General John Kelly Takes Command of White House Staff

So much happened in the White House lately that Boardman has not had time to cover it all. Therefore, we did not cover any of it. That is until the new White House Chief of Staff, General John Kelly called and told us to.

The replacement for Reince Priebus says he is focused on bringing order to the White House, starting with whipping the staff into shape.

“We fall in for inspection at five each morning,” said one Joe Smelton, Assistant to the Deputy Cabinet Secretary’s Assistant. “We do thirty minutes of calisthenics and march five laps around the White House double time holding up our pens and saying, ‘This is my pen. This is my gun.’ I don’t know what’s happening. Am I supposed to shoot someone with my pen?”

Once-a-week drills are held to keep up staff preparedness for emergencies, like running out of ink when printing out Obamacare regulations. In one drill designed to help them sneak past reporters, personnel crawl through drink spills in the hall while Kelly fires a staple gun over their heads.

A second staffer who tearfully begged to remain anonymous whispered, “He calls us ‘maggots’ and ‘dirtbags.’ I told him I don’t have dirt of any kind on me – I wash a lot. So he puts me on latrine duty!” The staffer, First Assistant to the Assistant Margaret Schaeffer, says Yale never prepared her for this sort of treatment.

“He asked, ‘Do you like me?’ When I said, ‘Yes, sir!’ he said, ‘I’m not your boyfriend. Drop and give me ten.’ So I had to get on the floor and write ten memos. This never happened on ‘West Wing.'”

Other punishments include KP duty and detention in the brig, which used to be the White House Map Room. One staffer was busted to Assistant Second Class for not having a military tuck.

A third staffer who paid us to not reveal his name (hint, hint, Margaret) reminisced. “I miss Reince. He was quiet. Spent most of his time working on the president’s schedule and hiding from Anthony Scaramucci.”

A veteran Secret Service agent who threatened us if we revealed his name was fine with Kelly’s new routine. “It’s better than when Bill and Hillary were here. Hillary would have us sort out the green M&Ms – then throw them at us!”

Meanwhile, Democrat Representative Barbara Lee complained that having a general in the White House will militarize the place. Relatives of Presidents Eisenhower, Grant and Washington could not be reached for a response.

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