Questions for the Candidates

August 31, 2017

As November 7th approaches there are critical issues facing the Village of Forestville. Apparently the candidates for mayor will not debate so here are some questions voters should be asking when they knock on your door:

1). City Hall

The hysterics and drama of City Council have supplied the local press with many lengthy articles.  What would you as mayor do to preserve this valuable resource for yellow journalism?

2). Route 6 Construction

What troubles you most about Route 6 construction?  The large influx of people from Plainville who will flood the city after it is finished, or the traffic delays caused by road detours and shirtless construction men?

3). City Hall and Memorial Boulevard School

You say that the city should examine the possibility of moving City Hall to Memorial Boulevard School.  But can you tell us how you plan to do that, considering that City Hall weighs over 20,000 tons? 

4). Günter Nimtz

Critics say you are afraid to take on tough issues.  They point to the fact that when Günter Nimtz claimed to violate relativity by transmitting photons faster than the speed of light, you were absolutely silent.

If you are elected mayor, can voters be assured you will tackle other hard issues that affect Bristol.  Issues like school menu choice, whether music is defined by duration and environmental context or content, and the inconsistency of material implication with conditional logic.

5). Irrelevant topic and education

Bristol has a sister city in Greece and one in North Korea.  What would you do to invigorate a study-abroad program so that Bristol students can learn in schools in Greece as well as in one of North Korea’s prestigious prisons?

Boardman

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Connecticut Held Hostage: Day 60 – A New Hope

August 30, 2017

A whole generation of Connecticutans are growing up with no memory of a state with a budget.

“My mother said Connecticut used to have budgets, but kids at school called me a liar and made fun of me,” said five-year-old kindergartner and know-it-all Wendy Struthers.

“Way back in June of ought-seventeen it was, we last had a budget,” reminisced State Representative Joe Williams (I – Bridgeton).  “Back then, people knew the value of a dollar – about fifty cents.”

“But now everyone thinks having no budget is normal.  That deficits are cool.  But try and get a loan with no budget and a huge deficit.  The senate just got a response from MasterCard to their credit card application.  It was two pages filled with the letters ‘LOL!’  When the governor visits the bank, the tellers hide the lollipops and go on lunch break.”

Ratings agencies downgraded the state’s debt.  Tuesday, Moody’s warned they may downgrade it further to the status of “junk”, also known as “Illinois”.

Williams frowned.  “The only people who will lend to the state now are the Maynards down the road.  They own a sheep farm and let us borrow a couple ewes until we can pay for real desks to write on.  They aren’t very steady and they smell, but are they soft!”

“As a Democrat,” said State Senator Chad Johnson (D – Old Haven), “we solve budget problems by raising taxes and cutting the military.  But voters seem upset about the taxes and Connecticut hasn’t had a real military since 1783, so that leaves only one option – I’m taking my state pension and moving to Florida!”

Williams has an innovative solution to the deficit.  “We’ll do what every responsible government does.  We’ll make our own currency and print our way out of it.”

His plan is to revive the old system of colonial currency.  Dollars will be replaced by pounds, shillings and pence and in the case of Foxwoods and Mohegan Sun – beads.

Asked to comment, Speaker of the House Joe Aresimowicz (D – Berlin/Southington) said, “We have a Williams in the House?”


Remember Sebastian Gorka? Try Not to Gasp When You See Him Now!

August 27, 2017

Sebastian Gorka, a fiery counterterrorism guru, no longer works at the White House but he wasn’t fired, or dismissed nor did he resign – he just no longer works there.  According to sources he will most likely take a job with Breitbart News. 

During his tenure at the White House no one knew what his duties were other than to look like someone that would be named Sebastian Gorka.  Those duties will continue at Breitbart.

Sebastian Gorka Gets a Jaw-Dropping Credit Card With a 0% APR Until October 2018

His parting gifts from the Trump administration include a Discover it® – Cashback Match™ card. 

Sebastian Gorka qualified for the card because he has average to excellent credit, which is usually a credit score of 670 or higher. He was thrilled to learn that there are Card perks such as free TransUnion FICO® Score on his monthly statement and lots of fine print that he will never read.

How is Sebastian Gorka Responding to Taylor Swift’s New Song?

Now that Sebastian Gorka is out of a job and away from the White House, one thing everyone wants to know is: What does Sebastian Gorka think of Taylor Swift’s new single? 

Many believed Sebastian Gorka would throw some shade on the tune and say it was “fake” written by “extremists” because he says that about everything. But so far he has remained silent. Associates say Sebastian Gorka has remained silent because….

Connecticut Homeowners Born Before 1985 Get a Big Surprise

Sebastian Gorka was born in October of 1970 so he qualifies for the Home Affordable Refinance Program, which typically saves $4,140 homeowners a year.

Due to his cool new credit card and the new Taylor Swift tune in his head and the money he is saving, Sebastian Gorka will sleep well because…

It is Time For a New Pillow!

Sebastian Gorka deserves to sleep better at night, and there is no easier way than with a Sleepgram pillow.

The Sleepgram Pillow is a revolutionary pillow because not only is it the only pillow on the market that is delivered in a shipping crate, but it is the only pillow on the market that can be folded into thirds.

And this is fantastic news for Sebastian Gorka because…


Previewing the Candidates of District 2

August 24, 2017

Boardman, throughout the election season, will breakdown the city council races. Today District 2 is previewed, which includes the West End and Chippens Hill.

Overview

The demographics in Bristol’s second district are a mixed bag. Consequently, what do you get when you mix Bristol’s oldest and grittiest section with Bristol’s newest and wealthiest section? Lukewarm voter turnout.

Jodi Zils-Gagne (R)
Jodi Zils-Gagne is seeking reelection. She is Bristol’s most approachable, enthusiastic and happiest city councilor, and there is reason to be.

Earlier this year her Good Will initiative was approved. The initiative allowed police officers in the West End to award gift cards to citizens engaging in positive acts or deeds.

However, voters were disappointed that she did not include Get out of Jail Free cards as part of her Good Will Initiative. Will voters hold it against her?

Andrew Howe (R)
Mr. Howe wants to keep moving Bristol in the right direction; at least that is what his campaign literature says. What direction that is no one seems to know including the candidate.

A first time candidate with no political experience he represents the everyday person; he is a faithful lieutenant to the mayor, and a big advocate of the referendum. In particular he would like to put the MBS project out to referendum “so the people can decide.”

But some are wondering why he did not put his candidacy out to referendum so the voters could decide if he should even bother seeking office.

He also speaks of being transparent. However the letter e in his last name is silent.
Why is the e silent? Is he hiding something? Should the police be called?

David Preleski (D)
An Attorney at law with a BS degree in finance and economics from CCSU and an MBA in finance and economics from the University of Hartford. He wears glasses, is the voice of reason on the city council and the women of Chippens Hill and the West End go “ooh-la-la” when he wears his patented blue dress shirts. It says as much on his business cards.

Unless you don’t like his blue shirts or his glasses, there is no reason not to vote for him.

Peter Kelley (with an e) (D)
What can you say about Peter Kelley (with an e)? Well, a Google search for the name “Peter Kelley (with an e)” turns up a great deal of information about “Peter Kelley” (with an e).

He is an animator with Industrial Light & Magic, VP American Wind Energy Association, Assistant Professor of Finance at the University of Notre Dame, Contributor to The World Economic Forum, Chef and a graduate of the University of Arizona, Texas Tech, and Stamford.

His wives Kim, Rica, D. Anne, Valerie, Roisin, Barbara, Susan and Lorraine all think he is a great guy.

And, amazingly, according to Geni.com, Peter Kelley (with an e) died in 1853, 1911, 1914, 1930, 1998, 2004, 2011 and twice in 2017.

The election is Tuesday November 7, 2017. Stay semi-informed with Alan Boardman’s semi-comprehensive and semi-accurate election coverage.

This sentence was written on a dare.

END


Rockwell Park’s Playground Will Be Shut Down Due To Safety Concerns, Says City Lawyer Art Bream.

August 22, 2017

Rockwell Park’s playground will be shut down due to safety concerns pro bono publico, says city lawyer Art Bream. “We were informed we can’t afford the liability by our insurer before they relocated out of state.”

Problems cited include a lack of smoke detectors in the playground, no exit signs to show way out, no airbags on the slides, and no emergency plans in case of a nuclear attack by Southington. “And what if one of their adult bookshops catapults merchandise into our park – what we call, a ‘dirty bomb.'”

“Our in esse insurer also informed us that kids risk sunburn if they are outside,” elocuted Bream. “We urge patriotic parents to keep their children indoors rather than being out during the day or intra dies.”

Swing sets are also a top health hazard. The recommended fix is to change seats on the swing to plastic bubbles that fully encapsulate the rider. A black box will be installed to identify and ban children who swing too high.

Rather than claim rex non potest peccare, we must concede children are ferae naturae and shutter the place post-haste ex parte until fixes are made for which expressio unius est exclusio alterius, urbi et orbi, pax vobiscum. Amen.” Bream returned to his Malaysian Mitragyna speciosa tisane.

Other recommendations:
– The Splash Pad only operate with a lifeguard present
– The pool be filled with a high level of salt so no one can possibly drown
– The Skate Park just be closed

The full report is on view or viderit at Bristol City Hall until September 21. After, it can be seen in Hartford in November, Syracuse in December and during the first week in January, it will be opening for Blue Man Group at the Luxor in Las Vegas.


City Council Season Tickets to Go On Sale!

August 21, 2017

Due to the popularity of the city council meetings as a result of their liveliness, the City of Bristol announced season ticket packages for 2017/2018 council sessions will go on sale this week.

Reserve your seat in the gallery with Mini, Half or Full Season plans. The first 100 Bristol/Forestville residents to place a deposit for season tickets will enjoy the following special privileges and so much more!

* 10% discount on water bill
* 40% off any Parking Tickets with complementary coupon
* One year guarantee your property will not be seized via eminent domain
* Name an ordinance
* Access to the Meet-the-City Councilor Party
* Four complementary passes to a Zoning Board Meeting
* Address the City Council without having to sign up
* Replica Mary Fortier glasses
* Replica Tony D’Amato bow tie

Season Tickets holders will also be given an exclusive tour of the Chamber of Seclusion where councilors have been spending a great deal of their time recently, and a once in a lifetime opportunity to view the Cone of Decision.

When you become a season ticket holder you have an opportunity to see an array of characters, extraordinary revelations and government in action too.

Bring your family bring your friends to City Hall by purchasing your season ticket package today!


Clarence Darrow Lives!

August 19, 2017

Last week, under a cloud of confusion, City Councilor Calvin Brown did a fantastic Clarence Darrow impression and litigated the latest City Hall controversy during a city council meeting. His efforts resulted in an Executive Session concerning the mayor.

Mr. Brown was praised by Democrats for bringing the issue to bear, but tamped down any praise by modestly telling Boardman, “Que sera, sera. Whatever will be, will be. The future’s not ours to see. Que sera, sera. What will be, will be.”

However, Boardman has learned Calvin plans to litigate former public matters at city council meetings before his term comes to end including Bush v. Gore, Miranda v. Arizona, Marbury v. Madison and for just the heck of it The State of Tennessee v. John Thomas Scopes.