Clarence Darrow Lives!

August 19, 2017

Last week, under a cloud of confusion, City Councilor Calvin Brown did a fantastic Clarence Darrow impression and litigated the latest City Hall controversy during a city council meeting. His efforts resulted in an Executive Session concerning the mayor.

Mr. Brown was praised by Democrats for bringing the issue to bear, but tamped down any praise by modestly telling Boardman, “Que sera, sera. Whatever will be, will be. The future’s not ours to see. Que sera, sera. What will be, will be.”

However, Boardman has learned Calvin plans to litigate former public matters at city council meetings before his term comes to end including Bush v. Gore, Miranda v. Arizona, Marbury v. Madison and for just the heck of it The State of Tennessee v. John Thomas Scopes.


City Council Holds Executive Session, No One Injured

August 18, 2017

No one was injured Monday night following the Executive Session of the City Council, according to police. Firefighters, EMTs and police officials were on the scene along with search and rescue dogs and a few dozen spectators.

The councilors adjourned to Executive Session shortly after 6PM; navigated their way to the Executive Chambers, and quietly closed the door behind them all without incident.

During the special meeting they voted to meet with an attorney and have yet another Executive Session at a date still to be determined. After the vote they ordered a no-frills cheese pizza and fried mozzarella from Bristol Pizza.

Several members of the public left that night with bruised egos, but they did not seek nor did they need medical attention, authorities said.

The police department stated the matter is under investigation and they had no other comment.

Not to be out done by their rivals, fire officials issued a statement on colorful fiber cotton business paper stating their headquarters is on North Main Street, and that their firetrucks are still red.


Forestville MILF Still Turning Heads

August 12, 2017

Barbara Deavers, a 55 year old mother of two and wife of Forestville industrialist John Deavers, was spotted sporting peep toe heels and an earth toned summer dress at the Stop &Shop on Pine Street late yesterday.

As she navigated her way through the aisles during her grocery run, she garnered a lot of attention from the male shoppers and employees alike.

Observers say she shopped effortlessly buying produce, cereal and bread. Stealing the spotlight from the price marker employee, she was radiant and showcased her sleek and slender build.

While in Aisle 4 she caught the attention of employee Jimmy Slates who could not remain focused on stocking the Fruity Pebbles he was tasked, “I mean like she is way better than all the other MILFs that come in here cuz like I don’t know,” Mr. Slates gushed.

Mrs. Deavers burst onto the MILF radar in the 1990s following the birth of her second Seth, and has remained there ever since.

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Mayor Announces Random Apology Tour

August 10, 2017

Following a city council meeting Tuesday night where the mayor issued a public and cryptic apology to a council member, which left many confused, he announced tour dates for his 2017 Random Apology Tour scheduled for this fall; the likes of which this world has never seen before.

During the tour the mayor will issue nonspecific apologies to organizations and clubs in cities and towns across North America. “I apologize they criticize me. I don’t apologize they criticize me. I can’t win,” the mayor said in response to the criticism and confusion over his apology.

Local bar band Closed Casket was the scheduled opening act, but due to the fortunate deaths of the entire horn section during a bizarre tuning accident they cannot participate. Instead Councilman Calvin Brown, who questioned the purpose of his apology Tuesday, vowed to follow the mayor from town to town and demand to know what he is apologizing for and who he is apologizing to.

The tour is sponsored by PODS.

2017 Random Apology Tour Dates

Monday September 18
Kiwanis Club – Roanoke, VA

Wednesday September 20
International Tomahawk Throwers Association

Friday September 29
Wyoming Stock Growers Association – Cheyenne, WY

Friday October 6
Maskwa Snowmobile Club – Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada

Saturday October 7
Truck Stop Route 132 – La Pocatière, Quebec, Canada

Thursday October 19
Hurricane Biker Girls – Atlanta, GA

Wednesday November 1
KISS Army – Terre Haute, Indiana


VA Health Care Upgraded To Stable Condition

August 9, 2017

Secretary of Veterans Affairs David Shulkin has moved to make good on President Trump’s promises to overhaul the VA. Thanks to executive directives and a new reform law, Shulkin was able to fire 500 employees from the VA over malfeasance and criminal convictions. As punishment, most will receive health care from the VA.

The worst offenders will get health benefits from the Veterans Administration Veterans Administration. Said one fired Veterans Administration veteran, “I hear it is run worse than how we ran the VA.” He refers to the head of the VAVA, Connor O’Shaughnessy, a leprechaun who legend says hides health care services in a pot at the end of the rainbow.

Other reforms are being introduced at a feverish pace. One allows military to see the doctor of their choice. This option has led many people on Obamacare to enlist in the military.

Shulkin also made telemedicine part of the VA using the system “TeleHealth.” It allows patients to see teledoctors, get telediagnoses, see telespecialists and watch television with telestars.

Other improvements include vets getting wait times for appointments on their phones as well as Army-Navy game updates. A new app will send text alerts to hospitalized VA patients when the jello cart is coming down the hall. It also allows doctors to send “Get Well” e-cards to patients while on vacation and emojis to describe patient conditions.

“OMG, I’m afraid your body is all 🙄 in response to the antibiotics,” sent one doctor.

While Shulkin’s improvements will greatly help veterans, the New York Times is concerned it is just a distraction from the Russia investigation. Attempts to reach the Times for comment were met with demands we pay for a subscription.


Fun Has No Place In Tillerson State Department

August 8, 2017

State Department Secretary Rex Tillerson announced that as part of budget-cutting, fun stuff will no longer be permitted. For instance, the department will no longer have a standing order Hasbro Leaders-Of-The-World® bobble-head dolls for new employees. Even worse, major cuts are expected at the information and amusement park, State Departmentland.

Visitors negotiating entry will be disappointed by the lack of implementation of the “It’s a Small World” boat ride, Mr. Kerry’s Moderately Tepid Ride and Strategic Patience Mountain, where people wait for hours in cars on a rollercoaster for the ride to start. The animatronic Hall of State Department Persons will be closed, as well as the popular live shows, “State Department Musical” and “Seward’s Follies.” However, Sanctions Cafe and Protocol Island will still be open for the cautiously “adventurous.” And as always, guests can get a U.N. resolution named after a loved one for a nominal fee.

Across Compliance Square where a man dressed in a Hans Blix costume checks visitors’ bags for WMDs, the Henry Kissinger Theater is suspending hourly showings of “State Department of the Future.” The film shot in glorious 2D depicts how advances in jargon and red tape will complicate diplomacy in exciting new ways. It also previews the use of “space shuttle diplomacy.”

Despite these changes, holders of season passes will not be eligible for refunds. The Washington Post says women and minorities will be hurt the most. Women and Minorities Magazine says children and puppies will be hurt more. Tillerson could not be reached for comment as to why he hates children and puppies.

Less Money For Treasury?

Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin is contemplating similar belt-tightening moves. One possible change is an end to the policy of free banknotes to visitors.

Cuts are further projected in the number of engravers, which will result in bills having fewer serial numbers. The expensive ink used to print them will be replaced by green Sharpies and the portraits of the presidents will be substituted with easier-to-draw stick figures.


Alan – Please add a headline before you publish this; Also, your mom called about your toe fungus

August 7, 2017

Making good on a promise to “lean in” the State Department, Secretary Rex Tillerson is cutting bureaucrats, bureaus and other desks. Agencies closing include the Global Justice Bureau, the Refugee Office, the Flavors of the World Office, the Cyber Office, the War Crimes Office and the Sexy, Sexy Crimes Office headed by Seth MacFarlane.

Estimates are that 2,300 staff, two porn stars and one voiceover artist will be let go. Even the department’s gold-encrusted wine cellar will be sold off, including an 1870 Chateau Margaux John Kerry ordered to celebrate the success of President Obama’s red line in Syria.

The cuts have already had severe consequences, affecting everything from the dinner plans of Soros and the Rothschilds to the price of tuxedos, vark and foie gras. A long-faced minister for Bali said, “How will we manage if U.S. officials no longer come here to meet foreign officials and prostitutes on the beach?”

The cutbacks will also affect small countries like Andorra. There, U.S. consulate dinner parties represent the largest part of the economy, after money laundering.

Worse, State now lacks enough people to defend their softball title at the World Summit of Countries That Begin with the Letter U, held this year at the Uyut hotel in Urgut, Uzbekistan. Even the department mascot, Statey The Owl, will not be flown over to tweet them on.

The spokesman at the State Department could not be reached for comment as she had just been let go. However, a security guard there said, “Please move along.”