Alan – Please add a headline before you publish this; Also, your mom called about your toe fungus

Making good on a promise to “lean in” the State Department, Secretary Rex Tillerson is cutting bureaucrats, bureaus and other desks. Agencies closing include the Global Justice Bureau, the Refugee Office, the Flavors of the World Office, the Cyber Office, the War Crimes Office and the Sexy, Sexy Crimes Office headed by Seth MacFarlane.

Estimates are that 2,300 staff, two porn stars and one voiceover artist will be let go. Even the department’s gold-encrusted wine cellar will be sold off, including an 1870 Chateau Margaux John Kerry ordered to celebrate the success of President Obama’s red line in Syria.

The cuts have already had severe consequences, affecting everything from the dinner plans of Soros and the Rothschilds to the price of tuxedos, vark and foie gras. A long-faced minister for Bali said, “How will we manage if U.S. officials no longer come here to meet foreign officials and prostitutes on the beach?”

The cutbacks will also affect small countries like Andorra. There, U.S. consulate dinner parties represent the largest part of the economy, after money laundering.

Worse, State now lacks enough people to defend their softball title at the World Summit of Countries That Begin with the Letter U, held this year at the Uyut hotel in Urgut, Uzbekistan. Even the department mascot, Statey The Owl, will not be flown over to tweet them on.

The spokesman at the State Department could not be reached for comment as she had just been let go. However, a security guard there said, “Please move along.”


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