Revised Form Receives Rave Reviews

September 30, 2017

The form municipal candidates complete when seeking office in the state of Connecticut (SEEC Form 1 – Registration by Candidate) was revised, and is receiving rave reviews from critics and candidates alike, according to Business of Government Magazine.

In September of 2016, the State of Connecticut Elections Enforcement Commission in association with the Connecticut Secretary of the State unveiled the revised form.

The revision includes going from 27 lines to 28 lines (Municipality location was added) and slightly changing the type setting. “We hope by adding a line that more people will seek office, and that the form has more clarity,” said Denise Merrill, Connecticut’s Secretary of State.

Here are some of the reviews:

“By adding a line this form is now the rarest of achievements. Candidates will love it!” – Government Forms Magazine

“The State of Connecticut out did themselves this time with these revisions. A well put together form!” – Form of the Month Club

“It is four pages including a ‘this page left blank on purpose’ page. A bureaucrats dream!” – Wall Street Journal

“New font? Check? More lines? Check. Form clarity? Check. I’ve always loved forms and the concept of new and improved. Put it together and this is a win-win for everybody.” – Dave Preleski (D) District 2, Bristol, CT, USA

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MOTHER OF GOD WHAT THE F IS GOING ON?

September 28, 2017

“Hoooooly Shit! The City of Bristol has gone collectively insane!” exclaimed Dr. Edward Stouten, a psychologist at Tunxis Community College following the revelations in Bristol’s latest political soap opera.

For the last few weeks there have random apologies, accusations, counter accusations, screen shots, finger pointing, Facebook fights and threats all in the name of politics.

In an exclusive interview, Dr. Stouten told Boardman while twirling his right index finger near his head, “This town is cuckoo.”

Dr. Stouten, in a report to The American Psychiatric Association, recommended that the entire City of Bristol be sent to a state mental facility that is fenced with guarded grounds for evaluation, treatment and therapy. “Clinically speaking there are no drugs or medications on God’s green earth that can help some of the politicos or residents. I’m not mentioning names…Amanda Yapes.”

In attempt to capitalize on all the chaos, next month the local public access channel Nutmeg TV will air its new day time drama As Bristol Fades.

Gunner Fenbeck and Brad Blazer, the producers of How to Make Toast and Legislators in Love, promise plenty of plot twists, tawdry secrets and kooky plotlines ripped straight from the hallowed halls of Bristol City Hall in the hour-long drama.

In the first episode, the self-described “man of the people candidate”, Andrew Howe suffering from Stockholm Syndrome is written out of the show as he follows the mayor off a political cliff.

In a weird side plot, the Cicero of the council chambers Calvin Brown blurts out a secret that’s not a secret but is a secret to those that don’t know that it’s a secret. DUN DUN DUUUUN!!!

And finally, a deceased mayor comes back from the dead to haunt the town and run as a third-party candidate in his present reanimated condition. Boo!

As Bristol Fades will air at noon Monday through Friday on Nutmeg TV following a morning of dead air.

The Forestville Fired Department declined to comment about this matter.


Guide to the 2017 Mum Festival Parade

September 24, 2017

For residents of Bristol and Forestville, the historic Mum Festival Parade is the bringing together of community, families and fun. So, if you are attending the parade today, here are some important details organizers would like you to consider:

* This year’s parade begins exactly at 1:30 PM. Late arrivals will not be allowed to view the parade.

* For those not able to attend the parade during the day, a second parade will be held beginning at 9PM.

* Waving is strictly prohibited. Spectators are reminded to not distract the marchers by waving at them because they need to concentrate on marching.

* Even though the parade is only hours away the route is still not determined because organizers want an organic – free flowing loosey-goosey feel to the event.

* The streets along the parade route are not closed to traffic so marchers, parade floats and spectators must remain alert.

* Unlike prior year’s the Parade Float Race will be held during the parade to give the event some death defying excitement!

A Long (Cursed) Parade History

* The first Mum Festival Parade was held in 1962, which is a long time ago.

* According the Census Report a lot of people that marched in 1962 are now dead and or deceased.

* 1976: In a bizarre accident along the Boulevard, the Shriners in their tiny cars collide. Grown men wearing fezzes are banned for a year.

* 1984: Spectators fall into a bottomless pit along South Street and are presumed “missing.” Authorities believe they are still falling.

* 1991: Parade delayed a week due to tuning a mishap. The Bristol Central Marching Band collides before the parade begins, and it takes three days to untangle the horn section.

* 2010: In a case of collective amnesia no one shows up for the parade.


Mayor Goes on Resignation Crusade!

September 20, 2017

Due to the Board of Education’s 2-million-dollar shortfall, the mayor took to social media recently and asked for two of its elected volunteers to resign. Many residents were shocked while his loyal and rabid supporters stood by his statement. However, Boardman has learned that the mayor’s resignation demand is not limited to merely the Board of Education.

Last Saturday during a baseball game at Forestville Little League, with a runner on first in the last inning and his team down by a run, Manager Ed Oates did not ask his batter to bunt. Instead the batter swung away and he hit into a double play.

The mayor, who was in attendance, was incensed by the strategy. Following the ballgame, he again took to social media and condemned the coaches and asked that they too resign. “How do you not bunt in that situation?” he asked pointedly. “I don’t know why they did not bunt they’re, their…then…but they should do everyone a favor and quit.”

His minions, who were not at the game nor familiar with the batter or his skill set or the managers thinking, were quick to pile on to impress the supreme leader. Patriot50 fired the first salvo, “I have tapes of this guy coaching games and I will send them to America’s Funniest Home Videos!” she angrily wrote.

Mimi Pipkens was up next and fired at will. “I heard when Moses came down from Mount Sinai he left several commandments behind and one of them was ‘Thou Shall Not Let Ed Oates be a Volunteer or Manage a Baseball Team.’”

Latham Eikel was more direct and snarled, “For not bunting Ed Oates should be hung and dragged through the streets of Forestville like Mussolini.”

The mayor was not done.

Julius Denforth is the Den Leader for Cub Scout Troop 314, which meets at Greene Hills School Monday nights between 7:30 and 9:00 P.M. Upon hearing that Troop 314 meets Monday nights, the mayor took to social media to denounce Julius and demand his resignation. “Who schedules a meeting during Monday night Football? This guy needs to reszin, reszi,…I mean quit.”

The mayor then went on to provide a list of volunteers that he feels must leave because he said so: Volunteer Fire Departments, Hurricane Irma relief volunteers, Habitat for the Humanities, Red Cross, ARF and the lemonade stand on Academy Street because “the lemonade don’t taste twoto..too…no good.”


Board of Education Budget Laid to Rest

September 20, 2017

Following the revelation several weeks ago that a 2 million dollar deficit was unexpectedly discovered regarding the Board of Education budget, a solemn ceremony called a Day of Reflection and Remembrance was held on the grounds of the BOE early yesterday to pay tribute to the budget as it was formally known.

The event was attended by officials, administrators and fourteen school children representing each public school in Bristol and Forestville.

The superintendent of schools left the safety of her palatial office to attend the event, and laid a wreath at the foot of the memorial made in honor of the budget. “While this is a solemn ceremony let this serve as a reminder right here and right now, that government accounting in any capacity is not easy and any budget, no matter how big and no matter how small, can experience an unexpected shortfall or gap,” she said.

Flags at the BOE will fly at half-staff until the cause of the shortfall is determined, and employees will wear a special patch on their left sleeve depicting a pie chart, which represents the budget.


The Heat is On!

September 18, 2017

Election Day is fast approaching and Bristol/Forestville politics are beginning to heat up.

Sunday, Mary Fortier and Cheryl Thibeault went toe to toe on the State of the City, which resulted in the show being extended a half hour. In fact, it has been almost two days since the program and Cheryl is still on the air answering one of the questions.

Their interplay was lively, informative and both candidates represented themselves well…during the pre-show banter. The show itself descended into a food fight. Boxing promoter Bob Arum was listening and was impressed so he wants a rematch in October.

Arum told Boardman, “I think we could have a good battle on our hands with Facebook users jumping in over the top rope so speak. I want to promote it with signs, banners, bunting – the whole shebang.”

The candidates have not agreed to terms but each has a rider or list of requirements that must be met before they will agree to appear together.

Cheryl Thibeault’s diva demands include the following:

* Her resume will be read by the town crier after every other question
* She must be allowed to talk and talk and talk without ANYONE interrupting
* Budgets give her the warm fuzzies so all questions must pertain to the budget; any budget
* All bumper music is to be “Cheryl approved”
* A basket of cute meowing kittens has to be in the studio during the program

Mary Fortier’s rider demands demand the following:

* Cheryl will stop talking long enough so Mary can speak
* A copy of the “Code Enforcement numbers” will be made available prior to air in English, Spanish and Braille
* The mayor returns all of her committee postings that he stripped away
* She must be allowed to name drop “Ellen Zoppo-Sassu” in each segment
* One can of Red Bull – no wait two cans! – check that three cans of Red Bull will be provided to her after the show just because

The election is Tuesday November 7, 2017. Stay semi-informed with Alan Boardman’s semi-comprehensive and semi-accurate election coverage.


State Lawmaker Themis Klarides Has Not Smiled in Years, Lawmakers Concerned

September 14, 2017

Connecticut’s Regular Legislative Session adjourned June 7th without reaching a budget agreement regarding the two-year budget for 2018-2019.

State lawmakers are worried not because they have yet to have a budget deal, but because House Republican Leader Themis Klarides did not smile during the entire session.

However, one capitol observer noted, “When the subject of state employee concessions and layoffs were discussed a wave of pleasure fell across her face again and again, but when the discussion ended her face contorted and she resumed to frowning, squinting and looking miserable.”

The Connecticut State Medical Society said her blank lifeless stare could have a detrimental effect and become a permanent impediment.

A Facebook group (Themis Klarides Please Smile) formed and has more than 4,000 “likes” and people have been posting smile memes and instructions on how to smile.

Themis Klarides Not Smiling…Again

Consequently, her colleagues such as State Senator Len Fasano tried to get to smile by reliving happy legislative moments including when the Republicans proposed cutting $100 million in funding from the University of Connecticut and the UConn Health Center. She continued to frown.

Her colleagues then held a closed-door hour long meeting pleading with Ms. Klarides to smile. It did nothing.

In August she even came to Bristol for a fundraiser for the mayor, and was provided with a free slice of pizza from Max’s. She remained glum. Maybe it was the thick crust.

This story is still developing and updates will be provided as they warrant.