Will the Sun Will Come up Tomorrow?

November 15, 2016

sunrise

Despite the anxiety and a dire sense of doom that many are feeling due to the election results, the consensus of scientists is that unless the sun burns out or the earth stops rotating, the sun will in fact come up tomorrow. “It has risen successfully every day prior to today so under the Law of Succession it should rise tomorrow unless it doesn’t,” said Michio Kaku, a theoretical physicist and futurist.

Many believed following the 2000 Presidential Election that the sun would not rise, “I was fully prepared for the world to be plunged into a dark, vacant, dull, bleak, and lifeless planet the next day,” said Forestville resident Bill Singer. “However, much to my surprise, the next morning the sun appeared in the eastern sky and the planet wasn’t lifeless.”

“This sounds like a form of inductive inference that has no place in modern science,” says “astrophysicist” Neil Degrasse Tyson, on the condition his middle name not be appropriately capitalized and quote marks not be placed around his title of astrophysicist. “The sun may indeed not come up tomorrow. Probably because of global warming,” he muttered cryptically.

One scientist however, is not so certain about the immediate future of the sun. Dr. Myron Goldberg of Tunxis Community College has a differing viewpoint. “Science suggests the probability that the sun will rise tomorrow is nearly guaranteed. That’s a cute little thought but no one can say with any certainty whether it will come up after Inauguration Day. The jury is still out on that one.”

Inauguration Day is Friday, January 20, 2017.


Apocalypse Now

November 4, 2015
Apocalypse Now

Apocalypse Now

After the election results were finalized Tuesday night showing Ken Cockayne was elected mayor for another two years, Forestville became the democratic party’s vision of hell. Dozens upon dozens of registered democrats flooded the streets of Forestville blubbering and howling, distraught over the outcome.

City GOP Leader Derek Czenczelewski seeing so many democrats gathered in one place breathed, “The horror! The horror!” And later he was heard muttering, “I must find out who voted against the mayor. Can I FOI that?”

Meanwhile the democrats were incapable of speaking their mouths could make sounds no more so stunned were they.

More were bewildered their minds void.

Notable democrats such as Mary Fortier and Calvin Brown walked the decaying village streets like zombies – dead inside falling into the “the heart of an immense darkness.”

And many more were heard screaming and shrieking the agony too much to bear.

In an early-Wednesday morning tweet-storm Egor, Forestville’s most popular republican and the mayor’s spokesperson, weighed in on the election results.

Egor tweet-storm 1

Egor tweet-storm 1

Egor tweet-storm 2

Egor tweet-storm 2

Two hours later, Egor was back turning his attention to the future.

Egor tweet-storm

Egor tweet-storm

As the night closed one lonely democrat, his face wretched in pain, and his soul barren found the courage to speak of the Forestville that is to be. Borrowing from T.S. Eliot he whispered, “This is the way Forestville ends: Not with a bang but a whimper.”

Egor

Egor


Mayor wants to Land a Man on the Surface of the Sun

November 3, 2015
Manned mission to the sun possible

Manned mission to the sun possible

Speaking before a sparse audience at the Warren G. Harding Society of Forestville, Mayor Ken Cockayne presented a major policy speech on the eve of the 2015 election. The mayor speaking confidently and with his feet firmly planted on the floor said, “I believe we should commit ourselves before this decade is out, or when my term is up whichever comes first, of landing a man on the surface of the sun and returning him safely back to earth. Seriously…Why are you folks laughing?…I am not trying to be funny…Stop laughing…You’re hurting my feelings…Egor!”

The mayor is often characterized by his opponents as a do nothing mayor. However City GOP leader Derek Czenczelewski said that is not true and this idea proves it. “If we go at night when the sun goes down and land on the dark side of the sun during the winter solstice we can do it, especially if the guy wears a fire retardant suit with all that tinfoil stuff. It would be so awesome.”

Mr. Czenczelewski elaborated further by explaining that the mayor can achieve this goal without raising taxes, and a rocket to the sun would be a significant step towards redeveloping downtown.

Drawing of the "Forestville Rocket" going to the sun.

Drawing of the “Forestville Rocket” going to the sun.


Road Marker to be Placed Honoring Historically Insignificant Events

November 2, 2015

DSCN4164

The Forestville Historical Society will unveil a roadside marker at the intersection of Garden Street and Central Street during a special ceremony at 2:30 p.m. Saturday.

The marker notes that nothing of historical significance occurred at the intersection. “This is long overdue. Tourists will know what everyone here already knows, nothing happened in this spot,” remarked the mayor. Lifelong resident Cookie Genison, who has witnessed firsthand the lack of history, will speak at the dedication ceremony.

The mayor said he wants more insignificant roadside markers placed throughout Forestville. “I think it’s important that people know where things didn’t happen. It’s the hallmark of my administration,” he said.


Democrats Propose Best 2 out of 3 Format for Local Election

November 1, 2015
Two out of Three Format Proposed

Two out of Three Format Proposed

According to unnamed sources should the Forestville Democrats not win the majority on the town council or the mayor’s office on November 3rd, they have asked the Secretary of State to make the 2015 election a best two out three with another vote on Tuesday November 10 and another on Tuesday November 17 if necessary. “The WNBA uses a two out of three format why can’t we,” said one democrat.

The Secretary of State has not made a decision.


Forestville Republicans Surprised that Everyone is Surprised

October 31, 2015

Outsourcing 04

When the republican members of the Board of Education (BOE) voted to eliminate fifty some odd cafeteria workers by outsourcing their jobs it sparked outrage. However republicans are confused by the rancor.

“Reducing wages, eliminating benefits and laying people off especially the most vulnerable is what we do. It’s our bread and butter for Pete sake,” said one BOE republican. Added another, “Republicans have a long proud history of firing government employees and making them scapegoats. Wake up!” Lastly one BOE republican commissioner provided a long-range view, “Now if we could just find a way to outsource the custodial services, the teachers and the students. That would be heaven.”

 


What if the Democrats Lose?

October 30, 2015
Democratic Hotline!

Democratic Hotline!

Should the Democrats lose city hall again preparations are being made to help those adversely affected by the trauma of another two years with republicans in control.

Last night extremely nervous democrats held an emergency meeting at an undisclosed location on Pleasant Street, and created a 24 hour crisis hotline to provide emotional support to registered democrats and unaffiliated voters.

With the goal of helping those in need, the hotline will be supported by staff, volunteers and candidates including Mary Fortier from District 3. These skilled counselors from diverse multi-cultural backgrounds will answer the phones and assist those feeling scared, overwhelmed, wounded, depressed or isolated because their mayor or city councilor is a republican.

Voters will be encouraged to call if they are uncomfortable talking to family, friends or clergy.

Mary Fortier taking calls

Artist rendition of Mary Fortier