The Final Days?

January 15, 2017


For a little over a year, life for Forestville and Bristol democrats has been tough.

First, the Mayor was re-elected.

Then, Calvin moved out of his district and the world nearly ended.

Later, it was learned the mayor had an inappropriate relationship with a city employee (prior to becoming mayor), threatened another; apologized and then took anger management classes. Much to the democrats chagrin, he remains popular.

In November, Bristol’s three legislative republicans were easily re-elected to the state legislature.

And by the end of the week, Trump will be president.

Depressed, democrats are being prescribed record amounts of antidepressants such as Prozac, Zoloft and Desyrel and Xanax to cope. “Eighteen months ago one out of every two democrats were taking antidepressants. Now, it is two out of every four. That’s a fifty percent increase,” said Forestville CPA, Chandler Juliet.

Those not taking antidepressants, or Benzedrine for that matter to just get through another day, are meditating as a coping strategy.

Several democrats that no one ever really listens to however, feel cognitive behavioral therapy should be offered first and used in conjunction with counseling rather than pills or meditation. “We have to do something,” said Limping Larry. “You can only take so many pills and do so many sun salutations and chakras.”

Dr. Emma Glockenspiel, a rank and file democrat speaking from the comforts of her solarium, believes they should go in another direction. “I encourage party members to remain positive, breath deep, listen to music, read poetry and go for nature walks before the planet is engulfed in ash and fire and ruin and before there is no food, no water and no heat; nothing but destruction and extinction due to Trump, the republicans and their policies. More tea?”

Recently, on a chilly and windy night, Bristol Democratic Chairman Dean Kilbourne, speaking at a banquet at Nuchie’s, looked to the future. “While others foresee see apocalypse and Armageddon I see hope. As Shakespeare once said ‘The miserable have no other medicine, but only hope.’”

“Hope is the St. Paul baseball team winning their first state title in 40 years. Hope is The Bristol Beat providing Bristol a radio station. Hope is the Bristol Art Squad enriching our community. And hope is a leader that will find workable solutions to the challenges we face; a leader that says, ‘we and not I’, and a leader that as President Kennedy once proclaimed, ‘Not seek to fix blame for the past – but accept our own responsibility for the future.’ It is therefore, my pleasure to introduce the next mayor of Bristol”……..

It was then that the power suddenly went out due to a wind gust leaving everyone in the dark.

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Trump Pressers to be on Pay-Per-View

January 13, 2017


Last Wednesday’s press conference pitted Donald Trump against CNN reporter Jim Accosta and the reviews say it was a smash hit. Therefore Trump’s office announced a new schedule of press conferences to be held at various venues around the country on pay-per-view.

The schedule will be arranged by Linda McMahon, Trump nominee for Small Business Administration head and past CEO of the professional wrestling organization WWE.

The next press conference scheduled for February 20th is expected to continue the CNN/Trump feud storyline. The plan calls for Accosta to badger Trump and Trump to taunt and mock Accosta and CNN. It is expected to do large pay-per-view buys especially in the international markets like China and Russia.

The undercard features The Undertaker vs. Rachel Maddow and Anderson Cooper vs. Kathy Griffin. “Kathy’s embarrassed me on my New Year’s Eve show one too many times,” Cooper said. “No more Mr. Nice Gay!”

Trump Learning How to Smile

January 11, 2017


Donald Trump has shown he has no ability to smile or even laugh unless he is insulting or humiliating someone. Members of his transition team are worried about this personality trait so they have enlisted the help of his oldest daughter Ivanka to teach him how to smile.

Ivanka earnestly arrives early each day and shows the president-elect step by step instructions on how to reshape his mouth by expanding the corners laterally, and then turning them up exposing his teeth. “Because he behaves like a child and his short attention span, she approaches him like a toddler with warmth, joy and enthusiasm, but he just sits there with that sulking look of his,” said a source that is neither familiar with the situation nor associated with Trump, his transition team or the family.

His reluctance to learn how to smile and his rejection of spontaneous laughter unless at someone else’s expense, suggests his presidential demeanor will be dour and condescending.

Advisors say once he learns the mechanics of smiling they will concentrate on teaching the intricacies and nuances of laughing and laughter. Currently he only laughs at his own jokes, which are usually not funny and at the expense of someone he has insulted or demeaned.

At a minimum associates say he will learn how to laugh or at least how to fake a laugh. “Trump faked caring about people of lesser means throughout the campaign so there is reason to believe he can learn how to fake a laugh or a smile while president,” said a source that has an ax to grind against Trump, his transition team and the family.

Russian Hackers Interfere with 2017 New Year’s Ball Drop

January 1, 2017


On December 31, at the stroke of midnight, the ball at Times Square dropped prompting concern at the White House.

President Obama in speaking to reporters immediately claimed that Vladimir Putin and Russian hackers were behind it. “The precise timing that the ball dropped exactly at midnight is something that could only happen at the behest of Russian authorities at the highest level.”

In response, Obama ordered the expulsion of three more Russian diplomats, a service dog and popular cartoon character Cheburashka.

The incident follows on the heels of Obama blaming the Russian president for Hillary Clinton losing the election and swiping the supply of mints at the White House reception desk.

“What the president did makes sense,” said Tom Joyner, a local expert on Russian affairs since he read a book on it this morning. “We have to tell Russia, ‘Hands off our balls.'”

To map out other measures to punish the Russians, Obama brought onto his strategic planning staff Jackass star Johnny Knoxville. “The Russians will uh, uh, be pranked really good,” Obama promised.

Trump Inauguration to Feature Two Former Presidents and a Mystery Guest

December 30, 2016


In an exclusive to Boardman and 30 other news agencies, Boardman has learned that former president and curmudgeon, Jimmy Carter will attend Donald Trump’s inauguration.

This is considered a major coup by D.C. cogniscenti. Due to the popularity of his presidency, the 92-year-old Carter’s itinerary is always fully booked with guest appearances at flea market grand openings, quinceañeras and hog-calling events. Last year, he was paid $500 and a bag of peanuts to give a speech at a car wash in Plano, Texas, making him the fourth-highest paid ex-president.

Several other former leaders however may be absent. George H.W. Bush is dealing with health issues, George W. Bush is painting his version of Michelangelo’s Sistine Chapel ceiling with his toes and Bill Clinton is still looking for Hillary’s missing electoral votes.

The only other president committed to make it is the 27th and heaviest president of the United States, William Howard Taft, in spite of the fact that he has been dead for 86 years.

Said a relative, “His will stated that he wanted to stay relevant in politics long after his death so people remembered his legacy of trust-busting and prolific eating. Given that like Taft, Trump is a renegade and also since there will be lots of donuts, it seemed like this is one occasion our Willie would not want to miss.”

President Taft’s casket will be situated near President Carter’s seat but on the back of a giant earth mover.

Forestville Residents Protest Local Election Results

November 13, 2016


In the predawn hours Wednesday, California voters disappointed with the election results took to the streets and burned American flags, and vandalized property. They also destroyed Windows, but since it was Windows 365, no one cared.

Three thousand miles away in Forestville, voters were equally disappointed and expressed frustration with the local election results. Rank and file democrats believed they had a good field of candidates and felt confident they would defeat the Republicans. It did not happen and Bristol Republicans retained their seats in the Connecticut legislature. However, unlike California, they took to twitter to express their outrage and organize unique boycotts.






Local Shortage of Foam Middle Fingers

November 10, 2016


Local retailers say there is currently a shortage of foam middle fingers in the Bristol/Forestville area. The foam made middle fingers are briskly selling in response to the election of Donald Trump as president.

Glen Modeene, an employee at the Dollar Store, said they ran out Wednesday afternoon. “We have plenty of the We’re #1 Foam Fingers, Foam Paws and Foam Feet though.” The Dollar Store and other retailers indicated they are working with manufacturers to ensure a healthy supply of foam middle fingers are delivered for the weekend.

Last year following Bristol’s hotly contested mayoral election, which saw Bristol Democrats narrowly lose the race for mayor, the democrats protested the results by refusing to be punctual for public events, and purposely not adhering to the “outside-in rule” by using the wrong forks, knives and spoons at sports banquets and lavish dinner settings.

Eduardo Fisher, a life-long democrat remarked, “Last year we were upset so we said ‘etiquette be dammed’ this year we are using the foam middle finger to show our displeasure.”