Rescue Team Scours Wilderness for Election Holdouts

January 16, 2017


Two people were found in the Cascades of Oregon who didn’t know the election was over. The campaign survivalists, Jan and Jake Marshow, lived hidden in a makeshift treehouse in Mount Hood National Forest. From there, they would attack the nearby town of Brightwood with campaign fliers and rhyming slogans.

Mount Hood game warden and Viking Ragnar Lodbrok led a group of warriors from their longships inland, to track down the Marshows. “We baited traps with GMO-free granola bars and packets of fair-trade herbal tea,” said Lodbrok. “The pair turned down the bars due to their high gluten content. But they went for the tea, which we laced with enough chamomile to put down a horde of angry Saxons.”

Psychiatrist and Viking Dr. Björn Ironside now treats the Marshows at Roslagen Psychiatric Hospital. He took time out from sacking a medieval French village to speak to Boardman at the sanitarium’s gift shop.

“We are preparing to reintroduce the Marshows to civil society. When we first explain the election is over, that Hillary lost, they deny it. Then, they protest Hamilton and the electoral college. They are now in the third stage of election grief – blaming the loss on a vast right-wing, Russian and FBI conspiracy hatched in a Kremlin Chik-Fil-A. Afterward, they tend to smear themselves with feces.”

But is this the hardest case the doctor and defiler of Norman women has treated? Ironside put down his bloodied atgeir and gestured to a coloring book of past patients that retails for $3.99 at the shop, $3.00 online.

“As you can read, we haven’t had as difficult a time getting patients to accept the outcome of a vote since Ruben Studdard beat Clay Aiken on ‘American Idol.'”

How many other election deniers are lodged in remote forests is unknown. Hikers in Big Sur report a collection of Hillary supporters making posters and Trump effigies alongside a World War II kamikaze pilot, who is still fighting the Yankee menace in the Pacific. A Bernie supporter, still fighting the Democrat primary election, stands on the periphery yelling “Rigged!” at the group through a biodegradable megaphone.

So what is the Marshows’ prognosis?

The doctor continued talking. “The intervention of family and friends would help chances of a full recovery. After, they could stop here and purchase a key ring or postcard. Or a collectible Viking sword for the kids, so they can cut off the heads of enemies in battle.”

The Forestville Fire Department could not be reached for comment.


The Final Days?

January 15, 2017


For a little over a year, life for Forestville and Bristol democrats has been tough.

First, the Mayor was re-elected.

Then, Calvin moved out of his district and the world nearly ended.

Later, it was learned the mayor had an inappropriate relationship with a city employee (prior to becoming mayor), threatened another; apologized and then took anger management classes. Much to the democrats chagrin, he remains popular.

In November, Bristol’s three legislative republicans were easily re-elected to the state legislature.

And by the end of the week, Trump will be president.

Depressed, democrats are being prescribed record amounts of antidepressants such as Prozac, Zoloft and Desyrel and Xanax to cope. “Eighteen months ago one out of every two democrats were taking antidepressants. Now, it is two out of every four. That’s a fifty percent increase,” said Forestville CPA, Chandler Juliet.

Those not taking antidepressants, or Benzedrine for that matter to just get through another day, are meditating as a coping strategy.

Several democrats that no one ever really listens to however, feel cognitive behavioral therapy should be offered first and used in conjunction with counseling rather than pills or meditation. “We have to do something,” said Limping Larry. “You can only take so many pills and do so many sun salutations and chakras.”

Dr. Emma Glockenspiel, a rank and file democrat speaking from the comforts of her solarium, believes they should go in another direction. “I encourage party members to remain positive, breath deep, listen to music, read poetry and go for nature walks before the planet is engulfed in ash and fire and ruin and before there is no food, no water and no heat; nothing but destruction and extinction due to Trump, the republicans and their policies. More tea?”

Recently, on a chilly and windy night, Bristol Democratic Chairman Dean Kilbourne, speaking at a banquet at Nuchie’s, looked to the future. “While others foresee see apocalypse and Armageddon I see hope. As Shakespeare once said ‘The miserable have no other medicine, but only hope.’”

“Hope is the St. Paul baseball team winning their first state title in 40 years. Hope is The Bristol Beat providing Bristol a radio station. Hope is the Bristol Art Squad enriching our community. And hope is a leader that will find workable solutions to the challenges we face; a leader that says, ‘we and not I’, and a leader that as President Kennedy once proclaimed, ‘Not seek to fix blame for the past – but accept our own responsibility for the future.’ It is therefore, my pleasure to introduce the next mayor of Bristol”……..

It was then that the power suddenly went out due to a wind gust leaving everyone in the dark.

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Trump Pressers to be on Pay-Per-View

January 13, 2017


Last Wednesday’s press conference pitted Donald Trump against CNN reporter Jim Accosta and the reviews say it was a smash hit. Therefore Trump’s office announced a new schedule of press conferences to be held at various venues around the country on pay-per-view.

The schedule will be arranged by Linda McMahon, Trump nominee for Small Business Administration head and past CEO of the professional wrestling organization WWE.

The next press conference scheduled for February 20th is expected to continue the CNN/Trump feud storyline. The plan calls for Accosta to badger Trump and Trump to taunt and mock Accosta and CNN. It is expected to do large pay-per-view buys especially in the international markets like China and Russia.

The undercard features The Undertaker vs. Rachel Maddow and Anderson Cooper vs. Kathy Griffin. “Kathy’s embarrassed me on my New Year’s Eve show one too many times,” Cooper said. “No more Mr. Nice Gay!”

Trump Learning How to Smile

January 11, 2017


Donald Trump has shown he has no ability to smile or even laugh unless he is insulting or humiliating someone. Members of his transition team are worried about this personality trait so they have enlisted the help of his oldest daughter Ivanka to teach him how to smile.

Ivanka earnestly arrives early each day and shows the president-elect step by step instructions on how to reshape his mouth by expanding the corners laterally, and then turning them up exposing his teeth. “Because he behaves like a child and his short attention span, she approaches him like a toddler with warmth, joy and enthusiasm, but he just sits there with that sulking look of his,” said a source that is neither familiar with the situation nor associated with Trump, his transition team or the family.

His reluctance to learn how to smile and his rejection of spontaneous laughter unless at someone else’s expense, suggests his presidential demeanor will be dour and condescending.

Advisors say once he learns the mechanics of smiling they will concentrate on teaching the intricacies and nuances of laughing and laughter. Currently he only laughs at his own jokes, which are usually not funny and at the expense of someone he has insulted or demeaned.

At a minimum associates say he will learn how to laugh or at least how to fake a laugh. “Trump faked caring about people of lesser means throughout the campaign so there is reason to believe he can learn how to fake a laugh or a smile while president,” said a source that has an ax to grind against Trump, his transition team and the family.

Trump Inauguration to Feature Two Former Presidents and a Mystery Guest

December 30, 2016


In an exclusive to Boardman and 30 other news agencies, Boardman has learned that former president and curmudgeon, Jimmy Carter will attend Donald Trump’s inauguration.

This is considered a major coup by D.C. cogniscenti. Due to the popularity of his presidency, the 92-year-old Carter’s itinerary is always fully booked with guest appearances at flea market grand openings, quinceañeras and hog-calling events. Last year, he was paid $500 and a bag of peanuts to give a speech at a car wash in Plano, Texas, making him the fourth-highest paid ex-president.

Several other former leaders however may be absent. George H.W. Bush is dealing with health issues, George W. Bush is painting his version of Michelangelo’s Sistine Chapel ceiling with his toes and Bill Clinton is still looking for Hillary’s missing electoral votes.

The only other president committed to make it is the 27th and heaviest president of the United States, William Howard Taft, in spite of the fact that he has been dead for 86 years.

Said a relative, “His will stated that he wanted to stay relevant in politics long after his death so people remembered his legacy of trust-busting and prolific eating. Given that like Taft, Trump is a renegade and also since there will be lots of donuts, it seemed like this is one occasion our Willie would not want to miss.”

President Taft’s casket will be situated near President Carter’s seat but on the back of a giant earth mover.

Thank God for Ivanka!

December 20, 2016


President-elect Donald Trump wants his eldest daughter Ivanka to play a prominent role in his administration. What that role would be was unclear until yesterday.

Mr. Trump will soon name his daughter Co Vice-President. Trump created the position for her because she is great, telling the traveling press corps, “Ivanka is great so really, really great. No one better. Ever. She will be a great co vice president. Trust me.” The current Vice President-elect Mike Pence agreed to share the title of Vice President and duties with Ivanka because she is in fact great.

Since the election Ivanka, a working mother of three children, has participated in meetings with heads of state, arranged numerous meetings for her father and made phone calls to members of Congress regarding potential legislation on child care, an issue she will focus on. Consequently Ms. Trump will have offices in the East Wing and West Wing of the White House so she can take on First Lady duties (while her stepmother stays in New York) and be a close advisor to the president. But her responsibilities and duties will not end there.

When it becomes necessary for the soon to be president to fly she will take the controls and pilot Air Force One and Marine One too. “I am sure the pilots are good but she is the best,” Trump told reporters. She will fill in and drive the presidential motorcade on an as needed basis as well.

And, according to sources, when she is not transporting the president via car, airplane or helicopter or being Co Vice-President or assuming the job of First Lady, she will conduct covert espionage against hostile enemies in the field to keep Americans and its allies safe from foreign governments, terrorists and other unknown threats.

“Ivanka is redefining the role of working mothers, first daughters and humans. She will personally make America great again,” observed Trump’s former campaign manager, Kellyanne Conway.

Kellyanne Conway to Become Spokesperson for Satan?

December 18, 2016


Kellyanne Conway, President-elect Donald Trump’s former campaign manager, has come up as a potential spokesperson for Satan, a person with knowledge of the situation told the Boardman Washington Bureau.

Conway, 49, has a history of being employed by controversial figures having worked for Ted Cruz and Newt Gingrich prior to running Donald Trump’s 2016 presidential campaign.

In August of 2016 she was hired by Trump to run his campaign and rehabilitate his tarnished image especially amongst women, which she did despite his sexist remarks. “If she get can women to vote for a horrible person like Donald Trump imagine what she can do for an absolute evil demon,” said one former associate who requested not to be identified as Ted Cruz.

Ms. Conway has made it known that she is not ready to commit to anything at this moment, “I am flattered to be considered for the job with Satan but I want to weigh my options.”

For The Prince of Darkness, it would be a smart hire because she is familiar with working for soulless and selfish figures so there would be virtually no transition.

Local republicans were hoping she would work for the current mayor, but Kellyanne speaking outside Satan’s offices at the Ninth Circle of Hell, said she would not take that position. “I would enjoy working for the mayor but I have too much respect for Egor his current spokesperson. I think Egor is doing a remarkable job,” she observed.

An appreciative Egor tweeted, “Me much glad to hear dat.”