A Look Back at 2017

December 27, 2017

2017 had its fair share of stories and headlines to captivate the residents of Bristol and Forestville. Here is a look back at just a few of the stories that made headlines.

Drought Ends

The drought of 2016 came to an end in 2017. The then mayor officially declared the drought over with a ribbon cutting ceremony, and told drought protestors to shut up and go home.

Drought protestors said they would not leave because the Bristol Reservoirs were not 98% full, they were 2% empty.

Bristol Used New Defense Laser to Eliminate Blight and Critics

In March, Lockheed Martin announced they developed a 60 kilowatt-class laser that the government could use to thwart threats.

Consequently, in an effort to eliminate threats such as blight and critics, the mayor asked the army to fire the laser at both. The Office of the Mayor within days announced, “The U.S. Army, at the behest of the City of Bristol, used a Stryker armored vehicle with a laser weapon and ‘burn-through’ capabilities, eradicated both blight and critics thus removing these stains from Bristol.”

Super Fight II Ellen Vs Ken

Super Fight II, as it is dubbed for the purposes of this article so the boxing playbill created during the election and edited out of a piece can finally be used, did not live up to the hype as Ellen vanquished Mayor Ken handily by winning every precinct. However, the campaign was spirited, entertaining and added to their lore.

Ellen Zoppo-Sassu’s win was historic and inspirational as she became the first hyphenated mayor in Bristol’s history. Her victory carved a path for Councilwoman Mary Fortier to become Bristol’s first acting female mayor.

Mrs. Fortier was subsequently lauded with accolades from all over the state; her photo appeared on the front page of most state newspapers and she made numerous television appearances too. Oh, wait, that was Ellen not Mary. Never mind.

Man Who Crossed Street Without a Crossing Signal Censured by City Council

Forestville resident Limping Larry, without using a crosswalk or a crossing signal to guide him, successfully crossed Pine Street on a Tuesday in mid July and was not injured or harmed, according to police.

However, the City Council, after the incident became public knowledge, censured Larry for taking such a risky walk.

Councilor Dave Preleski opined in a blistering editorial, “How did Limping Larry cross that street? Who colluded with him? Did he have help? If so, who and why? That is not an easy road to cross especially if you have limp even if it is fake like Larry’s.”

Limping Larry subsequently apologized to the Traffic Division and the City Council for crossing the street without waiting for the signal.

The collusion allegation remains under investigation and will be for the foreseeable future.

Forestville Man Opened an Escort Business

The midlife crisis of Forestville resident Bob Knepper continued.

Mr. Knepper opened an escort business in the red-light district of Forestville called Intimate Encounters. “I know prostitution is illegal but that doesn’t mean you can’t do it,” Mr. Knepper said.

Critics charged he was disrespecting and debasing women. In response Mr. Knepper remarked, “How am I being disrespectful and debasing women? We have a good dental plan and I even offered my wife a job on the weekends. You know this political correctness thing has gone too far.”

Help Us Reach Out Goal (BOE Deficit)

In August the Board of Education announced they had a 2.4 million dollar deficit.

Consequently, the BOE had a pledge drive to raise funds for the school year. The event was called “Whoops We Need 2 Million Dollars Pronto Won’t You Please Help.”

The deficit resulted in an escalation of everyone’s favorite social media activities: finger pointing and character assassination.

Closing Thoughts

There are no closing thoughts. This sentence was written to merely extend the article by another sentence. So was this one. And this one too.

Okay, I am done. This is my last sentence.


Bristol Republicans Do Exorcism

December 6, 2017

Following the results of the recent 2017 Municipal Election, which saw Bristol’s Republicans surprisingly lose every council seat but one and the mayor’s office too, Bristol Republicans did an exorcism of the City of Bristol.

Jeff Caggiano, Chairman of the Bristol Republican Town Committee, said they needed to rid Bristol of evil spirits, which clearly took possession of the voters on Election night. “What else can explain their landslide victory?” he asked. “I have come to learn the Demon can control a voter’s mind, a voter’s soul and a voter’s vote too. Who knew?”

The exorcism was held in the basement of St. Joseph’s Church by Fr. Luciano who wore a Medieval-looking red tunic designed by Ralph Lauren. As the exorcism moved along the City of Bristol yelled out insults and blasphemies such as, “Connecting the dots!’ and “Censure!” while it writhed around on the floor and howled like a wolf. Fr. Luciano countered by saying the Hail Mary and the Lord’s Prayer (Extended Version) in broken Italian, while using conservative amounts of Holy Water.

While the ritual played out Mr. Caggiano whispered to Boardman, “If the exorcism doesn’t work we will read from the Necronomicon, do Gregorian chants – whatever it takes.”

Asked if he thought the exorcism was successful Mr. Caggiano remarked, “Ask me that in 2019.”


For Nikki

That’s All Folks

November 11, 2017

On a cold rainy night, crowds numbering in the hundreds, gathered throughout Bristol and Forestville to celebrate that the election was finally over. When the news broke a raucous cheer went up and could be heard from Forestville to Witches Rock and over to Chippens Hill.

The celebrations in Forestville were started by unregistered voters and began just after 8PM Tuesday night, and continued into Wednesday.

Roberta Jones, an attendant at Mr. Bubbles Car Wash, was in disbelief. Trembling and with tears filling her eyes, she asked, “Oh my gosh it’s over? It’s really, really over?” Her friend Wendy fell to her knees and cried, “Thank you baby Jesus!”

A woman named Mitzi Danforth, residing on Redstone Hill Road in an earth colored ranch featuring an electric garage door opener and a finished basement, requested her identity not be revealed was thrilled too, “No more phone calls! No mailers! No more drama!”, she roared.

And Councilman Dave Preleski, like the Crying-Indian in the Keep America Beautiful commercials, shed a single tear and solemnly said, “I don’t have to censure anyone anymore.”

Downtown, a massive crowd assembled along Memorial Boulevard blocking many side streets. Police on horseback cleared the area so the celebration could continue. One man wore a brightly colored Fuck Voting! sweatshirt. It fittingly captured the mood and the moment.

Federal Hill saw its fair share of celebrations too with music and dancing, but the mood was sullied when the revelers realized there is another election in just twelve months.

Election Coverage from the Front Lines

November 7, 2017

5:50 AM – Welcome to coverage of Bristol’s Election Day 2017 from Chippens Hill Middle School polling station. People have been camping out here since last night. Some went home when they found out the line was for voting, not the iPhone X.

5:55 AM – The polls are about to open. As everyone knows, voting in Bristol starts with the traditional casting of the first ballot performed by the resident with the most elections under their belt. That honor goes to 90-year-old Mrs. Myrna Dorian, who is 59 – 0 in voting in elections.

She is now arriving in her 1977 silver Cadillac Seville proudly escorted by four Bristol Shriners in tiny cars.

As last puffs of black soot leave the car’s exhaust pipe, the nonagenarian Mrs. Dorian steps out of her car.

6:00 AM – Mrs. Dorian is still stepping out of her car.

6:15 AM – A polling station volunteer is now helping Mrs. Dorian step out of the car.

She is wearing an extraordinary $30 Martha Stewart ensemble complemented by smart leather pumps from Shoe Circus. Look out, Melanea!

Mrs. Dorian waves to the crowd. In her honor, the middle school band performs the traditional tune “Going to Vote” by John Philip Sousa.

6:25 AM – She’s made her way into the polling station. They are checking her identification. As you know, Connecticut has no photo ID law. This is perfect since rumor has it she has lost her original voter ID card and so is pretending to be a 24-year-old Mexican immigrant.

And there she goes to the ballot booth to fill in her choices.

6:30 AM – Myrna emerges from her booth and deposits her ballot. She turns to the crowd hands in the air and a big smile on her face, her ballot cast.

Confetti is dropping from the ceiling.

Myrna seems a bit confused in the storm of confetti. But she has found the door out.

Myrna returns to her car as the band plays Sousa’s “Returning to the Car After Voting” song.
Damn, that Sousa knew how to write music!

9:00 AM – Bristol’s mayor has entered the polling station wearing his famous orange tie. It measures 3.5 inches wide and is 57 inches long. Rumors abound that the mayor sleeps with the tie because he can’t undue the knot.

City Clerk Therese Pac greets him at the door, dressed in the traditional gold brocade jacket over ruffle shirt, feathered cap, breeches, and white stockings with buckle shoes. Across her chest is the official sash of the Office of City Clerk.

Assistant to the Clerk Dawn LaBella similarly dressed with half-sash blows a trumpet announcing the mayor’s arrival. Hanging off the trumpet is the emblem of Bristol – a giant mum with a sword through it.

9:30 AM – It’s Democrat challenger Mrs. Zoppo-Sassu’s turn. She enters wearing a graduation robe from college and is posing for photographs holding a copy of her degree and an essay on why she wants to be mayor.

10:30 AM – I’m told the major write-in candidate for mayor has just shown up, though no one seems to recognize him.  His candidacy has been marred by obscurity and an insistence that this election be a referendum on the war in Iraq.

11:02 AM: Currently at Northeast Middle School and Greg Hahn, with his hands in his pockets, has leisurely just strolled in and is now leisurely strolling out. He was mumbling something about Kern Park.

12:02 PM: Now at Greene Hills School and Cheryl Thibeault, candidate for office in the 3rd District, has arrived. Weird, but I was talking with her resume© ten minutes before she even got here.

1:30 PM: Registrar of Voters announces at the Chippens Hill precinct that the next 200 people to vote here will receive a Whit Betts bobblehead and Fathead.

3:05 PM: The Registrar is now at the Elks Lodge in District 2 and is randomly giving away toy voting booths and replica “I Voted Today” stickers to anyone that did not look all that weird.

4:30 PM: I Stopped in at Mountain View School and saw cheerleaders, adorned in conservative cheerleading garb so as to not entice the male voter, encouraging voters by chanting, “Vote! Vote! Vote!”

6:09 PM: There was no reason to write this sentence but nonetheless here it is.

6:12 PM: Done.

Should Cockayne Win John Rowland to be Named Bristol’s Ethics Czar

November 7, 2017

John Rowland Bristol’s Ethics Czar?

Should Bristol Mayor Ken Cockayne be reelected for a third consecutive term, he will name former Connecticut Governor, John G. Rowland, Ethics Czar following his latest release from prison, the mayor said at a campaign rally late yesterday.

“There is no better person to be in charge of ethics in the City of Bristol than Governor Rowland,” Cockayne told the crowd of supporters to loud and thunderous applause.

Rowland, described as a serial ethics violator during his tenure as Connecticut’s Governor, will be released from the Lewisburg security facility in Pennsylvania in May. The mayor relayed to the crowd, “Once John Rowland leaves prison he has a home, here in Bristol, in this administration – next to me, anytime he wants.”

Ironically the mayor, known for his own ethical lapses including most recently showing a salacious photo of his cousin and city councilor to anybody with a set of functioning eyes, has called into question the ethics of his opponent in recent days.

Election 2017: Your Guide to Bristol’s Municipal Election

November 7, 2017

Today is Election Day and here is what you need to know.

• The polls open at 6AM and close at 8PM with a 45 minute intermission at 4PM during which a zamboni will clear the floors
• Voters may call ahead to reserve a voting booth for a nominal fee. New for 2017 – Kids vote free!
• Tailgating is allowed. The lots open two (2) hours before the first vote is cast and two hours after the last vote is cast
• Office seekers will sign autographs and sell personalized merchandise
• Concession stands are located at each polling station. This year’s vendors include Chick-fil-A, Coca Cola and Papa John’s, except Chippens Hill which will serve Pâté, Caviar and Chilean Seabass made to order courtesy Capitol Hill Grill

Mayor’s Race

The marquee race pits incumbent Ken Cockayne against Ellen Zoppo-Sassu in a rematch for the mayorship. If Mr. Cockayne wins, he will be the first three-term mayor since the last three-term mayor. He carries into the election an on-base percentage of 0.300, off-base percentage of 0.290, predicted jbr (job growth rate) of 3.5% and a cpt (censures per term) of 1.00.

A win for Mrs. Zoppo-Sassu will not only make her the first mayor in Bristol with a hyphenated last name but also the first mayor to have a first name start with a vowel. She has a pamphlet on this topic available at her campaign office. She also has a pamphlet regarding where her campaign office is, available at her campaign office.

Council Races

There are 12 people running for 6 council seats. Of the 12 there are 8 that wear glasses or are ocular deficient:

Wear Glasses
Greg Hahn, Cheryl Thibeault, Andrew Howe, Dave Preleski, Brittany Barney, Eric Carlson, Mary Fortier and Dave Preleski

Don’t Wear Glasses
Tony D’Amato, Josh Medeiros, Peter Kelley with an e, Mr. Mills and Jodi Zils Gagne

City Disclaimer

Each year in the United States, several people are injured in voting accidents. Residents are urged to follow the rules for proper voting safety. Children under 13 should wear appropriate life jackets. Remember, voting safety begins with v.

People taking MAO inhibitors should consult their doctor before engaging in voting or any Corinth-related activity.

Zoppo-Sassu Releases Platform on Parallel Parking

November 6, 2017

Late yesterday, Democratic mayoral hopeful, Ellen Zoppo-Sassu, announced a community action plan on how to help motorists parallel park. This latest plan comes on the heels of her other intitatives concerning Economic Development, Energy and Efficiency and the Do’s and Don’ts of Cleaning Shower Curtains.

Mrs. Zoppo-Sassu’s 12-step plan is detailed and addresses why drivers are apprehensive about parallel parking. “With my platform we will eliminate the dread of parallel parking, especially amongst new drivers because it is ravaging Bristol. The plan is comprehensive and provides insight into the seldom discussed perils of perpendicular parking as well,” she told Boardman.

If elected the Zoppo-Sassu administration will also tackle the menacing dangers of Dryer Lint Cleaning, which the current administration has refused to do, she added.

The election is Tuesday November 7, 2017. Stay semi-informed with Alan Boardman’s semi-comprehensive and semi-accurate election coverage.