That’s All Folks

November 11, 2017

On a cold rainy night, crowds numbering in the hundreds, gathered throughout Bristol and Forestville to celebrate that the election was finally over. When the news broke a raucous cheer went up and could be heard from Forestville to Witches Rock and over to Chippens Hill.

The celebrations in Forestville were started by unregistered voters and began just after 8PM Tuesday night, and continued into Wednesday.

Roberta Jones, an attendant at Mr. Bubbles Car Wash, was in disbelief. Trembling and with tears filling her eyes, she asked, “Oh my gosh it’s over? It’s really, really over?” Her friend Wendy fell to her knees and cried, “Thank you baby Jesus!”

A woman named Mitzi Danforth, residing on Redstone Hill Road in an earth colored ranch featuring an electric garage door opener and a finished basement, requested her identity not be revealed was thrilled too, “No more phone calls! No mailers! No more drama!”, she roared.

And Councilman Dave Preleski, like the Crying-Indian in the Keep America Beautiful commercials, shed a single tear and solemnly said, “I don’t have to censure anyone anymore.”

Downtown, a massive crowd assembled along Memorial Boulevard blocking many side streets. Police on horseback cleared the area so the celebration could continue. One man wore a brightly colored Fuck Voting! sweatshirt. It fittingly captured the mood and the moment.

Federal Hill saw its fair share of celebrations too with music and dancing, but the mood was sullied when the revelers realized there is another election in just twelve months.

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Election Coverage from the Front Lines

November 7, 2017

5:50 AM – Welcome to coverage of Bristol’s Election Day 2017 from Chippens Hill Middle School polling station. People have been camping out here since last night. Some went home when they found out the line was for voting, not the iPhone X.

5:55 AM – The polls are about to open. As everyone knows, voting in Bristol starts with the traditional casting of the first ballot performed by the resident with the most elections under their belt. That honor goes to 90-year-old Mrs. Myrna Dorian, who is 59 – 0 in voting in elections.

She is now arriving in her 1977 silver Cadillac Seville proudly escorted by four Bristol Shriners in tiny cars.

As last puffs of black soot leave the car’s exhaust pipe, the nonagenarian Mrs. Dorian steps out of her car.

6:00 AM – Mrs. Dorian is still stepping out of her car.

6:15 AM – A polling station volunteer is now helping Mrs. Dorian step out of the car.

She is wearing an extraordinary $30 Martha Stewart ensemble complemented by smart leather pumps from Shoe Circus. Look out, Melanea!

Mrs. Dorian waves to the crowd. In her honor, the middle school band performs the traditional tune “Going to Vote” by John Philip Sousa.

6:25 AM – She’s made her way into the polling station. They are checking her identification. As you know, Connecticut has no photo ID law. This is perfect since rumor has it she has lost her original voter ID card and so is pretending to be a 24-year-old Mexican immigrant.

And there she goes to the ballot booth to fill in her choices.

6:30 AM – Myrna emerges from her booth and deposits her ballot. She turns to the crowd hands in the air and a big smile on her face, her ballot cast.

Confetti is dropping from the ceiling.

Myrna seems a bit confused in the storm of confetti. But she has found the door out.

Myrna returns to her car as the band plays Sousa’s “Returning to the Car After Voting” song.
Damn, that Sousa knew how to write music!

9:00 AM – Bristol’s mayor has entered the polling station wearing his famous orange tie. It measures 3.5 inches wide and is 57 inches long. Rumors abound that the mayor sleeps with the tie because he can’t undue the knot.

City Clerk Therese Pac greets him at the door, dressed in the traditional gold brocade jacket over ruffle shirt, feathered cap, breeches, and white stockings with buckle shoes. Across her chest is the official sash of the Office of City Clerk.

Assistant to the Clerk Dawn LaBella similarly dressed with half-sash blows a trumpet announcing the mayor’s arrival. Hanging off the trumpet is the emblem of Bristol – a giant mum with a sword through it.

9:30 AM – It’s Democrat challenger Mrs. Zoppo-Sassu’s turn. She enters wearing a graduation robe from college and is posing for photographs holding a copy of her degree and an essay on why she wants to be mayor.

10:30 AM – I’m told the major write-in candidate for mayor has just shown up, though no one seems to recognize him.  His candidacy has been marred by obscurity and an insistence that this election be a referendum on the war in Iraq.

11:02 AM: Currently at Northeast Middle School and Greg Hahn, with his hands in his pockets, has leisurely just strolled in and is now leisurely strolling out. He was mumbling something about Kern Park.

12:02 PM: Now at Greene Hills School and Cheryl Thibeault, candidate for office in the 3rd District, has arrived. Weird, but I was talking with her resume© ten minutes before she even got here.

1:30 PM: Registrar of Voters announces at the Chippens Hill precinct that the next 200 people to vote here will receive a Whit Betts bobblehead and Fathead.

3:05 PM: The Registrar is now at the Elks Lodge in District 2 and is randomly giving away toy voting booths and replica “I Voted Today” stickers to anyone that did not look all that weird.

4:30 PM: I Stopped in at Mountain View School and saw cheerleaders, adorned in conservative cheerleading garb so as to not entice the male voter, encouraging voters by chanting, “Vote! Vote! Vote!”

6:09 PM: There was no reason to write this sentence but nonetheless here it is.

6:12 PM: Done.


Should Cockayne Win John Rowland to be Named Bristol’s Ethics Czar

November 7, 2017

John Rowland Bristol’s Ethics Czar?

Should Bristol Mayor Ken Cockayne be reelected for a third consecutive term, he will name former Connecticut Governor, John G. Rowland, Ethics Czar following his latest release from prison, the mayor said at a campaign rally late yesterday.

“There is no better person to be in charge of ethics in the City of Bristol than Governor Rowland,” Cockayne told the crowd of supporters to loud and thunderous applause.

Rowland, described as a serial ethics violator during his tenure as Connecticut’s Governor, will be released from the Lewisburg security facility in Pennsylvania in May. The mayor relayed to the crowd, “Once John Rowland leaves prison he has a home, here in Bristol, in this administration – next to me, anytime he wants.”

Ironically the mayor, known for his own ethical lapses including most recently showing a salacious photo of his cousin and city councilor to anybody with a set of functioning eyes, has called into question the ethics of his opponent in recent days.


Election 2017: Your Guide to Bristol’s Municipal Election

November 7, 2017

Today is Election Day and here is what you need to know.

• The polls open at 6AM and close at 8PM with a 45 minute intermission at 4PM during which a zamboni will clear the floors
• Voters may call ahead to reserve a voting booth for a nominal fee. New for 2017 – Kids vote free!
• Tailgating is allowed. The lots open two (2) hours before the first vote is cast and two hours after the last vote is cast
• Office seekers will sign autographs and sell personalized merchandise
• Concession stands are located at each polling station. This year’s vendors include Chick-fil-A, Coca Cola and Papa John’s, except Chippens Hill which will serve Pâté, Caviar and Chilean Seabass made to order courtesy Capitol Hill Grill

Mayor’s Race

The marquee race pits incumbent Ken Cockayne against Ellen Zoppo-Sassu in a rematch for the mayorship. If Mr. Cockayne wins, he will be the first three-term mayor since the last three-term mayor. He carries into the election an on-base percentage of 0.300, off-base percentage of 0.290, predicted jbr (job growth rate) of 3.5% and a cpt (censures per term) of 1.00.

A win for Mrs. Zoppo-Sassu will not only make her the first mayor in Bristol with a hyphenated last name but also the first mayor to have a first name start with a vowel. She has a pamphlet on this topic available at her campaign office. She also has a pamphlet regarding where her campaign office is, available at her campaign office.

Council Races

There are 12 people running for 6 council seats. Of the 12 there are 8 that wear glasses or are ocular deficient:

Wear Glasses
Greg Hahn, Cheryl Thibeault, Andrew Howe, Dave Preleski, Brittany Barney, Eric Carlson, Mary Fortier and Dave Preleski

Don’t Wear Glasses
Tony D’Amato, Josh Medeiros, Peter Kelley with an e, Mr. Mills and Jodi Zils Gagne

City Disclaimer

Each year in the United States, several people are injured in voting accidents. Residents are urged to follow the rules for proper voting safety. Children under 13 should wear appropriate life jackets. Remember, voting safety begins with v.

People taking MAO inhibitors should consult their doctor before engaging in voting or any Corinth-related activity.


Zoppo-Sassu Releases Platform on Parallel Parking

November 6, 2017

Late yesterday, Democratic mayoral hopeful, Ellen Zoppo-Sassu, announced a community action plan on how to help motorists parallel park. This latest plan comes on the heels of her other intitatives concerning Economic Development, Energy and Efficiency and the Do’s and Don’ts of Cleaning Shower Curtains.

Mrs. Zoppo-Sassu’s 12-step plan is detailed and addresses why drivers are apprehensive about parallel parking. “With my platform we will eliminate the dread of parallel parking, especially amongst new drivers because it is ravaging Bristol. The plan is comprehensive and provides insight into the seldom discussed perils of perpendicular parking as well,” she told Boardman.

If elected the Zoppo-Sassu administration will also tackle the menacing dangers of Dryer Lint Cleaning, which the current administration has refused to do, she added.

The election is Tuesday November 7, 2017. Stay semi-informed with Alan Boardman’s semi-comprehensive and semi-accurate election coverage.


Alt Right Movement Believes New Britain is Meddling with Bristol’s Election

November 5, 2017

Alt Right Bristol conspiracy theorist and InfoWars founder and radio talk show host Alex Jones believes the City of New Britain is interfering with Bristol’s 2017 municipal election.

During his broadcast Friday, Jones told his audience, “Why is New Britain Mayor Erin Stewart always smiling? No politician can be that happy all the time. That tells you something is up!”

Bristol and New Britain are natural rivals based on proximity, sports and competing business interests. Therefore, Mr. Jones speculates it is in New Britain’s interest to interfere with this highly contentious election.

“Clearly, there is a conspiracy afoot,” Mr. Jones said, citing anonymous and high-ranking law enforcement sources whom he declined to name. “Ellen Zoppo is smiling all the time too. Why? She and Stewart have no reason to smile,” Jones added. “Why would two women, from rival towns and opposite political parties, be smiling? Why?”

Why is Mayor Erin Stewart always smiling?

At the debate last month between the mayor and Mrs. Zoppo-Sassu, the mayor appeared to be brooding the entire night. Mr. Jones explained to his national audience that the mayor was brooding for two reasons, “One, he knows the City of New Britain is tampering with Bristol’s election and B, the federal government was using mind control on him.”

Mr. Jones is also suspicious of the Write-in candidacy of Rick Kriscenski. “The Write-in candidate shows up a week before Election Day? No doubt Stewart and to a lesser extent Zoppo put him up to it to confuse voters. The only thing missing is his Che Guevara t-shirt and black beret.”

The Forestville Fire Department declined to comment about this story.

The election is Tuesday November 7, 2017. Stay semi-informed with Alan Boardman’s semi-comprehensive and semi-accurate election coverage.


Place Your Betts! Las Vegas Oddsmakers Taking Betts on Local Elections

November 3, 2017

The race for mayor between Ken Cockayne and Ellen Zoppo-Sassu has attracted the attention of Las Vegas bookmakers and local bookies. However, betting on the outcome is not the only thing people are putting their money on.

The race is too close to call and the line keeps fluctuating so gamblers are placing bets on other categories such as: What color dress will Ellen wear election night? Blue? Red? Hot Magenta? Scotch Tape Plaid? Betters are putting their money on red but if you bet $100 on Scotch Tape Plaid, and she wears it you could win $2,500!

Currently, much to everyone’s chagrin, there is no betting line established for a pantsuit.

As for the mayor on election night, what type of knot will he tie his infamous orange tie? Half Windsor? Full Windsor? Kelvin Knot? Will he need help tying it? The money seems to be following that idea as 45 percent of it came in late yesterday.

You can also lay a wager on who will the Bristol Observer endorse for mayor. Experts discourage putting any money on Ellen because the Observer has become state-run media.

What about the Write-in candidate? Oddsmakers have established an over/under line for him.

In 2015 the Write-in received 11 votes. The over/under this year, based on the candidate’s depth of political knowledge, sincerity, moxie and voter anger, is 15.5.

Bookies are taking bets on the council races too. How many videos will Greg Hahn make of himself taking leisurely strolls? How many times will Andrew Howe use his highly successful, “Bristol is an oasis in a fiscal desert” line prior to Election Day?

Voters have it tough these days. Not only must they decide who the best political leaders are for the town, but who and what they should bet on.

The election is Tuesday November 7, 2017. Stay semi-informed with Alan Boardman’s semi-comprehensive and semi-accurate election coverage.