Will They Debate, or Will They Not Debate: That is the Question

July 18, 2017

Five months before the election for mayor, Bristol/Forestville residents are curious if the two candidates, Mayor Ken Cockayne and challenger Ellen Zoppo-Sassu, will have any debates.

Setting up a debate is no easy task. Guidelines and rules need to be established and agreed upon by the candidates. Squabbling over locations, dates and topics is inevitable and common.

The mayor would prefer there not be any debates telling Boardman while he had this reporter in a headlock, “One is too many while zero is just enough but don’t write that you little jerk!”

Representatives for the mayor have said unofficially that the mayor will debate Mrs. Zoppo-Sassu only under the following conditions:

• She does not make an opening or closing statement
• She does not answer any questions asked of her
• Should Ellen speak her microphone is to be inoperable
• Everything in the debate venue is to be the mayor’s campaign color of orange
• Democrats are prohibited from the debate venue
• Under no circumstances is Ellen to do one of her patented and lethal eye rolls
• If the mayor does not know the answer to a question he can phone a friend, spin again or buy a vowel, whatever is necessary

Jeff Caggiano, Chairman of the Bristol Republican Party, told Boardman, “Mayor Cockayne will be thrilled to debate the democratic candidate provided she adheres to all of our conditions and she has none of her own.”

In response the Zoppo-Sassu campaign had only two demands 1) the mayor agrees to a debate and 2) he shows up.

Mrs. Zoppo-Sassu elaborated to Boardman while drinking a Starbucks® Iced Espresso Classic, Vanilla Latte, “I went through this no debate thing with [Art] Ward. In 2015 my opponent and I debated once. Won’t someone debate me? What about you [Boardman] will you debate me? I will even let you ask yourself questions to make it easy.”

The election is Tuesday, November 7, 2017. Stay informed with Boardman’s semi accurate election coverage.


Will There be a Debate?

July 14, 2017

Last week everyone at the G20 Summit was discussing John Podesta and the DNC server. However, according to sources the “big talk” at the summit was actually, when will Bristol’s mayoral candidates have a debate?

The campaigns of Republican incumbent Ken Cockayne and his Democratic challenger, Ellen Zoppo-Sassu, have yet to officially discuss a debate schedule.

However, operatives say the republicans do not want any debates whatsoever because they are worried Donna Brazile will provide Ellen the questions prior to the debates. “We will not be Brazilled!” exclaimed Jeff Caggiano, Chairman of the Bristol Republican Town Committee at a recent fundraiser.

Should a debate schedule be worked out, a completely fictional Boardman source said republicans will insist that the mayor’s podium be bigger than Mrs. Zoppo-Sassu’s and she be prohibited from making an opening or closing statement. In fact, they will demand she not be allowed to speak, talk, chat, enunciate, verbalize, or whisper, and most importantly, she must pledge not to roll her eyes. “We would prefer she not be invited at all,” said one Republican source who asked that his name, Latham Eikel, not be revealed.

No word from the Zoppo-Sassu campaign if these terms are acceptable.

Noted historian Doris Kearns-Goodwin weighed in on the matter and keenly observed that Bristol’s 2017 election for mayor will be historic. Not because a racial barrier will fall, or the first Roman Catholic will be elected or a man in a wheelchair will win, or a billionaire businessman from New York will defy the odds and beat an establishment candidate.

Rather, should the mayor be victorious, he will be the first Bristol mayor to be re-elected that was censured by the city council, and cost the taxpayers over $100,000 in legal fees due to a “lapse in judgment.”

Meanwhile, if Ellen Zoppo-Sassu is elected she will be the first mayor in Bristol to have a hyphenated last name.

This sentenced was written due to boredom.

Boardman


Nutmeg TV to Air New Game Show ‘As Politicians Match Wits’

July 5, 2017

This September Nutmeg Community Access TV will debut a new game show called,” As Politicians Match Wits”. Votes and donations are on the line as local politicians compete against one another by answering general knowledge questions such as: What color is the color tan? And, what time is it at 10:30?

The program will be hosted by former TV newsman Tom Monahan because he has his own microphone.

The first episode gets off to a quick start with Andrew Howe and Ellen Zoppo-Sassu squaring off. Outraged by the first question, what day is tomorrow?, Mr. Howe forfeits the game because he felt the question should have gone out to referendum so the public could weigh in. Consequently Ellen plays against herself in what turns out to be a seesaw battle. Tune in to see who wins.

Twelve episodes will air and feature Josh Medeiros, Peter Kelley, Greg Hahn, Dave Mills, Eric Carlson, Dave Preleski, Mary Fortier, Anthony D’Amato and Cheryl Thibeault with her impressive resume.

The mayor refused to participate based on the advice of counsel, but Egor his spokesperson will.

Egor

As Politicians Match Wits will air Fridays at 9 p.m. following Nostradamus Knows Best, a sitcom about the everyday troubles faced by the 16th-century French , physician, philosopher and seer.


Knock 3 Times

July 2, 2017

For politicians, knocking on a stranger’s door is no easy task because you do not know what is on the other side. However, door knocking is an effective way to communicate with voters one-on-one and generate good will.

Politicians do a great deal of door knocking during their campaigns and each does so quite differently. Councilwoman Mary Fortier in District 3 says she is a quiet knocker. “I lightly tap three times and if they don’t answer I quietly walk away, but leave behind one of my home-made pies.”

Eric Carlson, a candidate in the First District, has a completely different approach than Mrs. Fortier. “I relentlessly pound on the door until someone answers because I know they are in there.”

Over in District 2, Councilwoman and vocalist Jodi Zils Gagne says she does not bother knocking or ringing doorbells because she sings to entice voters to answer the door. “Usually, an inspirational Broadway song like ‘Dream the Impossible Dream’ or ‘You Gotta Have Heart’ but if I am in the zone I will belt out something from West Side Story in a major scale and a minor scale just for kicks.”

Demographics and party affiliation can play a part in the approach, but for the mayor none of that matters. “I barge in, raid the fridge, make long distance calls and tell them about Bristol’s AAA bond rating and leave.”

Door knocking experts say going door to door is time consuming, so how you knock is important. Two knocks is too few while four is too many but three is just right. Consequently, Andrew Howe, a newcomer to the political arena and a candidate in the Second District, is learning the ropes. He admits his door knocking skills are a work in progress, “I have tried all sorts of approaches, but lately I have been using the old shave and a haircut two bits knock. People answer the door and listen to what I say, but then look at me like I am nuts. I don’t get it.”


Democrats Hope For Big Win In Newest Special Election

June 23, 2017

After bruising losses in four contested special elections, the Democrat Party has turned to a fifth one in Michigan. Jerome Snell III is running against Republican favorite Holly Lambier for class president at Okiedoke High School. It is already the most expensive school election in American history. Hollywood celebrities like Gaten Matarazzo and Sasha Obama poured thousands of jars of pennies into Snell’s campaign.

Lambier brought in a high-powered bully, Kevin, who crafted her campaign slogan: “Snelly Is Smelly.” She is expected to focus on Snell’s lack of style, his poor grades in English and that he is a quote, “stupidhead.”

In an eerie similarity to the recent house race in Georgia, Snell is running for office in a school he doesn’t attend. Also, he is 37 and just graduated college.

Democrat leaders are optimistic. Democratic National Committee chair Tom Perez said, “The other races we lost turned out to not be referendums on Trump, but if we win this one, it will for sure be a referendum on the president.”

Price Is Right
The seat was vacated by Kim Price when Ivanka Trump brought her to the White House to be head of the Department of Fashion. Considered the trendiest teenager at school, Price has a long history of persuading her family to get her the coolest and most coordinated wardrobe in town.

She survived a grueling confirmation hearing earlier this month. Senate Democrats focused on her excessive praise of Bardot tops paired with capri pants. In a testy exchange, Senator Diane Feinstein even compared the shirt to a “crop top,” which drew boos and shouts of “Oh no, she didn’t!” from the pro-Price gallery.

At her swearing-in ceremony, Price said, “Oh my God, I am like really happy to be here. As head of fashion, I want you to know I am going to make sure that like, things like wedge sneakers are out. And adult onesies? Seriously? Circle underscore that a ‘No.'”


It is May Day in June

June 12, 2017

On a sun soaked and warm Saturday afternoon in the Mum City, the Republican Town Committee filled Muzzy Field to celebrate the mayor with speeches of praise and denunciations of Bristol Democrats.

The authoritarian mayor presided over the spectacle from a viewing stand high above the field, and clapped enthusiastically as the RTC marched in elaborate formations before him with colorful orange flags. They sang songs of loyalty, chanted and danced while wearing orange shirts, orange shorts, orange hats, orange boots and orange tube socks.

Following the parade, which included floats with his image, the Supreme Leader addressed the crowd and touted his administration’s accomplishments such as ending the drought and soundproofing his office.

The Supreme Leader then added, “I will do everything in my power to minimize any tax increase but if a tax increase is imposed, I will be certain to blame the Democrats and in particular my opponent in the November election because everything that is wrong in the world is her fault including the fact that my I-Pod does not work.”

Due to his penchant for bulling those that do not share his views, near the conclusion of the event, a shackled union worker was brought before him at the viewing stand and was promptly belittled and demeaned to the crowd’s delight.

The Forestville Fire Department had no comment about the matter.


Stocks Finish Higher On News Of Calvin Brown Retirement

May 31, 2017

First District City Councilor Calvin Brown (D), a self-styled champion of the underclass with a reputation for grandstanding, will not seek re-election. He made the announcement last week to a gathering of shiftless party members at the Bristol Historical Society.

Standing next to a watercolor of city namesake and inspiration, Bristol Palin, Councilor Brown dramatically thanked his supporters. Using his hands, air quotes, dramatic pauses and lots of adjectives, collective nouns and past participles, he added that he will “not be a candidate for office” in “2017””.”

“Afterward”, the Bristol Democratic Town Committee announced they will pay tribute to Mr. Brown by raising his voter ID number to the rafters of their headquarters this June. In November they will also allow him to cast the first ballot in the 2017 election.

The Bristol Republican Party congratulated their political foe as well, texting, “Mr. Brown has a long record of service to this town with perhaps the greatest being his decision to not run again.” In tribute, they sent him a brand new soapbox with the inscription, “Should you reconsider and seek office somewhere other than Bristol.”

The Remarkable Life Of Calvin Brown

Exhaustive research by Boardman on the internet revealed just how much Mr. Brown accomplished in his tenure. A six-foot three-inch, 210-pound outside linebacker from Gainesville, Florida, he is male and has no political experience information on file according to respectively, Google and votesmart. Winning reelection as a Chelsea city councilor, he was arrested for a fight with his wife, served in the NSA as a professor at Shasta College and died in 1923, 2009, 2016 and at least twice in 2017. IMDB also lauds him as the first African American stuntman recognized in Hollywood.

Calvin Brown Timeline

2013
Using charm, thoughtfulness and political moxie, he is elected in the First District.

2014
Fought successfully for 53 school lunch employees from losing their jobs to privatization. As a “thank you”, the cafeteria workers give him a complementary gift card for ten percent off any school lunch except pizza.

2015
Files injunction against the Forestville Duck Race because his plastic yellow duck did not win. Later it is discovered his duck sank to the bottom of the Pequabuck and was not recovered. His supporters suspect sabotage.

2016
The Calvin Clause (a revision to the city charter where elected officials must reside in the district where they were elected during their term of office) is named for him. In an emotional speech on the matter, he declares, “Today I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth.”

2017
Flirts with mayoral run but decides to help Ellen Zoppo-Sassu in her bid to become the first mayor in Bristol’s history to wear black rectangular glasses. Later, Boardman writes an article about him.

2025
Dies in hit-and-run by a self-driving vehicle fleeing a self-driving police car. The vehicle is sentenced to five years in an impound lot and two years community service with Uber. Per the councilor’s will, Mr. Brown is laid to rest in an angry posture next to the future gravesite of Mayor Ken Cockayne.

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