Ellen Vs Ken Round Two!

May 28, 2017

Last week in front of a standing room only crowd at the Bristol Historical Society, Ellen Zoppo-Sassu announced her candidacy for mayor. If nominated and elected, she will be the first mayor in the long history of Bristol to have a hyphenated last name.

One supporter was very encouraged. “We hyphenates have waited a long time for someone who speaks for us. Hopefully, this will lead to the understanding of the hyphenate community and what we’ve been through,” said Mary Astor-Winfield-Jones-Landry-Higgenbocker as she shepherded her twenty-five children through the gathering.

Standing next to a bust of city founder and soul sensation Johnny Bristol, Mrs. Zoppo-Sassu said, “As a graduate of Providence College, and the University of Connecticut, and St.Paul Catholic High School, and… I could go on and on, but let’s face it – this is happening.”

The candidacy sets up a rematch with Ken Cockayne, who defeated her in 2015 by only 128 votes, or 904 in dog years.

Exit polls in 2015 attributed her loss to voters not relating to her being left-handed. The same was found for voters who could not find the exit. Since then, Bristol has seen an influx of left-handed refugees that Democrats hope will boost turnout for her, as long as they do not blow themselves up.

Still the campaign hinted they will tone down her lack of traditional limb dominance. She is expected to be photographed using her right hand and saying right-handed things, like “I love using scissors.”

In January, Mayor Cockayne announced he was seeking a third term. Reading from prepared notes, he said, “I would be proud to represent Bristol for another time, I mean “term”, as your… Page One, mayor, continued. It would be my great honor to work hard for the citizens of this city. Put down notes, look up, exhale. Page Two.”

The mayor presents a formidable challenge, given his popularity, established record and his ability to take criticism with calmness and grace. Some though see his penchant for wearing ties with Windsor knots as alienating the majority of voters who polling suggests, prefer something more elaborate like a Trinity or Eldredge knot. Still, his ties sit well with highly influential heads of Windsor knot lobby groups and his sweaters are simply boffo among the Chippens Hill crowd.


Election Coverage 2017

May 26, 2017

Editor’s note: Here we present our continuing coverage of the Montana and Kansas.

Greg Gianforte won the special election. In his acceptance speech according to the Washington Post, he said, “This is a victory for (everyone in Montana). We won a victory for our second amendment rights (and guns and crime). We won a victory (for fascism and poisoning the air and water).” He also apologized for hitting the Guardian reporter and according to the Post, threatened to “punch anyone who disagreed with that.”

In other news, the Kansas election is still over.


Bristol Closed Until Further Notice

May 22, 2017

Until further notice the City of Bristol is closed to the public for renovations.

Bristol, incorporated in 1785 and home to over 60,000 residents and access to cable television, is being closed so it can be brought up to standard. The city was officially shuttered Monday morning with the renovations expecting to take a long time, weather permitting.

For many years historic buildings have been closing, home prices declining and roads falling into disrepair. The gritty decor and landscape are not expected to change, but residents may notice upgrades to the layout, city charter and their cable television signal.

A key component of the redesign and refurbishment of the 26.8 square miles area will be to rebuild the Old Post Office, Novack’s, Ferraro’s, Longo Sports World and provide burned pizza from La Monico’s.

City Hall apologizes for any inconvenience.


Bristol Democrats Roll out the Red Carpet at Big Event – P.S. It’s Ellen!

May 16, 2017

Last night after much speculation, Ellen Zoppo-Sassu announced she is running for mayor in front of a standing room only crowd at the Bristol Historical Society.

If elected she will be will be the first mayor in the City of Bristol to have a hyphenated last name.

This sets up another showdown between Ellen and the current mayor, Ken Cockayne. Should the mayor prove to be victorious he will be the first mayor in Bristol to win three consecutive elections since the last time a mayor won three consecutive elections.

The democrats pulled out all the stops by actively promoting the event on social media and with searchlights, airplane banners and dropping leaflets on unsuspecting residents.

Deane Kilbourne, Chairman of the Bristol DTC, was the Master of Ceremonies and opened things up with a big production routine. He was surrounded by dancers, torches and fireworks and did a Cirque du Soleil high wire production number amid pyrotechnics. It killed.

The women of the DTC ruled the red carpet with embellished dresses, tulle skirts, cashmere sweaters, sensible shoes and flowing tunics.

First Vice Chairperson for the DTC Kate Matthews showcased her new box clutch. With its clasp fastening and optional chain handle it was all the rage.

City Councilor Mary Fortier worked the rope line; shaking hands with fans and signing autographs while wearing a bold Shetland Blazer.

And mayoral candidate Ellen Zoppo-Sassu mingled with A-listers and supporters alike at the after party (which this reporter was not invited, humph!) while sporting new fashionable shoes.

The fashion critic for the Bristol Press proclaimed the evening, “The social event of the spring season.”

Meanwhile, this sentence was written for no reason.

Boardman


Former Candidate for Mayor Exonerated from FOI charge, JFK Assassination, Tea Pot Dome and Breaking up The Beatles

May 11, 2017

Last year a Freedom of Information complaint filed against former City Councilor and 2015 mayoral hopeful Ellen Zoppo-Sassu was dismissed. The complaint, filed by the former Republican Town Committee leader, alleged she held secret meetings while in charge of a municipal task force.

During the investigation, the Freedom of Information Commission expanded the scope and depth of their probe to the assassination of President Kennedy, “It was only a matter of time before they accused her of that too,” said Claire Gurney, a spokeswoman for the commission on the matter.

The commission said they found no evidence that she was involved in the assassination of the 35th President because her name does not appear anywhere in the 26 volumes of the Warren Report, and most importantly, she was not alive at the time of the assassination.

The city GOP issued a brief statement stating they were unconvinced of her innocence regarding the events in Dallas in 1963. “Just because she wasn’t alive at the time of the assassination does not mean she wasn’t involved. We will keep looking for evidence.”

The matter came to light once again when republican candidate for city council Andrew Howe brought it up during his appearance on the State of the City program Sunday.

In response the Freedom of Information Commission issued a statement late Wednesday, “Let us be clear, the commission dismissed the complaint against Ellen Zoppo-Sassu. Additionally, we found no evidence that she had anything to do with the Tea Pot Dome Scandal, Watergate, Abscam, Iran-Contra, the breakup of the Beatles or the filming of Gigli.”


Mayor and City Council to Use Ouija Board to Make Critical Decisions

May 8, 2017

The Mayor and City Councilors in a unanimous vote last week approved the use of a Ouija Board to help them make pivotal decisions regarding the City of Bristol.

City leaders will use the Ouija Board for guidance while the Cone of Decision is being repaired by Public Works due to overuse during the fall and winter seasons.

The Finance Department thwarted their initial plans for a crystal ball because at $29.95 it was considered a budget buster. However, city officials discovered Mayor Stewart in New Britain used a Ouija Board to seek advice on how to replace the Rock Cats when they moved to Hartford. As a result Bristol has now partnered with New Britain to share the Ouija Board in a shared services program. The head of finance wanted to put the “board game” issue out to referendum but that request was denied.

Sitting in a circle in the Chamber of Seclusion, the Mayor and City Councilors will use the the game board to solicit input from Bristol’s forefathers regarding the former mall site, Memorial Boulevard School, teacher layoffs, Route 6, the mill rate, and a multitude of other topics which are so extraordinary complex they require the counsel and wisdom of dead people.

It is expected that they will begin using it immediately or sooner if possible.

The Ouija Board was not available for comment.


Who Will the Democrats Run?

April 22, 2017

Bristol Democrats have not decided on a mayoral candidate for the 2017 election. They have a strong and talented roster from which to choose. Here is a small list of prominent democrats that Las Vegas odds makers and political insiders say are in the mix.

Ellen Zoppo-Sassu
There is no better resume within either party. She is well-read, smart, talented and knows the issues. However she is left handed and there have not been many left handed mayors in Bristol’s history. Her political foes will hold it against her and no doubt the left handed issue weighs heavy on her decision to seek the top spot. Uncommitted voters say if she shows any evidence of being ambidextrous they will vote for her.

Calvin Brown
Calvin is passionate and enjoys politics yet he has not made a decision about his political future. Although he did tell a radio audience last month that he will hold everyone accountable regardless of what he decides. What punishment will Calvin unleash? A very stiff talking to? Letters to the editor in all caps? Unfriend Facebook friends? Hmm.

Morris “Rippy” Patton
Actively involved in the community and his profile continues to rise within the party. However, he is a Boston Red Sox fan and in 2016 the Sox were 9th in league ERA and backed into the playoffs. Will voters respond to a candidate that supports a team which backed into the playoffs?

Dave Preleski
Hard working, well respected and quiet, Mr. Preleski would be a capable candidate. Critics charge that he is so quiet that he has become the invisible man. Will voters elect the Claude Rains candidate?

The Unknown Candidate
The Unknown candidate is stoic, thoughtful, philosophical, genuine and ethical. That is until he/she must take a position. Like the backup quarterback or the next day’s starting pitcher, everyone loves the unknown candidate. He/she represents what we see in the best of ourselves. It is believed the Unknown Candidate will sit this one out though because he/she has too much baggage.

In the end everyone wants an election process that remains focused on the issues and not the candidates’ personalities. Unless of course you produce content that exposes absurdity and hypocrisy. You want everyone to play nice but you root for a free-for-all. Let’s hope however everyone plays nice in the sandbox (fingers crossed).