Annual Reading of the City Ordinances to Take Place Sunday

April 7, 2018

The annual “Reading of the City Ordinances” will take place Sunday at the Page Park Pavilion beginning at 11AM.

City councilors accompanied by the mayor will lead a procession into the park where they will read all the city ordinances including the appendixes.

The mayor, plus each councilor, will individually arrive carried on a palanquin by eight grown men, wearing color coordinated sashes and turbans.

Citizens are encouraged to arrive early as the streets around the park will be filled with cheering crowds.

While his colleagues read from Bristol’s Book of Ordinances, Councilman Greg Hahn will play an accompaniment on his horn featuring songs from the Great American Song Book including Duke Ellington, Dave Brubeck and Tommy Tutone.

The ceremony begins with a reading from the Charter before moving through the ordinances beginning with Chapter 1, General Provisions and concluding with Chapter 23, Ordinance Enforcement.

Special Guest readers will include state legislators “Give em Hell” Henri Martin and Whitt Betts (R-78), who must leave early for reasons only he and he alone knows.

Others dignitaries expected to attend, but only to wave at the adoring crowds are Cara Christine Pavalock-D’Amato (R-77) and Laura Bartok, Democratic challenger in the 77th state house district.

Meanwhile, City Councilor Josh Medeiros will appear in the role as Josh Medeiros, and City Councilor Peter Kelley with an e will appear courtesy of Peter Kelley with an e.

END

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Alan Boardman is a former reporter for McClatchy newspapers, New York Times, London Times, San Francisco Bee, Wall Street Journal, Chicago Tribune, Washington Post, Los Angeles Times, The Christin Science Monitor, The Boston Globe, Houston Chronicle, and Toronto Star where he covered business, CIA, Justice Department, Foreign relations, and Tourism.

He throws right hits both, shoots 85% from the line and has a QB rating of 101.7. He once had a bank account with Bristol Savings Bank, and read the Warren Report in an afternoon because he was bored.

Alan Boardman has nothing to do after lunch today so if anyone from the “inner circle” is around text him because he would like to go out for an Iced coffee; yesterday has not ended yet.

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Coffee with Three Legislators

March 6, 2018

“Give em Hell” Henri Martin, Cara “DaVille” Pavalock-D’Amato and Whit Betts will host a Coffee Hour this Friday at 9AM at the Whack Shack in Forestville.

In a relaxed and soothing atmosphere devoid of stress, life’s trappings and opposing viewpoints, the public is invited to hear how crummy the state is, what an incompetent governor Malloy happens to be and why state democrats are useless.

All residents with similar misgivings are encouraged to attend and to say the state sucks, but in a lovely voice and a disingenuous smile.

Coffee will be available but not provided.

Those unable to attend because they work – too bad pound sand.

This sentence was written to punish the reader. And this sentence was written to simply waste time. This sentence however; is the last one so thank you and goodbye.


Laura Bartok Throws Her Hat in the Ring

March 5, 2018

Laura Bartok announced Saturday on Facebook, surrounded by friends, supporters and a N450 cable modem router, that she is a candidate for the Democratic nomination in Connecticut’s 77th House District.

Ms. Bartok will have a general fundraiser March 9th, which Boardman was not personally invited to by the candidate because he will not put a stylish and colorful yard sign with her name on his lawn.

Money is the name of the game in politics so other fundraisers are in the works for her including:

* The Laura Bartok 5K
* The Laura Bartok Celebrity Pro-Am Golf Tournament
* The Laura Bartok Benefit Concert featuring the acoustic group Medicare-for-all, and local bar band Closed Casket

She is joined in the race by fellow Democrat Kevin Fuller with the winner advancing to a showdown versus the incumbent Cara Pavalock-D’Amato.

Let’s get down to the nut-cracking…what do we know about Laura Bartok and what is her scouting report per Baseball Prospectus?

* Laura Bartok is maybe 5 foot something
* 34ish in age
* Is a member of the St. Paul mafia
* Bats right throws right
Hit: Average bat speed; patient at the plate and takes close pitches, slight hitch; barrel lags through zone; surprising pop in bat, mild recognition of spin
Defense: Average arm; accurate and chest-high throws on routine plays; arm is fine for 2B; range is a plus
* Ran in 2016 and was defeated by Cara
* Committed to working with humans
* Thinks Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone but has some doubt after watching the movie JFK


2017 Special Session T-Shirts and Swag Bags!

July 19, 2017

As Connecticut’s 2017 Special Session continues with no end in sight, lawmakers were pleased to learn today they will not go home empty handed once the session is completed.

Each legislator will receive a 2017 Special Session T-shirt and headband courtesy of the League of Women Voters. Some will even be lavished with special session gift bags from lobbyists.

Here is a list compiled by Boardman of the freebies local legislators will receive in their gift bags:

Cara Pavalock-D’Amato
Due to her affinity for good quality high heels, the footwear lobby is really taking care of the state representative from the 77th District with several pairs of Christian Louboutin heels in neon, black and gunmetal gray. As an added bonus they included Dr. Scholl’s® High Heels Relieve Insoles and toe spacers too. But that is not all.

Also included are plush slippers, facials and massages at a flotation spa in Desert Springs, spices from the Orient, Polynesian Bath Bombs and a Shop Rite protein bar.

“Give ’em Hell” Henri Martin
Assistant Senate Republican Majority Leader and real estate tycoon is getting a one year subscription to McMansionHell.com.

Whit Betts
Bristol’s very own political aristocrat will find in his “swag bag” a humidor, Cuban Cigars, caviar, several tins of pâté de foie gras, one vintage bottle of 1959 Château Lafite-Rothschild for his wine cellar, new foxhunting apparel, a Fabergé Imperial Easter Egg and a Subway coupon good for a free six inch.

Chris Ziogas
Because he is the new guy he just gets the ill-fitting 2017 Special Session T-shirt.


Forestville Residents Protest Local Election Results

November 13, 2016

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In the predawn hours Wednesday, California voters disappointed with the election results took to the streets and burned American flags, and vandalized property. They also destroyed Windows, but since it was Windows 365, no one cared.

Three thousand miles away in Forestville, voters were equally disappointed and expressed frustration with the local election results. Rank and file democrats believed they had a good field of candidates and felt confident they would defeat the Republicans. It did not happen and Bristol Republicans retained their seats in the Connecticut legislature. However, unlike California, they took to twitter to express their outrage and organize unique boycotts.

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Pavalock Takes the 77th District, Credits Her Signs for the Win

November 9, 2016

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Cara Pavalock has defeated Laura Bartok in the 77th District. With her win she will represent Forestville for another 2 years.

Appearing at Nuchie’s she addressed her enthusiastic supporters, “The giant signs with my image plastered all over the district were the difference. Next election I promise to not only have more giant law signs with my image, but all the topiaries in the 77th cut and pruned to look like me too.”

The mood at Laura Bartok’s headquarters was a sullen but the first-time candidate was upbeat after a well-run race. “I had so much fun knocking on doors and talking to voters during the campaign that I will continue to knock on doors and talk to voters just for the heck of it even though I lost and the race is over,” she remarked.

In Other Election News Related to Forestville

Other results: By a slim margin (51-49) residents said the police chief must be a human to be police chief.

The bond for street improvements passes 50 to 50%, leaving the City Council to flesh out the kind of pavement used to improve the streets.

43 to 10% decided giraffes will be the official mascot of Bristol; thanks to a winning margin of 40 to 60% casual Friday will be replaced by After Five Friday; 70% approved referring people who are delinquent in putting out their trash to a garbage collection agency.

Election fallout: Local school principal is sad, but accepts the will of the people regarding the Bristol mascot issue. Now begins the hard task of changing the school sports uniforms and logos to the Fighting Giraffes.

END

P.S. I’m done.


Live Election Coverage 8:01 Update

November 8, 2016

breaking-news

8:01 PM – Forestville, CT

Polls have closed. The vote count will be tighter than usual since the registrar says they will be counting ballots in a small closet at city hall. The closet is considered to be safe from Russian hackers and the vast right wing conspiracy.

Exit polls are showing that Trump is doing better with white males.
However, illegals are voting for Hillary 2 to 1.

Locally:

Sign makers are tilting towards Cara Pavalock.