Forestville Residents Protest Local Election Results

November 13, 2016

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In the predawn hours Wednesday, California voters disappointed with the election results took to the streets and burned American flags, and vandalized property. They also destroyed Windows, but since it was Windows 365, no one cared.

Three thousand miles away in Forestville, voters were equally disappointed and expressed frustration with the local election results. Rank and file democrats believed they had a good field of candidates and felt confident they would defeat the Republicans. It did not happen and Bristol Republicans retained their seats in the Connecticut legislature. However, unlike California, they took to twitter to express their outrage and organize unique boycotts.

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Pavalock Takes the 77th District, Credits Her Signs for the Win

November 9, 2016

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Cara Pavalock has defeated Laura Bartok in the 77th District. With her win she will represent Forestville for another 2 years.

Appearing at Nuchie’s she addressed her enthusiastic supporters, “The giant signs with my image plastered all over the district were the difference. Next election I promise to not only have more giant law signs with my image, but all the topiaries in the 77th cut and pruned to look like me too.”

The mood at Laura Bartok’s headquarters was a sullen but the first-time candidate was upbeat after a well-run race. “I had so much fun knocking on doors and talking to voters during the campaign that I will continue to knock on doors and talk to voters just for the heck of it even though I lost and the race is over,” she remarked.

In Other Election News Related to Forestville

Other results: By a slim margin (51-49) residents said the police chief must be a human to be police chief.

The bond for street improvements passes 50 to 50%, leaving the City Council to flesh out the kind of pavement used to improve the streets.

43 to 10% decided giraffes will be the official mascot of Bristol; thanks to a winning margin of 40 to 60% casual Friday will be replaced by After Five Friday; 70% approved referring people who are delinquent in putting out their trash to a garbage collection agency.

Election fallout: Local school principal is sad, but accepts the will of the people regarding the Bristol mascot issue. Now begins the hard task of changing the school sports uniforms and logos to the Fighting Giraffes.

END

P.S. I’m done.


Live Election Coverage 8:01 Update

November 8, 2016

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8:01 PM – Forestville, CT

Polls have closed. The vote count will be tighter than usual since the registrar says they will be counting ballots in a small closet at city hall. The closet is considered to be safe from Russian hackers and the vast right wing conspiracy.

Exit polls are showing that Trump is doing better with white males.
However, illegals are voting for Hillary 2 to 1.

Locally:

Sign makers are tilting towards Cara Pavalock.


Live Election Coverage 7:20 Update

November 8, 2016

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Report from the Front Lines of the Election

7:15 PM Forestville, CT

It’s after dinner and we had hoped to bring you early results based on exit polling at the voting location by the senior center. However, we have had trouble accurately assessing the opinions of voters since most of them have had trouble locating the exits.

Little Kenny Manners was shouting to people casting ballots inside the Maple Street polling location that his dad says Trump is a big poopyhead. Security is escorting him out. We are informed Kenny faces ten years in jail for violating laws against electioneering inside a polling place. “This will serve as a valuable lesson for him,” the police say.


Live Election Coverage 6:35 Update

November 8, 2016

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6:30 PM Forestville, CT

We have indications something is wrong at the polls. Around dusk I visited Forestville Cemetery and one tombstone has an “I Voted Today!” sticker on it.

Mrs. Ernestine Cunkel of 57 Aberdeen Lane voted for Trump. She never votes Republican! Health care specialists have been called.

People from the Clinton campaign are manning one polling place downtown to make certain their voters get to vote at least twice. They are therefore working to prevent what would otherwise be a voting irregularity for the party.

More updates as news filters in.


Bristol Democrats Pulling Out All the Stops

November 8, 2016
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Church of the Holy Sepulchre

Even though there are more registered Democrats than Republicans in Bristol, Democrats are still nervous that they may lose a seat at the state legislature. As a result they are leaving nothing to chance regarding this election, so they are taking their pleas for votes to a higher authority.

Last week a special envoy from Bristol’s Democratic Town Committee was sent to pray at the holiest and sacred of all places the Church of the Holy Sepulchre in Jerusalem. The site of the church is considered the place where Jesus’s tomb is located.

“This person has one mission; okay two, pray hard for some wins locally and pick up cool souvenirs from the gift shop,” said Deane Kilbourne, Chairman of the Bristol DTC.

Stay informed all day with Alan Boardman’s ballot to ballot coverage of Election Day. When news hits we hit back.

Alan Boardman’s Forestville Blog. It’s on the Internet!


Voting in the 21st Century

November 8, 2016

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The City of Bristol Registrar of Voters office is deploying greeters at the nine voting precincts today.

The greeters are there to make voters feel welcomed and valued. They are instructed to shake their hands and pat them on the buttocks for a job well done after they have placed their vote. “We believe it will make the voter feel appreciated,” said Bill Plumb, a low level functionary with no responsibility in the Registrar’s office.

Another innovation that is sure to add spark, energy and whip voters into a frenzy is voter introductions and pyro.

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Voters will be introduced over a PA system as they make their way to the voting booth with loud music, 3D graphics, wandering spotlights, flame projectors shooting fire 12 feet into the air, and laser lights with their name and party affiliation displayed on the floor, ceilings and walls. “Why shouldn’t voters receive the same pageantry afforded professional athletes?”