Now that football season is over with the completion of the Super Bowl, the office of the Athletic Director for the School District in collaboration with the Bristol Board of Education announced they are making significant changes to Bristol’s Thanksgiving Day game known as the Battle for the Bell next season. The changes are being made so the game is not just about football, but improving academics and standardized test scores as well.
Among the changes for the 2018 game are the following:
1) Players will have Roman Numerals on their Jerseys
Reason: According to the BOE, “There is no better way or time to introduce students to Latin.”
2) Metric System to be used as the Unit of Measurement
Reason: “Swimming and track and field use the metric system and those sports have international appeal so it is about time football did too. Using the metric system will make the game European,” officials said.
* Yards will be replaced with meters
* Players weight measured in kilograms and height in centimeters
* Statistics recorded in kilometers, meters and centimeters
* Offense and defense will only have ten players on the field at a time
3) Players Names Added to their Jerseys and in Cursive Script
Reason: “Common Core standards dictate cursive not be taught however; today’s students cannot write in cursive nor can they read cursive, but they will need to know how to read cursive on legal documents when they purchase a home, are sued or get divorced,” the BOE press release stated.
4) Spectators Tested at Halftime
Reason: No one listens to the bands intently so there will be a music appreciation test following the performances. Spectators must identify instruments, compositions and musical periods from the Baroque era through the jazz era before the game resumes.
5) Halftime Renamed Intermission
Reason: Bristol is in need of culture and refinement and doing so will give the game an air of sophistication.
* Spectators wear attire that is not disruptive to the game
* Attendance taken prior to the coin flip
* One-third of American kids are overweight or obese so only fruit and vegetables will be served inside the stadium
* Packets of carrot sticks and humus are allowed, provided they are in a clear plastic bag
* 15 minutes allotted to eat
To this end, the Board of Education updated the student handbook to reflect these new policies.