Changes Coming to Thanksgiving Day Game

February 8, 2018

Now that football season is over with the completion of the Super Bowl, the office of the Athletic Director for the School District in collaboration with the Bristol Board of Education announced they are making significant changes to Bristol’s Thanksgiving Day game known as the Battle for the Bell next season. The changes are being made so the game is not just about football, but improving academics and standardized test scores as well.

Among the changes for the 2018 game are the following:

1) Players will have Roman Numerals on their Jerseys
Reason: According to the BOE, “There is no better way or time to introduce students to Latin.”

2) Metric System to be used as the Unit of Measurement
Reason: “Swimming and track and field use the metric system and those sports have international appeal so it is about time football did too. Using the metric system will make the game European,” officials said.

* Yards will be replaced with meters
* Players weight measured in kilograms and height in centimeters
* Statistics recorded in kilometers, meters and centimeters

* Offense and defense will only have ten players on the field at a time

3) Players Names Added to their Jerseys and in Cursive Script
Reason: “Common Core standards dictate cursive not be taught however; today’s students cannot write in cursive nor can they read cursive, but they will need to know how to read cursive on legal documents when they purchase a home, are sued or get divorced,” the BOE press release stated.

4) Spectators Tested at Halftime
Reason: No one listens to the bands intently so there will be a music appreciation test following the performances. Spectators must identify instruments, compositions and musical periods from the Baroque era through the jazz era before the game resumes.

5) Halftime Renamed Intermission
Reason: Bristol is in need of culture and refinement and doing so will give the game an air of sophistication.

Other changes include the following:

* Spectators wear attire that is not disruptive to the game
* Attendance taken prior to the coin flip
* One-third of American kids are overweight or obese so only fruit and vegetables will be served inside the stadium
* Packets of carrot sticks and humus are allowed, provided they are in a clear plastic bag
* 15 minutes allotted to eat

To this end, the Board of Education updated the student handbook to reflect these new policies.

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Officials Consider Playing Annual Thanksgiving Day Game in Summer

November 27, 2016

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With the game time temperature in the low 40s and mainly gray skies, the Bristol Eastern and Bristol Central football teams engaged in the annual Battle for the Bell Thursday at Muzzy Field. Central defeated their crosstown rival 30-12 in a spirited contest.

The Battle for the Bell game played Thanksgiving Day is a tradition that dates back to 1959. However, parents and spectators sitting in the cold and unforgiving bleachers Thursday wondered why the game is played in November under such conditions. “Why can’t the Thanksgiving Day game be played in June?” asked Natalie Housen. It’s warm and sunny then.”

Anne Wharton, who was wrapped in a Sherpa Blanket with matching Pom-pom hat and thermal gloves for the entire game added through chattering teeth, “Why…even…play…outside? They…should play indoors in a…controlled…environment.”

Bernadette Jackson, while playing Plants Vs. Zombies on her phone, went even further, “Just have a computer play the game. They do everything else.”

Concerned parents formed an action committee after the game with the intent of petitioning the Board of Education to move the game to a warmer month. In a press release they said, “The Moving the Bell Action Committee (MTAC) is a group of parents working together to not only enhance our children’s football experience, but everyone’s football experience by moving the Thanksgiving Day game to a month that is not known for being cold.”

From her gold encrusted lectern the Superintendent of the Board of Education said Saturday, “In the wake of cool temperatures and cold bleachers we will consider the proposal by MTAC to move the game to a warmer date or have a computer simulate the game. Frankly, the computer simulation is the better option from a cost analysis standpoint.”


Stay off the Grass! City Officials Consider Removal of Grass Ball Fields With Concrete Ball Fields

December 6, 2015
2016 Battle for the Bell could be played on concrete field

2016 Battle for the Bell could be played on concrete field

The city is considering eliminating grass fields in favor of synthetic playing surfaces at the local high schools and Muzzy Field. However, parents are worried about their children playing on synthetic fields due to the possibility that childhood cancers are increasing as a result of the tiny granules of crumb rubber used to make the artificial grass. Some communities, which previously installed the synthetic fields, are now removing them due to the potential dangers to the athletes that play on them.

Grass fields, once the darling of all communities, have come under fire by parent organizations too due to maintenance issues and the spraying of pesticides on the surfaces to stop weeds from growing. The pesticides have been related to cancer issues.

Based on this information policy makers are now considering installing concrete playing surfaces at the high schools and Muzzy Field. The advantage to a concrete field is there are no maintenance issues, but there is an increase to “impact” injuries such as broken bones, scrapes and concussions, according to park department officials.

However, a local parent group has come forward and petitioned town officials to eliminate all playing fields, and school outdoor activities due to concerns about air pollution. “By playing outside on these fields our children are exposed to harmful air particles such as sulfur oxides, nitrogen oxides and carbon monoxide that are in the air. The exposure to these chemicals may result in asthma, wheezing, coughing and cardiovascular disease. It is our belief that children stay indoors and not participate in any physical activity,” their petition read.

Local officials say they need to review the matter so they are not ready to comment.

Workers installing concrete baseball field

Workers install concrete baseball field