Schools Closed Today Parents Still Outraged

January 17, 2018

Bristol and Forestville schools are closed today due to a winter storm that is expected to drop 4-7 inches of snow.

The Board of Education made the decision to cancel school Tuesday evening. However, for some parents that was too late. “They knew ten days ago about this storm so they should have canceled then,” said one mother named Marla Walley, who asked not to be identified. “Waiting until the night before the storm is ridiculous! It could have and should have been done last week.”

Parents also complained that the accumulations are not expected to be substantial and blamed the BOE. “Four to seven inches is a waste of everybody’s time. If the Board of Ed wants the day off then they should have a real snowstorm. The Board of Education can’t get anything right,” remarked Rosa Martinez, a parent.

Others were livid with the Public Works Department because their road was not the first to be plowed. “This is ridiculous. I live on a fault line so my street should be plowed first,” remarked Mark Hannah. “If there is an earthquake during the storm how will first responders help me if my road is not plowed?”

Forestville resident Omar Hassan saw it differently. “I live on a very important secondary road so it should be plowed well before everyone else. No it is not near the hospital and no it is not a state road, but it is an essential neighborhood road that is used as a cut through.”

In a related story. Bristol Talks is complaining again…….

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Local Bookie Taking Bets on Conspiracy Theories Regarding False Missile Warning in Hawaii

January 13, 2018

Hawaii was subject to a state wide alert warning of an incoming ballistic missile this morning. It was later determined to be a false alarm due to human error.

However Smitty, Forestville’s resident bookie, quickly established a betting line to determine, How Long Will it Take for a Conspiracy Theory to be Generated about the False Alert?

Less than 24 hours is the favorite at -165. Meaning a bet of $165 will net $100.

24-48 hours, 48-72 hours or whenever Alex Jones gains access to a television studio are being offered too.

Wagers can also place bets on, Who Will be Blamed?

Smitty established The Deep State with the best chance because they are a favorite foil amongst the Alt-Right community.

Others with a betting line include President Obama and Hillary Clinton. Hillary Clinton, a frequent target for conspiracy theorists, has been accused of murder, using body doubles and shaky financial dealings just to name a few to keep the word count for this article under 250.

Longshots on a local level are the current occupant of Bristol mayor’s office, and the Bristol Board of Education.

Another side bet is, Who Will Peddle the First Conspiracy Theory?

Alex Jones, host of InfoWars, a noted conspiracy theorist who promoted 9/11 was an inside job, mass shootings are false flag operations, Obama is the head of Al-Qaeda and the government is using juice boxes to make children gay, is the favorite coming out of the clubhouse followed by Fox News host Sean Hannity and Trump.


A Look Back at 2017

December 27, 2017

2017 had its fair share of stories and headlines to captivate the residents of Bristol and Forestville. Here is a look back at just a few of the stories that made headlines.

Drought Ends

The drought of 2016 came to an end in 2017. The then mayor officially declared the drought over with a ribbon cutting ceremony, and told drought protestors to shut up and go home.

Drought protestors said they would not leave because the Bristol Reservoirs were not 98% full, they were 2% empty.

Bristol Used New Defense Laser to Eliminate Blight and Critics

In March, Lockheed Martin announced they developed a 60 kilowatt-class laser that the government could use to thwart threats.

Consequently, in an effort to eliminate threats such as blight and critics, the mayor asked the army to fire the laser at both. The Office of the Mayor within days announced, “The U.S. Army, at the behest of the City of Bristol, used a Stryker armored vehicle with a laser weapon and ‘burn-through’ capabilities, eradicated both blight and critics thus removing these stains from Bristol.”

Super Fight II Ellen Vs Ken

Super Fight II, as it is dubbed for the purposes of this article so the boxing playbill created during the election and edited out of a piece can finally be used, did not live up to the hype as Ellen vanquished Mayor Ken handily by winning every precinct. However, the campaign was spirited, entertaining and added to their lore.

Ellen Zoppo-Sassu’s win was historic and inspirational as she became the first hyphenated mayor in Bristol’s history. Her victory carved a path for Councilwoman Mary Fortier to become Bristol’s first acting female mayor.

Mrs. Fortier was subsequently lauded with accolades from all over the state; her photo appeared on the front page of most state newspapers and she made numerous television appearances too. Oh, wait, that was Ellen not Mary. Never mind.

Man Who Crossed Street Without a Crossing Signal Censured by City Council

Forestville resident Limping Larry, without using a crosswalk or a crossing signal to guide him, successfully crossed Pine Street on a Tuesday in mid July and was not injured or harmed, according to police.

However, the City Council, after the incident became public knowledge, censured Larry for taking such a risky walk.

Councilor Dave Preleski opined in a blistering editorial, “How did Limping Larry cross that street? Who colluded with him? Did he have help? If so, who and why? That is not an easy road to cross especially if you have limp even if it is fake like Larry’s.”

Limping Larry subsequently apologized to the Traffic Division and the City Council for crossing the street without waiting for the signal.

The collusion allegation remains under investigation and will be for the foreseeable future.

Forestville Man Opened an Escort Business

The midlife crisis of Forestville resident Bob Knepper continued.

Mr. Knepper opened an escort business in the red-light district of Forestville called Intimate Encounters. “I know prostitution is illegal but that doesn’t mean you can’t do it,” Mr. Knepper said.

Critics charged he was disrespecting and debasing women. In response Mr. Knepper remarked, “How am I being disrespectful and debasing women? We have a good dental plan and I even offered my wife a job on the weekends. You know this political correctness thing has gone too far.”

Help Us Reach Out Goal (BOE Deficit)

In August the Board of Education announced they had a 2.4 million dollar deficit.

Consequently, the BOE had a pledge drive to raise funds for the school year. The event was called “Whoops We Need 2 Million Dollars Pronto Won’t You Please Help.”

The deficit resulted in an escalation of everyone’s favorite social media activities: finger pointing and character assassination.

Closing Thoughts

There are no closing thoughts. This sentence was written to merely extend the article by another sentence. So was this one. And this one too.

Okay, I am done. This is my last sentence.


Mayor Goes on Resignation Crusade!

September 20, 2017

Due to the Board of Education’s 2-million-dollar shortfall, the mayor took to social media recently and asked for two of its elected volunteers to resign. Many residents were shocked while his loyal and rabid supporters stood by his statement. However, Boardman has learned that the mayor’s resignation demand is not limited to merely the Board of Education.

Last Saturday during a baseball game at Forestville Little League, with a runner on first in the last inning and his team down by a run, Manager Ed Oates did not ask his batter to bunt. Instead the batter swung away and he hit into a double play.

The mayor, who was in attendance, was incensed by the strategy. Following the ballgame, he again took to social media and condemned the coaches and asked that they too resign. “How do you not bunt in that situation?” he asked pointedly. “I don’t know why they did not bunt they’re, their…then…but they should do everyone a favor and quit.”

His minions, who were not at the game nor familiar with the batter or his skill set or the managers thinking, were quick to pile on to impress the supreme leader. Patriot50 fired the first salvo, “I have tapes of this guy coaching games and I will send them to America’s Funniest Home Videos!” she angrily wrote.

Mimi Pipkens was up next and fired at will. “I heard when Moses came down from Mount Sinai he left several commandments behind and one of them was ‘Thou Shall Not Let Ed Oates be a Volunteer or Manage a Baseball Team.’”

Latham Eikel was more direct and snarled, “For not bunting Ed Oates should be hung and dragged through the streets of Forestville like Mussolini.”

The mayor was not done.

Julius Denforth is the Den Leader for Cub Scout Troop 314, which meets at Greene Hills School Monday nights between 7:30 and 9:00 P.M. Upon hearing that Troop 314 meets Monday nights, the mayor took to social media to denounce Julius and demand his resignation. “Who schedules a meeting during Monday night Football? This guy needs to reszin, reszi,…I mean quit.”

The mayor then went on to provide a list of volunteers that he feels must leave because he said so: Volunteer Fire Departments, Hurricane Irma relief volunteers, Habitat for the Humanities, Red Cross, ARF and the lemonade stand on Academy Street because “the lemonade don’t taste twoto..too…no good.”


Board of Education Budget Laid to Rest

September 20, 2017

Following the revelation several weeks ago that a 2 million dollar deficit was unexpectedly discovered regarding the Board of Education budget, a solemn ceremony called a Day of Reflection and Remembrance was held on the grounds of the BOE early yesterday to pay tribute to the budget as it was formally known.

The event was attended by officials, administrators and fourteen school children representing each public school in Bristol and Forestville.

The superintendent of schools left the safety of her palatial office to attend the event, and laid a wreath at the foot of the memorial made in honor of the budget. “While this is a solemn ceremony let this serve as a reminder right here and right now, that government accounting in any capacity is not easy and any budget, no matter how big and no matter how small, can experience an unexpected shortfall or gap,” she said.

Flags at the BOE will fly at half-staff until the cause of the shortfall is determined, and employees will wear a special patch on their left sleeve depicting a pie chart, which represents the budget.


Boardman Latest Victim of Cyberattack

June 29, 2017

Boardman discovered it was the latest victim of a new ransomware, Basho-Buson.

Forensic computer experts found that it got into the computer system when an employee opened an email claiming to be from the “President of the America.”  In the email, he clicked on a link that promised to give him “million of dollar.”  Off the site it linked to, he downloaded a file that claimed to have the location of Blackbeard’s buried treasure.  Once on his computer, he opened the file.  The file told him to download the ransomware which he then did, causing the infectionIn the east.

“Basho-Buson is software that we call ‘malicious’, which means ‘bad’, that affects computers or what lay people call ‘counting machines’,” said an expert, which is a term used to describe someone who knows a lot.  “The sender employs a clever strategy to dupe the user into thinking this will be a good, not harmful ransomware.  I mean, who wouldn’t think they were about to get Blackbeard’s treasure map?” splash! Silence again.

Boardman ended up paying the requested ransom – two Bitcoins, a job reference and three power ups for Angry Birds, the latter for which the staff had to stay up all night playing the game to get.  Fortunately, the attackers did release Boardman computers upon ransom payment these brilliant-hued hibiscus.
 
Basho-Buson ransomware takes its name from famed haiku poets Matsuo Bashōand Yosa Buson.  The ransomware causes every paragraph in Word documents to end with a line from these poets’ work shows my father’s face.
 
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Educating a City

April 9, 2017

Bristol is currently engaged in a spirited debate about education with local republicans wanting to run the school system like a business. As a result they recently hired Jonathan Spiegle to help them in this endeavor.

Mr. Spiegle is not a newcomer to understanding what is best for children’s education and welfare. For many years he has advocated running schools like a business.

For example three years ago Mr. Spiegle called for the elimination of the school lunch program. “Food is wasted on the hungry,” he wrote. “Do you know how much money is wasted on food? Neither do I but I hear it is lots and lots.”

Two years ago he lobbied Congress to eliminate recess, “Why do schools have the responsibility of making sure kids are physically fit? Kids are there to learn not run around and have fun. Shouldn’t they do that at home?” he asked lawmakers.

And last year he wanted children to pay for their own text books. “Schools teach students how to read and write. Too bad they don’t teach them personal responsibility by demanding they pay for their own text books too.”

Spiegle, speaking before Bristol Republicans at a luncheon Friday outlined the approach Bristol should take regarding education. “This is very simple. The problem with schools is the kids. If you get rid of the kids then you get rid of the problems.” Following his remarks he was greeted with chants of “No More Kids! No More Kids! No More Kids!”