Mayor Goes on Resignation Crusade!

September 20, 2017

Due to the Board of Education’s 2-million-dollar shortfall, the mayor took to social media recently and asked for two of its elected volunteers to resign. Many residents were shocked while his loyal and rabid supporters stood by his statement. However, Boardman has learned that the mayor’s resignation demand is not limited to merely the Board of Education.

Last Saturday during a baseball game at Forestville Little League, with a runner on first in the last inning and his team down by a run, Manager Ed Oates did not ask his batter to bunt. Instead the batter swung away and he hit into a double play.

The mayor, who was in attendance, was incensed by the strategy. Following the ballgame, he again took to social media and condemned the coaches and asked that they too resign. “How do you not bunt in that situation?” he asked pointedly. “I don’t know why they did not bunt they’re, their…then…but they should do everyone a favor and quit.”

His minions, who were not at the game nor familiar with the batter or his skill set or the managers thinking, were quick to pile on to impress the supreme leader. Patriot50 fired the first salvo, “I have tapes of this guy coaching games and I will send them to America’s Funniest Home Videos!” she angrily wrote.

Mimi Pipkens was up next and fired at will. “I heard when Moses came down from Mount Sinai he left several commandments behind and one of them was ‘Thou Shall Not Let Ed Oates be a Volunteer or Manage a Baseball Team.’”

Latham Eikel was more direct and snarled, “For not bunting Ed Oates should be hung and dragged through the streets of Forestville like Mussolini.”

The mayor was not done.

Julius Denforth is the Den Leader for Cub Scout Troop 314, which meets at Greene Hills School Monday nights between 7:30 and 9:00 P.M. Upon hearing that Troop 314 meets Monday nights, the mayor took to social media to denounce Julius and demand his resignation. “Who schedules a meeting during Monday night Football? This guy needs to reszin, reszi,…I mean quit.”

The mayor then went on to provide a list of volunteers that he feels must leave because he said so: Volunteer Fire Departments, Hurricane Irma relief volunteers, Habitat for the Humanities, Red Cross, ARF and the lemonade stand on Academy Street because “the lemonade don’t taste twoto..too…no good.”


Board of Education Budget Laid to Rest

September 20, 2017

Following the revelation several weeks ago that a 2 million dollar deficit was unexpectedly discovered regarding the Board of Education budget, a solemn ceremony called a Day of Reflection and Remembrance was held on the grounds of the BOE early yesterday to pay tribute to the budget as it was formally known.

The event was attended by officials, administrators and fourteen school children representing each public school in Bristol and Forestville.

The superintendent of schools left the safety of her palatial office to attend the event, and laid a wreath at the foot of the memorial made in honor of the budget. “While this is a solemn ceremony let this serve as a reminder right here and right now, that government accounting in any capacity is not easy and any budget, no matter how big and no matter how small, can experience an unexpected shortfall or gap,” she said.

Flags at the BOE will fly at half-staff until the cause of the shortfall is determined, and employees will wear a special patch on their left sleeve depicting a pie chart, which represents the budget.

Boardman Latest Victim of Cyberattack

June 29, 2017

Boardman discovered it was the latest victim of a new ransomware, Basho-Buson.

Forensic computer experts found that it got into the computer system when an employee opened an email claiming to be from the “President of the America.”  In the email, he clicked on a link that promised to give him “million of dollar.”  Off the site it linked to, he downloaded a file that claimed to have the location of Blackbeard’s buried treasure.  Once on his computer, he opened the file.  The file told him to download the ransomware which he then did, causing the infectionIn the east.

“Basho-Buson is software that we call ‘malicious’, which means ‘bad’, that affects computers or what lay people call ‘counting machines’,” said an expert, which is a term used to describe someone who knows a lot.  “The sender employs a clever strategy to dupe the user into thinking this will be a good, not harmful ransomware.  I mean, who wouldn’t think they were about to get Blackbeard’s treasure map?” splash! Silence again.

Boardman ended up paying the requested ransom – two Bitcoins, a job reference and three power ups for Angry Birds, the latter for which the staff had to stay up all night playing the game to get.  Fortunately, the attackers did release Boardman computers upon ransom payment these brilliant-hued hibiscus.
Basho-Buson ransomware takes its name from famed haiku poets Matsuo Bashōand Yosa Buson.  The ransomware causes every paragraph in Word documents to end with a line from these poets’ work shows my father’s face.
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Educating a City

April 9, 2017

Bristol is currently engaged in a spirited debate about education with local republicans wanting to run the school system like a business. As a result they recently hired Jonathan Spiegle to help them in this endeavor.

Mr. Spiegle is not a newcomer to understanding what is best for children’s education and welfare. For many years he has advocated running schools like a business.

For example three years ago Mr. Spiegle called for the elimination of the school lunch program. “Food is wasted on the hungry,” he wrote. “Do you know how much money is wasted on food? Neither do I but I hear it is lots and lots.”

Two years ago he lobbied Congress to eliminate recess, “Why do schools have the responsibility of making sure kids are physically fit? Kids are there to learn not run around and have fun. Shouldn’t they do that at home?” he asked lawmakers.

And last year he wanted children to pay for their own text books. “Schools teach students how to read and write. Too bad they don’t teach them personal responsibility by demanding they pay for their own text books too.”

Spiegle, speaking before Bristol Republicans at a luncheon Friday outlined the approach Bristol should take regarding education. “This is very simple. The problem with schools is the kids. If you get rid of the kids then you get rid of the problems.” Following his remarks he was greeted with chants of “No More Kids! No More Kids! No More Kids!”

Bristol to be Run Like a Business

January 9, 2017


The city council voted Tuesday to give themselves and the mayor a 2.8% raise beginning in 2018. Republican council members voted unanimously in favor of the raise with two Democrats opposed and one, Dave Preleski, absent for the vote. The Republicans said that the City of Bristol needs to be run more like the multi-million dollar company it is, with the mayor as CEO paid the top salary.

Following the session, the council went further, promising more changes to make the city of Bristol as well-run as any corporation. This means getting rid of the deadwood.

First on the agenda will be for residents to receive annual evaluations by the mayor and the city council. Residents are to be judged for their honesty, integrity, technical skills and ability to communicate with others. Elected officials on the other hand will be judged for their ability to breathe and order pizza.

Citizens receiving negative reviews will be asked to clean out their desks and houses and leave.

“Too many in this city are not carrying their weight,” announced Councilman Anthony D’Amato, “If citizens cannot meet minimum performance standards, we have to let them go.”

Some children already have been laid off. The Board of Education says they cannot afford to keep the kids on in class. “A few will be brought back in as we combine their classmate positions with those formerly held by my butler and maid,” said school superintendent Dr. Ellen Solek.

Hand arrange alphabet CEO of acronym Chief Executive Officer.

Democrat council member and lawyer Mary Fortier argued, “If the mayor is CEO, then he should be more qualified. Have an advanced education such as a degree in law; maybe have a husband who wrote a column for a local periodical. Perhaps even have a French-sounding last name.”

Councilman Preleski was absent from this report.

Shocker: Poll Finds Bristol Far Behind in Education

June 28, 2016

Poll 01

A recent survey of 15 children and 10 adults in downtown Bristol reveals a worrying deficiency in knowledge of important subjects like sports history. When asked “Who hit for the New York Yankees in 1927?”, most respondents did not know or answered, “Eli Manning.”

Survey results also showed that few people knew the ERA of the Red Sox pitching staff in the 1910s, who scored the winning goal for the New York Rangers in the ’94 Stanley Cup and who was the New York Knicks’ losingest coach.

Who scored the winning goal for the New York Rangers in the 1994 Stanley Cup Finals?

Who scored the winning goal for the New York Rangers in the 1994 Stanley Cup Finals?

Local knowledge of this year’s British FA Cup winner was even worse with 0% answers correct, leaving Bristol lagging far behind the 70% correct response obtained in a similar poll in London.

The survey was conducted by the Build a Better Bristol (BBB) coalition by phone and by aggressively accosting people on the street. The report concluded that sports knowledge was highest among adults aged 30-45 and 63 and children aged 25.

The worst scores were from toddlers aged 2-3. One even ran away to his mommy. Overall, Bristol ranked 25th among 26 cities and countries that met the standard 6 and 5 criteria. Scores were tabulated using math with an error of plus or minus 5 bosons.

Poll 03

The BBB reported poor scores in other subjects like social justice where less than 20% were aware of Kim Kardashian’s favorite color, and only 10% knew or had no opinion why Jennifer Aniston deserves a happy marriage this time.

No respondent got the hardest question — “How many children does Angelina Jolie have now?” More disappointing responses came in the category of zoo trivia. A majority fared the worst on “Which marsupial has the smallest ears?”, “Why did the chicken cross the road?” and “Which animal got the highest ratings on the Nature Channel?”

Lecturing from her gold-encrusted podium, the school superintendent had strong words for the mayor. “Today we have another example of how Bristol schools lag behind the rest of the world. Instead of wasting money on pet projects, I urge the mayor to waste it on education.”

The Fire Department, which was not implicated in this report, could not be reached for comment.

The Alger Hiss School of Forestville

May 31, 2016
Alger Hiss

Alger Hiss

While Board of Education officials consider closing two public schools, laying off teachers or gutting art and music programs to close a budget shortfall, one man is looking to open a private school in Forestville.

Dante Lore, an education reformer, wants to build the Alger Hiss School of Forestville for eligible students. He previously ran the Julius and Ethel Rosenberg School before it closed because it did not attract any pupils.

All school children in Forestville between the ages of six and sixteen that look like Mr. Hiss and aspire to be Mr. Hiss are encouraged to attend the school.

Alger Hiss was a U.S. State Department official, writer, lecturer and an agent for the Soviet Union until he was convicted for perjury but not espionage (sort of) in 1950.

The school will be an organic farming collective and students will learn about writing, red herrings and the invasion of the Ukraine.

Teachers losing their jobs at the closed schools are invited to submit applications. All applicants will be required to attend an informational and re-education camp though, according to sources.