Egads Snow! What are the Ramifications and is it the Charter Revision Commission’s Fault or the Plastic Ono Band?

March 7, 2018

The National Weather Service says a foot of snow is possible for Bristol/Forestville Wednesday. Consequently, a winter storm warning is in effect for most of Connecticut until Thursday.

Who Will be Blamed?
The Bristol Charter Revision Commission.

According to Bristol Republican Town Committee Chairman Jeff Caggiano, since the proposed changes to the commission many weeks ago, there has been a sharp rise in weather events. “For week’s we have watched storm after storm roll through Bristol and Forestville. Last week’s nor’easter, a foreboding storm for Wednesday and a storm most likely next week,” Mr. Caggiano noted. “How many more storms must we watch before people start connecting the dots? Collusion anyone?”

What are the Expectations?
Bristol Schools will be closed and parents will complain about the Board of Education on social media.

“In anticipation of the criticism, crisis teams will be available for angry parents,” remarked the Chairman of the Bristol Board of Education, Chris Wilson.

Forestville resident and crisis actor Alisha Strauss could not wait and took to Bristol Complains Friday night, and wailed about the impending snow, “Snow has been around for billions of years and you never heard about school closings. Now, school closings are the norm. First, they close the schools whenever it snows and then they try to take away guns whenever people are shot. My God when and where does it end?”

What are the Take Takeaways?
Snow sucks and everyone is miserable and likes to complain.

What are Regular People Saying?

While patiently waiting for the snow in his living room Wednesday morning, Omar Hassan told Boardman, “In the John Lennon Plastic Ono Band song God, Lennon wrote, ‘God is a concept by which we measure our pain’ and that he didn’t believe in Elvis, I Ching, the Kennedy’s and the Beatles to name a few. Well, I agree to an extent but I don’t believe in snow, parking bans or Boardman. I blame the Plastic Ono Band for school being canceled.”

What are the Beautiful People on Chippens Hill Saying

“Oh is it going to snow? I can’t even; you poor plebs. What time are you coming to take care of my driveway?

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FBI Announces Crackdown on Kickball Graft

February 26, 2018

– UN Hails It as Major Step Toward Middle East Peace
– FBI Launches Probe on UN Stealing Spotlight in Kickball Article
– UN Head: “Then We’ll Have A No-Confidence Vote on the FBI”
– These Stories Do Not Appear in Boardman Kickball Article

The FBI announced a 42-count indictment against fifth-grader Nicholas “Nick” Gufferson, a.k.a. SuperGuff42 on Xbox. Gufferson is charged with paying nursery school kids with star kickball potential to commit to Bristol’s Hubbell Elementary School.

The bubblegum-blowing Hubbell student was a fixture at kickball talent factories like Pluto’s Place and Carrier Learning Center. There he would make lavish promises to strong-footed students, such as full scholarships and free trips on the Hubble Telescope, which he claimed was so called because it was school property. The FBI indictment further details extravagant parties at Chuck E. Cheese’s and all-you-can-eat ice cream bars tended by Walt Disney characters bankrolled by Hubbell alumni and for no reason, George Soros.

In one case, Gufferson is recorded offering a recruit the fifty cents in his pocket and an hour on his Sony PlayStation 4 in exchange for badgering his parents about attending Hubbell.

“Everyone knew Gufferson’s recruiting turned Hubbell into a kickball powerhouse,” says West Bristol assistant gym teacher, Smiles DiGiorno. “Our teams were left with the crumbs that came out of A Place To Grow Too and Bristol Head Start. When you’d ask him how he did it, he’d call you a hurtful name and run away.”

In a second scheme, Gufferson allegedly received rare Pokemon cards from Crayola in exchange for steering pre-Ks who got gold stars in drawing to schools endorsed by the crayon maker. Crayola denied wrongdoing in a statement released in Brick Red and Forest Green on brown construction paper.

The FBI announcement comes in conjunction with the indictments of several college men’s basketball coaches. The probe is expected to leave many men’s programs in ruins except UConn, whose program is already in ruins.

While the state Interscholastic Athletic Conference expressed satisfaction with Gufferson’s arrest, others question whether kickball is a real sport and if it was worth the $74 million the FBI spent to investigate a fifth-grader.

“It is if it means one less crooked kickball agent in the halls,” said Joon H. Kim, Acting U.S. Attorney for the Southern District of New York and Rockwell Park.

Gufferson is currently being held in detention without restroom break in the principal’s office until the late bus.


Changes Coming to Thanksgiving Day Game

February 8, 2018

Now that football season is over with the completion of the Super Bowl, the office of the Athletic Director for the School District in collaboration with the Bristol Board of Education announced they are making significant changes to Bristol’s Thanksgiving Day game known as the Battle for the Bell next season. The changes are being made so the game is not just about football, but improving academics and standardized test scores as well.

Among the changes for the 2018 game are the following:

1) Players will have Roman Numerals on their Jerseys
Reason: According to the BOE, “There is no better way or time to introduce students to Latin.”

2) Metric System to be used as the Unit of Measurement
Reason: “Swimming and track and field use the metric system and those sports have international appeal so it is about time football did too. Using the metric system will make the game European,” officials said.

* Yards will be replaced with meters
* Players weight measured in kilograms and height in centimeters
* Statistics recorded in kilometers, meters and centimeters

* Offense and defense will only have ten players on the field at a time

3) Players Names Added to their Jerseys and in Cursive Script
Reason: “Common Core standards dictate cursive not be taught however; today’s students cannot write in cursive nor can they read cursive, but they will need to know how to read cursive on legal documents when they purchase a home, are sued or get divorced,” the BOE press release stated.

4) Spectators Tested at Halftime
Reason: No one listens to the bands intently so there will be a music appreciation test following the performances. Spectators must identify instruments, compositions and musical periods from the Baroque era through the jazz era before the game resumes.

5) Halftime Renamed Intermission
Reason: Bristol is in need of culture and refinement and doing so will give the game an air of sophistication.

Other changes include the following:

* Spectators wear attire that is not disruptive to the game
* Attendance taken prior to the coin flip
* One-third of American kids are overweight or obese so only fruit and vegetables will be served inside the stadium
* Packets of carrot sticks and humus are allowed, provided they are in a clear plastic bag
* 15 minutes allotted to eat

To this end, the Board of Education updated the student handbook to reflect these new policies.


Schools Closed Today Parents Still Outraged

January 17, 2018

Bristol and Forestville schools are closed today due to a winter storm that is expected to drop 4-7 inches of snow.

The Board of Education made the decision to cancel school Tuesday evening. However, for some parents that was too late. “They knew ten days ago about this storm so they should have canceled then,” said one mother named Marla Walley, who asked not to be identified. “Waiting until the night before the storm is ridiculous! It could have and should have been done last week.”

Parents also complained that the accumulations are not expected to be substantial and blamed the BOE. “Four to seven inches is a waste of everybody’s time. If the Board of Ed wants the day off then they should have a real snowstorm. The Board of Education can’t get anything right,” remarked Rosa Martinez, a parent.

Others were livid with the Public Works Department because their road was not the first to be plowed. “This is ridiculous. I live on a fault line so my street should be plowed first,” remarked Mark Hannah. “If there is an earthquake during the storm how will first responders help me if my road is not plowed?”

Forestville resident Omar Hassan saw it differently. “I live on a very important secondary road so it should be plowed well before everyone else. No it is not near the hospital and no it is not a state road, but it is an essential neighborhood road that is used as a cut through.”

In a related story. Bristol Talks is complaining again…….


Local Bookie Taking Bets on Conspiracy Theories Regarding False Missile Warning in Hawaii

January 13, 2018

Hawaii was subject to a state wide alert warning of an incoming ballistic missile this morning. It was later determined to be a false alarm due to human error.

However Smitty, Forestville’s resident bookie, quickly established a betting line to determine, How Long Will it Take for a Conspiracy Theory to be Generated about the False Alert?

Less than 24 hours is the favorite at -165. Meaning a bet of $165 will net $100.

24-48 hours, 48-72 hours or whenever Alex Jones gains access to a television studio are being offered too.

Wagers can also place bets on, Who Will be Blamed?

Smitty established The Deep State with the best chance because they are a favorite foil amongst the Alt-Right community.

Others with a betting line include President Obama and Hillary Clinton. Hillary Clinton, a frequent target for conspiracy theorists, has been accused of murder, using body doubles and shaky financial dealings just to name a few to keep the word count for this article under 250.

Longshots on a local level are the current occupant of Bristol mayor’s office, and the Bristol Board of Education.

Another side bet is, Who Will Peddle the First Conspiracy Theory?

Alex Jones, host of InfoWars, a noted conspiracy theorist who promoted 9/11 was an inside job, mass shootings are false flag operations, Obama is the head of Al-Qaeda and the government is using juice boxes to make children gay, is the favorite coming out of the clubhouse followed by Fox News host Sean Hannity and Trump.


A Look Back at 2017

December 27, 2017

2017 had its fair share of stories and headlines to captivate the residents of Bristol and Forestville. Here is a look back at just a few of the stories that made headlines.

Drought Ends

The drought of 2016 came to an end in 2017. The then mayor officially declared the drought over with a ribbon cutting ceremony, and told drought protestors to shut up and go home.

Drought protestors said they would not leave because the Bristol Reservoirs were not 98% full, they were 2% empty.

Bristol Used New Defense Laser to Eliminate Blight and Critics

In March, Lockheed Martin announced they developed a 60 kilowatt-class laser that the government could use to thwart threats.

Consequently, in an effort to eliminate threats such as blight and critics, the mayor asked the army to fire the laser at both. The Office of the Mayor within days announced, “The U.S. Army, at the behest of the City of Bristol, used a Stryker armored vehicle with a laser weapon and ‘burn-through’ capabilities, eradicated both blight and critics thus removing these stains from Bristol.”

Super Fight II Ellen Vs Ken

Super Fight II, as it is dubbed for the purposes of this article so the boxing playbill created during the election and edited out of a piece can finally be used, did not live up to the hype as Ellen vanquished Mayor Ken handily by winning every precinct. However, the campaign was spirited, entertaining and added to their lore.

Ellen Zoppo-Sassu’s win was historic and inspirational as she became the first hyphenated mayor in Bristol’s history. Her victory carved a path for Councilwoman Mary Fortier to become Bristol’s first acting female mayor.

Mrs. Fortier was subsequently lauded with accolades from all over the state; her photo appeared on the front page of most state newspapers and she made numerous television appearances too. Oh, wait, that was Ellen not Mary. Never mind.

Man Who Crossed Street Without a Crossing Signal Censured by City Council

Forestville resident Limping Larry, without using a crosswalk or a crossing signal to guide him, successfully crossed Pine Street on a Tuesday in mid July and was not injured or harmed, according to police.

However, the City Council, after the incident became public knowledge, censured Larry for taking such a risky walk.

Councilor Dave Preleski opined in a blistering editorial, “How did Limping Larry cross that street? Who colluded with him? Did he have help? If so, who and why? That is not an easy road to cross especially if you have limp even if it is fake like Larry’s.”

Limping Larry subsequently apologized to the Traffic Division and the City Council for crossing the street without waiting for the signal.

The collusion allegation remains under investigation and will be for the foreseeable future.

Forestville Man Opened an Escort Business

The midlife crisis of Forestville resident Bob Knepper continued.

Mr. Knepper opened an escort business in the red-light district of Forestville called Intimate Encounters. “I know prostitution is illegal but that doesn’t mean you can’t do it,” Mr. Knepper said.

Critics charged he was disrespecting and debasing women. In response Mr. Knepper remarked, “How am I being disrespectful and debasing women? We have a good dental plan and I even offered my wife a job on the weekends. You know this political correctness thing has gone too far.”

Help Us Reach Out Goal (BOE Deficit)

In August the Board of Education announced they had a 2.4 million dollar deficit.

Consequently, the BOE had a pledge drive to raise funds for the school year. The event was called “Whoops We Need 2 Million Dollars Pronto Won’t You Please Help.”

The deficit resulted in an escalation of everyone’s favorite social media activities: finger pointing and character assassination.

Closing Thoughts

There are no closing thoughts. This sentence was written to merely extend the article by another sentence. So was this one. And this one too.

Okay, I am done. This is my last sentence.


Mayor Goes on Resignation Crusade!

September 20, 2017

Due to the Board of Education’s 2-million-dollar shortfall, the mayor took to social media recently and asked for two of its elected volunteers to resign. Many residents were shocked while his loyal and rabid supporters stood by his statement. However, Boardman has learned that the mayor’s resignation demand is not limited to merely the Board of Education.

Last Saturday during a baseball game at Forestville Little League, with a runner on first in the last inning and his team down by a run, Manager Ed Oates did not ask his batter to bunt. Instead the batter swung away and he hit into a double play.

The mayor, who was in attendance, was incensed by the strategy. Following the ballgame, he again took to social media and condemned the coaches and asked that they too resign. “How do you not bunt in that situation?” he asked pointedly. “I don’t know why they did not bunt they’re, their…then…but they should do everyone a favor and quit.”

His minions, who were not at the game nor familiar with the batter or his skill set or the managers thinking, were quick to pile on to impress the supreme leader. Patriot50 fired the first salvo, “I have tapes of this guy coaching games and I will send them to America’s Funniest Home Videos!” she angrily wrote.

Mimi Pipkens was up next and fired at will. “I heard when Moses came down from Mount Sinai he left several commandments behind and one of them was ‘Thou Shall Not Let Ed Oates be a Volunteer or Manage a Baseball Team.’”

Latham Eikel was more direct and snarled, “For not bunting Ed Oates should be hung and dragged through the streets of Forestville like Mussolini.”

The mayor was not done.

Julius Denforth is the Den Leader for Cub Scout Troop 314, which meets at Greene Hills School Monday nights between 7:30 and 9:00 P.M. Upon hearing that Troop 314 meets Monday nights, the mayor took to social media to denounce Julius and demand his resignation. “Who schedules a meeting during Monday night Football? This guy needs to reszin, reszi,…I mean quit.”

The mayor then went on to provide a list of volunteers that he feels must leave because he said so: Volunteer Fire Departments, Hurricane Irma relief volunteers, Habitat for the Humanities, Red Cross, ARF and the lemonade stand on Academy Street because “the lemonade don’t taste twoto..too…no good.”