Boardman Cracks Cruller Theft Ring

July 23, 2017

A week-long investigation into missing crullers from Mr. Boardman’s secret break room stash ended loudly on Friday. The suspect was identified as Terry Terrison, an intern from the Connecticut School of Broadcasting.

The investigation began shortly after ten a.m. when president Alan Boardman arrived in the break room for a snack. Upon discovery of a missing cruller, a hidden camera was ordered installed in the break room. Wearing a hidden microphone, a Boardman employee went undercover posing as a Boardman employee. He pretended to eat lunch for the next three hours, which is allowed under union rules. During this time, he observed Terrison enter and take another illicit cruller. The rest of the time, he sat and watched reruns of “Two and a Half Men” on his iPhone.

Terrison was further incriminated by fingerprints found on the pastry-smeared knob of the break room door. Terrison’s DNA also matched DNA found on a pastry-smeared napkin in the trash can.

Spyware planted on Terrison’s computer uncovered posts on social media in which he openly bragged about taking the crullers. Interception of his phone calls to family, friends and the Russian consulate shed no further light, but Special Counsel Robert Mueller now wants to speak to him. A search of Terrison’s apartment only revealed that he has not thrown out old underwear and likes women with big hair. When his dog was kidnapped and interrogated, the dog would not talk – even for a Lick-O-Chop. His bird would only say how pretty she was.

A full body cavity search of Terrison also provided no further evidence, as did taking a road trip to Springfield in Terrison’s Camaro yelling “Ya-hoo!”

As Terrison recovered from the cavity search, he was finally confronted about the theft by a Boardman compliance employee, a disappointed and tearful Jewish mother and a North Korean prison official. When Officer Sae-Un presented the evidence which included a recovered sample of Terrison’s stool that tested positive for cruller, Terrison broke down in tears and confessed. Terrison was released on his own recognizance, whereupon he ran away screaming.

A Boardman spokesman told Boardman, “We take company theft very seriously. Terrison should have known better after what happened to Al Skivvers.”

Skivvers was an accountant at Boardman until his superior, Wei-Bo Chen, discovered he had taken three pencils and half an eraser home. Skivvers now works in a labor camp in western China.

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April 20, 2017

BOARDMAN INVESTIGATES
New Medical Office Building Building In Bristol?

Rumors spread this week about the City of Bristol permitting a company to erect a medical office building in town.  Boardman sent its investigative team to determine if the rumors are true.

They are true.

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April 17, 2017

Probing The Rise Of Religious-Related Vice In Bristol

Residents of Davis Drive are complaining about an increasing number of streetwalkers in the neighborhood. The streetwalkers, dressed in white shirt, tie and slacks and carrying Bibles, hang on the corner, waiting to be picked up. Johns who do, drive them to shady alleyways where the streetwalkers then perform religious acts on them, like baptisms, exorcisms or recitations of Bible verses.

One local, Jimmy “Two-Dollar Bill” Samson complained how this activity is causing the whole neighborhood to go uphill. “Ten last night, I was doing a drug deal when I hear folks outside in a parked car praising Jesus. Tell me how can I get deals done with that racket?”

A Tale Of Heartbreak And Betrayal
Most johns prefer anonymous sacraments, fearing others will find out they believe in God. Vice squad policeman Martin Martinmartin recounted, “The other day we picked up an ACLU board member for solicitation of a preacher. When even atheists are paying for spiritual relief in the middle of the night, you know the problem is out of control.”

One distraught spouse would not speak to us on the record. So we used a hidden microphone.

“Ken (what she called her husband thinking no one would know his real name, Nick Fisher) called to say he had to work late. Then go see a prostitute. But I find out instead he took part in a Bible study orgy.” She teared up. “He told me last month the ash on his forehead came from a fight with a 19th-Century chimney sweep! How could I have been so blind?”

Many Streetwalkers Come
Many streetwalkers come from the Midwest, hoping to make it big in Bristol. Instead, they end up selling their religious services and sermons to survive. Some even lose their addiction to drugs.

“We recently busted a reverend who pimped street preachers out,” Officer Martinmartin said. “In return, he got a cut of the offerings to buy a fancy statue for his church. Disgusting!”

Boardman Accompanied The
Boardman accompanied the officer during a raid on an area strip club where more than bare flesh was on the menu. After Boardman paid for a few lap dances, the police arrested three women for proselytization, which carries a minimum sentence of three Hail Marys and one Our Father.

What
What is next for the city?

Martinmartin summed up their efforts. “In the past year, we shut down two seedy flophouses of prayer. We need to send a clear message that God has no place on the streets of Bristol.”

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– World’s Second Oldest Person Cheers Death Of World’s Oldest Person: “Now Who’s Number One?”