Probing The Rise Of Religious-Related Vice In Bristol
Residents of Davis Drive are complaining about an increasing number of streetwalkers in the neighborhood. The streetwalkers, dressed in white shirt, tie and slacks and carrying Bibles, hang on the corner, waiting to be picked up. Johns who do, drive them to shady alleyways where the streetwalkers then perform religious acts on them, like baptisms, exorcisms or recitations of Bible verses.
One local, Jimmy “Two-Dollar Bill” Samson complained how this activity is causing the whole neighborhood to go uphill. “Ten last night, I was doing a drug deal when I hear folks outside in a parked car praising Jesus. Tell me how can I get deals done with that racket?”
A Tale Of Heartbreak And Betrayal
Most johns prefer anonymous sacraments, fearing others will find out they believe in God. Vice squad policeman Martin Martinmartin recounted, “The other day we picked up an ACLU board member for solicitation of a preacher. When even atheists are paying for spiritual relief in the middle of the night, you know the problem is out of control.”
One distraught spouse would not speak to us on the record. So we used a hidden microphone.
“Ken (what she called her husband thinking no one would know his real name, Nick Fisher) called to say he had to work late. Then go see a prostitute. But I find out instead he took part in a Bible study orgy.” She teared up. “He told me last month the ash on his forehead came from a fight with a 19th-Century chimney sweep! How could I have been so blind?”
Many Streetwalkers Come
Many streetwalkers come from the Midwest, hoping to make it big in Bristol. Instead, they end up selling their religious services and sermons to survive. Some even lose their addiction to drugs.
“We recently busted a reverend who pimped street preachers out,” Officer Martinmartin said. “In return, he got a cut of the offerings to buy a fancy statue for his church. Disgusting!”
Boardman Accompanied The
Boardman accompanied the officer during a raid on an area strip club where more than bare flesh was on the menu. After Boardman paid for a few lap dances, the police arrested three women for proselytization, which carries a minimum sentence of three Hail Marys and one Our Father.
What is next for the city?
Martinmartin summed up their efforts. “In the past year, we shut down two seedy flophouses of prayer. We need to send a clear message that God has no place on the streets of Bristol.”
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