Preview of the 2018 Pequabuck River Duck Race

May 5, 2018

Sunday, 5,000 plastic ducks will be haphazardly dumped into the Pequabuck River with a race to the finish line. The ducks are numbered with winning ticket holders taking home prizes.

The Skinny and let’s get down to the nut cracking

Event: 2018 Pequabuck River Duck Race.

Distance of the race: Unknown because no one has bothered to measure.

Where: Pequabuck River, a 19-mile river with lots of water that winds its way through Forestville.

Who’s Hot/ Who’s Not

HOT
Duck Number 12: The plastic duck had a strong showing in qualifying, finishing second at the Coppermine Brook Time Trials.

NOT
Duck Number 3162: The best thing that could happen to this duck is for it to be scuttled or lost during the race. Many believe the duck is jinxed having never finishing better than four thousandth.

Other stuff

Race day starts at 10 a.m. with the ceremonial blessing of the ducks.

The race is hosted by Bristol Chamber of Commerce and is sponsored by Hoover Vacuums, vacuums that really suck.

The proceeds raised benefit something and are used to clean stuff around the village.

Little Known Race Facts:

• To increase interest this year the race will be a relay.

• Ticket holders of the winning ducks will receive the usual bevy of prizes, but other prizes include coupons to Intimate Encounters a Forestville escort service; a Fast Pass to the Emergency Room of Bristol Hospital and a Get out of Jail Free Card courtesy of the Bristol PD.

• According to race promoters more than 70% of the fans that attend go to see if someone will fall or will be pushed into the river.

• The 2010 Pequabuck River Duck Race was called off shortly after it started due to a misunderstanding with confused duck hunters. Authorities say the Bristol Duck Hunting Club mistakenly opened fire on the plastic ducks thinking they were real. The hunters have not been charged and the matter is still being investigated eight years later.

• Race mascot Waddles the Duck will not be in attendance this year because he was slaughtered and turned into foie gras.

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Vacant Lost Fest 2018

April 24, 2018

Life-long Forestville resident Bob Knepper will be the featured guest at the 2018 Vacant Lot Fest in Forestville, which is taking place Saturday July 7th at 6PM, Forestville time.

This annual event features a private meet and greet with vacant lot land owners and includes an autograph session and a photo session too.

In addition to owning vacant lots in Forestville, Mr. Kneeper also owns vacant and abandoned properties throughout the region including memorable ones in New Britain, Plantsville, Meriden and Turner Falls Massachusetts.

Knepper began letting his properties go in the 1990s because he is lazy and stopped caring. The properties feature a wide swath of neglect and debris from garbage to general overgrowth. The motivation for abandoning his properties varies from property to property.

Empty lot historian Alex Chipley will once again lead fans on a trolley tour of the vacant lots and conduct a trivia contest too. Winners will not receive any prizes just the knowledge that they won.

During the 31-minute tour fans will learn about Forestville’s rich history of vacant lots, and what the future holds for vacant lots.

There is no charge to go on the trolley but it costs 12 bucks to get off the trolley.

This event is sponsored by the Forestville Historical Society and Intimate Encounters, a popular Forestville escort service owned by Mr. Knepper.

Vacant Lot Trolley Tour

* Trolley tour leaves every 30 minutes beginning at 6PM
* The last trolley leaves at 6PM
* Adults: NO charge to get on 12 bucks to get off
* Children (5 – 12): $8.00 to get on $0 to get off
* Children younger than 5 ride free but they are not allowed to speak or talk


Bob Knepper Divorce from Work Wife Getting Ugly

April 9, 2018

Last week Bob Knepper announced he is divorcing his work wife Stephanie Rogers of three years.

The pair work at the Forestville consulting firm of Landry, Issel and Escalanté.

Initially it appeared the co-workers were comfortable with their workplace uncoupling as relations were amicable, but late last week the relationship went completely south.

A work associate, who wished to remain anonymous but is named Hal Gurney, told Boardman confidentially, “Knepper claims his ex-work wife divulged personal details about him in a conspiracy to embarrass him.” Gurney added, “Bob thinks Stephanie is telling everyone that he arrives late every day but makes up for it by leaving early. He also said that she said he routinely gets drunk at office parties and falls asleep on the job. BFD everyone knew that already.”

Mr. Kneeper has certainly experienced his fair share of office faux pas lately. Last week he microwaved fish, which is a cardinal sin in any office, and in successive days he purposively burned popcorn and sauerkraut.

Meanwhile, for her part, Ms. Rogers has openly been getting coffee with another male employee during afternoon breaks, and not wearing headphones will listening to her music.

In response, Mr. Knepper is seeking primary physical custody of the small refrigerator he shared with Ms. Rogers.

Ms. Rogers has asked their supervisor to move Knepper’s cubicle.

Employees admit they are really enjoying the drama because it makes for great office gossip.


Bob Kneeper Seeks Divorce from Work Wife

March 29, 2018

Employees at the Forestville consulting firm Landry, Issel and Escalanté were surprised to learn that Bob Kneeper and his work wife Stephanie Rogers are calling it quits after three years together. The work spouses are citing irreconcilable differences.

According to sources, Knepper broke of the relationship last Friday. “She was constantly reminding him to clean his desk and put staples in his stapler. He felt like he was at home with his real wife,” a source told Boardman Wednesday.

The work colleagues were cube-mates and shared a pencil sharpener and a small refrigerator. They often bitched to each other about co-workers and personal matters while regularly buying coffee together during their afternoon break.

The relationship showed signs of being in peril last quarter when Stephanie’s position began to rise within the company. Mr. Knepper responded by going outside their circle for support and coffee.

Mr. Knepper is seeking full custody of the black compact refrigerator. However, many within the office see this as a spiteful move.

This marks Mr. Kneeper’s third work spouse divorce while this is Ms. Rogers first.


Forestville Man Gets in Touch With His/Her/Its/?/Zis Gender

February 25, 2018

Thanks to his wife, it’s no secret that Bob Knepper has been going through a prolonged midlife crisis. Recently, Mr. Knepper realized that the confusion he has been feeling lately is due to the fact that while he is a resident of Forestville, he identifies as a Quechuan llama herder from Peru.

However, this did not solve his problems. One day while loading firewood on his German shepherd whom he refers to as a llama, he wondered if he was missing something more. So last Tuesday, Mr. Knepper attended a seminar explaining New York City’s official list of 31 different genders and beyond. These include “verangender” where a person’s gender changes once someone identifies it and “velocigender,” where one’s gender changes so fast, they never know what it is at any moment.

After speaking with a gender counselor, Mr. Knepper realized he represents a 32nd gender, breaking a tie with Baskin-Robbins. His gender was identified as “female cross-heteronormative plant,” meaning Knepper is a leafy muliebral dioecious tree or shrub who is trapped in a man’s body.

Mr. Knepper feels that at last he understands why he is drawn to the outdoors and has an affinity for pollen.

His wife is less pleased. After he tried to be amorous to her on a pile of potting soil, she banned him from the bedroom and made him sleep on a couch in the woods behind their house.

“If he’s a tree, then he shouldn’t need any loving from me,” she was quoted as saying.


A Look Back at 2017

December 27, 2017

2017 had its fair share of stories and headlines to captivate the residents of Bristol and Forestville. Here is a look back at just a few of the stories that made headlines.

Drought Ends

The drought of 2016 came to an end in 2017. The then mayor officially declared the drought over with a ribbon cutting ceremony, and told drought protestors to shut up and go home.

Drought protestors said they would not leave because the Bristol Reservoirs were not 98% full, they were 2% empty.

Bristol Used New Defense Laser to Eliminate Blight and Critics

In March, Lockheed Martin announced they developed a 60 kilowatt-class laser that the government could use to thwart threats.

Consequently, in an effort to eliminate threats such as blight and critics, the mayor asked the army to fire the laser at both. The Office of the Mayor within days announced, “The U.S. Army, at the behest of the City of Bristol, used a Stryker armored vehicle with a laser weapon and ‘burn-through’ capabilities, eradicated both blight and critics thus removing these stains from Bristol.”

Super Fight II Ellen Vs Ken

Super Fight II, as it is dubbed for the purposes of this article so the boxing playbill created during the election and edited out of a piece can finally be used, did not live up to the hype as Ellen vanquished Mayor Ken handily by winning every precinct. However, the campaign was spirited, entertaining and added to their lore.

Ellen Zoppo-Sassu’s win was historic and inspirational as she became the first hyphenated mayor in Bristol’s history. Her victory carved a path for Councilwoman Mary Fortier to become Bristol’s first acting female mayor.

Mrs. Fortier was subsequently lauded with accolades from all over the state; her photo appeared on the front page of most state newspapers and she made numerous television appearances too. Oh, wait, that was Ellen not Mary. Never mind.

Man Who Crossed Street Without a Crossing Signal Censured by City Council

Forestville resident Limping Larry, without using a crosswalk or a crossing signal to guide him, successfully crossed Pine Street on a Tuesday in mid July and was not injured or harmed, according to police.

However, the City Council, after the incident became public knowledge, censured Larry for taking such a risky walk.

Councilor Dave Preleski opined in a blistering editorial, “How did Limping Larry cross that street? Who colluded with him? Did he have help? If so, who and why? That is not an easy road to cross especially if you have limp even if it is fake like Larry’s.”

Limping Larry subsequently apologized to the Traffic Division and the City Council for crossing the street without waiting for the signal.

The collusion allegation remains under investigation and will be for the foreseeable future.

Forestville Man Opened an Escort Business

The midlife crisis of Forestville resident Bob Knepper continued.

Mr. Knepper opened an escort business in the red-light district of Forestville called Intimate Encounters. “I know prostitution is illegal but that doesn’t mean you can’t do it,” Mr. Knepper said.

Critics charged he was disrespecting and debasing women. In response Mr. Knepper remarked, “How am I being disrespectful and debasing women? We have a good dental plan and I even offered my wife a job on the weekends. You know this political correctness thing has gone too far.”

Help Us Reach Out Goal (BOE Deficit)

In August the Board of Education announced they had a 2.4 million dollar deficit.

Consequently, the BOE had a pledge drive to raise funds for the school year. The event was called “Whoops We Need 2 Million Dollars Pronto Won’t You Please Help.”

The deficit resulted in an escalation of everyone’s favorite social media activities: finger pointing and character assassination.

Closing Thoughts

There are no closing thoughts. This sentence was written to merely extend the article by another sentence. So was this one. And this one too.

Okay, I am done. This is my last sentence.


Forestville Escort Service Receives Local Honor

February 1, 2017

bronze-star-award

Intimate Encounters, a popular Forestville escort service, were recently presented by the Forestville Chamber of Commerce with the prestigious Bronze Star Award, recognizing their record-breaking sales achievement for the fourth quarter of 2016.

They were also recognized with an annual Sales Growth Award, for being one of the top 10 businesses in the village over the last calendar year too.

Intimate Encounters is an elite full-service escort business providing discreet private hookups, companionship, body rubs, private dances and other forms of adult companionship from high class upscale women and men upon request.

The popular escort business operates in the red light district of the village with standard industry rates being applied for their services, depending on the request.

The Forestville Chamber of Commerce said Intimate Encounters were selected from a vast selection of businesses in the community including a hot dog cart, bank, car wash and Hell Hole: The Dungeon of Mistress V, Forestville’s resident dominatrix.

intimate-encounters-03

The escort business received high marks for their strategic planning, employee development, community involvement, and customer service.

Intimate Encounters is owned by Forestville resident Bob Knepper who started the company due to his mid-life crisis.