A Look Back at 2017

December 27, 2017

2017 had its fair share of stories and headlines to captivate the residents of Bristol and Forestville. Here is a look back at just a few of the stories that made headlines.

Drought Ends

The drought of 2016 came to an end in 2017. The then mayor officially declared the drought over with a ribbon cutting ceremony, and told drought protestors to shut up and go home.

Drought protestors said they would not leave because the Bristol Reservoirs were not 98% full, they were 2% empty.

Bristol Used New Defense Laser to Eliminate Blight and Critics

In March, Lockheed Martin announced they developed a 60 kilowatt-class laser that the government could use to thwart threats.

Consequently, in an effort to eliminate threats such as blight and critics, the mayor asked the army to fire the laser at both. The Office of the Mayor within days announced, “The U.S. Army, at the behest of the City of Bristol, used a Stryker armored vehicle with a laser weapon and ‘burn-through’ capabilities, eradicated both blight and critics thus removing these stains from Bristol.”

Super Fight II Ellen Vs Ken

Super Fight II, as it is dubbed for the purposes of this article so the boxing playbill created during the election and edited out of a piece can finally be used, did not live up to the hype as Ellen vanquished Mayor Ken handily by winning every precinct. However, the campaign was spirited, entertaining and added to their lore.

Ellen Zoppo-Sassu’s win was historic and inspirational as she became the first hyphenated mayor in Bristol’s history. Her victory carved a path for Councilwoman Mary Fortier to become Bristol’s first acting female mayor.

Mrs. Fortier was subsequently lauded with accolades from all over the state; her photo appeared on the front page of most state newspapers and she made numerous television appearances too. Oh, wait, that was Ellen not Mary. Never mind.

Man Who Crossed Street Without a Crossing Signal Censured by City Council

Forestville resident Limping Larry, without using a crosswalk or a crossing signal to guide him, successfully crossed Pine Street on a Tuesday in mid July and was not injured or harmed, according to police.

However, the City Council, after the incident became public knowledge, censured Larry for taking such a risky walk.

Councilor Dave Preleski opined in a blistering editorial, “How did Limping Larry cross that street? Who colluded with him? Did he have help? If so, who and why? That is not an easy road to cross especially if you have limp even if it is fake like Larry’s.”

Limping Larry subsequently apologized to the Traffic Division and the City Council for crossing the street without waiting for the signal.

The collusion allegation remains under investigation and will be for the foreseeable future.

Forestville Man Opened an Escort Business

The midlife crisis of Forestville resident Bob Knepper continued.

Mr. Knepper opened an escort business in the red-light district of Forestville called Intimate Encounters. “I know prostitution is illegal but that doesn’t mean you can’t do it,” Mr. Knepper said.

Critics charged he was disrespecting and debasing women. In response Mr. Knepper remarked, “How am I being disrespectful and debasing women? We have a good dental plan and I even offered my wife a job on the weekends. You know this political correctness thing has gone too far.”

Help Us Reach Out Goal (BOE Deficit)

In August the Board of Education announced they had a 2.4 million dollar deficit.

Consequently, the BOE had a pledge drive to raise funds for the school year. The event was called “Whoops We Need 2 Million Dollars Pronto Won’t You Please Help.”

The deficit resulted in an escalation of everyone’s favorite social media activities: finger pointing and character assassination.

Closing Thoughts

There are no closing thoughts. This sentence was written to merely extend the article by another sentence. So was this one. And this one too.

Okay, I am done. This is my last sentence.

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Forestville Escort Service Receives Local Honor

February 1, 2017

bronze-star-award

Intimate Encounters, a popular Forestville escort service, were recently presented by the Forestville Chamber of Commerce with the prestigious Bronze Star Award, recognizing their record-breaking sales achievement for the fourth quarter of 2016.

They were also recognized with an annual Sales Growth Award, for being one of the top 10 businesses in the village over the last calendar year too.

Intimate Encounters is an elite full-service escort business providing discreet private hookups, companionship, body rubs, private dances and other forms of adult companionship from high class upscale women and men upon request.

The popular escort business operates in the red light district of the village with standard industry rates being applied for their services, depending on the request.

The Forestville Chamber of Commerce said Intimate Encounters were selected from a vast selection of businesses in the community including a hot dog cart, bank, car wash and Hell Hole: The Dungeon of Mistress V, Forestville’s resident dominatrix.

intimate-encounters-03

The escort business received high marks for their strategic planning, employee development, community involvement, and customer service.

Intimate Encounters is owned by Forestville resident Bob Knepper who started the company due to his mid-life crisis.


Oxford Dictionary Unleashes New Word on Helpless Readers

November 19, 2016

oxford-english-dictionary

An unsuspecting world of literature was viciously assaulted when Oxford English Dictionary (OED) launched its “Word of the Year” from silos in Great Britain.

The word, “post-truth,” which is used by five people on TV, led this latest attack on readers. For many straining under the 171,000 entries already in the language, this was the word that pushed them over the edge. English teachers report emergency rooms at liberal arts colleges are overflowing, with up to three patients per desk.

One woman suffering from word-shock spoke to Boardman. “I tried to say my friend speaks haltingly, but I didn’t know whether to use the word ‘stutter’ or ‘stammer’ or ‘sputter’…? I looked them up, but there’s no difference between their meanings. So I hesitated — but did I hesitate, pause or balk or stumble, waver, dither, delay, dillydally, fumble, flounder, linger…? — They all mean the same thing and more synonyms keep being made! Why, God, won’t they stop, halt, cease, end, terminate, finish, quit, desist…?”

Spanish, long considered a safe haven for those fleeing persecution by complex languages, has seen a flood of English-speaking refugees in its classrooms since the stepped-up campaigns of verbal barrage by the OED and the online Urban Dictionary.

Poet Malcolm Frunge has a different problem with OED. “All these smarty pants adding new words to the dictionary,” he says, “yet they still can’t be bothered to add one that rhymes with ‘orange.'”

“These dictionarie (sic) folk have no care for the commoner,” writes local literatus Jon Smyth who thinks he’s British even though he comes from London and has sworn off dictionaries. “Cusum, aggrupation, flerovium… Who uses such words? The blighters even made a picture of an emoji Word of the Yeer (sic) back in aught-15. How can a picture be a word? It’s a bleeding picture! What’ll it be next? Will I be a word too or my auto? We need the bloody Human Rights Commission. Its (sic) a freegin’ war crime, all right. Someone has to stop them before they enslave us all.”

Experts fear it is too late. Oxford is developing new, more fearsome forms of linguistic assault. Rumored to be in the works is an interjection referring to the publisher’s dog, a preposition whose definition depends on what shoes Selena Gomez wears, and a transitive verb that fetuses use in the womb which requires the use of two auxiliary verbs and a direct object that does not normally occur in Nature. Worst of all are their plans for a noun so incredibly difficult to spell and pronounce, leaders at the headquarters of the OED Reichstag boast it will cause the immediate surrender of thousands of brave fighters writing on the literary front.

Several other words were unleashed. Here they are and how to use them:

Bracketology — The study of beer-based drinks used for betting on college sports.

Necrogermanopawnphobia — Fear that a dead German will make you play a game of chess with him.

Post-Bob Knepper — First coined by the wife of Forestville resident Bob Knepper.
How to use it: “My life is going great now — I’m completely post-Bob Knepper.”

Alt-Chicken Soup — Soup that you make after you run out of chicken soup, but that you still tell your family is chicken soup to not disappoint them.

Alt-Steak — Tofu. OED has said no one is going for this term and they may withdraw it soon.

Fishswinger — A loanword from the tiny Greek island of Hermes where fishermen swing their catch around their heads to threaten pirates. It is used to mean someone who prepares taxes. It replaces the now-outdated word, “accountant,” which now means someone who threatens pirates with a fish.
How to use it: “I cast my taxes at a fishswinger by the bank maggots to scale off a few river pigeons.”

Mayor-Cockayne — A term that refers to the current mayor of Bristol.
How to use it: “The mayor of Bristol is Mayor-Cockayne.”
How to use it incorrectly: “The chairman of the Bristol Zoning Commission is Mayor-Cockayne.”


Bob Knepper Midlife Crisis Continues, Requests Three Way with Wife and Her Friend(s)

February 6, 2016
Mr. Knepper, Mrs. Knepper and ?

Mrs. Knepper, Mr. Knepper and ?

The midlife crisis of Bob Knepper continues.

Last week he proposed to his wife that they engage in a threesome. This latest sexual request comes on the heels of the orgy he organized two months ago, which Mrs. Knepper did not participate and ultimately did not occur.

https://alanboardman.wordpress.com/2015/11/17/forestville-man-plans-orgy-for-saturday-night/

Mr. Knepper drew up a “short list” of potential candidates from his wife’s circle of friends and co-workers, which stimulated his imagination and tickled his fancy. He was particularly interested in Lisa but made it known that Charlotte would do because it is his belief that she has a wild side.

Mrs. Knepper has ignored her husband’s request so far and had no comment about this story.


Community Calendar

November 20, 2015
Community Calendar

Community Calendar

Things to do in Forestville this weekend:

* Friday
Four Horseman of the Apocalypse visit Forestville to see an old friend.

* Saturday
Renaissance Appreciation Day 1PM-1:15PM former center mall site. Reminisce and take pictures. Plenty of parking available.

* Saturday
The Bob Knepper Roman Orgy begins at 7PM. Complimentary Pigs in a Blanket, Swedish meatballs and a meat platter from Nuchie’s for attendees.

* Sunday
Forestville Ice Harvest Festival. The Forestville Tourism Association hosts the Forestville Ice Harvest in Central Square from 3 am to 5 am. Bring your own water and have it frozen by professionals!


Forestville Man Plans Orgy for Saturday Night

November 17, 2015

Caligula Poster Unrated

Bob Knepper is looking forward to the Roman themed orgy he has planned for this Saturday night in his modest Forestville home. However, preparing for the orgy is proving more difficult than he anticipated.

“I have done everything I can to ensure the fulfillment of coital happiness. Futons for the petting station, soft pillows and clean linens in the bedrooms, complementary lubricants and prophylactics, music, props and a meat platter from Nuchi’s. But the 800 pound gorilla in the room is what if the chicks don’t show up, man? Then what? Are we still doing it?”, he wondered.

Also occupying Mr. Knepper’s mind as the date approaches is the guest list, “Did I cross the line when I invited my wife’s younger sister? We are family after all. She has yet to RSVP though so I don’t know.”

Mr. Knepper believes his wife is not attending or participating in the orgy because she has yet to RSVP either. “Must be a sister thing,” he said.

Mrs. Knepper declined to comment about this story.


Local Garage Bands Play Gig

November 12, 2015
Severed Head Live!

Severed Head Live!

Local garage band Severed Head will be performing at a keg party this Saturday night at the home of Bob Knepper with special guests Test Tube Babies (TTB) and Gun Nut Crazy. Mr. Knepper said there will be plenty of ice cold beer and below average food. The cover charge is $5.00 but it is $6.00 to leave.

Test Tube Babies (TTB), a punk cover band featuring local music legend Damien “The Omen” Jones, will get things going at 5PM if they can get their instruments tuned.

Gun Nut Crazy, will crank it up at 7PM and play songs from bands that strongly support the Second Amendment. It will be a quick set.

Headlining act Severed Head will start around 9PM and play children’s songs, and a wide variety of selections from Iron Maiden’s Number of the Beast album to keep the set “honest.”

TTB

TTB