Local Man Sharpens Pencil, No One Injured

February 22, 2018

Only days after Micky Dolenz and Michael Nesmith announced their first duo tour and only two days after Smashing Pumpkins say they are going back on the road this summer, Forestville resident and local humorist, John Eggers, sharpened his Eberhard Faber Number 2 pencil and was not harmed, according to authorities.

Eyewitnesses told Boardman that at approximately 5:30 PM Thursday, Mr. Eggers broke his famed number 2 pencil while writing a series of insults and one-liners about local politicians. The vintage pencil, used to write many of his witty “gags”, was brought back to a quick point without incident and Eggers resumed writing. The crisis lasted almost a full minute.

A spokesperson for the Forestville Police Department said the pencil broke because it was previously over sharpened, a charge Mr. Eggers denied.

The FPD are warning residents to not over sharpen their pencils especially during the season of Lent. However, they did concede as Mr. Eggers maintained that pencils do become brittle over time.

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Coup d’état Canceled Due to Snowstorm

January 4, 2018

The coup d’état planned by Bristol Republicans to topple the mayor and the City Council Thursday morning, after only two months on the job, was canceled due to a significant snowstorm forecast for the area.

Snowfall is expected to begin shortly before sunrise with blizzard conditions reached later in the day. Consequently, everyone involved with the coup is to stay home. “With snow coming down at rates in excess of three to four inches per hour at points, and winds reaching as much at 60 miles per hour and white out conditions predicted, it will be difficult to overthrow the municipal government today,” the coup leaders said in a statement.

The coup d’état will not however, be rescheduled or carried out Friday because the element of surprise is gone, and the military junta they wanted to install has a doctor’s appointment scheduled for noon.

Coup members are instructed to continue about their lives.


Greta Out at MSNBC

June 30, 2017

Greta Van Susteren is out after 6 months MSNBC, but she won’t be out of work long.    

Nutmeg TV, the public access provider for Forestville and Bristol, contacted Van Susteren immediately following her dismissal and hired her to host a call-in show called, “The Talk of Bristol.”

According to Nutmeg TV Executive Director Joanie Sutter, “The Talk of Bristol” will broadcast every other Tuesday at 6 p.m., following “Fun With Straws” and prior to “How to Dig a Hole.”

Despite her awards, fame and over 20 years of television experience, Ms. Van Susteren must take Nutmeg TVs production classes to learn how to use their equipment and produce a program before she goes on the air, Sutter proudly revealed. 
 
This is the second coup for the public access station in as many months.  In May they landed Scott Pelley formally anchor and managing editor of the “CBS Evening News.”  Mr. Pelley currently labels and logs tapes in the Nutmeg TV Library because he has not yet completed Nutmeg’s rigorous production classes.

“For The Record with Greta” began airing on MSNBC in January of 2017, and was cancelled due to poor ratings and frizzy hair.


Breaking News: Local Man Has Headache

February 25, 2017

breaking-news

Forestville resident Mitchell Luby complained of a constant but dull pain in his head Friday. Co-workers said the headache caused him to leave work early. Although the source or cause of the headache at this hour remains unknown it is not believed to be work related.

Mr. Luby’s status is listed as day to day. The Bristol Press and Bristol Observer are aware of this story but declined to file reports.

In an unrelated matter, a local writer was working on a new article for his blog yesterday and suddenly stopped writing in mid sentennce because h


Shocker 3 and 9 UConn Fires Head Football Coach!

December 28, 2016

breaking-news

In a surprise move, the University of Connecticut fired its football coach, Bob Diaco. Coach Diaco had just completed a third terrific season that featured wins against football powerhouses the University of Maine and St. Mary’s Girls’ Academy.

Athletics director David Benedict sought to reassure fans that there would be a smooth transition to a new head coach who would carry on the tradition of success Diaco established in winning at most 3 games per season. Despite rumors that Randy Edsall will be rehired for the post, all signs point to veteran Washington Generals coach Ted Whiteman to take the job.

Said Bennett, “Sure, Whiteman is a basketball coach and sure, he’s never beaten the Harlem Globetrotters, but we feel confident we can get lucky with him at the helm. After all, Coach Diaco never coached offense before taking the job here, but that did not prevent the team from winning a couple games.”

However, Bennett is hedging his bets. To keep people’s spirits up during games, Rentschler Field will have aid stations with comfort dogs and basketballs on rubber bands.


Live Election Coverage 8:01 Update

November 8, 2016

breaking-news

8:01 PM – Forestville, CT

Polls have closed. The vote count will be tighter than usual since the registrar says they will be counting ballots in a small closet at city hall. The closet is considered to be safe from Russian hackers and the vast right wing conspiracy.

Exit polls are showing that Trump is doing better with white males.
However, illegals are voting for Hillary 2 to 1.

Locally:

Sign makers are tilting towards Cara Pavalock.


Live Election Coverage 7:20 Update

November 8, 2016

breaking-news

Report from the Front Lines of the Election

7:15 PM Forestville, CT

It’s after dinner and we had hoped to bring you early results based on exit polling at the voting location by the senior center. However, we have had trouble accurately assessing the opinions of voters since most of them have had trouble locating the exits.

Little Kenny Manners was shouting to people casting ballots inside the Maple Street polling location that his dad says Trump is a big poopyhead. Security is escorting him out. We are informed Kenny faces ten years in jail for violating laws against electioneering inside a polling place. “This will serve as a valuable lesson for him,” the police say.