Breaking News: Local Man Has Headache

February 25, 2017

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Forestville resident Mitchell Luby complained of a constant but dull pain in his head Friday. Co-workers said the headache caused him to leave work early. Although the source or cause of the headache at this hour remains unknown it is not believed to be work related.

Mr. Luby’s status is listed as day to day. The Bristol Press and Bristol Observer are aware of this story but declined to file reports.

In an unrelated matter, a local writer was working on a new article for his blog yesterday and suddenly stopped writing in mid sentennce because h


Shocker 3 and 9 UConn Fires Head Football Coach!

December 28, 2016

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In a surprise move, the University of Connecticut fired its football coach, Bob Diaco. Coach Diaco had just completed a third terrific season that featured wins against football powerhouses the University of Maine and St. Mary’s Girls’ Academy.

Athletics director David Benedict sought to reassure fans that there would be a smooth transition to a new head coach who would carry on the tradition of success Diaco established in winning at most 3 games per season. Despite rumors that Randy Edsall will be rehired for the post, all signs point to veteran Washington Generals coach Ted Whiteman to take the job.

Said Bennett, “Sure, Whiteman is a basketball coach and sure, he’s never beaten the Harlem Globetrotters, but we feel confident we can get lucky with him at the helm. After all, Coach Diaco never coached offense before taking the job here, but that did not prevent the team from winning a couple games.”

However, Bennett is hedging his bets. To keep people’s spirits up during games, Rentschler Field will have aid stations with comfort dogs and basketballs on rubber bands.


Live Election Coverage 8:01 Update

November 8, 2016

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8:01 PM – Forestville, CT

Polls have closed. The vote count will be tighter than usual since the registrar says they will be counting ballots in a small closet at city hall. The closet is considered to be safe from Russian hackers and the vast right wing conspiracy.

Exit polls are showing that Trump is doing better with white males.
However, illegals are voting for Hillary 2 to 1.

Locally:

Sign makers are tilting towards Cara Pavalock.


Live Election Coverage 7:20 Update

November 8, 2016

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Report from the Front Lines of the Election

7:15 PM Forestville, CT

It’s after dinner and we had hoped to bring you early results based on exit polling at the voting location by the senior center. However, we have had trouble accurately assessing the opinions of voters since most of them have had trouble locating the exits.

Little Kenny Manners was shouting to people casting ballots inside the Maple Street polling location that his dad says Trump is a big poopyhead. Security is escorting him out. We are informed Kenny faces ten years in jail for violating laws against electioneering inside a polling place. “This will serve as a valuable lesson for him,” the police say.


Live Election Coverage 6:35 Update

November 8, 2016

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6:30 PM Forestville, CT

We have indications something is wrong at the polls. Around dusk I visited Forestville Cemetery and one tombstone has an “I Voted Today!” sticker on it.

Mrs. Ernestine Cunkel of 57 Aberdeen Lane voted for Trump. She never votes Republican! Health care specialists have been called.

People from the Clinton campaign are manning one polling place downtown to make certain their voters get to vote at least twice. They are therefore working to prevent what would otherwise be a voting irregularity for the party.

More updates as news filters in.


Bristol/Forestville News in Brief

November 7, 2016

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Rockwell Park

Rockwell Park is known for its basketball court, skate park, playground, trees, leaves, and cut grass that each year bring in visitors from all over the area around the park.

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The city council is now considering expanding Rockwell’s playground into a daycare facility. Plans include adding a bunker with small rooms to hold each child and hurricane fencing with towers manned by former East German guards to keep the children inside the compound.

The woman tapped to head the daycare facility, Colonel Ivana Vassarova recently of Russian Special Forces, promises that children left in her charge will enjoy an atmosphere of fun, play and obedience to the state.

Helping Hands Food Bank

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Bristol Democrats fearing a Trump presidency caused a run on a local food bank. The bank, Helping Hands Food Bank, worries if there aren’t sufficient deposits to replenish their accounts they will face closure by the FDIC, the Food Deposit Insurance Corporation. Regulators are already scouring the books of the bank and interviewing its trustees.

Occupy Bristol protesters gathered in front of the bank yesterday calling for an end to the lavish ten-soup-cans-a-day pay of “fat cat bank executives.”

Tyler Perry

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Tyler Perry announced that his next film will be set in Forestville. The movie called, “Madea’s Wrong Turn Off Route 84,” is expected to be shot in January, according to the director, “to accentuate how wonderful the village looks in the stark deadness and cold of winter amidst the brown piles of plowed snow.”

Rusty the Labrador Retriever Impeached!

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The Forestville chapter of the Friends of Animals Society was thrown into chaos after their latest president, Rusty the Labrador retriever, was impeached. Said treasurer Jenny Wishman, “Rusty never did anything except beg for food, look for attention and drink out of the toilet bowl. While we believe man is no better than any other species, after electing a dog, a parrot and a no-show dolphin as president, it is becoming increasingly clear humans are better at running our organization.”

Plans for a replacement are on hold until the chair of the nominating committee Annabelle, an Abyssinian-Siamese mix, returns from the vet.

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Stay informed on Election Day with Alan Boardman’s coverage all day.


Forestville Man Was Alert After a Night’s Sleep

October 26, 2016

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Forestville resident Ned Pauley fell asleep last night around 9 p.m. His family reports that he awoke at approximately 4:30 this morning, and was relatively alert showing no signs of being groggy despite getting up three times to urinate.

Mr. Pauley expects to fall asleep at the same time tonight having no interest in watching Game 2 of the World Series.