Popular Children’s Show Star Slappy the Seal Found Dead!

January 3, 2018

Slappy the Seal

Slappy the Seal – star of Nutmeg Television’s program, “Slap Happy Slappy” died late Monday, off the shores of Norway.

Preliminary autopsy results indicate the cause of death as “harpooning.” Officials would not comment on rumors that Slappy was being turned into a hat, tastefully trimmed in chinchilla following his untimely death.

Slappy was last seen Friday afternoon dining with his agent, Michelle Bohan, at a sushi bar in Plainville. Ms. Bohan was unable to explain how her client ended up halfway around the world.

Slap Happy Slappy was the highest rated children’s program on Nutmeg TV, and featured Slappy performing various tricks for a studio audience of children – in between Japanese Anime cartoons.

Celebrity condolences came in almost immediately.

“We were going to honor him the keys to the city but as everyone knows now they went missing. I’m not naming names Greg, Peter, or Josh. Anyway, Slappy will be missed.”
Ellen Zoppo-Sassu, Mayor Bristol, CT

“He was a great deal of fun at the Pequabuck River Duck Race. What was that trick he did with the ball and his nose? Oh shoot I can’t remember. Anyway, he will be missed.”
Waddles, The Pequabuck River Duck Race Mascot

“Slappy was going to roll out the first pitch at a Bristol Blues game this season. I guess he can’t now – maybe Waddles will do it instead. Anyway, Slappy will be missed.”
Elliot Scheiner, owner Bristol Blues Baseball Club

News of the show’s fate came swiftly as well.

Nutmeg TV announced the immediate termination of the program – calling for the entire studio to be gutted and steam cleaned. In a press release they justified the show’s cancelation, “The whole place smells like low tide, and we may never be able to remove the foul stench.”

Boardman

Advertisements

10% Charlie, Guida’s Supercow and Other Local Celebrities Attend Inaugural

November 16, 2017

Supercow arriving at Inaugural

Bristol’s new mayor and city councilors were sworn in Monday night at Bristol Eastern High School. The auditorium was crowded and enthusiastic, and included three former mayors and many dignitaries.

Other luminaries in attendance were 10% Charlie from Kaoud Oriental Rugs, Good Ole Tom, Fast Eddy, Crazy Bruce, BB (from the Bristol Blues) and Guida’s Dairy Supercow who took a real shine to Mary Fortier.

10% Charlie was spied chatting up newly sworn-in City Councilor Greg Hahn at the meet and greet following the ceremony, but became a nuisance because he ended every sentence with, “and don’t forget to ask for me 10% Charlie.”

10% Charlie

Crazy Bruce was as crazy as ever and perhaps a little tipsy too because he sang corny songs out of key while trying to sell cheap booze cheap.

Others like Good Ole Tom and Fast Eddy mingled while looking for cheap gold and silver to buy. Fast Eddy however, poorly disguised himself as the lady from the Bob’s Discount TV commercials and kept looking over his shoulder.

BB, a baseball mascot, appeared out of place so he just sat in the corner and twitched nervously while eating peaches from a can.

Guida’s Supercow worked the room flashing the peace sign and posing for photos. Later he took to the dance floor with ladies in bikini tops and short shorts. Okay, I made that last part up.

Following the meet and greet with Bristol’s new city employees, Supercow said that it was not only ‘an honor’ to be invited but to attend too because he finally got to meet Mary Fortier and 10% Charlie.


Bristol Democrats Formally Endorse Candidates Then Attend After Party

July 29, 2017

On a rare cool summer evening last Monday, the Bristol Democratic Town Committee gathered at 111 N. Main Street, and nominated their candidates for city offices this year.

Following the nominations and acceptance speeches at City Hall, members of the DTC headed to a well-attended after-party at Sporty’s Cafe for food and conversation. Unfortunately it wasn’t exactly a night at The Algonquin Round Table, but it would do for a Monday night.

Calvin Brown was spotted nursing a beverage while chatting up Rippy Patton about how Prilosec OTC is the #1 Doctor Recommended frequent heartburn brand for 10 straight years!

Meanwhile, there was Dave Preleski and Mary Fortier discussing how exciting it is that as lawyers in Connecticut they get to pay the Occupational Tax (an annual tax imposed on attorneys in Connecticut).

Former state legislator Chris Wright was in the house too and he conferred with political newcomers Josh Medeiros, Greg Hahn and Brittney Barney about the importance of comfortable and breathable cotton shirts on the campaign trail.

Mayoral nominee Ellen Zoppo-Sassu mixed and mingled her way through the “fete” trying to find someone to debate her as she consumed a Hot Salted Caramel Mocha Coffee.

The event was catered by chef Wolfgang Puck and included “Democrat friendly food” such as croissants, granola, arugula, kale, guacamole, veggie burgers, spicy tuna tartare and yogurt chicken.

The election is Tuesday November 7, 2017. Stay semi-informed with Alan Boardman’s semi-comprehensive and semi-accurate election coverage.

Related Headlines

* Ellen Zoppo-Sassu Has the Internet Freaking Out About Hot Salted Caramel Mocha Coffee!

* Why Aren’t Synthetic Fabrics all the Rage on the Campaign Trail?

* Bristol Democrats Will Have a Fundraiser at Muzzy Field Tonight, Will Moroccan-Spiced Wagyu Short Rib and Chopped Salad be on the Menu?


Previewing the Candidates of District 3 / Battle of the Resumes

July 25, 2017

This year’s races for City Council will hinge on the candidates outlook for Bristol’s future.

Boardman, throughout the election season, will breakdown the city council races. Today District 3 is previewed, which includes Federal Hill and Forestville.

Cheryl Thibeault (R)

Mrs. Thibeault has an exceptional resume. When she enters a room her resume has already been there for ten minutes.

Currently she serves on the following boards and committees:

• Board of Finance (chair)
• Retirement Board
• 10-Year Capital Improvement Board
• Fire Building #4 Building Committee (co-chair)
• BOF liaison to the Police Board
• Youth leader in her church

But wait there is more.

• Mayor’s Task Force on Energy Conservation
• Greene-Hills School Building Committee
• Mayor’s TEAM committee
• Memorial Boulevard Task Force
• PTA president
• Girl Scout leader
• Forestville Village Association member
• Chamber of Commerce Board Director
• Wheeler YMCA Board
• Rescued a kitty from a tree
• Orchestrated the 2014 Ceasefire in Fallujah
• Her last name is two syllables
• Just copyrighted the word resume©
• In her spare time she is a super-hero

Mary Fortier (D)

Councilwoman Mary Fortier is seeking her third consecutive term. According to City Council Magazine she is Forestville’s favorite city councilor.

Mrs. Fortier is a mother of six and lives in the Federal Hill area in a house on a street. Her resume© includes the following:

• Lawyer with the State of Connecticut, Waterbury Court House
• Eighth woman to serve on the Bristol City Council
• Served on the Bristol Development Authority
• Served on the Bristol Community Organization
• Served on the Disability Commission
• Served on the Pine Lake Committee
• Served on the Real Estate Committee
• Served on the Salary Committee
• Was one of 100 women leaders in Connecticut that petitioned Governor Malloy to support paid family sick leave in 2016
• Regularly attends Bristol Blues games but has yet to thrown out a first pitch. Baseball Prospectus says she throws from a three-quarters arm slot; hides the ball well and hits her spots
• Wears glasses
• Signs her name in cursive
• Her last name is three syllables

Dave Mills (R)

Mr. Mills previously served two terms on the City Council before returning in 2015. His name appears in the newspaper a lot and now this website. Here are some highlights from his career:

• Retired School Teacher and high school football coach
• 2015 received the Spirit of Bristol Award from the CT Chambers of Commerce
• 2003 Bristol Sports Hall of Fame Inductee
• Head football coach at Bristol Eastern for 26 years
• Twice named “Coach of the Year” by the CIAC
• 1988 State Champion
• Revolutionized football using multiple formation offences and bringing back the shotgun, invented the 4-3 defense (Flex Defense), 20 straight winning seasons, and wore his trademark fedora on the sidelines. Wait that was Tom Landry former head coach of the Dallas Cowboys. Never mind.

Brittany Barney (D)

A newcomer to Bristol politics so not much is known about candidate Barney. However, a Google search of the name “Brittany Barney” reveals the following information:

• She is a Business Coordinator at Grey Mountain in Boulder, Colorado
• According to IMDb Brittany Barney is an actress best known for her role in the movie Santiago (2011)
• The 5’4 Junior Guard was the Benson High School Girls Basketball Player of the Game on February 2, 2017, Vs. Pima
• In 2009 playing for Clinton Community College against Finger Lakes “Brittany Barney” had 10 rebounds, seven assists and two steals
• Her favorite word is “soooo.”
• Her grandmother died in 1856, 1907, 1959, 1992, 1997, 2012 and 2014

The election is Tuesday November 7, 2017. Stay semi-informed with Alan Boardman’s semi-comprehensive and semi-accurate election coverage.

END


Bristol Blues Announce 2017 Promotional Dates

March 18, 2017

The Bristol Blues are entering their third season in the FCBL and they have just released a portion of their 2017 promotional calendar. There are numerous promotions throughout the season and here are just a few.

Saturday June 10, 7PM, Breathalyzer Night

Come to the game, pass a breathalyzer test in the 7th inning, and receive a free beer. Presented by Anheuser-Busch.

Wednesday June 28, 7PM, No Cheering Night

Fans in attendance are encouraged to sit silently and not cheer. Text, read and shut-up!

Saturday July 8, Medication Night

Meds anyone? Bring your empty medication bottles and have them filled by a pharmacist.

Tuesday July 25, Survey Night

Come on down to historic Muzzy Field and take a survey. Take your pick from the Memorial Boulevard, Route 6 Corridor, Downtown Vision, Centre Square, or 2017 Election, Surveys.

Representatives from Milone & MacBroom, Fitzgerald and Halliday, Inc., the Chamber of Commerce and the Forestville consulting firm of Landry, Issel and Escalanté will tally the results.

Thursday August 3, 7PM, Running of the Bulls

A bull run or “encierros” as it is referred to in Spanish will be held following the top part of the 5th inning.

Starting near Bristol Pizza the bulls will chase the runners down Jacobs Street, to Muzzy Street and through the entrance to the stadium along the right field line and onto the field to a cheering bloodthirsty crowd.

The game will resume with the bulls staying on the field to graze.

Chaos, danger and fun for the entire family!

Events and Giveaways

The 2017 season will also feature some fun events and giveaways too.

Thursday June 15
Pre-melted Ice Night. The first 100 fans receive a bag of pre-melted ice.

Tuesday July 4
The first 50 fans through the gates receive renderings of the City Council as STAR WARS™ characters by Forestville students.

Freedom Of Information Night
Suspicious of the guy sitting next to you? FOIA forms for everybody!

Friday August 4, Empty Stadium Night
No game scheduled. The first 100 spectators not to attend will receive nothing, which can be redeemed at the team store.

The Bristol Blues play in the Futures Collegiate Baseball League (FCBL). It is a wood bat collegiate summer baseball league. Each team plays 56 regular season games (28 home and 28 away) and the Blues play at historic Muzzy Field.


Blues Lose, Are the Democrats to Blame or Are the Republicans?

July 31, 2016

Blame 01

The Bristol Blues recently lost two games in a row and city Republicans believe the Democrats are responsible.

To stop the losing skid, Republicans were seen outside Muzzy Field near the entrance where Babe Ruth, Connie Mack and many local legends once stood, with pitch forks and torches demanding Democrats not attend Friday night’s game.

Democratic favorites Rippy Patton and Calvin Brown attempted to reason with the angry crowd with facts and statistics. It did nothing. Republicans, hurling scornful insults, jabbed their pitchforks and waved their torches at them.

State legislators Whit Betts, Cara Pavalock and Henri Martin heard it was getting testy and quickly issued a joint statement urging calm, and then headed over to Rodd’s Restaurant presumably for a short stack with eggs, bacon and tasty pork rolls.

Things then got weird.

The promo van for Bristol’s Internet Rock Radio Station – The Beat, arrived and the hard working crew handed out gift cards while they played a mix of Van Halen and Public Enemy to lighten the mood. Unfortunately it didn’t.

77th District candidate Laura Bartok showed up, made a quick study of the situation and put forth a policy paper to solve the problem. No one noticed.

One time mayoral hopeful Rick Kriscenski materialized out of thin air from the 1990s with bullhorn in hand hysterically demanding an ice rink be built, and taxes raised on the wealthy.

A riot nearly erupted.

DSCN6726

Eventually, as the Blues rallied, all the ideological combatants put their differences aside for a few innings and cheered the home team on together to a 7-2 win.

However, as the crowd emptied to the neighborhood streets around the historic ballpark, City Councilor Mary Fortier stood alone on the outfield grass. Grappling with what had transpired she wondered, “Where has Bristol gone? What can Bristol do? Why did the Blues make that pitching change?”

As all seemed lost, suddenly the public address system crackled back to life. A voice wafted over the field and quoting 18th century Scottish philosopher David Hume said the following:

“Your corn is ripe today; mine will be so tomorrow. ‘Tis profitable for us both, that I should labour with you today, and that you should aid me tomorrow. I have no kindness for you, and know you have as little for me. I will not, therefore, take any pains upon your account; and should I labour with you upon my own account, in expectation of a return, I know I should be disappointed, and that I should in vain depend upon your gratitude. Here then I leave you to labour alone; You treat me in the same manner. The seasons change; and both of us lose our harvests for want of mutual confidence and security.”

The scattered few left in attendance turned to identify the speaker but the stadium lights faded to black leaving everyone in the dark together to ponder.


DB Cooper Spotted in Forestville

July 29, 2016
D.B. Cooper

D.B. Cooper

D.B. Cooper skyjacked a Boeing 727 airplane in 1971 for $200,000 in ransom and parachuted out of the aircraft somewhere over Washington State. He has never been found. The FBI just suspended its investigation into the skyjacker two weeks ago. Since then D.B. Cooper sightings have been reported all over Forestville.

Cooper was spotted by Newton Corley at Legends Sports Bar And Grill on Pine Street in a celebrative mood drinking a bourbon and soda Monday evening.

Muhammad Terez said he saw Cooper in the picnic area at a Blues game Tuesday eating a hot dog, downing beers and flashing a lot of money.

And Emma Glockenspiel identified the fugitive in line at City Hall wearing a dark suit, black tie and sunglasses registering to vote Thursday morning.

“It has been long been rumored that a D.B. Cooper lived in Forestville but we all thought he kept a low profile because he was shy. Who knew that it was because the FBI was after him?” remarked local busy body Fred Hemple.