Elizabeth Warren Explores Possible Presidential Run, Forestville Man Can’t Stop Laughing

January 2, 2019

Forestville Police conducted a welfare check Monday afternoon at the home of Spencer Price on Bingham Street.

Mr. Price was found on the floor of his kitchen laughing in response to Senator Elizabeth Warren’s announcement that she will launch an exploratory committee for a possible 2020 presidential run.

Police officials said they observed Mr. Price writhing about the floor in an uncontrollable fit of laughter.

He was brought to Bristol Hospital for observation overnight.

UPDATE

As of this hour, Mr. Price remains in BH as Warren’s run is not a joke as was originally believed.

P.S. That typo was done purposely for you Nikki, enjoy.

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Forestville Resident Injured Tying Shoes, Airlifted to Bristol Hospital

December 20, 2018

Lifelong Forestville resident Tobias “Toby” Jacks was airlifted by helicopter to Bristol Hospital following a bizarre shoe tying accident in Forestville Thursday afternoon, according to a police report.

The accident happened around 3:30 p.m. in the home of a family friend while Mr. Jacks was learning how to tie a knot. The report states Jack’s left index finger became trapped while he attempted to tie a bow knot.

Hospital workers said he will make a full recovery within a day or two. A crisis counselor was made available to Mr. Jack’s and his friends.


A Review of the 2018 Forestville Election

November 8, 2018

Tuesday, Forestville voters were greeted with rain and two pages of questions on the ballot regarding a wide range of topics. Due to the length of the questions, the subject matters and the election itself, it would have been nice if there was a practice election prior to the actual election.

For many it required a great deal of patience and energy to complete the ballot. Some appeared to really struggle with checking boxes, while others required pictures with the questions or at least a doodle pad to help them organize their thoughts. Luckily, I read the CliffsNotes before entering the voting grotto so I think I did “okay”.

The essay was tougher than expected as I needed two ballots because my word count was high. I completely botched the talent portion, but I recovered on the multiple-choice section because I skimmed the text before reading, and I underlined key words with a yellow Sharpie.

Initially, I paid no attention to the results Tuesday night but I suspected the local republicans held their three state legislative seats because I heard the tolling of funeral bells coming from Saint Matthew’s Church. It was clinched when a slow, solemn dirge caught my ear; wafting from Saint Matt’s down to Cumbies to Broad Street over the Pequabuck and up Washington to Garden Street.

Around 11PM Forestville time, I made my way to Bristol Hospital expecting to see a caravan of democrats in desperate need of psychiatric care. The night was spoiled though when I discovered I was the only one there so hospital officials admitted me for evaluation!

Clearly I have been misdiagnosed. Bristol Hospital disagrees because tomorrow I am being transported to Connecticut Valley Hospital!

In the last six months, I’ve been pronounced dead, buried, resurrected and admitted to a psych ward. Um, is there anyone out there? If so, HELP!


Fear and Loathing in Forestville Part 1

November 3, 2018

It was a lazy Tuesday night and I was sitting at the bar at the DoubeTree watching a ballgame on TV while nursing a Rum and Coke, with ice. A stranger sat down next to me and soon the conversation turned to local politics. My plan was to stay out of this election, but with a familiar Forestville twang he stated, “This election needs an ombudsman.” I paused before finishing my drink and responded in the affirmative with, “Yeah.”

The stranger seemed satisfied and tossing some bar nuts down his throat, he was off to bother someone else. I took to my journal with a Faber No. 2 pencil and putting lead to paper wrote, “Time to write a Roman a clef, perhaps?”

At the moment the 2018 election was beyond my ken so my attention diverted back to the game. In an effort to remain consistent, I ordered another Rum and Coke, with ice.

Monday July 9
Another day, another mailing arrives. “Jesus! I swear one more of these and I’m going to be checking into a mental health facility. These bullet point screeds are bright, colorful and say nothing,” I railed aloud to the workmen at the house.

Tuesday July 30
Scouring the Bristol Press for local election news, I felt like King Arthur searching the Holy Land in vain for the Grail. The newspaper is littered with arrests but no policy pieces, no debates and no Letters to the Editor. I am a few weeks into this and need a door of egress.

Friday August 17

On a clear night, I was in a home located in the Peoples Republic of Chippens Hill attending a Republican fundraiser with about 70 people. No one can understand the sheer horror I experienced during this visit. Chants of Trump, Trump Trump!, echoed threw the home, out the replacement windows and into the Farmington Valley.

Madness surrounded me. There was a man in the corner reenacting Trump’s Inaugural Address, and the small group surrounding him was spellbound. On the other side of the room, another man was reciting President Ford’s 1976 convention speech. No one was paying attention to him.

There were readings from the Necronomicon, backwards singing priests, and the exchange of sacred fluids. That was before the appetizers! I smiled and said little fearing I would have been chased like the Frankenstein monster with pitchforks and torches.

Saturday September 1

I was invited to an outdoor party held by the Democrats on Federal Hill. The invitation was written in Sanskrit on vintage paper. Arriving late, I observed in my journal, “An idyllic neighborhood ladened with sidewalks and trees, which probably change colors in the fall too. A liberal paradise.”

The talk at lunch was of “sun salutations, yoga mats, Hybrid cars, I love what you have done with your hair and guacamole.” A thought was given to visiting a thrift store later, but that discussion ceases once the pâté was brought out.

At one point during this fête, the Democrats round themselves up and everyone holds hands to celebrate this communal circle jerk.

I scarfed down the guacamole and the pâté and planned my escape because I could not handle the cream cheese and kimchee that was coming from the kitchen. Before returning to the safety of Forestville though, I drove myself to Bristol Hospital to have my stomach pumped.

Tuesday October 23
Did I have a stomach flu or was I just upset watching Henri Martin at the debate?

Thursday November 1
This election has been boring so it could use some good old-fashioned voter suppression to fire things up. I wonder, do the Republican candidates (Cara, Whit and Henri) watch with envious eyes what is happening in Georgia? Yeah, that was a cheap shot, I know. I aim to do better.

Saturday November 3
Elections are like Viet-effing-nam, man! It is the Fog of War and once you are in you can’t get out. However, through the fog, I see a light at the end of the tunnel and it is Wednesday, November 7th, 2018.


Kavanaugh Sworn in, Democrats Lose Their Collective Shit

October 9, 2018

Brett Kavanaugh was sworn in by Chief Justice John Roberts and retired Associate Justice Anthony Kennedy Saturday. Mr. Kavanaugh is the 114th Supreme Court Justice.

Bristol Democrats began showing up in the emergency room at Bristol Hospital in record amounts shortly after the swearing-in Saturday afternoon. Overwhelmed psychologically and emotionally, they appeared in wave after wave from Forestville, Federal Hill, Edgewood, Northeast, Cedar Lake and even Chippens Hill. Many were walking dazed and confused; some hallucinating many more suffering the ill effects of depression.

Bristol Hospital said they were prepared for the influx of patients as they stocked their trauma rooms with Prozac, Zoloft, Paxil, Lithium and a variety of other anti-depressants.

Hospital officials said they updated the cafeteria menu for the short term to include foods known to help with depression such as apricots, broccoli, cantaloupe, carrots, collards, peaches, pumpkin, spinach and sweet potato.

Curt Barwis, President and CEO of Bristol Hospital, confided to Boardman while engaged in a game of paper football, “As always there is plenty of granola and wheat germ on hand too. Hey man, that’s over the edge and a touchdown!”


Scheduled to Appear at the Bristol Mum Festival

September 21, 2018

The Bristol Mum Festival is September 20th through the 23rd.

The festival, celebrating Bristol, will feature venders, booths, food trucks, live music, crafters and more.

With the upcoming elections in November local office seekers, who wish to be powerful and elite, will be in attendance soliciting votes from people that are not powerful and elite. Amongst those that will be there include the following:
________________________________________
Cara Pavalock-D’Amato (R) is scheduled to be in the Church of the Holy Sepulchre of Trump Tent Friday donning her Trump Heels, Trump Stockings, Trump makeup, and a Trump Zip-Front Power Dress with matching Trump Clutch bag and Trump accessories.

She has a reputation both good and bad for frowning, and voting no so voters can watch her in action frowning and saying no or as they say in parlance “nay.” She told Boardman while drinking Trump tea from a Trump chalice, “The ‘N Sound is a single consonant and nasally but very powerful to say so I can’t help myself sometimes.”
________________________________________
Kevin Fuller (D), who is running against Cara in the 77th District, was going to show up and then he wasn’t but then he was but then he wasn’t and now he is – maybe, sort of. He might be at the food truck or the carnival or the petting zoo or on a pony ride. Who knows? Do you know? I don’t know. It is so confusing.
________________________________________
Give ’Em Hell Henri Martin (R), uh correction: Give ‘Em Hell Henri does not like to be called Give ‘Em Hell Henri so Tippecanoe and Henri Martin too (R) will be at the Mum Festival Saturday night, and telling voters about all the money he did not bring back to Forestville during his two terms.
________________________________________
Chris Wright
(D), Tippecanoe’s opponent in the 31st State Senate District, will be in the Meet a Real-Life Politician Tent Saturday morning. Mr. Wright will be asking questions, but not answering any.
________________________________________
Chris Ziogas (D), the incumbent in the 79th, will be wandering around Friday night telling his, “Hey I Got Funding for the Renovation of Memorial Boulevard School For Use as an Arts and Theater Magnet School and No one Else Did so I am Great and the Rest of You Really, Really Suck” story.
________________________________________
Dave Rackliffe (R) is the Republican candidate in the 79th District. Candidate Rackliffe is a former Bristol Hospital executive and he will be appearing in the “You Have Probably Never Heard of Me Tent”.
________________________________________
Allen Marko (D) is seeking election to the Connecticut House of Representatives to represent District 78, and he will be joining ol what’s his name? in the “You Have Probably Never Heard of Me Tent” as well.
________________________________________
Whit Betts (R) will appear (day unknown) ever so briefly and leave just as quickly with no explanation. Why he will leave and where he will go is a mystery to all, and will be the topic of discussion for George Noory on Coast to Coast AM Saturday night.

Any listener that discovers when Mr. Betts leaves and where he goes and calls George on the Wild Card Line will receive a free hand crank radio.

Call George on the wild card line at 818-501-4721. That number again 818-501-4721. That number one more time in case you forgot it or did not write it down is 818-zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
________________________________________

The theme for this year’s festival is Fall in Love with Bristol. Admission is free so you don’t have to sneak in unless you want to have a little extra fun.


Preview of the 2018 Pequabuck River Duck Race

May 5, 2018

Sunday, 5,000 plastic ducks will be haphazardly dumped into the Pequabuck River with a race to the finish line. The ducks are numbered with winning ticket holders taking home prizes.

The Skinny and let’s get down to the nut cracking

Event: 2018 Pequabuck River Duck Race.

Distance of the race: Unknown because no one has bothered to measure.

Where: Pequabuck River, a 19-mile river with lots of water that winds its way through Forestville.

Who’s Hot/ Who’s Not

HOT
Duck Number 12: The plastic duck had a strong showing in qualifying, finishing second at the Coppermine Brook Time Trials.

NOT
Duck Number 3162: The best thing that could happen to this duck is for it to be scuttled or lost during the race. Many believe the duck is jinxed having never finishing better than four thousandth.

Other stuff

Race day starts at 10 a.m. with the ceremonial blessing of the ducks.

The race is hosted by Bristol Chamber of Commerce and is sponsored by Hoover Vacuums, vacuums that really suck.

The proceeds raised benefit something and are used to clean stuff around the village.

Little Known Race Facts:

• To increase interest this year the race will be a relay.

• Ticket holders of the winning ducks will receive the usual bevy of prizes, but other prizes include coupons to Intimate Encounters a Forestville escort service; a Fast Pass to the Emergency Room of Bristol Hospital and a Get out of Jail Free Card courtesy of the Bristol PD.

• According to race promoters more than 70% of the fans that attend go to see if someone will fall or will be pushed into the river.

• The 2010 Pequabuck River Duck Race was called off shortly after it started due to a misunderstanding with confused duck hunters. Authorities say the Bristol Duck Hunting Club mistakenly opened fire on the plastic ducks thinking they were real. The hunters have not been charged and the matter is still being investigated eight years later.

• Race mascot Waddles the Duck will not be in attendance this year because he was slaughtered and turned into foie gras.