Kavanaugh Sworn in, Democrats Lose Their Collective Shit

October 9, 2018

Brett Kavanaugh was sworn in by Chief Justice John Roberts and retired Associate Justice Anthony Kennedy Saturday. Mr. Kavanaugh is the 114th Supreme Court Justice.

Bristol Democrats began showing up in the emergency room at Bristol Hospital in record amounts shortly after the swearing-in Saturday afternoon. Overwhelmed psychologically and emotionally, they appeared in wave after wave from Forestville, Federal Hill, Edgewood, Northeast, Cedar Lake and even Chippens Hill. Many were walking dazed and confused; some hallucinating many more suffering the ill effects of depression.

Bristol Hospital said they were prepared for the influx of patients as they stocked their trauma rooms with Prozac, Zoloft, Paxil, Lithium and a variety of other anti-depressants.

Hospital officials said they updated the cafeteria menu for the short term to include foods known to help with depression such as apricots, broccoli, cantaloupe, carrots, collards, peaches, pumpkin, spinach and sweet potato.

Curt Barwis, President and CEO of Bristol Hospital, confided to Boardman while engaged in a game of paper football, “As always there is plenty of granola and wheat germ on hand too. Hey man, that’s over the edge and a touchdown!”

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Scheduled to Appear at the Bristol Mum Festival

September 21, 2018

The Bristol Mum Festival is September 20th through the 23rd.

The festival, celebrating Bristol, will feature venders, booths, food trucks, live music, crafters and more.

With the upcoming elections in November local office seekers, who wish to be powerful and elite, will be in attendance soliciting votes from people that are not powerful and elite. Amongst those that will be there include the following:
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Cara Pavalock-D’Amato (R) is scheduled to be in the Church of the Holy Sepulchre of Trump Tent Friday donning her Trump Heels, Trump Stockings, Trump makeup, and a Trump Zip-Front Power Dress with matching Trump Clutch bag and Trump accessories.

She has a reputation both good and bad for frowning, and voting no so voters can watch her in action frowning and saying no or as they say in parlance “nay.” She told Boardman while drinking Trump tea from a Trump chalice, “The ‘N Sound is a single consonant and nasally but very powerful to say so I can’t help myself sometimes.”
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Kevin Fuller (D), who is running against Cara in the 77th District, was going to show up and then he wasn’t but then he was but then he wasn’t and now he is – maybe, sort of. He might be at the food truck or the carnival or the petting zoo or on a pony ride. Who knows? Do you know? I don’t know. It is so confusing.
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Give ’Em Hell Henri Martin (R), uh correction: Give ‘Em Hell Henri does not like to be called Give ‘Em Hell Henri so Tippecanoe and Henri Martin too (R) will be at the Mum Festival Saturday night, and telling voters about all the money he did not bring back to Forestville during his two terms.
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Chris Wright
(D), Tippecanoe’s opponent in the 31st State Senate District, will be in the Meet a Real-Life Politician Tent Saturday morning. Mr. Wright will be asking questions, but not answering any.
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Chris Ziogas (D), the incumbent in the 79th, will be wandering around Friday night telling his, “Hey I Got Funding for the Renovation of Memorial Boulevard School For Use as an Arts and Theater Magnet School and No one Else Did so I am Great and the Rest of You Really, Really Suck” story.
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Dave Rackliffe (R) is the Republican candidate in the 79th District. Candidate Rackliffe is a former Bristol Hospital executive and he will be appearing in the “You Have Probably Never Heard of Me Tent”.
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Allen Marko (D) is seeking election to the Connecticut House of Representatives to represent District 78, and he will be joining ol what’s his name? in the “You Have Probably Never Heard of Me Tent” as well.
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Whit Betts (R) will appear (day unknown) ever so briefly and leave just as quickly with no explanation. Why he will leave and where he will go is a mystery to all, and will be the topic of discussion for George Noory on Coast to Coast AM Saturday night.

Any listener that discovers when Mr. Betts leaves and where he goes and calls George on the Wild Card Line will receive a free hand crank radio.

Call George on the wild card line at 818-501-4721. That number again 818-501-4721. That number one more time in case you forgot it or did not write it down is 818-zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
________________________________________

The theme for this year’s festival is Fall in Love with Bristol. Admission is free so you don’t have to sneak in unless you want to have a little extra fun.


Preview of the 2018 Pequabuck River Duck Race

May 5, 2018

Sunday, 5,000 plastic ducks will be haphazardly dumped into the Pequabuck River with a race to the finish line. The ducks are numbered with winning ticket holders taking home prizes.

The Skinny and let’s get down to the nut cracking

Event: 2018 Pequabuck River Duck Race.

Distance of the race: Unknown because no one has bothered to measure.

Where: Pequabuck River, a 19-mile river with lots of water that winds its way through Forestville.

Who’s Hot/ Who’s Not

HOT
Duck Number 12: The plastic duck had a strong showing in qualifying, finishing second at the Coppermine Brook Time Trials.

NOT
Duck Number 3162: The best thing that could happen to this duck is for it to be scuttled or lost during the race. Many believe the duck is jinxed having never finishing better than four thousandth.

Other stuff

Race day starts at 10 a.m. with the ceremonial blessing of the ducks.

The race is hosted by Bristol Chamber of Commerce and is sponsored by Hoover Vacuums, vacuums that really suck.

The proceeds raised benefit something and are used to clean stuff around the village.

Little Known Race Facts:

• To increase interest this year the race will be a relay.

• Ticket holders of the winning ducks will receive the usual bevy of prizes, but other prizes include coupons to Intimate Encounters a Forestville escort service; a Fast Pass to the Emergency Room of Bristol Hospital and a Get out of Jail Free Card courtesy of the Bristol PD.

• According to race promoters more than 70% of the fans that attend go to see if someone will fall or will be pushed into the river.

• The 2010 Pequabuck River Duck Race was called off shortly after it started due to a misunderstanding with confused duck hunters. Authorities say the Bristol Duck Hunting Club mistakenly opened fire on the plastic ducks thinking they were real. The hunters have not been charged and the matter is still being investigated eight years later.

• Race mascot Waddles the Duck will not be in attendance this year because he was slaughtered and turned into foie gras.


Pepsi Gets Naming Rights to New Ambulatory Care Center

March 30, 2018

Bristol Hospital has inked a deal with Pepsi to be the official soft drink sponsor for their new ambulatory care center, which opens in 2019 at Centre Square in downtown Bristol.

Sugary soft drinks like soda, which can contribute to type 2 diabetes, heart disease, and other chronic conditions that ironically can be treated at Bristol Hospital, will be free for all patients during visits to the ambulatory care center.

The deal allows drink stations to be situated throughout the building so patients can drink unlimited amounts of the artificially sweetened beverages. Along with the pouring rights, the agreement also includes ad space for Pepsi products in and around the 60,000-square foot building.

Financial details were not disclosed but a spokesperson described the deal as a “win-win.”

Kurt Barwis, president and CEO of Bristol Hospital told Boardman, “With the cuts we have seen to small hospitals by the state, we believe this is a way for us to stay competitive by having corporate sponsors. Yes, Pepsi gets their name on the building but our patients receive unlimited access to really sugary drinks.”

Additional corporate sponsors are expected to be announced soon including NovoLog insulin pens being the official insulin pen of Bristol Hospital.


Inauguration Concert Follows the Inauguration

November 13, 2017

Following the swearing-in of the Mayor-elect and the City Council Monday night at Bristol Eastern High School, the following acts are appearing at a concert honoring the new mayor and city council members:

Closed Casket

Local music legend Closed Casket, a favorite of the Mayor-elect, will appear but without their legendary horn section of Mickey, Matt and Mickey. The horn section remains in Bristol Hospital following a dreadful tuning accident.

Free Beer: Local bar band set list to feature songs no one has ever heard.

Test Tube Babies: Punk Rock cover band will perform, provided they can remember how to tune their instruments and the drummer can count it off to four.

Gun Nut Crazy: The Country band is scheduled to plays songs which support the Second Amendment. It will be a quick set.

Severed Head

A Heavy Metal act that shreds children’s songs such as Row, Row, Row Your Boat, The Wheels on the Bus and many other favs.

Musical acts are not the only artists performing. There is a mixture of entertainers in the lineup including:

The Delusionist

Performing in the courtyard is Marlon J. Murlow better known as The Delusionist. Is he a conspiracy theorist? A futurist? Maybe both or all of the above.

• Was the War of 1812 a hoax?
• Is the voice in your head you or someone else?
• Is The Periodic Table of the Elements only true some of the time?

Find out as Marlon J. Murlow is The Delusionist. Half magician, half mind reader and half visionary and seer.

• Was Mount Rushmore made from natural earth erosion?
• Is there a day of the week missing?
• Did Amelia Earhart Kidnap the Lindbergh baby?

Find out as Marlon J. Murlow is The Delusionist. One third of his brain is clairvoyant the other third is not.

• Does the All-Seeing Eye have cataracts?
• Did Twentieth Century Fox sink the Titanic so they could later make a hit movie about it?
• Were antidepressants invented to stop the Great Depression?

Find out as Marlon J. Murlow is The Delusionist. Part fake, part made-up and part lies.

The Forestville Civic Ballet

The Forestville Civic Ballet will reenact Ellen’s election victory. The troupe, composed of local prima donnas, will perform the Avant guarde ballet ginned up on Diet Coke and ibproffin. The performance will last two days.

Catering

The entire event is catered by celebrity chef Wolfgang Puck and will include “Democrat friendly food” such as Croissants, Granola, Arugula, Veggie burgers, Massaman curry, Avocado salad, Basil Fried rice, Tom yum soup and Yogurt chicken.

There will be superficial food for the bipartisan types in attendance such as Lemon chicken, Single-serving carrot cake and Shrimp tempura roll.

As for the Republicans they can indulge their taste buds with Mozzarella sticks, Boneless wings and Sweet and sour chicken.


City of Bristol on Life Support

October 2, 2017

The City of Bristol is on life support at Bristol Hospital, where family and friends are keeping a bedside vigil as the Mum City battles injuries sustained from repeated infighting, political scandals, revenge politics, bitter social media conflicts and a host of other self-inflicted wounds.

Doctors at the hospital say Bristol’s condition has deteriorated over the last week so it was moved to the Intensive Care Unit where it is using a ventilator to help it breathe.

Forestville, Bristol’s only child, told Boardman the city previously healed from life threatening injuries, but the prognosis this time is not good. The village is praying but is preparing to grapple with life without the city.

Bristol got its start as part of Farmington in the 1600s playing a minor role in the that town’s development, before establishing itself in the following decades.

The city carved out a niche in the subsequent centuries by having a diverse population and becoming a leader in manufacturing and recreation.

It became known for its humanitarianism when it adopted Forestville and an entrepreneurial spirit with the foresight to aid and develop Lake Compounce, ESPN and a host of other businesses.

However, in recent years, the constant strain due to ceaseless bickering and name calling has taken its toll.

Reactions from the Area

Plainville
The town of Plainville, a loyal and trusted friend, released a statement, “We’re all rallying behind Bristol to do whatever we can, and give them any help they need.”

New Britain
Wearing a green military cap and dressed in its familiar military fatigues and toking on a Cohiba cigar, the City of New Britain was silent for many moments but then said through an interpreter, “This is bad news so we will pray for our lukewarm friend.”

Southington
Although the town of Southington is saying all the right things publicly, privately it’s a different matter. Intelligence agencies picked up conversations of Southington discussing Bristol’s plight, “We are sorry to hear about this but should Bristol succumb to its injuries we should have first dibs on Lake Compounce and ESPN.”


April 20, 2017

BOARDMAN INVESTIGATES
New Medical Office Building Building In Bristol?

Rumors spread this week about the City of Bristol permitting a company to erect a medical office building in town.  Boardman sent its investigative team to determine if the rumors are true.

They are true.

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