Preview of the 2018 Pequabuck River Duck Race

May 5, 2018

Sunday, 5,000 plastic ducks will be haphazardly dumped into the Pequabuck River with a race to the finish line. The ducks are numbered with winning ticket holders taking home prizes.

The Skinny and let’s get down to the nut cracking

Event: 2018 Pequabuck River Duck Race.

Distance of the race: Unknown because no one has bothered to measure.

Where: Pequabuck River, a 19-mile river with lots of water that winds its way through Forestville.

Who’s Hot/ Who’s Not

HOT
Duck Number 12: The plastic duck had a strong showing in qualifying, finishing second at the Coppermine Brook Time Trials.

NOT
Duck Number 3162: The best thing that could happen to this duck is for it to be scuttled or lost during the race. Many believe the duck is jinxed having never finishing better than four thousandth.

Other stuff

Race day starts at 10 a.m. with the ceremonial blessing of the ducks.

The race is hosted by Bristol Chamber of Commerce and is sponsored by Hoover Vacuums, vacuums that really suck.

The proceeds raised benefit something and are used to clean stuff around the village.

Little Known Race Facts:

• To increase interest this year the race will be a relay.

• Ticket holders of the winning ducks will receive the usual bevy of prizes, but other prizes include coupons to Intimate Encounters a Forestville escort service; a Fast Pass to the Emergency Room of Bristol Hospital and a Get out of Jail Free Card courtesy of the Bristol PD.

• According to race promoters more than 70% of the fans that attend go to see if someone will fall or will be pushed into the river.

• The 2010 Pequabuck River Duck Race was called off shortly after it started due to a misunderstanding with confused duck hunters. Authorities say the Bristol Duck Hunting Club mistakenly opened fire on the plastic ducks thinking they were real. The hunters have not been charged and the matter is still being investigated eight years later.

• Race mascot Waddles the Duck will not be in attendance this year because he was slaughtered and turned into foie gras.

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Pepsi Gets Naming Rights to New Ambulatory Care Center

March 30, 2018

Bristol Hospital has inked a deal with Pepsi to be the official soft drink sponsor for their new ambulatory care center, which opens in 2019 at Centre Square in downtown Bristol.

Sugary soft drinks like soda, which can contribute to type 2 diabetes, heart disease, and other chronic conditions that ironically can be treated at Bristol Hospital, will be free for all patients during visits to the ambulatory care center.

The deal allows drink stations to be situated throughout the building so patients can drink unlimited amounts of the artificially sweetened beverages. Along with the pouring rights, the agreement also includes ad space for Pepsi products in and around the 60,000-square foot building.

Financial details were not disclosed but a spokesperson described the deal as a “win-win.”

Kurt Barwis, president and CEO of Bristol Hospital told Boardman, “With the cuts we have seen to small hospitals by the state, we believe this is a way for us to stay competitive by having corporate sponsors. Yes, Pepsi gets their name on the building but our patients receive unlimited access to really sugary drinks.”

Additional corporate sponsors are expected to be announced soon including NovoLog insulin pens being the official insulin pen of Bristol Hospital.


Inauguration Concert Follows the Inauguration

November 13, 2017

Following the swearing-in of the Mayor-elect and the City Council Monday night at Bristol Eastern High School, the following acts are appearing at a concert honoring the new mayor and city council members:

Closed Casket

Local music legend Closed Casket, a favorite of the Mayor-elect, will appear but without their legendary horn section of Mickey, Matt and Mickey. The horn section remains in Bristol Hospital following a dreadful tuning accident.

Free Beer: Local bar band set list to feature songs no one has ever heard.

Test Tube Babies: Punk Rock cover band will perform, provided they can remember how to tune their instruments and the drummer can count it off to four.

Gun Nut Crazy: The Country band is scheduled to plays songs which support the Second Amendment. It will be a quick set.

Severed Head

A Heavy Metal act that shreds children’s songs such as Row, Row, Row Your Boat, The Wheels on the Bus and many other favs.

Musical acts are not the only artists performing. There is a mixture of entertainers in the lineup including:

The Delusionist

Performing in the courtyard is Marlon J. Murlow better known as The Delusionist. Is he a conspiracy theorist? A futurist? Maybe both or all of the above.

• Was the War of 1812 a hoax?
• Is the voice in your head you or someone else?
• Is The Periodic Table of the Elements only true some of the time?

Find out as Marlon J. Murlow is The Delusionist. Half magician, half mind reader and half visionary and seer.

• Was Mount Rushmore made from natural earth erosion?
• Is there a day of the week missing?
• Did Amelia Earhart Kidnap the Lindbergh baby?

Find out as Marlon J. Murlow is The Delusionist. One third of his brain is clairvoyant the other third is not.

• Does the All-Seeing Eye have cataracts?
• Did Twentieth Century Fox sink the Titanic so they could later make a hit movie about it?
• Were antidepressants invented to stop the Great Depression?

Find out as Marlon J. Murlow is The Delusionist. Part fake, part made-up and part lies.

The Forestville Civic Ballet

The Forestville Civic Ballet will reenact Ellen’s election victory. The troupe, composed of local prima donnas, will perform the Avant guarde ballet ginned up on Diet Coke and ibproffin. The performance will last two days.

Catering

The entire event is catered by celebrity chef Wolfgang Puck and will include “Democrat friendly food” such as Croissants, Granola, Arugula, Veggie burgers, Massaman curry, Avocado salad, Basil Fried rice, Tom yum soup and Yogurt chicken.

There will be superficial food for the bipartisan types in attendance such as Lemon chicken, Single-serving carrot cake and Shrimp tempura roll.

As for the Republicans they can indulge their taste buds with Mozzarella sticks, Boneless wings and Sweet and sour chicken.


City of Bristol on Life Support

October 2, 2017

The City of Bristol is on life support at Bristol Hospital, where family and friends are keeping a bedside vigil as the Mum City battles injuries sustained from repeated infighting, political scandals, revenge politics, bitter social media conflicts and a host of other self-inflicted wounds.

Doctors at the hospital say Bristol’s condition has deteriorated over the last week so it was moved to the Intensive Care Unit where it is using a ventilator to help it breathe.

Forestville, Bristol’s only child, told Boardman the city previously healed from life threatening injuries, but the prognosis this time is not good. The village is praying but is preparing to grapple with life without the city.

Bristol got its start as part of Farmington in the 1600s playing a minor role in the that town’s development, before establishing itself in the following decades.

The city carved out a niche in the subsequent centuries by having a diverse population and becoming a leader in manufacturing and recreation.

It became known for its humanitarianism when it adopted Forestville and an entrepreneurial spirit with the foresight to aid and develop Lake Compounce, ESPN and a host of other businesses.

However, in recent years, the constant strain due to ceaseless bickering and name calling has taken its toll.

Reactions from the Area

Plainville
The town of Plainville, a loyal and trusted friend, released a statement, “We’re all rallying behind Bristol to do whatever we can, and give them any help they need.”

New Britain
Wearing a green military cap and dressed in its familiar military fatigues and toking on a Cohiba cigar, the City of New Britain was silent for many moments but then said through an interpreter, “This is bad news so we will pray for our lukewarm friend.”

Southington
Although the town of Southington is saying all the right things publicly, privately it’s a different matter. Intelligence agencies picked up conversations of Southington discussing Bristol’s plight, “We are sorry to hear about this but should Bristol succumb to its injuries we should have first dibs on Lake Compounce and ESPN.”


April 20, 2017

BOARDMAN INVESTIGATES
New Medical Office Building Building In Bristol?

Rumors spread this week about the City of Bristol permitting a company to erect a medical office building in town.  Boardman sent its investigative team to determine if the rumors are true.

They are true.

UNRELATED STORIES

– Politifact Rates Itself “Mostly False”

– Rasmussen Hires Illegals To Poll One-Hundred People – Respondents Hospitalized As Workers Unaware Of Homonyms In English

– Southington School Board Votes 4.3 To 2.7 To Stop Teaching Fractions


Bristol Hospital Going Out Of Business Sale?

February 14, 2017

going-out-of-business-01

If Governor Malloy’s proposal to levy a property tax on nonprofit hospitals goes through, Bristol Hospital could go out of business, said Bristol Hospital president and CEO Kurt Barwis Saturday.

Given the dire prognosis, the 96-year-old hospital will be forced to sell all of its assets to the bare walls. Said Barwis, “The prices are so low I will be practically giving everything away!”

In a commercial spot to air upon bankruptcy, Barwis guarantees that “unlike blood clots, nothing will be held back!”

“Creditors have given Bristol Hospital three months to live, so we’re having a going-out-of-business sale. Faster than an enema on constipation, everything must go!

“We took a bone saw to prices on all equipment and supplies. Surgical Care, Diagnostic Imaging, Intensive Care – we’re pulling the plug on all departments! No reasonable offer will be refused. Unreasonable offers won’t be either.

“Check out our beds. They go up and down!

“All gurneys priced to move!

“Buy four gently used speculums, get a bedpan free!

“Bartenders, mix your next drink with our blood transfusion machines!

“Parents, imagine the fun your kids will have when they ride in and out of their very own MRI machine. Whoops! Watch those metal braces.

“And what says, ‘I love you’ more than getting your special someone birthing stirrups from the Bristol Hospital.

“And guys, don’t forget the sale on all items in our popular Pharmacy.

“Bristol Hospital will not be undersold. We beat competitors’ prices to a concussive subdural hematoma. Like death, all sales must be final. So come on down to 41 Brewster Road for the Grand Opening of our Grand Closing! Bristol Hospital – Our prices are clinically insaaaaaane!”


Proposed Medical Building Could Receive Facelift

February 20, 2016

DSCN6193

According to a recent survey, residents of Forestville/Bristol believe the proposed 100,000 square foot medical office building to be constructed by Bristol Hospital on the former mall property is in a word “really freaking boring.” Building planners say it is as exciting as lint.

City leaders and hospital administrators concede the proposed building is not inspiring. Therefore, they are looking to expand their idea and have a variety of businesses in the medical building. “Just because it is a medical building doesn’t mean it can’t be exciting and sexy,” remarked Aretha Ezra, a member of the development team.

Cabaret Lounge 03The project will now include retail and entertainment as part of the venture. “Women can have a mammogram and then get their nails done in the Medical Nail Boutique, and the men can enjoy a cocktail and a lap dance in the Cabaret Lounge, while the girlfriend or wife is having her glucose checked. There is something for everyone,” Ms. Ezra stated.

Other forms of amusement include batting cages in radiology; a billiards room, a fun house and a water slide near billing. A speakeasy on the fourth floor is being planned and a dance club in the Ophthalmology Department.

Residents are now invigorated about the medical building, “This is way hip,” said Chauncey Chalmers. “I can pay my bill, have blood work done and shoot some stick while waiting for the lab results.”

Limited Time