Countdown to Highway Toll Booths

December 4, 2018

Due to the election of Democrat Ned Lamont as Connecticut’s next governor, the countdown to highway tolls in the Nutmeg State has begun.

The Democrats have solid majorities in the House and the Senate so the only thing standing between toll gantries and Connecticut motorists are the republicans, and they, according to the Sierra Club, are a critically endangered species in the Connecticut legislature.

Democratic leaders, Sen. President Martin Looney (New Haven), Speaker of the House Joe Aresimowicz (Berlin), and House Majority Leader Matt Ritter, admitted to experiencing intense, pleasurable sensations when the words “toll booths” are mentioned. The trio recently told Boardman photos of toll booths excite them too in ways they have not experienced since they were teenagers.

Frustrated, Connecticut motorists are taking their case to a higher authority.

Pope Francis has agreed to do the rosary each day for Connecticut motorists and instructed Jesuit Father Fréderic Fornos, who heads the Pope’s Worldwide Prayer Network, to have Catholics around the world pray away toll booth legislation.

Many Forestville residents along with State Representatives Cara Pavalock, Whit Betts and State Senator Henri Martin are joining the prayer group.

Forestville residents are appreciative of the local legislators involvement and their help to try and defeat the measure, but many feel they are still doomed so they have enlisted the help of a Shaman.

The Forestville Fire Department when reached had no comment about the matter.

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Fear and Loathing in Forestville Part 1

November 3, 2018

It was a lazy Tuesday night and I was sitting at the bar at the DoubeTree watching a ballgame on TV while nursing a Rum and Coke, with ice. A stranger sat down next to me and soon the conversation turned to local politics. My plan was to stay out of this election, but with a familiar Forestville twang he stated, “This election needs an ombudsman.” I paused before finishing my drink and responded in the affirmative with, “Yeah.”

The stranger seemed satisfied and tossing some bar nuts down his throat, he was off to bother someone else. I took to my journal with a Faber No. 2 pencil and putting lead to paper wrote, “Time to write a Roman a clef, perhaps?”

At the moment the 2018 election was beyond my ken so my attention diverted back to the game. In an effort to remain consistent, I ordered another Rum and Coke, with ice.

Monday July 9
Another day, another mailing arrives. “Jesus! I swear one more of these and I’m going to be checking into a mental health facility. These bullet point screeds are bright, colorful and say nothing,” I railed aloud to the workmen at the house.

Tuesday July 30
Scouring the Bristol Press for local election news, I felt like King Arthur searching the Holy Land in vain for the Grail. The newspaper is littered with arrests but no policy pieces, no debates and no Letters to the Editor. I am a few weeks into this and need a door of egress.

Friday August 17

On a clear night, I was in a home located in the Peoples Republic of Chippens Hill attending a Republican fundraiser with about 70 people. No one can understand the sheer horror I experienced during this visit. Chants of Trump, Trump Trump!, echoed threw the home, out the replacement windows and into the Farmington Valley.

Madness surrounded me. There was a man in the corner reenacting Trump’s Inaugural Address, and the small group surrounding him was spellbound. On the other side of the room, another man was reciting President Ford’s 1976 convention speech. No one was paying attention to him.

There were readings from the Necronomicon, backwards singing priests, and the exchange of sacred fluids. That was before the appetizers! I smiled and said little fearing I would have been chased like the Frankenstein monster with pitchforks and torches.

Saturday September 1

I was invited to an outdoor party held by the Democrats on Federal Hill. The invitation was written in Sanskrit on vintage paper. Arriving late, I observed in my journal, “An idyllic neighborhood ladened with sidewalks and trees, which probably change colors in the fall too. A liberal paradise.”

The talk at lunch was of “sun salutations, yoga mats, Hybrid cars, I love what you have done with your hair and guacamole.” A thought was given to visiting a thrift store later, but that discussion ceases once the pâté was brought out.

At one point during this fête, the Democrats round themselves up and everyone holds hands to celebrate this communal circle jerk.

I scarfed down the guacamole and the pâté and planned my escape because I could not handle the cream cheese and kimchee that was coming from the kitchen. Before returning to the safety of Forestville though, I drove myself to Bristol Hospital to have my stomach pumped.

Tuesday October 23
Did I have a stomach flu or was I just upset watching Henri Martin at the debate?

Thursday November 1
This election has been boring so it could use some good old-fashioned voter suppression to fire things up. I wonder, do the Republican candidates (Cara, Whit and Henri) watch with envious eyes what is happening in Georgia? Yeah, that was a cheap shot, I know. I aim to do better.

Saturday November 3
Elections are like Viet-effing-nam, man! It is the Fog of War and once you are in you can’t get out. However, through the fog, I see a light at the end of the tunnel and it is Wednesday, November 7th, 2018.


Meghan Kelly Seeks Employment with The Roundup and the Bristol Observer

November 2, 2018

Meghan Kelly’s days at NBC are nearly over due to her comments about blackface and Halloween. Currently, her representatives are negotiating the terms of her release from the network after 13 months on the job.

She does not want to be out of work long so a variety of sources told Boardman Ms. Kelly is actively taking meetings with media outlets in the area.

Last week she toured the local public access station Nutmeg TV because she has an idea for a program. Nutmeg told her they don’t have any slots available at the moment, but she is welcome to take a production class to learn how to use their equipment.

Tuesday, she met with Mike Uchalid of The Roundup, the popular online magazine covering local news. “I thought she might be able to get to the bottom of this Cara (Pavalock-D’Amato) school closing thing. Lol!”, Mr. Uchalid told Boardman. “We were not able to come to terms, but she is now a subscriber. Lol!”

Ms. Kelly was later approached by The Bristol Observer, a right leaning weekly newspaper. Editor Mike Chaiken said she proposed writing a column called “Meghan Kelly’s Idle Thoughts.” Among the idle thoughts she wished to express in the form of a column:

What is wrong with indentured servitude? At least these people have jobs!
Who says you can’t yell Fire! in a crowded theater? Pff!
Don’t be Fooled, the Easter Bunny is white and so is the Tooth Fairy!

Mr. Chaiken politely declined.

Not to be deterred, Kelly is scheduled to meet with Edward Clarkin of the Bristol Press next week. She is interested in covering the daily record of arrests and other lurid events that the newspaper has recently made their livelihood.


State Legislators Have Ability to Predict Future

October 30, 2018

Bristol State Legislators Henri Martin, Cara Pavalock-D’Amato and Whit Betts predicted two years ago there would be a state budget deficit.

Incredibly, according to the Budget Office, their prophecy was fulfilled because there was a deficit last year, there is a deficit this year and there will be a deficit next year too!

Based on this new-found ability to predict future events, the trio announced they will do Tarot Card readings at Rodd’s Restaurant this weekend.

For $10.99 you can have two farm fresh eggs cooked-to-order, your choice of breakfast meats, a farmhouse side, buttery biscuits, and your fortune told too! Tax and Gratuity are not included.

No word if they can heal the injured, bend spoons with their minds or make people disap…


Forestville’s Most Popular Halloween Costumes

October 28, 2018

Halloween is only a few days away and it is no surprise that Fortnite is the number one trending costume nationally. However, locally the story is much different.

Forestville retailers report local politician costumes are all the rage this year.

Costume designers have many orders for the Cara Pavalock-D’Amato outfit, and it is easy to see why. The fashionably stylistic costume wraps itself in the words of the Second Amendment and comes replete with a toy gun, toy gun permit, toy ammo, toy bump stock and a toy background check leaving no doubt where one stands on the issue of firearms. The costume is a favorite among second amendments supporters, strict constitutionalists and some shut-ins.

If one fan fancies a vintage costume, look no further than the Whit Betts because it can never be considered out of style. Coming with a Whit Betts plastic mask, Maglio Men’s Loafer and a wool sweater, it has a relaxed look and great appeal. The Chippens Hill crowd is simply boffo or rather “corps perdu” over it.

The Halloween costume resembling Mayor Ellen Zoppo-Sassu is very efficient and comes with study materials, and an itinerary. However, there are two versions. One with a hot, caramel, salted something-or-other Starbucks coffee, and the second without.

Unfortunately, retailers say the Henri Martin costume has under performed. The industry had such high hopes for the Henri Martin, but based on his performance at the debate last Tuesday the costume can only be found now in the horror section of novelty stores.


A Review of the 2018 Chamber of Commerce Debate

October 25, 2018

Review of the 2018 Chamber of Commerce Debate
by The Mole

The 2018 Chamber of Commerce Debate was held Tuesday night at St. Paul Catholic High School.

The debate started at 6 with the doors being unlocked at 5:29 and opening at 5:30.

Boardman did not attend so The Mole went in his place.

5:50
Boardman loathes these events so here I sit again with a lady friend.

The crowd is well-behaved but sparse. Check this out. Echo…echo…echo…Now batting…bat-ting…bat-ting. Manny…Manny…Manny. Mo-ta…Mo-ta…Mo-ta.

Anyway, here we go. All times are Forestville time because that is how I roll.

6:00
To prove our patriotism the festivities get started with The Pledge of Allegiance. The Pledge is done at council meetings, and the national anthem is sung at ballgames, why do we not show our patriotism while pumping gas?

6:05
State rep candidates start us off but first…wait for it…the ritualistic “Flaunting of the Resumes”! Boooor-ing! It might work if they were sponsored.

6:08
Some of the acoustic tiles in the ceiling need to be replaced. As a result, this is a good time as any to practice my counting. Here we go: one, two, three…

6:10
Hardly anyone here and there are seats everywhere, but this “Johnny Come Lately” clown sits directly in front of us. W…T…F!

6:20
A question about working across the aisle. I wonder: should I giggle now or wait for the answers?

6:21
Do I browse Zillow or organize the apps on my phone?

6:33
Did I just hear thunder or is that Allan Marko speaking?

6:34
Both.

6:40
Intermission. Which side of the stage does the Zamboni come out?

6:55
They should shoot t-shirts into the crowd that say, “I Survived the Chamber of Commerce Debate 2018”.

7:05
Senate candidates are up.

Henri, opening statement. Listening…listening…do you want cheese with that whine, sir?

7:15
What is up with Henri tonight? My goodness he is an angry puppy. Can the republicans call a timeout and draw up a play for him?

7:15
Healthcare question…this should be interesting.

Henri is stalling.

Chris wavered a little.

Me to my lady friend: Wake me when they come up with an answer.

7:18
I ceased paying attention at 7:15.

7:25
It’s over? Why is everyone applauding? It wasn’t that good.

Analyzing Some of the Candidates

Cara
Way better than 2016. Being the only candidate on stage not wearing glasses must be frustrating, and a terrible burden so a tip of the hat to her.

However, one complaint; okay two.

1) She wrapped herself in the American flag during her dismount. Egads! We get it you love the United States. Who here doesn’t?
2) What is a working-class attorney? I thought lawyers flossed their teeth with twenty-dollar bills.

Henri
Ay Yi Yi! Where even to start?

Let’s keep this simple. Did he really vote 99% of the time with his party leadership? I hope he at least got a gift basket with an assortment of tiny bath soaps for doing that.

And what’s this about never calling the newly elected Mayor of Bristol, one of the towns youuuu represent? I know Ziogas called. I heard Whit called. I bet Cara thought of calling. Come on…Henri.

Whit
He was “okay” but I was disappointed he did not handout bushels of corn or offer free tractor rides.

Chris
Chris did very well. However, he gets shorter every time I see him sitting, and he needs to make up his mind on tolls. Can’t be necessarily for them and necessarily against them dude. That’s so Rand Paul.

Marko
If he does not win – voice over work. Trust me.

Ziogas
Okay, enough with the tolls. On behalf of everyone living, Uncle!

Closing:
Politicians are many things and the ones on stage tonight appeared genuine. However, when 50 residents show up for a debate, one hopes the sacrifice of their time, effort and energy is worth while. For the voters it seems it is not.

Postscript:
The end is near and soon it will be time to move on.


Preview of the 2018 Chamber of Commerce Candidate Forum

October 23, 2018

The candidate forum for state office seekers from Bristol/Forestville is tonight in the auditorium of St. Paul Catholic High School beginning at 6 p.m.

The Who, What, Where, and When of the Forum

• What are we talking about here? Bristol Senate and House Forum.

• Who is Participating? Cara, Fuller, Whit, the Marko guy, Tippecanoe and Henri Martin too, Chris Wright, Ziogas and the guy that worked at Bristol Hospital (I can’t think of his name as I write this but it will come to me).

• Where? St. Paul Catholic High School, Auditorium. For those coming from Chippens Hill and Federal Hill, St. Paul is located in the Northeast Section of town. No, you don’t need to be inoculated nor do you need a passport so don’t ask.

• When? Tuesday, October 23, 2018 A.D.

• Time: 6 p.m. (Forestville Time)

• What to Expect? Not much.

The crowd will be light because voters like to complain and not vote. Plus, it is going up against This is Us and Game 1 of the World Series.

Pre-debate mingling is expected so because it is a high school the powerful and connected people will mingle with the powerful and connected people, while the potato eaters will mingle with the potato eaters.

Residents are encouraged to attend but not to pay attention.

BOARDMAN PREDICTIONS
(Let’s Get Down to the Nut Cracking)

Prediction #1, audio problems: A microphone will fail and someone will not be heard.

Prediction #2: A candidate’s time will expire and the buzzer of death will reign upon them.

Prediction: #3 The crowd will be reminded not to applaud. They will defy the Great Moderator making an enemy of he.

HERE IS WHAT NOSTRADAMUS PREDICTED ABOUT THE 2018 CHAMBER OF COMMERCE CANDIDATE FORUM

Quatrain #1
Rep. Cara Pavalock-D’Amato, Republican incumbent in the 77th House District, versus Democratic challenger, Kevin Fuller:

“The person of gold (translation: Cara) will speak a word or two and many more for her no vote on pay equity for women and her “nay” on the bump stock ban. Without thy armor, one wound becomes two and thrice elected will be no more. To ignore, ruin may fall on thee.”

Quatrain #2
Rep. Whit Betts, Republican incumbent in the 78th House District, versus his Democratic challenger, Allen Marko:

“The man with the booming voice (translation: Marko) will shake thy earth and no one shall be given quarter.”

Quatrain #3
Rep. Chris Ziogas, Democratic incumbent in the 79th House District, versus Republican challenger, who’s name still escapes me but I swear it will come to me by the end of this piece.

“The man with the mark of the Z (translation: Chris Ziogas) will make idols of tolls and speak of a bountiful treasure. However, a soothsayer he is not for alas a self inflicting wound he could succumb.”

Quatrain #4
Sen. Henri Martin, Republican incumbent in the 31st Senate District, versus Democratic challenger, Chris Wright.

“The Senator from the 31 warns of a heinous reprobate (translation: CTfastrack). In his bleak and gloomy assessment, citizens held captive by DOT Antichrist will swim in reservoirs of blood, and parish a death deserved. For many a generation plus two, not a rainbow nor a butterfly will be. The earth lay uninhabitable by man or by fish. For if they don’t, folly and buffoonery shall be his.”

CLOSING

I remain undecided about attending the forum as of publishing. What’s the point in attending? Currently, I am in search of an incentive and or motivation. Anyone out there have one? If so can I borrow it?

P.S. The name still escapes me. No disrespect intended but the hour grows late and I grow tired.