Governor Making Changes to Christmas

December 24, 2016

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Responding to charges of insensitivity at this time of year, Governor Malloy okayed a new regulation mandating all stores, malls and churches to post “trigger warnings” for people who do not wish to be exposed to Christmas-related celebrations and sale-a-brations.

Christmas songs will be banned from public airwaves. They will be replaced by neutral holiday music, such as “The Little Drummer Person” and “Have Yourself a Satisfactory Differently-Sized Holiday” by Crystal and the Mother Gaia Orchestra.

The new regulation also prohibits employees and visitors to state office buildings from wearing Christmas sweaters with images of reindeer and elves. Underscoring the seriousness of the issue, the ringing of jingle bells or any other percussion instrument that sounds Christmassy on state owned property are banned too.

Safe spaces will also be available for noncelebrants to shelter in. The rooftops of these shelters have been designated as “no go” zones for Santa Claus.


A Merry Christmas Cookbook from the City Council

December 4, 2016

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BOARDMAN EXCLUSIVE

• City councilors share their holiday recipes from artichokes to zucchini
• City councilors finally agree on something “Everyone eats food”

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Celebrate the holidays this year with the Bristol City Council as they spread Christmas mirth with the publication of their holiday recipe book entitled, The Bristol City Council Christmas Cookbook. Using all of their culinary talents the city councilors and mayor as well, make holiday cooking a delight with their vast collection of Christmas recipes.

Calvin’s Cookies!

Councilor Calvin Brown gets the book off to a tasty start with his Gingerbread cookie recipe. Yes, the directions are 16 pages and yes they are tedious and yes they include instructions on how to eat, chew and digest the cookies. However, the confections are wonderful and worth the hassle.

In the interest of bi-partisanship City Councilors for the Second District, Dave Preleski and Jodi Zils Gagne contribute their delicious Cornish Game Hen recipe. Mr. Perleski says the garlic provides its unique taste while Mrs. Zils Gagne says it’s the rosemary. The debate will wage forever no doubt! Either way, everyone agrees, it is a splendid recipe for the holidays.

Add a pinch of herbs, four cubes of beef bouillon and some cornstarch, onions and a few other ingredients no one has ever heard of and Voila! you have a tasty tasting Christmas stew from the kitchen of councilor Dave Mills.

Mary Fortier makes a terrific contribution by offering up her popular Tiramisu recipe. Mmm-mm. Delish! The tasty coffee-flavored Italian custard dessert is popular with republicans, democrats and even Green Party members. Who knew? No doubt it is the extra rum she adds due to those tough nights on the council.

What do you get when Anthony D’Amato takes over a kitchen for the holidays? You get a Mussels, Cabbage and Onion sandwich recipe. Um…yeah. Okay. Moving forward.

The mayor finishes the tome with his delightful recipes for homemade eggnog, rack of lamb, soft-boiled fetal duck, Sunday rib roast, Christmas goose and humble pie.

The book retails for $19.95 and is on sale wherever books are sold in Forestville and Bristol, if there is any place that still does.

Due to the sensitive nature of some of the recipes, portions of the book are only available via an FOI request.

All proceeds go to Bristol’s various legal expenses.


A Christmas Miracle

December 24, 2015
Stressed Santa

Stressed Santa

This year has been a tough year for Santa Claus.

The Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) threatened to shut down Santa’s Workshop in June, saying it resembled a Kardashian Sweat Shop.

Later that month, the elves’ labor contract expired and during contract negotiations they demanded health care benefits be extended to same sex life-partners.

Hermey the Elf

Hermey the Elf

Numerous minority groups, including the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP), spent the summer picketing at the North Pole protesting the lack of minorities represented in Santa’s Workshop.

And the National Organization of Women (NOW) demanded equal pay for equal work for the female elves.

The situation was not improved when Santa threatened to replace the elves with scab leprechauns and the reindeer with a gas powered sled because People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) was complaining about animal rights.

Scab leprechaun

Scab

Desperate, the Forestville law firm of Voleur, Tricher and Diablo was retained as counsel by Santa and mediated a deal between the parties. They agreed on a four-year pact that extended same sex benefits to the elves, and a guarantee that minority elves would be hired and female elves would receive equal pay for equal work all in time for Christmas.

It is truly a Christmas miracle.


Vlad the Impaler Christmas Cards Are Back!

December 19, 2015
Vlad the Impaler Christmas Card

Vlad the Impaler Christmas Card

In 2010 two Forestville artists designed a Vlad the Impaler Christmas Card because they felt the greeting card market needed the 15th Century figure.

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The card showed the Romanian ruler impaling a Christmas elf as he hung an ornament on a tree. The card proved to be popular, especially among 15th century aficionados. However, tired of hearing Vlad the Impaler cards did not have enough Christmas spirit, they replaced it with a new card featuring Genghis Khan.

Designers anticipated the founder of the Mongol Empire would evoke the festive spirit of the holiday. However, Genghis has not sold as well.

The designers realized his appeal was too regional and he wasn’t as beloved a figure as they imagined. Non-Mongolian customers pointedly complained that the emperor was an even less festive figure for the season. “Even though he marauded 800 years ago, it’s apparently still too soon to bring him back,” one of the artists said.

Too soon?

Too soon?

So, they brought the “Vlad the Impaler” card back for the holidays where it now sells exclusively at select shops in Forestville.


No Fights During Black Friday – Residents Disappointed

November 28, 2015

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This morning Forestville retailers reported that no brawls, melees or fracases occurred during Black Friday shopping, much to the disappointment of local residents. “I so wanted an all-out brawl; a real barn burner you know,” said Dewey Jasper. “I look forward to fights between bargain hunters. It’s part of Christmas.”

Zack Flanders was disappointed too. “What is wrong with people? Don’t they know fights are expected? Where was the hair pulling, the kicking with the yelling and the screaming?”

According to Mr. Flanders people need unruly Black Friday shoppers descending into violence, “People want the violence. They need the violence they crave the violence. I guess in some way it’s a gift. When Christmas shoppers don’t fight it is selfish because the fighting makes us feel better about ourselves, and that in and of itself is the spirit of Christmas,” he observed.

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Madness

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Vlad the Impaler Christmas Cards designed in the Ville

December 19, 2010

A draft of the Vlad the Impaler Christmas Card

Forestville retailers have been selling an unusual Christmas card this holiday season, the Vlad the Impaler Christmas Card.  The card designed by two Forestville residents, who wish not to be identified, have been appearing in village shops for several weeks.

The card shows the Romanian ruler impaling a Christmas elf as he hangs an ornament on a tree.  According to several with intimate knowledge of the project, the humorous cards have sold out.  No world on whether additional cards will be produced or sold.

 


More problems for Forestville’s Tanner family

December 4, 2010

Smokey the Cat Injured

More problems for Forestville’s Tanner family.  Ted and Nancy Tanner’s youngest child Timmy yanked a limb to their Christmas tree causing the evergreen to fall on himself Saturday.  Timmy was not injured in the accident but the family cat Smokey was impaled by the star on top of the tree.  The cat was rushed to a local veterinarian, treated for his injuries and released after lunch.  According to Ted Tanner, Smokey is resting comfortably.