Council Meeting Postponed

February 12, 2019

The February City Council meeting scheduled for today was postponed until tomorrow due to a winter storm.

Wiping tears from one eye, Councilman Josh Medeiros made the announcement at a midday press conference at City Hall just prior to lunch.

Council members practiced their Yea! and Nay! calls Tuesday morning at the nearby fire station, and then came to City Hall to make a decision about tonight’s meeting.

Disappointed republicans went to Bristol Pizza and practiced sitting in the back of the council chambers, and cooking up conspiracies.

Council meeting fans arrived early too, but were soon disappointed. Bucky the City Council Beaver and city council mascot, attempted to cheer up disappointed citizens but it was useless as they held signs and chanted “Let them Vote!”

Wednesday night, Councilman Dave Preleski is expected to throw out the first ordinance prior to reading the Real Estate Transactions. Due to Mr. Preleski’s doggedness and commitment to the Real Estate Transactions, his readings are known to go beyond curfew so residents should prepare accordingly.

The varsity is scheduled to start at 7PM following the conclusion of the JV meeting, which starts at 6:45.

District 2 council member Peter Kelley with an E did not appear in this article until now, and that is unfortunate because this is the end.

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City Hall Ushers in February

February 3, 2019

Friday, shortly before 10 am, the City of Bristol welcomed the month of February with a ribbon-cutting ceremony at City Hall.

City councilors Greg Hahn and Peter Kelley with an E were in attendance and made remarks. Mr. Hahn, speaking from his diaphragm and using a multitude of hand gestures to make big points, thanked the citizenry for attending and then thanked a laundry list of people and organizations for making February possible including: Princess Grace, Eleanor Roosevelt, Harriet Tubman, Lord Byron, Michio Kaku, Oliver Cromwell, King Henry the VIII, the Battle of Saratoga, Tupac, Hulk Hogan, Evonne Goolagong, Boris Becker, Seiji Ozawa, the Ghostbusters, Sir Francis of Assisi, Sir Francis Drake, Drakes Cakes, Walt “Clyde” Frazier, the Budweiser Frogs, Florence Nightingale, Charles Drew, Bristol High School Class of 1958, Sitting Bull, Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely-Hearts Club Band (Reprise), and…∞.

Around noon the next day he completed his remarks and then began playing random selections from the Great American Songbook on his recently tuned trumpet. However, half way thru his second set while Mr. Hahn cleaned the spit valve and spoke of life’s paradoxes between songs and the afternoon shadows began to consume the parking lot, Peter Kelley with an E seized the microphone and asked, “Lunch anyone?”

The proceedings came to an abrupt end and the remaining crowd adjourned to Main Street Pint & Plate for some brews, cold cuts and a few more tunes.

A good time was had bad all and now they eagerly await March.


Mayor Issues Reminders for the New Year

December 27, 2018

As the New Year approaches, Bristol Mayor Ellen Zoppo-Sassu recently issued a series of New Year reminders for the citizenry of Bristol and Forestville.

Meeting at her office and while nursing a Hot Salted Caramel Mocha Coffee brewed at 120 degrees and filed half way in a large cup with sugar-free sugar, a splash of soy milk and whipped cream resembling the image of former Chief Justice Earl Warren, the mayor said everyone should have a capable and trusted Gregorian wall calendar. “The 11″x17″ Calendar should run from NOW through December 31, 2019, have thick paper and the days and months be in chronological order.”

Snow will be upon us soon so the mayor urges everyone to have their snowblowers maintenanced posthaste. The mayor made it known that, “Spark plugs must be inspected after every season, and replaced as needed. If they require replacing, the spark plug should be tightened using properly calibrated socket wrenches. These are sound and capable strategies.”

On the grammar front, she wants citizens to not use “as” when “because” is meant, and in the “it’s” versus “its” debate use “it is” when in doubt. However, she refused to weigh in on the “which” versus “that” controversy.

Not to be outdone members of the city council, headed by Peter Kelley with an e and Greg Hahn with an ahn (Mr. Mills was not available as he was preparing for football games this weekend), have the following reminders for citizens:

• Dial 1 when calling long distance
• Get out of credit card debt pronto
• The tuning pitch for a tuba is (Bb)
• Protect the football and force turnovers
• Proofread by reading out loud
• Always remember to read the fine print
• File your income tax returns early
• Late in tight baseball games trade outs for runs

The mayor and city council both recommend residents stay close to home this weekend, and wait for further instructions.


DOT Announces Route 6 Construction to be a Part of Bristol Forever

December 22, 2018

Friday, the state of Connecticut Department of Transportation announced that construction on Route 6 in Bristol and the resulting traffic delays will exist into perpetuity. “We have no plans to ever finish the project,” said DOT Commissioner James P. Redeker. “It will go on and on and on. Our crews will be there forever paving, putting in curbs, digging; you name it.”

The Bristol Chamber of Commerce, seeing this as an opportunity, have decided to make the Route 6 construction a tourist destination. “No reason why we can’t make this an attraction,” remarked spokesperson Dusty Robbins. “We plan to put in picnic tables, LED lighting and port-o-lets so people can watch traffic and road construction.”

City council members expressed concern about the DOT announcement, but Mayor Ellen Zoppo-Sassu told them their worries are unfounded, “When the first settlers came to this area and what the Tunxis Tribe called the ‘Great Forest’, this is exactly what they had in mind. Traffic and a tourist destination. It was a good strategy then and it is a good strategy now.”

The Forestville Fire Department declined to comment about this matter.


Ribbon Cutting Ceremony to Usher in Cold and Flu Season

November 20, 2018

Friday morning, Connecticut Governor Dannel Malloy and many local dignitaries will be at City Hall to attend a ribbon-cutting ceremony ushering in the cold and flu season for 2018/2019.

The community is encouraged to attend the ceremony, which will take place at 11 a.m. near the north entrance and include several short speeches and songs about the flu. “Every year there are three million flu cases in the U.S. It spreads easily but it’s partly preventable. I encourage everyone to read my essay about this,” Bristol Mayor Ellen Zoppo-Sassu remarked at a press conference promoting the event.

Notable dignitaries attending include: the Secretary of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services Alex Azar, the Connecticut Department Health Commissioner Raul Pino, the Bristol City Council, and Forestville citizen, a well-known chronic cold and flu sufferer, Limping Larry.

Later that evening, a Cold and Flu Gala will be held at Chippanee Country Club from 7-10. There will be a buffet, open bar and a silent auction of cold and flu remedies. Attendees will be eligible to receive a flu shot provided they have insurance.


War of the Worlds

October 31, 2018

Introduction

We know now that in the early years of the 21st century Bristol was being watched closely. As residents busied themselves about their various concerns they were scrutinized and studied from afar with envious eyes, who slowly and surely drew their plans. In the 19th year of the twenty first century, near the end of October, the mood was tense and the following events unfolded:

The Story

At approximately 8:50 Forestville time Tuesday night, it was reported that an object, resembling a caravan, crashed in the area of Witches Rock in Bristol. Arriving at the scene reporters noted a deep impression in the ground and plumes of smoke. The resulting crash was heard by a fisherman as far west as Forestville along Broad Street in a fishing haunt known by locals as the 72 Run.

Eyewitnesses reported multiple figures coming out from the shadows of the crashed caravan. They appeared human, all ages all sizes. The scene was indescribable. “My God it is the migrant caravan from Honduras!” one man shouted. Many screamed, many more fell to their knees and wailed, “Why God? Why?”

This became the most extraordinary experience. Words . . .

State police soon arrived and the gathered crowd kept their distance, ever mindful, ever fearful.

A man soon approached cautiously. He had a white handkerchief tied to a pole, a flag of truce. A woman, standing off to the side, yelled out, “Wait! Something’s happening. Good Lord the area is being overrun by…”

Within the hour, State Senator Henri Martin took to a ham radio, “Of the creatures at Witches Rock, I can give you no authoritative information – either as to their nature, their origin, or their purposes in Bristol. However, they are clearly armed with leprosy, smallpox and tuberculosis. It’s all too evident that they are merely here to take over, get social welfare benefits and steal IDs.”

According to Martin, shortly after 10:00 PM, the mayor’s office received a text. At least forty people, in the village of Forestville had their IDs stolen. “See it happens that fast,” he said.

Near midnight and I am atop City Hall; an air raid siren screeches warning residents to evacuate the city as more caravan’s approach the downtown area. Route 6 is hopelessly jammed. All communication is gone, no Wi-Fi. One bar, maybe two tops. Services are being held at St. Anthony’s. Below me Republicans are standing along North Main Street with signs, “We Told You So!”

A caravan is now in sight. Reinforced by multiple caravans. Will they release their diseases?

A bulletin was just handed to me. Caravans full of migrants are appearing all over the country, Chicago, Amarillo, Richmond, and even Afton, Wyoming. They approach like an invading army. In the distance, I see the City Council and they are running to the Pequabuck; all six of them dive in. The river takes them away. People fleeing but it’s no use. This is the end. They are 100 hundred yards away . . . fifty feet . . . a Dunkin Donuts…

Epitaph

Night has given way to morning and a sense of hope.

Setting out from City Hall and headed east, the occasional motorist passes. For two hours I wander down the Boulevard, crossing Middle Street to Pine Street to Route 72 and on to Forestville. Will I find the village desolate?

The hour is nearing midday and I make my way pass the post office. Crossing the Pequabuck I find it strange to see people strolling along the green in harmony.

Only a few hours previous, there was paranoia and fear. Nearing Manross Library I hear a baying dog and wonder, “Will it take the ravages of suffering and turmoil to put us back together?”

As autumns leaves swirl through the air, I turn my collar up to shield my face from a brisk, cold wind and continue my journey home.

END

For the Mercury and a certain coach.

Adaptation from H.G. Wells (novel) Howard Koch (radio adaptation).


Democrats Eat Food Raise Money

October 21, 2018

Bristol Democrats braved the cold Thursday night and gathered in the North End, and the safety of the Polish Club for their annual dinner.

Tickets were priced at $25 each or $45 for two. The dinner was free if you decided not to attend and stay home.

Rank and file Democrats came from every voting district in town including the Peoples Republic of Chippens Hill. The two known registered democrats were surprisingly issued travel papers, and allowed to the attend the event but under a watchful eye by the Chippens Hill Travel Authority.

The menu featured Baked Ziti, Meatballs, Roasted Potatoes and Tossed Salad. This event was for a bunch of lefties, which left many wondering where were the avocados, the granola and the tofu?

Door prizes for the night were leftovers, candidate lawn signs and opportunities to take photos of important people. In some instances, the rank and file potato eaters were allowed to be in the photos with the important people.

The guest list included Hartford Mayor Luke Bronin, and some lawyer running for Attorney General. According to a source, noted liberals Yo-Yo Ma and Barbra Streisand were unable to attend.