Democrats Eat Food Raise Money

October 21, 2018

Bristol Democrats braved the cold Thursday night and gathered in the North End, and the safety of the Polish Club for their annual dinner.

Tickets were priced at $25 each or $45 for two. The dinner was free if you decided not to attend and stay home.

Rank and file Democrats came from every voting district in town including the Peoples Republic of Chippens Hill. The two known registered democrats were surprisingly issued travel papers, and allowed to the attend the event but under a watchful eye by the Chippens Hill Travel Authority.

The menu featured Baked Ziti, Meatballs, Roasted Potatoes and Tossed Salad. This event was for a bunch of lefties, which left many wondering where were the avocados, the granola and the tofu?

Door prizes for the night were leftovers, candidate lawn signs and opportunities to take photos of important people. In some instances, the rank and file potato eaters were allowed to be in the photos with the important people.

The guest list included Hartford Mayor Luke Bronin, and some lawyer running for Attorney General. According to a source, noted liberals Yo-Yo Ma and Barbra Streisand were unable to attend.

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New Political Reality Show Airing on Nutmeg TV!

October 15, 2018

A television program called Forestville’s Next Great Politician is now airing on Nutmeg TV.

Earlier this year, would-be politicians lined up outside the studios of Nutmeg TV for an opportunity to appear on the public access channel’s foray into reality television.

Aspiring politicians of every political stripe are competing against each other for the title of “Forestville’s Next Great Politician”, with the winner receiving the nomination of their respective party for local office in the future.

“My strategy is to promise everything, say nothing and insult my way through the entire process like Trump. So, like, I will give everyone a nickname such as Whit Place Your Betts, and Chris I Ain’t Ever Wright. They don’t mean nothing, but ain’t they the funniest things ever? Lock Her Up! Lock Her Up! Lock Her Up!”, screamed contestant Erie Delbo at Boardman while foaming at the mouth.

Noted Forestville political operative Egor is participating in the program too, “Egor like show. Egor like TV. Egor like politics. So, Egor be candidate on TV. Rrrrr!”, he remarked during a press conference to promote the show.

Contestants are judged on a multitude of political skills such as: humility, speech delivery, policy creation, door knocking, stretching the truth, talking points, social media, pivoting and evening wear.

Judges for Forestville’s Next Great Politician are Mayor Ellen Zoppo-Sassu, and City Councilors Mary Fortier and Dave Mills. Weekly guest judges may include U.S. Representative for Connecticut’s 1st congressional district John Larson, and (name redacted because he does not like to be satirized).

There is no guarantee that the winner will become a Forestville A-Lister though. “This is an exclusive club,” Mary Fortier explained while sharing a bottle of Château Lafite Rothschild at Chippanee Country Club with her City Council colleagues. “We don’t just give out the A-Lister Forest Green Jacket and Certificate. You must prove you belong in the cool club with the cool people. Plus, you have to serve more than one term. Sorry them’s the rules.”

Forestville’s Next Great Politician airs on alternating Monday nights immediately following How to Push a Shopping Carriage and prior to Off the Air.


Review of the October 2018 City Council Meeting

October 11, 2018

On an unseasonably warm autumn evening, the Town crier, steadies himself on the rostrum by taking a sip from his golden goblet. His throat now warm and pliable, he announces to the citizens who have gathered in the gallery of the great chamber, “Oyez! Oyez! Oyez!” The crowd rises in unison and the Crier continues, “Give your attention, the City Council is now sitting and in session!” As his booming voice echoes throughout the building, the mayor and city councilors enter the chamber and present themselves to the assembled body.

Wielding an ivory gavel, the mayor brings the October 2018 City Council Meeting to order.

The Lords of the Mum, donned in long wigs, black breeches, silk stockings, buckled shoes, laced cuffs and jabots, conduct the business of the chartered burghal.

Announcements and Committee Reports are quickly disposed, and a steady procession of issues navigate their way through the seats of judgment and decision.

The business of the previous administrator, an impugned authority who once recklessly presided over these proceedings, briefly presents itself before this collective body one last time. The sums of his malfeasance are tallied and presented publicly, the matter finally settled and part of the historic record for perpetuity.

Before the night gives way, a recess is declared and there is an adjournment. For the Executive Session the Lords take leave to the Chamber of Seclusion to consult the Cone of Decision and thence confer.

Upon the council conclave being complete, plumes of smoke billow from the small chimney atop the building notifying the occupants of the community that the Executive Session is over, and the public business of the municipality has resumed.

The synod complete, closing formalities begin. The town Crier returns to the rostrum, and taking another sip from the golden goblet and straightening his tricorne hat, he dismisses the proceedings, “Business before this council is now over, God save Bristol and this forum! Help control the pet population. Have your pets spayed or neutered.”

The mayor’s gavel falls once more bringing the October City Council meeting to a close.


City of Bristol Offers Special Collector’s Edition of the Settlement Agreement

October 6, 2018

BRISTOL, Conn. – The City of Bristol entered a settlement agreement regarding a sexual harassment lawsuit involving a female city employee, and former mayor (name redacted because he does not like to be satirized).

Early this week, the city awarded $250,000 to the women that was harassed by (name deleted because he does not like to be satirized).

Now that the matter is settled, Bristol is making available signed copies of the settlement agreement for purchase.

Beginning next week two hundred and fifty signed and numbered limited-edition copies of the report (unabridged) will go on sale. They will be autographed boldly in a blue ballpoint pen by the current Mayor Ellen Zoppo-Sassu, the City Council and the staff of the Corporation Counsel.

Mayor Zoppo-Sassu authorized the settlement agreement to be released, and the Special Edition as well. “Proceeds from the sales will be used to pay some of the legal costs,” the mayor told Boardman while drinking a small sized Trenti Iced Coffee with Macchiato and 2 pumps of [sugar-free] hazelnut, Sugar-Free syrup, a splash of soy, coffee to the star on the siren’s head, and light but crushed ice.

The lawsuit charged (name redacted because he does not like to be satirized) and other city staff with creating “a hostile work environment”. They did not sign the special edition.

The Special Edition Features:

Hardcover Limited Edition of “The Settlement Agreement” in goatskin leather
Certificate of Authenticity
Lithograph copies of Mayor (name redacted because he does not like to be satirized) censures
Details:
Pages: several including “this page left blank on purpose” and several gatefolds
Publisher: City of Bristol
Release Date: October 2018
ISBN-13: 99871871162484

This special edition features a Foreword written by the Corporation Counsel lead counsel Dale Clift, and a wealth of stunning production art by the Bristol Art Squad along with behind the scenes photos from the Executive Sessions regarding the litigation.


Monday September 17, 2018, Arrives on Time Without Incident

September 17, 2018

Monday, September 17, 2018, landed in Forestville and Bristol late Sunday night amid security concerns.

Local officials greeted Monday privately in council chambers. The delegation included Mayor Ellen Zoppo-Sassu, City Councilman Peter Kelley with an E, a bunch of people no one has ever heard of and state legislator Cara Pavalock-D’Amato, who provided Monday with one of her lawn signs. “I thought Monday could use one cuz like they are everywhere,” she told Boardman on the condition it not be mentioned or publicized.

Pope Francis prayed Sunday for Monday in St Peter’s Square and asked the faithful to do the same.

Sunday, September 16, 2018, exited the world stage peacefully and with little fanfare.


City Council to Meet Tonight

September 11, 2018

City Council meetings only happen once a month and for super fans of the meetings that is not enough, “I wish they would meet all the time,” said Peggy Arpeggio. “On council days, a whole bunch of us tailgate across the street from City Hall. We have baked ziti, baked beans, baked lasagna, palmetto cheese and Barbados Rum Punch,” Ms. Arpeggio lamented.

She said the tailgating is quite the event with city politicians even participating. “The current mayor once whipped up a batch of her famous beef stew that she made in a Dutch oven once, and Councilwoman Mary Fortier brought some store bought apples. Whereas the previous mayor contributed a raw hot dog that I think he ate.”

City Hall observers say it is not uncommon for some spectators to be spellbound during meetings because they are true believers in city government.

Some sit in idle silence because they are confused and bewildered by the entire process.

Others, though, in the back of the chamber, huddle en masse under torch light, whisper while taking copious notes, looking, searching, scrutinizing for an error; a wrong move – a faux pas if you will, so they can write pithy editorials about some procedural mistake or a perceived slight. It is a sight to behold.

All of the city councilors are expected to be in attendance tonight. Following the meeting they will be available in the main corridor for a meet and greet, which includes a photo and maybe a hug.

The last time the city council gathered was in August during Vacuum Cleaner Awareness Month in front of dozens of spectators. The entire event was videotaped for posterity and broadcast on Nutmeg TV. The mayor’s office said it should be available on AC-3, Blu-ray, Dolby, DTS Surround Sound, Dubbed, NTSC, in Widescreen with subtitles for the hearing impaired shortly.

THINGS TO DO BEFORE THE COUNCIL MEETING

• Attend the meeting on a full stomach but a well-rounded meal
• Wait 30 minutes after you eat before arriving
• Hydrate
• Time passes slowly so be well rested and bring coffee
• Sit up in your seat, don’t squirm and don’t fidget
• Brush Your Teeth
• Have Your Affairs in Order
• Thank the City Council with a well thought out thank you note

WHAT TO EXPECT

• The Pledge of Allegiance
• Uncomfortable Seating
• Lengthy presentations
• Hype
• Executive Session
• Adjournment


Review of the August 2018 City Council Meeting

August 20, 2018

August City Council Meeting
by The Mole

While Boardman continues to convalesce during his death, I attended the city council meeting on August 15th.

All times below are approximations because I have no concept of time. After all what is time, but just a form of measurement used to sequence events. Man that was kind of preachy.

Note: it is a WEDNESDAY and not a Tuesday so this seriously conflicts with my social agenda.

7:02
First impressions:
The councilor introductions would work a lot better with smoke bombs and lasers.

I don’t get how they are seated. Regardless of the logic, I think they should sit alphabetically and by height.

7:03ish
Announcements hits lead off tonight? Is someone injured? A day game after a night game possibly?

7:04ish
Amazon to Bristol? Hey now that’s a win!

The mayor has an Amazon gift bag and is tossing the contents to the city councilors. How about something for the spectators? Oh, right, no freebies for the potato eaters sitting out here in the cheap seats.

Ya know if she had an air cannon and shot those t-shirts into the crowd that would have played really well.

Whoa, whoa, whoa – time out. During that Amazon debriefing did the mayor drop “mosaic” on an unsuspecting crowd? What, no bifurcate or quixotic as part of her vocab this month?

7:22
A break already? What is going on here? First, they meet on a Wednesday. Next, Announcements is at the top of the meeting and finally the mayor utters a fancy word that does not necessitate me having to consult a linguist or a lexicographer. We are seriously off the rails.

7:25
We are back.

Wouldn’t it be neat if they used a starter pistol to signify the meeting was resuming?

7:45ish
Mary said there is a wiffleball tournament at Page Park. That is nice but I really wish she would discuss her water bills again. I miss those halcyon days.

7:53ish
Dave Preleski is up with the Ordinance Committee and Real Estate Reports. I am ready for him this month and plan to stay awake. I visited Dunkin Donuts earlier and purchased an Iced Coffee. They offer three sizes for this type of situation: Large, Extra Large and OH DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN! Knowing Dave was up tonight I went with the OH DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN!

Here we go. Wait! He waived off the reading? Jesus H! Hang on I need a minute to process this.

7:54
What am I going to do with all this coffee? Thanks a lot, Dave!

7:55
It seems I spoke too soon. He’s reading Ordinances. Freaking Preleski man. I bet Peter Kelley with an e, who just arrived, wishes he got stuck in traffic.

7:56
Peter Kelley with an e looks haggard and is loosening his tie. That look of exasperation shows he knows and he gets it. Have a Vodka, Lime and Soda and buckle up. No Waterbury Fade tonight Kemosabe!

7:57
I stand corrected. True to his word Dave kept it short. This night is so screwed up but thank you God.

8:08
I was texting with a “friend” so I missed a bunch of shit (no Boardman to edit me so I have free rein), but I did hear something about a grant and bullet proof vests. Bullet proof vests are important, but I wonder do they make designer bullet proof vests? When will Versace or Ralph Lauren get in on the action? Not only should one be protected, but they should be stylish while they are being protected.

8:12
What are they discussing now? Never mind I am losing my focus and I just learned Australian Pink Floyd is coming to the Oakdale in October so I am securing tickets.

8:15
Section 102 Row C!

8:16
Did I do my laundry?

8:17
Where can I get a jaw-dropping credit card with 0% APR and cash back awards?

8:18
There are two arm rests here. Which one is really mine?

8 something
Water, water, everywhere. This is inside baseball stuff. Next council meeting I am bringing a date.

Hey Boardman, if you can hear me in your current state, send help!

8:30 maybe
Executive Session! That’s a wrap. Thank you Boardman!

No idea what time it is
Next month’s meeting is next month so until then see you then.

The Mole