Review of the July 2018 City Council Meeting

July 12, 2018

Alan Boardman remains dead but his condition is improving. As a result, The Mole reviewed the July 2018 Bristol City Council meeting proceedings from Tuesday and those observations follow.

All times are made up because The Mole’s wrist watch does not work.

7:02
We start with the Pledge of Allegiance. Nothing wrong with that but can we change it up once in a while and do the Alphabet Song instead? From the looks of the crowd though there are some people here that probably don’t know the lyrics. Scratch that idea.

7:18
I am bored. Why can’t we have a barbeque during the meeting and turn this joint into a smokehouse? It would not be that difficult. The way I hear it Councilman Dave Mills makes a mean Cornish Game Hen with wild rice and mashed potatoes. Mr. Mills wraps it in bacon with a butter mixture that is absolutely to die for. All this while he diagrams football plays too.

The mayor can bring her Federal Hill famous baked beans. She uses pinto beans (sans the baked beans) with sautéed onions, peppers and a dash of rosemary to get that Smokey taste. Mmm-mmm.

Mary Fortier can show up with her infamous store-bought cole slaw.

Who can we get for the brisket? Does Councilman Greg Hahn cook? Probably not because he is a musician so he is only good for the booze. Get this man access to bourbon, lemon, vermouth, and ginger beer NOW and we can get this thing going!

7:25ish
Did the mayor just say quixotic? What does that even mean? My God I have to waste my time looking this shit up. Yeah, I swore because Boardman is dead and cannot edit me.

According to an online dictionary:

Adjective

1. exceedingly idealistic; unrealistic and impractical.

Yeah it fits these proceedings

Did this woman swallow a dictionary as a kid?

7:35ish
Property transactions. Oh sweet Jesus this is going to take forever. Councilman Preleski enjoys this way too much. Alas, I am headed to Dunkin for an Iced Coffee.

7:47ish.
I am back and Preleski is still going. Yap, yap, yap. My God! Peter Kelley with an e has the look of a man that is in need of a cyanide capsule.

7 something or other
Can we give the ball to Josh Medeiros? The guy is running up and down the court and playing solid D, but he ain’t getting no touches. He is not Pistol Pete Maravich with a dazzling array of behind the back passes, but he can dish and swish, especially from the left side of the circle.

It might be near 8PM
Quiet night for Mary and Greg. Other than seconding and making a motion to make a motion they are laying low. Have they become monks and taken a vow of silence? Let’s see…are they wearing robes? If the two idiots in front of me would-nope no robes. That sucks!

7:50
Other than the guy next to me waking up, what would happen right now if I were to yell Bingo!?

Time Unknown
Dave Preleski is the acting mayor for the next four months? Ay dios mio! Anyone have him in the Acting Mayor Pool? Please bring back Mary because I liked her tenure as acting mayor.

8:00 maybe
New Business is up followed by Old Business. Why can’t we have Nobody’s Business? Oh wait I spoke too soon. Apparently, they are going into “Executive Session” in a minute. Oh boy secret time! Shh.

Sometime after 8:00
Most of the gallery left so this is boring and deathly quiet. Those that remain have their faces stuck in their phones.

Should I make small talk with someone? Maybe this is an opportunity to get to know people that I do not know nor share my political opinions or life experiences. Perhaps by doing so new worthwhile relationships will be forged, and we can engage in dialogue and understanding. Who knows that could lead to lasting friendships thus making Bristol a truly “All Heart” type of community!

Are you kidding me? No way! The Sox are playing Texas and the Yanks are in Baltimore. I need scores and I need them now people.

Time Unknown
I am leaving as I am supposed to meet someone for coffee. Nothing will come of that silly secret meeting anyway. However, if by chance there is breaking news, the local media is here providing gavel to gavel coverage so we will definitely read about it first thing in the morning with a big giant headline!

The Mole

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City Hall Open Monday

May 13, 2018

Following two days off, fans of city government are excited because Bristol City Hall is open for business Monday!

Tourists hoping to get a glimpse of city workers in their natural habitat, can do so between the hours of 8:30 a.m. and 5 p.m. as a full day of work is expected for many. “All proceedings will occur as scheduled,” the mayor’s office said in a statement.

The workday begins with a ribbon-cutting ceremony ushering in the new day, and concludes with a performance by Up with People. “It’s a huge honor and privilege,” the cultural and civic organization told Boardman. “We are excited to close a city hall workday with a Closing Ceremony.”

Visitors to City Hall are reminded of the following rules:

Visitors are encouraged to take photographs for their personal use and to share with family, friends but not with strangers.
Do not speak with employees or look them directly in the eyes.
No soliciting.
Feeding employees is strictly prohibited.

ATTRACTIONS

Assessor’s Office

It’s impressive to watch these city officials determine the value of real property within the city of Bristol. The exhibit’s enclosure was designed and constructed to ensure the comfort, safety and health of the employees and visitors alike.

Public Works

The heartbeat of city. They care for the city’s infrastructure by building things like roads and schools and parks. The exhibit showcases employees working in the office in real time. Visitors see the characteristics of office life, including the social structure.

Registrar of Voters

The Registrar of Voters Exhibit is closed for maintenance.

Personnel Department/Human Resources or Whatever it is Called

Visitors can go nose to nose with the Personnel Director and staff in a state of the art exhibit featuring a glass viewing wall. Guests can peer in from several observation points and see for themselves: What does the Personnel Director do? Where does the Personnel Director go? Who does the Personnel Director see and visit? Find out the who, the what, the where, the when and the why.

Please note: Some exhibits close 30 minutes before closing, except for the Tax Office, which closes 45 minutes before closing just to be difficult.

IS THERE A GIFT SHOP FOR SOUVENIRS?
Be sure to visit the City Hall Gift Shop for city hall accessories, apparel and plushies of your favorite city officials.

CAN I HOST A BIRTHDAY PARTY FOR MY CHILD AT CITY HALL?
No.


City Council Minutes Now Available in Paperback

April 13, 2018

The March minutes to the Bristol City Council meeting from March 13, 2018, are now available in paperback.

The March 2018 council meeting comes to life as the curious reader will enjoy a transcript of the Committee Reports, Resignations, Consent Calendar, Unfinished Business and Appointments.

The book also goes beyond the issues and explores the requirements of a public meeting, agenda preparation and approval, how to type the minutes, how to read the minutes, how to have a fun little quorum, the joys of FOI requests and so much more.

A compendium of all things city council is included in the back of the book in the area where people usually do not read nor venture.

It is not the Camelot of the Arthurian world or the Algonquin Roundtable, but a suzerainty that insufflates an iconic building with the mundane and mysterious.

This edition comes with a fifty-page preface by Mayor Ellen Zoppo-Sassu complete with references and a story about an extra credit project she did in college.

The book is also available as an audio book narrated by the mayor with music by the kazoo section of the Bristol Philharmonic.

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Product details
• Series: Bristol City Council Classics
• Paperback: 512 pages
• Publisher: 111 North Main; 1 edition (March 13, 2018)
• Language: Supposedly English
• Product Dimensions: 5 x 0.9 x 7.8 inches
• Shipping Weight: 12.6 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)– does not ship outside Bristol/Forestville
• Average Customer Review: 4.2 out of 5 stars 941 customer reviews
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #1,354,322.5 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
• #3,000560 in Books > Law > Regional > Bristol
• #100,000 in Books > Textbooks > Epic
• #3 in Books > Literature & Fiction > Poetry > Regional & Cultural > Ellen Zoppo-Sassu

Customer Reviews

This is my favorite book of all time!
E. Zoppo-Sassu

I’ve long been a fan of the Bristol City Council Classics series, so when I heard a new edition was coming out, I was so excited I had to tell my pet fish Sophie all about it. While I enjoyed the controversial “2018 February Minutes of the Bristol City Council,” this one is by far the best the City Council has put out IMHO. I’m excited that it is finally in paperback!
E. Gurney

I’ve read many books like this including the picture book, “2018 February Minutes of the Southington City Council,” and the “Selected Federal Taxation Statutes and Regulations: 2018 with Motro Tax Map (Selected Statutes).” This was fairly entertaining once you get past the two days it takes to read the preface. However, if you want a quicker read, try the “2018 Hartford Balanced Budget Plan.”
W. Betts


I give this book a low rating because I thought I had purchased a different book.
H. Weinstein

From the seller
We are sorry for the mixup. Your copy of the 2018 March Minutes of the Bristol City Council of Hot Babes is on its way.


MBS Building Committee Breaks Up Due to Creative Differences

April 8, 2018

Yesterday, the Memorial Boulevard School (MBS) Building Committee announced they are breaking up due to infighting and creative differences.

Formed in 2015, the building committee had a meteoric rise as MBSmania gripped the community and residents embraced their work.

A series of films were released to capitalize on their popularity: A Hard Day’s MBS and All You Need is MBS.

Consequently, an over confident chairman remarked to the Bristol Press in 2016, “We are more popular than the Planning Commission.”

The statement sparked outrage among Bristol Republicans so they burned their MBS memorabilia, and urged Bristol schools to ban books about MBS from being read in classrooms.

That same year rumors swirled that committee member Limping Larry died in a breathing accident and was replaced with a look-a-like.

Appearing on the Bristol Beat, an online radio station at the time, in the summer of 2017 and having been around petroleum products all day, lead conspiracy theorist Myron Goldberg stated, “There are no photos of the committee and the name of Forestville resident Limping Larry appears nowhere on their webpage or their minutes? Why?” Sipping from a cup of antifreeze he continued, “If you read the committee minutes backwards and then read them forwards there are clues suggesting Limping Larry is deceased, but there are no clues suggesting he is dead. How can that be?

Following Mr. Goldberg’s appearance, Limping Larry is Dead began trending for almost an entire minute.

The committee was soon beset with internal problems.

The summer of 2017 MBS members and their families visited India to meditate with the Maharishi, but returned almost immediately because there was no Starbucks, and they discovered the Maharishi died in 2008.

The Maharishi

During the final days of the 2017 municipal election and as the MBS project became a campaign issue, two members of the committee staged a Bed-in called “Give MBS a Chance.”

The bed-in was beset with problems from the onset because one member wanted a Bob-o-pedic mattress while the other wanted a Craftmatic adjustable bed, and there were issues with the pillows.

Last month they surprised everyone by holding their monthly meeting on the roof of city hall in what can only be called a desperate last gasp. The meeting was taped by Nutmeg TV for a movie to be called Let Us Be.

Based on these issues and several other factors their breakup was announced early Saturday.

City councilors will wear black armbands at Tuesday’s council meeting, and the City of Bristol’s flag will fly at half-staff during lunch Monday.

Sebastian Goo contributed nothing to this story.


Annual Reading of the City Ordinances to Take Place Sunday

April 7, 2018

The annual “Reading of the City Ordinances” will take place Sunday at the Page Park Pavilion beginning at 11AM.

City councilors accompanied by the mayor will lead a procession into the park where they will read all the city ordinances including the appendixes.

The mayor, plus each councilor, will individually arrive carried on a palanquin by eight grown men, wearing color coordinated sashes and turbans.

Citizens are encouraged to arrive early as the streets around the park will be filled with cheering crowds.

While his colleagues read from Bristol’s Book of Ordinances, Councilman Greg Hahn will play an accompaniment on his horn featuring songs from the Great American Song Book including Duke Ellington, Dave Brubeck and Tommy Tutone.

The ceremony begins with a reading from the Charter before moving through the ordinances beginning with Chapter 1, General Provisions and concluding with Chapter 23, Ordinance Enforcement.

Special Guest readers will include state legislators “Give em Hell” Henri Martin and Whitt Betts (R-78), who must leave early for reasons only he and he alone knows.

Others dignitaries expected to attend, but only to wave at the adoring crowds are Cara Christine Pavalock-D’Amato (R-77) and Laura Bartok, Democratic challenger in the 77th state house district.

Meanwhile, City Councilor Josh Medeiros will appear in the role as Josh Medeiros, and City Councilor Peter Kelley with an e will appear courtesy of Peter Kelley with an e.

END

———————————————–

Alan Boardman is a former reporter for McClatchy newspapers, New York Times, London Times, San Francisco Bee, Wall Street Journal, Chicago Tribune, Washington Post, Los Angeles Times, The Christin Science Monitor, The Boston Globe, Houston Chronicle, and Toronto Star where he covered business, CIA, Justice Department, Foreign relations, and Tourism.

He throws right hits both, shoots 85% from the line and has a QB rating of 101.7. He once had a bank account with Bristol Savings Bank, and read the Warren Report in an afternoon because he was bored.

Alan Boardman has nothing to do after lunch today so if anyone from the “inner circle” is around text him because he would like to go out for an Iced coffee; yesterday has not ended yet.


In Effort to Prove They Believe in Free Trade, China Raises More Obstacles to U.S. Imports

April 5, 2018

Complaining about unreasonable duties and other restrictions China places on U.S. manufacturers, Trump announced duties on select Chinese imports. In response, China raised their tariffs even further. The most concerning for Wall Street were those on soybeans, partially or totally deterred tobacco, undeterred tobacco, and utterly shameless tobacco.

Tariffs will also affect “vehicles equipped with a compression-ignition reciprocating piston internal combustion engine and a drive motor that can be charged by plugging in an external power source.” Exempt are those with equid-driven power systems, also known as “horse-drawn carriages.”

In searching for new imports to tax, China added to the list non-Chinese-speaking camelids, peanuts processed in a facility that also processes peanuts, and wheat-based corn. Said one farmer in Narnia, “This will definitely impact us where for generations, the White Witch let us and the beaver family raise corn from wheat seeds.”

Noted Wall Street alarmist Jed Whooshan was alarmed by the added tariffs on 1,1,1-trichloro-2,2-Bis(4-chlorophenyl)ethane products, primary shaped epoxy resin and odd-shaped bubblegum. In a call to subscribers to his newsletter, he changed his recommendation from buying gold to buying more gold. “The only thing that would change my recommendation,” he said, “is if China allowed in 1,2,1-trichloro-2,2-Bis(4-chlorophenyl)ethane. In which case, investors should buy gold.”

The China-U.S. trade issue mirrors the trade problem plaguing Bristol. In an effort to level the playing field with Southington, the Bristol city council is considering tariffs and leveling their playing field, which is two inches higher at one end. In the crosshairs are imports of apples, female escorts and toys won at booths in the Southington half of Lake Compounce.


Four Keys to a Successful City Council Meeting Tonight

March 13, 2018

Tonight at 7PM there is a City Council meeting.

The City Council has gotten off to a good start this year, but in order to keep the momentum going there are four keys to make sure that tonight’s meeting is successful too.

Why only four keys? Because Boardman could not think of five.

Opening Ceremonies

It is important the meeting begin without any problems and what better way than to have the Pledge of Allegiance happen without a hitch. If everyone does it unison it should be a good night. However, if someone misses a beat it will be an omen of things to come.

Peter Kelley with an e Needs to Turn his Microphone on and Keep it on

Mr. Kelley has difficulties with his microphone because he forgets to turn it on and keep it on. “I need to cut down on my unforced errors. It’s a killing us in the red zone during these meetings,” Mr. Kelley explained at Media Day last Tuesday. “There is no question I have to take better care of the microphone.”

Consent Calendar

The City Council is addressing what many residents have complained about for years and years: the length of the Consent Calendar. At press time there are nine items on the agenda for tonight. As a result, they announced new initiatives, which includes a countdown clock and buzzers for items that run long.

Councilors will also be reminded by the Chair to cut down on their use of adjectives, and to read faster.

If the Corporation Counsel Chimes in it Could be a Long Night

Should the Corporation Counsel get control of the microphone the Chair may never get it back, and thus lose the audience and the meeting.

“Time of Possession is important at meetings like this,” Councilwoman Mary Fortier told Boardman. The audience does not want to hear words like “complex litigation” or “update” or “Petitioner v so and so”. If the City Council can win the time of possession battle this will be a successful meeting.”

At the meeting in February they nearly lost control because the Corporation Counsel went on and on with details regarding four lawsuits that were never brought to the council for approval.

District 2 Councilman Dave Preleski said he was stunned by those revelations, “I was stunned by those revelations and didn’t think we would ever get the microphone back. Josh (Medeiros) and I ordered takeout because it took so long. Who knew?”

The City Council meeting starts at 7PM with an after party beginning shortly thereafter.