City Council Meeting Under the Microscope

February 14, 2018

Recently, Boardman was invited to attend a city council meeting. However, not being a fan of crowds or people because crowds mean people and people mean problems, I respectfully declined. However, in my place was The Mole and here are his/her observations.

All times EDT

How did Boardman talk me into this again? Jeopardy! is on at 7 and I am going to miss it.

We are starting already? I thought first pitch was at 7!

Ohhhhh this is the Finance Board; the JVs. No wonder I was bored after only two minutes.

Here we go the varsity is on.

Public Comments this should be good. Bristol Hospital guy is up. Okay and?

I lost interest. Not sure what I was expecting but I wasn’t expecting that.

One other guy that’s it?


After listening to a few of these I am of the mind they should have corporate sponsors for each announcement. I picture it like this:

“Hi everyone, I’m Dave Mills with an important announcement about the Parks Department but first; folks let me tell you something about Metamucil,” etc., etc.

The guy next to me thinks it’s a dumb idea. He just moved one seat over.

Just an observation but these wood seats really suck. They need to recline and provide lumbar support because my back hurts.

Note to self: How is it that the city councilors and the mayor have comfy leather chairs and lots of leg room?

They sit in the lap of luxury while us potato eaters sit here like we are flying coach!

Taking inventory of the crowd and where are all the republicans? I see a few that I recognize from the post office, but are the rest in the Witness Protection Program after November? Isn’t there usually a cabal sitting in the back; skeptical, plotting and snarling? Come on guys! Oh wait, for those that enjoy the “Letters to the Editor”, perhaps I am being “invidious” right now.

Did someone on the council just say bi…bif…what the heck was just said?

The schoolmarm in front of me said the word in question was “bifurcated.” Bifurcated (I hope I spelled that right)? What the F does that mean?

Tap the schoolmarm in front of me on the shoulder.

Me: Psst! Who said it?
Schoolmarm in front of me: Who do you think said it?
Me: Councilman Peter Kelley with an e?
Schoolmarm in front of me: Are you trying to be funny?

Time to go. I missed Jeopardy! for this? Are they at least going to feed us?

No? Well, I…am…out…of…here.

The Mole

P.S. Election Day is only 264 days away. Stay semi-informed with Alan Boardman’s semi-comprehensive and semi-accurate election coverage.


City Council Live Tuesday

February 11, 2018

Tickets are still available for Tuesday’s City Council meeting at 111 N. Main Street at 7PM.

The agenda items include many standards from their catalog such as: “Approval of the Minutes from the Previous Meeting,” “Appointments,” and “Resignations.”

For Tuesday’s meeting, promoters promise the set list will feature the council’s signature hits “Unfinished Business,” “New Business,” and “Committee Reports” with a slew of others including their anthem “Announcements.”

Recent performances saw Councilwoman Mary Fortier’s signature announcement and solo spot “How to Pay Your Water Bill Online” being dropped from the set. Devotes (Councilheads) are hoping it returns Tuesday night because it usually rips the roof off the place.

Attendees should be ready for a neat and orderly meeting with plenty of council clichés, presentations, questions and general banality. However, Mayor Ellen Zoppo-Sassu promises a quiz following the meeting with study aids being made available.

As an added bonus an “Executive Session” could be in order, but it will be out of sight from the public. Although, a glimpse of the Cone of Decision is possible.

The opening act is expected to be Joint Board Meeting, and their set will last 15-30 minutes. Councilheads will be pleased to learn they will not perform an extended version of “Comptroller Interlude” thus extending the JBM set.

Event: City Council Meeting
Date and Time: Tuesday February 13, 7 PM
Opening Act: Joint Board Meeting
Special Guests: Public Participation (Open format)

Key to the City Found

January 27, 2018

The Key to the City, reported to be missing since the election, was located late yesterday afternoon.

The initial suspects were new city councilors Greg Hahn, Josh Medeiros and Peter Kelley with an e. However, in a stunning and unexpected turn of events, the key was found in the mayor’s fall purse; a faux snake skin Vera Bradley clutch with matching wallet and key fob.

The mayor, Ellen Zoppo-something or other, attempted to downplay the incident by blaming Mary Fortier, a councilwoman in District 3 with a pretend French last name. “Finding the key in my Vera Bradley is like finding a toy at Toys R Us or a hammer at Hammer World. Obviously, Mary put it there because she is the acting mayor and wants me out of the way,” Mrs. Zoppo something or other told Boardman as she dived into a Caramel Mocha Iced Coffee with a trapezoid shaped Krazy Straw®.

Snaffu at Mayor’s Portrait Unveiling

January 10, 2018

Tuesday night local A-listers, people from the “the click” and folks that no one has ever heard of, crowded into the Council Chambers at City Hall to see Mayor Ellen Zoppo-Sassu’s official portrait revealed.

Regardless of social status, however; everyone was stunned to discover that the newly minted mayor did not have a photo portrait, instead her image was cast onto a baseball card. “We are still trying to figure out what happened,” said stunned councilwoman Mary Fortier, who is the mayor’s consigliere and was in charge of the Photo Committee, the Unveiling the Photo Committee and Tour the Mayor’s Office Committee. “She sat for the photo; they took the photo, we proofed the photo and we got a (deleted expletive) baseball card!”, Mrs. Fortier vented while sampling the tiramisu pie she made for the occasion.

The card has small black borders and boasts a large photo of the mayor, but showcases smaller photos of several city councilors, including Mrs. Fortier. The back of the card contains Mrs. Zoppo-Sassu’s biographical information, her accomplishments and season-by-season statistics for the one-time light hitting utility outfielder.

Every mayor from John F. Wade to Daniel J. Donovan to Ken Cockayne have a photo portrait until now. “We will get this baseball card thing rectified and corrected,” Mrs. Fortier vowed to Boardman in the hallway following the ceremony. “Meanwhile, I will trade you an Ellen Zoppo-Sassu card for two Tommy Shopay’s, a Ted Kubiak and a player to be named later.”

Boardman is holding out for more.

P.S. Ted who? Yeah, yeah yeah. Look him up.

Coup d’état Canceled Due to Snowstorm

January 4, 2018

The coup d’état planned by Bristol Republicans to topple the mayor and the City Council Thursday morning, after only two months on the job, was canceled due to a significant snowstorm forecast for the area.

Snowfall is expected to begin shortly before sunrise with blizzard conditions reached later in the day. Consequently, everyone involved with the coup is to stay home. “With snow coming down at rates in excess of three to four inches per hour at points, and winds reaching as much at 60 miles per hour and white out conditions predicted, it will be difficult to overthrow the municipal government today,” the coup leaders said in a statement.

The coup d’état will not however, be rescheduled or carried out Friday because the element of surprise is gone, and the military junta they wanted to install has a doctor’s appointment scheduled for noon.

Coup members are instructed to continue about their lives.

Key(s) to the City Missing

January 2, 2018

The ceremonial key to the city, which is bestowed upon deserving citizens that have a positive impact on Bristol or Forestville, is missing the mayor’s office said early Tuesday morning.

Following the transfer of power from the previous administration, the key subsequently vanished. Councilwoman Mary Fortier told Boardman in an exclusive, “Ellen (Zoppo-Sassu) handed it me and I handed it to Dave (Preleski) and he handed it to a guy who handed it to a guy and so on and so forth. Now it is missing. What the (deleted expletive)!”

Mayor Ellen Zoppo-Sassu noted she would personally conduct an audit of city property, and do an inventory too if the key does not turn up. However, as she told Boardman while navigating her way through a Dunkin Donuts Coconut Crème Pie flavored iced coffee, which offers a creamy combo of vanilla, coconut and sweet pie crust flavors. At least that’s what she said it says on their website anyway. “I have been connecting the dots on this missing key, and have connected them to one of the new city council members. Could be Greg Hahn maybe Josh Medeiros but my money is on Peter Kelley. I have no evidence nor do I have proof. Call it a hunch,” the mayor told Boardman.

The Southington Board of Education was contacted by Boardman about this matter, and they declined to comment. Wimps.

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A Look Back at 2017

December 27, 2017

2017 had its fair share of stories and headlines to captivate the residents of Bristol and Forestville. Here is a look back at just a few of the stories that made headlines.

Drought Ends

The drought of 2016 came to an end in 2017. The then mayor officially declared the drought over with a ribbon cutting ceremony, and told drought protestors to shut up and go home.

Drought protestors said they would not leave because the Bristol Reservoirs were not 98% full, they were 2% empty.

Bristol Used New Defense Laser to Eliminate Blight and Critics

In March, Lockheed Martin announced they developed a 60 kilowatt-class laser that the government could use to thwart threats.

Consequently, in an effort to eliminate threats such as blight and critics, the mayor asked the army to fire the laser at both. The Office of the Mayor within days announced, “The U.S. Army, at the behest of the City of Bristol, used a Stryker armored vehicle with a laser weapon and ‘burn-through’ capabilities, eradicated both blight and critics thus removing these stains from Bristol.”

Super Fight II Ellen Vs Ken

Super Fight II, as it is dubbed for the purposes of this article so the boxing playbill created during the election and edited out of a piece can finally be used, did not live up to the hype as Ellen vanquished Mayor Ken handily by winning every precinct. However, the campaign was spirited, entertaining and added to their lore.

Ellen Zoppo-Sassu’s win was historic and inspirational as she became the first hyphenated mayor in Bristol’s history. Her victory carved a path for Councilwoman Mary Fortier to become Bristol’s first acting female mayor.

Mrs. Fortier was subsequently lauded with accolades from all over the state; her photo appeared on the front page of most state newspapers and she made numerous television appearances too. Oh, wait, that was Ellen not Mary. Never mind.

Man Who Crossed Street Without a Crossing Signal Censured by City Council

Forestville resident Limping Larry, without using a crosswalk or a crossing signal to guide him, successfully crossed Pine Street on a Tuesday in mid July and was not injured or harmed, according to police.

However, the City Council, after the incident became public knowledge, censured Larry for taking such a risky walk.

Councilor Dave Preleski opined in a blistering editorial, “How did Limping Larry cross that street? Who colluded with him? Did he have help? If so, who and why? That is not an easy road to cross especially if you have limp even if it is fake like Larry’s.”

Limping Larry subsequently apologized to the Traffic Division and the City Council for crossing the street without waiting for the signal.

The collusion allegation remains under investigation and will be for the foreseeable future.

Forestville Man Opened an Escort Business

The midlife crisis of Forestville resident Bob Knepper continued.

Mr. Knepper opened an escort business in the red-light district of Forestville called Intimate Encounters. “I know prostitution is illegal but that doesn’t mean you can’t do it,” Mr. Knepper said.

Critics charged he was disrespecting and debasing women. In response Mr. Knepper remarked, “How am I being disrespectful and debasing women? We have a good dental plan and I even offered my wife a job on the weekends. You know this political correctness thing has gone too far.”

Help Us Reach Out Goal (BOE Deficit)

In August the Board of Education announced they had a 2.4 million dollar deficit.

Consequently, the BOE had a pledge drive to raise funds for the school year. The event was called “Whoops We Need 2 Million Dollars Pronto Won’t You Please Help.”

The deficit resulted in an escalation of everyone’s favorite social media activities: finger pointing and character assassination.

Closing Thoughts

There are no closing thoughts. This sentence was written to merely extend the article by another sentence. So was this one. And this one too.

Okay, I am done. This is my last sentence.