Best of the City Council Now Available on DVD

November 19, 2017

Just in time for Black Friday and the official start of Christmas shopping, Clown Town Video is releasing on DVD, Blue-ray and Digital HD the Best of the City Council 2015 – 2016 Volume 1 for only $29.95.

For the first time ever all of the tension, anger and drama of the 2015 – 2016 council meetings are compiled and presented in vivid color and mono sound.

No city council meetings in the surrounding towns can top Bristol’s in 2015 and 2016 with the harrowing plot lines and unending drama.

Volume 1 is a two-disc set and contains the following:

Disc 1
Nightmare on North Main Street

Pledge of Allegiance (October 2016)
Mary’s Mosaic
Recusal Part 1
Where Do You Live?
Time’s Up!
Calvin’s Crusade
Water Bills!
Recusal Part II
Public Comments: Secret Meetings?
Special Council Meeting June 2016
Censure 1

Disc 2
Beyond Councildome

FOI
Special Council Meeting August 2016
Robert’s Rules of Order, or Not Robert’s Rules of Order, That is the Question
Recusal Part III
Please Stand By: Audio Difficulties
Encourage and Welcome Dissent
Revenge of the Water Bills (Computers Are Not My Favorite Thing)
Announcements
Recusal Part IV
Code Enforcement: Judgement Day
Here We Go Again

Product Description
Recorded Live at 111 N. Main Street in the council chambers it’s the Bristol City Council Meetings 2015 – 2016 Volume 1.

Watch the reading of the minutes, new business, old business and of course the drama. It is all here on 2 discs for the first time ever!

Product Details
• Format: Multiple Formats, Box set, Color, Mono, NTSC
• Language: English (Dolby Digital 2.0)
• Subtitles: English/Gibberish
• Subtitles for the Hearing Impaired: English
• Region: Region 1 (U.S. and Canada only)
• Aspect Ratio: 1.33:1
• Number of discs: 2
• Rated: NR Not Rated
• Studio: Clown Town

Release Date: November 24, 2017

Editorial Reviews
The first of two contentious council years began with promise and hope, and ended with mistrust and infighting.

The Best of the City Council 2015 – 2016 Volume 1 on DVD, Blue-ray and Digital HD includes appearances by an array of residents, city employees, department heads, attorneys, lawyers, barristers, legal advisors and many more.

SPECIAL FEATURES: Audio Commentary by some of the participants. Companion documentary Fahrenheit 1/11 North Main.

Carla Rodriguez Calderón
Seeing this compilation makes me yearn for more drama!

Shelley Nguyen
While watching this I laughed and I cried so I can say it is well worth the 30 bucks.

Rippy Patton
I was there and this %$*# was real!

Advertisements

10% Charlie, Guida’s Supercow and Other Local Celebrities Attend Inaugural

November 16, 2017

Supercow arriving at Inaugural

Bristol’s new mayor and city councilors were sworn in Monday night at Bristol Eastern High School. The auditorium was crowded and enthusiastic, and included three former mayors and many dignitaries.

Other luminaries in attendance were 10% Charlie from Kaoud Oriental Rugs, Good Ole Tom, Fast Eddy, Crazy Bruce, BB (from the Bristol Blues) and Guida’s Dairy Supercow who took a real shine to Mary Fortier.

10% Charlie was spied chatting up newly sworn-in City Councilor Greg Hahn at the meet and greet following the ceremony, but became a nuisance because he ended every sentence with, “and don’t forget to ask for me 10% Charlie.”

10% Charlie

Crazy Bruce was as crazy as ever and perhaps a little tipsy too because he sang corny songs out of key while trying to sell cheap booze cheap.

Others like Good Ole Tom and Fast Eddy mingled while looking for cheap gold and silver to buy. Fast Eddy however, poorly disguised himself as the lady from the Bob’s Discount TV commercials and kept looking over his shoulder.

BB, a baseball mascot, appeared out of place so he just sat in the corner and twitched nervously while eating peaches from a can.

Guida’s Supercow worked the room flashing the peace sign and posing for photos. Later he took to the dance floor with ladies in bikini tops and short shorts. Okay, I made that last part up.

Following the meet and greet with Bristol’s new city employees, Supercow said that it was not only ‘an honor’ to be invited but to attend too because he finally got to meet Mary Fortier and 10% Charlie.


Inauguration Concert Follows the Inauguration

November 13, 2017

Following the swearing-in of the Mayor-elect and the City Council Monday night at Bristol Eastern High School, the following acts are appearing at a concert honoring the new mayor and city council members:

Closed Casket

Local music legend Closed Casket, a favorite of the Mayor-elect, will appear but without their legendary horn section of Mickey, Matt and Mickey. The horn section remains in Bristol Hospital following a dreadful tuning accident.

Free Beer: Local bar band set list to feature songs no one has ever heard.

Test Tube Babies: Punk Rock cover band will perform, provided they can remember how to tune their instruments and the drummer can count it off to four.

Gun Nut Crazy: The Country band is scheduled to plays songs which support the Second Amendment. It will be a quick set.

Severed Head

A Heavy Metal act that shreds children’s songs such as Row, Row, Row Your Boat, The Wheels on the Bus and many other favs.

Musical acts are not the only artists performing. There is a mixture of entertainers in the lineup including:

The Delusionist

Performing in the courtyard is Marlon J. Murlow better known as The Delusionist. Is he a conspiracy theorist? A futurist? Maybe both or all of the above.

• Was the War of 1812 a hoax?
• Is the voice in your head you or someone else?
• Is The Periodic Table of the Elements only true some of the time?

Find out as Marlon J. Murlow is The Delusionist. Half magician, half mind reader and half visionary and seer.

• Was Mount Rushmore made from natural earth erosion?
• Is there a day of the week missing?
• Did Amelia Earhart Kidnap the Lindbergh baby?

Find out as Marlon J. Murlow is The Delusionist. One third of his brain is clairvoyant the other third is not.

• Does the All-Seeing Eye have cataracts?
• Did Twentieth Century Fox sink the Titanic so they could later make a hit movie about it?
• Were antidepressants invented to stop the Great Depression?

Find out as Marlon J. Murlow is The Delusionist. Part fake, part made-up and part lies.

The Forestville Civic Ballet

The Forestville Civic Ballet will reenact Ellen’s election victory. The troupe, composed of local prima donnas, will perform the Avant guarde ballet ginned up on Diet Coke and ibproffin. The performance will last two days.

Catering

The entire event is catered by celebrity chef Wolfgang Puck and will include “Democrat friendly food” such as Croissants, Granola, Arugula, Veggie burgers, Massaman curry, Avocado salad, Basil Fried rice, Tom yum soup and Yogurt chicken.

There will be superficial food for the bipartisan types in attendance such as Lemon chicken, Single-serving carrot cake and Shrimp tempura roll.

As for the Republicans they can indulge their taste buds with Mozzarella sticks, Boneless wings and Sweet and sour chicken.


New Employees Receive Tour of City Hall

November 12, 2017

Prior to their swearing-in ceremonies Monday night, Mayor-elect Ellen Zoppo-Sassu and soon to be city councilors Greg Hahn, Josh Medeiros and Peter Kelley with an e, were welcomed to City Hall early Friday.

City Councilwoman Mary Fortier provided a tour of 111 N. Main Street and pointed out little things such as such how a door sticks on the third floor, and the toilet handles in the bathrooms need to be jiggled upon flushing.

Late she brought them to the entrance to the Chamber of Seclusion, but they were not allowed to enter. The chamber, located beneath City Hill, is cloaked in mystery because only the mayor and city councilors are allowed access. Rumors abound that is a small and intimate chamber with touches of gold, marble and mahogany with a vending machine, and an air hockey table for entertainment.

“The Chamber of Seclusion is a sacred place for elected officials,” remarked Greg Hahn speaking for the group. “It is the room to which the most difficult decisions are made, and we respect that we cannot enter until we are sworn in. Not only that, but they didn’t give us keys yet.” The council trio will not receive their keys until the outgoing councilors have returned theirs.

Mrs. Fortier also debriefed them regarding the Cone of Decision and the Great Orb of Influence. The future city councilors declined to comment about either.

The Forestville Fire Department could not be reached for comment regarding this story.


Election 2017: Your Guide to Bristol’s Municipal Election

November 7, 2017

Today is Election Day and here is what you need to know.

• The polls open at 6AM and close at 8PM with a 45 minute intermission at 4PM during which a zamboni will clear the floors
• Voters may call ahead to reserve a voting booth for a nominal fee. New for 2017 – Kids vote free!
• Tailgating is allowed. The lots open two (2) hours before the first vote is cast and two hours after the last vote is cast
• Office seekers will sign autographs and sell personalized merchandise
• Concession stands are located at each polling station. This year’s vendors include Chick-fil-A, Coca Cola and Papa John’s, except Chippens Hill which will serve Pâté, Caviar and Chilean Seabass made to order courtesy Capitol Hill Grill

Mayor’s Race

The marquee race pits incumbent Ken Cockayne against Ellen Zoppo-Sassu in a rematch for the mayorship. If Mr. Cockayne wins, he will be the first three-term mayor since the last three-term mayor. He carries into the election an on-base percentage of 0.300, off-base percentage of 0.290, predicted jbr (job growth rate) of 3.5% and a cpt (censures per term) of 1.00.

A win for Mrs. Zoppo-Sassu will not only make her the first mayor in Bristol with a hyphenated last name but also the first mayor to have a first name start with a vowel. She has a pamphlet on this topic available at her campaign office. She also has a pamphlet regarding where her campaign office is, available at her campaign office.

Council Races

There are 12 people running for 6 council seats. Of the 12 there are 8 that wear glasses or are ocular deficient:

Wear Glasses
Greg Hahn, Cheryl Thibeault, Andrew Howe, Dave Preleski, Brittany Barney, Eric Carlson, Mary Fortier and Dave Preleski

Don’t Wear Glasses
Tony D’Amato, Josh Medeiros, Peter Kelley with an e, Mr. Mills and Jodi Zils Gagne

City Disclaimer

Each year in the United States, several people are injured in voting accidents. Residents are urged to follow the rules for proper voting safety. Children under 13 should wear appropriate life jackets. Remember, voting safety begins with v.

People taking MAO inhibitors should consult their doctor before engaging in voting or any Corinth-related activity.


Previewing the Canididates of District 1 / What We Know

October 22, 2017

Boardman, throughout the election season, breaks down the city council races. Today District 1 is previewed.

Overview
Nestled in the northeast section of town is the northeast section of town. Because it lacks the distinctive characteristics of Chippens Hill, The West End and Federal Hill it goes largely ignored until it is not ignored.

There are four candidates vying for two seats in District 1. Consequently when the music stops not everyone will have a seat.

Anthony D’Amato (R)
Anthony “Tony” D’Amato seeks a second term on the city council.

What We Know About Anthony “Tony” D’Amato:

* Tony D’Amato is one third of Bristol’s political power couple.
* Tony D’Amato has a punctuation mark in his last name.
* During his first term on the city council Tony D’Amato sat at the little kids table.
* Tony D’Amato became interim mayor after his name was drawn from a hat.
* Like his spouse in the 2016 state election, Tony D’Amato’s image is everywhere and his signs are, in a word, huge, massive, gargantuan, mammoth, monstrous, towering and colossally big.

Intangible:
The Rockwell Skatepark kids think his bowties are dope.

Greg Hahn (D)
One syllable in his first name and one syllable in his last name; a linguist’s dream. Not since Jack Kemp has there been an easier politician’s name to remember.

What We Know About Greg Hahn:

* Greg Hahn lives in Bristol.
* Greg Hahn speaks English.
* Greg Hahn plays the trumpet.
* Greg Hahn wears black stylistic glasses on his face that are not Buddy Holly, cat eye or Sally Jesse Rafael style glasses. In fact, I don’t know what they are but he wears them and wears them well.

Debate Question for Greg Hahn:
What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
Answer: A trumpet player.

Eric Carlson (R)
“Eric Carlson” is apparently a candidate for city council.

What We Know About “Eric Carlson”

Nothing.

His political signs are scarce, his press clippings are on the endangered species list and an Amber Alert was issued for his candidacy.

Other Valuable Information About “Eric Carlson” For the Voter:
None available.

Josh Medeiros (D)

Josh Medeiros is a first-time candidate for public office. He was recreation coordinator and aquatics – blah, blah, blah.

What We Know About Josh Medeiros:

A Google search for the name “Josh Medeiros” shows he resides in Nebraska, Massachusetts, Kansas, and London, England.

According to IMDb Josh Medeiros is best known for his part in Detour to Hell.
He later appeared in Bigfoot and Other Adventures

Josh Medeiros is also the General Manager of Rail Stop Restaurant & Bar, Engineer for the Town of Dartmouth, President of Massachusetts-Vet-a-Dog, and an Assistant Coach for the Mt. Hope Huskies Boys Hockey Team, which won a DIII State Championship in 2016 even though he knows nothing about hockey.

The election is Tuesday November 7, 2017. Stay semi-informed with Alan Boardman’s semi-comprehensive and semi-accurate election coverage.

I have no idea how this sentence got here.


Oh No Not Again!

October 19, 2017

Having adjourned to the Chamber of Seclusion in the subterranean section of City Hall and, using the Cone of Decision to guide them, the Bristol City Council in a unanimous vote Monday night censured Mayor Ken Cockayne for the second time in as many years for sexual misconduct and dishonesty.

The council did not take this matter lightly. Acting mayor Tony D’Amato ordered the doors to the great chamber sealed with mortar and cement with instructions they not be opened until a decision was rendered, even if they ordered takeout.

Once the “council conclave” began the city councilor’s, in addition to using the Cone of Decision, consulted with the Great Orb of Influence, which had not been invoked since Frank Longo was mayor during the teacher’s strike in the 1970s.

Anticipation grew and speculation was plenty at 111 N. Main Street when suddenly white smoke spilled from a chimney atop City Hall, signifying the council had reached a decision.

Tony D’Amato emerged from the Chamber of Seclusion visibly shaken, but with his hands clasped together, he kept repeating, “Buona sera (good evening)! Buona sera!”

The town crier, dressed elaborately in a purple and gold coat, breeches, boots and a tricorne hat, read the news about the mayors’ fate using his outdoor voice.

Once the town crier completed his remarks, Calvin Brown and Mary Fortier released two white doves into the Bristol night in a gesture of hope. Where they obtained the doves and how they got the doves into the Chamber of Seclusion and past the Great Orb of Influence remains a mystery, and could warrant its own investigation.

WHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING

Egor (Mayor’s spokesperson)

“Ruh roh! Egor tink dis be bad. Rrr.”

Rick Kriscenski (possible write-in candidate for mayor)
“I predicted this would occur 20 years ago. If we had built an ice rink like I said this never would have happened. Oh, by the way, Trumpism will destroy Bristol.”

Ted Liu (Forestville resident)
“Bristol City Council Censures Mayor a Second Time? I think three times gets him a membership in the Academy in Hollywood.”