City Hall Open Monday

May 13, 2018

Following two days off, fans of city government are excited because Bristol City Hall is open for business Monday!

Tourists hoping to get a glimpse of city workers in their natural habitat, can do so between the hours of 8:30 a.m. and 5 p.m. as a full day of work is expected for many. “All proceedings will occur as scheduled,” the mayor’s office said in a statement.

The workday begins with a ribbon-cutting ceremony ushering in the new day, and concludes with a performance by Up with People. “It’s a huge honor and privilege,” the cultural and civic organization told Boardman. “We are excited to close a city hall workday with a Closing Ceremony.”

Visitors to City Hall are reminded of the following rules:

Visitors are encouraged to take photographs for their personal use and to share with family, friends but not with strangers.
Do not speak with employees or look them directly in the eyes.
No soliciting.
Feeding employees is strictly prohibited.

ATTRACTIONS

Assessor’s Office

It’s impressive to watch these city officials determine the value of real property within the city of Bristol. The exhibit’s enclosure was designed and constructed to ensure the comfort, safety and health of the employees and visitors alike.

Public Works

The heartbeat of city. They care for the city’s infrastructure by building things like roads and schools and parks. The exhibit showcases employees working in the office in real time. Visitors see the characteristics of office life, including the social structure.

Registrar of Voters

The Registrar of Voters Exhibit is closed for maintenance.

Personnel Department/Human Resources or Whatever it is Called

Visitors can go nose to nose with the Personnel Director and staff in a state of the art exhibit featuring a glass viewing wall. Guests can peer in from several observation points and see for themselves: What does the Personnel Director do? Where does the Personnel Director go? Who does the Personnel Director see and visit? Find out the who, the what, the where, the when and the why.

Please note: Some exhibits close 30 minutes before closing, except for the Tax Office, which closes 45 minutes before closing just to be difficult.

IS THERE A GIFT SHOP FOR SOUVENIRS?
Be sure to visit the City Hall Gift Shop for city hall accessories, apparel and plushies of your favorite city officials.

CAN I HOST A BIRTHDAY PARTY FOR MY CHILD AT CITY HALL?
No.

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City Council Minutes Now Available in Paperback

April 13, 2018

The March minutes to the Bristol City Council meeting from March 13, 2018, are now available in paperback.

The March 2018 council meeting comes to life as the curious reader will enjoy a transcript of the Committee Reports, Resignations, Consent Calendar, Unfinished Business and Appointments.

The book also goes beyond the issues and explores the requirements of a public meeting, agenda preparation and approval, how to type the minutes, how to read the minutes, how to have a fun little quorum, the joys of FOI requests and so much more.

A compendium of all things city council is included in the back of the book in the area where people usually do not read nor venture.

It is not the Camelot of the Arthurian world or the Algonquin Roundtable, but a suzerainty that insufflates an iconic building with the mundane and mysterious.

This edition comes with a fifty-page preface by Mayor Ellen Zoppo-Sassu complete with references and a story about an extra credit project she did in college.

The book is also available as an audio book narrated by the mayor with music by the kazoo section of the Bristol Philharmonic.

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Product details
• Series: Bristol City Council Classics
• Paperback: 512 pages
• Publisher: 111 North Main; 1 edition (March 13, 2018)
• Language: Supposedly English
• Product Dimensions: 5 x 0.9 x 7.8 inches
• Shipping Weight: 12.6 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)– does not ship outside Bristol/Forestville
• Average Customer Review: 4.2 out of 5 stars 941 customer reviews
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #1,354,322.5 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
• #3,000560 in Books > Law > Regional > Bristol
• #100,000 in Books > Textbooks > Epic
• #3 in Books > Literature & Fiction > Poetry > Regional & Cultural > Ellen Zoppo-Sassu

Customer Reviews

This is my favorite book of all time!
E. Zoppo-Sassu

I’ve long been a fan of the Bristol City Council Classics series, so when I heard a new edition was coming out, I was so excited I had to tell my pet fish Sophie all about it. While I enjoyed the controversial “2018 February Minutes of the Bristol City Council,” this one is by far the best the City Council has put out IMHO. I’m excited that it is finally in paperback!
E. Gurney

I’ve read many books like this including the picture book, “2018 February Minutes of the Southington City Council,” and the “Selected Federal Taxation Statutes and Regulations: 2018 with Motro Tax Map (Selected Statutes).” This was fairly entertaining once you get past the two days it takes to read the preface. However, if you want a quicker read, try the “2018 Hartford Balanced Budget Plan.”
W. Betts


I give this book a low rating because I thought I had purchased a different book.
H. Weinstein

From the seller
We are sorry for the mixup. Your copy of the 2018 March Minutes of the Bristol City Council of Hot Babes is on its way.


MBS Building Committee Breaks Up Due to Creative Differences

April 8, 2018

Yesterday, the Memorial Boulevard School (MBS) Building Committee announced they are breaking up due to infighting and creative differences.

Formed in 2015, the building committee had a meteoric rise as MBSmania gripped the community and residents embraced their work.

A series of films were released to capitalize on their popularity: A Hard Day’s MBS and All You Need is MBS.

Consequently, an over confident chairman remarked to the Bristol Press in 2016, “We are more popular than the Planning Commission.”

The statement sparked outrage among Bristol Republicans so they burned their MBS memorabilia, and urged Bristol schools to ban books about MBS from being read in classrooms.

That same year rumors swirled that committee member Limping Larry died in a breathing accident and was replaced with a look-a-like.

Appearing on the Bristol Beat, an online radio station at the time, in the summer of 2017 and having been around petroleum products all day, lead conspiracy theorist Myron Goldberg stated, “There are no photos of the committee and the name of Forestville resident Limping Larry appears nowhere on their webpage or their minutes? Why?” Sipping from a cup of antifreeze he continued, “If you read the committee minutes backwards and then read them forwards there are clues suggesting Limping Larry is deceased, but there are no clues suggesting he is dead. How can that be?

Following Mr. Goldberg’s appearance, Limping Larry is Dead began trending for almost an entire minute.

The committee was soon beset with internal problems.

The summer of 2017 MBS members and their families visited India to meditate with the Maharishi, but returned almost immediately because there was no Starbucks, and they discovered the Maharishi died in 2008.

The Maharishi

During the final days of the 2017 municipal election and as the MBS project became a campaign issue, two members of the committee staged a Bed-in called “Give MBS a Chance.”

The bed-in was beset with problems from the onset because one member wanted a Bob-o-pedic mattress while the other wanted a Craftmatic adjustable bed, and there were issues with the pillows.

Last month they surprised everyone by holding their monthly meeting on the roof of city hall in what can only be called a desperate last gasp. The meeting was taped by Nutmeg TV for a movie to be called Let Us Be.

Based on these issues and several other factors their breakup was announced early Saturday.

City councilors will wear black armbands at Tuesday’s council meeting, and the City of Bristol’s flag will fly at half-staff during lunch Monday.

Sebastian Goo contributed nothing to this story.


Annual Reading of the City Ordinances to Take Place Sunday

April 7, 2018

The annual “Reading of the City Ordinances” will take place Sunday at the Page Park Pavilion beginning at 11AM.

City councilors accompanied by the mayor will lead a procession into the park where they will read all the city ordinances including the appendixes.

The mayor, plus each councilor, will individually arrive carried on a palanquin by eight grown men, wearing color coordinated sashes and turbans.

Citizens are encouraged to arrive early as the streets around the park will be filled with cheering crowds.

While his colleagues read from Bristol’s Book of Ordinances, Councilman Greg Hahn will play an accompaniment on his horn featuring songs from the Great American Song Book including Duke Ellington, Dave Brubeck and Tommy Tutone.

The ceremony begins with a reading from the Charter before moving through the ordinances beginning with Chapter 1, General Provisions and concluding with Chapter 23, Ordinance Enforcement.

Special Guest readers will include state legislators “Give em Hell” Henri Martin and Whitt Betts (R-78), who must leave early for reasons only he and he alone knows.

Others dignitaries expected to attend, but only to wave at the adoring crowds are Cara Christine Pavalock-D’Amato (R-77) and Laura Bartok, Democratic challenger in the 77th state house district.

Meanwhile, City Councilor Josh Medeiros will appear in the role as Josh Medeiros, and City Councilor Peter Kelley with an e will appear courtesy of Peter Kelley with an e.

END

———————————————–

Alan Boardman is a former reporter for McClatchy newspapers, New York Times, London Times, San Francisco Bee, Wall Street Journal, Chicago Tribune, Washington Post, Los Angeles Times, The Christin Science Monitor, The Boston Globe, Houston Chronicle, and Toronto Star where he covered business, CIA, Justice Department, Foreign relations, and Tourism.

He throws right hits both, shoots 85% from the line and has a QB rating of 101.7. He once had a bank account with Bristol Savings Bank, and read the Warren Report in an afternoon because he was bored.

Alan Boardman has nothing to do after lunch today so if anyone from the “inner circle” is around text him because he would like to go out for an Iced coffee; yesterday has not ended yet.


In Effort to Prove They Believe in Free Trade, China Raises More Obstacles to U.S. Imports

April 5, 2018

Complaining about unreasonable duties and other restrictions China places on U.S. manufacturers, Trump announced duties on select Chinese imports. In response, China raised their tariffs even further. The most concerning for Wall Street were those on soybeans, partially or totally deterred tobacco, undeterred tobacco, and utterly shameless tobacco.

Tariffs will also affect “vehicles equipped with a compression-ignition reciprocating piston internal combustion engine and a drive motor that can be charged by plugging in an external power source.” Exempt are those with equid-driven power systems, also known as “horse-drawn carriages.”

In searching for new imports to tax, China added to the list non-Chinese-speaking camelids, peanuts processed in a facility that also processes peanuts, and wheat-based corn. Said one farmer in Narnia, “This will definitely impact us where for generations, the White Witch let us and the beaver family raise corn from wheat seeds.”

Noted Wall Street alarmist Jed Whooshan was alarmed by the added tariffs on 1,1,1-trichloro-2,2-Bis(4-chlorophenyl)ethane products, primary shaped epoxy resin and odd-shaped bubblegum. In a call to subscribers to his newsletter, he changed his recommendation from buying gold to buying more gold. “The only thing that would change my recommendation,” he said, “is if China allowed in 1,2,1-trichloro-2,2-Bis(4-chlorophenyl)ethane. In which case, investors should buy gold.”

The China-U.S. trade issue mirrors the trade problem plaguing Bristol. In an effort to level the playing field with Southington, the Bristol city council is considering tariffs and leveling their playing field, which is two inches higher at one end. In the crosshairs are imports of apples, female escorts and toys won at booths in the Southington half of Lake Compounce.


Four Keys to a Successful City Council Meeting Tonight

March 13, 2018

Tonight at 7PM there is a City Council meeting.

The City Council has gotten off to a good start this year, but in order to keep the momentum going there are four keys to make sure that tonight’s meeting is successful too.

Why only four keys? Because Boardman could not think of five.

Opening Ceremonies

It is important the meeting begin without any problems and what better way than to have the Pledge of Allegiance happen without a hitch. If everyone does it unison it should be a good night. However, if someone misses a beat it will be an omen of things to come.

Peter Kelley with an e Needs to Turn his Microphone on and Keep it on

Mr. Kelley has difficulties with his microphone because he forgets to turn it on and keep it on. “I need to cut down on my unforced errors. It’s a killing us in the red zone during these meetings,” Mr. Kelley explained at Media Day last Tuesday. “There is no question I have to take better care of the microphone.”

Consent Calendar

The City Council is addressing what many residents have complained about for years and years: the length of the Consent Calendar. At press time there are nine items on the agenda for tonight. As a result, they announced new initiatives, which includes a countdown clock and buzzers for items that run long.

Councilors will also be reminded by the Chair to cut down on their use of adjectives, and to read faster.

If the Corporation Counsel Chimes in it Could be a Long Night

Should the Corporation Counsel get control of the microphone the Chair may never get it back, and thus lose the audience and the meeting.

“Time of Possession is important at meetings like this,” Councilwoman Mary Fortier told Boardman. The audience does not want to hear words like “complex litigation” or “update” or “Petitioner v so and so”. If the City Council can win the time of possession battle this will be a successful meeting.”

At the meeting in February they nearly lost control because the Corporation Counsel went on and on with details regarding four lawsuits that were never brought to the council for approval.

District 2 Councilman Dave Preleski said he was stunned by those revelations, “I was stunned by those revelations and didn’t think we would ever get the microphone back. Josh (Medeiros) and I ordered takeout because it took so long. Who knew?”

The City Council meeting starts at 7PM with an after party beginning shortly thereafter.


The Boardman Round Table

February 28, 2018

There are deep political divisions within our country and our city concerning a multitude of issues. People talk at one another and not with one another. Social media is a playground of insults, accusations and innuendo. Alas, no one is listening.

Therefore, Boardman brought together under one roof all of Bristol’s elected officials at the state and municipal level to start the process of listening.

The meeting was held as a light rain fell on a Saturday afternoon at Parkside Café after hours. The waiter, food and a round table made it a luncheon.

A buzzer, like is used at the debates, was included so answers would not run long.

Below is a transcript of the conversation.

In Attendance

State Legislators

Henri Martin State Senator (R-31)
Whit Betts State Rep. (R-78)
Cara Pavalock-D’Amato State Rep. (R-77)
Chris Ziogas State Rep. (D-79)

City Council and Mayor’s Office

Ellen Zoppo-Sassu (D) Mayor
Greg Hahn (D) District One
Joshua Medeiros (D) District One
Peter Kelley with an e (D) District Two
David Preleski (D) District Two
Mary Fortier (D) District Three
Dave Mills (R) District Three

Town Committee Representatives

Jeff Caggiano (R) Chairman Republican Town Committee
Deane Kilbourne (D) Chairman Democratic Town Committee

Other

Egor (?) spokesperson for the former mayor and a political operative

Boardman:
Senator Martin let’s start with you. You have served in Hartford for four years, and have not brought any money back to Bristol. So-

Henri (interrupting):
My bid is $550 Alan.

Boardman:
No, wait. This is not the Price is Right.

SENATOR MARTIN ABRUPTLY EXITS

Boardman:
Jeff, what was that about?

Jeff Caggiano:
Hey, you got to go, you got to go. Or, he thinks he overbid.

Boardman:
Greg Hahn. Why do you think there is such political discord not only in Bristol, but the country as well?

Greg Hahn (pushes back his chair, stands and casually begins to walk around the table with a hand in his pocket):
Ya know. In the beginning there was nothing. But then man discovered fire and then Netflix.

Cara (sarcastically):
Sit-down Gregory!

Boardman:
Ah Cara. Glad you are here. You have a ninety-three percent approval rating from the NRA. So, we know where you stand on the second amendment, but where are you on any of the other amendments such as-

(phone rings)

Cara:
Hang on I have to take this. It could be Tony (her husband). Hello?

Boardman:
Jeff what do you make of this?

Jeff Caggiano (putting his phone away):
Hey if you get a call you get a call.

Boardman:
Mary Fortier. You are Bristol’s first female acting mayor, and your tenure in this post was recently extended. Has this duty placed an additional burden on you?

Mary Fortier:
Ya know Alan I am glad you asked me this question, but first I would like to remind everyone that you can pay your water bill online. It is so easy that even-

BUZZER SOUND

Boardman:
Sorry Mary you are out of time.

Mary:
Why does this always happen to me?

Boardman:
Egor. Unlike the previous administration where city council meetings were full of anger and chaos, current council meetings have no drama. Why is that?

Egor:
Rrr. Her (motioning to Ellen) be a queen tell what to do.

Ellen:
Alan if I may. I have written a 32-page report, properly annotated with a vocab page too, outlining how I am not a queen as defined by Webster’s Dictionary Eleventh Edition. The report also has my inaugural address in case you have not read it, and an essay I wrote when I was six about the structure of municipal government. Take one and pass the rest down please.

Boardman:
Mr. Mills. A voice of reason here. Any thoughts?

Mr. Mills:
Grab, grab, grab. What we need is a seal here and a seal here, and we can run this play in the alley.

Boardman:
Jeff?

Jeff Caggiano:
As you know he was a football coach so sometimes he uses his inner Vince Lombardi to convey a thought. Translation, let’s get something done together.

Boardman:
Josh Medeiros?

Josh:
My vote is yay and I have an announcement. The Youth Kids Club has created a club within in its club geared towards kids and they meet-

Boardman (interrupting):
This is not a city council meeting.

Josh:
I am so sorry. I am just so use to voting yay and making announcements because it’s all I do and-

Boardman (interrupting):
Has anyone scene Councilman Peter Kelley with an e? Dean Kilbourne, where is he?

DEAN KILBOURNE shrugs his shoulders

Ellen:
Alan, if I may. That is called the Waterbury fade.

Boardman:
The Waterbury what?

Ellen:
He left after Mary ran out of time…again. Consequently, I wrote a 32-page report, properly sourced with a bibliography and a copy of my inaugural and the Virginia Declaration of Rights, for good measure. Take one and pass the rest down please.

Boardman:
Oh, hey look everyone, 2017 Write-in candidate Rick Kriscenski is here, thank you for joining us today.

LIGHT APPLAUSE

Boardman (continued):
I see you are wearing your Humpty Dumpty was Pushed t-shirt. Do you have anything you care to offer?

Rick:
Sanctuary…cities.

REMAINING ATTENDEES GET UP AND LEAVE IN UNISON

Ellen:
Alan, if I may. Do you know why they left?

Boardman:
No but I suppose you are going to tell me that you wrote a thirty something page white paper with a syllabus and study materials.

Ellen (eye roll):
Uh nooo.

Boardman:
Thank God. Hey let’s go get an Iced Coffee.

Ellen:
I don’t drink Iced Coffee; you know this.

Boardman:
Oh that’s right I forgot.

Ellen:
I figured you would so I wrote a 32-page report about it with a…