January 21, 2018
Connecticut’s beloved governor, Dannel Malloy, released a statement decrying the federal government shutdown. “The president and congressional Republicans [need to do] do their job [and pass a budget].”
The governor expressed his outrage that the government would not have a budget. “This will hit the budgets of towns across Connecticut. No politician should cause pain for municipalities,” he added. “How long will this go on? No government runs well without a budget for days or weeks or months.”
So far, ten Connecticut towns marked themselves as safe in the 2018 government shutdown event on Facebook.
The State Republican Party tweeted a response to Malloy’s statement. However, the response was shadow banned by Twitter for excessive ironic content.
July 19, 2017
As Connecticut’s 2017 Special Session continues with no end in sight, lawmakers were pleased to learn today they will not go home empty handed once the session is completed.
Each legislator will receive a 2017 Special Session T-shirt and headband courtesy of the League of Women Voters. Some will even be lavished with special session gift bags from lobbyists.
Here is a list compiled by Boardman of the freebies local legislators will receive in their gift bags:
Due to her affinity for good quality high heels, the footwear lobby is really taking care of the state representative from the 77th District with several pairs of Christian Louboutin heels in neon, black and gunmetal gray. As an added bonus they included Dr. Scholl’s® High Heels Relieve Insoles and toe spacers too. But that is not all.
Also included are plush slippers, facials and massages at a flotation spa in Desert Springs, spices from the Orient, Polynesian Bath Bombs and a Shop Rite protein bar.
“Give ’em Hell” Henri Martin
Assistant Senate Republican Majority Leader and real estate tycoon is getting a one year subscription to McMansionHell.com.
Bristol’s very own political aristocrat will find in his “swag bag” a humidor, Cuban Cigars, caviar, several tins of pâté de foie gras, one vintage bottle of 1959 Château Lafite-Rothschild for his wine cellar, new foxhunting apparel, a Fabergé Imperial Easter Egg and a Subway coupon good for a free six inch.
Because he is the new guy he just gets the ill-fitting 2017 Special Session T-shirt.
April 10, 2016
As everyone who isn’t educated in public school knows, the president has an aide with him at all times who carries with him the nuclear codes that activate America’s nuclear missile systems. These codes have historically been determined by a random-number generator. However, given the risk of the generator being hacked, the president has turned to the Connecticut State Lottery for help.
The Lottery plans to generate the codes for the president using an air-flow machine filled with ping-pong balls, just like they do to choose winning lottery numbers with only a few changes mandated by the military.
First, the balls will be made from titanium to resist damage by a terrorist attack. And second, a 20-foot tall tornado machine will be used to generate the 100-mph winds needed to lift the heavy balls into the air.
Titanium ping pong balls to be used to determine nuclear launch codes
“My gosh, we are thrilled!” said Anne Noble, Lottery President upon receiving word from the Pentagon. “This is a terrific way to promote our fun games. It may also help the United States. In honor of this honor, we will announce a new game called ‘Lucky Missiles’ where if you match three missiles, you destroy the world and get up to $500 in Bitcoins.”
A Pentagon spokesman said that while this is an old technology, it remains a secure method. “We don’t want to leave anything to chance,” he said.