Connecticut Lottery to Determine Nuclear Launch Codes

April 10, 2016

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As everyone who isn’t educated in public school knows, the president has an aide with him at all times who carries with him the nuclear codes that activate America’s nuclear missile systems. These codes have historically been determined by a random-number generator. However, given the risk of the generator being hacked, the president has turned to the Connecticut State Lottery for help.

The Lottery plans to generate the codes for the president using an air-flow machine filled with ping-pong balls, just like they do to choose winning lottery numbers with only a few changes mandated by the military.

First, the balls will be made from titanium to resist damage by a terrorist attack. And second, a 20-foot tall tornado machine will be used to generate the 100-mph winds needed to lift the heavy balls into the air.

Ping pong balls to be used to determine new launch codes

Titanium ping pong balls to be used to determine nuclear launch codes

“My gosh, we are thrilled!” said Anne Noble, Lottery President upon receiving word from the Pentagon. “This is a terrific way to promote our fun games. It may also help the United States. In honor of this honor, we will announce a new game called ‘Lucky Missiles’ where if you match three missiles, you destroy the world and get up to $500 in Bitcoins.”

A Pentagon spokesman said that while this is an old technology, it remains a secure method. “We don’t want to leave anything to chance,” he said.