Mayor Creates Task Force to Determine “What is Going On?”

December 3, 2015
Task Force

Task Force

City Hall has been eerily quiet since the election much in the same manner that London was quiet prior to the Blitz.

In response, the mayor will create a task force to look into the matter and determine why nothing is going on politically. “The democrats are way too quiet for my liking so I am suspicious. What are they up to a coup d’état? In fact, what am I up to? What am I doing? I don’t even know and I need to know,” the mayor said from his fortified office.

If the task force is unable to obtain those answers he will direct republican leader Derek Czenczelewski to issue FOI requests on “everybody” because “he is good at that.”

It is not known which citizens will be on the task force, however, but a leading candidate is Egor, the mayor’s spokesperson. “Me want on task force. I do best. It be funs. Errrr!” he stated proudly.

Egor wants on the task force

Egor wants on the task force

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Apocalypse Now

November 4, 2015
Apocalypse Now

Apocalypse Now

After the election results were finalized Tuesday night showing Ken Cockayne was elected mayor for another two years, Forestville became the democratic party’s vision of hell. Dozens upon dozens of registered democrats flooded the streets of Forestville blubbering and howling, distraught over the outcome.

City GOP Leader Derek Czenczelewski seeing so many democrats gathered in one place breathed, “The horror! The horror!” And later he was heard muttering, “I must find out who voted against the mayor. Can I FOI that?”

Meanwhile the democrats were incapable of speaking their mouths could make sounds no more so stunned were they.

More were bewildered their minds void.

Notable democrats such as Mary Fortier and Calvin Brown walked the decaying village streets like zombies – dead inside falling into the “the heart of an immense darkness.”

And many more were heard screaming and shrieking the agony too much to bear.

In an early-Wednesday morning tweet-storm Egor, Forestville’s most popular republican and the mayor’s spokesperson, weighed in on the election results.

Egor tweet-storm 1

Egor tweet-storm 1

Egor tweet-storm 2

Egor tweet-storm 2

Two hours later, Egor was back turning his attention to the future.

Egor tweet-storm

Egor tweet-storm

As the night closed one lonely democrat, his face wretched in pain, and his soul barren found the courage to speak of the Forestville that is to be. Borrowing from T.S. Eliot he whispered, “This is the way Forestville ends: Not with a bang but a whimper.”

Egor

Egor


Mayor wants to Land a Man on the Surface of the Sun

November 3, 2015
Manned mission to the sun possible

Manned mission to the sun possible

Speaking before a sparse audience at the Warren G. Harding Society of Forestville, Mayor Ken Cockayne presented a major policy speech on the eve of the 2015 election. The mayor speaking confidently and with his feet firmly planted on the floor said, “I believe we should commit ourselves before this decade is out, or when my term is up whichever comes first, of landing a man on the surface of the sun and returning him safely back to earth. Seriously…Why are you folks laughing?…I am not trying to be funny…Stop laughing…You’re hurting my feelings…Egor!”

The mayor is often characterized by his opponents as a do nothing mayor. However City GOP leader Derek Czenczelewski said that is not true and this idea proves it. “If we go at night when the sun goes down and land on the dark side of the sun during the winter solstice we can do it, especially if the guy wears a fire retardant suit with all that tinfoil stuff. It would be so awesome.”

Mr. Czenczelewski elaborated further by explaining that the mayor can achieve this goal without raising taxes, and a rocket to the sun would be a significant step towards redeveloping downtown.

Drawing of the "Forestville Rocket" going to the sun.

Drawing of the “Forestville Rocket” going to the sun.


The Mayor is Not Afraid

October 17, 2015
Egor, the mayor's spokesperson

Egor, the mayor’s spokesperson

Forestville voters have only one opportunity to see the mayoral candidates debate prior to November’s election because Mayor Ken Cockayne is too busy.

Egor, the mayor’s campaign manager and spokesperson, stated the mayor is not chicken contrary to public opinion. “The mayor is not chicken or weak or gutless or a yellow belly, namby-pamby wussy scaredy-cat afraid of his opponent or the issues. He’s just been real busy building a particle accelerator and it takes up all of his time when he is not being the mayor and stuff. Seriously.”

The debate is hosted by Chamber of Commerce and is Monday, October 19, 2015, from 6:00 p.m. to 9:00 p.m. at the Saint Paul Catholic High School Auditorium.

A chicken

A chicken


FOI This

September 1, 2015
Derek Czenczelewski (Artist Rendering)

Derek Czenczelewski
(Artist Rendering)

In recent weeks there has been a series of Freedom of Information (FOI) requests and complaints filed concerning government matters at city hall.

Despite the silliness, City GOP leader Derek Czenczelewski said Mayor Ken Cockayne is a great leader and should be reelected because he can do 25 push-ups. “The mayor can do at least 25 push-ups, which is so awesome. It shows he is a real go-getter. His democratic opponent for mayor can’t do 25 push-ups. No way. So, like no one should vote for her.”

City Democratic Chairman Dean Kilbourne is not impressed, “The mayor can do 25 push-ups? I am going to issue an FOI request and see if that is true.”

When told of Mr. Kilbourne’s plan Czenczelewski sniffed, “Really an FOI request? Well, I will issue an FOI request about his FOI request. Two can play that game,’ he said.

A spokesperson for the mayor was unaware of the recent dust up between Kilbourne and Czenczelewski. As a result she planned to issue an FOI request rather than call them to see if it were true. “Why talk to someone when you can just do an FOI request,” the spokesperson said.

Ken Cockayne (Artist Rendering)

Ken Cockayne
(Artist Rendering)