School Bus Driver to Start Tours of Forestville

March 30, 2016

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Dewey Jasper, a school bus driver for the town, will be providing tours of Forestville.

The tour includes the many interesting sights and attractions such as the library, two rocks that kind of look like faces and his ex-girlfriend’s house. “It’s not stalking if I’m at her house on business,” he remarked confidently.

Mr. Jasper said the tour lasts five to ten minutes, depending on traffic and if the school bus breaks down or not, and includes his live off color and open ended commentary.

The school bus tours leave from the Todd Street lot and happen infrequently during the daytime and evening hours beginning Friday night.

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No Fights During Black Friday – Residents Disappointed

November 28, 2015

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This morning Forestville retailers reported that no brawls, melees or fracases occurred during Black Friday shopping, much to the disappointment of local residents. “I so wanted an all-out brawl; a real barn burner you know,” said Dewey Jasper. “I look forward to fights between bargain hunters. It’s part of Christmas.”

Zack Flanders was disappointed too. “What is wrong with people? Don’t they know fights are expected? Where was the hair pulling, the kicking with the yelling and the screaming?”

According to Mr. Flanders people need unruly Black Friday shoppers descending into violence, “People want the violence. They need the violence they crave the violence. I guess in some way it’s a gift. When Christmas shoppers don’t fight it is selfish because the fighting makes us feel better about ourselves, and that in and of itself is the spirit of Christmas,” he observed.

AB
Madness

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Stock your cupboards Syrian Refugees are Coming! Mayor Urges Calm

November 18, 2015

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Forestville social media is on fire with rumors that Syrian refugees fleeing their war torn country will be relocated to Forestville as part of an organized international humanitarian program.

Residents expressed outrage because there will be a run on Syrian cuisine at the supermarket. “If they think they are going to come here and eat all of the kebab and hummus they’ve got another thing coming,” said Silas Minutia.

Added another equally frustrated and furious Dewey Jasper,  “I am stocking up now on baklava. My pantry will be filled to capacity shortly and I will protect it at all costs. Lock and load baby!”

The mayor, seeing matters were spiraling out of control, took to the airwaves to quell fears. “Remain calm people. There will be enough Syrian food and food from the entire Ottoman empire to go around. I give you my word as your mayor and as your neighbor.”

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Deavers Halloween Party

November 4, 2010

There is a great divide socially and economically when it comes to living in Forestville, you either live north of the railroad tracks or south of the railroad tracks, there is no in between.  However, when it comes to a party at the home of John and Barbara Deavers, Forestville’s most opulent couple, it does not matter where you reside in the village because for that brief moment we are all one.

It seemed as though all of Forestville attended the Deavers annual Halloween Party at their palatial estate last Saturday night.  The guest list included Audra and Solomon Weeks, Cookie Gension, Juan Gutierrez, Kletis Denim, Mitchell Luby and a date, Hank Lee Bowers and his wife Lisa, Mike Hill, Al Tunis, Bob Kneeper, Mr. and Mrs. Youch, Joe Kapperstein, Dewey Jasper, Norbert Pendleton, Zack Flanders, party crashers Maria Malvado and Silas Minutia, Larson Canover, Heather Ross and her husband Rick and countless others.

Unfortunately John Deavers was not in attendance because he was away on business, and what a shame because he missed another fantastic party thrown by his wife.  Their home was decorated in Halloween garb and the band hired for the night played a steady soundtrack of rock-n-roll hits from the 60s, 70s and 80s.

The best costume prize, which is very popular and brings out the best in Forestville’s residents creativity, went to garage mechanic Hank Lee Bowers.  Mr. Bowers attended the party dressed as a breathalyzer.

At the end of the evening Mrs. Deavers assured me their annual Christmas Party will go on without Mr. Deavers as he will be away.  She will conduct their carol sing through the streets of Forestville…north and south of the railroad tracks.


Sasquatch spotted?

September 3, 2009
Is there a Bigfoot roaming in the Pequabuck River?

Is there a Bigfoot roaming in the Pequabuck River?

Is there a Sasquatch in the Forestville area?  Well, in recent weeks several residents told me they saw a hairy creature in the Pequabuck River near the Broad Street Pump Station that stands about six feet tall.  The unidentified creature was seen traipsing through the Pequabuck River early in the morning over the last few weeks.  However, a volunteer with the Forestville Department of Forestry stated off the record that it in all likelihood the creature in question is probably a bear.  But Dewey Jasper (the only person willing to go on the record) who works near the Pump Station doubts it, “I hunt and I have seen bears up close so I know what a bear looks like.  The thing I saw was not a bear.” 

 I don’t know what to make of this. 

 More to come.

 AB


Man coerced into entering duck race by seductive wife, fears for life

March 31, 2009
Forestville duck race coming in May

Forestville duck race coming in May

Five thousand plastic ducks will float down the Pequabuck River at 2PM on Sunday May 3rd to raise money for the beautification of Forestville center, but one village resident believes the winner will never be seen again. 

 

Dewey Jasper has no interest in the annual duck race.  “Did you ever notice that winners of this race just disappear never to be heard from again like Yaphet Kotto in the movie The Running Man?  Well, I ain’t gonna be the next Yaphet Kotto,” Mr. Jasper said while cleaning his bolt action rifle.  Dewey stated he was coerced by his wife into purchasing several ducks in the race with the promise of a seductive outfit during their conjugal relations this weekend.  “I’m pathetic,” admitted an embarrassed Mr. Jasper. 

The ducks will be dumped in the river on Andrew Street, and the first duck to cross the finish line at the Central Street Bridge will be declared the winner, with the owner of the winning duck (ticket) receiving a prize.  Should it be Dewey Jasper he will be upset “If my plastic duck wins that dam race and I die right after it.  I’m gonna be pisssed.  I don’t want to die.”

Man fears duck race?

Man fears duck race?