City Hall Ushers in February

February 3, 2019

Friday, shortly before 10 am, the City of Bristol welcomed the month of February with a ribbon-cutting ceremony at City Hall.

City councilors Greg Hahn and Peter Kelley with an E were in attendance and made remarks. Mr. Hahn, speaking from his diaphragm and using a multitude of hand gestures to make big points, thanked the citizenry for attending and then thanked a laundry list of people and organizations for making February possible including: Princess Grace, Eleanor Roosevelt, Harriet Tubman, Lord Byron, Michio Kaku, Oliver Cromwell, King Henry the VIII, the Battle of Saratoga, Tupac, Hulk Hogan, Evonne Goolagong, Boris Becker, Seiji Ozawa, the Ghostbusters, Sir Francis of Assisi, Sir Francis Drake, Drakes Cakes, Walt “Clyde” Frazier, the Budweiser Frogs, Florence Nightingale, Charles Drew, Bristol High School Class of 1958, Sitting Bull, Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely-Hearts Club Band (Reprise), and…∞.

Around noon the next day he completed his remarks and then began playing random selections from the Great American Songbook on his recently tuned trumpet. However, half way thru his second set while Mr. Hahn cleaned the spit valve and spoke of life’s paradoxes between songs and the afternoon shadows began to consume the parking lot, Peter Kelley with an E seized the microphone and asked, “Lunch anyone?”

The proceedings came to an abrupt end and the remaining crowd adjourned to Main Street Pint & Plate for some brews, cold cuts and a few more tunes.

A good time was had bad all and now they eagerly await March.


Democrats Eat Food Raise Money

October 21, 2018

Bristol Democrats braved the cold Thursday night and gathered in the North End, and the safety of the Polish Club for their annual dinner.

Tickets were priced at $25 each or $45 for two. The dinner was free if you decided not to attend and stay home.

Rank and file Democrats came from every voting district in town including the Peoples Republic of Chippens Hill. The two known registered democrats were surprisingly issued travel papers, and allowed to the attend the event but under a watchful eye by the Chippens Hill Travel Authority.

The menu featured Baked Ziti, Meatballs, Roasted Potatoes and Tossed Salad. This event was for a bunch of lefties, which left many wondering where were the avocados, the granola and the tofu?

Door prizes for the night were leftovers, candidate lawn signs and opportunities to take photos of important people. In some instances, the rank and file potato eaters were allowed to be in the photos with the important people.

The guest list included Hartford Mayor Luke Bronin, and some lawyer running for Attorney General. According to a source, noted liberals Yo-Yo Ma and Barbra Streisand were unable to attend.

The Boardman Interview: Kern Park

December 16, 2017

Entrance to Kern Park

Kern Park is a 24-acre neighborhood park located in the northeast section of Bristol near Ivy Drive School. The park, plagued by neglect and vandalism since its development in 1970, became a campaign issue for the District 1 council candidates during the 2017 municipal election. However, due to the hard work of volunteers and some attention from the city, a renaissance has begun but some bitter feelings remain.

Boardman sat down with Kern Park for an interview near Sergio’s Pizza one of his favorite haunts. Kern arrived late appearing tired and worn; decades of neglect and abuse from the city have obviously taken their toll. He has some stubble from not shaving and at almost 50 signs of gray are beginning to appear.

One gets the feeling Kern Park is both apprehensive and suspicious of being interviewed. We sat on a curb in the parking lot after hours with nothing, but the light from Sergio’s marquee and the ember of his lit cigarette, to keep us company.

You smoke?

I am trying to quit.

Okay, let’s get down to the nut-cracking. In the 1970s the city had trouble funding and finishing you, Kern Park.

In the 1980s you fell victim to vandalism.

In the 1990s the city forgot you existed.

In the early 2000s the city tried to sell you to a developer in order to build a box store.

What of it?

Why do you think the city keeps doing this to you?

Maybe I am unlucky. Or maybe I have a bad PR department. Or, maybe just maybe, it’s because I am not located in the West End or on Federal Hill or on Chippens Hill making me easy to forget.

You appear angry.

You think?

In 1986 the then mayor said you, the park, “just never worked.”

I forgot about that. Thanks for reminding me. I thought for sure I was going to be turned into condominiums.

Where are we today?

The tennis courts have given way to spray painted expressions of lover’s lament and other tasteless remarks. There is a thicket where the basketball court use to be, you can’t recognize where the swings were and a swamp has suddenly materialized. Under today’s “parlants” they call it an eco-system, but it’s a swamp.

Recently, Mayor Ellen Zoppo-Sassu and Councilor Greg Hahn visited.

Yes. They were very gracious and spent a great deal of time walking the footpaths, while observing and enjoying the tranquil surroundings. I would have offered them a drink, but drinking is prohibited on park property.

You seem a little bitter about the past.

I am in a twelve step program and have made progress with the help of friends and volunteers. To your question though, yes I am. The tennis court is named after Edwin Decker as a tribute to the long-time park department commissioner. I want to know if the graffiti on the court is part of that tribute?

Things You Need to Know About Kern Park to Make it Through Your Day

* Kern Park is named for Herbert Kern a member of the city’s Board of Park Commissioners for 28 years
* Kern Park is two words with 8 letters between the words
* The park is 24 acres which is 97,124.5541 square meters or 32 football fields in length


News Desk Board member to be Honored by New Park
Hartford Courant 25 June 1970: pg 31A
News Desk Council to View Park Plans
Hartford Courant 02 Sep. 1975: pg 58A
News Desk Bristol Parks Official Has His Day at Court
Hartford Courant 05 Nov. 1977: 21A
Lattimer, Elaine J. Residents Seek End to Damage At Kern Park
Hartford Courant 04 May. 1979: W58
Howard, Susan Bristol Pledges Repairs to Park
Hartford Courant 20 Jun. 1979: pg. 17B
News Desk Kern Park Work in Progress
Hartford Courant 23 Oct. 1979: W24
Pach, Peter B. Bristol Park Falls Victim to Vandals
Hartford Courant 19 Jun. 1986 BE2
News Desk Kern Park Intact
Hartford Courant 9 Jan. 2004 A8
Stacom, Don Residents Seek Protection for Park
Hartford Courant 29 Jun. 2005: B2
Stacom, Don Kern Park Efforts Resume
Hartford Courant 08 Dec. 2006: B3

Mine’s Bigger

October 28, 2017

With less than two weeks to election day campaign signs are everywhere and this year they are bigger than ever as candidates are waging war with their signs.

Even though he is just seeking a council seat in the First District, Tony D’Amato’s signs dwarf those of his fellow council candidates and the mayoral candidates too. Not just because they are necessarily bigger but because they are everywhere and not only in the Bristol/Forestville area.

He has weaponized his signs by expanding his operation with a growth strategy by penetrating alternative markets such as China, the Kremlin and a corner of Times Square. The political operative known locally as The Twerp, told Boardman, “Tony is thinking beyond District One because District One is just a formality.”

Other candidates have followed suit. Mary Fortier and Cheryl Thibeault are locked in a battle to the death in the Third District, and are not waging war with yard signs; they have gone to the mattresses with traffic signs.

Brittany Barney, also in the Third, has opted not to get into the sign fray so instead she has hit gold with a Brittany “Awareness Ribbon” to show support and raise consciousness for her campaign.

Andrew Howe in the Second is promoting his campaign with an alphabet soup. “It has no flavor and it has no taste because sometimes you just want soup goddammit and you don’t care how it fucking tastes.” That’s what it says on the can anyway. Okay, I added goddammit because I thought it needed punching up.

The election is Tuesday November 7, 2017. Stay semi-informed with Alan Boardman’s semi-comprehensive and semi-accurate election coverage.

Previewing the Canididates of District 1 / What We Know

October 22, 2017

Boardman, throughout the election season, breaks down the city council races. Today District 1 is previewed.

Nestled in the northeast section of town is the northeast section of town. Because it lacks the distinctive characteristics of Chippens Hill, The West End and Federal Hill it goes largely ignored until it is not ignored.

There are four candidates vying for two seats in District 1. Consequently when the music stops not everyone will have a seat.

Anthony D’Amato (R)
Anthony “Tony” D’Amato seeks a second term on the city council.

What We Know About Anthony “Tony” D’Amato:

* Tony D’Amato is one third of Bristol’s political power couple.
* Tony D’Amato has a punctuation mark in his last name.
* During his first term on the city council Tony D’Amato sat at the little kids table.
* Tony D’Amato became interim mayor after his name was drawn from a hat.
* Like his spouse in the 2016 state election, Tony D’Amato’s image is everywhere and his signs are, in a word, huge, massive, gargantuan, mammoth, monstrous, towering and colossally big.

The Rockwell Skatepark kids think his bowties are dope.

Greg Hahn (D)
One syllable in his first name and one syllable in his last name; a linguist’s dream. Not since Jack Kemp has there been an easier politician’s name to remember.

What We Know About Greg Hahn:

* Greg Hahn lives in Bristol.
* Greg Hahn speaks English.
* Greg Hahn plays the trumpet.
* Greg Hahn wears black stylistic glasses on his face that are not Buddy Holly, cat eye or Sally Jesse Rafael style glasses. In fact, I don’t know what they are but he wears them and wears them well.

Debate Question for Greg Hahn:
What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
Answer: A trumpet player.

Eric Carlson (R)
“Eric Carlson” is apparently a candidate for city council.

What We Know About “Eric Carlson”


His political signs are scarce, his press clippings are on the endangered species list and an Amber Alert was issued for his candidacy.

Other Valuable Information About “Eric Carlson” For the Voter:
None available.

Josh Medeiros (D)

Josh Medeiros is a first-time candidate for public office. He was recreation coordinator and aquatics – blah, blah, blah.

What We Know About Josh Medeiros:

A Google search for the name “Josh Medeiros” shows he resides in Nebraska, Massachusetts, Kansas, and London, England.

According to IMDb Josh Medeiros is best known for his part in Detour to Hell.
He later appeared in Bigfoot and Other Adventures

Josh Medeiros is also the General Manager of Rail Stop Restaurant & Bar, Engineer for the Town of Dartmouth, President of Massachusetts-Vet-a-Dog, and an Assistant Coach for the Mt. Hope Huskies Boys Hockey Team, which won a DIII State Championship in 2016 even though he knows nothing about hockey.

The election is Tuesday November 7, 2017. Stay semi-informed with Alan Boardman’s semi-comprehensive and semi-accurate election coverage.

I have no idea how this sentence got here.