Forestville Man Successfully Makes Bank Deposit

August 2, 2017

Gavin Peppers successfully deposited birthday money into his savings account shortly after 2 PM today. No one was reported injured.

Glenn Thrush, April Ryan, Lorenzo Burgio, Eugene Robinson, Ben Bradlee Jr., Mike Barnicle, Joseph Rago, Hamed Aleaziz, Don Stacom, Barbara Demick, Robert Lipsyte, Kirsten Powers, Thomas Friedman, Carl Bernstein, Paul Krugman, Seymour Hersh, David J. Frum, Pete Hamill, Katy Tur, Maggie Haberman, and Edward Clarkin contributed to this story.

Correction: A previous version of this report neglected to mention that Mr. Peppers is 68 years old. Boardman deeply regrets the omission.

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CNN: The Joke Stops Here

July 7, 2017

CNN tracked down the person who made the meme of Trump beating up a person wearing a CNN logo in a pro-wrestling match. They threatened him with public exposure and subsequent violence. As a condition of their silence, the perpetrator agreed to abstain from internet activity and have Anderson Cooper’s face tattooed on his buttocks.

CNN head Jeff Zucker said that the network’s strategy is to now get tough with people who would make fun of them. “News is not funny,” he said while standing barefoot in a vat of wine grapes. “Anyone who tries to make fun of it, we will crush like… like whatever I’m standing on right now.”

As part of this new aggressive stance, the network ID has also changed. Now James Earl Jones announces, “This is CNN… b***h!”

Zucker also declared, “Next, we’re going after ‘The Simpsons’ for killing me off in an episode. I promise everyone that this time Bart will eat my shorts!”

In response to these actions, the board of Boardman and its founder, Alan Boardman, unanimously voted to not offend CNN in future articles.

“I have a wife and kids,” said one harried board member. “I can’t afford for CNN to find out and tell my girlfriend about that!”

“My degree from The Connecticut School of Broadcasting And Stuff never prepared me for this,” said another. “I have nightmares of Wolf Blitzer making love to my wife!”

As a precautionary procedure, Boardman offices have instituted CNN reporter drills. Employees will learn what to do in case a representative from CNN visits. Boardman’s current fire marshal on loan from a rival Bristol newspaper based in Nevada, Edward Clarkin said, “We’re still deciding what a drill should look like. We considered ‘duck and cover.’ But for now, we are sticking to the procedure John Kerry used to negotiate a deal with Iran – ‘stop, drop and beg.'”


Malloy: Brexit will not Affect the State

May 7, 2016

Brexit 02

In response to an avalanche of calls from concerned citizens watching the news, Governor Malloy took to the airwaves to assure people that the possibility of Britain leaving the EU, “Brexit”, will not disturb the steady decline in the state’s economy. “Be comforted by the fact that our plans for higher unemployment and more annoying and perpetual construction projects will not be put off track.”

The trend of citizens expressing fear based on news from other parts of the world is affecting Forestville as well. Recently, the mayor has come out several times to assure residents that the bank robbery in Washington State, the hotdog eating contest in New Jersey and the decision by North Korea to ban smiling will have utterly no effect on residents.

“Unfortunately, we live in an age where the local news fills in time by covering tragedies elsewhere — from accidents in Colorado, protests in Germany to cheating in MasterChef Junior. It sensitizes people and makes them worry needlessly,” said the mayor’s spokesman. “We hope the news will start sticking to events that affect Bristol/Forestville itself.”

Edward Clarkin, who covers Las Vegas for the Bristol Press, could not be reached for comment.


The Bristol Press To Become The Bristol Enquirer?

January 13, 2016
The Bristol Enquirer

The Bristol Enquirer

Due to their recent emphasis on reporting local crime, The Bristol Press is considering changing its name to The Bristol Enquirer, the daily newspaper announced today.

The newspaper began publishing in 1871 and developed a reputation for reporting local news, information and sports. However, of late, they have veered to reporting about the lurid and raunchy, locally.

Despite the criticism by subscribers and casual readers, the newspaper said there will be new weekly features such as: The Fugitive of the Week, Name That Crook and Hot Looking Crime Babes.

Reached at his home, the newspapers most popular and notorious reporter Edward Clarkin said with regard to the police blotter reporting, “It’s cheap, it’s easy, it sells and it’s fun!”


Edward Clarkin Does Not Land the El Chapo Interview, Bristol Press Upset

January 12, 2016
Should have been Edward Clarkin

Should have been Edward Clarkin

Due to his reporting from the front lines in the Middle East with NBC’s Brian Williams and the work he previously did with Dan Rather on George W. Bush’s military service controversy, Edward Clarkin has become America’s most trusted reporter.

Recently, however, his editors at the Bristol Press were raging mad when he did not secure the exclusive interview with drug fugitive Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman. That interview went to a little known actor named Sean Penn and was published in a magazine no one has ever heard of called Rolling Stone.

Edward Clarkin

Edward Clarkin

Clarkin, currently the political and judicial reporter for The Bristol Press, was seeking a promotion covering the daily record of arrests and other lurid events that the newspaper has recently made their livelihood.

But, according to sources, the promotional opportunity was withdrawn because he failed to land the El Chapo interview. Consequently, he remains relegated to covering local political news. A position he does not relish and the paper does not indulge.


Edward Clarkin Does Not Attend the Edward Clarkin Luncheon

January 6, 2016
Edward Clarkin

Edward Clarkin

Bristol Press reporter Edward Clarkin was scheduled to be honored by city leaders and the Connecticut newspaper industry Sunday at Nuchie’s for his journalistic achievements and outstanding coverage of Nevada, but no one attended, including Mr. Clarkin.

It was a surprising turn of events for the well-known and trusted local reporter. No one involved in the event could be reached for comment, but it is thought a mix up on the venue occurred as some of the scheduled attendees were seen gathering for a party in Las Vegas that day.

A waiter at Nuchie’s was shocked. “We didn’t know what to do with all the ice cream parfaits with green de menthe. I know the owners had planned on reselling parfaits through a new business once Connecticut got a business court.”

According to his bio, Edward Clarkin is a preeminent investigative journalist and was a Fulbright scholar at George Washington University.

Before working for the Bristol Press and New Britain Herald, he interned with lesser known papers such as the Hartford Courant and New York Times and contributed food ideas to Bon Appétit the Magazine.

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He rose to prominence with his reporting from the front lines in the Middle East with NBC’s Brian Williams. For this, he received a Courage in Journalism Award and an honorary doctorate from a local university.

Recently, he was accused of plagiarism and journalistic malpractice by his peers and media outlets, which his publicist says have ties to Al Qaeda. According to his current employer The Bristol Press, Mr. Clarkin is away on assignment and unavailable for comment.

Tickets purchased for the luncheon will not be refunded.


Free Edward Clarkin

January 2, 2016
Edward Clarkin

Edward Clarkin

Edward Clarkin, the embattled Bristol Press reporter, has never been seen or heard by anyone but he has attracted an army of dedicated fans after only a handful of articles were published in the paper. However, newspaper critics allege his most recent work regarding the Nevada court system was plagiarized and that the name Edward Clarkin is merely a pseudonym.

Yesterday, in response, scores of supporters stood outside of The Bristol Press for hours with signs chanting “Free Clarkin!”

Admirers say Mr. Clarkin’s article about the courts in Nevada changed their lives so they are dismayed by all the negative attention. “The media have come down on the guy just because his writing is astonishing. The range, the depth, the use of giant words brought tears,” said Big Tony, between chants and fist pumps in the air at yesterday’s rally.

Edward Clarkin fans have organized support rallies around Forestville in the coming days. Mr. Bubbles Car Wash, the Asbestos Museum, the Forestville Club and other culturally significant places, will see a steady stream of fans picketing.

Supporters also plan to sell Free Clarkin souvenirs and start Free Clarkin social media sites. “Critics claim Eddie plagiarized a few words and that he may not even exist. Ok. Well, that might be the case but big freaking deal we need a guy like this. Free Clarkin! Free Clarkin! Free Clarkin!” Big Tony howled in unison with other zealots.

The Bristol Press remains silent about Edward Clarkin.

Edward Clarkin remains silent about Edward Clarkin.

But his legions of fans are not silent about Edward Clarkin.