Malloy: Brexit will not Affect the State

May 7, 2016

Brexit 02

In response to an avalanche of calls from concerned citizens watching the news, Governor Malloy took to the airwaves to assure people that the possibility of Britain leaving the EU, “Brexit”, will not disturb the steady decline in the state’s economy. “Be comforted by the fact that our plans for higher unemployment and more annoying and perpetual construction projects will not be put off track.”

The trend of citizens expressing fear based on news from other parts of the world is affecting Forestville as well. Recently, the mayor has come out several times to assure residents that the bank robbery in Washington State, the hotdog eating contest in New Jersey and the decision by North Korea to ban smiling will have utterly no effect on residents.

“Unfortunately, we live in an age where the local news fills in time by covering tragedies elsewhere — from accidents in Colorado, protests in Germany to cheating in MasterChef Junior. It sensitizes people and makes them worry needlessly,” said the mayor’s spokesman. “We hope the news will start sticking to events that affect Bristol/Forestville itself.”

Edward Clarkin, who covers Las Vegas for the Bristol Press, could not be reached for comment.

The Bristol Press To Become The Bristol Enquirer?

January 13, 2016
The Bristol Enquirer

The Bristol Enquirer

Due to their recent emphasis on reporting local crime, The Bristol Press is considering changing its name to The Bristol Enquirer, the daily newspaper announced today.

The newspaper began publishing in 1871 and developed a reputation for reporting local news, information and sports. However, of late, they have veered to reporting about the lurid and raunchy, locally.

Despite the criticism by subscribers and casual readers, the newspaper said there will be new weekly features such as: The Fugitive of the Week, Name That Crook and Hot Looking Crime Babes.

Reached at his home, the newspapers most popular and notorious reporter Edward Clarkin said with regard to the police blotter reporting, “It’s cheap, it’s easy, it sells and it’s fun!”

Edward Clarkin Does Not Land the El Chapo Interview, Bristol Press Upset

January 12, 2016
Should have been Edward Clarkin

Should have been Edward Clarkin

Due to his reporting from the front lines in the Middle East with NBC’s Brian Williams and the work he previously did with Dan Rather on George W. Bush’s military service controversy, Edward Clarkin has become America’s most trusted reporter.

Recently, however, his editors at the Bristol Press were raging mad when he did not secure the exclusive interview with drug fugitive Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman. That interview went to a little known actor named Sean Penn and was published in a magazine no one has ever heard of called Rolling Stone.

Edward Clarkin

Edward Clarkin

Clarkin, currently the political and judicial reporter for The Bristol Press, was seeking a promotion covering the daily record of arrests and other lurid events that the newspaper has recently made their livelihood.

But, according to sources, the promotional opportunity was withdrawn because he failed to land the El Chapo interview. Consequently, he remains relegated to covering local political news. A position he does not relish and the paper does not indulge.

Edward Clarkin Does Not Attend the Edward Clarkin Luncheon

January 6, 2016
Edward Clarkin

Edward Clarkin

Bristol Press reporter Edward Clarkin was scheduled to be honored by city leaders and the Connecticut newspaper industry Sunday at Nuchie’s for his journalistic achievements and outstanding coverage of Nevada, but no one attended, including Mr. Clarkin.

It was a surprising turn of events for the well-known and trusted local reporter. No one involved in the event could be reached for comment, but it is thought a mix up on the venue occurred as some of the scheduled attendees were seen gathering for a party in Las Vegas that day.

A waiter at Nuchie’s was shocked. “We didn’t know what to do with all the ice cream parfaits with green de menthe. I know the owners had planned on reselling parfaits through a new business once Connecticut got a business court.”

According to his bio, Edward Clarkin is a preeminent investigative journalist and was a Fulbright scholar at George Washington University.

Before working for the Bristol Press and New Britain Herald, he interned with lesser known papers such as the Hartford Courant and New York Times and contributed food ideas to Bon Appétit the Magazine.


He rose to prominence with his reporting from the front lines in the Middle East with NBC’s Brian Williams. For this, he received a Courage in Journalism Award and an honorary doctorate from a local university.

Recently, he was accused of plagiarism and journalistic malpractice by his peers and media outlets, which his publicist says have ties to Al Qaeda. According to his current employer The Bristol Press, Mr. Clarkin is away on assignment and unavailable for comment.

Tickets purchased for the luncheon will not be refunded.

Free Edward Clarkin

January 2, 2016
Edward Clarkin

Edward Clarkin

Edward Clarkin, the embattled Bristol Press reporter, has never been seen or heard by anyone but he has attracted an army of dedicated fans after only a handful of articles were published in the paper. However, newspaper critics allege his most recent work regarding the Nevada court system was plagiarized and that the name Edward Clarkin is merely a pseudonym.

Yesterday, in response, scores of supporters stood outside of The Bristol Press for hours with signs chanting “Free Clarkin!”

Admirers say Mr. Clarkin’s article about the courts in Nevada changed their lives so they are dismayed by all the negative attention. “The media have come down on the guy just because his writing is astonishing. The range, the depth, the use of giant words brought tears,” said Big Tony, between chants and fist pumps in the air at yesterday’s rally.

Edward Clarkin fans have organized support rallies around Forestville in the coming days. Mr. Bubbles Car Wash, the Asbestos Museum, the Forestville Club and other culturally significant places, will see a steady stream of fans picketing.

Supporters also plan to sell Free Clarkin souvenirs and start Free Clarkin social media sites. “Critics claim Eddie plagiarized a few words and that he may not even exist. Ok. Well, that might be the case but big freaking deal we need a guy like this. Free Clarkin! Free Clarkin! Free Clarkin!” Big Tony howled in unison with other zealots.

The Bristol Press remains silent about Edward Clarkin.

Edward Clarkin remains silent about Edward Clarkin.

But his legions of fans are not silent about Edward Clarkin.

January 1, 2016


* Friday
Mope Fest 2016

Mopey people unite.



Bring your long face to the Forestville Social Club for what organizers say will be a real brood fest. Pout, sulk, grouse and grumble all you like at the Forestville Mope Fest 2016.

The food will be bad, the surroundings terrible and the companionship worse. A brooders paradise!

There will be plenty of sour grapes for everyone.

7PM to 1AM Forestville Social Club
Tickets are still available.

* Saturday
Learn how to take a nap.

Receive tips from world renowned power napper Hirohito Tumasani in this intensive two hour workshop. Be the envy of your friends, family and co-workers!

Following the workshop, Forestville Historian, Lincoln Baines Cafey, will present evidence that the nap was invented in Norway, and was Norway’s only contribution to the Renaissance during the 14th century.

1PM to 3PM Manross Library
Tickets are still available.

* Sunday
Edward Clarkin Luncheon

Edward Clarkin

Edward Clarkin

Come one come all folks!

Beloved writer Edward Clarkin will be recognized by city leaders for his journalistic contributions to the community.

From reviews of restaurants to court judges Mr. Clarkin has dedicated his professional life to writing, journalism and integrity.

Congratulations Edward!

11AM to 2PM Nuchie’s
Tickets are still available.