CNN tracked down the person who made the meme of Trump beating up a person wearing a CNN logo in a pro-wrestling match. They threatened him with public exposure and subsequent violence. As a condition of their silence, the perpetrator agreed to abstain from internet activity and have Anderson Cooper’s face tattooed on his buttocks.
CNN head Jeff Zucker said that the network’s strategy is to now get tough with people who would make fun of them. “News is not funny,” he said while standing barefoot in a vat of wine grapes. “Anyone who tries to make fun of it, we will crush like… like whatever I’m standing on right now.”
As part of this new aggressive stance, the network ID has also changed. Now James Earl Jones announces, “This is CNN… b***h!”
Zucker also declared, “Next, we’re going after ‘The Simpsons’ for killing me off in an episode. I promise everyone that this time Bart will eat my shorts!”
In response to these actions, the board of Boardman and its founder, Alan Boardman, unanimously voted to not offend CNN in future articles.
“I have a wife and kids,” said one harried board member. “I can’t afford for CNN to find out and tell my girlfriend about that!”
“My degree from The Connecticut School of Broadcasting And Stuff never prepared me for this,” said another. “I have nightmares of Wolf Blitzer making love to my wife!”
As a precautionary procedure, Boardman offices have instituted CNN reporter drills. Employees will learn what to do in case a representative from CNN visits. Boardman’s current fire marshal on loan from a rival Bristol newspaper based in Nevada, Edward Clarkin said, “We’re still deciding what a drill should look like. We considered ‘duck and cover.’ But for now, we are sticking to the procedure John Kerry used to negotiate a deal with Iran – ‘stop, drop and beg.'”