Why New Britain Mayor Erin Stewart Always Smiles is Finally Revealed!

February 2, 2018

Erin Stewart became mayor of New Britain at the age of 26 in 2013, and was reelected in 2015 and 2017 as well.

Prior to becoming mayor, Erin was a campaign staffer for former Congresswoman Nancy Jonson, and was a legislative aide in the Connecticut General Assembly.

These are some of the reasons she is always smiling, but others say it is because of her new BankAmericard® Credit Card!

The BankAmericard® Credit Card is the top-ranked balance transfer card, and a great choice for anyone looking to save on balance transfer fees and interest charges, especially if you live in New Britain or Forestville, which is so awesome!

But that is not the only reason for Erin’s ear to ear smile.

The 30 year old New Britain mayor is a fiscally conservative Republican who is also pro choice and supports responsible gun ownership, and the civil rights of everybody, which brings a smile to her face day in and day out. However, another reason Erin Stewart is always smiling is because the GOVERNMENT WILL PAY YOUR MORTAGE IF YOU BORN BEFORE 1984!

That’s right people the Federal Government, yes THE federal government, has introduced a brilliant homeowner program called Home Affordable Refinance Plan (HARP), which benefits millions of Americans; if you believe everything you read on the internet is true! By enrolling in this program homeowners can reduce their monthly mortgage payments by a ton.

You may find it hard to believe, but this is not the only reason Erin is constantly smiling. No, no.

During her tenure as mayor, Erin Stewart cut the city of New Britain’s deficit with spending cuts and eliminating jobs and the results were four bond-rating upgrades from Standard & Poor’s.

And while that brought a smile to her face, Erin Stewart was REALLY smiling when she learned Michigan Treasure Hunters unearthed dirt in their quest to find a 220 year old treasure!

Erin is tickled with delight that Rick and Marty Lagina are from Kingsford, Michigan, and that every summer they spend millions of dollars in Novia Scotia to find undiscovered dirt buried deep below the surface of the earth.

So, at long last Erin Stewart’s secret is revealed, which is another reason she is always smiling because…


What Egor Looks Like Now Does Not Make Any Sense….


Oh No Not Again!

October 19, 2017

Having adjourned to the Chamber of Seclusion in the subterranean section of City Hall and, using the Cone of Decision to guide them, the Bristol City Council in a unanimous vote Monday night censured Mayor Ken Cockayne for the second time in as many years for sexual misconduct and dishonesty.

The council did not take this matter lightly. Acting mayor Tony D’Amato ordered the doors to the great chamber sealed with mortar and cement with instructions they not be opened until a decision was rendered, even if they ordered takeout.

Once the “council conclave” began the city councilor’s, in addition to using the Cone of Decision, consulted with the Great Orb of Influence, which had not been invoked since Frank Longo was mayor during the teacher’s strike in the 1970s.

Anticipation grew and speculation was plenty at 111 N. Main Street when suddenly white smoke spilled from a chimney atop City Hall, signifying the council had reached a decision.

Tony D’Amato emerged from the Chamber of Seclusion visibly shaken, but with his hands clasped together, he kept repeating, “Buona sera (good evening)! Buona sera!”

The town crier, dressed elaborately in a purple and gold coat, breeches, boots and a tricorne hat, read the news about the mayors’ fate using his outdoor voice.

Once the town crier completed his remarks, Calvin Brown and Mary Fortier released two white doves into the Bristol night in a gesture of hope. Where they obtained the doves and how they got the doves into the Chamber of Seclusion and past the Great Orb of Influence remains a mystery, and could warrant its own investigation.


Egor (Mayor’s spokesperson)

“Ruh roh! Egor tink dis be bad. Rrr.”

Rick Kriscenski (possible write-in candidate for mayor)
“I predicted this would occur 20 years ago. If we had built an ice rink like I said this never would have happened. Oh, by the way, Trumpism will destroy Bristol.”

Ted Liu (Forestville resident)
“Bristol City Council Censures Mayor a Second Time? I think three times gets him a membership in the Academy in Hollywood.”

Sean Spicer to be Offered Communications Job with the Mayor?

July 22, 2017

Sean Spicer, White House press secretary, resigned Friday morning following the appointment of Anthony Scaramucci as Director of Communications.

Immediately following his resignation, City Hall officials, on behalf of Mayor Cockayne, reached out to Mr. Spicer to determine if he was interested in a communications job with the mayor’s office. Personnel Director Diane Ferguson told the mayor she was impressed with Mr. Spicer’s ability to explain the president’s various positions, even when he didn’t know what they were.

As an incentive, the administration offered to have a customized maple podium designed with Mr. Spicer’s name engraved. The podium includes an adjustable gooseneck microphone and not one but two cup holders.

Celebrity watchers wonder if Melissa McCarthy is going to be hanging out around town now as a result.

However, should Mr. Spicer accept the position it would lead to the termination of the mayor’s longtime spokesperson, Egor.

Egor is popular with residents but the mayor has grown increasingly frustrated with him because he has no command of the English language, and he speaks in the third person. Speaking from his home under the Anthony V. Savino Bridge on Route 72, Egor commented about the matter, “Egor not happy, Egor mad. You not like Egor when Egor mad!”

Members of the usual press contingent in Bristol expressed nervousness. Said an anxious Mike Chaiken of the Bristol Observer, “I heard the last reporter that argued with Spicer ended up cowering under a chair after a particularly harrowing barrage of Mother Superior-style repartee.”

The press pool is also concerned over rumors that Spicer will ban the use of cameras, mikes and even sign language at press conferences. “Does this mean we have to go back to using pen and paper?” Lorenzo Burgio of the Bristol Press plaintively asked. “Writing? I – I don’t remember how to do that.”

Nutmeg TV to Air New Game Show ‘As Politicians Match Wits’

July 5, 2017

This September Nutmeg Community Access TV will debut a new game show called,” As Politicians Match Wits”. Votes and donations are on the line as local politicians compete against one another by answering general knowledge questions such as: What color is the color tan? And, what time is it at 10:30?

The program will be hosted by former TV newsman Tom Monahan because he has his own microphone.

The first episode gets off to a quick start with Andrew Howe and Ellen Zoppo-Sassu squaring off. Outraged by the first question, what day is tomorrow?, Mr. Howe forfeits the game because he felt the question should have gone out to referendum so the public could weigh in. Consequently Ellen plays against herself in what turns out to be a seesaw battle. Tune in to see who wins.

Twelve episodes will air and feature Josh Medeiros, Peter Kelley, Greg Hahn, Dave Mills, Eric Carlson, Dave Preleski, Mary Fortier, Anthony D’Amato and Cheryl Thibeault with her impressive resume.

The mayor refused to participate based on the advice of counsel, but Egor his spokesperson will.


As Politicians Match Wits will air Fridays at 9 p.m. following Nostradamus Knows Best, a sitcom about the everyday troubles faced by the 16th-century French , physician, philosopher and seer.

There are Puppets Amongst Us

January 22, 2017


Last week the mayor posted provocative comments on Facebook, accusing certain residents as being puppets for a former mayoral opposition candidate. It shocked fellow citizens to discover Bristol has puppets.

“Why don’t they do a show? I need to bring my kids out to see a something besides video games,” said one resident who wished not to be identified for fear of being called a bad mother.

Others took the mayor to task over the puppet allegation.

The mayor was quick to point out his comments were taken out of context and alternative facts. “Puppets and their puppet masters make up an important part of the community. Also, the word ‘puppet’ is a noun.”

The mayor further noted it was only one post out of 50 odd items he puts on Facebook a week. “Sure, it’s easy to pick out one or two posts and call them divisive. For instance, when I posted that Democrats were drugged-up crazies, everyone knew I was jokingly referring to the fact they are drugged-up crazies. You can see how easily that also could’ve been taken out of context and framed as ‘negative.'”

The mayor pointed to the many positive comments he makes about Bristol on his page, such as “Hey, Bristol has electricity!”, “Did you know that Bristol has the motor car and running water?” and “Come to Bristol, people – we’re conveniently located between Plainville and Southington.”

Calvin Brown, a frequent critic was quick to point out that “If the mayor wants to get serious about running government, everyone knows you use Twitter, not Facebook. Duh!”

Egor the mayor’s spokesperson said, “There is no story here. Bristol great cuz it start with letter B; you know what else start with ‘B’? ‘Puppet.’ Wait. That’s ‘P.’ Uhhhh.”



The sniping between politicians and citizens has confused one resident. “I moved here because of that nice ‘Bristol’s All Heart’ ad campaign and not for the sniping,” said Jimmy Knickers. “I’m moving back into my parents’ basement. It’s safer there; plus I get as many s’mores as I want!”

Kellyanne Conway to Become Spokesperson for Satan?

December 18, 2016


Kellyanne Conway, President-elect Donald Trump’s former campaign manager, has come up as a potential spokesperson for Satan, a person with knowledge of the situation told the Boardman Washington Bureau.

Conway, 49, has a history of being employed by controversial figures having worked for Ted Cruz and Newt Gingrich prior to running Donald Trump’s 2016 presidential campaign.

In August of 2016 she was hired by Trump to run his campaign and rehabilitate his tarnished image especially amongst women, which she did despite his sexist remarks. “If she get can women to vote for a horrible person like Donald Trump imagine what she can do for an absolute evil demon,” said one former associate who requested not to be identified as Ted Cruz.

Ms. Conway has made it known that she is not ready to commit to anything at this moment, “I am flattered to be considered for the job with Satan but I want to weigh my options.”

For The Prince of Darkness, it would be a smart hire because she is familiar with working for soulless and selfish figures so there would be virtually no transition.

Local republicans were hoping she would work for the current mayor, but Kellyanne speaking outside Satan’s offices at the Ninth Circle of Hell, said she would not take that position. “I would enjoy working for the mayor but I have too much respect for Egor his current spokesperson. I think Egor is doing a remarkable job,” she observed.

An appreciative Egor tweeted, “Me much glad to hear dat.”



One Lane Mania

February 25, 2016
Memorial Boulevard

Memorial Boulevard

The Memorial Boulevard, the gateway to downtown, will soon be a one lane roadway going in each direction, much to the disappointment of many motorists. “I am disappointed,” said one, added another, “Me too.”

Currently, a two roadway traveling in each direction, the boulevard is being changed to accommodate a bike path and to just frustrate and anger drivers. “It is incumbent of government to make life as difficult as possible for residents,” said Benjamin Stubbs, a clerk with the Traffic Division.

Egor, the mayor’s spokesperson remarked, “Fifty percent of peoples be happy about this, fifty percent mad and other fifty percent not notice nothing.”



City officials say, this change will reduce car accidents and increase bike accidents, while preserving the paint budget since they will no longer be required to paint white lines identifying the lanes.

“I knew traffic was flowing too freely through this town. I figured they were either going to have to make it one lane or turn the left lane into a toll lane,” quipped a commuter. “Anyway, can you get out of the way so I can keep driving?”

In response to the naysayers the mayor said, “This is a change the drivers of the city will look back on as they sit in traffic and smile about. When some car drives 10 mph below the speed limit, the drivers stuck behind it should see this as not as a traffic problem, but a traffic opportunity – a way to bring the people of Bristol and Forestville closer together, which is what I said I was going to do.”