There are Puppets Amongst Us

January 22, 2017

puppet-02

Last week the mayor posted provocative comments on Facebook, accusing certain residents as being puppets for a former mayoral opposition candidate. It shocked fellow citizens to discover Bristol has puppets.

“Why don’t they do a show? I need to bring my kids out to see a something besides video games,” said one resident who wished not to be identified for fear of being called a bad mother.

Others took the mayor to task over the puppet allegation.

The mayor was quick to point out his comments were taken out of context and alternative facts. “Puppets and their puppet masters make up an important part of the community. Also, the word ‘puppet’ is a noun.”

The mayor further noted it was only one post out of 50 odd items he puts on Facebook a week. “Sure, it’s easy to pick out one or two posts and call them divisive. For instance, when I posted that Democrats were drugged-up crazies, everyone knew I was jokingly referring to the fact they are drugged-up crazies. You can see how easily that also could’ve been taken out of context and framed as ‘negative.'”

The mayor pointed to the many positive comments he makes about Bristol on his page, such as “Hey, Bristol has electricity!”, “Did you know that Bristol has the motor car and running water?” and “Come to Bristol, people – we’re conveniently located between Plainville and Southington.”

Calvin Brown, a frequent critic was quick to point out that “If the mayor wants to get serious about running government, everyone knows you use Twitter, not Facebook. Duh!”

Egor the mayor’s spokesperson said, “There is no story here. Bristol great cuz it start with letter B; you know what else start with ‘B’? ‘Puppet.’ Wait. That’s ‘P.’ Uhhhh.”

Egor

Egor

The sniping between politicians and citizens has confused one resident. “I moved here because of that nice ‘Bristol’s All Heart’ ad campaign and not for the sniping,” said Jimmy Knickers. “I’m moving back into my parents’ basement. It’s safer there; plus I get as many s’mores as I want!”


Kellyanne Conway to Become Spokesperson for Satan?

December 18, 2016

conway-01

Kellyanne Conway, President-elect Donald Trump’s former campaign manager, has come up as a potential spokesperson for Satan, a person with knowledge of the situation told the Boardman Washington Bureau.

Conway, 49, has a history of being employed by controversial figures having worked for Ted Cruz and Newt Gingrich prior to running Donald Trump’s 2016 presidential campaign.

In August of 2016 she was hired by Trump to run his campaign and rehabilitate his tarnished image especially amongst women, which she did despite his sexist remarks. “If she get can women to vote for a horrible person like Donald Trump imagine what she can do for an absolute evil demon,” said one former associate who requested not to be identified as Ted Cruz.

Ms. Conway has made it known that she is not ready to commit to anything at this moment, “I am flattered to be considered for the job with Satan but I want to weigh my options.”

For The Prince of Darkness, it would be a smart hire because she is familiar with working for soulless and selfish figures so there would be virtually no transition.

Local republicans were hoping she would work for the current mayor, but Kellyanne speaking outside Satan’s offices at the Ninth Circle of Hell, said she would not take that position. “I would enjoy working for the mayor but I have too much respect for Egor his current spokesperson. I think Egor is doing a remarkable job,” she observed.

An appreciative Egor tweeted, “Me much glad to hear dat.”

Egor

Egor


One Lane Mania

February 25, 2016
Memorial Boulevard

Memorial Boulevard

The Memorial Boulevard, the gateway to downtown, will soon be a one lane roadway going in each direction, much to the disappointment of many motorists. “I am disappointed,” said one, added another, “Me too.”

Currently, a two roadway traveling in each direction, the boulevard is being changed to accommodate a bike path and to just frustrate and anger drivers. “It is incumbent of government to make life as difficult as possible for residents,” said Benjamin Stubbs, a clerk with the Traffic Division.

Egor, the mayor’s spokesperson remarked, “Fifty percent of peoples be happy about this, fifty percent mad and other fifty percent not notice nothing.”

Egor

Egor

City officials say, this change will reduce car accidents and increase bike accidents, while preserving the paint budget since they will no longer be required to paint white lines identifying the lanes.

“I knew traffic was flowing too freely through this town. I figured they were either going to have to make it one lane or turn the left lane into a toll lane,” quipped a commuter. “Anyway, can you get out of the way so I can keep driving?”

In response to the naysayers the mayor said, “This is a change the drivers of the city will look back on as they sit in traffic and smile about. When some car drives 10 mph below the speed limit, the drivers stuck behind it should see this as not as a traffic problem, but a traffic opportunity – a way to bring the people of Bristol and Forestville closer together, which is what I said I was going to do.”


Mayor Creates Task Force to Determine “What is Going On?”

December 3, 2015
Task Force

Task Force

City Hall has been eerily quiet since the election much in the same manner that London was quiet prior to the Blitz.

In response, the mayor will create a task force to look into the matter and determine why nothing is going on politically. “The democrats are way too quiet for my liking so I am suspicious. What are they up to a coup d’état? In fact, what am I up to? What am I doing? I don’t even know and I need to know,” the mayor said from his fortified office.

If the task force is unable to obtain those answers he will direct republican leader Derek Czenczelewski to issue FOI requests on “everybody” because “he is good at that.”

It is not known which citizens will be on the task force, however, but a leading candidate is Egor, the mayor’s spokesperson. “Me want on task force. I do best. It be funs. Errrr!” he stated proudly.

Egor wants on the task force

Egor wants on the task force


Apocalypse Now

November 4, 2015
Apocalypse Now

Apocalypse Now

After the election results were finalized Tuesday night showing Ken Cockayne was elected mayor for another two years, Forestville became the democratic party’s vision of hell. Dozens upon dozens of registered democrats flooded the streets of Forestville blubbering and howling, distraught over the outcome.

City GOP Leader Derek Czenczelewski seeing so many democrats gathered in one place breathed, “The horror! The horror!” And later he was heard muttering, “I must find out who voted against the mayor. Can I FOI that?”

Meanwhile the democrats were incapable of speaking their mouths could make sounds no more so stunned were they.

More were bewildered their minds void.

Notable democrats such as Mary Fortier and Calvin Brown walked the decaying village streets like zombies – dead inside falling into the “the heart of an immense darkness.”

And many more were heard screaming and shrieking the agony too much to bear.

In an early-Wednesday morning tweet-storm Egor, Forestville’s most popular republican and the mayor’s spokesperson, weighed in on the election results.

Egor tweet-storm 1

Egor tweet-storm 1

Egor tweet-storm 2

Egor tweet-storm 2

Two hours later, Egor was back turning his attention to the future.

Egor tweet-storm

Egor tweet-storm

As the night closed one lonely democrat, his face wretched in pain, and his soul barren found the courage to speak of the Forestville that is to be. Borrowing from T.S. Eliot he whispered, “This is the way Forestville ends: Not with a bang but a whimper.”

Egor

Egor


Mayor wants to Land a Man on the Surface of the Sun

November 3, 2015
Manned mission to the sun possible

Manned mission to the sun possible

Speaking before a sparse audience at the Warren G. Harding Society of Forestville, Mayor Ken Cockayne presented a major policy speech on the eve of the 2015 election. The mayor speaking confidently and with his feet firmly planted on the floor said, “I believe we should commit ourselves before this decade is out, or when my term is up whichever comes first, of landing a man on the surface of the sun and returning him safely back to earth. Seriously…Why are you folks laughing?…I am not trying to be funny…Stop laughing…You’re hurting my feelings…Egor!”

The mayor is often characterized by his opponents as a do nothing mayor. However City GOP leader Derek Czenczelewski said that is not true and this idea proves it. “If we go at night when the sun goes down and land on the dark side of the sun during the winter solstice we can do it, especially if the guy wears a fire retardant suit with all that tinfoil stuff. It would be so awesome.”

Mr. Czenczelewski elaborated further by explaining that the mayor can achieve this goal without raising taxes, and a rocket to the sun would be a significant step towards redeveloping downtown.

Drawing of the "Forestville Rocket" going to the sun.

Drawing of the “Forestville Rocket” going to the sun.


The Mayor Changes Skin Moisturizers

October 29, 2015
skin moisturizers

skin moisturizers

During the 2015 election, political insiders have noticed the mayor appears refreshed and relaxed despite the combative nature of the campaign.

Officials close to the mayor, including Egor his trusty spokesperson, said during a campaign stop that it is because the mayor recently changed skin moisturizers. “This shows leadership and adaptability. Him is good everyone else be bad and inept. Err!”

Opponents disagree and say it is just a campaign ploy. “If it shows leadership why didn’t he mention that he changed skin moisturizers during the debate?”

The mayor said he changed moisturizers to improve his skin tone and texture due to the rigors of campaigning.

His surrogates deny charges that he changed bathroom soaps at city hall though. Leaders of the opposition party doubt it and plan to FOI soap invoices. “I heard they got a whole bunch of tiny little baths soaps from Pottery Barn over there,” grunted one angry council member.

Egor

Egor