The Boardman Interview: Kern Park

December 16, 2017

Entrance to Kern Park

Kern Park is a 24-acre neighborhood park located in the northeast section of Bristol near Ivy Drive School. The park, plagued by neglect and vandalism since its development in 1970, became a campaign issue for the District 1 council candidates during the 2017 municipal election. However, it may soon see a renaissance.

Boardman sat down with Kern Park for an interview near Sergio’s Pizza one of his favorite haunts. Kern arrived late appearing tired and worn; decades of neglect and abuse have obviously taken their toll. He has some stubble from not shaving and at almost 50 signs of gray are beginning to appear.

One gets the feeling Kern Park is both apprehensive and suspicious of being interviewed. We sat on a curb in the parking lot after hours with nothing, but the light from Sergio’s marquee and the ember of his lit cigarette to keep us company.

Boardman:
In the 1970s the city had trouble funding and finishing you, Kern Park.

In the 1980s you fell victim to vandalism.

In the 1990s the city forgot you existed.

In the 2000s the city tried to sell you to a developer in order to build a box store.

Kern:
What of it?

Boardman:
Why do you think the city keeps doing this to you?

Kern:
Maybe I am unlucky. Or maybe I have a bad PR department. Or, maybe just maybe, it’s because I am not located in the West End or on Federal Hill or on Chippens Hill making me easy to forget.

Boardman:
You appear angry.

Kern:
You think?

Boardman:
In 1986 the then mayor said you, the park, “just never worked.”

Kern:
I forgot about that. Thanks for reminding me. I thought for sure I was going to be turned into placid looking condominiums.

Boardman:
Where are we today?

Kern:
The tennis courts have given way to spray painted expressions of lover’s lament and other tasteless remarks. There is a thicket where the basketball court use to be, you can’t recognize where the swings were and a swamp has suddenly materialized. Under today’s “parlants” they call it an eco-system but it’s a swamp.

Boardman:
Recently, Mayor Ellen Zoppo-Sassu and Councilor Greg Hahn visited.

Kern
Yes. They were very gracious and spent a great deal of time examining the grounds. Unfortunately, there wasn’t much to see other than the rife overgrowth and the broken beer bottles. I would have offered them a drink, but as I said all the bottles were broken or empty and drinking is prohibited on park property. Not that it would have mattered though.

Boardman:
You’re bitter.

Kern:
The tennis court located in view of the school was named after Edwin Decker as a tribute to the long-time park department commissioner. I want to know if the graffiti, broken glass and debris scattered all over the court are part of the tribute?

Things You Need to Know About Kern Park to Make it Through Your Day

* Kern Park is named for Herbert Kern a member of the city’s Board of Park Commissioners for 28 years
* Kern Park is two words with 8 letters between the words
* The park is 24 acres which is 97,124.5541 square meters or 32 football fields in length
* The former basketball court offers wonderful vistas of drab colored overgrowth, invasive weeds and thorny burrs – if that is your thing
* According to local druggie “The Owl”, it is the #1 destination in the northeast section for pot smokers

Advertisements

Mayor Releases Her Schedule for Next Tuesday

December 11, 2017

Ellen Zoppo-Sassu is well organized, detail oriented and believes in transparency. Consequently, it came as no surprise that upon becoming mayor that she publishes her daily schedule. Boardman, via a source, was provided an advance copy of her schedule for next Tuesday.

All Times Eastern unless otherwise notated.

12:01 AM
Go to bed.

12:14
Fall asleep.

1:12 AM to 1:36
Dream I am swirling in a ravine of swirling Iced Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte from Starbucks®.

1:40-1:44
Night terror. I am mayor of Waterbury and wake up in a cold sweat.

1:46
Resume sleep.

5:16
Consciousness begins for the day.

5:17-5:25
Speed read the entire 2010 UN Security Council Report sans the addendum.

7:02
Drive to the office doing the speed limit at all times.

7:15
Unlock City Hall, turn the lights and heat on.

8:00
Roll call.

8:30-9:30
Meeting with AA – Accountants Anonymous. Confront the problem some residents are having with debits and credits and develop an action plan.

9:55
Push back the Procrastinators Association meeting to 3PM.

10:00-10:30
Meet with local guy who makes paper footballs for a living.

11:15
Send email regarding ribbon cutting ceremony at 2. Remind them the 15’’ Chrome plated Scissors must be OSHA compliant and left handed.

11:16
Office photo for posterity. City Hall staff to line up alphabetically by height and weight.

12:00 PM
Lunch. Speed read through the local ordinances for flaws and grammatical errors. Correct and add punctuation where needed.

1:00
Push back Procrastinators Association meeting to the following week.

2:00
Attend ribbon cutting ceremony for new ordinance. Cut ribbon diagonally and make a few remarks including from my inaugural, which have no bearing on the proceedings.

2:47-2:55
Busy work.

3:00
Attend a budget meeting. Listen to presentation, for the umpteenth time, entitled, What is a Budget?

4:55-5:16
Consume a Cinnamon Dolce Latte Expresso with sweetened whipped cream via Starbucks®.

7:00
Attend reception Forestville Appreciation Day at Nuchie’s.

Mingle: 12 minutes
Dine: 15 Minutes
Remarks: 2.5 minutes
Exit: 7.5 min

7:37
Get in car.

7:38
Start engine.

7:39
Put in gear and go home.


The 2017 Inaugural Address

November 14, 2017

Thanks to a recent election, Bristol has a new mayor.  Ellen Zoppo-Sassu was sworn into office under the CFL lights of Bristol Eastern High School.  A band played as she took the oath on an iPad with an opened pdf copy of the Bible.

Her acceptance speech was as electric as her debate speeches.

“The ballots were counted and I can tell you that a certain number of you went to the polls,” Mrs.Zoppo-Sassu began.  “There you filled out ballots and they were counted.  When they were counted the person who won mayor was determined and that was me.”

The most stirring moment came when she quoted Thomas Jefferson.  “In considering the disposition of a will, Jefferson debated ‘whether the consideration of ‘love and affection’ expressed in the deed be sufficient to give it validity depends on this:  whether there was any inheritable relationship between Holman and Alexander and Mary Noe?’  To which he firmly responded – ‘Mary Noe has no right to the land!’  My friends, that’s the message I deliver to you on this podium where I am standing at the present moment at night.”

“I was struck by Jefferson’s words,” one Zoppo-Sassu supporter, Anne Dinkel said.  “I don’t know what it meant, but it was powerful.”

The inspiring lecture ran fifty-three minutes, including ten minutes on bibliography.  After, the crowd was given a pop quiz.  Most did average to fair.  Some however had to stay after the speech and hear it again.

“I completely support her platform,” said Mrs. Dinkel.  “And with the help of her study guide, I should know what that is in a few weeks.”

Mrs. Zoppo-Sassu issued a companion white paper – British for “political platform” – with a 105-point plan for her mayorship.  Boardman has sent it to an English expert at Cambridge for analysis.

“I remember this great quote that really sold me on her,” recalled another excited voter, Mel Dinkel.  “She said, ‘We need a mayor who… needs money’ or ‘wants to save money?’  Anyway, it ended with ‘That’s how I will do it.’  Or something like that.”


Election 2017: Your Guide to Bristol’s Municipal Election

November 7, 2017

Today is Election Day and here is what you need to know.

• The polls open at 6AM and close at 8PM with a 45 minute intermission at 4PM during which a zamboni will clear the floors
• Voters may call ahead to reserve a voting booth for a nominal fee. New for 2017 – Kids vote free!
• Tailgating is allowed. The lots open two (2) hours before the first vote is cast and two hours after the last vote is cast
• Office seekers will sign autographs and sell personalized merchandise
• Concession stands are located at each polling station. This year’s vendors include Chick-fil-A, Coca Cola and Papa John’s, except Chippens Hill which will serve Pâté, Caviar and Chilean Seabass made to order courtesy Capitol Hill Grill

Mayor’s Race

The marquee race pits incumbent Ken Cockayne against Ellen Zoppo-Sassu in a rematch for the mayorship. If Mr. Cockayne wins, he will be the first three-term mayor since the last three-term mayor. He carries into the election an on-base percentage of 0.300, off-base percentage of 0.290, predicted jbr (job growth rate) of 3.5% and a cpt (censures per term) of 1.00.

A win for Mrs. Zoppo-Sassu will not only make her the first mayor in Bristol with a hyphenated last name but also the first mayor to have a first name start with a vowel. She has a pamphlet on this topic available at her campaign office. She also has a pamphlet regarding where her campaign office is, available at her campaign office.

Council Races

There are 12 people running for 6 council seats. Of the 12 there are 8 that wear glasses or are ocular deficient:

Wear Glasses
Greg Hahn, Cheryl Thibeault, Andrew Howe, Dave Preleski, Brittany Barney, Eric Carlson, Mary Fortier and Dave Preleski

Don’t Wear Glasses
Tony D’Amato, Josh Medeiros, Peter Kelley with an e, Mr. Mills and Jodi Zils Gagne

City Disclaimer

Each year in the United States, several people are injured in voting accidents. Residents are urged to follow the rules for proper voting safety. Children under 13 should wear appropriate life jackets. Remember, voting safety begins with v.

People taking MAO inhibitors should consult their doctor before engaging in voting or any Corinth-related activity.


Zoppo-Sassu Releases Platform on Parallel Parking

November 6, 2017

Late yesterday, Democratic mayoral hopeful, Ellen Zoppo-Sassu, announced a community action plan on how to help motorists parallel park. This latest plan comes on the heels of her other intitatives concerning Economic Development, Energy and Efficiency and the Do’s and Don’ts of Cleaning Shower Curtains.

Mrs. Zoppo-Sassu’s 12-step plan is detailed and addresses why drivers are apprehensive about parallel parking. “With my platform we will eliminate the dread of parallel parking, especially amongst new drivers because it is ravaging Bristol. The plan is comprehensive and provides insight into the seldom discussed perils of perpendicular parking as well,” she told Boardman.

If elected the Zoppo-Sassu administration will also tackle the menacing dangers of Dryer Lint Cleaning, which the current administration has refused to do, she added.

The election is Tuesday November 7, 2017. Stay semi-informed with Alan Boardman’s semi-comprehensive and semi-accurate election coverage.


Alt Right Movement Believes New Britain is Meddling with Bristol’s Election

November 5, 2017

Alt Right Bristol conspiracy theorist and InfoWars founder and radio talk show host Alex Jones believes the City of New Britain is interfering with Bristol’s 2017 municipal election.

During his broadcast Friday, Jones told his audience, “Why is New Britain Mayor Erin Stewart always smiling? No politician can be that happy all the time. That tells you something is up!”

Bristol and New Britain are natural rivals based on proximity, sports and competing business interests. Therefore, Mr. Jones speculates it is in New Britain’s interest to interfere with this highly contentious election.

“Clearly, there is a conspiracy afoot,” Mr. Jones said, citing anonymous and high-ranking law enforcement sources whom he declined to name. “Ellen Zoppo is smiling all the time too. Why? She and Stewart have no reason to smile,” Jones added. “Why would two women, from rival towns and opposite political parties, be smiling? Why?”

Why is Mayor Erin Stewart always smiling?

At the debate last month between the mayor and Mrs. Zoppo-Sassu, the mayor appeared to be brooding the entire night. Mr. Jones explained to his national audience that the mayor was brooding for two reasons, “One, he knows the City of New Britain is tampering with Bristol’s election and B, the federal government was using mind control on him.”

Mr. Jones is also suspicious of the Write-in candidacy of Rick Kriscenski. “The Write-in candidate shows up a week before Election Day? No doubt Stewart and to a lesser extent Zoppo put him up to it to confuse voters. The only thing missing is his Che Guevara t-shirt and black beret.”

The Forestville Fire Department declined to comment about this story.

The election is Tuesday November 7, 2017. Stay semi-informed with Alan Boardman’s semi-comprehensive and semi-accurate election coverage.


Place Your Betts! Las Vegas Oddsmakers Taking Betts on Local Elections

November 3, 2017

The race for mayor between Ken Cockayne and Ellen Zoppo-Sassu has attracted the attention of Las Vegas bookmakers and local bookies. However, betting on the outcome is not the only thing people are putting their money on.

The race is too close to call and the line keeps fluctuating so gamblers are placing bets on other categories such as: What color dress will Ellen wear election night? Blue? Red? Hot Magenta? Scotch Tape Plaid? Betters are putting their money on red but if you bet $100 on Scotch Tape Plaid, and she wears it you could win $2,500!

Currently, much to everyone’s chagrin, there is no betting line established for a pantsuit.

As for the mayor on election night, what type of knot will he tie his infamous orange tie? Half Windsor? Full Windsor? Kelvin Knot? Will he need help tying it? The money seems to be following that idea as 45 percent of it came in late yesterday.

You can also lay a wager on who will the Bristol Observer endorse for mayor. Experts discourage putting any money on Ellen because the Observer has become state-run media.

What about the Write-in candidate? Oddsmakers have established an over/under line for him.

In 2015 the Write-in received 11 votes. The over/under this year, based on the candidate’s depth of political knowledge, sincerity, moxie and voter anger, is 15.5.

Bookies are taking bets on the council races too. How many videos will Greg Hahn make of himself taking leisurely strolls? How many times will Andrew Howe use his highly successful, “Bristol is an oasis in a fiscal desert” line prior to Election Day?

Voters have it tough these days. Not only must they decide who the best political leaders are for the town, but who and what they should bet on.

The election is Tuesday November 7, 2017. Stay semi-informed with Alan Boardman’s semi-comprehensive and semi-accurate election coverage.