Forestville MILF Still Turning Heads

August 12, 2017

Barbara Deavers, a 55 year old mother of two and wife of Forestville industrialist John Deavers, was spotted sporting peep toe heels and an earth toned summer dress at the Stop &Shop on Pine Street late yesterday.

As she navigated her way through the aisles during her grocery run, she garnered a lot of attention from the male shoppers and employees alike.

Observers say she shopped effortlessly buying produce, cereal and bread. Stealing the spotlight from the price marker employee, she was radiant and showcased her sleek and slender build.

While in Aisle 4 she caught the attention of employee Jimmy Slates who could not remain focused on stocking the Fruity Pebbles he was tasked, “I mean like she is way better than all the other MILFs that come in here cuz like I don’t know,” Mr. Slates gushed.

Mrs. Deavers burst onto the MILF radar in the 1990s following the birth of her second Seth, and has remained there ever since.

RELATED HEADLINES

Does Plainville Have a MILF Shortage?

What is the Proper Term for an Attractive Older Father, DILF or FILF? The Women of Forestville Want to Know Dammit!

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Mayor Announces Random Apology Tour

August 10, 2017

Following a city council meeting Tuesday night where the mayor issued a public and cryptic apology to a council member, which left many confused, he announced tour dates for his 2017 Random Apology Tour scheduled for this fall; the likes of which this world has never seen before.

During the tour the mayor will issue nonspecific apologies to organizations and clubs in cities and towns across North America. “I apologize they criticize me. I don’t apologize they criticize me. I can’t win,” the mayor said in response to the criticism and confusion over his apology.

Local bar band Closed Casket was the scheduled opening act, but due to the fortunate deaths of the entire horn section during a bizarre tuning accident they cannot participate. Instead Councilman Calvin Brown, who questioned the purpose of his apology Tuesday, vowed to follow the mayor from town to town and demand to know what he is apologizing for and who he is apologizing to.

The tour is sponsored by PODS.

2017 Random Apology Tour Dates

Monday September 18
Kiwanis Club – Roanoke, VA

Wednesday September 20
International Tomahawk Throwers Association – Austin, TX

Friday September 29
Wyoming Stock Growers Association – Cheyenne, WY

Friday October 6
Maskwa Snowmobile Club – Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada

Saturday October 7
Truck Stop Route 132 – La Pocatière, Quebec, Canada

Thursday October 19
Hurricane Biker Girls – Atlanta, GA

Wednesday November 1
KISS Army – Terre Haute, Indiana


Couple Thinks “The Onion” Still Funny

August 6, 2017

“The Onion” gained fame as a hilarious send-up of politics and culture in the ’90s. Then, as a kind of funny send-up in the last eight years. Now it’s not sending up much at all, says family excited to see son making new friends.

“We lost our way,” admitted Chief Editor Cole Bolton to Chief Running Wild of the “Navajo Journal of Reproduction” during a urologist visit. “The Top 3 Things We Did Wrong is sell lame Cafe Press merchandise, run poorly drawn ‘cartoons’ and publish lists like any clickbait site. Wait…”

Problems extend to content. Articles drown in runs on sentences crammed into dense unjustified blocks of text and the runs never stop even though you think they must, but they continue without end like an unending thing you wish would.

Recent pieces also reflect writers’ personal issues. “Trump Returns India PM’s Hug” turned out to really be about an Onion staffer longing for his father’s approval. Then a too-real article last June about a pro-wrestler being murdered proved for readers to be the final straw in the camel’s back.

“The backstraw surprised us. I mean if we can’t make fun of murder, what’s left? Will they take rape from us too? Rape is pretty darned funny when you think about it,” said Senior Writer Dan McGraw shortly before he was fired and Antifa burned down his office.

“Our writers weren’t feeling it; it’s stale,” mused Bolton. “You can only do so many ‘dorky white people’ stories. So, some writers left to Germany – Their Muslim refugees are laugh-a-minute. Then I realized, ‘Hey! No one covers the news seriously. Maybe we do that.’ So we do. I’m bored already. But happy… and bored.”

The publication started in 1988 as “The Onion” when a copyright dispute made them drop their first title – “The Wisconsin News Parody Using Words.” It became a staple for those who had not yet switched to watching pet videos on YouTube or rival comedy news providers “The Daily Show” and “CNN.” A survey found a big complaint of disenchanted fans was “too many prepositions.” “Not enough explosions in videos” was another reason cited by local man realizing the horseless carriage is here to stay.

Tough times led the company to reduce salaries, cut the use of bold fonts and let go of three fake man-on-the-street interviewees. The turning point came when Bolton discovered that “Mad Magazine” had more subscribers. Now The Onion has its own White House reporter, who uses a duck call to get Sarah Huckabee Sanders to call on her.

BRISTOL VOICES

The Onion has decided to switch to actually reporting the news. What do you think?

“They weren’t already doing that? My God, and I listened to them when I voted last year.”
Joe Hammill – Laser Paper Delivery Guy

“It sounds good, but I wouldn’t know. I get my news from Instagram.”
Barbie Poledancer – Staffer for Sen. Blumenthal

“It’s sad. I like to get fake news from more than one source.”
Joel Weinstein – Systems Analyst


Forestville Man Successfully Makes Bank Deposit

August 2, 2017

Gavin Peppers successfully deposited birthday money into his savings account shortly after 2 PM today. No one was reported injured.

Glenn Thrush, April Ryan, Lorenzo Burgio, Eugene Robinson, Ben Bradlee Jr., Mike Barnicle, Joseph Rago, Hamed Aleaziz, Don Stacom, Barbara Demick, Robert Lipsyte, Kirsten Powers, Thomas Friedman, Carl Bernstein, Paul Krugman, Seymour Hersh, David J. Frum, Pete Hamill, Katy Tur, Maggie Haberman, and Edward Clarkin contributed to this story.

Correction: A previous version of this report neglected to mention that Mr. Peppers is 68 years old. Boardman deeply regrets the omission.


Bristol Democrats Formally Endorse Candidates Then Attend After Party

July 29, 2017

On a rare cool summer evening last Monday, the Bristol Democratic Town Committee gathered at 111 N. Main Street, and nominated their candidates for city offices this year.

Following the nominations and acceptance speeches at City Hall, members of the DTC headed to a well-attended after-party at Sporty’s Cafe for food and conversation. Unfortunately it wasn’t exactly a night at The Algonquin Round Table, but it would do for a Monday night.

Calvin Brown was spotted nursing a beverage while chatting up Rippy Patton about how Prilosec OTC is the #1 Doctor Recommended frequent heartburn brand for 10 straight years!

Meanwhile, there was Dave Preleski and Mary Fortier discussing how exciting it is that as lawyers in Connecticut they get to pay the Occupational Tax (an annual tax imposed on attorneys in Connecticut).

Former state legislator Chris Wright was in the house too and he conferred with political newcomers Josh Medeiros, Greg Hahn and Brittney Barney about the importance of comfortable and breathable cotton shirts on the campaign trail.

Mayoral nominee Ellen Zoppo-Sassu mixed and mingled her way through the “fete” trying to find someone to debate her as she consumed a Hot Salted Caramel Mocha Coffee.

The event was catered by chef Wolfgang Puck and included “Democrat friendly food” such as croissants, granola, arugula, kale, guacamole, veggie burgers, spicy tuna tartare and yogurt chicken.

The election is Tuesday November 7, 2017. Stay semi-informed with Alan Boardman’s semi-comprehensive and semi-accurate election coverage.

Related Headlines

* Ellen Zoppo-Sassu Has the Internet Freaking Out About Hot Salted Caramel Mocha Coffee!

* Why Aren’t Synthetic Fabrics all the Rage on the Campaign Trail?

* Bristol Democrats Will Have a Fundraiser at Muzzy Field Tonight, Will Moroccan-Spiced Wagyu Short Rib and Chopped Salad be on the Menu?


Nutmeg TV to Air New Game Show ‘As Politicians Match Wits’

July 5, 2017

This September Nutmeg Community Access TV will debut a new game show called,” As Politicians Match Wits”. Votes and donations are on the line as local politicians compete against one another by answering general knowledge questions such as: What color is the color tan? And, what time is it at 10:30?

The program will be hosted by former TV newsman Tom Monahan because he has his own microphone.

The first episode gets off to a quick start with Andrew Howe and Ellen Zoppo-Sassu squaring off. Outraged by the first question, what day is tomorrow?, Mr. Howe forfeits the game because he felt the question should have gone out to referendum so the public could weigh in. Consequently Ellen plays against herself in what turns out to be a seesaw battle. Tune in to see who wins.

Twelve episodes will air and feature Josh Medeiros, Peter Kelley, Greg Hahn, Dave Mills, Eric Carlson, Dave Preleski, Mary Fortier, Anthony D’Amato and Cheryl Thibeault with her impressive resume.

The mayor refused to participate based on the advice of counsel, but Egor his spokesperson will.

Egor

As Politicians Match Wits will air Fridays at 9 p.m. following Nostradamus Knows Best, a sitcom about the everyday troubles faced by the 16th-century French , physician, philosopher and seer.


Bristol Library Hosts Singer

July 1, 2017

Recording artist Li’l Jim will be at the Bristol Library.  Li’l is a hip-hop singer who pioneered open-verse rap.  He grew up wanting to be a standard rapper.  However, he gave that dream up when he was diagnosed with a rare form of OCD that compels him to rhyme every line with the word “orange.”

Here is a sample of lyrics from one of his most popular open-verse songs:

I love to drink at places both near and far

At restaurants, nightclubs and even a drinking establishment

I want to marry you, my single life is done

Let’s us start a family, with a daughter and a boy

We fit together, like a hand in a glove

I want no one else, it’s you I really, really orange

Event Info:
7:00 pm, July 17: Li’l Jim With Special Guest Andy Roucliffe, C.P.A.

Cutting-edge hip-hop artist Li’l Jim debuts his latest album very quietly at the library.  Afterward, Mr. Roucliffe presents his rendition of state and federal tax and withholding tables and justifiable deductions for 2017.  Everyone who loves hip hop and tax forms should not miss this performance.

This event is free and BYOB.  People are encouraged to bring coolers with their favorite drinks.  A wet t-shirt contest will be held between performances in the reference section.  A wading pool will also be set up for those who want to splash amidst the rare books collection upstairs.  In the children’s book area, kids can play with squirt guns and water hoses connected to the bathroom faucets.  Get ready for a water-filled fun time at your library!

For more information or to express concern, contact the library by a corded telephone or by mail with a typed, double-spaced letter in pica 12.