Sean Spicer Eyes Move to Federal Hill

October 7, 2017

Following the news that former White House spokesperson Sean Spicer is eying properties in the Federal Hill section of Bristol, The Bristol Federal Hill Association held an emergency meeting late last night.

Many members are in a panic that Mr. Spicer could move into the historic neighborhood. One man, who lives on Oakland Street and wished not to be identified, but his first name is Otto and his last name is Velez, said he does not want Mr. Spicer to live near him. “I am afraid he will yell at me and my little dog FuFu if I ask him a question.”

Fefe DuBoise went further telling Boardman, “He will interrupt the neighborhood’s bucolic splendor with his constant need to argue.”

After failing to land a job at CBS News, CNN, Fox News, ABC News and NBC News as a contributor, Mr. Spicer secured a deal to develop a program with Nutmeg TV, the areas public access station. Boardman has exclusively learned that Sean Spicer’s program will be called Yoga with Sean and will air Wednesday mornings at 6AM.

Sean Spicer is considering a move to the Bristol/Forestville area so he can commute to Nutmeg TV with Bob Boils host of Good Morning Plainville.

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MOTHER OF GOD WHAT THE F IS GOING ON?

September 28, 2017

“Hoooooly Shit! The City of Bristol has gone collectively insane!” exclaimed Dr. Edward Stouten, a psychologist at Tunxis Community College following the revelations in Bristol’s latest political soap opera.

For the last few weeks there have random apologies, accusations, counter accusations, screen shots, finger pointing, Facebook fights and threats all in the name of politics.

In an exclusive interview, Dr. Stouten told Boardman while twirling his right index finger near his head, “This town is cuckoo.”

Dr. Stouten, in a report to The American Psychiatric Association, recommended that the entire City of Bristol be sent to a state mental facility that is fenced with guarded grounds for evaluation, treatment and therapy. “Clinically speaking there are no drugs or medications on God’s green earth that can help some of the politicos or residents. I’m not mentioning names…Amanda Yapes.”

In attempt to capitalize on all the chaos, next month the local public access channel Nutmeg TV will air its new day time drama As Bristol Fades.

Gunner Fenbeck and Brad Blazer, the producers of How to Make Toast and Legislators in Love, promise plenty of plot twists, tawdry secrets and kooky plotlines ripped straight from the hallowed halls of Bristol City Hall in the hour-long drama.

In the first episode, the self-described “man of the people candidate”, Andrew Howe suffering from Stockholm Syndrome is written out of the show as he follows the mayor off a political cliff.

In a weird side plot, the Cicero of the council chambers Calvin Brown blurts out a secret that’s not a secret but is a secret to those that don’t know that it’s a secret. DUN DUN DUUUUN!!!

And finally, a deceased mayor comes back from the dead to haunt the town and run as a third-party candidate in his present reanimated condition. Boo!

As Bristol Fades will air at noon Monday through Friday on Nutmeg TV following a morning of dead air.

The Forestville Fired Department declined to comment about this matter.


Forestville MILF Still Turning Heads

August 12, 2017

Barbara Deavers, a 55 year old mother of two and wife of Forestville industrialist John Deavers, was spotted sporting peep toe heels and an earth toned summer dress at the Stop &Shop on Pine Street late yesterday.

As she navigated her way through the aisles during her grocery run, she garnered a lot of attention from the male shoppers and employees alike.

Observers say she shopped effortlessly buying produce, cereal and bread. Stealing the spotlight from the price marker employee, she was radiant and showcased her sleek and slender build.

While in Aisle 4 she caught the attention of employee Jimmy Slates who could not remain focused on stocking the Fruity Pebbles he was tasked, “I mean like she is way better than all the other MILFs that come in here cuz like I don’t know,” Mr. Slates gushed.

Mrs. Deavers burst onto the MILF radar in the 1990s following the birth of her second Seth, and has remained there ever since.

RELATED HEADLINES

Does Plainville Have a MILF Shortage?

What is the Proper Term for an Attractive Older Father, DILF or FILF? The Women of Forestville Want to Know Dammit!


Mayor Announces Random Apology Tour

August 10, 2017

Following a city council meeting Tuesday night where the mayor issued a public and cryptic apology to a council member, which left many confused, he announced tour dates for his 2017 Random Apology Tour scheduled for this fall; the likes of which this world has never seen before.

During the tour the mayor will issue nonspecific apologies to organizations and clubs in cities and towns across North America. “I apologize they criticize me. I don’t apologize they criticize me. I can’t win,” the mayor said in response to the criticism and confusion over his apology.

Local bar band Closed Casket was the scheduled opening act, but due to the fortunate deaths of the entire horn section during a bizarre tuning accident they cannot participate. Instead Councilman Calvin Brown, who questioned the purpose of his apology Tuesday, vowed to follow the mayor from town to town and demand to know what he is apologizing for and who he is apologizing to.

The tour is sponsored by PODS.

2017 Random Apology Tour Dates

Monday September 18
Kiwanis Club – Roanoke, VA

Wednesday September 20
International Tomahawk Throwers Association – Austin, TX

Friday September 29
Wyoming Stock Growers Association – Cheyenne, WY

Friday October 6
Maskwa Snowmobile Club – Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada

Saturday October 7
Truck Stop Route 132 – La Pocatière, Quebec, Canada

Thursday October 19
Hurricane Biker Girls – Atlanta, GA

Wednesday November 1
KISS Army – Terre Haute, Indiana


Couple Thinks “The Onion” Still Funny

August 6, 2017

“The Onion” gained fame as a hilarious send-up of politics and culture in the ’90s. Then, as a kind of funny send-up in the last eight years. Now it’s not sending up much at all, says family excited to see son making new friends.

“We lost our way,” admitted Chief Editor Cole Bolton to Chief Running Wild of the “Navajo Journal of Reproduction” during a urologist visit. “The Top 3 Things We Did Wrong is sell lame Cafe Press merchandise, run poorly drawn ‘cartoons’ and publish lists like any clickbait site. Wait…”

Problems extend to content. Articles drown in runs on sentences crammed into dense unjustified blocks of text and the runs never stop even though you think they must, but they continue without end like an unending thing you wish would.

Recent pieces also reflect writers’ personal issues. “Trump Returns India PM’s Hug” turned out to really be about an Onion staffer longing for his father’s approval. Then a too-real article last June about a pro-wrestler being murdered proved for readers to be the final straw in the camel’s back.

“The backstraw surprised us. I mean if we can’t make fun of murder, what’s left? Will they take rape from us too? Rape is pretty darned funny when you think about it,” said Senior Writer Dan McGraw shortly before he was fired and Antifa burned down his office.

“Our writers weren’t feeling it; it’s stale,” mused Bolton. “You can only do so many ‘dorky white people’ stories. So, some writers left to Germany – Their Muslim refugees are laugh-a-minute. Then I realized, ‘Hey! No one covers the news seriously. Maybe we do that.’ So we do. I’m bored already. But happy… and bored.”

The publication started in 1988 as “The Onion” when a copyright dispute made them drop their first title – “The Wisconsin News Parody Using Words.” It became a staple for those who had not yet switched to watching pet videos on YouTube or rival comedy news providers “The Daily Show” and “CNN.” A survey found a big complaint of disenchanted fans was “too many prepositions.” “Not enough explosions in videos” was another reason cited by local man realizing the horseless carriage is here to stay.

Tough times led the company to reduce salaries, cut the use of bold fonts and let go of three fake man-on-the-street interviewees. The turning point came when Bolton discovered that “Mad Magazine” had more subscribers. Now The Onion has its own White House reporter, who uses a duck call to get Sarah Huckabee Sanders to call on her.

BRISTOL VOICES

The Onion has decided to switch to actually reporting the news. What do you think?

“They weren’t already doing that? My God, and I listened to them when I voted last year.”
Joe Hammill – Laser Paper Delivery Guy

“It sounds good, but I wouldn’t know. I get my news from Instagram.”
Barbie Poledancer – Staffer for Sen. Blumenthal

“It’s sad. I like to get fake news from more than one source.”
Joel Weinstein – Systems Analyst


Forestville Man Successfully Makes Bank Deposit

August 2, 2017

Gavin Peppers successfully deposited birthday money into his savings account shortly after 2 PM today. No one was reported injured.

Glenn Thrush, April Ryan, Lorenzo Burgio, Eugene Robinson, Ben Bradlee Jr., Mike Barnicle, Joseph Rago, Hamed Aleaziz, Don Stacom, Barbara Demick, Robert Lipsyte, Kirsten Powers, Thomas Friedman, Carl Bernstein, Paul Krugman, Seymour Hersh, David J. Frum, Pete Hamill, Katy Tur, Maggie Haberman, and Edward Clarkin contributed to this story.

Correction: A previous version of this report neglected to mention that Mr. Peppers is 68 years old. Boardman deeply regrets the omission.


Bristol Democrats Formally Endorse Candidates Then Attend After Party

July 29, 2017

On a rare cool summer evening last Monday, the Bristol Democratic Town Committee gathered at 111 N. Main Street, and nominated their candidates for city offices this year.

Following the nominations and acceptance speeches at City Hall, members of the DTC headed to a well-attended after-party at Sporty’s Cafe for food and conversation. Unfortunately it wasn’t exactly a night at The Algonquin Round Table, but it would do for a Monday night.

Calvin Brown was spotted nursing a beverage while chatting up Rippy Patton about how Prilosec OTC is the #1 Doctor Recommended frequent heartburn brand for 10 straight years!

Meanwhile, there was Dave Preleski and Mary Fortier discussing how exciting it is that as lawyers in Connecticut they get to pay the Occupational Tax (an annual tax imposed on attorneys in Connecticut).

Former state legislator Chris Wright was in the house too and he conferred with political newcomers Josh Medeiros, Greg Hahn and Brittney Barney about the importance of comfortable and breathable cotton shirts on the campaign trail.

Mayoral nominee Ellen Zoppo-Sassu mixed and mingled her way through the “fete” trying to find someone to debate her as she consumed a Hot Salted Caramel Mocha Coffee.

The event was catered by chef Wolfgang Puck and included “Democrat friendly food” such as croissants, granola, arugula, kale, guacamole, veggie burgers, spicy tuna tartare and yogurt chicken.

The election is Tuesday November 7, 2017. Stay semi-informed with Alan Boardman’s semi-comprehensive and semi-accurate election coverage.

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