Local Man Crosses Street No One Injured

September 18, 2018

Late Tuesday morning Forestville resident Limping Larry successfully crossed Pine Street at the intersection of Pine and Emmett without a hitch.

Using the crosswalk, and, with traffic stopped at the 4 way intersection, Limping Larry carrying a potted plant, one can of paint and a dead fish, limped at a brisk pace and successfully crossed the street and continued on his way. At no time during the crossing did Larry consider aborting or feel he was in danger. Forestville Police said no one was injured during the 20 second crossing.

The encounter is available for purchase via Digital Download, Blu-Ray and DVD on the FPD website, and includes lost footage, story boards, commentary from motorists, survivors and an alternate ending. A Limping Larry documentary called Stop, Look and Listen about his adventures crossing streets is available as well.

Limping Larry’s friend said he is presently home resting and watching Judge Judy.

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Preview of the 2018 Pequabuck River Duck Race

May 5, 2018

Sunday, 5,000 plastic ducks will be haphazardly dumped into the Pequabuck River with a race to the finish line. The ducks are numbered with winning ticket holders taking home prizes.

The Skinny and let’s get down to the nut cracking

Event: 2018 Pequabuck River Duck Race.

Distance of the race: Unknown because no one has bothered to measure.

Where: Pequabuck River, a 19-mile river with lots of water that winds its way through Forestville.

Who’s Hot/ Who’s Not

HOT
Duck Number 12: The plastic duck had a strong showing in qualifying, finishing second at the Coppermine Brook Time Trials.

NOT
Duck Number 3162: The best thing that could happen to this duck is for it to be scuttled or lost during the race. Many believe the duck is jinxed having never finishing better than four thousandth.

Other stuff

Race day starts at 10 a.m. with the ceremonial blessing of the ducks.

The race is hosted by Bristol Chamber of Commerce and is sponsored by Hoover Vacuums, vacuums that really suck.

The proceeds raised benefit something and are used to clean stuff around the village.

Little Known Race Facts:

• To increase interest this year the race will be a relay.

• Ticket holders of the winning ducks will receive the usual bevy of prizes, but other prizes include coupons to Intimate Encounters a Forestville escort service; a Fast Pass to the Emergency Room of Bristol Hospital and a Get out of Jail Free Card courtesy of the Bristol PD.

• According to race promoters more than 70% of the fans that attend go to see if someone will fall or will be pushed into the river.

• The 2010 Pequabuck River Duck Race was called off shortly after it started due to a misunderstanding with confused duck hunters. Authorities say the Bristol Duck Hunting Club mistakenly opened fire on the plastic ducks thinking they were real. The hunters have not been charged and the matter is still being investigated eight years later.

• Race mascot Waddles the Duck will not be in attendance this year because he was slaughtered and turned into foie gras.


Vacant Lost Fest 2018

April 24, 2018

Life-long Forestville resident Bob Knepper will be the featured guest at the 2018 Vacant Lot Fest in Forestville, which is taking place Saturday July 7th at 6PM, Forestville time.

This annual event features a private meet and greet with vacant lot land owners and includes an autograph session and a photo session too.

In addition to owning vacant lots in Forestville, Mr. Kneeper also owns vacant and abandoned properties throughout the region including memorable ones in New Britain, Plantsville, Meriden and Turner Falls Massachusetts.

Knepper began letting his properties go in the 1990s because he is lazy and stopped caring. The properties feature a wide swath of neglect and debris from garbage to general overgrowth. The motivation for abandoning his properties varies from property to property.

Empty lot historian Alex Chipley will once again lead fans on a trolley tour of the vacant lots and conduct a trivia contest too. Winners will not receive any prizes just the knowledge that they won.

During the 31-minute tour fans will learn about Forestville’s rich history of vacant lots, and what the future holds for vacant lots.

There is no charge to go on the trolley but it costs 12 bucks to get off the trolley.

This event is sponsored by the Forestville Historical Society and Intimate Encounters, a popular Forestville escort service owned by Mr. Knepper.

Vacant Lot Trolley Tour

* Trolley tour leaves every 30 minutes beginning at 6PM
* The last trolley leaves at 6PM
* Adults: NO charge to get on 12 bucks to get off
* Children (5 – 12): $8.00 to get on $0 to get off
* Children younger than 5 ride free but they are not allowed to speak or talk


Cancer Patient’s Life Ends on Shameful Note

April 23, 2018

Longtime Forestville resident Betty Mitchell succumbed to cancer at age 61. For those who knew her, she will be remembered not as a hero who courageously battled cancer, but a complete coward. Even her doctor was disgusted.

Boardman interviewed a friend of hers on condition of anonymity to not tarnish this blog’s reputation.

“I’m ashamed to have known her,” the friend admitted. “I mean, didn’t she realize how her cravenness would reflect on her friends and family?”

One relative started a cancer research fundraiser in her name on the website GoFundMe. However, GoFundMe quickly shut it down fearing that her story would discredit all patient charities. Her family members were also banned from participating in Bristol’s “Stop Cancer” fun run as well as all Susan G. Komen “Race for the Cure” events.

Mrs. Mitchell’s funeral was eventually held at West Cemetery on Sunday after St. Joseph Cemetery kicked her out. The ceremony was interrupted briefly by a counterprotest from cancer survivors.

Her body was laid to rest behind a large bush in an unmarked part of the cemetery. All those in attendance wore black veils to conceal their identities, including the priest.

The eulogy was short, ending with the words: “Let’s get this over with. The game’s on.”


City Council Minutes Now Available in Paperback

April 13, 2018

The March minutes to the Bristol City Council meeting from March 13, 2018, are now available in paperback.

The March 2018 council meeting comes to life as the curious reader will enjoy a transcript of the Committee Reports, Resignations, Consent Calendar, Unfinished Business and Appointments.

The book also goes beyond the issues and explores the requirements of a public meeting, agenda preparation and approval, how to type the minutes, how to read the minutes, how to have a fun little quorum, the joys of FOI requests and so much more.

A compendium of all things city council is included in the back of the book in the area where people usually do not read nor venture.

It is not the Camelot of the Arthurian world or the Algonquin Roundtable, but a suzerainty that insufflates an iconic building with the mundane and mysterious.

This edition comes with a fifty-page preface by Mayor Ellen Zoppo-Sassu complete with references and a story about an extra credit project she did in college.

The book is also available as an audio book narrated by the mayor with music by the kazoo section of the Bristol Philharmonic.

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Product details
• Series: Bristol City Council Classics
• Paperback: 512 pages
• Publisher: 111 North Main; 1 edition (March 13, 2018)
• Language: Supposedly English
• Product Dimensions: 5 x 0.9 x 7.8 inches
• Shipping Weight: 12.6 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)– does not ship outside Bristol/Forestville
• Average Customer Review: 4.2 out of 5 stars 941 customer reviews
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #1,354,322.5 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
• #3,000560 in Books > Law > Regional > Bristol
• #100,000 in Books > Textbooks > Epic
• #3 in Books > Literature & Fiction > Poetry > Regional & Cultural > Ellen Zoppo-Sassu

Customer Reviews

This is my favorite book of all time!
E. Zoppo-Sassu

I’ve long been a fan of the Bristol City Council Classics series, so when I heard a new edition was coming out, I was so excited I had to tell my pet fish Sophie all about it. While I enjoyed the controversial “2018 February Minutes of the Bristol City Council,” this one is by far the best the City Council has put out IMHO. I’m excited that it is finally in paperback!
E. Gurney

I’ve read many books like this including the picture book, “2018 February Minutes of the Southington City Council,” and the “Selected Federal Taxation Statutes and Regulations: 2018 with Motro Tax Map (Selected Statutes).” This was fairly entertaining once you get past the two days it takes to read the preface. However, if you want a quicker read, try the “2018 Hartford Balanced Budget Plan.”
W. Betts


I give this book a low rating because I thought I had purchased a different book.
H. Weinstein

From the seller
We are sorry for the mixup. Your copy of the 2018 March Minutes of the Bristol City Council of Hot Babes is on its way.


Bob Knepper Divorce from Work Wife Getting Ugly

April 9, 2018

Last week Bob Knepper announced he is divorcing his work wife Stephanie Rogers of three years.

The pair work at the Forestville consulting firm of Landry, Issel and Escalanté.

Initially it appeared the co-workers were comfortable with their workplace uncoupling as relations were amicable, but late last week the relationship went completely south.

A work associate, who wished to remain anonymous but is named Hal Gurney, told Boardman confidentially, “Knepper claims his ex-work wife divulged personal details about him in a conspiracy to embarrass him.” Gurney added, “Bob thinks Stephanie is telling everyone that he arrives late every day but makes up for it by leaving early. He also said that she said he routinely gets drunk at office parties and falls asleep on the job. BFD everyone knew that already.”

Mr. Kneeper has certainly experienced his fair share of office faux pas lately. Last week he microwaved fish, which is a cardinal sin in any office, and in successive days he purposively burned popcorn and sauerkraut.

Meanwhile, for her part, Ms. Rogers has openly been getting coffee with another male employee during afternoon breaks, and not wearing headphones will listening to her music.

In response, Mr. Knepper is seeking primary physical custody of the small refrigerator he shared with Ms. Rogers.

Ms. Rogers has asked their supervisor to move Knepper’s cubicle.

Employees admit they are really enjoying the drama because it makes for great office gossip.


Forestville Easter Egg Hunt Goes Awry

April 1, 2018

The 2018 Forestville Easter Egg Hunt put on by the Elks Lodge attracted more than 125 youngsters to Rockwell Park Saturday, which was odd since the event was held at Peck Park officials said.

Organizers stated it was a festive atmosphere but the egg hunt was plagued with fighting, lost eggs, chaos and general anarchy.

For 3-year-old Cassidy Bernick it was her first Easter egg hunt and she was really looking forward to it. The results however were disappointing because she did not find any eggs. Her mother Jane said, “We put ourselves in a hole early in the hunt when Cassidy wandered off the course. It did not help matters when she bonked that (Bennie) Joppers kid in the head with her basket.”

Young Melanie Harper struggled too. A seasoned veteran of two years she made what could be called a rookie mistake when she bit Timmy Norstrom’s ear.

Vladimir Myshkin proved to be very formidable at finding eggs. It was later learned that Vladimir, who post hunt tests showed he had taken illegal levels of performance enhancing drugs in this case sugar.

He was forced to turn over his eggs and received a year suspension by the World Anti-Doping Agency. He joins Lance Armstrong as the only people banned from Easter egg hunts.

Attacked

The Easter Bunny was there too and he was not impervious to controversy. Several mothers felt he was showing favoritism to certain children. Consequently the 6ft tall bunny, made of pink polyester and satin, was attacked and thrown to the ground and repeatedly punched and kicked and spanked by a group of mothers gone rogue. Police later told Boardman, “It then got weird.”