Why New Britain Mayor Erin Stewart Always Smiles is Finally Revealed!

February 2, 2018

Erin Stewart became mayor of New Britain at the age of 26 in 2013, and was reelected in 2015 and 2017 as well.

Prior to becoming mayor, Erin was a campaign staffer for former Congresswoman Nancy Jonson, and was a legislative aide in the Connecticut General Assembly.

These are some of the reasons she is always smiling, but others say it is because of her new BankAmericard® Credit Card!

The BankAmericard® Credit Card is the top-ranked balance transfer card, and a great choice for anyone looking to save on balance transfer fees and interest charges, especially if you live in New Britain or Forestville, which is so awesome!

But that is not the only reason for Erin’s ear to ear smile.

The 30 year old New Britain mayor is a fiscally conservative Republican who is also pro choice and supports responsible gun ownership, and the civil rights of everybody, which brings a smile to her face day in and day out. However, another reason Erin Stewart is always smiling is because the GOVERNMENT WILL PAY YOUR MORTAGE IF YOU BORN BEFORE 1984!

That’s right people the Federal Government, yes THE federal government, has introduced a brilliant homeowner program called Home Affordable Refinance Plan (HARP), which benefits millions of Americans; if you believe everything you read on the internet is true! By enrolling in this program homeowners can reduce their monthly mortgage payments by a ton.

You may find it hard to believe, but this is not the only reason Erin is constantly smiling. No, no.

During her tenure as mayor, Erin Stewart cut the city of New Britain’s deficit with spending cuts and eliminating jobs and the results were four bond-rating upgrades from Standard & Poor’s.

And while that brought a smile to her face, Erin Stewart was REALLY smiling when she learned Michigan Treasure Hunters unearthed dirt in their quest to find a 220 year old treasure!

Erin is tickled with delight that Rick and Marty Lagina are from Kingsford, Michigan, and that every summer they spend millions of dollars in Novia Scotia to find undiscovered dirt buried deep below the surface of the earth.

So, at long last Erin Stewart’s secret is revealed, which is another reason she is always smiling because…

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Popular Children’s Show Star Slappy the Seal Found Dead!

January 3, 2018

Slappy the Seal

Slappy the Seal – star of Nutmeg Television’s program, “Slap Happy Slappy” died late Monday, off the shores of Norway.

Preliminary autopsy results indicate the cause of death as “harpooning.” Officials would not comment on rumors that Slappy was being turned into a hat, tastefully trimmed in chinchilla following his untimely death.

Slappy was last seen Friday afternoon dining with his agent, Michelle Bohan, at a sushi bar in Plainville. Ms. Bohan was unable to explain how her client ended up halfway around the world.

Slap Happy Slappy was the highest rated children’s program on Nutmeg TV, and featured Slappy performing various tricks for a studio audience of children – in between Japanese Anime cartoons.

Celebrity condolences came in almost immediately.

“We were going to honor him the keys to the city but as everyone knows now they went missing. I’m not naming names Greg, Peter, or Josh. Anyway, Slappy will be missed.”
Ellen Zoppo-Sassu, Mayor Bristol, CT

“He was a great deal of fun at the Pequabuck River Duck Race. What was that trick he did with the ball and his nose? Oh shoot I can’t remember. Anyway, he will be missed.”
Waddles, The Pequabuck River Duck Race Mascot

“Slappy was going to roll out the first pitch at a Bristol Blues game this season. I guess he can’t now – maybe Waddles will do it instead. Anyway, Slappy will be missed.”
Elliot Scheiner, owner Bristol Blues Baseball Club

News of the show’s fate came swiftly as well.

Nutmeg TV announced the immediate termination of the program – calling for the entire studio to be gutted and steam cleaned. In a press release they justified the show’s cancelation, “The whole place smells like low tide, and we may never be able to remove the foul stench.”

Boardman


The Bristol Beat Out of Business Sale

December 4, 2017

The Bristol Beat, Bristol’s Rock Mix, an internet radio station and a window to the community, is sadly off the air.

Recently, the Beat announced via their Facebook page that they shut off their microphones thus going silent forever. So with their legal obstacles cleared they are selling off their assets with a Christmas in December liquidation super sale!

In a fast-talking Crazy Eddie type commercial promoting the sale and airing on local cable television, the Beat proclaims “everything must go with prices so low it’s practically a steal. In fact, it is!”

“The Beat flatlined so everything is priced to sell such as microphones, cables, wires, jacks, adapters, and office equipment too including chairs, desks and previously used staples.

“We literary took a buzzsaw and cut in half the editing suites, mixing boards, headphones and even our award-winning mic flags. This way you get two for the price of one!

“Everything and anything associated with this radio station and our offices must be sold. Routers, computers, CDs, tapes, records and even the DJs too! Buy Michael Anthony and Amy Sunshine and we will throw in the interns for free. Buy them, take them I don’t care! Everybody and everything is boxed and ready to move.

“We need money and we need it now. Paper, coins, fiats – it don’t matter! Deutsche Marks, Krugerrands, Doubloons, Rubles, Liras, Guineas, Swiss Francs and God strike me down for saying this but even Bitcoins too. We will take anything. I don’t care and nor should you.

“We will not be under sold, we cannot be under sold because everything must go. Come on down, stop on down, just get on down to North Main Street now because our prices are ins-a-a-ane!”


ESPN Enlists Local Help In Downsizing

December 3, 2017

Financial woes at ESPN are mounting and cost-cutting is de riguer. After Thanksgiving, the network started to let go 250 employees, including on-air talent, crew and a service dog accused of sexual harassment by a chihuahua who works the lunch counter.

To further reduce overhead, ESPN commercials will be less funny and calls to the new “Golic & Wingo” talk show will be handled by a call center in New Delhi. ESPN studios will also move from Bristol to New York and the local public access channel Nutmeg, where they will start shooting once employees complete Nutmeg’s rigorous camera and production training classes.

A bright spot is that the cost-cutting moves are giving locals an opportunity to hit it big in cable TV.

ESPN spokesman Gerard Dorfer said, “Let’s just say, we saw what Farmington Valley’s public access has to offer and we were impressed.”

For instance, a slide in ratings has the network eying replacing Monday night NFL with less costly reruns of Bristol Eastern High School Lancers wrestling. ESPN is also dropping its “30 for 30” documentary series. In its place will be “Story Corner,” a sports story program “for kids who love faraway castles and dragons that breathe fire made of tangerine marshmallows.” The show’s host is Suzy Wanders, a substitute teacher who sniffs face powder and compulsively draws pictures of her imaginary friend, Princess Gupta. “This is a dream come true,” said Wanders, “as long as Princess Gupta approves.” She added to the air, “Right, your highness?”

“Kvetching with Mrs. Bergstein,” is slated for Tuesdays on ESPN Classic. Boardman reached out to Mrs. Bergstein, but her only comment was, “Oh my God. They put me up against ‘The Voice’. Can you believe it? Worse, my foot hurts and Dr. Wittman is out of town ’til Wednesday and I have this bald spot right above my neck. Can you see it?”

A Nutmeg talk show will debut as well. “What’s Up With That? with Gary Suet” replaces the unpopular “Pardon the Interruption.” Suet, who hosts the show with a hand puppet named, “Base Stealy, The Base-Stealing Squirrel,” relishes the chance to bring his brand of baseball knowledge and plumbing tips to a wider audience.

“I think like, I’m gonna talk about the Yankees and how they’re like this garbage disposal I’m fixing at Mrs. McGuffin’s,” said Suet. “So, uh, I normally get like two callers on a show, right? On ESPN, I’ll probably totally double that.”

“That’s right, man,” chimed in Base Stealy. “Gimme an acorn!”

“We think these shows will be wildly somewhat popular and help our bottom line,” said Dorfer. “By canceling ‘First Take’ alone, the network will save $100,000 a year just on Stephen A.’s wardrobe.”

He added with a nervous laugh, “If this doesn’t work, our parent company Disney says they’ll drop sports altogether and change us to TSC – ‘The Sewing Channel.'”


Sean Spicer Eyes Move to Federal Hill

October 7, 2017

Following the news that former White House spokesperson Sean Spicer is eying properties in the Federal Hill section of Bristol, The Bristol Federal Hill Association held an emergency meeting late last night.

Many members are in a panic that Mr. Spicer could move into the historic neighborhood. One man, who lives on Oakland Street and wished not to be identified, but his first name is Otto and his last name is Velez, said he does not want Mr. Spicer to live near him. “I am afraid he will yell at me and my little dog FuFu if I ask him a question.”

Fefe DuBoise went further telling Boardman, “He will interrupt the neighborhood’s bucolic splendor with his constant need to argue.”

After failing to land a job at CBS News, CNN, Fox News, ABC News and NBC News as a contributor, Mr. Spicer secured a deal to develop a program with Nutmeg TV, the areas public access station. Boardman has exclusively learned that Sean Spicer’s program will be called Yoga with Sean and will air Wednesday mornings at 6AM.

Sean Spicer is considering a move to the Bristol/Forestville area so he can commute to Nutmeg TV with Bob Boils host of Good Morning Plainville.


MOTHER OF GOD WHAT THE F IS GOING ON?

September 28, 2017

“Hoooooly Shit! The City of Bristol has gone collectively insane!” exclaimed Dr. Edward Stouten, a psychologist at Tunxis Community College following the revelations in Bristol’s latest political soap opera.

For the last few weeks there have random apologies, accusations, counter accusations, screen shots, finger pointing, Facebook fights and threats all in the name of politics.

In an exclusive interview, Dr. Stouten told Boardman while twirling his right index finger near his head, “This town is cuckoo.”

Dr. Stouten, in a report to The American Psychiatric Association, recommended that the entire City of Bristol be sent to a state mental facility that is fenced with guarded grounds for evaluation, treatment and therapy. “Clinically speaking there are no drugs or medications on God’s green earth that can help some of the politicos or residents. I’m not mentioning names…Amanda Yapes.”

In attempt to capitalize on all the chaos, next month the local public access channel Nutmeg TV will air its new day time drama As Bristol Fades.

Gunner Fenbeck and Brad Blazer, the producers of How to Make Toast and Legislators in Love, promise plenty of plot twists, tawdry secrets and kooky plotlines ripped straight from the hallowed halls of Bristol City Hall in the hour-long drama.

In the first episode, the self-described “man of the people candidate”, Andrew Howe suffering from Stockholm Syndrome is written out of the show as he follows the mayor off a political cliff.

In a weird side plot, the Cicero of the council chambers Calvin Brown blurts out a secret that’s not a secret but is a secret to those that don’t know that it’s a secret. DUN DUN DUUUUN!!!

And finally, a deceased mayor comes back from the dead to haunt the town and run as a third-party candidate in his present reanimated condition. Boo!

As Bristol Fades will air at noon Monday through Friday on Nutmeg TV following a morning of dead air.

The Forestville Fired Department declined to comment about this matter.


Forestville MILF Still Turning Heads

August 12, 2017

Barbara Deavers, a 55 year old mother of two and wife of Forestville industrialist John Deavers, was spotted sporting peep toe heels and an earth toned summer dress at the Stop &Shop on Pine Street late yesterday.

As she navigated her way through the aisles during her grocery run, she garnered a lot of attention from the male shoppers and employees alike.

Observers say she shopped effortlessly buying produce, cereal and bread. Stealing the spotlight from the price marker employee, she was radiant and showcased her sleek and slender build.

While in Aisle 4 she caught the attention of employee Jimmy Slates who could not remain focused on stocking the Fruity Pebbles he was tasked, “I mean like she is way better than all the other MILFs that come in here cuz like I don’t know,” Mr. Slates gushed.

Mrs. Deavers burst onto the MILF radar in the 1990s following the birth of her second Seth, and has remained there ever since.

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