Local Women Told to Up Her Shoe Game

February 7, 2019

Last October, thirty something year-old Lynn Anne Chambers broke up with her boyfriend Mark. Since then she’s had difficulty attracting male suiters.

Best friend Muffy Bancroft said part of the problem is her shoes, “They are horrible!” she told Chambers at dinner Friday night. “You can’t be seen with the girls in the Forestville nightlife wearing flats.”

In recent weeks she has been spotted wearing Ugg boots, clogs, and clodhoppers. “She does not have to always wear Come F Me Shoes, but Jesus get in the ballgame,” Ms. Bancroft told Boardman.

Forestville’s high society is aghast at her shoe selection as well, and now they only refer to her as “That Chambers woman.”

Friends say, in response to the uproar, they plan an intervention.

Ms. Bancroft implored her friend to up her shoe game. “Lynn is not a trailer park moo-moo, but good quality CFMPs would really improve her romantic situation.”

This is not Ms. Chambers first run in with her confidants over her fashion choices.

In January of 2017, her associates were outraged because she wore inferior nylons to dinner at Nuchie’s. “It was a cringeworthy moment,” relayed one friend named Amanda Rice, who wished not to be identified. “Haynes stockings? I had a stiff drink to steady my nerves that night.”

And this last summer Lynn went afoul when she attended a clam bake in a Lilly Pulitzer Beach Dress, but without a matching clutch. “I threw up in my mouth when I saw that,” recalled Tameka Lopes, who is in therapy due to the incident. “You can’t unsee something so potent,” she glumly stated.

Muffy Bancroft hopes this is the apex of her friend’s fashion problems. “I am not sure how much more we can endure as her friends, but also more importantly as a community.”

The Forestville Fire Department declined to comment about the matter.


Local Humorist Accused of Not Being Funny Barricades Room

December 30, 2018

John Eggers, noted Forestville humorist, barricaded himself in his home Saturday and refused to come out until someone laughed at one of his jokes, police said.

Mr. Eggers wife said her husband was “on” and “riffing” during the early morning, but all that changed after an exchange with a reader on his humor website. The reader said Mr. Eggers was not funny and in response Eggers locked himself into his writer’s garret and refused to come out, even for a cup of coffee.

The Forestville Police Department soon arrived and several of Mr. Eggers one liners were passed around amongst the SWAT Unit, but they did not solicit any laugher. According to Park Constable Patty O’Reilly, “No one was in a laughing mood at dat time sonny.”

The standoff ended in the early evening, when officers came upon a joke on his website they deemed “funny.” When the FPD finally entered the home, Eggers was armed with nothing more than his dictionary, a newspaper and his wit.

Officials say Mr. Eggers was taken to a comedy club after being processed by police.

Rachel Maddow Announces Her Black Blazer Will Tour in 2019

December 24, 2018

MSNBC news host Rachel Maddow wears the same black blazer on her nightly program each and every night. Fans and viewers have marveled about the jacket for years.

Now the black jacket is going on a rare stadium tour all by itself where her legions of fans will be able to view it for themselves. For many making the pilgrimage this will the closest they will get to a celebrity.

The origins of the blazer are clouded in mystery.

Some say it was bequeathed to her by Marlene Dietrich.

Others think the boring, black blazer is suave and was designed specifically for her by Coco Chanel prior to her death.

And leading scientists, having tested a few strands, say carbon dating suggests the fitted blazer in woven fabric with notched lapels, welt front pockets, and decorative buttons at the cuffs, was woven between 2005 and 2012. As a result, to conserve and protect the blazer during the public exhibitions, it will be permanently stored in a temperature controlled, portable boutique and surrounded by MSNBC security.

For select dates her black horn-rimmed glasses will be on display too.

Tickets go on sale in 2019. The tour schedule is as follows:

May 20th – Lenox, MA @ Tanglewood
May 22nd – Los Angeles, CA @ Hollywood Bowl
May 26th – Morrison, CO @ Red Rocks Amphitheatre
May 29th – Washington, D.C. @ FedExField
June 1st – East Rutherford, New Jersey @ MetLife Stadium
June 2nd – Bristol, CT @ Muzzy Field
June 3rd – Philadelphia, PA @ Lincoln Financial Field
June 18th – Foxborough, MA @ Gillette Stadium
June 21st – Chicago, IL @ Soldier Field
June 24th – Glendale, AZ @ State Farm Stadium
June 26th – Pasadena, CA @ The Rose Bowl

Meteorologists Issue a Major Trump Tweetstorm Warning for the Weekend

December 7, 2018

In anticipation of Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s court filings expected today regarding the Russia probe, meteorologists at NOAA and the National Weather Service have issued a Trump Tweetstorm Warning, starting Friday afternoon through Monday.

A bevy of insults and accusations littered with misspellings and punctuation errors should begin appearing sometime Friday afternoon on Twitter. In fact, small bands of tweets began battering the internet Friday morning. However, the storm is expected to gain strength throughout Friday, and make landfall with a flurry wreaking havoc on the Twittersphere.

NOAA and the National Weather Service each issued surge warnings for Friday night into Saturday morning. Tweetstorm warnings are up for both coastlines, the Gulf Coast and Middle America with 300 million people in the path of the storm.

The European and American models of the storm differ slightly with the European model showing the meltdown veering to the UK, and then possibly China at some point during the weekend. The American model keeps the temper tantrum contained to the US.

Governor’s along the Eastern seaboard issued emergency declarations this morning, and evacuation orders for those citizens and institutions in direct path of the fast moving and sloppy tirade. Government officials, investigators and anyone who previously dared to criticize Trump are likely to be the subject of his potentially historic ire.

Here are what leaders across the country are saying and doing in preparation of Trump’s consequential tweetstorm:

Governor Larry Hogan (R), Maryland
“Due to the hazards posed by the expected storm everyone should seek shelter.”

Governor Dannel Malloy (D), Connecticut
“Citizens should curtail their time on Twitter and instead check on family, friends and neighbors.”

U.S. Senator Marco Rubio (R-FL)
“Thoughts and prayers for everyone. What do you expect? That is all I ever say!”

Mayor Ellen Zoppo-Sassu (D), Bristol, CT
“I’ve directed our Public Works Department to be vigilant and prepared for any eventualities. It’s going to be a rough 72 hours, so I’ve got plenty of eye rolls at the ready.”

Assistant Attorney General Rod Rosenstein Not Moving to Forestville Just Yet

December 6, 2018

Now that he appears to be on secure footing and not on the verge of being fired by the president, Deputy Attorney-General Rod Rosenstein has canceled his house hunting tour of Forestville, according to sources.

The beleaguered Assistant Attorney General, long rumored to be fired by Trump, is keeping his job for now. However, Rosenstein, previously anticipating his dismissal, was actively eying a Cape in the family friendly Pine Lake section of Forestville.

He also scoped out a home near Mountain View School, which featured a car port, and a Colonial in the North End with Lap siding.

Mr. Rosenstein even began integrating himself into the community. Two weeks ago, he purchased a membership to the American Clock & Watch Museum, and just last week he bought a weekend subscription to the Bristol Press.

The Forestville Fire Department had no comment about this story.

Mary Had a Little Lamb

November 28, 2018

Until further notice….

Mary had a little lamb,
Its fleece was white as snow;
And everywhere that Mary went
The lamb was sure to go.

It followed her to school one day,
Which was against the rule;
It made the children laugh and play
To see a lamb at school.

And so the teacher turned it out,
But still it lingered near,
And waited patiently about
Till Mary did appear.

Why does the lamb love Mary so?
The eager children cry;
Why, Mary loves the lamb, you know,
The teacher did reply.

Community Calender November 25 thru December 1

November 26, 2018

The Community Calendar is sponsored by:

The Forestville Urgent Care Facility
“We are always here for you.”
Hours: Monday thru Friday 9-3:30
Closed Saturdays, Sundays and all holidays

Here is a list of events happening this week in Bristol/Forestville:

Tuesday November 27
Event: How to Use a Swiffer Sweefer

Category: Workshop
Location: Italian Social Club
Time: 9-11
Description: Milly Fescal teaches students how to move the Swiffer back and forth across a hard wood floor using the American Technique.

The European method will not be taught.

As a bonus, Milly will provide tips on how to avoid getting Carpel Tunnel Syndrome by properly using the ergonomic handle.

Wednesday November 28
Event: How to Cope with Mondays
Category: Workshop
Location: Manross Library
Time: 9-11
Description: Monday arrives with a lack of energy, irritability and self-blame for a rough weekend. However, in reality, Monday is just another day in the week and not to be feared.

Receive a Monday fact sheet and discover options for dealing with Monday, but also parts of Tuesday.

Thursday November 29
Event: Bus Trip to Route 10 in Plainville
Category: Field Trip
Departure: 9AM Mix Street Lot
Description: Travel Route 10 from the Farmington Town Line to the Southington Town Line
Scheduled Return: 9:45
Snacks will be served

Friday November 30
Event: Tour Bristol Municipal Parking Garage

Category: Tour
Location: Municipal Parking Garage, North Main Street
Time: 9-11
Description: Tour guides will show each individual parking space in Bristol’s Municipal Garage. Hear stories about the building’s leaky roof, and where “Frank’s Tank” once parked.