Trump Fires Tillerson; Eyes Move to Forestville

March 13, 2018

This morning Trump fired Rex Tillerson as Secretary of State and preplaced him CIA Director Mike Pompeo.

Mr. Tillerson had grown increasingly disillusioned with the Trump administration, and their undermining of his authority.

Sources say the 65 year old Texan and former ExxonMobil CEO next order of business is to move to the Forestville section of Bristol in the coming weeks. Mr. Tillerson is excited about Bristol’s low crime rate and its numerous attractions.

Currently he is looking at properties in the Village Road area along the Plainville border, but has not ruled out Federal Hill or Chippens Hill. Upon moving to Forestville/Bristol his neighbors will include other Trump refugees Sean Spicer and Stormy Daniels.


Stormy Daniels Moving to Federal Hill Section of Bristol

March 9, 2018

Porn actress Stormy Daniels has purchased a home in the Federal Hill section of Bristol, according to sources.

The “Wicked Divas”, “Bikini Kitchen” and “Big Busted Goddesses of Las Vegas”, actress purchased a property in the historic enclave, which is listed on the National Register of Historic Places and Bristol’s List of Fancy Schmancy Neighborhoods.

Ms. Daniels, whose real name is Stephanie Clifford, joins a neighborhood filled with Bristol’s A-listers and insiders, many of whom no one has ever heard of.

The amenities of her large Victorian home include windows, doors, a cellar, heat and a roof, says Fefe DuBoise, a nosy neighbor.

The women of “The Hill” are having an allergic reaction to Ms. Daniels taking up residence and have banned her from their Wine While Knitting Meetups, and the Aqua Zumba Class they take Saturday mornings at the Bristol Boys & Girls Club.

Meanwhile, the men are showering the AVN (Adult Video News) Hall of Fame member with lavish gifts from Parkside Café, and offering to show her the neighborhood. “Yeah, I got Stormy a Parkside Café gift card, so what?” said Oakland Street home owner Otto Velez. “Actually, I got her two and a t-shirt as well only because it is not everyday that a Hall of Famer moves into the neighborhood!”

Federal Hill Association to Provide Trolley Tours Following Winter Storm

February 7, 2018

Bristol/Forestville will receive a wintry mix of ice and show Wednesday with schools expected to be closed. Accumulations will be 2 to 4 inches with the higher elevations to receive slightly more.

The Bristol Federal Hill Association, anticipating the community wants to know how residents of Federal Hill faired during and after the storm, will have trolley tours all day Thursday so everyone can see for themselves. The tours will feature first-hand accounts by Federal Hill residents about the challenges they faced watching others clean their driveways and sidewalks.

There will also be stories by survivors who braved the elements, and removed snow themselves with a snowblower or shovel.

Meanwhile, Thursday morning, the mayor and acting mayor will survey the snow covered Federal Hill neighborhood from a helicopter to verify there is no damage. Later, they will attend a media briefing and update the city if Federal Hill residents require aid or assistance.

If you need information about how family and friends in the Federal Hill neighborhood are doing after the storm, the city encourages you to call the hotline they set up at 1-800-FEDERAL. The hotline is open from 6:30 a.m. until midnight every day until the next storm rolls in.

That’s All Folks

November 11, 2017

On a cold rainy night, crowds numbering in the hundreds, gathered throughout Bristol and Forestville to celebrate that the election was finally over. When the news broke a raucous cheer went up and could be heard from Forestville to Witches Rock and over to Chippens Hill.

The celebrations in Forestville were started by unregistered voters and began just after 8PM Tuesday night, and continued into Wednesday.

Roberta Jones, an attendant at Mr. Bubbles Car Wash, was in disbelief. Trembling and with tears filling her eyes, she asked, “Oh my gosh it’s over? It’s really, really over?” Her friend Wendy fell to her knees and cried, “Thank you baby Jesus!”

A woman named Mitzi Danforth, residing on Redstone Hill Road in an earth colored ranch featuring an electric garage door opener and a finished basement, requested her identity not be revealed was thrilled too, “No more phone calls! No mailers! No more drama!”, she roared.

And Councilman Dave Preleski, like the Crying-Indian in the Keep America Beautiful commercials, shed a single tear and solemnly said, “I don’t have to censure anyone anymore.”

Downtown, a massive crowd assembled along Memorial Boulevard blocking many side streets. Police on horseback cleared the area so the celebration could continue. One man wore a brightly colored Fuck Voting! sweatshirt. It fittingly captured the mood and the moment.

Federal Hill saw its fair share of celebrations too with music and dancing, but the mood was sullied when the revelers realized there is another election in just twelve months.

Election Coverage from the Front Lines

November 7, 2017

5:50 AM – Welcome to coverage of Bristol’s Election Day 2017 from Chippens Hill Middle School polling station. People have been camping out here since last night. Some went home when they found out the line was for voting, not the iPhone X.

5:55 AM – The polls are about to open. As everyone knows, voting in Bristol starts with the traditional casting of the first ballot performed by the resident with the most elections under their belt. That honor goes to 90-year-old Mrs. Myrna Dorian, who is 59 – 0 in voting in elections.

She is now arriving in her 1977 silver Cadillac Seville proudly escorted by four Bristol Shriners in tiny cars.

As last puffs of black soot leave the car’s exhaust pipe, the nonagenarian Mrs. Dorian steps out of her car.

6:00 AM – Mrs. Dorian is still stepping out of her car.

6:15 AM – A polling station volunteer is now helping Mrs. Dorian step out of the car.

She is wearing an extraordinary $30 Martha Stewart ensemble complemented by smart leather pumps from Shoe Circus. Look out, Melanea!

Mrs. Dorian waves to the crowd. In her honor, the middle school band performs the traditional tune “Going to Vote” by John Philip Sousa.

6:25 AM – She’s made her way into the polling station. They are checking her identification. As you know, Connecticut has no photo ID law. This is perfect since rumor has it she has lost her original voter ID card and so is pretending to be a 24-year-old Mexican immigrant.

And there she goes to the ballot booth to fill in her choices.

6:30 AM – Myrna emerges from her booth and deposits her ballot. She turns to the crowd hands in the air and a big smile on her face, her ballot cast.

Confetti is dropping from the ceiling.

Myrna seems a bit confused in the storm of confetti. But she has found the door out.

Myrna returns to her car as the band plays Sousa’s “Returning to the Car After Voting” song.
Damn, that Sousa knew how to write music!

9:00 AM – Bristol’s mayor has entered the polling station wearing his famous orange tie. It measures 3.5 inches wide and is 57 inches long. Rumors abound that the mayor sleeps with the tie because he can’t undue the knot.

City Clerk Therese Pac greets him at the door, dressed in the traditional gold brocade jacket over ruffle shirt, feathered cap, breeches, and white stockings with buckle shoes. Across her chest is the official sash of the Office of City Clerk.

Assistant to the Clerk Dawn LaBella similarly dressed with half-sash blows a trumpet announcing the mayor’s arrival. Hanging off the trumpet is the emblem of Bristol – a giant mum with a sword through it.

9:30 AM – It’s Democrat challenger Mrs. Zoppo-Sassu’s turn. She enters wearing a graduation robe from college and is posing for photographs holding a copy of her degree and an essay on why she wants to be mayor.

10:30 AM – I’m told the major write-in candidate for mayor has just shown up, though no one seems to recognize him.  His candidacy has been marred by obscurity and an insistence that this election be a referendum on the war in Iraq.

11:02 AM: Currently at Northeast Middle School and Greg Hahn, with his hands in his pockets, has leisurely just strolled in and is now leisurely strolling out. He was mumbling something about Kern Park.

12:02 PM: Now at Greene Hills School and Cheryl Thibeault, candidate for office in the 3rd District, has arrived. Weird, but I was talking with her resume© ten minutes before she even got here.

1:30 PM: Registrar of Voters announces at the Chippens Hill precinct that the next 200 people to vote here will receive a Whit Betts bobblehead and Fathead.

3:05 PM: The Registrar is now at the Elks Lodge in District 2 and is randomly giving away toy voting booths and replica “I Voted Today” stickers to anyone that did not look all that weird.

4:30 PM: I Stopped in at Mountain View School and saw cheerleaders, adorned in conservative cheerleading garb so as to not entice the male voter, encouraging voters by chanting, “Vote! Vote! Vote!”

6:09 PM: There was no reason to write this sentence but nonetheless here it is.

6:12 PM: Done.