Kavanaugh Sworn in, Democrats Lose Their Collective Shit

October 9, 2018

Brett Kavanaugh was sworn in by Chief Justice John Roberts and retired Associate Justice Anthony Kennedy Saturday. Mr. Kavanaugh is the 114th Supreme Court Justice.

Bristol Democrats began showing up in the emergency room at Bristol Hospital in record amounts shortly after the swearing-in Saturday afternoon. Overwhelmed psychologically and emotionally, they appeared in wave after wave from Forestville, Federal Hill, Edgewood, Northeast, Cedar Lake and even Chippens Hill. Many were walking dazed and confused; some hallucinating many more suffering the ill effects of depression.

Bristol Hospital said they were prepared for the influx of patients as they stocked their trauma rooms with Prozac, Zoloft, Paxil, Lithium and a variety of other anti-depressants.

Hospital officials said they updated the cafeteria menu for the short term to include foods known to help with depression such as apricots, broccoli, cantaloupe, carrots, collards, peaches, pumpkin, spinach and sweet potato.

Curt Barwis, President and CEO of Bristol Hospital, confided to Boardman while engaged in a game of paper football, “As always there is plenty of granola and wheat germ on hand too. Hey man, that’s over the edge and a touchdown!”

Advertisements

Jeff Sessions House Hunting in Bristol

September 8, 2018

Unrelated Headlines

• Tickets Available Still…for the Governor Dannel Malloy Thank You Dinner
• Sun to Burnout in Six Billion Years, NASA Readies Itself
• Humpty Dumpty in Hospital Following Latest Fall; Concussion Feared
• Hamlet Questions “To be or Not to Be”

(BRISTOL)

Embattled United States Attorney General Jeff Sessions was spied house hunting in the Federal Hill Section of Bristol last weekend, sources told Boardman.

The Attorney General, described as a “dumb southerner” by the President of the United States, is seeking a stately manner with a large porch and timeless opulence to meet his traditional southern needs.

Mr. Sessions was touring homes on Summer Street and Beleden Gardens. He looked dapper and relaxed in his Victorian waistcoat, trousers, bowler and walking stick.

Fefe DuBoise, the nosy neighbor of Federal Hill, left a note on his car reminding him to “pick up any trash you leave behind, don’t slouch when you walk and lose the accent.”

“The AG is happy”, a friend told Boardman. “He is focused on separating families at the border, assaulting voting rights, instructing all federal prosecutors to pursue the harshest sentences possible against all crime suspects, and being fired following the mid-terms.”

Should Mr. Sessions move to the Bristol/Forestville area he would be the fifth Trump associate (Rex Tillerson, Gary Cohn, Sean Spicer and Stormy Daniels) to do so.

Meanwhile, Rachel Maddow continues to laugh at her own comments every evening on her show for no reason and I….oh never mind.

END TRANSMISSION


Review of the July 2018 City Council Meeting

July 12, 2018

Alan Boardman remains dead but his condition is improving. As a result, The Mole reviewed the July 2018 Bristol City Council meeting proceedings from Tuesday and those observations follow.

All times are made up because The Mole’s wrist watch does not work.

7:02
We start with the Pledge of Allegiance. Nothing wrong with that but can we change it up once in a while and do the Alphabet Song instead? From the looks of the crowd though there are some people here that probably don’t know the lyrics. Scratch that idea.

7:18
I am bored. Why can’t we have a barbeque during the meeting and turn this joint into a smokehouse? It would not be that difficult. The way I hear it Councilman Dave Mills makes a mean Cornish Game Hen with wild rice and mashed potatoes. Mr. Mills wraps it in bacon with a butter mixture that is absolutely to die for. All this while he diagrams football plays too.

The mayor can bring her Federal Hill famous baked beans. She uses pinto beans (sans the baked beans) with sautéed onions, peppers and a dash of rosemary to get that Smokey taste. Mmm-mmm.

Mary Fortier can show up with her infamous store-bought cole slaw.

Who can we get for the brisket? Does Councilman Greg Hahn cook? Probably not because he is a musician so he is only good for the booze. Get this man access to bourbon, lemon, vermouth, and ginger beer NOW and we can get this thing going!

7:25ish
Did the mayor just say quixotic? What does that even mean? My God I have to waste my time looking this shit up. Yeah, I swore because Boardman is dead and cannot edit me.

According to an online dictionary:

Adjective

1. exceedingly idealistic; unrealistic and impractical.

Yeah it fits these proceedings

Did this woman swallow a dictionary as a kid?

7:35ish
Property transactions. Oh sweet Jesus this is going to take forever. Councilman Preleski enjoys this way too much. Alas, I am headed to Dunkin for an Iced Coffee.

7:47ish.
I am back and Preleski is still going. Yap, yap, yap. My God! Peter Kelley with an e has the look of a man that is in need of a cyanide capsule.

7 something or other
Can we give the ball to Josh Medeiros? The guy is running up and down the court and playing solid D, but he ain’t getting no touches. He is not Pistol Pete Maravich with a dazzling array of behind the back passes, but he can dish and swish, especially from the left side of the circle.

It might be near 8PM
Quiet night for Mary and Greg. Other than seconding and making a motion to make a motion they are laying low. Have they become monks and taken a vow of silence? Let’s see…are they wearing robes? If the two idiots in front of me would-nope no robes. That sucks!

7:50
Other than the guy next to me waking up, what would happen right now if I were to yell Bingo!?

Time Unknown
Dave Preleski is the acting mayor for the next four months? Ay dios mio! Anyone have him in the Acting Mayor Pool? Please bring back Mary because I liked her tenure as acting mayor.

8:00 maybe
New Business is up followed by Old Business. Why can’t we have Nobody’s Business? Oh wait I spoke too soon. Apparently, they are going into “Executive Session” in a minute. Oh boy secret time! Shh.

Sometime after 8:00
Most of the gallery left so this is boring and deathly quiet. Those that remain have their faces stuck in their phones.

Should I make small talk with someone? Maybe this is an opportunity to get to know people that I do not know nor share my political opinions or life experiences. Perhaps by doing so new worthwhile relationships will be forged, and we can engage in dialogue and understanding. Who knows that could lead to lasting friendships thus making Bristol a truly “All Heart” type of community!

Are you kidding me? No way! The Sox are playing Texas and the Yanks are in Baltimore. I need scores and I need them now people.

Time Unknown
I am leaving as I am supposed to meet someone for coffee. Nothing will come of that silly secret meeting anyway. However, if by chance there is breaking news, the local media is here providing gavel to gavel coverage so we will definitely read about it first thing in the morning with a big giant headline!

The Mole


Trump Fires Tillerson; Eyes Move to Forestville

March 13, 2018

This morning Trump fired Rex Tillerson as Secretary of State and preplaced him CIA Director Mike Pompeo.

Mr. Tillerson had grown increasingly disillusioned with the Trump administration, and their undermining of his authority.

Sources say the 65 year old Texan and former ExxonMobil CEO next order of business is to move to the Forestville section of Bristol in the coming weeks. Mr. Tillerson is excited about Bristol’s low crime rate and its numerous attractions.

Currently he is looking at properties in the Village Road area along the Plainville border, but has not ruled out Federal Hill or Chippens Hill. Upon moving to Forestville/Bristol his neighbors will include other Trump refugees Sean Spicer and Stormy Daniels.


Stormy Daniels Moving to Federal Hill Section of Bristol

March 9, 2018

Porn actress Stormy Daniels has purchased a home in the Federal Hill section of Bristol, according to sources.

The “Wicked Divas”, “Bikini Kitchen” and “Big Busted Goddesses of Las Vegas”, actress purchased a property in the historic enclave, which is listed on the National Register of Historic Places and Bristol’s List of Fancy Schmancy Neighborhoods.

Ms. Daniels, whose real name is Stephanie Clifford, joins a neighborhood filled with Bristol’s A-listers and insiders, many of whom no one has ever heard of.

The amenities of her large Victorian home include windows, doors, a cellar, heat and a roof, says Fefe DuBoise, a nosy neighbor.

The women of “The Hill” are having an allergic reaction to Ms. Daniels taking up residence and have banned her from their Wine While Knitting Meetups, and the Aqua Zumba Class they take Saturday mornings at the Bristol Boys & Girls Club.

Meanwhile, the men are showering the AVN (Adult Video News) Hall of Fame member with lavish gifts from Parkside Café, and offering to show her the neighborhood. “Yeah, I got Stormy a Parkside Café gift card, so what?” said Oakland Street home owner Otto Velez. “Actually, I got her two and a t-shirt as well only because it is not everyday that a Hall of Famer moves into the neighborhood!”


Federal Hill Association to Provide Trolley Tours Following Winter Storm

February 7, 2018

Bristol/Forestville will receive a wintry mix of ice and show Wednesday with schools expected to be closed. Accumulations will be 2 to 4 inches with the higher elevations to receive slightly more.

The Bristol Federal Hill Association, anticipating the community wants to know how residents of Federal Hill faired during and after the storm, will have trolley tours all day Thursday so everyone can see for themselves. The tours will feature first-hand accounts by Federal Hill residents about the challenges they faced watching others clean their driveways and sidewalks.

There will also be stories by survivors who braved the elements, and removed snow themselves with a snowblower or shovel.

Meanwhile, Thursday morning, the mayor and acting mayor will survey the snow covered Federal Hill neighborhood from a helicopter to verify there is no damage. Later, they will attend a media briefing and update the city if Federal Hill residents require aid or assistance.

If you need information about how family and friends in the Federal Hill neighborhood are doing after the storm, the city encourages you to call the hotline they set up at 1-800-FEDERAL. The hotline is open from 6:30 a.m. until midnight every day until the next storm rolls in.


That’s All Folks

November 11, 2017

On a cold rainy night, crowds numbering in the hundreds, gathered throughout Bristol and Forestville to celebrate that the election was finally over. When the news broke a raucous cheer went up and could be heard from Forestville to Witches Rock and over to Chippens Hill.

The celebrations in Forestville were started by unregistered voters and began just after 8PM Tuesday night, and continued into Wednesday.

Roberta Jones, an attendant at Mr. Bubbles Car Wash, was in disbelief. Trembling and with tears filling her eyes, she asked, “Oh my gosh it’s over? It’s really, really over?” Her friend Wendy fell to her knees and cried, “Thank you baby Jesus!”

A woman named Mitzi Danforth, residing on Redstone Hill Road in an earth colored ranch featuring an electric garage door opener and a finished basement, requested her identity not be revealed was thrilled too, “No more phone calls! No mailers! No more drama!”, she roared.

And Councilman Dave Preleski, like the Crying-Indian in the Keep America Beautiful commercials, shed a single tear and solemnly said, “I don’t have to censure anyone anymore.”

Downtown, a massive crowd assembled along Memorial Boulevard blocking many side streets. Police on horseback cleared the area so the celebration could continue. One man wore a brightly colored Fuck Voting! sweatshirt. It fittingly captured the mood and the moment.

Federal Hill saw its fair share of celebrations too with music and dancing, but the mood was sullied when the revelers realized there is another election in just twelve months.