Financial Difficulties Hit Connecticut – Ten Injured

July 3, 2017

Hartford faces an inextricable financial crisis. City leaders met in May to discuss the possibility of filing for bankruptcy or running money-raising schemes like making the fire department available for bachelorette parties or listing the Mark Twain and Harriet Beecher Stowe Houses on Airbnb. However, a group of citizens have stepped forward to offer a real solution.

The group is a gang in the North End spun off from The Bloods, that call themselves “The Sera.” Gang leader Jimmie “Deadeye” Brown said they pledge to launch a three-state crime spree, robbing 7-Eleven’s and Cumberland Farms to raise cash money for Hartford.

“This is our town we talking about,” said Deadeye. “I hate seeing city services decline outside of the police department. How can I do drive-bys if my caddy is hitting potholes every half block?”

Connecticut itself is also entrenched in a monetary crisis, largely driven by an out-of-control state pension system. But the idea of pension reform was quickly scrapped after a few hundred pensioners stormed the General Assembly wielding canes and swinging catheter bags.

Juan Carlos Guzman has his own plan to ease the crisis. “A lot of states legalized marijuana to raise money. So there’s too much competition,” he said. “So if the governor legalize something other than marijuana like for discussion topic, crack, you solve budget deficit like that, huh? I’m not saying I sell drugs, but for conversation I’m not having, say the governor makes me sole vendor for the state and I cut the state in for say, twice what the Indians do with their little casinos down south…”

He pointed to court documents which show how lucrative this deal could be. In the third and fourth quarters of 2016, his organization that for conversation he does not run, reported record profits. This includes a 18.6% year-over-year increase from sales of “Chunga Munga”, a designer drug distilled from used socks stolen from senior living centers.

Long-time friend of Governor Malloy, Don Fusilli Cannelloni wants talk of a debt crisis to end. Speaking from a Barcalounger resting on the back of a mafia informant, Mr. Cannelloni said he offered to loan the state enough money to satisfy creditors. Asked whether he worried the state would repay his loan, he replied, “The governor Dannel, Dannie Dan Dan I call him; I trust. Dan Dan agreed he pay me back in six months or he has a talk with Sal about which kneecap he wants broken first.”

Related News
– Mafia Group Pitches In For Local Cemetery
– Humanitarian Award To Don Macaroni For Efforts To Help Get Children On Drugs
– Signor Maccheroni al Pèttine To Mayor Gnocchi: “Whatsa Matta You?”

To cut spending, Governor Malloy has announced that the traditional large fireworks display for the Fourth of July holiday will be replaced by two kids with some bottle rockets.


Stock Market Down Again, Forestville Financial Sector on Edge

January 20, 2016

Financial sector ready to protest

Due to rapidly declining oil prices and another bad day in the stock market, Forestville Police expect a night of boring and bland behavior by Forestville accountants and financial advisors in response.

Financial sector employees have a reputation for being killjoys so police officials are fully prepared for them to live up to their reputation tonight.

Forestville Police said they anticipate accountants, financial planners and advisors to express their outrage and frustration by indulging in banal conversations at local restaurants and bars, much to the displeasure of customers and proprietors.

Last year, when the Internal Revenue Service announced adjustments to the tax tables, accountants responded by publicly engaging in mundane and stale conversations. At least forty people were arrested for their dull trite behavior.

Late this afternoon, police officers were ordered to patrol social gatherings tonight seeking stick-in-the-mud financial employees dressed in drab grey trousers; blankly staring around the room looking like they just came from the morgue, and to disperse them before they ruined everyone’s evening.


Poor People are to blame for the Financial Crisis, says man

February 27, 2009
Wealthy citizens plan protest at Lincoln Memorial

Wealthy citizens plan protest at Lincoln Memorial

I ran into Mark Dresden today and that is always interesting.  Here is a report. 


Mark Dresden believes poor people are to blame for the current financial crisis “If poor people could have afforded their homes when they bought them this crisis would not have happened,” said Mr. Dresden.   


Dresden is organizing a march to the Lincoln Memorial to protest the treatment of wealthy people by poor people.  “They blame the rich for everything.  Well rich folks did not cause this,” said Dresden.  It is expected that several dozen well to do marchers will descend upon the memorial and hear speakers deriding welfare, social security, and numerous other New Deal programs.  Following the speeches they plan to picket homeless shelters and poor neighborhoods, “They need to be held accountable,” said Mr. Dresden.


Um, good luck.