Laying to Rest the 2016 Election

November 11, 2016

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Today a political party is in mourning.

Bristol Democrats still feel the sting from last year’s mayoral defeat, and now they must come to terms with the trauma of Hillary Clinton’s defeat Tuesday.

Leaders within the party said they will allow party members two days to mourn this weekend. The flags at Democratic headquarters on North Main Street will be at Half-Staff Saturday and Sunday, and black bunting will be placed decoratively inside and outside headquarters.

A ceremonial funeral train procession will go from Downtown Bristol to the Forestville Passenger Station Sunday morning shortly after Meet the Press airs on NBC. The funeral train will contain 2016 lawn signs, mailings and other items no longer of value.

The sound of muffled drums will be heard as a donkey drawn hearse leads a solemn procession from the Passenger Station to Forestville Cemetery, where the items will be put to rest in an unmarked grave.

Democratic Town Committee members are to bear witness and line the train route and procession to the cemetery.

The Rite of Committal will be read at the gravesite by the Chairman of the Bristol Democratic Town Committee. Other noteworthy committee members will read sacred scriptures and Epitaphs before a closing hymn.

Following the service everyone is invited to Nuchie’s for a celebration.

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Is There Voting After Death?

November 4, 2016

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With many reports of dead people voting in elections, one local researcher is calling this not fraud, but actual acts from the next life.

Yale parapsychology professor Dr. Emma Cramps has long specialized in research on the habits of the dead. In her recently published book, “Dead But Not Done Living”, she outlined the many ways in which the dead are still with us, though in hiding.

So she was not surprised that past elections show many ballots cast by the dead. “We know that ghosts are manifestations of dead people who have unfinished business left in this world. Such unfinished business logically could include voting. As well, some elections may be regarded by the dead as too important to leave to just the living.”

A recent séance by astrologer Mimi Harrison confirms this theory. “I was waving my hand all around a crystal ball and all I can hear is this voice saying to me, it says, ‘Never Trump! Never Trump!’ Of course I knew in an instant I was channeling the spirit of FDR or Charles Goren, the bridge expert.”

Trump supporters point out that the dead always vote Democrat and claim that it is a sure sign that it is fraud that can easily be stopped by a voter ID law. However, experts point out that it would be discriminatory since the dead have trouble obtain valid photo IDs due to a lack of spirit photographers at the DMV.

The contentious subject may end up at the Supreme Court, which is also taking up other contentious issues such as whether bubble gum should be classified as a vegetable and if sports cars are implicitly racist.

The election is Tuesday November 8, 2016. Stay informed with Alan Boardman’s semi-comprehensive election coverage.


Forestville is thankful

November 24, 2010

Forestville Thanksgiving

Forestville is thankful for the Forestville Cemetery because we have a place to bury our dead.

Forestville is thankful for O’Brien Funeral Home which buries our dead.

Forestville is thankful for the dumpster behind Cumberland Farms because it is a good place to bring garbage when you can’t get to the dump.

Forestville is thankful for our railroad tracks which give our teenagers somewhere to go on Saturday nights.

Living on Forestville time

Forestville is thankful for the clock in Central Square which allows us to live on Forestville time.

Forestville is thankful for Route 72, without it we would be a village without a road.

Forestville is also thankful for Pine Lake and the scenery it provides, and the post office for our mail.

Welcome to Forestville

Forestville is thankful for the Forestville Village Association and the wonderful events they sponsor.

Forestville is thankful to Forestville Little League for providing a venue for our kids to play baseball.

Lastly, Forestville is thankful for Manross Library, the Pequabuck River and the fact that we are not part of Plainville.