New Employees Receive Tour of City Hall

November 12, 2017

Prior to their swearing-in ceremonies Monday night, Mayor-elect Ellen Zoppo-Sassu and soon to be city councilors Greg Hahn, Josh Medeiros and Peter Kelley with an e, were welcomed to City Hall early Friday.

City Councilwoman Mary Fortier provided a tour of 111 N. Main Street and pointed out little things such as such how a door sticks on the third floor, and the toilet handles in the bathrooms need to be jiggled upon flushing.

Late she brought them to the entrance to the Chamber of Seclusion, but they were not allowed to enter. The chamber, located beneath City Hill, is cloaked in mystery because only the mayor and city councilors are allowed access. Rumors abound that is a small and intimate chamber with touches of gold, marble and mahogany with a vending machine, and an air hockey table for entertainment.

“The Chamber of Seclusion is a sacred place for elected officials,” remarked Greg Hahn speaking for the group. “It is the room to which the most difficult decisions are made, and we respect that we cannot enter until we are sworn in. Not only that, but they didn’t give us keys yet.” The council trio will not receive their keys until the outgoing councilors have returned theirs.

Mrs. Fortier also debriefed them regarding the Cone of Decision and the Great Orb of Influence. The future city councilors declined to comment about either.

The Forestville Fire Department could not be reached for comment regarding this story.

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MOTHER OF GOD WHAT THE F IS GOING ON?

September 28, 2017

“Hoooooly Shit! The City of Bristol has gone collectively insane!” exclaimed Dr. Edward Stouten, a psychologist at Tunxis Community College following the revelations in Bristol’s latest political soap opera.

For the last few weeks there have random apologies, accusations, counter accusations, screen shots, finger pointing, Facebook fights and threats all in the name of politics.

In an exclusive interview, Dr. Stouten told Boardman while twirling his right index finger near his head, “This town is cuckoo.”

Dr. Stouten, in a report to The American Psychiatric Association, recommended that the entire City of Bristol be sent to a state mental facility that is fenced with guarded grounds for evaluation, treatment and therapy. “Clinically speaking there are no drugs or medications on God’s green earth that can help some of the politicos or residents. I’m not mentioning names…Amanda Yapes.”

In attempt to capitalize on all the chaos, next month the local public access channel Nutmeg TV will air its new day time drama As Bristol Fades.

Gunner Fenbeck and Brad Blazer, the producers of How to Make Toast and Legislators in Love, promise plenty of plot twists, tawdry secrets and kooky plotlines ripped straight from the hallowed halls of Bristol City Hall in the hour-long drama.

In the first episode, the self-described “man of the people candidate”, Andrew Howe suffering from Stockholm Syndrome is written out of the show as he follows the mayor off a political cliff.

In a weird side plot, the Cicero of the council chambers Calvin Brown blurts out a secret that’s not a secret but is a secret to those that don’t know that it’s a secret. DUN DUN DUUUUN!!!

And finally, a deceased mayor comes back from the dead to haunt the town and run as a third-party candidate in his present reanimated condition. Boo!

As Bristol Fades will air at noon Monday through Friday on Nutmeg TV following a morning of dead air.

The Forestville Fired Department declined to comment about this matter.


City Council Holds Executive Session, No One Injured

August 18, 2017

No one was injured Monday night following the Executive Session of the City Council, according to police. Firefighters, EMTs and police officials were on the scene along with search and rescue dogs and a few dozen spectators.

The councilors adjourned to Executive Session shortly after 6PM; navigated their way to the Executive Chambers, and quietly closed the door behind them all without incident.

During the special meeting they voted to meet with an attorney and have yet another Executive Session at a date still to be determined. After the vote they ordered a no-frills cheese pizza and fried mozzarella from Bristol Pizza.

Several members of the public left that night with bruised egos, but they did not seek nor did they need medical attention, authorities said.

The police department stated the matter is under investigation and they had no other comment.

Not to be out done by their rivals, fire officials issued a statement on colorful fiber cotton business paper stating their headquarters is on North Main Street, and that their firetrucks are still red.


July 4, 2017

LEADING OFF

My friend Kenny visited the Stop and Shop on Pine Street and noticed they sell various forms of water. “They sell frozen water, cold water and even room temperature water. Why don’t they sell boiling water? I don’t get it.”

Me either.

THEY SAID IT

Forestville resident Toby Jacks recently observed, “The Blues lost all four games during a four game losing streak.”

Well said.

DID YOU KNOW?

The 1980 Olympics were held in 1980?
When people die they are dead?
The Fourth of July happens every July 4th?
Sand is sandy?
The Forestville Fire Station is located in Forestville?

FINAL THOUGHT

This has nothing to do with Forestville, but CNBC reported Trump thinks maybe there should be another “F” in “NAFTA” for free AND fair trade. You know I was hoping the “F” would stand for something else.

Boardman Out


It is May Day in June

June 12, 2017

On a sun soaked and warm Saturday afternoon in the Mum City, the Republican Town Committee filled Muzzy Field to celebrate the mayor with speeches of praise and denunciations of Bristol Democrats.

The authoritarian mayor presided over the spectacle from a viewing stand high above the field, and clapped enthusiastically as the RTC marched in elaborate formations before him with colorful orange flags. They sang songs of loyalty, chanted and danced while wearing orange shirts, orange shorts, orange hats, orange boots and orange tube socks.

Following the parade, which included floats with his image, the Supreme Leader addressed the crowd and touted his administration’s accomplishments such as ending the drought and soundproofing his office.

The Supreme Leader then added, “I will do everything in my power to minimize any tax increase but if a tax increase is imposed, I will be certain to blame the Democrats and in particular my opponent in the November election because everything that is wrong in the world is her fault including the fact that my I-Pod does not work.”

Due to his penchant for bulling those that do not share his views, near the conclusion of the event, a shackled union worker was brought before him at the viewing stand and was promptly belittled and demeaned to the crowd’s delight.

The Forestville Fire Department had no comment about the matter.


May Day Protests Cause Mayday For Bristol

May 2, 2017

The violence that visited May Day protests overseas spread to Connecticut, but for different reasons.  Bristol’s own May Day centers not on worker rights but honoring flowers.  The Forestville Garden Club held its annual May Day March For Plants Monday, where as its president Synthia Marsh says, “We walk for those that can’t.”

However as in past years, the march turned violent.  Shouting “Rafflesia arnoldii are flowers too!”, “Justice for Euphorbia esula!” and “Hell, no – We won’t grow!”, protestors hurled seed packets and bulbs at riot police.  Two policemen were sent to the nurse at Chippens Hill Middle School with bits of pollen in their eyes.  Passersby were sent fleeing to the scene to take selfies.

Ms. Marsh issued an apology on behalf of the club, blaming the violence on a few members who drank too much cooking sherry.  Others claim the violence was incited by a particularly raucous episode of “The Victory Garden.”  The Forestville Fire Department is also investigating to determine if arson was the cause.


Mayor Against State Mandate for Firehouse Dalmatians

February 21, 2017

dalmatian-firetruck-02

Due to financial concerns the mayor testified last week at the Legislative Office Building against a state mandate that would provide workers compensation coverage for first responders suffering from PTSD.

Following his testimony, the mayor also came out against a state mandate for firehouse Dalmatians as well. “I am grateful for the services Dalmatians provide for our firehouses, but I don’t believe municipalities should be required to feed them. They can eat table scraps or beg. They are dogs so they knew the deal when they signed up.”

He also expressed concern for the costs associated with the animals. “Do you know how much a dog costs? Lots. Grooming, vet visits, doggy daycare. It is a system mired in fraud.”

The mayor is also worried that an unfunded mandate for Dalmatians will result in other mandates as well. “If we are forced to pay for the fire department’s dog then we’ll be required to pay for the Public Works wombat, the Tax Office badger and the Water Department’s pufferfish. In case you didn’t notice I do not like to spend money unless it is my idea.”

The Forestville Fire Department could not be reached for comment.