City Council Holds Executive Session, No One Injured

August 18, 2017

No one was injured Monday night following the Executive Session of the City Council, according to police. Firefighters, EMTs and police officials were on the scene along with search and rescue dogs and a few dozen spectators.

The councilors adjourned to Executive Session shortly after 6PM; navigated their way to the Executive Chambers, and quietly closed the door behind them all without incident.

During the special meeting they voted to meet with an attorney and have yet another Executive Session at a date still to be determined. After the vote they ordered a no-frills cheese pizza and fried mozzarella from Bristol Pizza.

Several members of the public left that night with bruised egos, but they did not seek nor did they need medical attention, authorities said.

The police department stated the matter is under investigation and they had no other comment.

Not to be out done by their rivals, fire officials issued a statement on colorful fiber cotton business paper stating their headquarters is on North Main Street, and that their firetrucks are still red.


July 4, 2017


My friend Kenny visited the Stop and Shop on Pine Street and noticed they sell various forms of water. “They sell frozen water, cold water and even room temperature water. Why don’t they sell boiling water? I don’t get it.”

Me either.


Forestville resident Toby Jacks recently observed, “The Blues lost all four games during a four game losing streak.”

Well said.


The 1980 Olympics were held in 1980?
When people die they are dead?
The Fourth of July happens every July 4th?
Sand is sandy?
The Forestville Fire Station is located in Forestville?


This has nothing to do with Forestville, but CNBC reported Trump thinks maybe there should be another “F” in “NAFTA” for free AND fair trade. You know I was hoping the “F” would stand for something else.

Boardman Out

It is May Day in June

June 12, 2017

On a sun soaked and warm Saturday afternoon in the Mum City, the Republican Town Committee filled Muzzy Field to celebrate the mayor with speeches of praise and denunciations of Bristol Democrats.

The authoritarian mayor presided over the spectacle from a viewing stand high above the field, and clapped enthusiastically as the RTC marched in elaborate formations before him with colorful orange flags. They sang songs of loyalty, chanted and danced while wearing orange shirts, orange shorts, orange hats, orange boots and orange tube socks.

Following the parade, which included floats with his image, the Supreme Leader addressed the crowd and touted his administration’s accomplishments such as ending the drought and soundproofing his office.

The Supreme Leader then added, “I will do everything in my power to minimize any tax increase but if a tax increase is imposed, I will be certain to blame the Democrats and in particular my opponent in the November election because everything that is wrong in the world is her fault including the fact that my I-Pod does not work.”

Due to his penchant for bulling those that do not share his views, near the conclusion of the event, a shackled union worker was brought before him at the viewing stand and was promptly belittled and demeaned to the crowd’s delight.

The Forestville Fire Department had no comment about the matter.

May Day Protests Cause Mayday For Bristol

May 2, 2017

The violence that visited May Day protests overseas spread to Connecticut, but for different reasons.  Bristol’s own May Day centers not on worker rights but honoring flowers.  The Forestville Garden Club held its annual May Day March For Plants Monday, where as its president Synthia Marsh says, “We walk for those that can’t.”

However as in past years, the march turned violent.  Shouting “Rafflesia arnoldii are flowers too!”, “Justice for Euphorbia esula!” and “Hell, no – We won’t grow!”, protestors hurled seed packets and bulbs at riot police.  Two policemen were sent to the nurse at Chippens Hill Middle School with bits of pollen in their eyes.  Passersby were sent fleeing to the scene to take selfies.

Ms. Marsh issued an apology on behalf of the club, blaming the violence on a few members who drank too much cooking sherry.  Others claim the violence was incited by a particularly raucous episode of “The Victory Garden.”  The Forestville Fire Department is also investigating to determine if arson was the cause.

Mayor Against State Mandate for Firehouse Dalmatians

February 21, 2017


Due to financial concerns the mayor testified last week at the Legislative Office Building against a state mandate that would provide workers compensation coverage for first responders suffering from PTSD.

Following his testimony, the mayor also came out against a state mandate for firehouse Dalmatians as well. “I am grateful for the services Dalmatians provide for our firehouses, but I don’t believe municipalities should be required to feed them. They can eat table scraps or beg. They are dogs so they knew the deal when they signed up.”

He also expressed concern for the costs associated with the animals. “Do you know how much a dog costs? Lots. Grooming, vet visits, doggy daycare. It is a system mired in fraud.”

The mayor is also worried that an unfunded mandate for Dalmatians will result in other mandates as well. “If we are forced to pay for the fire department’s dog then we’ll be required to pay for the Public Works wombat, the Tax Office badger and the Water Department’s pufferfish. In case you didn’t notice I do not like to spend money unless it is my idea.”

The Forestville Fire Department could not be reached for comment.

Newly Appointed National Security Adviser H.R. McMaster in Trouble Already

February 20, 2017


President Trump named a new National Security Adviser to replace Michael Flynn.

As reported last week by Boardman, Flynn was fired after misleading Vice President Pence about a phone conversation with a Russian diplomat and for not hanging up his coat in the White House cloak room, just leaving it on a chair, table or wherever was convenient, leading to water marks on the furniture and upholstery.

While the new National Security Adviser H.R. McMaster may have better habits with his coat, he still may not be around for long. The Lt. General wrote a book critical of LBJ and the Vietnam War. In response, rumor has it that LBJ has secretly ordered a hit on McMaster from the grave again using Lee Harvey Oswald, warns Alex Jones of Info Wars.

The Forestville Fire Department could not be reached for comment.