Patriots Lose Super Bowl, Causing Stock Market to Crash

February 6, 2018

The U.S. Stock Market took a downward plunge Monday following the New England Patriots dramatic 41-33 loss to the Philadelphia Eagles Sunday night. The market dropped almost 1,600 points marking it the largest decline since 2011. Sizeable losses by lunch caused investors to panic.

To ease investor concerns, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell in a stunning announcement said he will make the Eagles and Patriots co-champions. Consequently, to celebrate the Patriots fifth and a half Super Bowl win, the City of Boston will have a combined victory parade with the Eagles Thursday. Boston Mayor Marty Walsh proclaimed, “It will be a day of duck boats and Philly cheesesteaks!”

Following this unprecedented move, the market saw a small rally late in the afternoon.

However, several pension funds seeing the value of their 401Ks plummet said they will sue the Eagles and the City of Philadelphia due to the losses they incurred.

The Forestville Fire Department declined to comment.


Trump Now says Pink Floyd Will Pay for the Wall

January 22, 2018

Beginning in 2015 and ever since, Trump has stated over and over that Mexico would pay for the wall he wants to build along the southern border of the United States. However, in yet another stunning reversal, Trump has abandoned the idea of making Mexico pay for the construction costs and instead, he now wants the English rock band Pink Floyd to pay for the wall.

Speaking at a fundraiser Thursday night Trump pledged to the crowd, “I will build a tremendous wall. It will be a great, great wall and I will make Pink Floyd pay for that wall. They don’t know it yet but they will pay for it. Believe me.”

Pink Floyd released their 11th studio album entitled The Wall in 1979, and to date it has sold 17 million copies worldwide.

White House officials say Trump listened to The Wall, and after speaking with advisors and having the concept album explained to him several times he wants The Floyd to pay for his proposed wall. “Drugs have been pouring into this country for a long time, and they (Pink Floyd) consumed a lot of those drugs so they should pay for the wall with their royalties,” Trump pledged Thursday from a gold lectern created in his image.

No word if Roger Waters, David Gilmour et al were notified of Trump’s recent policy change.

Meanwhile Mike Pence continues to nod adoringly at Trump, and Rachel Maddow continues to laugh at almost everything she says during her broadcast.

The Forestville Fire Department had no comment about this story.

Key(s) to the City Missing

January 2, 2018

The ceremonial key to the city, which is bestowed upon deserving citizens that have a positive impact on Bristol or Forestville, is missing the mayor’s office said early Tuesday morning.

Following the transfer of power from the previous administration, the key subsequently vanished. Councilwoman Mary Fortier told Boardman in an exclusive, “Ellen (Zoppo-Sassu) handed it me and I handed it to Dave (Preleski) and he handed it to a guy who handed it to a guy and so on and so forth. Now it is missing. What the (deleted expletive)!”

Mayor Ellen Zoppo-Sassu noted she would personally conduct an audit of city property, and do an inventory too if the key does not turn up. However, as she told Boardman while navigating her way through a Dunkin Donuts Coconut Crème Pie flavored iced coffee, which offers a creamy combo of vanilla, coconut and sweet pie crust flavors. At least that’s what she said it says on their website anyway. “I have been connecting the dots on this missing key, and have connected them to one of the new city council members. Could be Greg Hahn maybe Josh Medeiros but my money is on Peter Kelley. I have no evidence nor do I have proof. Call it a hunch,” the mayor told Boardman.

The Southington Board of Education was contacted by Boardman about this matter, and they declined to comment. Wimps.

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National Adverb Expo Coming to Forestville

December 30, 2017

Adverb enthusiasts will be positively delighted to know that the National Adverb Expo is coming to Forestville the last week of January in 2018. Forestville has been chosen to host the National Adverb Expo over Wolcott, Plainville and New Britain.

The expo features America’s leading authority on adverbs, Charles Phillip Quickly. He will deliver the keynote lecture entitled, “Living in Hell: A World Without Adverbs.” Mr. Quickly will also discuss the state of the adverb industry and showcase new adverbs he’s been working on, such as “whilethoughstill”, meaning “nevertheless although at the same time” and “cameloexplosively”, a word he hasn’t made up a definition for yet.

Local grammarian Anna McCauley-Ridgeway will chair a panel on “How Adverbs Helped Rescuers During the Catastrophic Flood of ’55”. “One adverb in particular can be singled out as especially heroic,” she says. “When rescuers heard the flood was ‘really’ bad, they knew to come right away.”

Ms. McCauley-Ridgway points out how adverbs were used in many historic documents and speeches, such as the Declaration of Independence, the Gettysburg Address and Kim Kardashian’s 2017 interview for Interview Magazine — the part where she talks about her love for Donald J. Trump.

As a guardian of language, Ms. McCauley-Ridgeway worries that grammar is under attack and one day adverbs may no longer exist. So, she encourages attendees to bring their treasured correspondence so that adverbs in their letters and e-mails can be identified and preserved for future generations.

The expo is currently slated to be held at the amazingly big banquet hall strategically, luckily and gratuitously located downtown by the lovely sign for Nuchie’s, near the place with really, really, really good pizza.

The Forestville Fire Department declined to comment about this matter.

New Employees Receive Tour of City Hall

November 12, 2017

Prior to their swearing-in ceremonies Monday night, Mayor-elect Ellen Zoppo-Sassu and soon to be city councilors Greg Hahn, Josh Medeiros and Peter Kelley with an e, were welcomed to City Hall early Friday.

City Councilwoman Mary Fortier provided a tour of 111 N. Main Street and pointed out little things such as such how a door sticks on the third floor, and the toilet handles in the bathrooms need to be jiggled upon flushing.

Late she brought them to the entrance to the Chamber of Seclusion, but they were not allowed to enter. The chamber, located beneath City Hill, is cloaked in mystery because only the mayor and city councilors are allowed access. Rumors abound that is a small and intimate chamber with touches of gold, marble and mahogany with a vending machine, and an air hockey table for entertainment.

“The Chamber of Seclusion is a sacred place for elected officials,” remarked Greg Hahn speaking for the group. “It is the room to which the most difficult decisions are made, and we respect that we cannot enter until we are sworn in. Not only that, but they didn’t give us keys yet.” The council trio will not receive their keys until the outgoing councilors have returned theirs.

Mrs. Fortier also debriefed them regarding the Cone of Decision and the Great Orb of Influence. The future city councilors declined to comment about either.

The Forestville Fire Department could not be reached for comment regarding this story.


September 28, 2017

“Hoooooly Shit! The City of Bristol has gone collectively insane!” exclaimed Dr. Edward Stouten, a psychologist at Tunxis Community College following the revelations in Bristol’s latest political soap opera.

For the last few weeks there have random apologies, accusations, counter accusations, screen shots, finger pointing, Facebook fights and threats all in the name of politics.

In an exclusive interview, Dr. Stouten told Boardman while twirling his right index finger near his head, “This town is cuckoo.”

Dr. Stouten, in a report to The American Psychiatric Association, recommended that the entire City of Bristol be sent to a state mental facility that is fenced with guarded grounds for evaluation, treatment and therapy. “Clinically speaking there are no drugs or medications on God’s green earth that can help some of the politicos or residents. I’m not mentioning names…Amanda Yapes.”

In attempt to capitalize on all the chaos, next month the local public access channel Nutmeg TV will air its new day time drama As Bristol Fades.

Gunner Fenbeck and Brad Blazer, the producers of How to Make Toast and Legislators in Love, promise plenty of plot twists, tawdry secrets and kooky plotlines ripped straight from the hallowed halls of Bristol City Hall in the hour-long drama.

In the first episode, the self-described “man of the people candidate”, Andrew Howe suffering from Stockholm Syndrome is written out of the show as he follows the mayor off a political cliff.

In a weird side plot, the Cicero of the council chambers Calvin Brown blurts out a secret that’s not a secret but is a secret to those that don’t know that it’s a secret. DUN DUN DUUUUN!!!

And finally, a deceased mayor comes back from the dead to haunt the town and run as a third-party candidate in his present reanimated condition. Boo!

As Bristol Fades will air at noon Monday through Friday on Nutmeg TV following a morning of dead air.

The Forestville Fired Department declined to comment about this matter.

City Council Holds Executive Session, No One Injured

August 18, 2017

No one was injured Monday night following the Executive Session of the City Council, according to police. Firefighters, EMTs and police officials were on the scene along with search and rescue dogs and a few dozen spectators.

The councilors adjourned to Executive Session shortly after 6PM; navigated their way to the Executive Chambers, and quietly closed the door behind them all without incident.

During the special meeting they voted to meet with an attorney and have yet another Executive Session at a date still to be determined. After the vote they ordered a no-frills cheese pizza and fried mozzarella from Bristol Pizza.

Several members of the public left that night with bruised egos, but they did not seek nor did they need medical attention, authorities said.

The police department stated the matter is under investigation and they had no other comment.

Not to be out done by their rivals, fire officials issued a statement on colorful fiber cotton business paper stating their headquarters is on North Main Street, and that their firetrucks are still red.