Local Man Sharpens Pencil, No One Injured

February 22, 2018

Only days after Micky Dolenz and Michael Nesmith announced their first duo tour and only two days after Smashing Pumpkins say they are going back on the road this summer, Forestville resident and local humorist, John Eggers, sharpened his Eberhard Faber Number 2 pencil and was not harmed, according to authorities.

Eyewitnesses told Boardman that at approximately 5:30 PM Thursday, Mr. Eggers broke his famed number 2 pencil while writing a series of insults and one-liners about local politicians. The vintage pencil, used to write many of his witty “gags”, was brought back to a quick point without incident and Eggers resumed writing. The crisis lasted almost a full minute.

A spokesperson for the Forestville Police Department said the pencil broke because it was previously over sharpened, a charge Mr. Eggers denied.

The FPD are warning residents to not over sharpen their pencils especially during the season of Lent. However, they did concede as Mr. Eggers maintained that pencils do become brittle over time.


Local Women Caught in Point Shaving Scheme at Weight Watchers

December 22, 2017

Forestville Police said Dee Dee Mellon and two others were facing expulsion from Weight Watchers following a point shaving scheme. They were to be removed from the program for their roles in a scheme at the weight loss company, but they decided to resign instead.

“It’s a long story,” Dee Dee said, outside Cumberland Farms on Pine Street. “I had issues, I was hungry, had the munchies and made poor decisions.”

Weight Watchers is a program designed to assist in weight loss based on a point system where foods and drinks are assigned a points value.

Myers and her co-conspirators were manipulating the points so they could continue to eat more sugar and unhealthy fats, while underreporting their point value.

“I’m kind of sorry that it happened,” said Mellon while gnawing on a pack of Twizzlers. “However, I am going to try Nutrisystem after all this. They are not as rigid and there is no evidence that it helps with long-term weight loss, which is prefect for me because apparently I am not serious about any of this.”

Police Take Sketch Artist Pierre Chantel Off The Case And The Easel

September 9, 2017

“Sketch of Robbery Suspect No. 4”,  Pierre Chantel, pencil on paper (2017).  Upon arrest, police were surprised to discover that contrary to Chantel’s drawing, the suspect was a woman with fingers not toes on her hands.

After a year of doing composite drawings for the Forestville Police Department, Sketch Artist Pierre Chantel was asked to resign Thursday.
Chantel was known for sketching suspects from witness descriptions in the style of early 20th-Century Cubism.  His disdain for the Realist movement of contemporary forensic and police sketch artists made him a persistent target of criticism.  In one case, detectives complained that his sketch of the head of a car theft ring made them spend weeks looking for a man with three fingers and one-and-a-half eyes.

The FPD was further put off by Chantel’s need to sign and hand number his work.  His habit of framing each sketch also made them difficult for police to carry about.

However, the art world was impressed.  His “Sketch of the Dale’s Package Store Shoplifter” may not have netted an arrest but it did get $500 at Sotheby’s, as well as solicitations by other suspects for drawings of themselves.

Chantel was lauded by Roberta Smith, art critic for the New York Times and lecturer on contemporary art and to the unruly kids in her neighborhood.  She lamented the “short-sightedness” of the FPD in firing someone who “so well captures the beauty of those society callously labels ‘criminals.'”  She asked, “Since when did police departments become all about enforcing the law?”

Rockwell Park constable Pat O’Reilly rocked on his heels and said, “The constabulary never took a fancy to his work.  His doodles only made sense after a night on the lash sharing a few pints with the lads from Terryville.  Them was the days… But Chantel did help us in finding a cello that was cut in fourths and glued back together at odd angles.”
Chantel will be replaced by Crissy Foster.  An FPD spokesman beamed about the new police sketch artist.  “She’s still in kindergarten, but her drawings have received high marks from her teacher and even a gold star. And thanks to work she just did for us, we are hot in pursuit of a thief with a purple balloon for a head, eyes that are dots, and stick arms and legs.”

Mr. Chantel was not available for comment, commenting, “I, Pierre Chantel, do not talk to mere reporters.”

Forestville Police Make Arrest for Grammar Faux Pas

June 1, 2017

Forestville Police arrested Morgan Fogarty, on charges related to abusing the English language on social media. Ms. Fogarty, 40, a resident of Forestville, was arrested late yesterday afternoon.

She was charged with 18 counts of run on sentences and 13 counts of improper word usage. Fogarty was apprehended shortly after posting a long and tedious message on Facebook that one friend described as, “going on forever.”

Officers recognized Fogarty from her rudimentary mistakes, which included the wrong usage of excepted for accepted, there for their, and connecting clause after clause after clause with no punctuation.

Fogarty called her recent elongated posts, “merely a stream of consciousness” but police are not convinced. A spokesperson for the department said she has a history of mishandling the language with dangling modifiers, possessive nouns and abusing contractions. “I cant [sic] help it,” Fogarty wrote in her sworn statement following her arrest.

Google Wrecks Bristol

May 7, 2017

A test of Google’s Waymo autonomously driven vehicles in Bristol resulted in the cars crashing into each other around 2:30 pm yesterday afternoon. Police were immediately dispatched to the scene to make fun of the wreck.

According to police, one self-driving car broadsided the other after being distracted by a curvy inflatable air dancer by an auto dealership.

The slow-moving crash sent one onboard computer to the hospital. The other was released after completing a concussion protocol. However, they both face charges of texting while driving, e-mailing while driving and generally being a computer while driving.

One Google spokesman at their San Francisco-area headquarters would not comment specifically on the incident, but did remark how he loves quinoa breakfast tacos.

Another, more helpful spokesman said, “We learn from each accident. Last year when a Waymo went up onto a train trestle and spontaneously exploded, we realized cars should not drive on railroad tracks. When one exploded after parking in front of a fire hydrant, we determined that cars should not park illegally. Another time, a bear stopped our vehicle without it exploding and dragged it into a cave for the winter. Bears are pretty mean.”

Mrs. Kaylee Henderson, 73, has her own complaint. She left Cornerstone Church after a particularly exciting sermon on Biblical laundry when she got stuck behind a Waymo traveling at about five miles an hour. “No car should go that slow in a thirty-mile-an-hour zone,” she said. “It should travel as fast as I do – seven, ten miles an hour.”

Google expects there to be no more incidents with their self-driving cars. These tests will lead up to their next experiment – self-walking dogs.

May Day Protests Cause Mayday For Bristol

May 2, 2017

The violence that visited May Day protests overseas spread to Connecticut, but for different reasons.  Bristol’s own May Day centers not on worker rights but honoring flowers.  The Forestville Garden Club held its annual May Day March For Plants Monday, where as its president Synthia Marsh says, “We walk for those that can’t.”

However as in past years, the march turned violent.  Shouting “Rafflesia arnoldii are flowers too!”, “Justice for Euphorbia esula!” and “Hell, no – We won’t grow!”, protestors hurled seed packets and bulbs at riot police.  Two policemen were sent to the nurse at Chippens Hill Middle School with bits of pollen in their eyes.  Passersby were sent fleeing to the scene to take selfies.

Ms. Marsh issued an apology on behalf of the club, blaming the violence on a few members who drank too much cooking sherry.  Others claim the violence was incited by a particularly raucous episode of “The Victory Garden.”  The Forestville Fire Department is also investigating to determine if arson was the cause.

Motorist Turns Right on Red No Injuries Reported

April 2, 2017

No injuries were reported Sunday afternoon when a car turned right on red in Forestville near the vicinity of Pine Street.

Eyewitnesses identified the driver as Melanie Merkell, a middle-aged woman who lives alone with two cats and a nondescript fern, and is currently being treated for arthritis. Ms. Merkell stopped her late-model Acura at a red light at approximately 2:33 PM., and after seeing no approaching traffic made a right hand turn with minimal risk. She arrived home shortly after navigating her way through a series of driving maneuvers.

Ms. Merkel declined to comment about her commute, her cats or her fern.

The Forestville Fire Department could not be reached for comment.