Google Wrecks Bristol

May 7, 2017

A test of Google’s Waymo autonomously driven vehicles in Bristol resulted in the cars crashing into each other around 2:30 pm yesterday afternoon. Police were immediately dispatched to the scene to make fun of the wreck.

According to police, one self-driving car broadsided the other after being distracted by a curvy inflatable air dancer by an auto dealership.

The slow-moving crash sent one onboard computer to the hospital. The other was released after completing a concussion protocol. However, they both face charges of texting while driving, e-mailing while driving and generally being a computer while driving.

One Google spokesman at their San Francisco-area headquarters would not comment specifically on the incident, but did remark how he loves quinoa breakfast tacos.

Another, more helpful spokesman said, “We learn from each accident. Last year when a Waymo went up onto a train trestle and spontaneously exploded, we realized cars should not drive on railroad tracks. When one exploded after parking in front of a fire hydrant, we determined that cars should not park illegally. Another time, a bear stopped our vehicle without it exploding and dragged it into a cave for the winter. Bears are pretty mean.”

Mrs. Kaylee Henderson, 73, has her own complaint. She left Cornerstone Church after a particularly exciting sermon on Biblical laundry when she got stuck behind a Waymo traveling at about five miles an hour. “No car should go that slow in a thirty-mile-an-hour zone,” she said. “It should travel as fast as I do – seven, ten miles an hour.”

Google expects there to be no more incidents with their self-driving cars. These tests will lead up to their next experiment – self-walking dogs.


May Day Protests Cause Mayday For Bristol

May 2, 2017

The violence that visited May Day protests overseas spread to Connecticut, but for different reasons.  Bristol’s own May Day centers not on worker rights but honoring flowers.  The Forestville Garden Club held its annual May Day March For Plants Monday, where as its president Synthia Marsh says, “We walk for those that can’t.”

However as in past years, the march turned violent.  Shouting “Rafflesia arnoldii are flowers too!”, “Justice for Euphorbia esula!” and “Hell, no – We won’t grow!”, protestors hurled seed packets and bulbs at riot police.  Two policemen were sent to the nurse at Chippens Hill Middle School with bits of pollen in their eyes.  Passersby were sent fleeing to the scene to take selfies.

Ms. Marsh issued an apology on behalf of the club, blaming the violence on a few members who drank too much cooking sherry.  Others claim the violence was incited by a particularly raucous episode of “The Victory Garden.”  The Forestville Fire Department is also investigating to determine if arson was the cause.


Motorist Turns Right on Red No Injuries Reported

April 2, 2017

No injuries were reported Sunday afternoon when a car turned right on red in Forestville near the vicinity of Pine Street.

Eyewitnesses identified the driver as Melanie Merkell, a middle-aged woman who lives alone with two cats and a nondescript fern, and is currently being treated for arthritis. Ms. Merkell stopped her late-model Acura at a red light at approximately 2:33 PM., and after seeing no approaching traffic made a right hand turn with minimal risk. She arrived home shortly after navigating her way through a series of driving maneuvers.

Ms. Merkel declined to comment about her commute, her cats or her fern.

The Forestville Fire Department could not be reached for comment.


Forestville Police to Have Legal Disclaimer for Body Camera Footage

January 2, 2017

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Images obtained by Forestville Police Offices from their body cameras will include a legal disclaimer when the footage is viewed by the public, similar to American film studios and TV series. The FBI disclaimer is designed to protect against copyright infringement, and will distance the FPD from promoting tobacco and alcohol products, and assure audiences that no animals were willing harmed.

The disclaimer will go on to advise that any exhibition, distribution, or copying of the tape or any part thereof (including soundtrack) without the expressed written consent of Major League Baseball may result in civil liability and criminal prosecution.

Closing credits will be added and scrolled at the end of the footage and include copyright information and cast information in order of appearance. Due to time constraints some production credits will be a rapid-fire crawl insuring they will not be read.


Heartbreaking Details Emerge About Frantic Writing Spree

August 30, 2016

BOARDMAN EXCLUSIVE

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A month after local writer John Eggers barricaded himself inside his home and wrote snappy one-liners and insults against business establishments and government officials, the Forestville Police Department has concluded their report.

After interviewing eyewitnesses and examining the evidence found at the scene, the FPD probe determined the writing spree began in the predawn hours following a morning cup of coffee, and a fit of inspiration.

No one was impervious to the wrath of his witty repartee. Mr. Eggers took on local politicians, news organizations, his boss, the police and finally himself. Everything was ripe for ripping.

Eggers was held up in the corner of his home office because the police department cut the power denying him computer access. Working by the hue of a dimly lit cigarette, he then journaled his material with a felt tipped quill pen during the standoff with police.

The standoff ended peacefully when he ran out of food, coffee and ink. When police officials entered the home they found the writer barely awake and slumped in the corner meekly writing on the wall with his finger nails. The report describes Mr. Eggers’s writer’s garret as, “In a state of squalor; littered with newspapers, magazines, scripts, wine bottles and Nexium capsules.”

The police report said that although Mr. Eggers was “extremely careless” with his humor, they concluded that “no criminal charges are appropriate.”

According to sources, the jokesmith gave private assurances to law enforcement that he would cease hurling insults about cops and donuts, and Yo Momma jokes aimed directly at the District Attorney’s mother.

Mr. Eggers declined to speak about the matter.


DB Cooper Spotted in Forestville

July 29, 2016
D.B. Cooper

D.B. Cooper

D.B. Cooper skyjacked a Boeing 727 airplane in 1971 for $200,000 in ransom and parachuted out of the aircraft somewhere over Washington State. He has never been found. The FBI just suspended its investigation into the skyjacker two weeks ago. Since then D.B. Cooper sightings have been reported all over Forestville.

Cooper was spotted by Newton Corley at Legends Sports Bar And Grill on Pine Street in a celebrative mood drinking a bourbon and soda Monday evening.

Muhammad Terez said he saw Cooper in the picnic area at a Blues game Tuesday eating a hot dog, downing beers and flashing a lot of money.

And Emma Glockenspiel identified the fugitive in line at City Hall wearing a dark suit, black tie and sunglasses registering to vote Thursday morning.

“It has been long been rumored that a D.B. Cooper lived in Forestville but we all thought he kept a low profile because he was shy. Who knew that it was because the FBI was after him?” remarked local busy body Fred Hemple.


Forestville Preparing for Wednesday

July 4, 2016

Wednesday 01

This Wednesday July 6th is just another day and the Village of Forestville will be ready.

The mayor’s office issued a press release reminding residents of Forestville that Wednesday is expected to begin on time when Tuesday ends at midnight, Eastern Daylight Time.

Emergency services such as fire, police and EMT/paramedics, are going to be fully staffed and well supplied according to the release.

In anticipation of Wednesday, which at this time is only two earth days away, Department of Public Works vehicles including sanitation trucks were oiled, lubricated and the tires properly inflated, as recommended by the manufacturers.

Falling in the middle of the week Wednesday does not receive the attention or notoriety like Friday and Saturday so it is often overlooked. Therefore, officials want the public to know they take Wednesday seriously so they encourage everyone to support Wednesday by consuming goods and engaging in commerce.

Wednesday July 6th is scheduled to promptly end at solar midnight, the dividing point of a day ending and a new day beginning. At that precise moment Thursday will begin in Forestville.

Boardman