Financial Difficulties Hit Connecticut – Ten Injured

July 3, 2017

Hartford faces an inextricable financial crisis. City leaders met in May to discuss the possibility of filing for bankruptcy or running money-raising schemes like making the fire department available for bachelorette parties or listing the Mark Twain and Harriet Beecher Stowe Houses on Airbnb. However, a group of citizens have stepped forward to offer a real solution.

The group is a gang in the North End spun off from The Bloods, that call themselves “The Sera.” Gang leader Jimmie “Deadeye” Brown said they pledge to launch a three-state crime spree, robbing 7-Eleven’s and Cumberland Farms to raise cash money for Hartford.

“This is our town we talking about,” said Deadeye. “I hate seeing city services decline outside of the police department. How can I do drive-bys if my caddy is hitting potholes every half block?”

Connecticut itself is also entrenched in a monetary crisis, largely driven by an out-of-control state pension system. But the idea of pension reform was quickly scrapped after a few hundred pensioners stormed the General Assembly wielding canes and swinging catheter bags.

Juan Carlos Guzman has his own plan to ease the crisis. “A lot of states legalized marijuana to raise money. So there’s too much competition,” he said. “So if the governor legalize something other than marijuana like for discussion topic, crack, you solve budget deficit like that, huh? I’m not saying I sell drugs, but for conversation I’m not having, say the governor makes me sole vendor for the state and I cut the state in for say, twice what the Indians do with their little casinos down south…”

He pointed to court documents which show how lucrative this deal could be. In the third and fourth quarters of 2016, his organization that for conversation he does not run, reported record profits. This includes a 18.6% year-over-year increase from sales of “Chunga Munga”, a designer drug distilled from used socks stolen from senior living centers.

Long-time friend of Governor Malloy, Don Fusilli Cannelloni wants talk of a debt crisis to end. Speaking from a Barcalounger resting on the back of a mafia informant, Mr. Cannelloni said he offered to loan the state enough money to satisfy creditors. Asked whether he worried the state would repay his loan, he replied, “The governor Dannel, Dannie Dan Dan I call him; I trust. Dan Dan agreed he pay me back in six months or he has a talk with Sal about which kneecap he wants broken first.”

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To cut spending, Governor Malloy has announced that the traditional large fireworks display for the Fourth of July holiday will be replaced by two kids with some bottle rockets.

Concertgoers Meet Disappointment

June 5, 2017

– Queen of England Bestows Knighthood To Popular Septic Tank Worker Using Extra Long Sword

– Governor Malloy Pledges To Make Filling Out State Income Tax Forms Fun Again

– Experts Worry Robots Will Lose Their Jobs To Migrant Furbies

A Southington couple met disappointment when they arrived at Center Park in Manchester Sunday.

“We heard Arianna Grande was playing a benefit in Manchester, but she isn’t here,” said Mike Lumpwell.

His wife hit him in the arm. “I told you it was Manchester, New Hampshire, not Connecticut.”

They next plan to visit New London to see the changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace.

Stories continued on back

State Budget Hilights

February 27, 2017


Governor Malloy’s proposed budget has the capital abuzz. It fulfills his pledge to not raise taxes by having cities and towns raise them instead. Labor unions are called on to make concessions. There is further talk that legislators’ salaries may increase more slowly. To make up the difference, legislators would be allowed to keep tip jars in their offices.

The plan also raises government fees. For example, people who enjoy drinking liquids will be penalized for their guilty pleasure with a doubling in bottle deposits. Cremation certificate fees would rise from $150 to $200. Dead people caught cremating without paying the fee will be reconstituted into corporeal form at their expense.

Many proposals are popular, such as levying property taxes on hospitals. “This is a way for the State to tell people in ICU to stop thinking they’re better than everyone just because they have a life-threatening condition,” said an unnamed Malloy supporter, Donna Davis.

A tripling in fees for pistol permits has the backing of Home Invasion advocates like MS-13. The removal of the state’s minimum price law for alcohol is popular with street bums and is projected to help Democrat consumers come to terms with last year’s election.

At the same time, Malloy wants to keep intact his 30-year, $100 billion transportation initiative to improve mobility.

“Our administration wants to ease traffic congestion,” said the governor’s spokesman in Hindi. “The best way to do that is through tolls and increased gas taxes to reduce the number of people who can afford cars. We also eliminate interstate rest areas to encourage people with weak bladders to either travel faster to their destination or just stay off the highway. Of course, thanks to the governor’s tireless efforts, many people are moving out of the State, so most congestion problems will solve themselves.” According to Google Translate, the spokesman went on to extol curry and mango chutney.

Malloy’s budget also raises the cigarette tax from $3.90 a pack to four million billion dollars. His budget planners say the tax will solve the budget crisis and allow them to finally build the Dannel P. Malloy Spaceport and Tribute Center along with five fifty-foot-tall giant robots to guard it.

Stories from around the state:
– Dyslexic Fan Upset By UConn Women Basketball’s 0-29 Start

– Bridgeport Mayor Celebrates Two Years Of Not Taking Bribes

– Mohegan Sun: Tribes Choose East Windsor for New Connecticut Casino. Was the Fix in Against Forestville Once Again?

Malloy’s Austerity Plan for the XL Center

February 23, 2017


With the state under enormous fiscal pressure, Governor Malloy introduced an austerity plan patterned after the successful Greek one that led Greece to face bankruptcy only a second time. 

In an effort to reduce spending, Malloy would eliminate property and income tax credits for the poor and middle class, reduce aid to cities and spend $250 million for the installation of a gold-encrusted governor’s box in the XL Center.  He claims the box will pay for itself over the next hundred years.  If not, he will set fire to the arena for the insurance money.

The XL Center redesign is part of an overall upgrade designed to lure the New York Islanders hockey franchise to Hartford.  He assured diehard Islanders fans that should the team move, there would be no changes to the team at all, except that the jerseys would be green and white and they would be called the “Hartford Whalers.”  Also, all New Yorkers would be banned.

The city’s minor league hockey team, the Hartford Wolfpack, would be pushed out of the XL Center to the Bolton Ice Palace where they would play their games after Learn To Skate class on Mondays.  Malloy claims the Palace will give the Wolfpack a great deal on skate rentals.

Malloy’s bid for a pro sports team to move here follows his successful relocation of the New Britain Rock Cats baseball team to Hartford under the catchy new name, the grazing “Yard Goats.”  Unlike that deal, Malloy has promised the Islanders they would indeed have a place to host their games.  Also, the team would get free Kevlar vests and bulletproof cars for travel into and out of Hartford.

“The team is considering the deal,” said a spokesman for the Islanders, shortly before he was checked into a set of chairs by a New York Rangers player.

Bristol Hospital Going Out Of Business Sale?

February 14, 2017


If Governor Malloy’s proposal to levy a property tax on nonprofit hospitals goes through, Bristol Hospital could go out of business, said Bristol Hospital president and CEO Kurt Barwis Saturday.

Given the dire prognosis, the 96-year-old hospital will be forced to sell all of its assets to the bare walls. Said Barwis, “The prices are so low I will be practically giving everything away!”

In a commercial spot to air upon bankruptcy, Barwis guarantees that “unlike blood clots, nothing will be held back!”

“Creditors have given Bristol Hospital three months to live, so we’re having a going-out-of-business sale. Faster than an enema on constipation, everything must go!

“We took a bone saw to prices on all equipment and supplies. Surgical Care, Diagnostic Imaging, Intensive Care – we’re pulling the plug on all departments! No reasonable offer will be refused. Unreasonable offers won’t be either.

“Check out our beds. They go up and down!

“All gurneys priced to move!

“Buy four gently used speculums, get a bedpan free!

“Bartenders, mix your next drink with our blood transfusion machines!

“Parents, imagine the fun your kids will have when they ride in and out of their very own MRI machine. Whoops! Watch those metal braces.

“And what says, ‘I love you’ more than getting your special someone birthing stirrups from the Bristol Hospital.

“And guys, don’t forget the sale on all items in our popular Pharmacy.

“Bristol Hospital will not be undersold. We beat competitors’ prices to a concussive subdural hematoma. Like death, all sales must be final. So come on down to 41 Brewster Road for the Grand Opening of our Grand Closing! Bristol Hospital – Our prices are clinically insaaaaaane!”

Governor Making Changes to Christmas

December 24, 2016


Responding to charges of insensitivity at this time of year, Governor Malloy okayed a new regulation mandating all stores, malls and churches to post “trigger warnings” for people who do not wish to be exposed to Christmas-related celebrations and sale-a-brations.

Christmas songs will be banned from public airwaves. They will be replaced by neutral holiday music, such as “The Little Drummer Person” and “Have Yourself a Satisfactory Differently-Sized Holiday” by Crystal and the Mother Gaia Orchestra.

The new regulation also prohibits employees and visitors to state office buildings from wearing Christmas sweaters with images of reindeer and elves. Underscoring the seriousness of the issue, the ringing of jingle bells or any other percussion instrument that sounds Christmassy on state owned property are banned too.

Safe spaces will also be available for noncelebrants to shelter in. The rooftops of these shelters have been designated as “no go” zones for Santa Claus.

Plans to Combat UConn Football Woes Unveiled

November 25, 2016


Given the abysmal state of the UConn Huskies football team, it is unsurprising that a recent poll finds most people in the state do not know UConn plays football. To combat this problem, Governor Malloy declared December, “UConn Football Awareness Month.” Citizens are encouraged to wear blue-and-white ribbons to raise awareness about the team and distribute brochures about the team that omit its win-loss records.

For his part, the Huskies’ coach, Bob Diaco, has another strategy — reviving his Civil Conflict or ConFLiCT trophy. He previously invented the award to create a rivalry with the football powerhouse University of Central Florida, but his plan failed due to lack of interest by UCF. So he has renamed it a third time, “the CONfliCT trophy” and it will be used for a new rivalry, this time with Southington High School and this time, with the school actually be told in advance there would be such a trophy.

Southington coach Mike Drury said, “Playing UConn will give our kids an exciting experience. And the games should be competitive, as long as we bench our starters.”

Governor Malloy hailed the insertion of a local school into the UConn schedule. “It should get more people to games and help us pay down the debt on Rentschler Field and bail out Hartford. My experts are telling me that renting Hartford out for dinner-dance parties to insurance companies just isn’t bringing in enough money.”

Whether the initiatives will pay off for the perennially struggling 3-8 Huskies, waits to be seen. But they are certainly better than Coach Diaco’s first idea, which was to sell during games branded hot dogs called, “Dog Meat.”