Tickets Available for the Governor Malloy Appreciation Dinner…Still

October 8, 2018

In celebration of Connecticut Governor Dannel P. Malloy, next month is the Governor Dannel P. Malloy Appreciation Dinner. According to promoters special discounted tickets are now available to the general public.

Forestville residents were surprised to discover there is a dinner for the unpopular governor. “They are really having one?”, asked noted non-essential resident Mitchell Luby. “I thought this was a joke.”

Underachiever Silas Minutia added, “I first heard of this just last week, and I couldn’t believe it. Who is Dannel Malloy?”

Tickets for the dinner have been on sale since August, but sales have been disappointing. Connecticut State Comptroller Kevin Lembo confided to Boardman, “Uh, we have not sold any tickets actually.”

The dinner was scheduled for the Hartford Convention Center, but was moved to Nuchie’s in Forestville to accommodate the anticipated sparse crowd.

Concerned, event promoters took drastic measures and cut the $200 ticket in half. That did not work so they then took 75 percent off, but that too failed. They then began the process of giving tickets away, but no one wanted them so the dinner committee decided to pay people to attend.

Mr. Lembo explained the ticket strategy to Boardman, “We are not going to cancel the dinner because we paid for the balloons and a card too. Someone will eventually agree to go because they need the money.”

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Shock Report: Chambers of Commerce To Hold Another Banquet

March 31, 2018

Saturday night, the Central Connecticut Chambers of Commerce will recognize Ms. Peggy Lynn Martin for her over twenty years of never volunteering her time or contributing anything meaningful to the community. She will be the fifth recipient of the Golden Shoulder Shrug, an award celebrating those who exhibit extreme indifference in the face of need or common courtesy. Last year’s winner was a greeter at Walmart who had given up on waving, smiling or showing the least bit of interest in incoming customers.

A spokesman for the Chambers said, “Over the years, Ms. Martin courageously and indolently stood by and did nothing while her family, friends and neighbors actively donated their time and money to various causes. She is truly not a role model for anyone.”

The 62-year-old Martin, a life-long Forestville resident and Governor Malloy supporter, told Boardman, “People always tell me I should make a difference. But I don’t want to. I like the way things are.”

The spokesman added, “It’s people like Ms. Martin that make us appreciate the real heroes. We owe her a debt of gratitude.”

The award banquet to be held at Nuchie’s at 6:00 p.m. is the fourth of the year for the Chambers. The first three honored the best businessman, the best business and the cutest dog video. A workshop on banquets will be offered before the event, followed by another workshop for junior members on how to clean up after a banquet.


Again With the Tolls?

February 24, 2018

Governor Dannel P. Malloy is once again proposing electronic tolling on Connecticut highways so the transportation fund won’t go insolvent.

Mr. Malloy has requested tolls numerous times during his tenure, but they were never taken seriously as they were only met with giggles, chuckles and guffaws by anyone that could breathe. As a result, the governor made his recent announcement surrounded by large men wielding baseball bats and clubs.

A recent poll showed that 90% of people who don’t live in Connecticut support the proposed toll booths.

“Ja, it sounds real yum yum,” said one pollee in Copenhagen.

Malloy said tolls are wildly popular, especially amongst Connecticut residents that do not drive. “Connecticut will continue to lead the country in coming up with creative and diverse ways of taxation,” he added.

The governor made it known that he believes the tolls will be very attractive, and supported by the populace. Consequently, he will propose before leaving office expanding the tolls to include the state’s bike paths, golf cart paths and the Tunxis Blue Trail.

Frequent Malloy critic House Minority Leader Themis Klarides, wearing a nice red blazer and charcoal pants, had no comment instead she choose to frown and squint her eyes at Boardman.


Connecticut’s Gubernatorial Race Heats Up Amid Complaints That People Pronounce It “Gubanatorial”

January 24, 2018

Joe Ganim

Former Democratic gubernatorial race frontrunner, Middletown Mayor Dan Drew announced he would drop out of the race during his campaign surrender party last week. The decision comes amid fundraising and sex discrimination investigations, loss of his leadership position and a persistent refusal to answer why his hair always looks fabulous.

In the end, his campaign was running out of money. He denied it was due to mismanagement. “My campaign has always been fiscally responsible,” he stated flatly. He then left reporters to enjoy the rest of his campaign event, which featured roaring lions jumping through hoops of fire as singer Elton John sang a new version of “Candle In The Wind” written just for Drew.

Drew’s Drop Puts Ganim On Top

Drew’s departure comes as Bridgeport Mayor Joe Ganim announced his entry into the race. Many state Democrats were disappointed as they had hoped Ganim would run for office in a different state.

Ganim is known for helping his city through a near bankruptcy and reducing crime outside the walls of city hall, before being jailed for bribery, extortion and racketeering. Nowadays, Ganim wears a sobriety bracelet marking two years, nine months and three days since he last took a bribe. Many residents agree he is now a better mayor.

“He’s quite a nice person,” says local restaurateur Mamie Jones. “In fact, I say that every time his people come to my restaurant for a shakedown.”

Ganim’s election committee is accepting campaign donations at three levels. Those who donate between $50 and $100 get all their City of Bridgeport parking tickets ripped up. Givers of up to $500 get a couple cartons of cigarettes that dropped off the back of a truck in New York. $500 and over gets donors a city contract of their choice.

Bronin Takes A Pop As Drew Makes A Stop

Another primary competitor, Hartford Mayor Luke Bronin, is quick to dismiss Ganim. “I know Ganim will brag he managed a government bankruptcy. But thanks to Governor Malloy’s leadership, I’m the only candidate who has actually run a city to bankruptcy. I can do it again with Connecticut.” Currently, Bronin’s election committee is raising funds for his run while exploring the possibility of declaring bankruptcy.

Drew said after his farewell acceptance speech, “When Ganim and Bronin entered the race, I knew I didn’t have the vast experience in mismanagement or the commission of felonies that our party looks for in a candidate these days.”


Governor Malloy Weighs in on Government Shutdown

January 21, 2018

Connecticut’s beloved governor, Dannel Malloy, released a statement decrying the federal government shutdown. “The president and congressional Republicans [need to do] do their job [and pass a budget].”

The governor expressed his outrage that the government would not have a budget. “This will hit the budgets of towns across Connecticut. No politician should cause pain for municipalities,” he added. “How long will this go on? No government runs well without a budget for days or weeks or months.”

So far, ten Connecticut towns marked themselves as safe in the 2018 government shutdown event on Facebook.

The State Republican Party tweeted a response to Malloy’s statement. However, the response was shadow banned by Twitter for excessive ironic content.


A Look Back at 2017

December 27, 2017

2017 had its fair share of stories and headlines to captivate the residents of Bristol and Forestville. Here is a look back at just a few of the stories that made headlines.

Drought Ends

The drought of 2016 came to an end in 2017. The then mayor officially declared the drought over with a ribbon cutting ceremony, and told drought protestors to shut up and go home.

Drought protestors said they would not leave because the Bristol Reservoirs were not 98% full, they were 2% empty.

Bristol Used New Defense Laser to Eliminate Blight and Critics

In March, Lockheed Martin announced they developed a 60 kilowatt-class laser that the government could use to thwart threats.

Consequently, in an effort to eliminate threats such as blight and critics, the mayor asked the army to fire the laser at both. The Office of the Mayor within days announced, “The U.S. Army, at the behest of the City of Bristol, used a Stryker armored vehicle with a laser weapon and ‘burn-through’ capabilities, eradicated both blight and critics thus removing these stains from Bristol.”

Super Fight II Ellen Vs Ken

Super Fight II, as it is dubbed for the purposes of this article so the boxing playbill created during the election and edited out of a piece can finally be used, did not live up to the hype as Ellen vanquished Mayor Ken handily by winning every precinct. However, the campaign was spirited, entertaining and added to their lore.

Ellen Zoppo-Sassu’s win was historic and inspirational as she became the first hyphenated mayor in Bristol’s history. Her victory carved a path for Councilwoman Mary Fortier to become Bristol’s first acting female mayor.

Mrs. Fortier was subsequently lauded with accolades from all over the state; her photo appeared on the front page of most state newspapers and she made numerous television appearances too. Oh, wait, that was Ellen not Mary. Never mind.

Man Who Crossed Street Without a Crossing Signal Censured by City Council

Forestville resident Limping Larry, without using a crosswalk or a crossing signal to guide him, successfully crossed Pine Street on a Tuesday in mid July and was not injured or harmed, according to police.

However, the City Council, after the incident became public knowledge, censured Larry for taking such a risky walk.

Councilor Dave Preleski opined in a blistering editorial, “How did Limping Larry cross that street? Who colluded with him? Did he have help? If so, who and why? That is not an easy road to cross especially if you have limp even if it is fake like Larry’s.”

Limping Larry subsequently apologized to the Traffic Division and the City Council for crossing the street without waiting for the signal.

The collusion allegation remains under investigation and will be for the foreseeable future.

Forestville Man Opened an Escort Business

The midlife crisis of Forestville resident Bob Knepper continued.

Mr. Knepper opened an escort business in the red-light district of Forestville called Intimate Encounters. “I know prostitution is illegal but that doesn’t mean you can’t do it,” Mr. Knepper said.

Critics charged he was disrespecting and debasing women. In response Mr. Knepper remarked, “How am I being disrespectful and debasing women? We have a good dental plan and I even offered my wife a job on the weekends. You know this political correctness thing has gone too far.”

Help Us Reach Out Goal (BOE Deficit)

In August the Board of Education announced they had a 2.4 million dollar deficit.

Consequently, the BOE had a pledge drive to raise funds for the school year. The event was called “Whoops We Need 2 Million Dollars Pronto Won’t You Please Help.”

The deficit resulted in an escalation of everyone’s favorite social media activities: finger pointing and character assassination.

Closing Thoughts

There are no closing thoughts. This sentence was written to merely extend the article by another sentence. So was this one. And this one too.

Okay, I am done. This is my last sentence.


Municipal Forum Held at St. Paul

October 24, 2017

The Bristol Chamber of Commerce help a municipal forum Monday night at St. Paul Catholic High School. Due to a prior obligation I was not able to attend. However, I had a mole in the audience and here are his observations:

All times EDT

PREGAME SHOW

5:40
Found a seat and just settling in. Oh no these seats don’t have cup holders. What kind of hell is this? Where am I to put my iced coffee?

5:45
There are a lot of important people here mingling with other important people I guess that’s why they’re important people. It’s high school all over again.

5:50
Currently scanning the room and looking for Mandy Woods but I don’t see her. I was hoping to add her autograph to my copy of the Rose Report.

5:52
Cara is wearing sky high heels? Are they those Christian Loba…Luba..Lobo…whatever the F they are called? Holy God they are high. I hope she is not afraid of heights. Jesus!

6:09
“Eric Carlson” starts us off. Whenever he speaks I feel like I am part of a sleep study.

Okay. Uh huh – yeah, regular guy. Yup. Got it…heard that before. Hmm. Zzzzzzz.

6:25
Here comes the F5 tornado that is Andrew Howe. Wait up, Andrew spoke from the heart. He hit all the right notes and I wish he did more of that.

Andrew…hang on a friend on Snapchat just sent me this funny video of himself. I’ll wait til Andrew finishes talking about… Oh this is so funny, I wish I could share it on my stream. He looks like a dog with that photo filter. Look at him!

6:35
This debate is very interesting. As a side note, I counted 500 tiles in the ceiling.

7:00
What is wrong with the microphone? I can’t hear anything. It sounds like everyone needs more fiber in their diet.

7:14
I brought some hard candy and just bit into one and it crunched really loud. I feel like everyone is staring at me. Mary Fortier heard it from the stage because she is staring right at me. How can she see that far? I’m way in the back and she wears glasses.

Anyway, I can’t finish eating the candy so I got a Kleenex and spit the candy into the Kleenex.

7:15
There are no garbage cans here and I can’t keep it in my pocket. What do I do?

7:16
Problem solved. I put it in a container the person next to me has.

7:17
Oh, no, he’s drinking out of it now. Maybe he won’t notice …I think he noticed. Shiiii-oh intermission!

INTERMISSION

7:20ish
Ellen and Ken take the stage. The body language is interesting because they are radioactive isotopes.

7:27
In keeping with the theme of the last two weeks, wouldn’t it be funny if right now Ellen produced photos of Ken dressed as Frank-N-Furter from the Rocky Horror Picture Show to embarrass him, and he produced photos of Ellen cheating on a diet to embarrass her? And then the moderator, in an effort to shut that avenue of the debate down, threatens both with photos he says he has of them laughing, joking and tickling each other.

7:31
When Ken gets done speaking I keep expecting to hear a rim shot. Ba-dum-tshh.

7:33
The guy behind me is taking bets that Ellen is going to say she got straight As on every homework assignment ever. I don’t like the action so I am passing.

7:37
Uh oh. Time to block my ears because Ellen is getting into Ellen-speak. Nooooooo! Oh wait she’s done. False alarm.

7:40
Ellen is connecting dots and Ken is; I am not sure what Ken is doing. He is railing about tax and spend democrats, a photo of Ellen and Governor Malloy and something about 60 million or 66 million dollars. I don’t know and I don’t think he does either. At least he is not ruffling around with his papers like he did in 2015. Progress!

7:50
Closing statements already? What a ripoff. I could listen to these two all night. Why can’t there be an encore?

7:53
Is the debate post mortem at Sporty’s?  How come they don’t make an announcement like for post funeral receptions?  “Thanks’ for coming you are now invited to Sporty’s for ill-tasting hors d’oeuvres and appetizers.”  I would go because I am so hungry.

The election is Tuesday November 7, 2017. Stay semi-informed with Alan Boardman’s semi-comprehensive and semi-accurate election coverage.