2017 had its fair share of stories and headlines to captivate the residents of Bristol and Forestville. Here is a look back at just a few of the stories that made headlines.
The drought of 2016 came to an end in 2017. The then mayor officially declared the drought over with a ribbon cutting ceremony, and told drought protestors to shut up and go home.
Drought protestors said they would not leave because the Bristol Reservoirs were not 98% full, they were 2% empty.
Bristol Used New Defense Laser to Eliminate Blight and Critics
In March, Lockheed Martin announced they developed a 60 kilowatt-class laser that the government could use to thwart threats.
Consequently, in an effort to eliminate threats such as blight and critics, the mayor asked the army to fire the laser at both. The Office of the Mayor within days announced, “The U.S. Army, at the behest of the City of Bristol, used a Stryker armored vehicle with a laser weapon and ‘burn-through’ capabilities, eradicated both blight and critics thus removing these stains from Bristol.”
Super Fight II Ellen Vs Ken
Super Fight II, as it is dubbed for the purposes of this article so the boxing playbill created during the election and edited out of a piece can finally be used, did not live up to the hype as Ellen vanquished Mayor Ken handily by winning every precinct. However, the campaign was spirited, entertaining and added to their lore.
Ellen Zoppo-Sassu’s win was historic and inspirational as she became the first hyphenated mayor in Bristol’s history. Her victory carved a path for Councilwoman Mary Fortier to become Bristol’s first acting female mayor.
Mrs. Fortier was subsequently lauded with accolades from all over the state; her photo appeared on the front page of most state newspapers and she made numerous television appearances too. Oh, wait, that was Ellen not Mary. Never mind.
Man Who Crossed Street Without a Crossing Signal Censured by City Council
Forestville resident Limping Larry, without using a crosswalk or a crossing signal to guide him, successfully crossed Pine Street on a Tuesday in mid July and was not injured or harmed, according to police.
However, the City Council, after the incident became public knowledge, censured Larry for taking such a risky walk.
Councilor Dave Preleski opined in a blistering editorial, “How did Limping Larry cross that street? Who colluded with him? Did he have help? If so, who and why? That is not an easy road to cross especially if you have limp even if it is fake like Larry’s.”
Limping Larry subsequently apologized to the Traffic Division and the City Council for crossing the street without waiting for the signal.
The collusion allegation remains under investigation and will be for the foreseeable future.
Forestville Man Opened an Escort Business
The midlife crisis of Forestville resident Bob Knepper continued.
Mr. Knepper opened an escort business in the red-light district of Forestville called Intimate Encounters. “I know prostitution is illegal but that doesn’t mean you can’t do it,” Mr. Knepper said.
Critics charged he was disrespecting and debasing women. In response Mr. Knepper remarked, “How am I being disrespectful and debasing women? We have a good dental plan and I even offered my wife a job on the weekends. You know this political correctness thing has gone too far.”
Help Us Reach Out Goal (BOE Deficit)
In August the Board of Education announced they had a 2.4 million dollar deficit.
Consequently, the BOE had a pledge drive to raise funds for the school year. The event was called “Whoops We Need 2 Million Dollars Pronto Won’t You Please Help.”
The deficit resulted in an escalation of everyone’s favorite social media activities: finger pointing and character assassination.
There are no closing thoughts. This sentence was written to merely extend the article by another sentence. So was this one. And this one too.
Okay, I am done. This is my last sentence.