Governor Malloy Weighs in on Government Shutdown

January 21, 2018

Connecticut’s beloved governor, Dannel Malloy, released a statement decrying the federal government shutdown. “The president and congressional Republicans [need to do] do their job [and pass a budget].”

The governor expressed his outrage that the government would not have a budget. “This will hit the budgets of towns across Connecticut. No politician should cause pain for municipalities,” he added. “How long will this go on? No government runs well without a budget for days or weeks or months.”

So far, ten Connecticut towns marked themselves as safe in the 2018 government shutdown event on Facebook.

The State Republican Party tweeted a response to Malloy’s statement. However, the response was shadow banned by Twitter for excessive ironic content.

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A Look Back at 2017

December 27, 2017

2017 had its fair share of stories and headlines to captivate the residents of Bristol and Forestville. Here is a look back at just a few of the stories that made headlines.

Drought Ends

The drought of 2016 came to an end in 2017. The then mayor officially declared the drought over with a ribbon cutting ceremony, and told drought protestors to shut up and go home.

Drought protestors said they would not leave because the Bristol Reservoirs were not 98% full, they were 2% empty.

Bristol Used New Defense Laser to Eliminate Blight and Critics

In March, Lockheed Martin announced they developed a 60 kilowatt-class laser that the government could use to thwart threats.

Consequently, in an effort to eliminate threats such as blight and critics, the mayor asked the army to fire the laser at both. The Office of the Mayor within days announced, “The U.S. Army, at the behest of the City of Bristol, used a Stryker armored vehicle with a laser weapon and ‘burn-through’ capabilities, eradicated both blight and critics thus removing these stains from Bristol.”

Super Fight II Ellen Vs Ken

Super Fight II, as it is dubbed for the purposes of this article so the boxing playbill created during the election and edited out of a piece can finally be used, did not live up to the hype as Ellen vanquished Mayor Ken handily by winning every precinct. However, the campaign was spirited, entertaining and added to their lore.

Ellen Zoppo-Sassu’s win was historic and inspirational as she became the first hyphenated mayor in Bristol’s history. Her victory carved a path for Councilwoman Mary Fortier to become Bristol’s first acting female mayor.

Mrs. Fortier was subsequently lauded with accolades from all over the state; her photo appeared on the front page of most state newspapers and she made numerous television appearances too. Oh, wait, that was Ellen not Mary. Never mind.

Man Who Crossed Street Without a Crossing Signal Censured by City Council

Forestville resident Limping Larry, without using a crosswalk or a crossing signal to guide him, successfully crossed Pine Street on a Tuesday in mid July and was not injured or harmed, according to police.

However, the City Council, after the incident became public knowledge, censured Larry for taking such a risky walk.

Councilor Dave Preleski opined in a blistering editorial, “How did Limping Larry cross that street? Who colluded with him? Did he have help? If so, who and why? That is not an easy road to cross especially if you have limp even if it is fake like Larry’s.”

Limping Larry subsequently apologized to the Traffic Division and the City Council for crossing the street without waiting for the signal.

The collusion allegation remains under investigation and will be for the foreseeable future.

Forestville Man Opened an Escort Business

The midlife crisis of Forestville resident Bob Knepper continued.

Mr. Knepper opened an escort business in the red-light district of Forestville called Intimate Encounters. “I know prostitution is illegal but that doesn’t mean you can’t do it,” Mr. Knepper said.

Critics charged he was disrespecting and debasing women. In response Mr. Knepper remarked, “How am I being disrespectful and debasing women? We have a good dental plan and I even offered my wife a job on the weekends. You know this political correctness thing has gone too far.”

Help Us Reach Out Goal (BOE Deficit)

In August the Board of Education announced they had a 2.4 million dollar deficit.

Consequently, the BOE had a pledge drive to raise funds for the school year. The event was called “Whoops We Need 2 Million Dollars Pronto Won’t You Please Help.”

The deficit resulted in an escalation of everyone’s favorite social media activities: finger pointing and character assassination.

Closing Thoughts

There are no closing thoughts. This sentence was written to merely extend the article by another sentence. So was this one. And this one too.

Okay, I am done. This is my last sentence.


Municipal Forum Held at St. Paul

October 24, 2017

The Bristol Chamber of Commerce help a municipal forum Monday night at St. Paul Catholic High School. Due to a prior obligation I was not able to attend. However, I had a mole in the audience and here are his observations:

All times EDT

PREGAME SHOW

5:40
Found a seat and just settling in. Oh no these seats don’t have cup holders. What kind of hell is this? Where am I to put my iced coffee?

5:45
There are a lot of important people here mingling with other important people I guess that’s why they’re important people. It’s high school all over again.

5:50
Currently scanning the room and looking for Mandy Woods but I don’t see her. I was hoping to add her autograph to my copy of the Rose Report.

5:52
Cara is wearing sky high heels? Are they those Christian Loba…Luba..Lobo…whatever the F they are called? Holy God they are high. I hope she is not afraid of heights. Jesus!

6:09
“Eric Carlson” starts us off. Whenever he speaks I feel like I am part of a sleep study.

Okay. Uh huh – yeah, regular guy. Yup. Got it…heard that before. Hmm. Zzzzzzz.

6:25
Here comes the F5 tornado that is Andrew Howe. Wait up, Andrew spoke from the heart. He hit all the right notes and I wish he did more of that.

Andrew…hang on a friend on Snapchat just sent me this funny video of himself. I’ll wait til Andrew finishes talking about… Oh this is so funny, I wish I could share it on my stream. He looks like a dog with that photo filter. Look at him!

6:35
This debate is very interesting. As a side note, I counted 500 tiles in the ceiling.

7:00
What is wrong with the microphone? I can’t hear anything. It sounds like everyone needs more fiber in their diet.

7:14
I brought some hard candy and just bit into one and it crunched really loud. I feel like everyone is staring at me. Mary Fortier heard it from the stage because she is staring right at me. How can she see that far? I’m way in the back and she wears glasses.

Anyway, I can’t finish eating the candy so I got a Kleenex and spit the candy into the Kleenex.

7:15
There are no garbage cans here and I can’t keep it in my pocket. What do I do?

7:16
Problem solved. I put it in a container the person next to me has.

7:17
Oh, no, he’s drinking out of it now. Maybe he won’t notice …I think he noticed. Shiiii-oh intermission!

INTERMISSION

7:20ish
Ellen and Ken take the stage. The body language is interesting because they are radioactive isotopes.

7:27
In keeping with the theme of the last two weeks, wouldn’t it be funny if right now Ellen produced photos of Ken dressed as Frank-N-Furter from the Rocky Horror Picture Show to embarrass him, and he produced photos of Ellen cheating on a diet to embarrass her? And then the moderator, in an effort to shut that avenue of the debate down, threatens both with photos he says he has of them laughing, joking and tickling each other.

7:31
When Ken gets done speaking I keep expecting to hear a rim shot. Ba-dum-tshh.

7:33
The guy behind me is taking bets that Ellen is going to say she got straight As on every homework assignment ever. I don’t like the action so I am passing.

7:37
Uh oh. Time to block my ears because Ellen is getting into Ellen-speak. Nooooooo! Oh wait she’s done. False alarm.

7:40
Ellen is connecting dots and Ken is; I am not sure what Ken is doing. He is railing about tax and spend democrats, a photo of Ellen and Governor Malloy and something about 60 million or 66 million dollars. I don’t know and I don’t think he does either. At least he is not ruffling around with his papers like he did in 2015. Progress!

7:50
Closing statements already? What a ripoff. I could listen to these two all night. Why can’t there be an encore?

7:53
Is the debate post mortem at Sporty’s?  How come they don’t make an announcement like for post funeral receptions?  “Thanks’ for coming you are now invited to Sporty’s for ill-tasting hors d’oeuvres and appetizers.”  I would go because I am so hungry.

The election is Tuesday November 7, 2017. Stay semi-informed with Alan Boardman’s semi-comprehensive and semi-accurate election coverage.


Connecticut Held Hostage: Day 60 – A New Hope

August 30, 2017

A whole generation of Connecticutans are growing up with no memory of a state with a budget.

“My mother said Connecticut used to have budgets, but kids at school called me a liar and made fun of me,” said five-year-old kindergartner and know-it-all Wendy Struthers.

“Way back in June of ought-seventeen it was, we last had a budget,” reminisced State Representative Joe Williams (I – Bridgeton).  “Back then, people knew the value of a dollar – about fifty cents.”

“But now everyone thinks having no budget is normal.  That deficits are cool.  But try and get a loan with no budget and a huge deficit.  The senate just got a response from MasterCard to their credit card application.  It was two pages filled with the letters ‘LOL!’  When the governor visits the bank, the tellers hide the lollipops and go on lunch break.”

Ratings agencies downgraded the state’s debt.  Tuesday, Moody’s warned they may downgrade it further to the status of “junk”, also known as “Illinois”.

Williams frowned.  “The only people who will lend to the state now are the Maynards down the road.  They own a sheep farm and let us borrow a couple ewes until we can pay for real desks to write on.  They aren’t very steady and they smell, but are they soft!”

“As a Democrat,” said State Senator Chad Johnson (D – Old Haven), “we solve budget problems by raising taxes and cutting the military.  But voters seem upset about the taxes and Connecticut hasn’t had a real military since 1783, so that leaves only one option – I’m taking my state pension and moving to Florida!”

Williams has an innovative solution to the deficit.  “We’ll do what every responsible government does.  We’ll make our own currency and print our way out of it.”

His plan is to revive the old system of colonial currency.  Dollars will be replaced by pounds, shillings and pence and in the case of Foxwoods and Mohegan Sun – beads.

Asked to comment, Speaker of the House Joe Aresimowicz (D – Berlin/Southington) said, “We have a Williams in the House?”


Day 16 Connecticut Held Hostage

July 26, 2017

The budget calamity reminds one of the famous line by Winston Churchill, “These are the times that try men’s souls.” This comment about the 1957 Eurovision song contest may as well been made about the current fiscal battle in Connecticut.

General Fund revenues may drop $400 million in the FY2017 compared to FY2016 with outgoing year revenues $400 million below 2016 expectations. 2017-18 State finances project to run $2.3 billion in deficit or 12% short and 2018-19, $2.8 billion or 14% – a 14% change in the increase in decrease. 100% avoidance in upward trends in tax correlating to 2011 and 2015, spending in 32 of 61 localities over 1.52% municipal and 1.37% education, and mill rates beyond 2.86% is priority 1. But what does this mean?

A Maple Street beggar, Jericho Threshold put it in simple terms. “If pension contributions double to 4%, 33% below the national mean against 1.6% June inflation and 1.6% 2016 GDP growth with a 1.3% price deflator, a 40-year Tier 2 employee retires at $100k but receives a $65K package, while 9-month term teachers make more with $80k at 60 and get 70% of last year pay with 0% contribution. Therefore, Train A traveling 40 mph meets a 30 mph 1,490 kW GG20B in 2 hours with p < 0.05."

Annie Albright, age 10 in 2 years minus 3, makes tiny slippers for cats on Etsy. She notes, "One bill with 78 Democrats supporting, 1% less than the normative 52.3%, claims $0.785 billion per annum median savings for 2 years for 23.3%, but add 2022 – 2027 to current benefits contracts, leaving 5 +/- 1. Turning to the pie chart, if we add the 18 Democrat senators divided by 3 moderates which gives us 6, 10% favor a 1.1% increase to a 6.99% sales tax; against 18 Republicans less 3 who like red cat slippers. If Senator Looney's father is 45, 15 years older than him who is twice his age, how old is Looney?"

Chris Shoeless, representative for Upper Mystic and local Republican party chairman, said, "Sorry, I don't follow politics."

With news that the protection of Connecticut State worker pensions is a top priority for budget writers, a spokesman for the Florida Department of Revenue said, "Whew!"

Extra Credit:
Governor Dannel Malloy has 11 more nickels that he took from taxpayers than quarters. How many coins does he have if the total value of his coins is $2.65?


Previewing the Candidates of District 3 / Battle of the Resumes

July 25, 2017

This year’s races for City Council will hinge on the candidates outlook for Bristol’s future.

Boardman, throughout the election season, will breakdown the city council races. Today District 3 is previewed, which includes Federal Hill and Forestville.

Cheryl Thibeault (R)

Mrs. Thibeault has an exceptional resume. When she enters a room her resume has already been there for ten minutes.

Currently she serves on the following boards and committees:

• Board of Finance (chair)
• Retirement Board
• 10-Year Capital Improvement Board
• Fire Building #4 Building Committee (co-chair)
• BOF liaison to the Police Board
• Youth leader in her church

But wait there is more.

• Mayor’s Task Force on Energy Conservation
• Greene-Hills School Building Committee
• Mayor’s TEAM committee
• Memorial Boulevard Task Force
• PTA president
• Girl Scout leader
• Forestville Village Association member
• Chamber of Commerce Board Director
• Wheeler YMCA Board
• Rescued a kitty from a tree
• Orchestrated the 2014 Ceasefire in Fallujah
• Her last name is two syllables
• Just copyrighted the word resume©
• In her spare time she is a super-hero

Mary Fortier (D)

Councilwoman Mary Fortier is seeking her third consecutive term. According to City Council Magazine she is Forestville’s favorite city councilor.

Mrs. Fortier is a mother of six and lives in the Federal Hill area in a house on a street. Her resume© includes the following:

• Lawyer with the State of Connecticut, Waterbury Court House
• Eighth woman to serve on the Bristol City Council
• Served on the Bristol Development Authority
• Served on the Bristol Community Organization
• Served on the Disability Commission
• Served on the Pine Lake Committee
• Served on the Real Estate Committee
• Served on the Salary Committee
• Was one of 100 women leaders in Connecticut that petitioned Governor Malloy to support paid family sick leave in 2016
• Regularly attends Bristol Blues games but has yet to thrown out a first pitch. Baseball Prospectus says she throws from a three-quarters arm slot; hides the ball well and hits her spots
• Wears glasses
• Signs her name in cursive
• Her last name is three syllables

Dave Mills (R)

Mr. Mills previously served two terms on the City Council before returning in 2015. His name appears in the newspaper a lot and now this website. Here are some highlights from his career:

• Retired School Teacher and high school football coach
• 2015 received the Spirit of Bristol Award from the CT Chambers of Commerce
• 2003 Bristol Sports Hall of Fame Inductee
• Head football coach at Bristol Eastern for 26 years
• Twice named “Coach of the Year” by the CIAC
• 1988 State Champion
• Revolutionized football using multiple formation offences and bringing back the shotgun, invented the 4-3 defense (Flex Defense), 20 straight winning seasons, and wore his trademark fedora on the sidelines. Wait that was Tom Landry former head coach of the Dallas Cowboys. Never mind.

Brittany Barney (D)

A newcomer to Bristol politics so not much is known about candidate Barney. However, a Google search of the name “Brittany Barney” reveals the following information:

• She is a Business Coordinator at Grey Mountain in Boulder, Colorado
• According to IMDb Brittany Barney is an actress best known for her role in the movie Santiago (2011)
• The 5’4 Junior Guard was the Benson High School Girls Basketball Player of the Game on February 2, 2017, Vs. Pima
• In 2009 playing for Clinton Community College against Finger Lakes “Brittany Barney” had 10 rebounds, seven assists and two steals
• Her favorite word is “soooo.”
• Her grandmother died in 1856, 1907, 1959, 1992, 1997, 2012 and 2014

The election is Tuesday November 7, 2017. Stay semi-informed with Alan Boardman’s semi-comprehensive and semi-accurate election coverage.

END


Financial Difficulties Hit Connecticut – Ten Injured

July 3, 2017

Hartford faces an inextricable financial crisis. City leaders met in May to discuss the possibility of filing for bankruptcy or running money-raising schemes like making the fire department available for bachelorette parties or listing the Mark Twain and Harriet Beecher Stowe Houses on Airbnb. However, a group of citizens have stepped forward to offer a real solution.

The group is a gang in the North End spun off from The Bloods, that call themselves “The Sera.” Gang leader Jimmie “Deadeye” Brown said they pledge to launch a three-state crime spree, robbing 7-Eleven’s and Cumberland Farms to raise cash money for Hartford.

“This is our town we talking about,” said Deadeye. “I hate seeing city services decline outside of the police department. How can I do drive-bys if my caddy is hitting potholes every half block?”

Connecticut itself is also entrenched in a monetary crisis, largely driven by an out-of-control state pension system. But the idea of pension reform was quickly scrapped after a few hundred pensioners stormed the General Assembly wielding canes and swinging catheter bags.

Juan Carlos Guzman has his own plan to ease the crisis. “A lot of states legalized marijuana to raise money. So there’s too much competition,” he said. “So if the governor legalize something other than marijuana like for discussion topic, crack, you solve budget deficit like that, huh? I’m not saying I sell drugs, but for conversation I’m not having, say the governor makes me sole vendor for the state and I cut the state in for say, twice what the Indians do with their little casinos down south…”

He pointed to court documents which show how lucrative this deal could be. In the third and fourth quarters of 2016, his organization that for conversation he does not run, reported record profits. This includes a 18.6% year-over-year increase from sales of “Chunga Munga”, a designer drug distilled from used socks stolen from senior living centers.

Long-time friend of Governor Malloy, Don Fusilli Cannelloni wants talk of a debt crisis to end. Speaking from a Barcalounger resting on the back of a mafia informant, Mr. Cannelloni said he offered to loan the state enough money to satisfy creditors. Asked whether he worried the state would repay his loan, he replied, “The governor Dannel, Dannie Dan Dan I call him; I trust. Dan Dan agreed he pay me back in six months or he has a talk with Sal about which kneecap he wants broken first.”

Related News
– Mafia Group Pitches In For Local Cemetery
– Humanitarian Award To Don Macaroni For Efforts To Help Get Children On Drugs
– Signor Maccheroni al Pèttine To Mayor Gnocchi: “Whatsa Matta You?”

Update:
To cut spending, Governor Malloy has announced that the traditional large fireworks display for the Fourth of July holiday will be replaced by two kids with some bottle rockets.