Connecticut Held Hostage: Day 60 – A New Hope

August 30, 2017

A whole generation of Connecticutans are growing up with no memory of a state with a budget.

“My mother said Connecticut used to have budgets, but kids at school called me a liar and made fun of me,” said five-year-old kindergartner and know-it-all Wendy Struthers.

“Way back in June of ought-seventeen it was, we last had a budget,” reminisced State Representative Joe Williams (I – Bridgeton).  “Back then, people knew the value of a dollar – about fifty cents.”

“But now everyone thinks having no budget is normal.  That deficits are cool.  But try and get a loan with no budget and a huge deficit.  The senate just got a response from MasterCard to their credit card application.  It was two pages filled with the letters ‘LOL!’  When the governor visits the bank, the tellers hide the lollipops and go on lunch break.”

Ratings agencies downgraded the state’s debt.  Tuesday, Moody’s warned they may downgrade it further to the status of “junk”, also known as “Illinois”.

Williams frowned.  “The only people who will lend to the state now are the Maynards down the road.  They own a sheep farm and let us borrow a couple ewes until we can pay for real desks to write on.  They aren’t very steady and they smell, but are they soft!”

“As a Democrat,” said State Senator Chad Johnson (D – Old Haven), “we solve budget problems by raising taxes and cutting the military.  But voters seem upset about the taxes and Connecticut hasn’t had a real military since 1783, so that leaves only one option – I’m taking my state pension and moving to Florida!”

Williams has an innovative solution to the deficit.  “We’ll do what every responsible government does.  We’ll make our own currency and print our way out of it.”

His plan is to revive the old system of colonial currency.  Dollars will be replaced by pounds, shillings and pence and in the case of Foxwoods and Mohegan Sun – beads.

Asked to comment, Speaker of the House Joe Aresimowicz (D – Berlin/Southington) said, “We have a Williams in the House?”

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Day 16 Connecticut Held Hostage

July 26, 2017

The budget calamity reminds one of the famous line by Winston Churchill, “These are the times that try men’s souls.” This comment about the 1957 Eurovision song contest may as well been made about the current fiscal battle in Connecticut.

General Fund revenues may drop $400 million in the FY2017 compared to FY2016 with outgoing year revenues $400 million below 2016 expectations. 2017-18 State finances project to run $2.3 billion in deficit or 12% short and 2018-19, $2.8 billion or 14% – a 14% change in the increase in decrease. 100% avoidance in upward trends in tax correlating to 2011 and 2015, spending in 32 of 61 localities over 1.52% municipal and 1.37% education, and mill rates beyond 2.86% is priority 1. But what does this mean?

A Maple Street beggar, Jericho Threshold put it in simple terms. “If pension contributions double to 4%, 33% below the national mean against 1.6% June inflation and 1.6% 2016 GDP growth with a 1.3% price deflator, a 40-year Tier 2 employee retires at $100k but receives a $65K package, while 9-month term teachers make more with $80k at 60 and get 70% of last year pay with 0% contribution. Therefore, Train A traveling 40 mph meets a 30 mph 1,490 kW GG20B in 2 hours with p < 0.05."

Annie Albright, age 10 in 2 years minus 3, makes tiny slippers for cats on Etsy. She notes, "One bill with 78 Democrats supporting, 1% less than the normative 52.3%, claims $0.785 billion per annum median savings for 2 years for 23.3%, but add 2022 – 2027 to current benefits contracts, leaving 5 +/- 1. Turning to the pie chart, if we add the 18 Democrat senators divided by 3 moderates which gives us 6, 10% favor a 1.1% increase to a 6.99% sales tax; against 18 Republicans less 3 who like red cat slippers. If Senator Looney's father is 45, 15 years older than him who is twice his age, how old is Looney?"

Chris Shoeless, representative for Upper Mystic and local Republican party chairman, said, "Sorry, I don't follow politics."

With news that the protection of Connecticut State worker pensions is a top priority for budget writers, a spokesman for the Florida Department of Revenue said, "Whew!"

Extra Credit:
Governor Dannel Malloy has 11 more nickels that he took from taxpayers than quarters. How many coins does he have if the total value of his coins is $2.65?


Previewing the Candidates of District 3 / Battle of the Resumes

July 25, 2017

This year’s races for City Council will hinge on the candidates outlook for Bristol’s future.

Boardman, throughout the election season, will breakdown the city council races. Today District 3 is previewed, which includes Federal Hill and Forestville.

Cheryl Thibeault (R)

Mrs. Thibeault has an exceptional resume. When she enters a room her resume has already been there for ten minutes.

Currently she serves on the following boards and committees:

• Board of Finance (chair)
• Retirement Board
• 10-Year Capital Improvement Board
• Fire Building #4 Building Committee (co-chair)
• BOF liaison to the Police Board
• Youth leader in her church

But wait there is more.

• Mayor’s Task Force on Energy Conservation
• Greene-Hills School Building Committee
• Mayor’s TEAM committee
• Memorial Boulevard Task Force
• PTA president
• Girl Scout leader
• Forestville Village Association member
• Chamber of Commerce Board Director
• Wheeler YMCA Board
• Rescued a kitty from a tree
• Orchestrated the 2014 Ceasefire in Fallujah
• Her last name is two syllables
• Just copyrighted the word resume©
• In her spare time she is a super-hero

Mary Fortier (D)

Councilwoman Mary Fortier is seeking her third consecutive term. According to City Council Magazine she is Forestville’s favorite city councilor.

Mrs. Fortier is a mother of six and lives in the Federal Hill area in a house on a street. Her resume© includes the following:

• Lawyer with the State of Connecticut, Waterbury Court House
• Eighth woman to serve on the Bristol City Council
• Served on the Bristol Development Authority
• Served on the Bristol Community Organization
• Served on the Disability Commission
• Served on the Pine Lake Committee
• Served on the Real Estate Committee
• Served on the Salary Committee
• Was one of 100 women leaders in Connecticut that petitioned Governor Malloy to support paid family sick leave in 2016
• Regularly attends Bristol Blues games but has yet to thrown out a first pitch. Baseball Prospectus says she throws from a three-quarters arm slot; hides the ball well and hits her spots
• Wears glasses
• Signs her name in cursive
• Her last name is three syllables

Dave Mills (R)

Mr. Mills previously served two terms on the City Council before returning in 2015. His name appears in the newspaper a lot and now this website. Here are some highlights from his career:

• Retired School Teacher and high school football coach
• 2015 received the Spirit of Bristol Award from the CT Chambers of Commerce
• 2003 Bristol Sports Hall of Fame Inductee
• Head football coach at Bristol Eastern for 26 years
• Twice named “Coach of the Year” by the CIAC
• 1988 State Champion
• Revolutionized football using multiple formation offences and bringing back the shotgun, invented the 4-3 defense (Flex Defense), 20 straight winning seasons, and wore his trademark fedora on the sidelines. Wait that was Tom Landry former head coach of the Dallas Cowboys. Never mind.

Brittany Barney (D)

A newcomer to Bristol politics so not much is known about candidate Barney. However, a Google search of the name “Brittany Barney” reveals the following information:

• She is a Business Coordinator at Grey Mountain in Boulder, Colorado
• According to IMDb Brittany Barney is an actress best known for her role in the movie Santiago (2011)
• The 5’4 Junior Guard was the Benson High School Girls Basketball Player of the Game on February 2, 2017, Vs. Pima
• In 2009 playing for Clinton Community College against Finger Lakes “Brittany Barney” had 10 rebounds, seven assists and two steals
• Her favorite word is “soooo.”
• Her grandmother died in 1856, 1907, 1959, 1992, 1997, 2012 and 2014

The election is Tuesday November 7, 2017. Stay semi-informed with Alan Boardman’s semi-comprehensive and semi-accurate election coverage.

END


Financial Difficulties Hit Connecticut – Ten Injured

July 3, 2017

Hartford faces an inextricable financial crisis. City leaders met in May to discuss the possibility of filing for bankruptcy or running money-raising schemes like making the fire department available for bachelorette parties or listing the Mark Twain and Harriet Beecher Stowe Houses on Airbnb. However, a group of citizens have stepped forward to offer a real solution.

The group is a gang in the North End spun off from The Bloods, that call themselves “The Sera.” Gang leader Jimmie “Deadeye” Brown said they pledge to launch a three-state crime spree, robbing 7-Eleven’s and Cumberland Farms to raise cash money for Hartford.

“This is our town we talking about,” said Deadeye. “I hate seeing city services decline outside of the police department. How can I do drive-bys if my caddy is hitting potholes every half block?”

Connecticut itself is also entrenched in a monetary crisis, largely driven by an out-of-control state pension system. But the idea of pension reform was quickly scrapped after a few hundred pensioners stormed the General Assembly wielding canes and swinging catheter bags.

Juan Carlos Guzman has his own plan to ease the crisis. “A lot of states legalized marijuana to raise money. So there’s too much competition,” he said. “So if the governor legalize something other than marijuana like for discussion topic, crack, you solve budget deficit like that, huh? I’m not saying I sell drugs, but for conversation I’m not having, say the governor makes me sole vendor for the state and I cut the state in for say, twice what the Indians do with their little casinos down south…”

He pointed to court documents which show how lucrative this deal could be. In the third and fourth quarters of 2016, his organization that for conversation he does not run, reported record profits. This includes a 18.6% year-over-year increase from sales of “Chunga Munga”, a designer drug distilled from used socks stolen from senior living centers.

Long-time friend of Governor Malloy, Don Fusilli Cannelloni wants talk of a debt crisis to end. Speaking from a Barcalounger resting on the back of a mafia informant, Mr. Cannelloni said he offered to loan the state enough money to satisfy creditors. Asked whether he worried the state would repay his loan, he replied, “The governor Dannel, Dannie Dan Dan I call him; I trust. Dan Dan agreed he pay me back in six months or he has a talk with Sal about which kneecap he wants broken first.”

Related News
– Mafia Group Pitches In For Local Cemetery
– Humanitarian Award To Don Macaroni For Efforts To Help Get Children On Drugs
– Signor Maccheroni al Pèttine To Mayor Gnocchi: “Whatsa Matta You?”

Update:
To cut spending, Governor Malloy has announced that the traditional large fireworks display for the Fourth of July holiday will be replaced by two kids with some bottle rockets.


Concertgoers Meet Disappointment

June 5, 2017

– Queen of England Bestows Knighthood To Popular Septic Tank Worker Using Extra Long Sword

– Governor Malloy Pledges To Make Filling Out State Income Tax Forms Fun Again

– Experts Worry Robots Will Lose Their Jobs To Migrant Furbies

Concertgoers
A Southington couple met disappointment when they arrived at Center Park in Manchester Sunday.

“We heard Arianna Grande was playing a benefit in Manchester, but she isn’t here,” said Mike Lumpwell.

His wife hit him in the arm. “I told you it was Manchester, New Hampshire, not Connecticut.”

They next plan to visit New London to see the changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace.

Stories continued on back


State Budget Hilights

February 27, 2017

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Governor Malloy’s proposed budget has the capital abuzz. It fulfills his pledge to not raise taxes by having cities and towns raise them instead. Labor unions are called on to make concessions. There is further talk that legislators’ salaries may increase more slowly. To make up the difference, legislators would be allowed to keep tip jars in their offices.

The plan also raises government fees. For example, people who enjoy drinking liquids will be penalized for their guilty pleasure with a doubling in bottle deposits. Cremation certificate fees would rise from $150 to $200. Dead people caught cremating without paying the fee will be reconstituted into corporeal form at their expense.

Many proposals are popular, such as levying property taxes on hospitals. “This is a way for the State to tell people in ICU to stop thinking they’re better than everyone just because they have a life-threatening condition,” said an unnamed Malloy supporter, Donna Davis.

A tripling in fees for pistol permits has the backing of Home Invasion advocates like MS-13. The removal of the state’s minimum price law for alcohol is popular with street bums and is projected to help Democrat consumers come to terms with last year’s election.

At the same time, Malloy wants to keep intact his 30-year, $100 billion transportation initiative to improve mobility.

“Our administration wants to ease traffic congestion,” said the governor’s spokesman in Hindi. “The best way to do that is through tolls and increased gas taxes to reduce the number of people who can afford cars. We also eliminate interstate rest areas to encourage people with weak bladders to either travel faster to their destination or just stay off the highway. Of course, thanks to the governor’s tireless efforts, many people are moving out of the State, so most congestion problems will solve themselves.” According to Google Translate, the spokesman went on to extol curry and mango chutney.

Malloy’s budget also raises the cigarette tax from $3.90 a pack to four million billion dollars. His budget planners say the tax will solve the budget crisis and allow them to finally build the Dannel P. Malloy Spaceport and Tribute Center along with five fifty-foot-tall giant robots to guard it.

Stories from around the state:
– Dyslexic Fan Upset By UConn Women Basketball’s 0-29 Start

– Bridgeport Mayor Celebrates Two Years Of Not Taking Bribes

– Mohegan Sun: Tribes Choose East Windsor for New Connecticut Casino. Was the Fix in Against Forestville Once Again?


Malloy’s Austerity Plan for the XL Center

February 23, 2017

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With the state under enormous fiscal pressure, Governor Malloy introduced an austerity plan patterned after the successful Greek one that led Greece to face bankruptcy only a second time. 

In an effort to reduce spending, Malloy would eliminate property and income tax credits for the poor and middle class, reduce aid to cities and spend $250 million for the installation of a gold-encrusted governor’s box in the XL Center.  He claims the box will pay for itself over the next hundred years.  If not, he will set fire to the arena for the insurance money.

The XL Center redesign is part of an overall upgrade designed to lure the New York Islanders hockey franchise to Hartford.  He assured diehard Islanders fans that should the team move, there would be no changes to the team at all, except that the jerseys would be green and white and they would be called the “Hartford Whalers.”  Also, all New Yorkers would be banned.

The city’s minor league hockey team, the Hartford Wolfpack, would be pushed out of the XL Center to the Bolton Ice Palace where they would play their games after Learn To Skate class on Mondays.  Malloy claims the Palace will give the Wolfpack a great deal on skate rentals.

Malloy’s bid for a pro sports team to move here follows his successful relocation of the New Britain Rock Cats baseball team to Hartford under the catchy new name, the grazing “Yard Goats.”  Unlike that deal, Malloy has promised the Islanders they would indeed have a place to host their games.  Also, the team would get free Kevlar vests and bulletproof cars for travel into and out of Hartford.

“The team is considering the deal,” said a spokesman for the Islanders, shortly before he was checked into a set of chairs by a New York Rangers player.