Mayor Goes on Resignation Crusade!

September 20, 2017

Due to the Board of Education’s 2-million-dollar shortfall, the mayor took to social media recently and asked for two of its elected volunteers to resign. Many residents were shocked while his loyal and rabid supporters stood by his statement. However, Boardman has learned that the mayor’s resignation demand is not limited to merely the Board of Education.

Last Saturday during a baseball game at Forestville Little League, with a runner on first in the last inning and his team down by a run, Manager Ed Oates did not ask his batter to bunt. Instead the batter swung away and he hit into a double play.

The mayor, who was in attendance, was incensed by the strategy. Following the ballgame, he again took to social media and condemned the coaches and asked that they too resign. “How do you not bunt in that situation?” he asked pointedly. “I don’t know why they did not bunt they’re, their…then…but they should do everyone a favor and quit.”

His minions, who were not at the game nor familiar with the batter or his skill set or the managers thinking, were quick to pile on to impress the supreme leader. Patriot50 fired the first salvo, “I have tapes of this guy coaching games and I will send them to America’s Funniest Home Videos!” she angrily wrote.

Mimi Pipkens was up next and fired at will. “I heard when Moses came down from Mount Sinai he left several commandments behind and one of them was ‘Thou Shall Not Let Ed Oates be a Volunteer or Manage a Baseball Team.’”

Latham Eikel was more direct and snarled, “For not bunting Ed Oates should be hung and dragged through the streets of Forestville like Mussolini.”

The mayor was not done.

Julius Denforth is the Den Leader for Cub Scout Troop 314, which meets at Greene Hills School Monday nights between 7:30 and 9:00 P.M. Upon hearing that Troop 314 meets Monday nights, the mayor took to social media to denounce Julius and demand his resignation. “Who schedules a meeting during Monday night Football? This guy needs to reszin, reszi,…I mean quit.”

The mayor then went on to provide a list of volunteers that he feels must leave because he said so: Volunteer Fire Departments, Hurricane Irma relief volunteers, Habitat for the Humanities, Red Cross, ARF and the lemonade stand on Academy Street because “the lemonade don’t taste twoto..too…no good.”


Baseball Fans Take to the Streets of Forestville to Protest Called Third Strike

June 19, 2017

Baseball fans in Forestville took to the streets early Sunday morning following a disputed called third strike in a pick-up game behind Greene-Hills School Saturday.

In the second inning with nobody on base and two outs and a 0-2 count, Home plate umpire Michael Nerdly called Gavin Dodge out on strikes. Dodge disputed the call and asked for a redo but Nerdly ignored his plea.

According to spectators the pitch in question appeared to be outside and out of the strike zone, but Nerdly said the pitch hugged the outside corner. The play did not decide the contest and the game had absolutely no meaning, but the controversy will live forever.

Charlie Simmer briefly attended the game and was standing down the left field line roughly 200 feet from home plate with an obstructed view and observed, “No way was that a strike! The umpire is blind or he can’t see. I can’t tell which.”

Added Cheryl Murdoch, “I wasn’t at the game so I heard about it through a friend and I can tell you that pitch was not a strike. What a joke. Give me a break!”

Consequently, chanting protestors walked the streets near Peck Park, rallying against the called third strike. The demonstration was peaceful but residents in the small neighborhood awoke to the sounds of protesters denouncing the call with chants of “Hey hey! Ho ho! Michael Nerdly has got to go!” And other colorful slogans such as “Kill the Ump!”

Game Notes:

The team that scores more runs has yet to lose a game in the history baseball.

All the runs scored were by the team on offense.

The game ended when the ball was lost in the woods.

The 2016 Forestville Philosophy Expo

July 9, 2016

Philosophy 02

The 2016 Forestville Philosophy Expo was held last weekend at Greene Hills School and it failed to generate any buzz or enthusiasm.

The exhibition was for Forestville residents seeking illumination regarding wisdom, thought and logic. Only 113 people showed up, doubling last year’s attendance figure.

According to the event organizers, “The fatalists walked around saying it was their destiny to be here walking around talking about how it was their destiny to be here walking around. Fans of Friedrich Nietzsche stared into an abyss but were upset when the abyss did not stare back, and the amateur philosophers could not decide if they should discuss free will. Oh the irony.”

Organizers say the crowds would have been bigger but a segment of the philosophy community questions the existence of anything outside one’s own mind. As a result they all stayed home.

Philosphy 01

Despite these issues, organizers guarantee there will be a 2017 Forestville Philosophy Expo. However, as one of the attendees remarked, “Can we be certain of anything if it hasn’t happened yet?”


SpaceX Plans to Land Booster Rocket in Forestville

May 16, 2016
SpaceX Coming to Forestville?

SpaceX Coming to Forestville?

SpaceX, the aerospace manufacturer, recently landed a rocket on a robotic ocean barge after several attempts. Now, officials close to Elon Musk, the founder of SpaceX, say he wants to scrap barge landings in the Atlantic Ocean and instead land their Falcon 9 rocket on something more challenging — a flatbed truck in Forestville driven down Route 72 by an irate New York City cab driver under the influence of psychoactive drugs.

Forestville was not the company’s first choice. “We considered doing it in Hartford, but we’ve seen what happens to unattended cars there,” a representative said.

Because the City of Bristol/Forestville was just recognized as the “Best Small City for Doing Business in Greater Hartford” by a personal finance website and “Best City to Land a Reusable Rocket In” by Mrs. Kimbell’s kindergarten class at Greene-Hills School, Musk decided landing his rocket in Connecticut’s tenth most populous city was a good fit.

Governor Malloy is excited about the project. “Not only will this put Connecticut on the space map,” he said in a recent interview, “but allow the state to finally use the law I signed last session to charge tolls on any landing spacecraft.” This law was previously cited by UFOlogists as a reason aliens land elsewhere in the country.

The rocket itself is propelling a Dragon module to the space station. The module will contain numerous experiments to measure the spread of dog hair in zero gravity and determine if magnifying glasses burn ants faster in outer space.

Tickets Still Available for the Governor John Rowland Appreciation Dinner

November 27, 2015
Green Hills School, site of the John Rowland Appreciation Dinner

Green Hills School, site of the John Rowland Appreciation Dinner

Tickets for the John Rowland Appreciation Dinner to be held Saturday at 9 p.m. in Forestville are still available. Rowland was the 86th governor of the state of Connecticut and a twice convicted felon.

The original ticket price was $15 but was reduced to $10 and then $5 due to a lack of interest. Tickers are now free and can be obtained through the Forestville Chamber of Commerce.

Also, due to the anticipated small crowd, the venue moved from the banquet hall at Nuchie’s Restaurant, which can seat 300 people to the Family Resource Center on the first floor of Green Hills School, which can seat about 20 people, maybe. The menu will consist of food items from the school menu.

The scheduled speakers are fellow political luminaries and convicted felons:

Bridgeport, Connecticut, Mayor Joe Ganim (federal corruption charges for racketeering, conspiracy and bribery).

Former Connecticut State Senator, Ernie Newton (felony conviction for bribery, mail fraud and tax evasion).

Former Mayor of Hartford, Connecticut, Eddie Perez (felony conviction for bribery, fabricating evidence, and conspiracy to fabricate evidence).

Hope to see you there!

Et tu, Brute?

Forestville Fourth Graders Announce Baseball Card Trade

January 17, 2015


Billy and Owen 4th graders at Greene Hills School traded baseball cards during lunch Thursday.

The terms of the deal were not disclosed but sources say the boys swapped a total of seventeen cards including a card to be named later.

The negotiations were tense and there was name calling on both sides, but the deal was finalized when Billy included his father’s 1970 Nolan Ryan card. “Dad doesn’t know yet,” said a sheepish Billy.