Community Outraged Because History is Being Taught in School

November 17, 2017

Northeast Middle School has canceled an invitation to a British author to speak to their 7th grade Social Studies class about the American Revolution from the British perspective. The event was canceled after several parents complained.

According to sources, parents were outraged that children would be introduced to the concept that King George had a valid reason to raise taxes on the colonists in order to pay for their war debt.

“This is America! Who cares about the British?” asked one parent frothing at the mouth. “Hey not my revolution, not my problem man,” he added.

Another snarled, “Historically the American point of view is under represented when discussing the American Revolution.”

One more observed, “If they are going to have a stuffy British author speak, then they sure as hell better have a stuffy American author speak too.”

The residents of Bristol have a long history of complaining about things from painting traffic boxes to turf fields to videotaping a bear at Sessions Woods to grousing about train noises when living near railroad tracks. Consequently, the controversy surprises no one.

Sir Peter John Westmacott, British Ambassador to the United States, was disappointed that the British point of view would not be presented to history students, and addressed the matter during a press conference at the British embassy in New York early this morning, “Apparently the echoes of the American Revolution, which ended 234 years ago, are still being heard. Since the United States founding the world has been told how exceptional the United States is; how inclusive the United States is; and how diverse the United States is. Perhaps the United States isn’t so inclusive; isn’t so diverse and isn’t so exceptional after all; at least not in Bristol anyway. So much for Bristol being “All Heart”!

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City of Bristol on Life Support

October 2, 2017

The City of Bristol is on life support at Bristol Hospital, where family and friends are keeping a bedside vigil as the Mum City battles injuries sustained from repeated infighting, political scandals, revenge politics, bitter social media conflicts and a host of other self-inflicted wounds.

Doctors at the hospital say Bristol’s condition has deteriorated over the last week so it was moved to the Intensive Care Unit where it is using a ventilator to help it breathe.

Forestville, Bristol’s only child, told Boardman the city previously healed from life threatening injuries, but the prognosis this time is not good. The village is praying but is preparing to grapple with life without the city.

Bristol got its start as part of Farmington in the 1600s playing a minor role in the that town’s development, before establishing itself in the following decades.

The city carved out a niche in the subsequent centuries by having a diverse population and becoming a leader in manufacturing and recreation.

It became known for its humanitarianism when it adopted Forestville and an entrepreneurial spirit with the foresight to aid and develop Lake Compounce, ESPN and a host of other businesses.

However, in recent years, the constant strain due to ceaseless bickering and name calling has taken its toll.

Reactions from the Area

Plainville
The town of Plainville, a loyal and trusted friend, released a statement, “We’re all rallying behind Bristol to do whatever we can, and give them any help they need.”

New Britain
Wearing a green military cap and dressed in its familiar military fatigues and toking on a Cohiba cigar, the City of New Britain was silent for many moments but then said through an interpreter, “This is bad news so we will pray for our lukewarm friend.”

Southington
Although the town of Southington is saying all the right things publicly, privately it’s a different matter. Intelligence agencies picked up conversations of Southington discussing Bristol’s plight, “We are sorry to hear about this but should Bristol succumb to its injuries we should have first dibs on Lake Compounce and ESPN.”


Guide to the 2017 Mum Festival Parade

September 24, 2017

For residents of Bristol and Forestville, the historic Mum Festival Parade is the bringing together of community, families and fun. So, if you are attending the parade today, here are some important details organizers would like you to consider:

* This year’s parade begins exactly at 1:30 PM. Late arrivals will not be allowed to view the parade.

* For those not able to attend the parade during the day, a second parade will be held beginning at 9PM.

* Waving is strictly prohibited. Spectators are reminded to not distract the marchers by waving at them because they need to concentrate on marching.

* Even though the parade is only hours away the route is still not determined because organizers want an organic – free flowing loosey-goosey feel to the event.

* The streets along the parade route are not closed to traffic so marchers, parade floats and spectators must remain alert.

* Unlike prior year’s the Parade Float Race will be held during the parade to give the event some death defying excitement!

A Long (Cursed) Parade History

* The first Mum Festival Parade was held in 1962, which is a long time ago.

* According the Census Report a lot of people that marched in 1962 are now dead and or deceased.

* 1976: In a bizarre accident along the Boulevard, the Shriners in their tiny cars collide. Grown men wearing fezzes are banned for a year.

* 1984: Spectators fall into a bottomless pit along South Street and are presumed “missing.” Authorities believe they are still falling.

* 1991: Parade delayed a week due to tuning a mishap. The Bristol Central Marching Band collides before the parade begins, and it takes three days to untangle the horn section.

* 2010: In a case of collective amnesia no one shows up for the parade.


London Marathon Finish Includes Local Resident?

April 26, 2017

Last Sunday’s London Marathon included one Bristol resident, Bryan Smythe Smiley.

Smiley was ebullient, but tired.  When we interviewed him at the finish line, we were struck by his pronounced British accent.

“I get that all the time,” he said.  “People think I am from Bristol, England.  Don’t let the O.B.E. after my name fool you.  That stands for ‘Order of Bristol Envelopes.’  It is something only a person from our Connecticut chapter would get.  My whole family lives in Bristol in Connecticut, U.S. of A., by George.  My grandfather was even 11th Earl of Bristol.”

Back in Connecticut, a local historian Jack Maize was beside himself.  “What Smiley claims is not true.  The voter rolls even show he resides in Bristol, England.  And Bristol never had earls.  I should know.  My great aunt was High Executioner for this town back in the war.”

We caught up with another local historian, Greg Putank, hanging outside Greer’s Chicken with a sign saying, “Will Provide Historical Context For Food.”   Putank vehemently decried these distortions of the truth.  “Both men are lying.  In fact, the second man is not even a historian.  I usually see him dumpster diving outside Price Chopper.  Believe me, no historian would go near their dumpsters.  We are loyal to Stop & Shop!”

“It is an ideal place to get a diachronic perspective for reconstructing aspects of individual and group identity shaped by current political exigencies through contextual analysis of the disposed comestible and toiletry repertoire.  I also like the bagels they toss.”

Price Chopper had no comment, but did brag that one London Marathon finisher was Georgina MacStewart, an employee with their new London store.  Or New London store?


Forestville on Alert and Frederick Douglass Confirmed Dead

February 4, 2017

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Fairy tales are more than true: not because they tell us dragons exist, but because they tell us dragons can be beaten.
– G.K. Chesterton

Following the Bowling Green Massacre the Forestville threat level was elevated Saturday. Due to the raising of the threat level and with the apparent death of noted abolitionist Frederick Douglass (more below) during the Bowling Green Massacre, Harriet Beecher Stowe and Harriet Tubman were placed in protective custody, President Trump announced late Saturday.

According to village officials, Forestville’s alert was raised but neighboring Southington wasn’t because Forestville saw an influx of refugees come from Plainville.

Frederick Douglass

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Abolitionist, statesman and one time slave Frederick Douglass is confirmed among the dead during the Bowling Green Massacre in 2011.

Mr. Douglas was recently in the news when President Trump referred to him in the present-tense at a Black History Month event when he said “Frederick Douglass ‘has done an amazing job.’” We now know that statement to be false because he died in the 2011 Bowling Green Massacre. Below is a consolidated time line of his extraordinary life. He was only 193 years old.

Frederick Douglass Timeline

1818 Born a slave as Frederick Augustus Washington Bailey

1826 Taught to read and write

1838 Changes his name to Frederick Douglass and escapes to freedom in the North

1848 Attends first Women’s Right Convention at Seneca Falls, New York

1853 Visits Harriet Beecher Stowe

1855 Publishes his second autobiography, My Bondage and My Freedom

1865 Receives President Lincoln’s walking stick from Mrs. Lincoln following the president’s assassination

1872 Moves to Washington, D.C.

1881 Predicts President Garfield will be a two term president

1903 Attends First Baseball World Series

1914 Attends state funeral for Franz Ferdinand

1932 Endorses FDR for president

1938 Has meeting with Chamberlain and Hitler and says “there will be no war in Europe”

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1943 Begins dating American actress and pin-up girl Betty Grable

1952 Makes TV debut on What’s My Line?

1953 Accused of being a communist by Senator Joseph McCarthy

1963 Rides in the follow up car at JFK assassination

1965 Cannot participate in the Selma to Montgomery March with MLK due to gout

1968 Romantically linked to actresses Cicely Tyson and Diahann Carroll

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1977 Makes guest TV appearances on The Walton’s, Little House on the Prairie, All in the Family, The Muppet Show, Good Times, 60 Minutes and The Love Boat

1979 Appears at No Nukes Rally

1984 Appears at MTV Awards with Diana Ross

1989 Caught up in The Keating Five Scandal

1994 Nominated for Grammy for Best Spoken Word Album

2000 Retires

2006 Receives the Presidential Medal of Freedom from President Bush

2011 Dies during Bowling Green Massacre

2017 Death announced to the public


Left Handed Vice Presidents at the Historical Society

August 13, 2016

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The Forestville Historical Society is hosting a program called Being Left Handed and Vice President this Tuesday August 16th from 7PM to 9PM.

According to the program’s organizer Aldridge Rumrick, there have been five known left handed vice presidents in American history: Henry Wallace, Harry Truman, Gerald Ford, Nelson Rockefeller, and George H.W. Bush.

The evening will start with the documentary film, Left Handed and a Heartbeat Away, narrated by Jim Lehrer. The film takes a critical look at the pressures of being left handed and being vice president simultaneously and asks the questions, how does being left handed affect the vice presidency and how does the vice presidency affect being left handed?

Following the film a panel discussion moderated by Parnell Williams will take place and include notable left handed Forestville residents.

The panel will discuss the following:

* The impact of monetary policy and the economy on left handed vice presidents

* Costs and benefits of a left handed vice president

* How does international law affect a left handed vice president differently than a right handed vice president?

A Q&A segment will follow the panel discussion.

All left handed people are encouraged to attend.

Right handed people are certainly welcome but are not encouraged to attend. Seating is limited.


National Adverb Expo Coming to Forestville

August 2, 2016

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Adverb enthusiasts will be positively delighted to know that the National Adverb Expo is coming to Forestville the last week of September. Forestville has been chosen to host the National Adverb Expo over Plainville and Southington.

The expo features America’s leading authority on adverbs, Charles Phillip Quickly. He will deliver the keynote lecture entitled, “Living in Hell: A World Without Adverbs.” Mr. Quickly will also discuss the state of the adverb industry and showcase new adverbs he’s been working on, such as “whilethoughstill”, meaning “nevertheless although at the same time” and “cameloexplosively”, a word he hasn’t made up a definition for yet.

Local grammarian Anna McCauley-Ridgeway will chair a panel on “How Adverbs Helped Rescuers During the Catastrophic Flood of ’55”. “One adverb in particular can be singled out as especially heroic,” she says. “When rescuers heard the flood was ‘really’ bad, they knew to come right away.”

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Ms. McCauley-Ridgway points out how adverbs were used in many historic documents and speeches, such as the Declaration of Independence, the Gettysburg Address and Kim Kardashian’s 2016 interview for GQ Magazine — the part where she talks about her love for George W. Bush.

As a guardian of language, Ms. McCauley-Ridgeway worries that grammar is under attack and one day adverbs may no longer exist. So, she encourages attendees to bring their treasured correspondence so that adverbs in their letters and e-mails can be identified and preserved for future generations.

The expo is currently slated to be held at the amazingly big banquet hall strategically, luckily and gratuitously located downtown by the lovely sign for Nuchie’s, near the place with really, really, really good pizza.