Bristol Grocer Baffled by Rise in Valentine’s Day Merchandise sales

February 13, 2017


Recently, sales of cards, stuffed bears, chocolates and other paraphernalia with a Valentine’s Day theme have spiked in the area. One local bag boy, Jimmy Smirdon, is mystified.

“I don’t know what’s special about the month of February,” says Smirdon. “Why do people buy valentine’s stuff now instead of during Christmas when they are out shopping for presents? That is the time to buy gifts for people you love, not a week after Groundhog Day. It’s almost like there’s another holiday coming up, like a second Groundhog Day.”

Smirdon’s girlfriend could not be reached for comment because he has none.


Forestville Residents Confused by President’s Day

February 15, 2016


Maria Malvado is worried about President’s Day. “During Washington’s Birthday we are besieged with sales. Ten percent off this and ten percent off that. However, during MLK Day we pay full price on everything. How come?”

Dewey Jasper is tormented that President Lincoln has a state holiday but not his own federal holiday day and that he has to share recognition with 42 other presidents, presidents like William Henry Harrison. “Once Harrison got into office, he immediately took a bunch of sick days and then went and died. Who does that? Lincoln freed the slaves and was assassinated too, that’s worth a day, maybe two,” Mr. Jasper said.

Ted Liu is completely lost on how to celebrate President’s Day. “Is it just a day off or do we bake cakes, light candles or exchange gifts? Personally, I feel like I let down this holiday by not acknowledging it in a meaningful manner. I mean with Washington we know to have cherry pie because of the whole tree-chopping incident. I’m not aware of any other president’s cutting any shrubberies.”

President’s Day is an American federal holiday and it is observed on the third Monday of February to remember all the presidents.