Oxford Dictionary Unleashes New Word on Helpless Readers

November 19, 2016

oxford-english-dictionary

An unsuspecting world of literature was viciously assaulted when Oxford English Dictionary (OED) launched its “Word of the Year” from silos in Great Britain.

The word, “post-truth,” which is used by five people on TV, led this latest attack on readers. For many straining under the 171,000 entries already in the language, this was the word that pushed them over the edge. English teachers report emergency rooms at liberal arts colleges are overflowing, with up to three patients per desk.

One woman suffering from word-shock spoke to Boardman. “I tried to say my friend speaks haltingly, but I didn’t know whether to use the word ‘stutter’ or ‘stammer’ or ‘sputter’…? I looked them up, but there’s no difference between their meanings. So I hesitated — but did I hesitate, pause or balk or stumble, waver, dither, delay, dillydally, fumble, flounder, linger…? — They all mean the same thing and more synonyms keep being made! Why, God, won’t they stop, halt, cease, end, terminate, finish, quit, desist…?”

Spanish, long considered a safe haven for those fleeing persecution by complex languages, has seen a flood of English-speaking refugees in its classrooms since the stepped-up campaigns of verbal barrage by the OED and the online Urban Dictionary.

Poet Malcolm Frunge has a different problem with OED. “All these smarty pants adding new words to the dictionary,” he says, “yet they still can’t be bothered to add one that rhymes with ‘orange.'”

“These dictionarie (sic) folk have no care for the commoner,” writes local literatus Jon Smyth who thinks he’s British even though he comes from London and has sworn off dictionaries. “Cusum, aggrupation, flerovium… Who uses such words? The blighters even made a picture of an emoji Word of the Yeer (sic) back in aught-15. How can a picture be a word? It’s a bleeding picture! What’ll it be next? Will I be a word too or my auto? We need the bloody Human Rights Commission. Its (sic) a freegin’ war crime, all right. Someone has to stop them before they enslave us all.”

Experts fear it is too late. Oxford is developing new, more fearsome forms of linguistic assault. Rumored to be in the works is an interjection referring to the publisher’s dog, a preposition whose definition depends on what shoes Selena Gomez wears, and a transitive verb that fetuses use in the womb which requires the use of two auxiliary verbs and a direct object that does not normally occur in Nature. Worst of all are their plans for a noun so incredibly difficult to spell and pronounce, leaders at the headquarters of the OED Reichstag boast it will cause the immediate surrender of thousands of brave fighters writing on the literary front.

Several other words were unleashed. Here they are and how to use them:

Bracketology — The study of beer-based drinks used for betting on college sports.

Necrogermanopawnphobia — Fear that a dead German will make you play a game of chess with him.

Post-Bob Knepper — First coined by the wife of Forestville resident Bob Knepper.
How to use it: “My life is going great now — I’m completely post-Bob Knepper.”

Alt-Chicken Soup — Soup that you make after you run out of chicken soup, but that you still tell your family is chicken soup to not disappoint them.

Alt-Steak — Tofu. OED has said no one is going for this term and they may withdraw it soon.

Fishswinger — A loanword from the tiny Greek island of Hermes where fishermen swing their catch around their heads to threaten pirates. It is used to mean someone who prepares taxes. It replaces the now-outdated word, “accountant,” which now means someone who threatens pirates with a fish.
How to use it: “I cast my taxes at a fishswinger by the bank maggots to scale off a few river pigeons.”

Mayor-Cockayne — A term that refers to the current mayor of Bristol.
How to use it: “The mayor of Bristol is Mayor-Cockayne.”
How to use it incorrectly: “The chairman of the Bristol Zoning Commission is Mayor-Cockayne.”


Occupy Renaissance

November 13, 2015
17 acres.

17 acres.

Renaissance Downtowns, a Long Island based developer hired to revitalize the 17-acre lot downtown, is being let go by the city due to their lack of progress over the last five years.

However, Occupy Renaissance, an advocacy group for “Renaissance”, wants them to stay and complete the project.

The group, which currently has two members, established an Occupy camp with tents in the offices that Renaissance formally occupied in city hall. While chanting, “Five More Years! Five More Years! Five More Years!” they display signs showing their support.

One supporter simply known as The Duke said, “Renaissance did not think the community was serious about developing the lot. They thought it was a joke so they went along.”

Said the other Occupy member, “Five years is not a long time. Granted there are no shovels in the ground, and they secured no money, no tenants, and no commitments. No one is perfect.”

A spokesperson for Renaissance remarked, “Finally someone gets us.”

Bristol Mayor Cockayne is going ahead with a more economical way to attract tourists and revitalize downtown. He plans to fill the lot with wool spinners from Old Sturbridge Village and make the world’s biggest ball of yarn.

Coming soon.

Coming soon.


Mayor Sworn in Wants Taco Tuesdays!

November 10, 2015
Taco Tuesday in Forestville!

Taco Tuesday in Forestville!

After being sworn in as mayor for his second term Monday night, Ken Cockayne delivered his inaugural address to an enthusiastic crowd of gushing sycophants.

While constantly looking down and rummaging through his papers, the mayor pledged that he will strongly advocate more right on red turn signs and signals at intersections saying, “It will be the cornerstone of my next two years because it is the gateway to my redevelopment plan. And, I will do it without raising taxes!” The mayor also said to thunderous applause that he wants “Taco Tuesdays” in Forestville schools by January 2016.

In between sobs, sniffles and grabbing for tissues, State Representative Cara Pavalock called the speech “remarkable,” adding, “I have been advocating the same things in Hartford. This is just what we need to get us going.”


Apocalypse Now

November 4, 2015
Apocalypse Now

Apocalypse Now

After the election results were finalized Tuesday night showing Ken Cockayne was elected mayor for another two years, Forestville became the democratic party’s vision of hell. Dozens upon dozens of registered democrats flooded the streets of Forestville blubbering and howling, distraught over the outcome.

City GOP Leader Derek Czenczelewski seeing so many democrats gathered in one place breathed, “The horror! The horror!” And later he was heard muttering, “I must find out who voted against the mayor. Can I FOI that?”

Meanwhile the democrats were incapable of speaking their mouths could make sounds no more so stunned were they.

More were bewildered their minds void.

Notable democrats such as Mary Fortier and Calvin Brown walked the decaying village streets like zombies – dead inside falling into the “the heart of an immense darkness.”

And many more were heard screaming and shrieking the agony too much to bear.

In an early-Wednesday morning tweet-storm Egor, Forestville’s most popular republican and the mayor’s spokesperson, weighed in on the election results.

Egor tweet-storm 1

Egor tweet-storm 1

Egor tweet-storm 2

Egor tweet-storm 2

Two hours later, Egor was back turning his attention to the future.

Egor tweet-storm

Egor tweet-storm

As the night closed one lonely democrat, his face wretched in pain, and his soul barren found the courage to speak of the Forestville that is to be. Borrowing from T.S. Eliot he whispered, “This is the way Forestville ends: Not with a bang but a whimper.”

Egor

Egor


Mayor wants to Land a Man on the Surface of the Sun

November 3, 2015
Manned mission to the sun possible

Manned mission to the sun possible

Speaking before a sparse audience at the Warren G. Harding Society of Forestville, Mayor Ken Cockayne presented a major policy speech on the eve of the 2015 election. The mayor speaking confidently and with his feet firmly planted on the floor said, “I believe we should commit ourselves before this decade is out, or when my term is up whichever comes first, of landing a man on the surface of the sun and returning him safely back to earth. Seriously…Why are you folks laughing?…I am not trying to be funny…Stop laughing…You’re hurting my feelings…Egor!”

The mayor is often characterized by his opponents as a do nothing mayor. However City GOP leader Derek Czenczelewski said that is not true and this idea proves it. “If we go at night when the sun goes down and land on the dark side of the sun during the winter solstice we can do it, especially if the guy wears a fire retardant suit with all that tinfoil stuff. It would be so awesome.”

Mr. Czenczelewski elaborated further by explaining that the mayor can achieve this goal without raising taxes, and a rocket to the sun would be a significant step towards redeveloping downtown.

Drawing of the "Forestville Rocket" going to the sun.

Drawing of the “Forestville Rocket” going to the sun.


The Mayor Changes Skin Moisturizers

October 29, 2015
skin moisturizers

skin moisturizers

During the 2015 election, political insiders have noticed the mayor appears refreshed and relaxed despite the combative nature of the campaign.

Officials close to the mayor, including Egor his trusty spokesperson, said during a campaign stop that it is because the mayor recently changed skin moisturizers. “This shows leadership and adaptability. Him is good everyone else be bad and inept. Err!”

Opponents disagree and say it is just a campaign ploy. “If it shows leadership why didn’t he mention that he changed skin moisturizers during the debate?”

The mayor said he changed moisturizers to improve his skin tone and texture due to the rigors of campaigning.

His surrogates deny charges that he changed bathroom soaps at city hall though. Leaders of the opposition party doubt it and plan to FOI soap invoices. “I heard they got a whole bunch of tiny little baths soaps from Pottery Barn over there,” grunted one angry council member.

Egor

Egor


MAYOR USES AIR STRIKES IN THE WAR ON BLIGHT

October 26, 2015
The results of the F15 airstrikes near Broad Street this morning

The results of the F15 airstrike near Broad Street this morning

The mayor, appearing on Nutmeg Television early Monday morning, told residents of Forestville that he ordered airstrikes against blighted properties in the Forestville section of Bristol in what he called “a huge escalation in the War on Blight.” U.S. military officials at the Pentagon confirm that military aircraft and assets were used in the vicinity of Broad Street.

Seated at his desk with his hands neatly folded and his pencils recently sharpened, the mayor stated the airstrikes were done in the pre-dawn hours by F15 s from the 48th Fighter Squadron out of Langley Air Force Base in Virginia.

The mayor firmly told residents there is no safe-haven for blighted properties or blighted property owners. He later thanked himself for taking this action, “Our community is always stronger when I do something.”

Egor, the mayor’s spokesperson and communications director elaborated to gathered media members outside his office about the decisive action the mayor took, “Him be good blighted properties and owners be bad. Err.”

Egor, appearing before the media this morning

Egor, appearing before the media this morning