Should Cockayne Win John Rowland to be Named Bristol’s Ethics Czar

November 7, 2017

John Rowland Bristol’s Ethics Czar?

Should Bristol Mayor Ken Cockayne be reelected for a third consecutive term, he will name former Connecticut Governor, John G. Rowland, Ethics Czar following his latest release from prison, the mayor said at a campaign rally late yesterday.

“There is no better person to be in charge of ethics in the City of Bristol than Governor Rowland,” Cockayne told the crowd of supporters to loud and thunderous applause.

Rowland, described as a serial ethics violator during his tenure as Connecticut’s Governor, will be released from the Lewisburg security facility in Pennsylvania in May. The mayor relayed to the crowd, “Once John Rowland leaves prison he has a home, here in Bristol, in this administration – next to me, anytime he wants.”

Ironically the mayor, known for his own ethical lapses including most recently showing a salacious photo of his cousin and city councilor to anybody with a set of functioning eyes, has called into question the ethics of his opponent in recent days.

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Election 2017: Your Guide to Bristol’s Municipal Election

November 7, 2017

Today is Election Day and here is what you need to know.

• The polls open at 6AM and close at 8PM with a 45 minute intermission at 4PM during which a zamboni will clear the floors
• Voters may call ahead to reserve a voting booth for a nominal fee. New for 2017 – Kids vote free!
• Tailgating is allowed. The lots open two (2) hours before the first vote is cast and two hours after the last vote is cast
• Office seekers will sign autographs and sell personalized merchandise
• Concession stands are located at each polling station. This year’s vendors include Chick-fil-A, Coca Cola and Papa John’s, except Chippens Hill which will serve Pâté, Caviar and Chilean Seabass made to order courtesy Capitol Hill Grill

Mayor’s Race

The marquee race pits incumbent Ken Cockayne against Ellen Zoppo-Sassu in a rematch for the mayorship. If Mr. Cockayne wins, he will be the first three-term mayor since the last three-term mayor. He carries into the election an on-base percentage of 0.300, off-base percentage of 0.290, predicted jbr (job growth rate) of 3.5% and a cpt (censures per term) of 1.00.

A win for Mrs. Zoppo-Sassu will not only make her the first mayor in Bristol with a hyphenated last name but also the first mayor to have a first name start with a vowel. She has a pamphlet on this topic available at her campaign office. She also has a pamphlet regarding where her campaign office is, available at her campaign office.

Council Races

There are 12 people running for 6 council seats. Of the 12 there are 8 that wear glasses or are ocular deficient:

Wear Glasses
Greg Hahn, Cheryl Thibeault, Andrew Howe, Dave Preleski, Brittany Barney, Eric Carlson, Mary Fortier and Dave Preleski

Don’t Wear Glasses
Tony D’Amato, Josh Medeiros, Peter Kelley with an e, Mr. Mills and Jodi Zils Gagne

City Disclaimer

Each year in the United States, several people are injured in voting accidents. Residents are urged to follow the rules for proper voting safety. Children under 13 should wear appropriate life jackets. Remember, voting safety begins with v.

People taking MAO inhibitors should consult their doctor before engaging in voting or any Corinth-related activity.


Municipal Leaders to Read Local Ordinances to the Public

August 1, 2017

The public is invited to City Hall this Friday to hear Bristol’s politicians read excerpts from the City of Bristol’s Charter and Code of Ordinances.

Representatives of both parties will read not only portions of the ordinances, but the appendixes too.

Ordinances are a group of laws used to govern a municipality. Bristol’s ordinances range from voting machines to street improvements to sewers and more.

Copies of the ordinances will be available for purchase following the event, which is scheduled for 7 p.m. in the Council Chambers.

After the reading municipal leaders, including staff from the Corporation Counsel’s office, will be available for questions, autographs and denunciations. Hors d’oeuvres and an ill tasting punch will be served following the event.

A breakdown of the readings is as follows:

Sec 2. – Construction of the charter*:
Dave Preleski

Sec. 5. – City council districts, voting districts and precincts:
Calvin Brown

Sec. 51. – Referendum:
Andrew Howe

Sec. 55. – Ethics board and conflict of interests (Sections a and b):
Mayor Cockayne

Sec. 56. – Reserved for future use:
Mary Fortier

Appendix C Zoning:
Anthony D’Amato

* Includes Legislative history — Sp. No. 352, § 2, 1911; Sp. No. 102, 1921; Sp. No. 434, § 2, 1931; Sp. No. 489, § 2, 1939.


Oxford Dictionary Unleashes New Word on Helpless Readers

November 19, 2016

oxford-english-dictionary

An unsuspecting world of literature was viciously assaulted when Oxford English Dictionary (OED) launched its “Word of the Year” from silos in Great Britain.

The word, “post-truth,” which is used by five people on TV, led this latest attack on readers. For many straining under the 171,000 entries already in the language, this was the word that pushed them over the edge. English teachers report emergency rooms at liberal arts colleges are overflowing, with up to three patients per desk.

One woman suffering from word-shock spoke to Boardman. “I tried to say my friend speaks haltingly, but I didn’t know whether to use the word ‘stutter’ or ‘stammer’ or ‘sputter’…? I looked them up, but there’s no difference between their meanings. So I hesitated — but did I hesitate, pause or balk or stumble, waver, dither, delay, dillydally, fumble, flounder, linger…? — They all mean the same thing and more synonyms keep being made! Why, God, won’t they stop, halt, cease, end, terminate, finish, quit, desist…?”

Spanish, long considered a safe haven for those fleeing persecution by complex languages, has seen a flood of English-speaking refugees in its classrooms since the stepped-up campaigns of verbal barrage by the OED and the online Urban Dictionary.

Poet Malcolm Frunge has a different problem with OED. “All these smarty pants adding new words to the dictionary,” he says, “yet they still can’t be bothered to add one that rhymes with ‘orange.'”

“These dictionarie (sic) folk have no care for the commoner,” writes local literatus Jon Smyth who thinks he’s British even though he comes from London and has sworn off dictionaries. “Cusum, aggrupation, flerovium… Who uses such words? The blighters even made a picture of an emoji Word of the Yeer (sic) back in aught-15. How can a picture be a word? It’s a bleeding picture! What’ll it be next? Will I be a word too or my auto? We need the bloody Human Rights Commission. Its (sic) a freegin’ war crime, all right. Someone has to stop them before they enslave us all.”

Experts fear it is too late. Oxford is developing new, more fearsome forms of linguistic assault. Rumored to be in the works is an interjection referring to the publisher’s dog, a preposition whose definition depends on what shoes Selena Gomez wears, and a transitive verb that fetuses use in the womb which requires the use of two auxiliary verbs and a direct object that does not normally occur in Nature. Worst of all are their plans for a noun so incredibly difficult to spell and pronounce, leaders at the headquarters of the OED Reichstag boast it will cause the immediate surrender of thousands of brave fighters writing on the literary front.

Several other words were unleashed. Here they are and how to use them:

Bracketology — The study of beer-based drinks used for betting on college sports.

Necrogermanopawnphobia — Fear that a dead German will make you play a game of chess with him.

Post-Bob Knepper — First coined by the wife of Forestville resident Bob Knepper.
How to use it: “My life is going great now — I’m completely post-Bob Knepper.”

Alt-Chicken Soup — Soup that you make after you run out of chicken soup, but that you still tell your family is chicken soup to not disappoint them.

Alt-Steak — Tofu. OED has said no one is going for this term and they may withdraw it soon.

Fishswinger — A loanword from the tiny Greek island of Hermes where fishermen swing their catch around their heads to threaten pirates. It is used to mean someone who prepares taxes. It replaces the now-outdated word, “accountant,” which now means someone who threatens pirates with a fish.
How to use it: “I cast my taxes at a fishswinger by the bank maggots to scale off a few river pigeons.”

Mayor-Cockayne — A term that refers to the current mayor of Bristol.
How to use it: “The mayor of Bristol is Mayor-Cockayne.”
How to use it incorrectly: “The chairman of the Bristol Zoning Commission is Mayor-Cockayne.”


Occupy Renaissance

November 13, 2015
17 acres.

17 acres.

Renaissance Downtowns, a Long Island based developer hired to revitalize the 17-acre lot downtown, is being let go by the city due to their lack of progress over the last five years.

However, Occupy Renaissance, an advocacy group for “Renaissance”, wants them to stay and complete the project.

The group, which currently has two members, established an Occupy camp with tents in the offices that Renaissance formally occupied in city hall. While chanting, “Five More Years! Five More Years! Five More Years!” they display signs showing their support.

One supporter simply known as The Duke said, “Renaissance did not think the community was serious about developing the lot. They thought it was a joke so they went along.”

Said the other Occupy member, “Five years is not a long time. Granted there are no shovels in the ground, and they secured no money, no tenants, and no commitments. No one is perfect.”

A spokesperson for Renaissance remarked, “Finally someone gets us.”

Bristol Mayor Cockayne is going ahead with a more economical way to attract tourists and revitalize downtown. He plans to fill the lot with wool spinners from Old Sturbridge Village and make the world’s biggest ball of yarn.

Coming soon.

Coming soon.


Mayor Sworn in Wants Taco Tuesdays!

November 10, 2015
Taco Tuesday in Forestville!

Taco Tuesday in Forestville!

After being sworn in as mayor for his second term Monday night, Ken Cockayne delivered his inaugural address to an enthusiastic crowd of gushing sycophants.

While constantly looking down and rummaging through his papers, the mayor pledged that he will strongly advocate more right on red turn signs and signals at intersections saying, “It will be the cornerstone of my next two years because it is the gateway to my redevelopment plan. And, I will do it without raising taxes!” The mayor also said to thunderous applause that he wants “Taco Tuesdays” in Forestville schools by January 2016.

In between sobs, sniffles and grabbing for tissues, State Representative Cara Pavalock called the speech “remarkable,” adding, “I have been advocating the same things in Hartford. This is just what we need to get us going.”


Apocalypse Now

November 4, 2015
Apocalypse Now

Apocalypse Now

After the election results were finalized Tuesday night showing Ken Cockayne was elected mayor for another two years, Forestville became the democratic party’s vision of hell. Dozens upon dozens of registered democrats flooded the streets of Forestville blubbering and howling, distraught over the outcome.

City GOP Leader Derek Czenczelewski seeing so many democrats gathered in one place breathed, “The horror! The horror!” And later he was heard muttering, “I must find out who voted against the mayor. Can I FOI that?”

Meanwhile the democrats were incapable of speaking their mouths could make sounds no more so stunned were they.

More were bewildered their minds void.

Notable democrats such as Mary Fortier and Calvin Brown walked the decaying village streets like zombies – dead inside falling into the “the heart of an immense darkness.”

And many more were heard screaming and shrieking the agony too much to bear.

In an early-Wednesday morning tweet-storm Egor, Forestville’s most popular republican and the mayor’s spokesperson, weighed in on the election results.

Egor tweet-storm 1

Egor tweet-storm 1

Egor tweet-storm 2

Egor tweet-storm 2

Two hours later, Egor was back turning his attention to the future.

Egor tweet-storm

Egor tweet-storm

As the night closed one lonely democrat, his face wretched in pain, and his soul barren found the courage to speak of the Forestville that is to be. Borrowing from T.S. Eliot he whispered, “This is the way Forestville ends: Not with a bang but a whimper.”

Egor

Egor