In Effort to Prove They Believe in Free Trade, China Raises More Obstacles to U.S. Imports

April 5, 2018

Complaining about unreasonable duties and other restrictions China places on U.S. manufacturers, Trump announced duties on select Chinese imports. In response, China raised their tariffs even further. The most concerning for Wall Street were those on soybeans, partially or totally deterred tobacco, undeterred tobacco, and utterly shameless tobacco.

Tariffs will also affect “vehicles equipped with a compression-ignition reciprocating piston internal combustion engine and a drive motor that can be charged by plugging in an external power source.” Exempt are those with equid-driven power systems, also known as “horse-drawn carriages.”

In searching for new imports to tax, China added to the list non-Chinese-speaking camelids, peanuts processed in a facility that also processes peanuts, and wheat-based corn. Said one farmer in Narnia, “This will definitely impact us where for generations, the White Witch let us and the beaver family raise corn from wheat seeds.”

Noted Wall Street alarmist Jed Whooshan was alarmed by the added tariffs on 1,1,1-trichloro-2,2-Bis(4-chlorophenyl)ethane products, primary shaped epoxy resin and odd-shaped bubblegum. In a call to subscribers to his newsletter, he changed his recommendation from buying gold to buying more gold. “The only thing that would change my recommendation,” he said, “is if China allowed in 1,2,1-trichloro-2,2-Bis(4-chlorophenyl)ethane. In which case, investors should buy gold.”

The China-U.S. trade issue mirrors the trade problem plaguing Bristol. In an effort to level the playing field with Southington, the Bristol city council is considering tariffs and leveling their playing field, which is two inches higher at one end. In the crosshairs are imports of apples, female escorts and toys won at booths in the Southington half of Lake Compounce.


Sunday Conversation

August 28, 2016

Sunday Conversation 01

For my Sunday Conversation this week I sat down with Morty Schleckman, who just returned from Rio. The Bristol native was America’s representative in the inaugural 200m waterslide.

Boardman: You finished just out of the medals.

MS: The field was tough. The Samoans swept the event. They’re like rocket-powered cannonballs down the slide.

Boardman: Tell us about what’s involved in the 200m waterslide.

MS: Essentially you lie on your back at the top and slide down. It usually helps if you raise your hands and yell, “Woo hoo!”

Boardman: Where do you train?

MS: Lake Compounce provided Mammoth Falls as our training facility, a family raft adventure. The mornings are usually reserved for us athletes with the kids kicked off the ride.

Boardman: There’s been controversy at this year’s Olympics.

MS: Many Russians were disqualified due to the use of performance-enhancing drugs. In my event, one guy was getting injections of genetically modified chicken fat to help him go faster down the slide. We first suspected it when we’d become very hungry whenever he was around.

Boardman: Tell us about your Olympic experience.

MS: I marched in the opening ceremony. Michael Phelps carried the American flag around the stadium while I was honored to be chosen by my fellow Olympians to push the American pretzel cart. Sadly, they didn’t want me in the closing ceremony. I think they were embarrassed
by my performance on the slide. I understand it – I did lose my swim trunks during one run.

Boardman: What’s the next competition you’re preparing for?

MS: The World Cup. It’ll be held in Italy this year. With the recent earthquake, I hear the slide has become more challenging.

Lake Compounce Promises New Bees This Year

March 5, 2016


When Lake Compounce, the oldest continuously operating amusement park in the United States, opens this summer, there will be a new attraction for the entire family to enjoy, bumblebees.

“Guests always expect us to add new things,” said Alejandro Bega, Assistant to the Assistant Vice President of Operations at Lake Compounce. “We’ve had yellow jackets at the park for years and years and years, so adding bumblebees is exciting.”

Unlike the yellow jackets which stay near the garbage cans in the food areas, it is not known yet where the bumblebees will be located. “Lake Compounce is always improving and expanding and the addition of bumblebees proves this,” Bega told reporters.

Because Lake Compounce does not use a QuickPass system, Mr. Bega also said guests will enjoy longer lines and wait times for rides this year too. “We see this not as a deterrent but an opportunity for family, friends and strangers to really to get to know one another.”

The amusement park has been open and providing summer fun since 1846 and this summer will be no different. “Lake Compounce is always looking to improve and expand and the addition of bumblebees and longer lines and wait times shows our commitment to our customers,” Bega remarked.