Bob Knepper Divorce from Work Wife Getting Ugly

April 9, 2018

Last week Bob Knepper announced he is divorcing his work wife Stephanie Rogers of three years.

The pair work at the Forestville consulting firm of Landry, Issel and Escalanté.

Initially it appeared the co-workers were comfortable with their workplace uncoupling as relations were amicable, but late last week the relationship went completely south.

A work associate, who wished to remain anonymous but is named Hal Gurney, told Boardman confidentially, “Knepper claims his ex-work wife divulged personal details about him in a conspiracy to embarrass him.” Gurney added, “Bob thinks Stephanie is telling everyone that he arrives late every day but makes up for it by leaving early. He also said that she said he routinely gets drunk at office parties and falls asleep on the job. BFD everyone knew that already.”

Mr. Kneeper has certainly experienced his fair share of office faux pas lately. Last week he microwaved fish, which is a cardinal sin in any office, and in successive days he purposively burned popcorn and sauerkraut.

Meanwhile, for her part, Ms. Rogers has openly been getting coffee with another male employee during afternoon breaks, and not wearing headphones will listening to her music.

In response, Mr. Knepper is seeking primary physical custody of the small refrigerator he shared with Ms. Rogers.

Ms. Rogers has asked their supervisor to move Knepper’s cubicle.

Employees admit they are really enjoying the drama because it makes for great office gossip.

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Bob Kneeper Seeks Divorce from Work Wife

March 29, 2018

Employees at the Forestville consulting firm Landry, Issel and Escalanté were surprised to learn that Bob Kneeper and his work wife Stephanie Rogers are calling it quits after three years together. The work spouses are citing irreconcilable differences.

According to sources, Knepper broke of the relationship last Friday. “She was constantly reminding him to clean his desk and put staples in his stapler. He felt like he was at home with his real wife,” a source told Boardman Wednesday.

The work colleagues were cube-mates and shared a pencil sharpener and a small refrigerator. They often bitched to each other about co-workers and personal matters while regularly buying coffee together during their afternoon break.

The relationship showed signs of being in peril last quarter when Stephanie’s position began to rise within the company. Mr. Knepper responded by going outside their circle for support and coffee.

Mr. Knepper is seeking full custody of the black compact refrigerator. However, many within the office see this as a spiteful move.

This marks Mr. Kneeper’s third work spouse divorce while this is Ms. Rogers first.


Bristol Blues Announce 2017 Promotional Dates

March 18, 2017

The Bristol Blues are entering their third season in the FCBL and they have just released a portion of their 2017 promotional calendar. There are numerous promotions throughout the season and here are just a few.

Saturday June 10, 7PM, Breathalyzer Night

Come to the game, pass a breathalyzer test in the 7th inning, and receive a free beer. Presented by Anheuser-Busch.

Wednesday June 28, 7PM, No Cheering Night

Fans in attendance are encouraged to sit silently and not cheer. Text, read and shut-up!

Saturday July 8, Medication Night

Meds anyone? Bring your empty medication bottles and have them filled by a pharmacist.

Tuesday July 25, Survey Night

Come on down to historic Muzzy Field and take a survey. Take your pick from the Memorial Boulevard, Route 6 Corridor, Downtown Vision, Centre Square, or 2017 Election, Surveys.

Representatives from Milone & MacBroom, Fitzgerald and Halliday, Inc., the Chamber of Commerce and the Forestville consulting firm of Landry, Issel and Escalanté will tally the results.

Thursday August 3, 7PM, Running of the Bulls

A bull run or “encierros” as it is referred to in Spanish will be held following the top part of the 5th inning.

Starting near Bristol Pizza the bulls will chase the runners down Jacobs Street, to Muzzy Street and through the entrance to the stadium along the right field line and onto the field to a cheering bloodthirsty crowd.

The game will resume with the bulls staying on the field to graze.

Chaos, danger and fun for the entire family!

Events and Giveaways

The 2017 season will also feature some fun events and giveaways too.

Thursday June 15
Pre-melted Ice Night. The first 100 fans receive a bag of pre-melted ice.

Tuesday July 4
The first 50 fans through the gates receive renderings of the City Council as STAR WARS™ characters by Forestville students.

Freedom Of Information Night
Suspicious of the guy sitting next to you? FOIA forms for everybody!

Friday August 4, Empty Stadium Night
No game scheduled. The first 100 spectators not to attend will receive nothing, which can be redeemed at the team store.

The Bristol Blues play in the Futures Collegiate Baseball League (FCBL). It is a wood bat collegiate summer baseball league. Each team plays 56 regular season games (28 home and 28 away) and the Blues play at historic Muzzy Field.


Mayor Seeks Reelection

February 5, 2017

2017-election-03

The mayor announced this week that he will seek a third term as mayor of Bristol/Forestville. The republican mayor said he would like to build off the progress he has established.

As expected the announcement was met with mixed reactions.

Bristol republicans were overjoyed with the announcement and at the prospect of another term. Said Garrison Chafee, “He’s done a really good job with his War on Blight and…um…there was that other thing too…oh shoot what was it? Ah jeez…it’s on the tip of my tongue…uhhhh.”

Lathan Eikel echoed those thoughts, “He’s done a really good job with his War on Blight and…um…there was that other thing too…oh shoot what was it? Ah jeez…it’s on the tip of tongue…uhhhh.”

Meanwhile the democrats could not stop laughing when the announcement was made. However, what cannot be laughed at though is whoever challenges the mayor it will prove to be a difficult task because he has not lost an election. He remains popular with his base and people that don’t like democrats, according to data compiled for the mayor by the Forestville firm Landry, Issel and Escalanté.

Limping Larry, a dedicated and loyal democrat, said the mayor is vulnerable this year due to his behavioral but he anticipates his party will go in a different direction, “We ran a candidate in 13 that wore glasses and a candidate in 15 that wore glasses too. This time the candidate will not wear glasses. Contacts maybe, readers or cheaters a possibility; a monocle if need be, but glasses no way. I believe voters will respond to that.”

The 2017 elections will be held Tuesday November 7th.


Findings of First Major Survey of Forestville Residents in 2017 Released

January 18, 2017

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Jan. 18, 2017, 5:27 AM
Jan. 19, 4714, Year of the Monkey, 6:27 PM (Beijing)
Forestville – A recent poll of Forestville residents on a variety of topics conducted by the consulting firm of Landry, Issel and Escalanté produced shocking results.

The opinion poll first found that 9% of people had no opinion. 50% of the 9% felt “mostly upset” when the polling firm made fun of them. And 1% of respondents refused to respond.

70% of respondents that identify themselves as “women” want a sexual relationship with a werewolf. 56% of those said a robot would “do” if a werewolf was busy or unavailable. 20% who identified as robots also wanted a sexual relationship with a werewolf.

60% of respondents want Forestville to have a Fast and Furious Day, where speed limits and driving laws are suspended. “Residents expressed a desire to stare drivers down, rev engines, screech tires and drive fast without worrying about tickets or boy scouts helping elderly women across the street,” said a Landry, Issel and Escalanté spokesman.

The spokesman added, “These results provide us with a picture of the average inhabitant of Forestville. Put together, we conclude they tend to be curiously wacky. We believe it will help market the village to businesses that would fit in like clown colleges or the Willy Wonka chocolate factory which is always on the lookout for new Oompa Loompas.”

Other results that support the pollsters’ conclusions:

97% of Forestville residents identifying as conspiracy theorists believe most consumer products are not manufactured on Earth. They also thought the poll was not compiled on Earth.

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50% of residents identifying as unidentified don’t know the number for 911.

Roughly 20% believe Jimmy Hoffa is buried in the Pequabuck River. 12% of them believe he lies next to pirate gold. 10% further believe the pirate treasure includes the Obamaphone Blackbeard used to prank call English warships.

Almost 90% of Forestville Republicans support repealing and replacing Obamacare. However, only 20% of them support repealing and replacing the Affordable Care Act.

Landry but not Issel or Escalanté observed, “When ‘Obamacare’ was referenced, the breathing was heavy and they became verbally abusive. However, when the term ‘Affordable Care Act’ was mentioned instead, breathing was regular and their tone was happy and perky.”

50% of Democrats refused to identify themselves as Democrats to the firm even though Landry, Issel and Escalanté knew they were. 20% even changed their number to stop what 90% termed the firm’s “harassing” phone calls.

The poll consisted of random telephone calls and the margin of error was nearly 100% with a zero level of confidence in any of the answers.

Alternatively, the poll results also suggest the 70% sheepishness of residents makes the village ideal for takeover by any malevolent spirits looking to relocate or mastermind wanting to spread a ‘Resident Evil’-type virus.”


City Hall Relocation Sticker Shock

December 11, 2016

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City officials recently heard proposals by the Public Works Department to either move City Hall offices to Memorial Boulevard School or renovate the existing building. The price tag is between $20 – 24 million; less if they share space with homeschooler Mrs. Thurman’s first-grade class.

Critics of the proposal were shocked by its cost and the prospect of having to use safety scissors and student chair desks for official business.

Forestville consulting firm Landry, Issel and Escalanté presented an alternative to City Councilors, the Board of Finance, the Memorial Boulevard School Committee, and Jerry the Security Guard.

The idea is to convert City Hall to a Tiny House on wheels. A Tiny House is between 100 and 400 square feet and it is mobile. “Why pay millions to renovate or move when we can have a Mobile City Hall for under $25,000?” the report asked.

The new City Hall?

The new City Hall?

The proposal is gaining traction especially among Councilors and Jerry the Security Guard. Proponents say that by using a tiny home for City Hall they can eliminate clutter, downsize staff, force collaboration, eliminate security concerns and City Hall can come to the taxpayers not the taxpayers to City Hall.


City to Ban Laughing?

August 18, 2016

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City officials are considering an ordinance that would ban all laughter in local municipal government buildings and properties.

Uptight residents feel laughter can be a noisy nuisance in City Hall and other government settings. Therefore, the City Council is reviewing a report produced by Landry, Issel and Escalanté, a Forestville based consulting firm, that outlines a plan to stop laughter altogether in City Hall.

The report says, “Not only can laugher be a nuisance but it can also result in harmful and excessive levels of noise pollution too if left unregulated.”

Several residents were offended when they saw numerous individuals laughing within the corridors of City Hall. As a result they approached councilors about commissioning a report to study the ill effects.

Resident, and local busybody and meddler Claire Higensbee, 73, said, “If I see someone laughing during a City Council meeting I am suspicious. Aren’t you? Laughter is a sign of aggression and can be very offensive especially if you don’t know why someone is laughing so it needs to stop.”

The proposed ordinance as outlined by Landry, Issel and Escalanté, reads in part:

“It shall be unlawful for any person, citizen or employee in any government building or property within the City of Bristol or the Village of Forestville thereof to:

a) laugh, giggle crack-up, chuckle, snicker, guffaw or encourage others to engage in similar activities.
b) Spread mirth, merriment or any type of har-de-har activity.
c) Violating such ordinance will result in a citation or fine ranging from $100-$250.”

Critics argue that once laughter is banned all forms of human expression of joy could be deemed illegal.

Sources confirm that a report on the detrimental effects of smiling is currently under consideration. According to Mrs. Higensbee you cannot trust someone that smiles at City Hall, “How do we know that smile is not a fake smile or a devious smile? It’s best to just look glum and bored. Who can be hurt by that?”