Republicanville

May 5, 2017

Yesterday afternoon House Republicans passed a bill to repeal and replace the Affordable Care Act thus fulfilling a seven year promise. It is projected that 24 million people will be without health insurance and top income earners will receive a massive tax break.

Local republicans took to the streets of Forestville and celebrated.

At Republican headquarters party members gathered and were delighted that health care could not only be taken away from people across the country, but locally too. Many proudly took selfies with the House Bill while others were seen fist bumping, high fiving and relishing the moment.

Republican strategist Latham Eikel and his wife Eleanor were writhing in orgasmic pleasure. The normally reserved and puritanical Eikel’s were quivering and crying out in shear ecstasy that the wealthy would receive a much needed and deserved capital gains tax cut.

Others were foaming at the mouth unable to control their delight that the elderly, sick, and the poor would lose health insurance. Still more were thrilled and beaming that under the Bill insurance companies can charge higher prices on customers with pre-existing illnesses or that hospitals in poor areas with vulnerable populations would see cuts in outpatient care and services for the mentally ill.


Mayor Seeks Reelection

February 5, 2017

2017-election-03

The mayor announced this week that he will seek a third term as mayor of Bristol/Forestville. The republican mayor said he would like to build off the progress he has established.

As expected the announcement was met with mixed reactions.

Bristol republicans were overjoyed with the announcement and at the prospect of another term. Said Garrison Chafee, “He’s done a really good job with his War on Blight and…um…there was that other thing too…oh shoot what was it? Ah jeez…it’s on the tip of my tongue…uhhhh.”

Lathan Eikel echoed those thoughts, “He’s done a really good job with his War on Blight and…um…there was that other thing too…oh shoot what was it? Ah jeez…it’s on the tip of tongue…uhhhh.”

Meanwhile the democrats could not stop laughing when the announcement was made. However, what cannot be laughed at though is whoever challenges the mayor it will prove to be a difficult task because he has not lost an election. He remains popular with his base and people that don’t like democrats, according to data compiled for the mayor by the Forestville firm Landry, Issel and Escalanté.

Limping Larry, a dedicated and loyal democrat, said the mayor is vulnerable this year due to his behavioral but he anticipates his party will go in a different direction, “We ran a candidate in 13 that wore glasses and a candidate in 15 that wore glasses too. This time the candidate will not wear glasses. Contacts maybe, readers or cheaters a possibility; a monocle if need be, but glasses no way. I believe voters will respond to that.”

The 2017 elections will be held Tuesday November 7th.


From the Forestville….

April 12, 2016

Newsdesk 01

Hello everyone,

Here are the stories coming in to the Forestville NewsDesk at this hour.

Hey Forestville Republicans Two Weeks to go to Choose Your Demagogue!

Trump Cruz

Only two weeks remain until republicans choose their demagogue! Are you registered to vote? Have you weighed the negatives versus the negatives?

One wants to build a wall the other wants to patrol neighborhoods. Who to pick, who to pick?

April 26 is primary day in Connecticut!

Forestville Democrats Make Plans to Live Completely Under Republican Rule

Town democrats fear they will lose more elections this fall and are preparing for the potential impact. Consequently they are conducting seminars once a month at the Forestville Social Club to reduce the stress and are telling rank and file democrats:

Remain calm
Call family members
Check on neighbors especially the elderly

More later on this story.

Divided Lane to End Residents Rejoice

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Late last week several residents came out in support for ending the divided lanes on Memorial Boulevard. They told city councilors the decision to go to one lane is closing the book on an era of discrimination, “Why should slow drivers be forced to drive in their own lane? Now we are all being treated the same,” said Missy Bettins.

Supporters of Legislative Candidate Deny He is a Whiner

Peter Del Mastro, a Republican candidate for the 79th District seat in the Connecticut General Assembly, was accused of being a whiner in the Letters to the Editor section of a local newspaper. A charge his supporters deny. “Yes he habitually gripes about the democrats, bemoans their policies, grumbles about their ineptitude and moans about them personally but in no way shape or form is he a whiner,” complained Latham Eikel, a Del Mastro supporter.

Legendary Local Garage Band Breaks up Before First Rehearsal

Wet Floor 01

Wet Floor, a Forestville based garage band, has broken up. Stating “creative differences” the band ceased operations prior to their first rehearsal. “We met on Monday, formed the band on Tuesday and broke up on Wednesday,” remarked a disgruntled Ryan Campanella, the lead singer. “It’s the end of an era but we had to break up because we were a spent force creatively.”


The Games Begin

January 25, 2016

COUNCILGATE 02

Calvin Brown, a popular democratic town councilman, recently purchased a home outside of his voting district due to a personal matter and will reside there once his current home is sold. This has caused quite a stir in local political circles because it may preclude him from completing his term.

Republican leaders believe this makes sense since Mr. Brown is now a foreigner working illegally in a district in which he is not a resident.

The public is split about the predicament. Noted vagrant Tom Hasbro said, “I may finally run for Town Council now that whosamawhatsit is out of there. I got great plans for the city, including free beer for people whose name ends in Bro”.

Others, like Forestville’s most popular girl in high school Marjorie Millsap, think it doesn’t matter where a councilman lives as long as he is a Democrat. “I would also be in favor of him if he were Leonardo DiCaprio. His experience in Titanic makes him well prepared to serve no matter where he lives.”

Latham Eikel a spokesperson for Derek Czenczelewski, the city GOP leader who outed Mr. Brown’s real estate transaction, remarked, “It’s also morally reprehensible that Mr. Brown would betray his district and take up with that other district across town. I hope there is a special election!”

Sarah Palin, possible Council District 1 candidate

Sarah Palin, possible Council District 1 candidate

Rumors abound as to who would run in an election to fill Mr. Brown’s seat. Republicans are currently pushing for Sarah Palin as she would thin out the deer herds that hunters claim are rampaging through the Forestville and Bristol streets.

The local head of the Democrat party is considering running a Syrian refugee. Said the head, “They’re here already. We got to find something for them to do.”

AB


Bill of Rights Day Down the Tubes

December 16, 2015
Bill of Rights Day

Bill of Rights Day

For Latham Eikel yesterday’s Bill of Rights Day was a crushing let down. It was bad enough that no one showed up for his Bill of Rights Party, but he was equally disappointed that there were no parades, no sales and no cookouts honoring the ten amendments to the U.S. Constitution.

Equally frustrating for Mr. Eikel is not a single store sold Bill of Rights merchandise. “Today while shopping I saw Star Wars water bottles, mugs, t-shirts, air fresheners, sheets, jackets, ornaments, caskets, condoms and pregnancy kits, but no Bill of Rights stuff,” he sniffed.

Meanwhile Mr. Latham’s neighbor and video game addict Bernie Tumbar, who admittedly takes the Bill of Rights for granted, could care less for Latham, his party or his plight. “No one showed up for Eikel’s stupid party? Bummer. Pass the bean dip. It’s in the Star Wars casserole dish.”

Indeed. Pass the bean dip, Forestville. Pass the bean dip.

Bill of Rights Day December 15

Bill of Rights Day December 15


Forestville Man Takes Bill of Rights for Granted

December 15, 2015
The Bill of Rights taken for granted

The Bill of Rights taken for granted

The Bill of Rights is the name given to the first ten amendments to the United States Constitution and today is the 224th anniversary of its ratification.

Forestville resident Bernie Tumbar takes the Bill of Rights for granted. “I underestimate the value of those amendments every day. I just want to play video games and be left alone,” Mr. Tumbar explained from a futon in his mother’s dimly lit smoke filled basement.

Meanwhile his neighbor Latham Eikel sits in his solarium across the street carefully planning a party for the Bill of Rights with all the trimmings because he takes it very seriously. There will be cake, balloons and 18th century clothing and fare.

Mr. Eikel mailed invitations last month but no one has bothered to RSVP as yet. “I am disappointed. Is everybody standing in line to see Star Wars? What is more important Star Wars or the Bill of Rights? Jesus!”

Mr. Eikel said he will have the party even if no one shows up. However, he has no plans to invite Mr. Tumbar because he believes his neighbor is an idiot.


Due to State Budget Deficit Math, English and Science to be Cut from School

November 23, 2015
Board of Education Building

Board of Education Building

Republicans have long wanted to run government like a business. Therefore, according to sources now that they have control of the town council and the mayor’s office, they are planning on doing just that.

Faced with a growing state deficit, local school systems were told to slash their budgets. As a result town republicans are recommending that because math, english and science classes do not make any money for the school system they must be eliminated from the curriculum.

“The football programs make money. The Booster Clubs make money. Even the AV Clubs make money. Math, English and Science? They don’t make jack they lose money so they have to go,” said Latham Eikel, a republican operative.

Area republicans applauded the decision, “It’s about time we started running government like a business. Until these subjects can produce revenue and turn a profit, I see no reason for them to be taught in school!” remarked a gushing Cookie Genison, a registered republican.

AB
Courage

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