Mayor Goes on Resignation Crusade!

September 20, 2017

Due to the Board of Education’s 2-million-dollar shortfall, the mayor took to social media recently and asked for two of its elected volunteers to resign. Many residents were shocked while his loyal and rabid supporters stood by his statement. However, Boardman has learned that the mayor’s resignation demand is not limited to merely the Board of Education.

Last Saturday during a baseball game at Forestville Little League, with a runner on first in the last inning and his team down by a run, Manager Ed Oates did not ask his batter to bunt. Instead the batter swung away and he hit into a double play.

The mayor, who was in attendance, was incensed by the strategy. Following the ballgame, he again took to social media and condemned the coaches and asked that they too resign. “How do you not bunt in that situation?” he asked pointedly. “I don’t know why they did not bunt they’re, their…then…but they should do everyone a favor and quit.”

His minions, who were not at the game nor familiar with the batter or his skill set or the managers thinking, were quick to pile on to impress the supreme leader. Patriot50 fired the first salvo, “I have tapes of this guy coaching games and I will send them to America’s Funniest Home Videos!” she angrily wrote.

Mimi Pipkens was up next and fired at will. “I heard when Moses came down from Mount Sinai he left several commandments behind and one of them was ‘Thou Shall Not Let Ed Oates be a Volunteer or Manage a Baseball Team.’”

Latham Eikel was more direct and snarled, “For not bunting Ed Oates should be hung and dragged through the streets of Forestville like Mussolini.”

The mayor was not done.

Julius Denforth is the Den Leader for Cub Scout Troop 314, which meets at Greene Hills School Monday nights between 7:30 and 9:00 P.M. Upon hearing that Troop 314 meets Monday nights, the mayor took to social media to denounce Julius and demand his resignation. “Who schedules a meeting during Monday night Football? This guy needs to reszin, reszi,…I mean quit.”

The mayor then went on to provide a list of volunteers that he feels must leave because he said so: Volunteer Fire Departments, Hurricane Irma relief volunteers, Habitat for the Humanities, Red Cross, ARF and the lemonade stand on Academy Street because “the lemonade don’t taste twoto..too…no good.”

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Will There be a Debate?

July 14, 2017

Last week everyone at the G20 Summit was discussing John Podesta and the DNC server. However, according to sources the “big talk” at the summit was actually, when will Bristol’s mayoral candidates have a debate?

The campaigns of Republican incumbent Ken Cockayne and his Democratic challenger, Ellen Zoppo-Sassu, have yet to officially discuss a debate schedule.

However, operatives say the republicans do not want any debates whatsoever because they are worried Donna Brazile will provide Ellen the questions prior to the debates. “We will not be Brazilled!” exclaimed Jeff Caggiano, Chairman of the Bristol Republican Town Committee at a recent fundraiser.

Should a debate schedule be worked out, a completely fictional Boardman source said republicans will insist that the mayor’s podium be bigger than Mrs. Zoppo-Sassu’s and that she be prohibited from making an opening or closing statement. In fact, they will demand she not be allowed to speak, talk, chat, enunciate, verbalize, or whisper, and most importantly, she must pledge not to roll her eyes. “We would prefer she not be invited at all,” said one Republican source who asked that his name, Latham Eikel, not be revealed.

No word from the Zoppo-Sassu campaign if these terms are acceptable.

Noted historian Doris Kearns-Goodwin weighed in on the matter and keenly observed that Bristol’s 2017 election for mayor will be historic. Not because a racial barrier will fall, or the first Roman Catholic will be elected or a man in a wheelchair will win, or a billionaire businessman from New York will defy the odds and beat an establishment candidate.

Rather, should the mayor be victorious, he will be the first Bristol mayor to be re-elected that was censured by the city council, and cost the taxpayers over $100,000 in legal fees due to a “lapse in judgment.”

Meanwhile, if Ellen Zoppo-Sassu is elected she will be the first mayor in Bristol to have a hyphenated last name.

This sentenced was written due to boredom.

Boardman


Republicanville

May 5, 2017

Yesterday afternoon House Republicans passed a bill to repeal and replace the Affordable Care Act thus fulfilling a seven year promise. It is projected that 24 million people will be without health insurance and top income earners will receive a massive tax break.

Local republicans took to the streets of Forestville and celebrated.

At Republican headquarters party members gathered and were delighted that health care could not only be taken away from people across the country, but locally too. Many proudly took selfies with the House Bill while others were seen fist bumping, high fiving and relishing the moment.

Republican strategist Latham Eikel and his wife Eleanor were writhing in orgasmic pleasure. The normally reserved and puritanical Eikel’s were quivering and crying out in shear ecstasy that the wealthy would receive a much needed and deserved capital gains tax cut.

Others were foaming at the mouth unable to control their delight that the elderly, sick, and the poor would lose health insurance. Still more were thrilled and beaming that under the Bill insurance companies can charge higher prices on customers with pre-existing illnesses or that hospitals in poor areas with vulnerable populations would see cuts in outpatient care and services for the mentally ill.


Mayor Seeks Reelection

February 5, 2017

2017-election-03

The mayor announced this week that he will seek a third term as mayor of Bristol/Forestville. The republican mayor said he would like to build off the progress he has established.

As expected the announcement was met with mixed reactions.

Bristol republicans were overjoyed with the announcement and at the prospect of another term. Said Garrison Chafee, “He’s done a really good job with his War on Blight and…um…there was that other thing too…oh shoot what was it? Ah jeez…it’s on the tip of my tongue…uhhhh.”

Lathan Eikel echoed those thoughts, “He’s done a really good job with his War on Blight and…um…there was that other thing too…oh shoot what was it? Ah jeez…it’s on the tip of tongue…uhhhh.”

Meanwhile the democrats could not stop laughing when the announcement was made. However, what cannot be laughed at though is whoever challenges the mayor it will prove to be a difficult task because he has not lost an election. He remains popular with his base and people that don’t like democrats, according to data compiled for the mayor by the Forestville firm Landry, Issel and Escalanté.

Limping Larry, a dedicated and loyal democrat, said the mayor is vulnerable this year due to his behavioral but he anticipates his party will go in a different direction, “We ran a candidate in 13 that wore glasses and a candidate in 15 that wore glasses too. This time the candidate will not wear glasses. Contacts maybe, readers or cheaters a possibility; a monocle if need be, but glasses no way. I believe voters will respond to that.”

The 2017 elections will be held Tuesday November 7th.


From the Forestville….

April 12, 2016

Newsdesk 01

Hello everyone,

Here are the stories coming in to the Forestville NewsDesk at this hour.

Hey Forestville Republicans Two Weeks to go to Choose Your Demagogue!

Trump Cruz

Only two weeks remain until republicans choose their demagogue! Are you registered to vote? Have you weighed the negatives versus the negatives?

One wants to build a wall the other wants to patrol neighborhoods. Who to pick, who to pick?

April 26 is primary day in Connecticut!

Forestville Democrats Make Plans to Live Completely Under Republican Rule

Town democrats fear they will lose more elections this fall and are preparing for the potential impact. Consequently they are conducting seminars once a month at the Forestville Social Club to reduce the stress and are telling rank and file democrats:

Remain calm
Call family members
Check on neighbors especially the elderly

More later on this story.

Divided Lane to End Residents Rejoice

DSCN7121

Late last week several residents came out in support for ending the divided lanes on Memorial Boulevard. They told city councilors the decision to go to one lane is closing the book on an era of discrimination, “Why should slow drivers be forced to drive in their own lane? Now we are all being treated the same,” said Missy Bettins.

Supporters of Legislative Candidate Deny He is a Whiner

Peter Del Mastro, a Republican candidate for the 79th District seat in the Connecticut General Assembly, was accused of being a whiner in the Letters to the Editor section of a local newspaper. A charge his supporters deny. “Yes he habitually gripes about the democrats, bemoans their policies, grumbles about their ineptitude and moans about them personally but in no way shape or form is he a whiner,” complained Latham Eikel, a Del Mastro supporter.

Legendary Local Garage Band Breaks up Before First Rehearsal

Wet Floor 01

Wet Floor, a Forestville based garage band, has broken up. Stating “creative differences” the band ceased operations prior to their first rehearsal. “We met on Monday, formed the band on Tuesday and broke up on Wednesday,” remarked a disgruntled Ryan Campanella, the lead singer. “It’s the end of an era but we had to break up because we were a spent force creatively.”


The Games Begin

January 25, 2016

COUNCILGATE 02

Calvin Brown, a popular democratic town councilman, recently purchased a home outside of his voting district due to a personal matter and will reside there once his current home is sold. This has caused quite a stir in local political circles because it may preclude him from completing his term.

Republican leaders believe this makes sense since Mr. Brown is now a foreigner working illegally in a district in which he is not a resident.

The public is split about the predicament. Noted vagrant Tom Hasbro said, “I may finally run for Town Council now that whosamawhatsit is out of there. I got great plans for the city, including free beer for people whose name ends in Bro”.

Others, like Forestville’s most popular girl in high school Marjorie Millsap, think it doesn’t matter where a councilman lives as long as he is a Democrat. “I would also be in favor of him if he were Leonardo DiCaprio. His experience in Titanic makes him well prepared to serve no matter where he lives.”

Latham Eikel a spokesperson for Derek Czenczelewski, the city GOP leader who outed Mr. Brown’s real estate transaction, remarked, “It’s also morally reprehensible that Mr. Brown would betray his district and take up with that other district across town. I hope there is a special election!”

Sarah Palin, possible Council District 1 candidate

Sarah Palin, possible Council District 1 candidate

Rumors abound as to who would run in an election to fill Mr. Brown’s seat. Republicans are currently pushing for Sarah Palin as she would thin out the deer herds that hunters claim are rampaging through the Forestville and Bristol streets.

The local head of the Democrat party is considering running a Syrian refugee. Said the head, “They’re here already. We got to find something for them to do.”

AB


Bill of Rights Day Down the Tubes

December 16, 2015
Bill of Rights Day

Bill of Rights Day

For Latham Eikel yesterday’s Bill of Rights Day was a crushing let down. It was bad enough that no one showed up for his Bill of Rights Party, but he was equally disappointed that there were no parades, no sales and no cookouts honoring the ten amendments to the U.S. Constitution.

Equally frustrating for Mr. Eikel is not a single store sold Bill of Rights merchandise. “Today while shopping I saw Star Wars water bottles, mugs, t-shirts, air fresheners, sheets, jackets, ornaments, caskets, condoms and pregnancy kits, but no Bill of Rights stuff,” he sniffed.

Meanwhile Mr. Latham’s neighbor and video game addict Bernie Tumbar, who admittedly takes the Bill of Rights for granted, could care less for Latham, his party or his plight. “No one showed up for Eikel’s stupid party? Bummer. Pass the bean dip. It’s in the Star Wars casserole dish.”

Indeed. Pass the bean dip, Forestville. Pass the bean dip.

Bill of Rights Day December 15

Bill of Rights Day December 15