MBS Building Committee Breaks Up Due to Creative Differences

April 8, 2018

Yesterday, the Memorial Boulevard School (MBS) Building Committee announced they are breaking up due to infighting and creative differences.

Formed in 2015, the building committee had a meteoric rise as MBSmania gripped the community and residents embraced their work.

A series of films were released to capitalize on their popularity: A Hard Day’s MBS and All You Need is MBS.

Consequently, an over confident chairman remarked to the Bristol Press in 2016, “We are more popular than the Planning Commission.”

The statement sparked outrage among Bristol Republicans so they burned their MBS memorabilia, and urged Bristol schools to ban books about MBS from being read in classrooms.

That same year rumors swirled that committee member Limping Larry died in a breathing accident and was replaced with a look-a-like.

Appearing on the Bristol Beat, an online radio station at the time, in the summer of 2017 and having been around petroleum products all day, lead conspiracy theorist Myron Goldberg stated, “There are no photos of the committee and the name of Forestville resident Limping Larry appears nowhere on their webpage or their minutes? Why?” Sipping from a cup of antifreeze he continued, “If you read the committee minutes backwards and then read them forwards there are clues suggesting Limping Larry is deceased, but there are no clues suggesting he is dead. How can that be?

Following Mr. Goldberg’s appearance, Limping Larry is Dead began trending for almost an entire minute.

The committee was soon beset with internal problems.

The summer of 2017 MBS members and their families visited India to meditate with the Maharishi, but returned almost immediately because there was no Starbucks, and they discovered the Maharishi died in 2008.

The Maharishi

During the final days of the 2017 municipal election and as the MBS project became a campaign issue, two members of the committee staged a Bed-in called “Give MBS a Chance.”

The bed-in was beset with problems from the onset because one member wanted a Bob-o-pedic mattress while the other wanted a Craftmatic adjustable bed, and there were issues with the pillows.

Last month they surprised everyone by holding their monthly meeting on the roof of city hall in what can only be called a desperate last gasp. The meeting was taped by Nutmeg TV for a movie to be called Let Us Be.

Based on these issues and several other factors their breakup was announced early Saturday.

City councilors will wear black armbands at Tuesday’s council meeting, and the City of Bristol’s flag will fly at half-staff during lunch Monday.

Sebastian Goo contributed nothing to this story.


A Look Back at 2017

December 27, 2017

2017 had its fair share of stories and headlines to captivate the residents of Bristol and Forestville. Here is a look back at just a few of the stories that made headlines.

Drought Ends

The drought of 2016 came to an end in 2017. The then mayor officially declared the drought over with a ribbon cutting ceremony, and told drought protestors to shut up and go home.

Drought protestors said they would not leave because the Bristol Reservoirs were not 98% full, they were 2% empty.

Bristol Used New Defense Laser to Eliminate Blight and Critics

In March, Lockheed Martin announced they developed a 60 kilowatt-class laser that the government could use to thwart threats.

Consequently, in an effort to eliminate threats such as blight and critics, the mayor asked the army to fire the laser at both. The Office of the Mayor within days announced, “The U.S. Army, at the behest of the City of Bristol, used a Stryker armored vehicle with a laser weapon and ‘burn-through’ capabilities, eradicated both blight and critics thus removing these stains from Bristol.”

Super Fight II Ellen Vs Ken

Super Fight II, as it is dubbed for the purposes of this article so the boxing playbill created during the election and edited out of a piece can finally be used, did not live up to the hype as Ellen vanquished Mayor Ken handily by winning every precinct. However, the campaign was spirited, entertaining and added to their lore.

Ellen Zoppo-Sassu’s win was historic and inspirational as she became the first hyphenated mayor in Bristol’s history. Her victory carved a path for Councilwoman Mary Fortier to become Bristol’s first acting female mayor.

Mrs. Fortier was subsequently lauded with accolades from all over the state; her photo appeared on the front page of most state newspapers and she made numerous television appearances too. Oh, wait, that was Ellen not Mary. Never mind.

Man Who Crossed Street Without a Crossing Signal Censured by City Council

Forestville resident Limping Larry, without using a crosswalk or a crossing signal to guide him, successfully crossed Pine Street on a Tuesday in mid July and was not injured or harmed, according to police.

However, the City Council, after the incident became public knowledge, censured Larry for taking such a risky walk.

Councilor Dave Preleski opined in a blistering editorial, “How did Limping Larry cross that street? Who colluded with him? Did he have help? If so, who and why? That is not an easy road to cross especially if you have limp even if it is fake like Larry’s.”

Limping Larry subsequently apologized to the Traffic Division and the City Council for crossing the street without waiting for the signal.

The collusion allegation remains under investigation and will be for the foreseeable future.

Forestville Man Opened an Escort Business

The midlife crisis of Forestville resident Bob Knepper continued.

Mr. Knepper opened an escort business in the red-light district of Forestville called Intimate Encounters. “I know prostitution is illegal but that doesn’t mean you can’t do it,” Mr. Knepper said.

Critics charged he was disrespecting and debasing women. In response Mr. Knepper remarked, “How am I being disrespectful and debasing women? We have a good dental plan and I even offered my wife a job on the weekends. You know this political correctness thing has gone too far.”

Help Us Reach Out Goal (BOE Deficit)

In August the Board of Education announced they had a 2.4 million dollar deficit.

Consequently, the BOE had a pledge drive to raise funds for the school year. The event was called “Whoops We Need 2 Million Dollars Pronto Won’t You Please Help.”

The deficit resulted in an escalation of everyone’s favorite social media activities: finger pointing and character assassination.

Closing Thoughts

There are no closing thoughts. This sentence was written to merely extend the article by another sentence. So was this one. And this one too.

Okay, I am done. This is my last sentence.

Forestville Man Crosses Pine Street, No One Injured – City to Investigate

October 9, 2017

Forestville resident Limping Larry, without using the aid of a crosswalk or a crossing signal to guide him, successfully crossed Pine Street around mid-day last Tuesday and no one was injured, according to police.

City officials were alarmed that Larry made his way through the intersection while the light was still green, which is in violation of the law. Since the incident became public knowledge, the Forestville law firm of Porkman and Swine was hired to investigate the matter by the city.

Porkman and Swine

At a press conference late Saturday Porkman and Swine detailed their plans for the investigation, “How did Limping Larry cross that street without the aid of the crosswalk? Did he have help? If so, who and why? Was there collusion? Right now we don’t know but what we do know is that’s not an easy road to cross when you have a limp.”

The investigation will be lengthy and the report never made available to the public nor checked for typos or inaccuracies.

Related Stories

Limping Larry Apologizes to the Traffic Division for his Lack of Judgement
Traffic Division Shy’s Away from Media Spotlight
Who are Porkman and Swine?
Who is Limping Larry?
Why do People Limp?
Is there a Cure for Limping?

Who Invented the Question Mark?
Why are There so Many Questions but so Few Answers?

Mayor Seeks Reelection

February 5, 2017


The mayor announced this week that he will seek a third term as mayor of Bristol/Forestville. The republican mayor said he would like to build off the progress he has established.

As expected the announcement was met with mixed reactions.

Bristol republicans were overjoyed with the announcement and at the prospect of another term. Said Garrison Chafee, “He’s done a really good job with his War on Blight and…um…there was that other thing too…oh shoot what was it? Ah jeez…it’s on the tip of my tongue…uhhhh.”

Lathan Eikel echoed those thoughts, “He’s done a really good job with his War on Blight and…um…there was that other thing too…oh shoot what was it? Ah jeez…it’s on the tip of tongue…uhhhh.”

Meanwhile the democrats could not stop laughing when the announcement was made. However, what cannot be laughed at though is whoever challenges the mayor it will prove to be a difficult task because he has not lost an election. He remains popular with his base and people that don’t like democrats, according to data compiled for the mayor by the Forestville firm Landry, Issel and Escalanté.

Limping Larry, a dedicated and loyal democrat, said the mayor is vulnerable this year due to his behavioral but he anticipates his party will go in a different direction, “We ran a candidate in 13 that wore glasses and a candidate in 15 that wore glasses too. This time the candidate will not wear glasses. Contacts maybe, readers or cheaters a possibility; a monocle if need be, but glasses no way. I believe voters will respond to that.”

The 2017 elections will be held Tuesday November 7th.

The Final Days?

January 15, 2017


For a little over a year, life for Forestville and Bristol democrats has been tough.

First, the Mayor was re-elected.

Then, Calvin moved out of his district and the world nearly ended.

Later, it was learned the mayor had an inappropriate relationship with a city employee (prior to becoming mayor), threatened another; apologized and then took anger management classes. Much to the democrats chagrin, he remains popular.

In November, Bristol’s three legislative republicans were easily re-elected to the state legislature.

And by the end of the week, Trump will be president.

Depressed, democrats are being prescribed record amounts of antidepressants such as Prozac, Zoloft and Desyrel and Xanax to cope. “Eighteen months ago one out of every two democrats were taking antidepressants. Now, it is two out of every four. That’s a fifty percent increase,” said Forestville CPA, Chandler Juliet.

Those not taking antidepressants, or Benzedrine for that matter to just get through another day, are meditating as a coping strategy.

Several democrats that no one ever really listens to however, feel cognitive behavioral therapy should be offered first and used in conjunction with counseling rather than pills or meditation. “We have to do something,” said Limping Larry. “You can only take so many pills and do so many sun salutations and chakras.”

Dr. Emma Glockenspiel, a rank and file democrat speaking from the comforts of her solarium, believes they should go in another direction. “I encourage party members to remain positive, breath deep, listen to music, read poetry and go for nature walks before the planet is engulfed in ash and fire and ruin and before there is no food, no water and no heat; nothing but destruction and extinction due to Trump, the republicans and their policies. More tea?”

Recently, on a chilly and windy night, Bristol Democratic Chairman Dean Kilbourne, speaking at a banquet at Nuchie’s, looked to the future. “While others foresee see apocalypse and Armageddon I see hope. As Shakespeare once said ‘The miserable have no other medicine, but only hope.’”

“Hope is the St. Paul baseball team winning their first state title in 40 years. Hope is The Bristol Beat providing Bristol a radio station. Hope is the Bristol Art Squad enriching our community. And hope is a leader that will find workable solutions to the challenges we face; a leader that says, ‘we and not I’, and a leader that as President Kennedy once proclaimed, ‘Not seek to fix blame for the past – but accept our own responsibility for the future.’ It is therefore, my pleasure to introduce the next mayor of Bristol”……..

It was then that the power suddenly went out due to a wind gust leaving everyone in the dark.

· · · – – – · · ·



December 22, 2015


The mayor plans to meet with state legislators representing Forestville and Bristol to discuss state budget issues, but there is one notable exception, Representative Frank Nicastro, Democrat.

Earlier this year, Mr. Nicastro voted for the second largest tax increase in state history and as a result the mayor refused to invite him to the budget discussions. The mayor’s opposition was outraged over the “snub.”

Consequently, dozens of small fires erupted, numerous cars were overturned and public property was destroyed after democrats heard news of the “snub”, authorities said.

Police took to the streets in full riot gear and deployed three canisters of tear gas in front of the Forestville Social Club. Numerous registered democrats were heard to chant “F the Snub!” over and over. Police reported a handful of arrests were made.

Forestville Police take to the streets in riot gear

Forestville Police in riot gear

Shouldn’t the mayor as chief executive have the right to invite or not anyone he wants to his office for a meeting? If so, why the rumpus?

A review of town records shows a long list of people not invited to the mayor’s office dating back to the early 1900s due to their politics, ideology or whatever. The list includes captains of industry, scientists, activists, humanitarians, actors, politicians et al and includes:

Yuri Gagarin, Typhoid Mary, Hurricane Camille, J. Paul Getty, Louis B Mayer, Nelson Mandela, John Paul I, Indira Gandhi, Route 72, Salvador Dali, Pol Pat, Ho Chi Minh, Hirohito, Thurgood Marshall, Agatha Christie, Truman Capote, Dorothy Dandridge, Bonnie and Clyde, Annie Oakley, Robert Oppenheimer, Eva Peron, Che Guevara, Golda Meir, The Dalai Lama, Oprah, Annie Leibovitz, Toni Morrison, The Stanley Cup, Benjamin Netanyahu, Bill Boggs, Elon Musk, The Budweiser Frogs, Steve Harvey, Bjork, Ruth Bader Ginsberg, Bob Iger, Lorne Michaels, Gloria Allred, Neil deGrasse Tyson, Fiorello La Guardia, Dr. James Andrews, Konstantin Chernenko, The Symbionese Liberation Army, Patty Hearst, Tanya, Beyoncé, Meg Whitman, Anna Wintour, Zahi Hawass, and the United Nations Charter.

But wait there is more.

Kermit the Frog, The Class of 1985, Henrietta Hippo, Michio Kaku, Mitchell Luby, Angela Merkel, Tyra Banks, Led Zeppelin, Limping Larry, the Goodyear Blimp, Ron Howard’s brother, The California Raisins, Lassie, Yakov Smirnoff, The cast of Saved By The Bell, God, Wu Tang Clan, The USC Trojan Marching Band, Uncle Fester, Stinky Pete, Pope Francis, R2D2, Frodo, Mac Davis, Pablo Escobar, Shamoo the Wonder Pig, The New York Mercantile Exchange, A man dressed like a chicken, my Mom’s neighbor’s sister Susan, anyone named Clinton, Myth Busters, the Ancient Aliens Guy, Me, Insane Clown Posse, The Securities and Exchange Commission, The Phillie Phanatic, DB Cooper, and KISS impersonators.

Insane Clown Posse Banned by a Bristol Mayor

Insane Clown Posse Banned by a Bristol Mayor

The entire file, which clerks say is beyond voluminous, contains every individual banned, snubbed or not invited to any meeting with the mayor’s office dating back to the incorporation of the city. It is kept in a large room well below City Hall and is guarded like a fortress, 24 hours a day 365 days a year.

Workers complain that boxes show up by the truck load each and every day as the file grows and grows and grows.

banned 04
The files below City Hall

Anonymous Threatens to Expose AM Radio Listeners

November 5, 2015
Anonymous to out AM music radio listeners

Anonymous to out AM music radio listeners

The social justice hacker group known as Anonymous is threatening to expose the identities of individuals that listen to music on AM Radio stations. “The truth needs to come out to expose those amongst us that listen to poor music with horrible fidelity,” they said in a statement. Generally AM radio plays music that is considered the oldies.

Sources say numerous Forestville residents will appear on the list. “I listen to Slipknot and Nine Inch Nails on Pandora all day so I am cool,” said Larson Canover. “The are some folks however; I am not mentioning any names….Silas Minutia…Limping Larry that should be worried though,” Canover explained.

A member of the AM Music Radio Fan Club said there has recently been an effort to “out” AM radio listeners and it’s proving to be successful because listenership and membership is down.

There is also the rumor Anonymous will expose residents of Forestville that still use VCRs, Windows XP and folding maps with a data dump next month.