Forestville Man Crosses Pine Street, No One Injured – City to Investigate

October 9, 2017

Forestville resident Limping Larry, without using the aid of a crosswalk or a crossing signal to guide him, successfully crossed Pine Street around mid-day last Tuesday and no one was injured, according to police.

City officials were alarmed that Larry made his way through the intersection while the light was still green, which is in violation of the law. Since the incident became public knowledge, the Forestville law firm of Porkman and Swine was hired to investigate the matter by the city.

Porkman and Swine

At a press conference late Saturday Porkman and Swine detailed their plans for the investigation, “How did Limping Larry cross that street without the aid of the crosswalk? Did he have help? If so, who and why? Was there collusion? Right now we don’t know but what we do know is that’s not an easy road to cross when you have a limp.”

The investigation will be lengthy and the report never made available to the public nor checked for typos or inaccuracies.

Related Stories

Limping Larry Apologizes to the Traffic Division for his Lack of Judgement
Traffic Division Shy’s Away from Media Spotlight
Who are Porkman and Swine?
Who is Limping Larry?
Why do People Limp?
Is there a Cure for Limping?

Who Invented the Question Mark?
Why are There so Many Questions but so Few Answers?

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Mayor Seeks Reelection

February 5, 2017

2017-election-03

The mayor announced this week that he will seek a third term as mayor of Bristol/Forestville. The republican mayor said he would like to build off the progress he has established.

As expected the announcement was met with mixed reactions.

Bristol republicans were overjoyed with the announcement and at the prospect of another term. Said Garrison Chafee, “He’s done a really good job with his War on Blight and…um…there was that other thing too…oh shoot what was it? Ah jeez…it’s on the tip of my tongue…uhhhh.”

Lathan Eikel echoed those thoughts, “He’s done a really good job with his War on Blight and…um…there was that other thing too…oh shoot what was it? Ah jeez…it’s on the tip of tongue…uhhhh.”

Meanwhile the democrats could not stop laughing when the announcement was made. However, what cannot be laughed at though is whoever challenges the mayor it will prove to be a difficult task because he has not lost an election. He remains popular with his base and people that don’t like democrats, according to data compiled for the mayor by the Forestville firm Landry, Issel and Escalanté.

Limping Larry, a dedicated and loyal democrat, said the mayor is vulnerable this year due to his behavioral but he anticipates his party will go in a different direction, “We ran a candidate in 13 that wore glasses and a candidate in 15 that wore glasses too. This time the candidate will not wear glasses. Contacts maybe, readers or cheaters a possibility; a monocle if need be, but glasses no way. I believe voters will respond to that.”

The 2017 elections will be held Tuesday November 7th.


The Final Days?

January 15, 2017

final-days-03

For a little over a year, life for Forestville and Bristol democrats has been tough.

First, the Mayor was re-elected.

Then, Calvin moved out of his district and the world nearly ended.

Later, it was learned the mayor had an inappropriate relationship with a city employee (prior to becoming mayor), threatened another; apologized and then took anger management classes. Much to the democrats chagrin, he remains popular.

In November, Bristol’s three legislative republicans were easily re-elected to the state legislature.

And by the end of the week, Trump will be president.

Depressed, democrats are being prescribed record amounts of antidepressants such as Prozac, Zoloft and Desyrel and Xanax to cope. “Eighteen months ago one out of every two democrats were taking antidepressants. Now, it is two out of every four. That’s a fifty percent increase,” said Forestville CPA, Chandler Juliet.

Those not taking antidepressants, or Benzedrine for that matter to just get through another day, are meditating as a coping strategy.

Several democrats that no one ever really listens to however, feel cognitive behavioral therapy should be offered first and used in conjunction with counseling rather than pills or meditation. “We have to do something,” said Limping Larry. “You can only take so many pills and do so many sun salutations and chakras.”

Dr. Emma Glockenspiel, a rank and file democrat speaking from the comforts of her solarium, believes they should go in another direction. “I encourage party members to remain positive, breath deep, listen to music, read poetry and go for nature walks before the planet is engulfed in ash and fire and ruin and before there is no food, no water and no heat; nothing but destruction and extinction due to Trump, the republicans and their policies. More tea?”

Recently, on a chilly and windy night, Bristol Democratic Chairman Dean Kilbourne, speaking at a banquet at Nuchie’s, looked to the future. “While others foresee see apocalypse and Armageddon I see hope. As Shakespeare once said ‘The miserable have no other medicine, but only hope.’”

“Hope is the St. Paul baseball team winning their first state title in 40 years. Hope is The Bristol Beat providing Bristol a radio station. Hope is the Bristol Art Squad enriching our community. And hope is a leader that will find workable solutions to the challenges we face; a leader that says, ‘we and not I’, and a leader that as President Kennedy once proclaimed, ‘Not seek to fix blame for the past – but accept our own responsibility for the future.’ It is therefore, my pleasure to introduce the next mayor of Bristol”……..

It was then that the power suddenly went out due to a wind gust leaving everyone in the dark.

· · · – – – · · ·

END


Snubgate

December 22, 2015
Snubgate!

Snubgate!

The mayor plans to meet with state legislators representing Forestville and Bristol to discuss state budget issues, but there is one notable exception, Representative Frank Nicastro, Democrat.

Earlier this year, Mr. Nicastro voted for the second largest tax increase in state history and as a result the mayor refused to invite him to the budget discussions. The mayor’s opposition was outraged over the “snub.”

Consequently, dozens of small fires erupted, numerous cars were overturned and public property was destroyed after democrats heard news of the “snub”, authorities said.

Police took to the streets in full riot gear and deployed three canisters of tear gas in front of the Forestville Social Club. Numerous registered democrats were heard to chant “F the Snub!” over and over. Police reported a handful of arrests were made.

Forestville Police take to the streets in riot gear

Forestville Police in riot gear

Shouldn’t the mayor as chief executive have the right to invite or not anyone he wants to his office for a meeting? If so, why the rumpus?

A review of town records shows a long list of people not invited to the mayor’s office dating back to the early 1900s due to their politics, ideology or whatever. The list includes captains of industry, scientists, activists, humanitarians, actors, politicians et al and includes:

Yuri Gagarin, Typhoid Mary, Hurricane Camille, J. Paul Getty, Louis B Mayer, Nelson Mandela, John Paul I, Indira Gandhi, Route 72, Salvador Dali, Pol Pat, Ho Chi Minh, Hirohito, Thurgood Marshall, Agatha Christie, Truman Capote, Dorothy Dandridge, Bonnie and Clyde, Annie Oakley, Robert Oppenheimer, Eva Peron, Che Guevara, Golda Meir, The Dalai Lama, Oprah, Annie Leibovitz, Toni Morrison, The Stanley Cup, Benjamin Netanyahu, Bill Boggs, Elon Musk, The Budweiser Frogs, Steve Harvey, Bjork, Ruth Bader Ginsberg, Bob Iger, Lorne Michaels, Gloria Allred, Neil deGrasse Tyson, Fiorello La Guardia, Dr. James Andrews, Konstantin Chernenko, The Symbionese Liberation Army, Patty Hearst, Tanya, Beyoncé, Meg Whitman, Anna Wintour, Zahi Hawass, and the United Nations Charter.

But wait there is more.

Kermit the Frog, The Class of 1985, Henrietta Hippo, Michio Kaku, Mitchell Luby, Angela Merkel, Tyra Banks, Led Zeppelin, Limping Larry, the Goodyear Blimp, Ron Howard’s brother, The California Raisins, Lassie, Yakov Smirnoff, The cast of Saved By The Bell, God, Wu Tang Clan, The USC Trojan Marching Band, Uncle Fester, Stinky Pete, Pope Francis, R2D2, Frodo, Mac Davis, Pablo Escobar, Shamoo the Wonder Pig, The New York Mercantile Exchange, A man dressed like a chicken, my Mom’s neighbor’s sister Susan, anyone named Clinton, Myth Busters, the Ancient Aliens Guy, Me, Insane Clown Posse, The Securities and Exchange Commission, The Phillie Phanatic, DB Cooper, and KISS impersonators.

Insane Clown Posse Banned by a Bristol Mayor

Insane Clown Posse Banned by a Bristol Mayor

The entire file, which clerks say is beyond voluminous, contains every individual banned, snubbed or not invited to any meeting with the mayor’s office dating back to the incorporation of the city. It is kept in a large room well below City Hall and is guarded like a fortress, 24 hours a day 365 days a year.

Workers complain that boxes show up by the truck load each and every day as the file grows and grows and grows.

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The files below City Hall


Anonymous Threatens to Expose AM Radio Listeners

November 5, 2015
Anonymous to out AM music radio listeners

Anonymous to out AM music radio listeners

The social justice hacker group known as Anonymous is threatening to expose the identities of individuals that listen to music on AM Radio stations. “The truth needs to come out to expose those amongst us that listen to poor music with horrible fidelity,” they said in a statement. Generally AM radio plays music that is considered the oldies.

Sources say numerous Forestville residents will appear on the list. “I listen to Slipknot and Nine Inch Nails on Pandora all day so I am cool,” said Larson Canover. “The are some folks however; I am not mentioning any names….Silas Minutia…Limping Larry that should be worried though,” Canover explained.

A member of the AM Music Radio Fan Club said there has recently been an effort to “out” AM radio listeners and it’s proving to be successful because listenership and membership is down.

There is also the rumor Anonymous will expose residents of Forestville that still use VCRs, Windows XP and folding maps with a data dump next month.


Limping Larry’s Limp Concerns Residents

July 25, 2015
Broad Street

Broad Street

Limping Larry was spotted limping through the center of Forestville last week and citizens are concerned.

Residents believe Larry’s limp casts Forestville in a poor light because he is faking it. They say he goes from limping on his right leg one day to limping on is left leg the next. Due to the attention he receives many feel Limping Larry has no motivation to stop limping. Consequently they asked city leaders to do something so Larry will cease embellishing his limp. Leaders have resisted these pleas so residents have taken matters into their own hands.

A woman who lives in an apartment complex near Pine Lake called the police and reported that someone was limping in the area.

Minister Reggie, the self-appointed “Limp Czar” on Broad Street, reported the matter to NBC News. “It shows the community is taking this very seriously,” he said.

Another resident Silas Minutia created SpottedLimpingLarryApp. “It lets people post geotagged footage of Larry’s last known whereabouts,” according to the apps disclaimer.

Limping Larry is famous because he walks with great difficulty by favoring his right leg over his left leg or vice versa. No one is sure.

It is rumored he uses the limp to procure food, preferential parking and companionship.


Forestville Ushers in the New Fiscal New Year with Great Success

July 1, 2015
Happy Fiscal New Year Forestville!

Happy Fiscal New Year Forestville!

As the fiscal new year approached last night, Forestville was ready for the annual celebration.

This year’s celebration included star-studded musical performances from the punk band Kitty Litter Sponge Cake, Fisted Five and Closed Casket with Limping Larry on Harmonica for a few tunes.

There were balloons, confetti and handouts about the upcoming cuts to the state budget.

Forestville Police reported that, unlike last year when revelers screamed in delight, danced atop cars and lit fires rejoicing the reckoning of state government financial statements for accounting and tax purposes, there were no incidents of debauchery or destruction of public or private property.
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