Vacant Lost Fest 2018

April 24, 2018

Life-long Forestville resident Bob Knepper will be the featured guest at the 2018 Vacant Lot Fest in Forestville, which is taking place Saturday July 7th at 6PM, Forestville time.

This annual event features a private meet and greet with vacant lot land owners and includes an autograph session and a photo session too.

In addition to owning vacant lots in Forestville, Mr. Kneeper also owns vacant and abandoned properties throughout the region including memorable ones in New Britain, Plantsville, Meriden and Turner Falls Massachusetts.

Knepper began letting his properties go in the 1990s because he is lazy and stopped caring. The properties feature a wide swath of neglect and debris from garbage to general overgrowth. The motivation for abandoning his properties varies from property to property.

Empty lot historian Alex Chipley will once again lead fans on a trolley tour of the vacant lots and conduct a trivia contest too. Winners will not receive any prizes just the knowledge that they won.

During the 31-minute tour fans will learn about Forestville’s rich history of vacant lots, and what the future holds for vacant lots.

There is no charge to go on the trolley but it costs 12 bucks to get off the trolley.

This event is sponsored by the Forestville Historical Society and Intimate Encounters, a popular Forestville escort service owned by Mr. Knepper.

Vacant Lot Trolley Tour

* Trolley tour leaves every 30 minutes beginning at 6PM
* The last trolley leaves at 6PM
* Adults: NO charge to get on 12 bucks to get off
* Children (5 – 12): $8.00 to get on $0 to get off
* Children younger than 5 ride free but they are not allowed to speak or talk

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Bob Knepper Divorce from Work Wife Getting Ugly

April 9, 2018

Last week Bob Knepper announced he is divorcing his work wife Stephanie Rogers of three years.

The pair work at the Forestville consulting firm of Landry, Issel and Escalanté.

Initially it appeared the co-workers were comfortable with their workplace uncoupling as relations were amicable, but late last week the relationship went completely south.

A work associate, who wished to remain anonymous but is named Hal Gurney, told Boardman confidentially, “Knepper claims his ex-work wife divulged personal details about him in a conspiracy to embarrass him.” Gurney added, “Bob thinks Stephanie is telling everyone that he arrives late every day but makes up for it by leaving early. He also said that she said he routinely gets drunk at office parties and falls asleep on the job. BFD everyone knew that already.”

Mr. Kneeper has certainly experienced his fair share of office faux pas lately. Last week he microwaved fish, which is a cardinal sin in any office, and in successive days he purposively burned popcorn and sauerkraut.

Meanwhile, for her part, Ms. Rogers has openly been getting coffee with another male employee during afternoon breaks, and not wearing headphones will listening to her music.

In response, Mr. Knepper is seeking primary physical custody of the small refrigerator he shared with Ms. Rogers.

Ms. Rogers has asked their supervisor to move Knepper’s cubicle.

Employees admit they are really enjoying the drama because it makes for great office gossip.


MBS Building Committee Breaks Up Due to Creative Differences

April 8, 2018

Yesterday, the Memorial Boulevard School (MBS) Building Committee announced they are breaking up due to infighting and creative differences.

Formed in 2015, the building committee had a meteoric rise as MBSmania gripped the community and residents embraced their work.

A series of films were released to capitalize on their popularity: A Hard Day’s MBS and All You Need is MBS.

Consequently, an over confident chairman remarked to the Bristol Press in 2016, “We are more popular than the Planning Commission.”

The statement sparked outrage among Bristol Republicans so they burned their MBS memorabilia, and urged Bristol schools to ban books about MBS from being read in classrooms.

That same year rumors swirled that committee member Limping Larry died in a breathing accident and was replaced with a look-a-like.

Appearing on the Bristol Beat, an online radio station at the time, in the summer of 2017 and having been around petroleum products all day, lead conspiracy theorist Myron Goldberg stated, “There are no photos of the committee and the name of Forestville resident Limping Larry appears nowhere on their webpage or their minutes? Why?” Sipping from a cup of antifreeze he continued, “If you read the committee minutes backwards and then read them forwards there are clues suggesting Limping Larry is deceased, but there are no clues suggesting he is dead. How can that be?

Following Mr. Goldberg’s appearance, Limping Larry is Dead began trending for almost an entire minute.

The committee was soon beset with internal problems.

The summer of 2017 MBS members and their families visited India to meditate with the Maharishi, but returned almost immediately because there was no Starbucks, and they discovered the Maharishi died in 2008.

The Maharishi

During the final days of the 2017 municipal election and as the MBS project became a campaign issue, two members of the committee staged a Bed-in called “Give MBS a Chance.”

The bed-in was beset with problems from the onset because one member wanted a Bob-o-pedic mattress while the other wanted a Craftmatic adjustable bed, and there were issues with the pillows.

Last month they surprised everyone by holding their monthly meeting on the roof of city hall in what can only be called a desperate last gasp. The meeting was taped by Nutmeg TV for a movie to be called Let Us Be.

Based on these issues and several other factors their breakup was announced early Saturday.

City councilors will wear black armbands at Tuesday’s council meeting, and the City of Bristol’s flag will fly at half-staff during lunch Monday.

Sebastian Goo contributed nothing to this story.


Forestville Easter Egg Hunt Goes Awry

April 1, 2018

The 2018 Forestville Easter Egg Hunt put on by the Elks Lodge attracted more than 125 youngsters to Rockwell Park Saturday, which was odd since the event was held at Peck Park officials said.

Organizers stated it was a festive atmosphere but the egg hunt was plagued with fighting, lost eggs, chaos and general anarchy.

For 3-year-old Cassidy Bernick it was her first Easter egg hunt and she was really looking forward to it. The results however were disappointing because she did not find any eggs. Her mother Jane said, “We put ourselves in a hole early in the hunt when Cassidy wandered off the course. It did not help matters when she bonked that (Bennie) Joppers kid in the head with her basket.”

Young Melanie Harper struggled too. A seasoned veteran of two years she made what could be called a rookie mistake when she bit Timmy Norstrom’s ear.

Vladimir Myshkin proved to be very formidable at finding eggs. It was later learned that Vladimir, who post hunt tests showed he had taken illegal levels of performance enhancing drugs in this case sugar.

He was forced to turn over his eggs and received a year suspension by the World Anti-Doping Agency. He joins Lance Armstrong as the only people banned from Easter egg hunts.

Attacked

The Easter Bunny was there too and he was not impervious to controversy. Several mothers felt he was showing favoritism to certain children. Consequently the 6ft tall bunny, made of pink polyester and satin, was attacked and thrown to the ground and repeatedly punched and kicked and spanked by a group of mothers gone rogue. Police later told Boardman, “It then got weird.”


Shock Report: Chambers of Commerce To Hold Another Banquet

March 31, 2018

Saturday night, the Central Connecticut Chambers of Commerce will recognize Ms. Peggy Lynn Martin for her over twenty years of never volunteering her time or contributing anything meaningful to the community. She will be the fifth recipient of the Golden Shoulder Shrug, an award celebrating those who exhibit extreme indifference in the face of need or common courtesy. Last year’s winner was a greeter at Walmart who had given up on waving, smiling or showing the least bit of interest in incoming customers.

A spokesman for the Chambers said, “Over the years, Ms. Martin courageously and indolently stood by and did nothing while her family, friends and neighbors actively donated their time and money to various causes. She is truly not a role model for anyone.”

The 62-year-old Martin, a life-long Forestville resident and Governor Malloy supporter, told Boardman, “People always tell me I should make a difference. But I don’t want to. I like the way things are.”

The spokesman added, “It’s people like Ms. Martin that make us appreciate the real heroes. We owe her a debt of gratitude.”

The award banquet to be held at Nuchie’s at 6:00 p.m. is the fourth of the year for the Chambers. The first three honored the best businessman, the best business and the cutest dog video. A workshop on banquets will be offered before the event, followed by another workshop for junior members on how to clean up after a banquet.


Bob Kneeper Seeks Divorce from Work Wife

March 29, 2018

Employees at the Forestville consulting firm Landry, Issel and Escalanté were surprised to learn that Bob Kneeper and his work wife Stephanie Rogers are calling it quits after three years together. The work spouses are citing irreconcilable differences.

According to sources, Knepper broke of the relationship last Friday. “She was constantly reminding him to clean his desk and put staples in his stapler. He felt like he was at home with his real wife,” a source told Boardman Wednesday.

The work colleagues were cube-mates and shared a pencil sharpener and a small refrigerator. They often bitched to each other about co-workers and personal matters while regularly buying coffee together during their afternoon break.

The relationship showed signs of being in peril last quarter when Stephanie’s position began to rise within the company. Mr. Knepper responded by going outside their circle for support and coffee.

Mr. Knepper is seeking full custody of the black compact refrigerator. However, many within the office see this as a spiteful move.

This marks Mr. Kneeper’s third work spouse divorce while this is Ms. Rogers first.


Word Camp

March 24, 2018

Forestville’s Word Camp begins the week of July 2 at Peck Park. Make the big changes you need to improve your vocabulary and attend Word Camp.

For just $100 every camper will have the opportunity to learn a new word every day and even make up a new word too.

Campers will also learn:

• How to Improve their adjective selection
• Advanced pronouns
• Fun and adventurous swear words
• Interesting ways to misspell words creatively
• How to get the adverbs out of their life
• Arts and Crafts

And that is not all!

Coaches will be available to help and assist with “determiners” and other odd word classifications such as: subjective pronouns, objective pronouns, possessive pronouns and yes even reflexive pronouns.

A study group will take up and discuss in extreme detail the silent E and how it not only hurts the writer, but the long-term damage it does to the reader.

Campers will do crossword puzzles, word searches, word jumbles and spelling bees.

Each year Word Camp has an official word. Last year’s word was “diplococcus” (dip·lo·coc·cusˌdiplōˈkäkəs/). Campers loved it because it just rolled off their tongues! What will this year’s word be? Is it sesquipedalian? How about estuary? What about imbroglio? Attend word camp and find out!

Camp hours are Monday through Friday from 9:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. except days where camp councilors don’t show up or it rains or it is really hot.

For an additional $50 campers can attend Fun with Numbers Camp.

Testimonials: Here is what hominids are saying about Word Camp

Carla Rodriguez Calderón

Yesterday words had no meaning and paintings had no color. Today they do. I was typhlotic before Word Camp. Thank you Word Camp.

Tate Singleton

If you use words to communicate then this is the place for you.

Marty Skitmer

What are words for when no one listens? That is so curio of me! What do you mean I am not using that right? Huh?