Vacant Lot Fest 2017

May 13, 2017

Right it down! Vacant Lot Fest 2017 is taking place Saturday July 8th. This special one-day event will feature a walking tour of the vacant lots in Forestville by noted empty lot historian Alex Chipley.

Mr. Chipley explains the history and explores the properties along East Main Street that were once vital to the community, but have fallen on hard times

Join Mr. Chipley for a journey back in time at one of America’s premier collection of empty lots. You will find inspiration and neglect as you explore the empty land parcels dotted along Forestville’s landscape.

Ken Wormer will be the featured guest. Mr. Wormer once owned a lot that is now contaminated with overgrowth, trash and industrial waste. He will be available for autographs, photos and signing vacant lot memorabilia.

The tour will leave from the post office at 6PM and is expected to take two hours. This event is sponsored by the Forestville Historical Society.

Vacant Lot Fest 2017 will be opened by the classic rock band Foghat. The band, known for the hits “Slow Ride,” and “Fool For the City” was briefly popular in the 1970s.

Admission to the event is free but the ticket is $10.00.

Google Wrecks Bristol

May 7, 2017

A test of Google’s Waymo autonomously driven vehicles in Bristol resulted in the cars crashing into each other around 2:30 pm yesterday afternoon. Police were immediately dispatched to the scene to make fun of the wreck.

According to police, one self-driving car broadsided the other after being distracted by a curvy inflatable air dancer by an auto dealership.

The slow-moving crash sent one onboard computer to the hospital. The other was released after completing a concussion protocol. However, they both face charges of texting while driving, e-mailing while driving and generally being a computer while driving.

One Google spokesman at their San Francisco-area headquarters would not comment specifically on the incident, but did remark how he loves quinoa breakfast tacos.

Another, more helpful spokesman said, “We learn from each accident. Last year when a Waymo went up onto a train trestle and spontaneously exploded, we realized cars should not drive on railroad tracks. When one exploded after parking in front of a fire hydrant, we determined that cars should not park illegally. Another time, a bear stopped our vehicle without it exploding and dragged it into a cave for the winter. Bears are pretty mean.”

Mrs. Kaylee Henderson, 73, has her own complaint. She left Cornerstone Church after a particularly exciting sermon on Biblical laundry when she got stuck behind a Waymo traveling at about five miles an hour. “No car should go that slow in a thirty-mile-an-hour zone,” she said. “It should travel as fast as I do – seven, ten miles an hour.”

Google expects there to be no more incidents with their self-driving cars. These tests will lead up to their next experiment – self-walking dogs.


May 5, 2017

Yesterday afternoon House Republicans passed a bill to repeal and replace the Affordable Care Act thus fulfilling a seven year promise. It is projected that 24 million people will be without health insurance and top income earners will receive a massive tax break.

Local republicans took to the streets of Forestville and celebrated.

At Republican headquarters party members gathered and were delighted that health care could not only be taken away from people across the country, but locally too. Many proudly took selfies with the House Bill while others were seen fist bumping, high fiving and relishing the moment.

Republican strategist Latham Eikel and his wife Eleanor were writhing in orgasmic pleasure. The normally reserved and puritanical Eikel’s were quivering and crying out in shear ecstasy that the wealthy would receive a much needed and deserved capital gains tax cut.

Others were foaming at the mouth unable to control their delight that the elderly, sick, and the poor would lose health insurance. Still more were thrilled and beaming that under the Bill insurance companies can charge higher prices on customers with pre-existing illnesses or that hospitals in poor areas with vulnerable populations would see cuts in outpatient care and services for the mentally ill.

May Day Protests Cause Mayday For Bristol

May 2, 2017

The violence that visited May Day protests overseas spread to Connecticut, but for different reasons.  Bristol’s own May Day centers not on worker rights but honoring flowers.  The Forestville Garden Club held its annual May Day March For Plants Monday, where as its president Synthia Marsh says, “We walk for those that can’t.”

However as in past years, the march turned violent.  Shouting “Rafflesia arnoldii are flowers too!”, “Justice for Euphorbia esula!” and “Hell, no – We won’t grow!”, protestors hurled seed packets and bulbs at riot police.  Two policemen were sent to the nurse at Chippens Hill Middle School with bits of pollen in their eyes.  Passersby were sent fleeing to the scene to take selfies.

Ms. Marsh issued an apology on behalf of the club, blaming the violence on a few members who drank too much cooking sherry.  Others claim the violence was incited by a particularly raucous episode of “The Victory Garden.”  The Forestville Fire Department is also investigating to determine if arson was the cause.

Forestville Book Club Embroiled in Controversy

May 1, 2017

Kelly Slater, a member of the Forestville Book Club, is embroiled in controversy with members of the club.

The club is reading Gravity’s Rainbow, a dark and sinister novel by Thomas Pincheon. However, following their meeting one week ago, they agreed to read two chapters during the week but Miss Slater read ahead of the group and completed four chapters.

A number of influential members became livid and condemned her reading even threatening to take her bookmark and reading lamp. Mary Leshin, President of the Forestville Book Club told members via email, “We are taking this infraction seriously and will take action, if necessary.”

The next day though the club convened in an executive session and recommended that she be forced to read silently the next time the group met. Slater recused herself from the session and later, after hearing of the disciplinary action, called the group a bunch of schoolmarms and similar salty adjectives.

Miss Slater said she did not understand their autocratic style and is thinking of leaving the book club to start her own.

London Marathon Finish Includes Local Resident?

April 26, 2017

Last Sunday’s London Marathon included one Bristol resident, Bryan Smythe Smiley.

Smiley was ebullient, but tired.  When we interviewed him at the finish line, we were struck by his pronounced British accent.

“I get that all the time,” he said.  “People think I am from Bristol, England.  Don’t let the O.B.E. after my name fool you.  That stands for ‘Order of Bristol Envelopes.’  It is something only a person from our Connecticut chapter would get.  My whole family lives in Bristol in Connecticut, U.S. of A., by George.  My grandfather was even 11th Earl of Bristol.”

Back in Connecticut, a local historian Jack Maize was beside himself.  “What Smiley claims is not true.  The voter rolls even show he resides in Bristol, England.  And Bristol never had earls.  I should know.  My great aunt was High Executioner for this town back in the war.”

We caught up with another local historian, Greg Putank, hanging outside Greer’s Chicken with a sign saying, “Will Provide Historical Context For Food.”   Putank vehemently decried these distortions of the truth.  “Both men are lying.  In fact, the second man is not even a historian.  I usually see him dumpster diving outside Price Chopper.  Believe me, no historian would go near their dumpsters.  We are loyal to Stop & Shop!”

“It is an ideal place to get a diachronic perspective for reconstructing aspects of individual and group identity shaped by current political exigencies through contextual analysis of the disposed comestible and toiletry repertoire.  I also like the bagels they toss.”

Price Chopper had no comment, but did brag that one London Marathon finisher was Georgina MacStewart, an employee with their new London store.  Or New London store?

Naysayers Appreciation Day

April 12, 2017

Cynics, sourpusses, and Prophets of Doom will hold a banquet this Saturday at the Forestville Historical Society as part of “Naysayers Appreciation Day.”

Never one to volunteer or contribute anything helpful to the community, the Grousey Gus’s will honor their never ending negative and pessimistic views of everything. The festivities include a reception, banquet and an opportunity to criticize the night’s events.

The Naysayer of the Year Award will be presented to Augie Geller. Mr. Geller will be honored because he has 40 years of experience ridiculing mayors’, the city council, snow plowing, the traffic on Route 6, The Mall, Renascence Downtowns, Muzzy Field, the Water Department, the mill rate, schools, teachers, sidewalks, blight, The Bristol Red Sox, and a wealth of other issues without ever offering a solution to any problem or situation.

Mr. Geller is expected to complain in his acceptance speech about the menu, his table guests, the award and that the room is cold and drafty.