Best of the City Council Now Available on DVD

November 19, 2017

Just in time for Black Friday and the official start of Christmas shopping, Clown Town Video is releasing on DVD, Blue-ray and Digital HD the Best of the City Council 2015 – 2016 Volume 1 for only $29.95.

For the first time ever all of the tension, anger and drama of the 2015 – 2016 council meetings are compiled and presented in vivid color and mono sound.

No city council meetings in the surrounding towns can top Bristol’s in 2015 and 2016 with the harrowing plot lines and unending drama.

Volume 1 is a two-disc set and contains the following:

Disc 1
Nightmare on North Main Street

Pledge of Allegiance (October 2016)
Mary’s Mosaic
Recusal Part 1
Where Do You Live?
Time’s Up!
Calvin’s Crusade
Water Bills!
Recusal Part II
Public Comments: Secret Meetings?
Special Council Meeting June 2016
Censure 1

Disc 2
Beyond Councildome

FOI
Special Council Meeting August 2016
Robert’s Rules of Order, or Not Robert’s Rules of Order, That is the Question
Recusal Part III
Please Stand By: Audio Difficulties
Encourage and Welcome Dissent
Revenge of the Water Bills (Computers Are Not My Favorite Thing)
Announcements
Recusal Part IV
Code Enforcement: Judgement Day
Here We Go Again

Product Description
Recorded Live at 111 N. Main Street in the council chambers it’s the Bristol City Council Meetings 2015 – 2016 Volume 1.

Watch the reading of the minutes, new business, old business and of course the drama. It is all here on 2 discs for the first time ever!

Product Details
• Format: Multiple Formats, Box set, Color, Mono, NTSC
• Language: English (Dolby Digital 2.0)
• Subtitles: English/Gibberish
• Subtitles for the Hearing Impaired: English
• Region: Region 1 (U.S. and Canada only)
• Aspect Ratio: 1.33:1
• Number of discs: 2
• Rated: NR Not Rated
• Studio: Clown Town

Release Date: November 24, 2017

Editorial Reviews
The first of two contentious council years began with promise and hope, and ended with mistrust and infighting.

The Best of the City Council 2015 – 2016 Volume 1 on DVD, Blue-ray and Digital HD includes appearances by an array of residents, city employees, department heads, attorneys, lawyers, barristers, legal advisors and many more.

SPECIAL FEATURES: Audio Commentary by some of the participants. Companion documentary Fahrenheit 1/11 North Main.

Carla Rodriguez Calderón
Seeing this compilation makes me yearn for more drama!

Shelley Nguyen
While watching this I laughed and I cried so I can say it is well worth the 30 bucks.

Rippy Patton
I was there and this %$*# was real!

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The 2017 Inaugural Address

November 14, 2017

Thanks to a recent election, Bristol has a new mayor.  Ellen Zoppo-Sassu was sworn into office under the CFL lights of Bristol Eastern High School.  A band played as she took the oath on an iPad with an opened pdf copy of the Bible.

Her acceptance speech was as electric as her debate speeches.

“The ballots were counted and I can tell you that a certain number of you went to the polls,” Mrs.Zoppo-Sassu began.  “There you filled out ballots and they were counted.  When they were counted the person who won mayor was determined and that was me.”

The most stirring moment came when she quoted Thomas Jefferson.  “In considering the disposition of a will, Jefferson debated ‘whether the consideration of ‘love and affection’ expressed in the deed be sufficient to give it validity depends on this:  whether there was any inheritable relationship between Holman and Alexander and Mary Noe?’  To which he firmly responded – ‘Mary Noe has no right to the land!’  My friends, that’s the message I deliver to you on this podium where I am standing at the present moment at night.”

“I was struck by Jefferson’s words,” one Zoppo-Sassu supporter, Anne Dinkel said.  “I don’t know what it meant, but it was powerful.”

The inspiring lecture ran fifty-three minutes, including ten minutes on bibliography.  After, the crowd was given a pop quiz.  Most did average to fair.  Some however had to stay after the speech and hear it again.

“I completely support her platform,” said Mrs. Dinkel.  “And with the help of her study guide, I should know what that is in a few weeks.”

Mrs. Zoppo-Sassu issued a companion white paper – British for “political platform” – with a 105-point plan for her mayorship.  Boardman has sent it to an English expert at Cambridge for analysis.

“I remember this great quote that really sold me on her,” recalled another excited voter, Mel Dinkel.  “She said, ‘We need a mayor who… needs money’ or ‘wants to save money?’  Anyway, it ended with ‘That’s how I will do it.’  Or something like that.”


Inauguration Concert Follows the Inauguration

November 13, 2017

Following the swearing-in of the Mayor-elect and the City Council Monday night at Bristol Eastern High School, the following acts are appearing at a concert honoring the new mayor and city council members:

Closed Casket

Local music legend Closed Casket, a favorite of the Mayor-elect, will appear but without their legendary horn section of Mickey, Matt and Mickey. The horn section remains in Bristol Hospital following a dreadful tuning accident.

Free Beer: Local bar band set list to feature songs no one has ever heard.

Test Tube Babies: Punk Rock cover band will perform, provided they can remember how to tune their instruments and the drummer can count it off to four.

Gun Nut Crazy: The Country band is scheduled to plays songs which support the Second Amendment. It will be a quick set.

Severed Head

A Heavy Metal act that shreds children’s songs such as Row, Row, Row Your Boat, The Wheels on the Bus and many other favs.

Musical acts are not the only artists performing. There is a mixture of entertainers in the lineup including:

The Delusionist

Performing in the courtyard is Marlon J. Murlow better known as The Delusionist. Is he a conspiracy theorist? A futurist? Maybe both or all of the above.

• Was the War of 1812 a hoax?
• Is the voice in your head you or someone else?
• Is The Periodic Table of the Elements only true some of the time?

Find out as Marlon J. Murlow is The Delusionist. Half magician, half mind reader and half visionary and seer.

• Was Mount Rushmore made from natural earth erosion?
• Is there a day of the week missing?
• Did Amelia Earhart Kidnap the Lindbergh baby?

Find out as Marlon J. Murlow is The Delusionist. One third of his brain is clairvoyant the other third is not.

• Does the All-Seeing Eye have cataracts?
• Did Twentieth Century Fox sink the Titanic so they could later make a hit movie about it?
• Were antidepressants invented to stop the Great Depression?

Find out as Marlon J. Murlow is The Delusionist. Part fake, part made-up and part lies.

The Forestville Civic Ballet

The Forestville Civic Ballet will reenact Ellen’s election victory. The troupe, composed of local prima donnas, will perform the Avant guarde ballet ginned up on Diet Coke and ibproffin. The performance will last two days.

Catering

The entire event is catered by celebrity chef Wolfgang Puck and will include “Democrat friendly food” such as Croissants, Granola, Arugula, Veggie burgers, Massaman curry, Avocado salad, Basil Fried rice, Tom yum soup and Yogurt chicken.

There will be superficial food for the bipartisan types in attendance such as Lemon chicken, Single-serving carrot cake and Shrimp tempura roll.

As for the Republicans they can indulge their taste buds with Mozzarella sticks, Boneless wings and Sweet and sour chicken.


That’s All Folks

November 11, 2017

On a cold rainy night, crowds numbering in the hundreds, gathered throughout Bristol and Forestville to celebrate that the election was finally over. When the news broke a raucous cheer went up and could be heard from Forestville to Witches Rock and over to Chippens Hill.

The celebrations in Forestville were started by unregistered voters and began just after 8PM Tuesday night, and continued into Wednesday.

Roberta Jones, an attendant at Mr. Bubbles Car Wash, was in disbelief. Trembling and with tears filling her eyes, she asked, “Oh my gosh it’s over? It’s really, really over?” Her friend Wendy fell to her knees and cried, “Thank you baby Jesus!”

A woman named Mitzi Danforth, residing on Redstone Hill Road in an earth colored ranch featuring an electric garage door opener and a finished basement, requested her identity not be revealed was thrilled too, “No more phone calls! No mailers! No more drama!”, she roared.

And Councilman Dave Preleski, like the Crying-Indian in the Keep America Beautiful commercials, shed a single tear and solemnly said, “I don’t have to censure anyone anymore.”

Downtown, a massive crowd assembled along Memorial Boulevard blocking many side streets. Police on horseback cleared the area so the celebration could continue. One man wore a brightly colored Fuck Voting! sweatshirt. It fittingly captured the mood and the moment.

Federal Hill saw its fair share of celebrations too with music and dancing, but the mood was sullied when the revelers realized there is another election in just twelve months.


The Lonely Road of the Write-in Candidate

November 1, 2017

The road traveled by the write-in candidate is lonely. No political support; no political machinery and no political friends.

Your name is not on the ballot. You are not invited to debates and the local newspaper cannot remember your name.

Many political observers say it is life in the shadows. It is wearing a Lee Harvey Oswald Was Framed t-shirt and watching Lost in Translation over and over. It is where “None of the Above” and the apathetic voter go to die.

So, just when this election could not get any wilder, Rick Kriscenski, a political candidate for office in the 1990s, steps from the shadows with a fog machine to confuse voters by announcing he is a write-in candidate for mayor.

The City of Bristol and the Village of Forestville, still reeling from the most recent political scandal, were caught off guard by Mr. Kriscenski’s announcement.

“Rick Kriscenski is a write-in candidate? I thought he was in the Witness Protection Program,” remarked Owen Reardon.

Matt Turban was surprised too, “Whoa we have a write-in candidacy a week before the election? Is this an Impractical Jokers gag? Seriously.”

And for Maya Choe she was just as beleaguered but more pointed, “What did we do to deserve this? Oh wait I forgot, this is Bristol, never mind.”

Mr. Kriscenski has vowed to not knock on doors, spend money, accept money, post signs, engage in debates or make any public appearances. Instead he will remain in the shadows alone and focused on the issues, but wearing his Lee Harvey Oswald Was Framed t-shirt.

This is the life and ultimately the death of the write-in candidate.

The election is Tuesday November 7, 2017. Stay semi-informed with Alan Boardman’s semi-comprehensive and semi-accurate election coverage.


Parts of Forestville Without Power

October 30, 2017

Some Forestville-area homes and businesses are without power today due to a powerful east coast storm that brought wind and plenty of rain.

The power outage is caused by strong damaging winds. Local amateur meteorologist Dirk Brentwood said the wind was much needed, “We have had a wind shortage the second half of this fiscal year. The wind in the third quarter alone was spotty at best so these damaging winds come at a good time.”

Luckily the Boardman offices have not lost power and nor do we antici # (_) = .-.- ——–


City Providing Counseling For Drivers Affected by Route 6 Traffic Jams

October 14, 2017

The city of Bristol is providing psychological services for motorists who can no longer handle the traffic congestion on Route 6.

The facility where the sessions take place, ironically, is located on Route 6 near Shop Rite Plaza; the heart of the current construction.

Motorist Bill Draper said having someone to talk to about the construction and the traffic snarls is important. “I have learned that the traffic jams are not out there to get me personally. I have learned they are out there to get everyone!”

The city has eight counselors on hand and more are expected as the traffic delays will continue until November of 2018.

In response to the traffic congestion, a Route 6 support group was created as well by dissatisfied citizens.

They meet every 2nd Tuesday of the month at the Jersey barriers near Britton Road. The group provides an opportunity for members to vent, drink coffee and vent.

Last week they erected a new sign at the Farmington/Bristol border that reads, “WELCOME TO BRISTOL, EXPECT DELAYS.”