AR-15 Semiautomatic Weds Forestville Resident

February 19, 2018

Rusty Curtland and Iris, an AR-15 rifle, were married Saturday in their Forestville home. Bruce Groogan, a Forestville area Justice of the Peace, officiated the occasion.

Mr. Curtland, a Forestville native and an independent contractor specializing in odd jobs, proposed Friday.

The AR-15, named Iris by Mr. Curtland, is a lightweight semi-automatic rifle manufactured in the United States.

The couple met due to a chance encounter at a gun show. “From the moment I saw Iris and held her I knew immediately I was done with handguns and shotguns,” an excited Mr. Curtland explained. “It was love at first sight. Iris gives my life purpose and meaning.”

Rusty proposed to his AR-15 rifle in his basement amongst scented Doe and Buck Urine, and tea lights to help set the mood. He asked for Iris’s hand in marriage because he said, “We share an eternal bond and besides we have been sleeping together for years so it was the right thing to do.” Mr. Curtland went on to say that he believes the AR-15 firearm may eventually be banned because it has become the weapon of choice in mass shootings. “I love my Iris and my Iris loves me and nothing will keep us apart. ‘My bounty is as boundless as the sea,’” he told Boardman.

Curtland, 53, whose first marriage to a Glock 19, a 9mm handgun, ended 10 years ago when the gun disappeared following a night of promiscuous drinking and cavorting.

The ceremony went off with a hitch. The AR-15, with a 30-round magazine, wore black with a red dot optical scope and muzzle to suppress the flash and sound.

The groom wore a waterproof insulated hunting jacket and matching pants with Woodsman Hunting boots.

The couple exchanged their vows in front of a stray dog and a terrified passerby.

The Wedding at a Glance:
Venue: Private estate, Forestville
Catering: None
Dress(es): Colt Manufacturing
Suit: Cabela’s
Photography: Selfies
Officiant: Bruce Groogan
Music: The Best of Molly Hatchet (CD)

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Forestville Celebrates Lincoln’s Birthday

February 12, 2018

The village of Forestville has a several events planned today for Lincoln’s birthday that have nothing to do with the 16th President of the United States and Great Emancipator.

However, there will no reading of the Gettysburg Address or his Second Inaugural. Instead, the following activities are planned:

The Manross Library will host Basket Weaving for Men at 9AM. Instructor, famed Forestville coach, Coach Halpert, will guide men and boys through the intricacies of basket weaving because as the brochure says, “Basket weaving just ain’t for chicks.”

Using marram, straw, willow or bramble, guys will make baskets that are suitable for holding flowers, towels, tiny little soaps, medium wrenches and 3/4″ lug nuts.

Over at the Forestville Historical Society will be an engineering class for women entitled, Engineering for Women. The class is from 1PM until whenever.

Forestville resident Dr. Emma Glockenspiel will teach women civil engineering while they sip wine, gossip, knit, post entries to their gratitude journals or organize their coupons.

Dr. Glockenspiel is a civil engineer with a husband and three loving children and yes, she is very happy.


Art Critics Not Wowed by Route 6 Construction Debris

January 30, 2018

Art critics are disappointed with the construction debris left behind on Route 6 so far.

Local critic Patricia “Penny” Hammerwhite took an instant dislike. “This debris is predictable and so asymmetrical. Stone, debris and miscellaneous garbage. That’s it. In this postmodern contemporary era that don’t work. This project looks like it wants its mommy.”

Holland Cotter, co-chief art critic of The New York Times is equally disturbed, “If you are into mediocrity this is for you. Thus far the debris is bourgeois and so nouveau riche. I can’t believe I said nouveau riche. How low have I sunk?”

According to DOT the road is expected to cost 13 million dollars and be completed in November of 2018.

For Ms. Hammerwhite that’s too long. “We have 10 more months of this? I hope the debris left behind in the coming weeks and months doesn’t continue to be uninspiring, unsophisticated, industrial and urban. Ugh! How about some Neo-Impressionism garbage?”


Community Calendar for January 26-28

January 26, 2018

Here is the listing of events scheduled in Forestville for this weekend:

DATE: Friday January 26, 2018
EVENT: Learn the Proper Way to Cut Out Coupons

CATEGORY: Class/Workshop
LOCATION: Manross Library
TIME: 10-12
SUMMARY: Is it the scissors or the technique? Find out for yourself at the Manross Library on Central Street. World renowned couponer Milly Fescal will provide helpful tips INCLUDING the perils of cutting the bar code.

SUPPLIES NEEDED: Scissors, coupons, binder clips, accordion folder, staple gun, drafting table, two Ticonderoga Woodcase pencils #1, protractor, ball-peen hammer, stationary band saw and two hands. If you don’t have two hands the stationary band saw is not necessary.

DATE: Saturday January 27, 2018
EVENT: Explore the Wonderful World of Kale with Chef Jean-Claude Beauteau

CATEGORY: Class/Workshop
LOCATION: Manross Library
TIME: 10-2
SUMMARY: Chef Jean-Claude Beauteau will show you how to add Kale to anything such as dry food and soda.

Companion class/workshop
2:30-3:00
The Wonderful World of Freezer Food and The Wonderful World of Canned Food.

Arrive early because parking is limited

DATE: Sunday January 28, 2018
EVENT: How Not to Get Caught Speeding Through Residential Neighborhoods

CATEGORY: Class/Workshop
TIME: All Day Event
LOCATION: Manross Library Parking Lot
SUMMARY: Learn how to drive fast through neighborhoods with legendary local speedster AJ Gord (27 speeding tickets in a five year period). Mr. Gord espouses, “Good neighborhood roads are hard to find for speeding so when you finally do it’s nearly impossible to drive the speed limit! Yeehaw!”
Sponsored by The National Speeding Association.

COMMUNITY CANCELATIONS & OTHER NOTEABLES:

All Combat Boot Yoga classes scheduled for Friday and Saturday are canceled.

The Cutest Kid Dressed as a Meatball Photo Contest scheduled at Peck Park Saturday is canceled

Dryer lint collections will continue throughout the weekend.


Schools Closed Today Parents Still Outraged

January 17, 2018

Bristol and Forestville schools are closed today due to a winter storm that is expected to drop 4-7 inches of snow.

The Board of Education made the decision to cancel school Tuesday evening. However, for some parents that was too late. “They knew ten days ago about this storm so they should have canceled then,” said one mother named Marla Walley, who asked not to be identified. “Waiting until the night before the storm is ridiculous! It could have and should have been done last week.”

Parents also complained that the accumulations are not expected to be substantial and blamed the BOE. “Four to seven inches is a waste of everybody’s time. If the Board of Ed wants the day off then they should have a real snowstorm. The Board of Education can’t get anything right,” remarked Rosa Martinez, a parent.

Others were livid with the Public Works Department because their road was not the first to be plowed. “This is ridiculous. I live on a fault line so my street should be plowed first,” remarked Mark Hannah. “If there is an earthquake during the storm how will first responders help me if my road is not plowed?”

Forestville resident Omar Hassan saw it differently. “I live on a very important secondary road so it should be plowed well before everyone else. No it is not near the hospital and no it is not a state road, but it is an essential neighborhood road that is used as a cut through.”

In a related story. Bristol Talks is complaining again…….


Hundred Acre Wood Seized Via Eminent Domain to be Bulldozed and Developed

January 16, 2018

The Hundred Acre Wood, a famed tranquil home to an anthropomorphic teddy bear in East Sussex, England, was recently seized through eminent domain and will be developed into a mixed-use property, according to the BBC.

The beautiful landscape, dotted with pine trees, frothy fields, babbling brooks and filled with Woozles and Heffalump’s, will soon be bulldozed and replaced with shops, multi-family housing, light industrial businesses and a Chik-fil-A.

Many residents are grief stricken about their property being seized, including one named Eeyore, who friends say, has gone off his depression medication in response. Stories like this are common throughout the heath.

The Hoppers

The Hoppers January 2018

Bristol developers are watching this story closely as they have long eyed turning the Hoppers, a 200-acre nature preserve located in Bristol with a menagerie of glacial till, sand, gravel, small stones, kettle holes and brownstone transported by a glacier during the last ice age, into a hip Apple store that is known for building out.

The City of Bristol purchased the geological formation in 1973 from Bristol Savings Bank, but that has not stopped developers from looking at the property with envious and greedy eyes.

Forestville industrialist John Deavers, CEO of the Forestville based Callous Corporation, is keen to purchase the property so he can transform the “supposed glacier” into stucco.


MLK Day 2018

January 15, 2018

Here is your guide to Martin Luther King Jr. Day in Forestville for 2018.

WEATHER:

MLK Day tailgaters better bundle up because temperatures will be in the low 20s under mostly cloudy skies. Winds from the northeast at 9mph are not expected to impact kickoff.

SCOUTING REPORT:

Entering the 32nd consecutive MLK Day as a federal holiday, the country needs some inspiration following another week of ignorant comments by Trump about immigrants, and the unmistakable sound of silence about those comments from the Republican Party and his supporters.

A nation more divided and more polarized since Trump took the Oath of Office, makes today a must-win scenario even though we are only a year into his presidency.

Clearly Trump is in the hot seat so expect him to make obligatory comments today about Mr. King, and the continued cause. However, scouts worn, Trump’s remarks will not be believable due to his blatant disregard for nonwhites, and anyone that is not him.

INJURIES:

Forestville reports the following injures:

Questionable:

Bobby Darwin – Hamstring
Louisa Delgado – Arm
Dick Drago – Elbow
Courtney Flowers – Ankle
Jennifer Jeffries – Knee
Saul Lowenstein – Illness

Drago and Darwin will not start today, but are expected to play. They have been listed as “Out” since New Year’s observations so this is an upgrade.

Doubtful:

Bob Bailey – Shoulder

FESTIVITIES:

Today’s Opening Ceremonies are sponsored by: Hoover Vacuums, Vacuums that Really Suck.

Today’s Closing Ceremonies are Sponsored by:
Ode de Smoke Cologne, Small Like a Cigarette Without Having to Smoke.

MLK QUOTE YOU MAY HAVE NEVER HEARD

“So we have been repeatedly faced with the cruel irony of watching Negro and white boys on TV screens as they kill and die together for a nation that has been unable to seat them together in the same schools.”
April 4, 1967

OTHER MLK QUOTE YOU MAY HAVE NEVER HEARD

“What time is it?”
October 10, 1962