Day 16 Connecticut Held Hostage

July 26, 2017

The budget calamity reminds one of the famous line by Winston Churchill, “These are the times that try men’s souls.” This comment about the 1957 Eurovision song contest may as well been made about the current fiscal battle in Connecticut.

General Fund revenues may drop $400 million in the FY2017 compared to FY2016 with outgoing year revenues $400 million below 2016 expectations. 2017-18 State finances project to run $2.3 billion in deficit or 12% short and 2018-19, $2.8 billion or 14% – a 14% change in the increase in decrease. 100% avoidance in upward trends in tax correlating to 2011 and 2015, spending in 32 of 61 localities over 1.52% municipal and 1.37% education, and mill rates beyond 2.86% is priority 1. But what does this mean?

A Maple Street beggar, Jericho Threshold put it in simple terms. “If pension contributions double to 4%, 33% below the national mean against 1.6% June inflation and 1.6% 2016 GDP growth with a 1.3% price deflator, a 40-year Tier 2 employee retires at $100k but receives a $65K package, while 9-month term teachers make more with $80k at 60 and get 70% of last year pay with 0% contribution. Therefore, Train A traveling 40 mph meets a 30 mph 1,490 kW GG20B in 2 hours with p < 0.05."

Annie Albright, age 10 in 2 years minus 3, makes tiny slippers for cats on Etsy. She notes, "One bill with 78 Democrats supporting, 1% less than the normative 52.3%, claims $0.785 billion per annum median savings for 2 years for 23.3%, but add 2022 – 2027 to current benefits contracts, leaving 5 +/- 1. Turning to the pie chart, if we add the 18 Democrat senators divided by 3 moderates which gives us 6, 10% favor a 1.1% increase to a 6.99% sales tax; against 18 Republicans less 3 who like red cat slippers. If Senator Looney's father is 45, 15 years older than him who is twice his age, how old is Looney?"

Chris Shoeless, representative for Upper Mystic and local Republican party chairman, said, "Sorry, I don't follow politics."

With news that the protection of Connecticut State worker pensions is a top priority for budget writers, a spokesman for the Florida Department of Revenue said, "Whew!"

Extra Credit:
Governor Dannel Malloy has 11 more nickels that he took from taxpayers than quarters. How many coins does he have if the total value of his coins is $2.65?


Boardman Cracks Cruller Theft Ring

July 23, 2017

A week-long investigation into missing crullers from Mr. Boardman’s secret break room stash ended loudly on Friday. The suspect was identified as Terry Terrison, an intern from the Connecticut School of Broadcasting.

The investigation began shortly after ten a.m. when president Alan Boardman arrived in the break room for a snack. Upon discovery of a missing cruller, a hidden camera was ordered installed in the break room. Wearing a hidden microphone, a Boardman employee went undercover posing as a Boardman employee. He pretended to eat lunch for the next three hours, which is allowed under union rules. During this time, he observed Terrison enter and take another illicit cruller. The rest of the time, he sat and watched reruns of “Two and a Half Men” on his iPhone.

Terrison was further incriminated by fingerprints found on the pastry-smeared knob of the break room door. Terrison’s DNA also matched DNA found on a pastry-smeared napkin in the trash can.

Spyware planted on Terrison’s computer uncovered posts on social media in which he openly bragged about taking the crullers. Interception of his phone calls to family, friends and the Russian consulate shed no further light, but Special Counsel Robert Mueller now wants to speak to him. A search of Terrison’s apartment only revealed that he has not thrown out old underwear and likes women with big hair. When his dog was kidnapped and interrogated, the dog would not talk – even for a Lick-O-Chop. His bird would only say how pretty she was.

A full body cavity search of Terrison also provided no further evidence, as did taking a road trip to Springfield in Terrison’s Camaro yelling “Ya-hoo!”

As Terrison recovered from the cavity search, he was finally confronted about the theft by a Boardman compliance employee, a disappointed and tearful Jewish mother and a North Korean prison official. When Officer Sae-Un presented the evidence which included a recovered sample of Terrison’s stool that tested positive for cruller, Terrison broke down in tears and confessed. Terrison was released on his own recognizance, whereupon he ran away screaming.

A Boardman spokesman told Boardman, “We take company theft very seriously. Terrison should have known better after what happened to Al Skivvers.”

Skivvers was an accountant at Boardman until his superior, Wei-Bo Chen, discovered he had taken three pencils and half an eraser home. Skivvers now works in a labor camp in western China.


July 4, 2017

LEADING OFF

My friend Kenny visited the Stop and Shop on Pine Street and noticed they sell various forms of water. “They sell frozen water, cold water and even room temperature water. Why don’t they sell boiling water? I don’t get it.”

Me either.

THEY SAID IT

Forestville resident Toby Jacks recently observed, “The Blues lost all four games during a four game losing streak.”

Well said.

DID YOU KNOW?

The 1980 Olympics were held in 1980?
When people die they are dead?
The Fourth of July happens every July 4th?
Sand is sandy?
The Forestville Fire Station is located in Forestville?

FINAL THOUGHT

This has nothing to do with Forestville, but CNBC reported Trump thinks maybe there should be another “F” in “NAFTA” for free AND fair trade. You know I was hoping the “F” would stand for something else.

Boardman Out


Forestville Man Suing The Periodic Table of the Elements

June 28, 2017

According to court documents, Forestville resident Willie Flanch is suing the Periodic Table of the Elements, and the descendants of the Russian inventor that created the Periodic Table.

Mr. Flanch showing off to friends at a recent party said he could create a small explosion or a rancid smell with his new chemistry kit. So he mixed lead and helium and nothing happened. No explosion. No smell – nothing.

He tried other gases as well and the results were the same. Speaking with Boardman afterward he reflected, “You are often told ‘Hey man don’t mix this with that because bad things could happen.’ Well they should also warn you that mixing lead and helium or lead with any gas like argon, krypton, neon, xenon, radon – yeah radon! – will result in nothing. Those freaking noble gasses suck dude.”

Consequently, Mr. Flanch decided that because the Periodic Table showed no remorse or compassion and was not cooperative after the fact he would seek a legal remedy.

The Periodic Table of the Elements was not able to comment because it is not human.


Baseball Fans Take to the Streets of Forestville to Protest Called Third Strike

June 19, 2017

Baseball fans in Forestville took to the streets early Sunday morning following a disputed called third strike in a pick-up game behind Greene-Hills School Saturday.

In the second inning with nobody on base and two outs and a 0-2 count, Home plate umpire Michael Nerdly called Gavin Dodge out on strikes. Dodge disputed the call and asked for a redo but Nerdly ignored his plea.

According to spectators the pitch in question appeared to be outside and out of the strike zone, but Nerdly said the pitch hugged the outside corner. The play did not decide the contest and the game had absolutely no meaning, but the controversy will live forever.

Charlie Simmer briefly attended the game and was standing down the left field line roughly 200 feet from home plate with an obstructed view and observed, “No way was that a strike! The umpire is blind or he can’t see. I can’t tell which.”

Added Cheryl Murdoch, “I wasn’t at the game so I heard about it through a friend and I can tell you that pitch was not a strike. What a joke. Give me a break!”

Consequently, chanting protestors walked the streets near Peck Park, rallying against the called third strike. The demonstration was peaceful but residents in the small neighborhood awoke to the sounds of protesters denouncing the call with chants of “Hey hey! Ho ho! Michael Nerdly has got to go!” And other colorful slogans such as “Kill the Ump!”

Game Notes:

The team that scores more runs has yet to lose a game in the history baseball.

All the runs scored were by the team on offense.

The game ended when the ball was lost in the woods.


Concertgoers Meet Disappointment

June 5, 2017

– Queen of England Bestows Knighthood To Popular Septic Tank Worker Using Extra Long Sword

– Governor Malloy Pledges To Make Filling Out State Income Tax Forms Fun Again

– Experts Worry Robots Will Lose Their Jobs To Migrant Furbies

Concertgoers
A Southington couple met disappointment when they arrived at Center Park in Manchester Sunday.

“We heard Arianna Grande was playing a benefit in Manchester, but she isn’t here,” said Mike Lumpwell.

His wife hit him in the arm. “I told you it was Manchester, New Hampshire, not Connecticut.”

They next plan to visit New London to see the changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace.

Stories continued on back


Forestville Police Make Arrest for Grammar Faux Pas

June 1, 2017

Forestville Police arrested Morgan Fogarty, on charges related to abusing the English language on social media. Ms. Fogarty, 40, a resident of Forestville, was arrested late yesterday afternoon.

She was charged with 18 counts of run on sentences and 13 counts of improper word usage. Fogarty was apprehended shortly after posting a long and tedious message on Facebook that one friend described as, “going on forever.”

Officers recognized Fogarty from her rudimentary mistakes, which included the wrong usage of excepted for accepted, there for their, and connecting clause after clause after clause with no punctuation.

Fogarty called her recent elongated posts, “merely a stream of consciousness” but police are not convinced. A spokesperson for the department said she has a history of mishandling the language with dangling modifiers, possessive nouns and abusing contractions. “I cant [sic] help it,” Fogarty wrote in her sworn statement following her arrest.