Mayor Goes on Resignation Crusade!

September 20, 2017

Due to the Board of Education’s 2-million-dollar shortfall, the mayor took to social media recently and asked for two of its elected volunteers to resign. Many residents were shocked while his loyal and rabid supporters stood by his statement. However, Boardman has learned that the mayor’s resignation demand is not limited to merely the Board of Education.

Last Saturday during a baseball game at Forestville Little League, with a runner on first in the last inning and his team down by a run, Manager Ed Oates did not ask his batter to bunt. Instead the batter swung away and he hit into a double play.

The mayor, who was in attendance, was incensed by the strategy. Following the ballgame, he again took to social media and condemned the coaches and asked that they too resign. “How do you not bunt in that situation?” he asked pointedly. “I don’t know why they did not bunt they’re, their…then…but they should do everyone a favor and quit.”

His minions, who were not at the game nor familiar with the batter or his skill set or the managers thinking, were quick to pile on to impress the supreme leader. Patriot50 fired the first salvo, “I have tapes of this guy coaching games and I will send them to America’s Funniest Home Videos!” she angrily wrote.

Mimi Pipkens was up next and fired at will. “I heard when Moses came down from Mount Sinai he left several commandments behind and one of them was ‘Thou Shall Not Let Ed Oates be a Volunteer or Manage a Baseball Team.’”

Latham Eikel was more direct and snarled, “For not bunting Ed Oates should be hung and dragged through the streets of Forestville like Mussolini.”

The mayor was not done.

Julius Denforth is the Den Leader for Cub Scout Troop 314, which meets at Greene Hills School Monday nights between 7:30 and 9:00 P.M. Upon hearing that Troop 314 meets Monday nights, the mayor took to social media to denounce Julius and demand his resignation. “Who schedules a meeting during Monday night Football? This guy needs to reszin, reszi,…I mean quit.”

The mayor then went on to provide a list of volunteers that he feels must leave because he said so: Volunteer Fire Departments, Hurricane Irma relief volunteers, Habitat for the Humanities, Red Cross, ARF and the lemonade stand on Academy Street because “the lemonade don’t taste twoto..too…no good.”

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Police Take Sketch Artist Pierre Chantel Off The Case And The Easel

September 9, 2017

“Sketch of Robbery Suspect No. 4”,  Pierre Chantel, pencil on paper (2017).  Upon arrest, police were surprised to discover that contrary to Chantel’s drawing, the suspect was a woman with fingers not toes on her hands.

After a year of doing composite drawings for the Forestville Police Department, Sketch Artist Pierre Chantel was asked to resign Thursday.
 
Chantel was known for sketching suspects from witness descriptions in the style of early 20th-Century Cubism.  His disdain for the Realist movement of contemporary forensic and police sketch artists made him a persistent target of criticism.  In one case, detectives complained that his sketch of the head of a car theft ring made them spend weeks looking for a man with three fingers and one-and-a-half eyes.

The FPD was further put off by Chantel’s need to sign and hand number his work.  His habit of framing each sketch also made them difficult for police to carry about.

However, the art world was impressed.  His “Sketch of the Dale’s Package Store Shoplifter” may not have netted an arrest but it did get $500 at Sotheby’s, as well as solicitations by other suspects for drawings of themselves.

Chantel was lauded by Roberta Smith, art critic for the New York Times and lecturer on contemporary art and to the unruly kids in her neighborhood.  She lamented the “short-sightedness” of the FPD in firing someone who “so well captures the beauty of those society callously labels ‘criminals.'”  She asked, “Since when did police departments become all about enforcing the law?”

Rockwell Park constable Pat O’Reilly rocked on his heels and said, “The constabulary never took a fancy to his work.  His doodles only made sense after a night on the lash sharing a few pints with the lads from Terryville.  Them was the days… But Chantel did help us in finding a cello that was cut in fourths and glued back together at odd angles.”
 
Chantel will be replaced by Crissy Foster.  An FPD spokesman beamed about the new police sketch artist.  “She’s still in kindergarten, but her drawings have received high marks from her teacher and even a gold star. And thanks to work she just did for us, we are hot in pursuit of a thief with a purple balloon for a head, eyes that are dots, and stick arms and legs.”

Mr. Chantel was not available for comment, commenting, “I, Pierre Chantel, do not talk to mere reporters.”


Forestville MILF Still Turning Heads

August 12, 2017

Barbara Deavers, a 55 year old mother of two and wife of Forestville industrialist John Deavers, was spotted sporting peep toe heels and an earth toned summer dress at the Stop &Shop on Pine Street late yesterday.

As she navigated her way through the aisles during her grocery run, she garnered a lot of attention from the male shoppers and employees alike.

Observers say she shopped effortlessly buying produce, cereal and bread. Stealing the spotlight from the price marker employee, she was radiant and showcased her sleek and slender build.

While in Aisle 4 she caught the attention of employee Jimmy Slates who could not remain focused on stocking the Fruity Pebbles he was tasked, “I mean like she is way better than all the other MILFs that come in here cuz like I don’t know,” Mr. Slates gushed.

Mrs. Deavers burst onto the MILF radar in the 1990s following the birth of her second Seth, and has remained there ever since.

RELATED HEADLINES

Does Plainville Have a MILF Shortage?

What is the Proper Term for an Attractive Older Father, DILF or FILF? The Women of Forestville Want to Know Dammit!


City of Bristol’s Charter and Code of Ordinances Book a Huge Success!

August 4, 2017

We previously reported on the publication of the City of Bristol’s Charter and Code of Ordinance. The first printing sold all five copies within a month. After this success, a wider release was ordered by Simon & Schuster. The second edition includes bonus pull-out posters of councilmen in suggestive poses.

The book features illustrations by Nick Park. His characters Wallace and Grommit are depicted negotiating various ordinances, like coming up with the $250 city fee to operate a lemonade stand unless said lemonade originates from a Bristol farm or a veteran. In another example, Grommit fails to produce a rabies certificate for his dog license and is chased by Bristol Animal Control. Hilarity ensues until the final panel, which is quite sad.

Pre-sales have the mostly nonfiction book at #25,012 on Amazon and a New York Times Bestseller. “A municipal retelling of its own narrative,” beamed Times reviewer Harriet Lane. “The Council outdid itself in this year’s crop of ordinances (a more well-considered output than this year’s yawner, ‘Terryville’s Big Book of Ordinances’). The reader is feverishly charmed by the frothy pomo Sec. 5-21.1 and the heady Sec. 3.2. of Appendix D.”

Online customer reviews found the book made for easy summer reading on the beach and an attractive way to smoosh ants. Another called it, “the Harry Potter entry in the wizarding world of bureaucracy.” The book has even spawned fan nonfiction on WordPress.

Councilmen Mary Fortier and Anthony D’Amato will embark on a promotional tour this month, appearing at Barnes & Nobles in Waterbury, West Hartford and Farmington and at Sal’s XXX Book Nook in Southington. They will also give an interview on CT-N, the Connecticut government access network, with Production Technician 1 Sarah Schulz. CNN was on the itinerary until they realized that no one watches that channel.

Title: The Wonderful City of Bristol Presents: The Charter and Code of Ordinances
Authors: Various
Paperback: 550 and a half pages
Language: Mostly English
Year: 2017
Price: $50.00 Paperback; $10.00 Kindle

Bristol Prime members get 20% off the book. Members also get discounts on city services, including same-day delivery of water bills and courtesy hat-tipping by police


Forestville Man Successfully Makes Bank Deposit

August 2, 2017

Gavin Peppers successfully deposited birthday money into his savings account shortly after 2 PM today. No one was reported injured.

Glenn Thrush, April Ryan, Lorenzo Burgio, Eugene Robinson, Ben Bradlee Jr., Mike Barnicle, Joseph Rago, Hamed Aleaziz, Don Stacom, Barbara Demick, Robert Lipsyte, Kirsten Powers, Thomas Friedman, Carl Bernstein, Paul Krugman, Seymour Hersh, David J. Frum, Pete Hamill, Katy Tur, Maggie Haberman, and Edward Clarkin contributed to this story.

Correction: A previous version of this report neglected to mention that Mr. Peppers is 68 years old. Boardman deeply regrets the omission.


Day 16 Connecticut Held Hostage

July 26, 2017

The budget calamity reminds one of the famous line by Winston Churchill, “These are the times that try men’s souls.” This comment about the 1957 Eurovision song contest may as well been made about the current fiscal battle in Connecticut.

General Fund revenues may drop $400 million in the FY2017 compared to FY2016 with outgoing year revenues $400 million below 2016 expectations. 2017-18 State finances project to run $2.3 billion in deficit or 12% short and 2018-19, $2.8 billion or 14% – a 14% change in the increase in decrease. 100% avoidance in upward trends in tax correlating to 2011 and 2015, spending in 32 of 61 localities over 1.52% municipal and 1.37% education, and mill rates beyond 2.86% is priority 1. But what does this mean?

A Maple Street beggar, Jericho Threshold put it in simple terms. “If pension contributions double to 4%, 33% below the national mean against 1.6% June inflation and 1.6% 2016 GDP growth with a 1.3% price deflator, a 40-year Tier 2 employee retires at $100k but receives a $65K package, while 9-month term teachers make more with $80k at 60 and get 70% of last year pay with 0% contribution. Therefore, Train A traveling 40 mph meets a 30 mph 1,490 kW GG20B in 2 hours with p < 0.05."

Annie Albright, age 10 in 2 years minus 3, makes tiny slippers for cats on Etsy. She notes, "One bill with 78 Democrats supporting, 1% less than the normative 52.3%, claims $0.785 billion per annum median savings for 2 years for 23.3%, but add 2022 – 2027 to current benefits contracts, leaving 5 +/- 1. Turning to the pie chart, if we add the 18 Democrat senators divided by 3 moderates which gives us 6, 10% favor a 1.1% increase to a 6.99% sales tax; against 18 Republicans less 3 who like red cat slippers. If Senator Looney's father is 45, 15 years older than him who is twice his age, how old is Looney?"

Chris Shoeless, representative for Upper Mystic and local Republican party chairman, said, "Sorry, I don't follow politics."

With news that the protection of Connecticut State worker pensions is a top priority for budget writers, a spokesman for the Florida Department of Revenue said, "Whew!"

Extra Credit:
Governor Dannel Malloy has 11 more nickels that he took from taxpayers than quarters. How many coins does he have if the total value of his coins is $2.65?


Boardman Cracks Cruller Theft Ring

July 23, 2017

A week-long investigation into missing crullers from Mr. Boardman’s secret break room stash ended loudly on Friday. The suspect was identified as Terry Terrison, an intern from the Connecticut School of Broadcasting.

The investigation began shortly after ten a.m. when president Alan Boardman arrived in the break room for a snack. Upon discovery of a missing cruller, a hidden camera was ordered installed in the break room. Wearing a hidden microphone, a Boardman employee went undercover posing as a Boardman employee. He pretended to eat lunch for the next three hours, which is allowed under union rules. During this time, he observed Terrison enter and take another illicit cruller. The rest of the time, he sat and watched reruns of “Two and a Half Men” on his iPhone.

Terrison was further incriminated by fingerprints found on the pastry-smeared knob of the break room door. Terrison’s DNA also matched DNA found on a pastry-smeared napkin in the trash can.

Spyware planted on Terrison’s computer uncovered posts on social media in which he openly bragged about taking the crullers. Interception of his phone calls to family, friends and the Russian consulate shed no further light, but Special Counsel Robert Mueller now wants to speak to him. A search of Terrison’s apartment only revealed that he has not thrown out old underwear and likes women with big hair. When his dog was kidnapped and interrogated, the dog would not talk – even for a Lick-O-Chop. His bird would only say how pretty she was.

A full body cavity search of Terrison also provided no further evidence, as did taking a road trip to Springfield in Terrison’s Camaro yelling “Ya-hoo!”

As Terrison recovered from the cavity search, he was finally confronted about the theft by a Boardman compliance employee, a disappointed and tearful Jewish mother and a North Korean prison official. When Officer Sae-Un presented the evidence which included a recovered sample of Terrison’s stool that tested positive for cruller, Terrison broke down in tears and confessed. Terrison was released on his own recognizance, whereupon he ran away screaming.

A Boardman spokesman told Boardman, “We take company theft very seriously. Terrison should have known better after what happened to Al Skivvers.”

Skivvers was an accountant at Boardman until his superior, Wei-Bo Chen, discovered he had taken three pencils and half an eraser home. Skivvers now works in a labor camp in western China.