Chris Wright Wine Tasting Fundraiser Only 10 Days Away!

July 15, 2018

Anticipation is building for the Chris Wright Wine Tasting Political Fundraiser on Thursday July 26th at the Bristol Historical Society (BHS).

Fans and former constituents of Mr. Wright are already lining up outside BHS because they have nothing else to do. In fact, a small group is camped out and created a tent city, which they dubbed Wrightville.

According to casual political observers this is one of the most eagerly anticipated political fundraisers for the month of July. “It is an opportunity to get a little tipsy, donate money to a candidate and see real life politicians up close and in person,” observed Rita Miller who does not plan to attend because, “I don’t drink and I can’t spare the 35 bucks to get in.”

Wrightville

It has been several years since Mr. Wright was in office so Democrats are rolling out the red carpet. Variety reports that it will be a star-studded event as almost all of the locally elected Democrats will be in attendance if there is not a Bristol Blues game.

The mayor is expected to be there and wear a black Luis Vuitton suit with a Dooney & Bourke handbag and Jimmy Choo heels. City Councilwoman Mary Fortier will also adorn a black Luis Vuitton suit and Jimmy Choo heels, but forgo the handbag so she does not clash with the mayor.

Dean Kilbourne, Chairman of the Bristol Democrats told Boardman, “There has not been this type of hype and anticipation since the traffic light was fixed at the intersection of Washington Street and Central Street.”

BOARDMAN DEATH UPDATE

As of this hour Alan Boardman remains deceased but over the last 48 hours his condition has improved. The medical team attending to Mr. Boardman’s death say they do not expect his death to interfere with the rest of his life.

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City Council Minutes Now Available in Paperback

April 13, 2018

The March minutes to the Bristol City Council meeting from March 13, 2018, are now available in paperback.

The March 2018 council meeting comes to life as the curious reader will enjoy a transcript of the Committee Reports, Resignations, Consent Calendar, Unfinished Business and Appointments.

The book also goes beyond the issues and explores the requirements of a public meeting, agenda preparation and approval, how to type the minutes, how to read the minutes, how to have a fun little quorum, the joys of FOI requests and so much more.

A compendium of all things city council is included in the back of the book in the area where people usually do not read nor venture.

It is not the Camelot of the Arthurian world or the Algonquin Roundtable, but a suzerainty that insufflates an iconic building with the mundane and mysterious.

This edition comes with a fifty-page preface by Mayor Ellen Zoppo-Sassu complete with references and a story about an extra credit project she did in college.

The book is also available as an audio book narrated by the mayor with music by the kazoo section of the Bristol Philharmonic.

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Product details
• Series: Bristol City Council Classics
• Paperback: 512 pages
• Publisher: 111 North Main; 1 edition (March 13, 2018)
• Language: Supposedly English
• Product Dimensions: 5 x 0.9 x 7.8 inches
• Shipping Weight: 12.6 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)– does not ship outside Bristol/Forestville
• Average Customer Review: 4.2 out of 5 stars 941 customer reviews
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #1,354,322.5 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
• #3,000560 in Books > Law > Regional > Bristol
• #100,000 in Books > Textbooks > Epic
• #3 in Books > Literature & Fiction > Poetry > Regional & Cultural > Ellen Zoppo-Sassu

Customer Reviews

This is my favorite book of all time!
E. Zoppo-Sassu

I’ve long been a fan of the Bristol City Council Classics series, so when I heard a new edition was coming out, I was so excited I had to tell my pet fish Sophie all about it. While I enjoyed the controversial “2018 February Minutes of the Bristol City Council,” this one is by far the best the City Council has put out IMHO. I’m excited that it is finally in paperback!
E. Gurney

I’ve read many books like this including the picture book, “2018 February Minutes of the Southington City Council,” and the “Selected Federal Taxation Statutes and Regulations: 2018 with Motro Tax Map (Selected Statutes).” This was fairly entertaining once you get past the two days it takes to read the preface. However, if you want a quicker read, try the “2018 Hartford Balanced Budget Plan.”
W. Betts


I give this book a low rating because I thought I had purchased a different book.
H. Weinstein

From the seller
We are sorry for the mixup. Your copy of the 2018 March Minutes of the Bristol City Council of Hot Babes is on its way.


MBS Building Committee Breaks Up Due to Creative Differences

April 8, 2018

Yesterday, the Memorial Boulevard School (MBS) Building Committee announced they are breaking up due to infighting and creative differences.

Formed in 2015, the building committee had a meteoric rise as MBSmania gripped the community and residents embraced their work.

A series of films were released to capitalize on their popularity: A Hard Day’s MBS and All You Need is MBS.

Consequently, an over confident chairman remarked to the Bristol Press in 2016, “We are more popular than the Planning Commission.”

The statement sparked outrage among Bristol Republicans so they burned their MBS memorabilia, and urged Bristol schools to ban books about MBS from being read in classrooms.

That same year rumors swirled that committee member Limping Larry died in a breathing accident and was replaced with a look-a-like.

Appearing on the Bristol Beat, an online radio station at the time, in the summer of 2017 and having been around petroleum products all day, lead conspiracy theorist Myron Goldberg stated, “There are no photos of the committee and the name of Forestville resident Limping Larry appears nowhere on their webpage or their minutes? Why?” Sipping from a cup of antifreeze he continued, “If you read the committee minutes backwards and then read them forwards there are clues suggesting Limping Larry is deceased, but there are no clues suggesting he is dead. How can that be?

Following Mr. Goldberg’s appearance, Limping Larry is Dead began trending for almost an entire minute.

The committee was soon beset with internal problems.

The summer of 2017 MBS members and their families visited India to meditate with the Maharishi, but returned almost immediately because there was no Starbucks, and they discovered the Maharishi died in 2008.

The Maharishi

During the final days of the 2017 municipal election and as the MBS project became a campaign issue, two members of the committee staged a Bed-in called “Give MBS a Chance.”

The bed-in was beset with problems from the onset because one member wanted a Bob-o-pedic mattress while the other wanted a Craftmatic adjustable bed, and there were issues with the pillows.

Last month they surprised everyone by holding their monthly meeting on the roof of city hall in what can only be called a desperate last gasp. The meeting was taped by Nutmeg TV for a movie to be called Let Us Be.

Based on these issues and several other factors their breakup was announced early Saturday.

City councilors will wear black armbands at Tuesday’s council meeting, and the City of Bristol’s flag will fly at half-staff during lunch Monday.

Sebastian Goo contributed nothing to this story.


The Editorial Declaration

April 4, 2018

“In jest, there is truth.”
William Shakespeare, King Lear

When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for the good of the municipality to severe the political bands which have connected them to their elected executive; prudence dictates, when presented with a long train of abuses and usurpations it is the right, it is the duty of the citizenry to throw of such Governance and to provide a new guard by electing a new executive.

Alas, on the 7th day in the 11th month in the first century of the 3rd millennium, came the great referendum – wherein Bristol voters resoundingly rejected the boorish and unbefitting behavior of its querulous king.

Let facts be the facts:

A petulant king, who impugned the character of anyone who endeavored to defy him.

A course king, armed with a fractious temper and a trite catalogue of pithy insults, besmirched and belittled as if it were sport.

A scurrilous king, who, with cruel and calculated malice, publicly humiliated a family member, and later offered a feeble and disingenuous apology.

A bully king, who swore an oath but violated and breached that oath thus his thrown was overthrown.

And now, reduced to nothing more than a chronic, bitter deposed king, who, in his political convalescence, when humility, grace and reflection are the order of the day, remains impish and petty like a child.

If the censured and excoriated king is incapable of learning and examining and cannot and will not look inward, why should anyone with air in their lungs take into consideration the merit of his tired words?

Alas, the lessons taught on the 7th day in the 11th month in the first century of the 3rd millennium have not been learned and undoubtedly never will.


Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow

March 28, 2018

Since local government changed hands in early November, Bristol Republicans have conjured conspiracy after conspiracy against the new mayor Ellen Zoppo-Sassu and the Democrats.

There was the BOE deficit, health care for two, Charter Revision Committee-gate, MBS for God knows what this week, and the fire department schedule change just to name a few to keep this under 426 words. Once regarded as practical and astute the republicans have become the party du jour for the tin foil hat crowd leaving many to wonder, what happened to them?

So in an effort to find out, late last week on a cold and stormy night, Boardman was taken to a secret meeting in Tory Den; a rock formation in the foothills of the Bristol and Burlington border where citizens that were loyal to the British crown once hid.

With the next council meeting only a few weeks away, Bristol Republicans gathered here to cook up their newest conspiracy.

Three republican witches huddled in the dark cavern over a great boiling cauldron, and begin to create their brew. With the eye of a newt and the toe of a frog deposited into the grand broth, the republicans chant, “Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and caldron bubble.”

The first witch leans over the kettle and speaks,
“I doth not like her I must confess,
So we must tarnish any success.”

The second witch comes forth and following a clap of thunder announces,
“Round about the cauldron go,
In the fire department work schedule I shall throw.”

Ashes emanate from the scalding cauldron into the frosty night air.

The third witch, addressing the bubbling cauldron, and stirring the brew howls,
“By the pricking of my thumbs
Something wicked this way comes.
Write some editorials,
That are accusatorial.”

The midnight hags retreat and the assembly marvels at their good fortune. But what does it mean and what does it matter?

Alas from from the rabble emerged the jester adorned in orange breeches, orange tights, orange jester shoes and an orange petticoat; with a tin foil hat like a fool’s cap, and a stick he found in the forest.

Clearing his throat the jester delivers his soliloquy.

“To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.”


The Sore LoserPaLooza Comes to Forestville

March 20, 2018

Sore LoserPalooza is coming to the green near the Forestville Train Station this June 9th and 10th. That’s right, sore Losers, whiners and poor sports alike can complain, name call and blame others for their discontent without being judged.

If you are bitter, angry, always point the finger and never own your troubles or defeats, and; you never look inward like a normal person, then this is the place for you!

Sore LoserPalooza is a two-day bitch fest for athletes, politicians, office workers and shut-ins to blame others and insult rivals.

In addition to the blaming anyone but themselves mantra, sore losers can play interactive video games such as Scapegoat. Scapegoat is an arcade style game with a large video screen and sound system where players conquer the world, and inevitably lose but it is not their fault so they get to pick the scapegoat!

Venders will be on hand too selling crying towels, tissues AND the best selling book The Blame Game: How the World is Out to Get You.

In keeping with the anger and doom and gloom of the attendees, there will be music from the likes of Depeche Mode, The Smiths and The Cure.

The VIP guest list is still to be announced but past speakers include: Tom Brady, Cam Newton and Sergio Garcia.

Admission is free but tickets are ten bucks.


Four Keys to a Successful City Council Meeting Tonight

March 13, 2018

Tonight at 7PM there is a City Council meeting.

The City Council has gotten off to a good start this year, but in order to keep the momentum going there are four keys to make sure that tonight’s meeting is successful too.

Why only four keys? Because Boardman could not think of five.

Opening Ceremonies

It is important the meeting begin without any problems and what better way than to have the Pledge of Allegiance happen without a hitch. If everyone does it unison it should be a good night. However, if someone misses a beat it will be an omen of things to come.

Peter Kelley with an e Needs to Turn his Microphone on and Keep it on

Mr. Kelley has difficulties with his microphone because he forgets to turn it on and keep it on. “I need to cut down on my unforced errors. It’s a killing us in the red zone during these meetings,” Mr. Kelley explained at Media Day last Tuesday. “There is no question I have to take better care of the microphone.”

Consent Calendar

The City Council is addressing what many residents have complained about for years and years: the length of the Consent Calendar. At press time there are nine items on the agenda for tonight. As a result, they announced new initiatives, which includes a countdown clock and buzzers for items that run long.

Councilors will also be reminded by the Chair to cut down on their use of adjectives, and to read faster.

If the Corporation Counsel Chimes in it Could be a Long Night

Should the Corporation Counsel get control of the microphone the Chair may never get it back, and thus lose the audience and the meeting.

“Time of Possession is important at meetings like this,” Councilwoman Mary Fortier told Boardman. The audience does not want to hear words like “complex litigation” or “update” or “Petitioner v so and so”. If the City Council can win the time of possession battle this will be a successful meeting.”

At the meeting in February they nearly lost control because the Corporation Counsel went on and on with details regarding four lawsuits that were never brought to the council for approval.

District 2 Councilman Dave Preleski said he was stunned by those revelations, “I was stunned by those revelations and didn’t think we would ever get the microphone back. Josh (Medeiros) and I ordered takeout because it took so long. Who knew?”

The City Council meeting starts at 7PM with an after party beginning shortly thereafter.