Cara to Replace Nikki Haley?

October 22, 2018

Cara Pavalock-D’Amato, Connecticut State Legislator from the 77th House District in Bristol, is the leading contender to replace Nikki Haley as the U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations, according to sources.

Mrs. Pavalock-D’Amato is on the Education and Environment Committees, and is a strong supporter of the American despot Donald J. Trump, which pleases the supreme leader. “Cara is a person Trump should consider for U.S. Ambassador because she says nice things about Trump. She had an ice sculpture made of Trump at her wedding and has nylons with Trump on them too. How could Trump not consider her?”, Trump said to Boardman while counting his money in the Oval Office with his look at me I am in charge face.

A graduate of St. Paul Catholic High School, Providence College and a bunch of other fancy places, Cara has served two terms in the Connecticut legislature and is going for the hat trick this November.

Although she has no experience in global politics, foreign policy, promoting diplomatic and economic ties with other countries, assessing security risks, negotiating international trade agreements and adhering to diplomatic protocol, many think she will have an easy conformation process because no one seems to care anymore about anything.

However, political insiders believe Cara will not take the post because she would no longer be able to attend “Coffee With Your Legislator” at Rodd’s every month.


New Political Reality Show Airing on Nutmeg TV!

October 15, 2018

A television program called Forestville’s Next Great Politician is now airing on Nutmeg TV.

Earlier this year, would-be politicians lined up outside the studios of Nutmeg TV for an opportunity to appear on the public access channel’s foray into reality television.

Aspiring politicians of every political stripe are competing against each other for the title of “Forestville’s Next Great Politician”, with the winner receiving the nomination of their respective party for local office in the future.

“My strategy is to promise everything, say nothing and insult my way through the entire process like Trump. So, like, I will give everyone a nickname such as Whit Place Your Betts, and Chris I Ain’t Ever Wright. They don’t mean nothing, but ain’t they the funniest things ever? Lock Her Up! Lock Her Up! Lock Her Up!”, screamed contestant Erie Delbo at Boardman while foaming at the mouth.

Noted Forestville political operative Egor is participating in the program too, “Egor like show. Egor like TV. Egor like politics. So, Egor be candidate on TV. Rrrrr!”, he remarked during a press conference to promote the show.

Contestants are judged on a multitude of political skills such as: humility, speech delivery, policy creation, door knocking, stretching the truth, talking points, social media, pivoting and evening wear.

Judges for Forestville’s Next Great Politician are Mayor Ellen Zoppo-Sassu, and City Councilors Mary Fortier and Dave Mills. Weekly guest judges may include U.S. Representative for Connecticut’s 1st congressional district John Larson, and (name redacted because he does not like to be satirized).

There is no guarantee that the winner will become a Forestville A-Lister though. “This is an exclusive club,” Mary Fortier explained while sharing a bottle of Château Lafite Rothschild at Chippanee Country Club with her City Council colleagues. “We don’t just give out the A-Lister Forest Green Jacket and Certificate. You must prove you belong in the cool club with the cool people. Plus, you have to serve more than one term. Sorry them’s the rules.”

Forestville’s Next Great Politician airs on alternating Monday nights immediately following How to Push a Shopping Carriage and prior to Off the Air.

Review of the October 2018 City Council Meeting

October 11, 2018

On an unseasonably warm autumn evening, the Town crier, steadies himself on the rostrum by taking a sip from his golden goblet. His throat now warm and pliable, he announces to the citizens who have gathered in the gallery of the great chamber, “Oyez! Oyez! Oyez!” The crowd rises in unison and the Crier continues, “Give your attention, the City Council is now sitting and in session!” As his booming voice echoes throughout the building, the mayor and city councilors enter the chamber and present themselves to the assembled body.

Wielding an ivory gavel, the mayor brings the October 2018 City Council Meeting to order.

The Lords of the Mum, donned in long wigs, black breeches, silk stockings, buckled shoes, laced cuffs and jabots, conduct the business of the chartered burghal.

Announcements and Committee Reports are quickly disposed, and a steady procession of issues navigate their way through the seats of judgment and decision.

The business of the previous administrator, an impugned authority who once recklessly presided over these proceedings, briefly presents itself before this collective body one last time. The sums of his malfeasance are tallied and presented publicly, the matter finally settled and part of the historic record for perpetuity.

Before the night gives way, a recess is declared and there is an adjournment. For the Executive Session the Lords take leave to the Chamber of Seclusion to consult the Cone of Decision and thence confer.

Upon the council conclave being complete, plumes of smoke billow from the small chimney atop the building notifying the occupants of the community that the Executive Session is over, and the public business of the municipality has resumed.

The synod complete, closing formalities begin. The town Crier returns to the rostrum, and taking another sip from the golden goblet and straightening his tricorne hat, he dismisses the proceedings, “Business before this council is now over, God save Bristol and this forum! Help control the pet population. Have your pets spayed or neutered.”

The mayor’s gavel falls once more bringing the October City Council meeting to a close.

Forestville Man Develops Political Slogans

October 4, 2018

Developing a political slogan is no easy matter. The slogan must create a contrast between the candidate and their opponent, have a message and be three to four words.

A review of the local candidates in this election cycle shows just that. For Democrat Kevin Fuller he whipped up, “Together We Win”.

And Republican Cara Pavalock-D’Amato has “Re-elect Cara” on her lawn signs.

Both slogans are short, effective end get the point across. However, one man wishes political slogans would be longer and more direct.

Latham Eikel, a Forestville republican operative, said candidates should just cut right to the chase and break away from the three to four-word norms. “A few years ago, I urged (name redacted because he/she does not like to satirized) ‘Vote for Me because My Opponent Sucks’ and ‘Hey, I am Not as Douchey as I am Being Portrayed’ as campaign slogans. Unfortunately, they were not used and (name redacted because he/she does not like to be satirized) lost.”

Another strategy Eikel likes to employ is to call out voters. “Voters have elected some bad people and they should be chastised. For example, I told (name redacted because he/she does not like to be satirized) to have lawn signs that say, ‘People That Vote for my Opponent are Losers’ and ‘Voters Who Vote for What’s His Name Should Die.’ Both were not used and (name redacted because blah, blah, blah) lost. I don’t get it.”

Mr. Eikel said politics is changing right before us, “In this era, civility and decorum mean nothing and maybe they never did. Consequently, you can say anything you like even on a campaign law sign.”

Latham Eikel’s Recommended Political Slogans for Local Candidates

David Rackliffe “Tired of Hearing About Infrastructure Because it is Boring”
Henri Martin “Change is no Good and Neither are You if Vote for the Other Guy”
Chris Wright “I am Seriously All in on Red Tape”
Whit Betts “Everyone That Votes for Me Gets a Bushel of Corn”

Candidate Forum

October 2, 2018

A Review of the NAACP Candidate Forum
By The Moll

Local Candidates for Connecticut State Offices squared off at the NAACP town hall style forum Monday night. The event was held at the Bristol Public Library where the public asked questions of the office seekers. Alas, no more time should be wasted with this Preamble so let’s get down to the nut cutting.

Some of Bristol’s powerful, popular and connected are here and talking to Bristol’s powerful, popular and connected. Good idea not to make conversation with commoners. I’m just a voter so why talk to me?

Here comes Whit Betts aaaaand there goes Whit Betts. Not even a hello. I am surprised he doesn’t have a bushel of corn for everyone.

Wait, here comes Chris Wright aaaaand there goes Chris Wright. Am I invisible?

For the “meet and greet” portion of the night, I don’t see much meet and greet.

Cara Pavalock-D’Amato has arrived. I’m surprised she is not being carried in on a litter by six muscular men in togas. Even though she has been mean to Boardman not once, not twice but 2.5 times, I am warming to her.

Perhaps I have been too critical of Cara. My observations unfair, my criticism unwarranted; couched in a bias. No, despite my ill health, I am not on medical marijuana or suffering from a mental illness. I am really, really trying here to like her.

Full disclosure: I have gone days without any pain meds so friends say my judgement is grossly “impaired”, my beliefs “compromised”, and my rationale “devoid of reality.”

Face off
Puck dropped at 6:30. Here we go the Pledge of Allegiance starts us off.

I am lonely and bored.

Tolls? How is this STILL an issue?

Time to text a “friend.” Oh, wait, silly me, no cell service in here. Jesus H!

For the love of God Henri speak up. Why does every political event have an audio issue? Where is the AV Club when you need them?

What’s the score of the Cubs Brewers game? I heard the Cubbies lost.

Do-de, do-de do.

The new guy Allen Marko is about to speak so this should be bor-HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! That voice is booming! The room is shaking, my chair moving! A seismic wave has come across the room. Dear God make it sto-

I am huffing and puffing.

Give me a minute.

How come there is no merchandise for sale here? I would buy a “I Survived Representative Ziogas Justifying the Benefit of Tolls!” t-shirt in a heartbeat.

Medical marijuana question…seems like a unanimous no. Sooo, alcohol “okay” marijuana not “okay.” Huh? That does not make any sense to me. Are they passing the dutchie? Hitting the hay? Mowing the grass? Burning one down up there on the dais?

Henri put everyone to sleep with that bump stock ban answer of his. When the crowd woke up from their naps he was still talking about bump stocks. That was so 20 minutes ago dude.

7 something or other
Did Chris just go after Cara? Hey, hey, hey not tonight buddy.

Okay she deflected and has been on a defense. Hmm.

Exact time unknown
Oh God no! Marko is on his feet ready to speak. Where is my emergency preparedness kit? Blocking ears…fearing for life…walls shaking…are my ears bleeding?

Hang on…it’s over.

Will there be any aftershocks? The guy under his chair next to me says no. We are “okay.” The all clear was issued.

Why did I come here? There are 60,477 people living in Bristol with 35,383 registered voters of which 12,529 voted in 2017. There are roughly 70 seats in here and several are empty.

Despite all the complaining, all the grandstanding and all the anger – not everyone cares as much as they would like you to believe.

Library Prepares for Candidate Forum

September 30, 2018

The eyes of the Bristol/Forestville political world will be upon the Bristol Public Library (BPL) Monday for the NAACP Candidate Forum at 6 PM.

While the candidates prepare for every conceivable question, library staff are preparing the facility for the debate. With two credentialed media passes issued (Boardman was not issued one nor invited), more space is needed to accommodate the two reporters, their cell phones and their egos.

Sunday night the BPL Maintenance staff completed setting up the cold and antiseptic folding chairs, and most importantly a table for food. Monday, they expect to finish cleaning the rugs in the room where the forum will be held with a Hoover Vacuum and a Stanley Steamer.

Earlier in the week, the staff secured 3×5 index cards so audience members can write their questions out for the candidates. “The ruled or index cards with lines are better to use because they are easier to read,” remarked BPL Director of Events, Heidy Winger. “I told the staff if they came back from Staples with index cards that are not ruled, or God forbid are 4×6, they would have to attend one of those Coffee With Your Legislator and listen to Cara (Pavalock-D’Amato), Whit (Betts) and Henri (Martin) go on and on about how everything sucks.”

Library staff is pulling out all the stops to make sure the event goes off without a hitch. Not only did they purchase No. 2 Ticonderoga pencils and a pencil sharpener, but they also secured note pads so the candidates can doodle and look like they are they are taking copious notes.

Bristol and Forestville Await Cara’s Gigantic Signs

September 24, 2018

File photo

Anticipation is building throughout Bristol/Forestville for the appearance of State Representative Cara Pavalock-D’Amato’s larger than life election signs.

Mrs. Pavalock-D’Amato is seeking a third term in the Connecticut State legislature, and every election her signs dwarf her competitors in size and scope.

“I can’t wait,” remarked Latham Eikel, a Forestville resident and a Cara supporter and true believer. “Her monstrous signs are life altering and proof of a higher power.”

Hank Lee Bowers cannot hide his enthusiasm either telling Boardman, “When I see Cara’s enormous signs I go into an altered state of consciousness. It makes everything right in the world.”

The twice elected state representative has a loyal and faithful following. In fact, a small but dedicated group of supporters have been camped out on rubber foam mattresses since Labor Day at the intersection of Mix Street and Jerome Avenue waiting for her sign to be erected. “In 2016 her mammoth signs meant so much to me. They cared for me when I was sick and nurtured me when I was down,” Maggie Ober, the unofficial leader of the group, offered.

The nights are beginning to cool so to keep warm the group huddles around a burn barrel using Cara’s opponent campaign t-shirts as kindling. “Nothing against Kevin Fuller but we have to keep warm,” Edna Sanchez quipped.

Miss Ober is enjoying herself but wants Cara’s enormous sign to be constructed soon. “To pass the time we read her speeches and political writings on subjects like….okay, so there is only one speech and a few Facebook musings. That sign better go up soon or I will be voting for Kevin Fuller.”