Ribbon Cutting Ceremony to Usher in Cold and Flu Season

November 20, 2018

Friday morning, Connecticut Governor Dannel Malloy and many local dignitaries will be at City Hall to attend a ribbon-cutting ceremony ushering in the cold and flu season for 2018/2019.

The community is encouraged to attend the ceremony, which will take place at 11 a.m. near the north entrance and include several short speeches and songs about the flu. “Every year there are three million flu cases in the U.S. It spreads easily but it’s partly preventable. I encourage everyone to read my essay about this,” Bristol Mayor Ellen Zoppo-Sassu remarked at a press conference promoting the event.

Notable dignitaries attending include: the Secretary of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services Alex Azar, the Connecticut Department Health Commissioner Raul Pino, the Bristol City Council, and Forestville citizen, a well-known chronic cold and flu sufferer, Limping Larry.

Later that evening, a Cold and Flu Gala will be held at Chippanee Country Club from 7-10. There will be a buffet, open bar and a silent auction of cold and flu remedies. Attendees will be eligible to receive a flu shot provided they have insurance.

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War of the Worlds

October 31, 2018

Introduction

We know now that in the early years of the 21st century Bristol was being watched closely. As residents busied themselves about their various concerns they were scrutinized and studied from afar with envious eyes, who slowly and surely drew their plans. In the 19th year of the twenty first century, near the end of October, the mood was tense and the following events unfolded:

The Story

At approximately 8:50 Forestville time Tuesday night, it was reported that an object, resembling a caravan, crashed in the area of Witches Rock in Bristol. Arriving at the scene reporters noted a deep impression in the ground and plumes of smoke. The resulting crash was heard by a fisherman as far west as Forestville along Broad Street in a fishing haunt known by locals as the 72 Run.

Eyewitnesses reported multiple figures coming out from the shadows of the crashed caravan. They appeared human, all ages all sizes. The scene was indescribable. “My God it is the migrant caravan from Honduras!” one man shouted. Many screamed, many more fell to their knees and wailed, “Why God? Why?”

This became the most extraordinary experience. Words . . .

State police soon arrived and the gathered crowd kept their distance, ever mindful, ever fearful.

A man soon approached cautiously. He had a white handkerchief tied to a pole, a flag of truce. A woman, standing off to the side, yelled out, “Wait! Something’s happening. Good Lord the area is being overrun by…”

Within the hour, State Senator Henri Martin took to a ham radio, “Of the creatures at Witches Rock, I can give you no authoritative information – either as to their nature, their origin, or their purposes in Bristol. However, they are clearly armed with leprosy, smallpox and tuberculosis. It’s all too evident that they are merely here to take over, get social welfare benefits and steal IDs.”

According to Martin, shortly after 10:00 PM, the mayor’s office received a text. At least forty people, in the village of Forestville had their IDs stolen. “See it happens that fast,” he said.

Near midnight and I am atop City Hall; an air raid siren screeches warning residents to evacuate the city as more caravan’s approach the downtown area. Route 6 is hopelessly jammed. All communication is gone, no Wi-Fi. One bar, maybe two tops. Services are being held at St. Anthony’s. Below me Republicans are standing along North Main Street with signs, “We Told You So!”

A caravan is now in sight. Reinforced by multiple caravans. Will they release their diseases?

A bulletin was just handed to me. Caravans full of migrants are appearing all over the country, Chicago, Amarillo, Richmond, and even Afton, Wyoming. They approach like an invading army. In the distance, I see the City Council and they are running to the Pequabuck; all six of them dive in. The river takes them away. People fleeing but it’s no use. This is the end. They are 100 hundred yards away . . . fifty feet . . . a Dunkin Donuts…

Epitaph

Night has given way to morning and a sense of hope.

Setting out from City Hall and headed east, the occasional motorist passes. For two hours I wander down the Boulevard, crossing Middle Street to Pine Street to Route 72 and on to Forestville. Will I find the village desolate?

The hour is nearing midday and I make my way pass the post office. Crossing the Pequabuck I find it strange to see people strolling along the green in harmony.

Only a few hours previous, there was paranoia and fear. Nearing Manross Library I hear a baying dog and wonder, “Will it take the ravages of suffering and turmoil to put us back together?”

As autumns leaves swirl through the air, I turn my collar up to shield my face from a brisk, cold wind and continue my journey home.

END

For the Mercury and a certain coach.

Adaptation from H.G. Wells (novel) Howard Koch (radio adaptation).


State Legislators Have Ability to Predict Future

October 30, 2018

Bristol State Legislators Henri Martin, Cara Pavalock-D’Amato and Whit Betts predicted two years ago there would be a state budget deficit.

Incredibly, according to the Budget Office, their prophecy was fulfilled because there was a deficit last year, there is a deficit this year and there will be a deficit next year too!

Based on this new-found ability to predict future events, the trio announced they will do Tarot Card readings at Rodd’s Restaurant this weekend.

For $10.99 you can have two farm fresh eggs cooked-to-order, your choice of breakfast meats, a farmhouse side, buttery biscuits, and your fortune told too! Tax and Gratuity are not included.

No word if they can heal the injured, bend spoons with their minds or make people disap…


Forestville’s Most Popular Halloween Costumes

October 28, 2018

Halloween is only a few days away and it is no surprise that Fortnite is the number one trending costume nationally. However, locally the story is much different.

Forestville retailers report local politician costumes are all the rage this year.

Costume designers have many orders for the Cara Pavalock-D’Amato outfit, and it is easy to see why. The fashionably stylistic costume wraps itself in the words of the Second Amendment and comes replete with a toy gun, toy gun permit, toy ammo, toy bump stock and a toy background check leaving no doubt where one stands on the issue of firearms. The costume is a favorite among second amendments supporters, strict constitutionalists and some shut-ins.

If one fan fancies a vintage costume, look no further than the Whit Betts because it can never be considered out of style. Coming with a Whit Betts plastic mask, Maglio Men’s Loafer and a wool sweater, it has a relaxed look and great appeal. The Chippens Hill crowd is simply boffo or rather “corps perdu” over it.

The Halloween costume resembling Mayor Ellen Zoppo-Sassu is very efficient and comes with study materials, and an itinerary. However, there are two versions. One with a hot, caramel, salted something-or-other Starbucks coffee, and the second without.

Unfortunately, retailers say the Henri Martin costume has under performed. The industry had such high hopes for the Henri Martin, but based on his performance at the debate last Tuesday the costume can only be found now in the horror section of novelty stores.


Preview of the 2018 Chamber of Commerce Candidate Forum

October 23, 2018

The candidate forum for state office seekers from Bristol/Forestville is tonight in the auditorium of St. Paul Catholic High School beginning at 6 p.m.

The Who, What, Where, and When of the Forum

• What are we talking about here? Bristol Senate and House Forum.

• Who is Participating? Cara, Fuller, Whit, the Marko guy, Tippecanoe and Henri Martin too, Chris Wright, Ziogas and the guy that worked at Bristol Hospital (I can’t think of his name as I write this but it will come to me).

• Where? St. Paul Catholic High School, Auditorium. For those coming from Chippens Hill and Federal Hill, St. Paul is located in the Northeast Section of town. No, you don’t need to be inoculated nor do you need a passport so don’t ask.

• When? Tuesday, October 23, 2018 A.D.

• Time: 6 p.m. (Forestville Time)

• What to Expect? Not much.

The crowd will be light because voters like to complain and not vote. Plus, it is going up against This is Us and Game 1 of the World Series.

Pre-debate mingling is expected so because it is a high school the powerful and connected people will mingle with the powerful and connected people, while the potato eaters will mingle with the potato eaters.

Residents are encouraged to attend but not to pay attention.

BOARDMAN PREDICTIONS
(Let’s Get Down to the Nut Cracking)

Prediction #1, audio problems: A microphone will fail and someone will not be heard.

Prediction #2: A candidate’s time will expire and the buzzer of death will reign upon them.

Prediction: #3 The crowd will be reminded not to applaud. They will defy the Great Moderator making an enemy of he.

HERE IS WHAT NOSTRADAMUS PREDICTED ABOUT THE 2018 CHAMBER OF COMMERCE CANDIDATE FORUM

Quatrain #1
Rep. Cara Pavalock-D’Amato, Republican incumbent in the 77th House District, versus Democratic challenger, Kevin Fuller:

“The person of gold (translation: Cara) will speak a word or two and many more for her no vote on pay equity for women and her “nay” on the bump stock ban. Without thy armor, one wound becomes two and thrice elected will be no more. To ignore, ruin may fall on thee.”

Quatrain #2
Rep. Whit Betts, Republican incumbent in the 78th House District, versus his Democratic challenger, Allen Marko:

“The man with the booming voice (translation: Marko) will shake thy earth and no one shall be given quarter.”

Quatrain #3
Rep. Chris Ziogas, Democratic incumbent in the 79th House District, versus Republican challenger, who’s name still escapes me but I swear it will come to me by the end of this piece.

“The man with the mark of the Z (translation: Chris Ziogas) will make idols of tolls and speak of a bountiful treasure. However, a soothsayer he is not for alas a self inflicting wound he could succumb.”

Quatrain #4
Sen. Henri Martin, Republican incumbent in the 31st Senate District, versus Democratic challenger, Chris Wright.

“The Senator from the 31 warns of a heinous reprobate (translation: CTfastrack). In his bleak and gloomy assessment, citizens held captive by DOT Antichrist will swim in reservoirs of blood, and parish a death deserved. For many a generation plus two, not a rainbow nor a butterfly will be. The earth lay uninhabitable by man or by fish. For if they don’t, folly and buffoonery shall be his.”

CLOSING

I remain undecided about attending the forum as of publishing. What’s the point in attending? Currently, I am in search of an incentive and or motivation. Anyone out there have one? If so can I borrow it?

P.S. The name still escapes me. No disrespect intended but the hour grows late and I grow tired.


Cara to Replace Nikki Haley?

October 22, 2018

Cara Pavalock-D’Amato, Connecticut State Legislator from the 77th House District in Bristol, is the leading contender to replace Nikki Haley as the U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations, according to sources.

Mrs. Pavalock-D’Amato is on the Education and Environment Committees, and is a strong supporter of the American despot Donald J. Trump, which pleases the supreme leader. “Cara is a person Trump should consider for U.S. Ambassador because she says nice things about Trump. She had an ice sculpture made of Trump at her wedding and has nylons with Trump on them too. How could Trump not consider her?”, Trump said to Boardman while counting his money in the Oval Office with his look at me I am in charge face.

A graduate of St. Paul Catholic High School, Providence College and a bunch of other fancy places, Cara has served two terms in the Connecticut legislature and is going for the hat trick this November.

Although she has no experience in global politics, foreign policy, promoting diplomatic and economic ties with other countries, assessing security risks, negotiating international trade agreements and adhering to diplomatic protocol, many think she will have an easy conformation process because no one seems to care anymore about anything.

However, political insiders believe Cara will not take the post because she would no longer be able to attend “Coffee With Your Legislator” at Rodd’s every month.


New Political Reality Show Airing on Nutmeg TV!

October 15, 2018

A television program called Forestville’s Next Great Politician is now airing on Nutmeg TV.

Earlier this year, would-be politicians lined up outside the studios of Nutmeg TV for an opportunity to appear on the public access channel’s foray into reality television.

Aspiring politicians of every political stripe are competing against each other for the title of “Forestville’s Next Great Politician”, with the winner receiving the nomination of their respective party for local office in the future.

“My strategy is to promise everything, say nothing and insult my way through the entire process like Trump. So, like, I will give everyone a nickname such as Whit Place Your Betts, and Chris I Ain’t Ever Wright. They don’t mean nothing, but ain’t they the funniest things ever? Lock Her Up! Lock Her Up! Lock Her Up!”, screamed contestant Erie Delbo at Boardman while foaming at the mouth.

Noted Forestville political operative Egor is participating in the program too, “Egor like show. Egor like TV. Egor like politics. So, Egor be candidate on TV. Rrrrr!”, he remarked during a press conference to promote the show.

Contestants are judged on a multitude of political skills such as: humility, speech delivery, policy creation, door knocking, stretching the truth, talking points, social media, pivoting and evening wear.

Judges for Forestville’s Next Great Politician are Mayor Ellen Zoppo-Sassu, and City Councilors Mary Fortier and Dave Mills. Weekly guest judges may include U.S. Representative for Connecticut’s 1st congressional district John Larson, and (name redacted because he does not like to be satirized).

There is no guarantee that the winner will become a Forestville A-Lister though. “This is an exclusive club,” Mary Fortier explained while sharing a bottle of Château Lafite Rothschild at Chippanee Country Club with her City Council colleagues. “We don’t just give out the A-Lister Forest Green Jacket and Certificate. You must prove you belong in the cool club with the cool people. Plus, you have to serve more than one term. Sorry them’s the rules.”

Forestville’s Next Great Politician airs on alternating Monday nights immediately following How to Push a Shopping Carriage and prior to Off the Air.