2017 Special Session T-Shirts and Swag Bags!

July 19, 2017

As Connecticut’s 2017 Special Session continues with no end in sight, lawmakers were pleased to learn today they will not go home empty handed once the session is completed.

Each legislator will receive a 2017 Special Session T-shirt and headband courtesy of the League of Women Voters. Some will even be lavished with special session gift bags from lobbyists.

Here is a list compiled by Boardman of the freebies local legislators will receive in their gift bags:

Cara Pavalock-D’Amato
Due to her affinity for good quality high heels, the footwear lobby is really taking care of the state representative from the 77th District with several pairs of Christian Louboutin heels in neon, black and gunmetal gray. As an added bonus they included Dr. Scholl’s® High Heels Relieve Insoles and toe spacers too. But that is not all.

Also included are plush slippers, facials and massages at a flotation spa in Desert Springs, spices from the Orient, Polynesian Bath Bombs and a Shop Rite protein bar.

“Give ’em Hell” Henri Martin
Assistant Senate Republican Majority Leader and real estate tycoon is getting a one year subscription to McMansionHell.com.

Whit Betts
Bristol’s very own political aristocrat will find in his “swag bag” a humidor, Cuban Cigars, caviar, several tins of pâté de foie gras, one vintage bottle of 1959 Château Lafite-Rothschild for his wine cellar, new foxhunting apparel, a Fabergé Imperial Easter Egg and a Subway coupon good for a free six inch.

Chris Ziogas
Because he is the new guy he just gets the ill-fitting 2017 Special Session T-shirt.


Will They Debate, or Will They Not Debate: That is the Question

July 18, 2017

Five months before the election for mayor, Bristol/Forestville residents are curious if the two candidates, Mayor Ken Cockayne and challenger Ellen Zoppo-Sassu, will have any debates.

Setting up a debate is no easy task. Guidelines and rules need to be established and agreed upon by the candidates. Squabbling over locations, dates and topics is inevitable and common.

The mayor would prefer there not be any debates telling Boardman while he had this reporter in a headlock, “One is too many while zero is just enough but don’t write that you little jerk!”

Representatives for the mayor have said unofficially that the mayor will debate Mrs. Zoppo-Sassu only under the following conditions:

• She does not make an opening or closing statement
• She does not answer any questions asked of her
• Should Ellen speak her microphone is to be inoperable
• Everything in the debate venue is to be the mayor’s campaign color of orange
• Democrats are prohibited from the debate venue
• Under no circumstances is Ellen to do one of her patented and lethal eye rolls
• If the mayor does not know the answer to a question he can phone a friend, spin again or buy a vowel, whatever is necessary

Jeff Caggiano, Chairman of the Bristol Republican Party, told Boardman, “Mayor Cockayne will be thrilled to debate the democratic candidate provided she adheres to all of our conditions and she has none of her own.”

In response the Zoppo-Sassu campaign had only two demands 1) the mayor agrees to a debate and 2) he shows up.

Mrs. Zoppo-Sassu elaborated to Boardman while drinking a Starbucks® Iced Espresso Classic, Vanilla Latte, “I went through this no debate thing with [Art] Ward. In 2015 my opponent and I debated once. Won’t someone debate me? What about you [Boardman] will you debate me? I will even let you ask yourself questions to make it easy.”

The election is Tuesday, November 7, 2017. Stay informed with Boardman’s semi accurate election coverage.


Will There be a Debate?

July 14, 2017

Last week everyone at the G20 Summit was discussing John Podesta and the DNC server. However, according to sources the “big talk” at the summit was actually, when will Bristol’s mayoral candidates have a debate?

The campaigns of Republican incumbent Ken Cockayne and his Democratic challenger, Ellen Zoppo-Sassu, have yet to officially discuss a debate schedule.

However, operatives say the republicans do not want any debates whatsoever because they are worried Donna Brazile will provide Ellen the questions prior to the debates. “We will not be Brazilled!” exclaimed Jeff Caggiano, Chairman of the Bristol Republican Town Committee at a recent fundraiser.

Should a debate schedule be worked out, a completely fictional Boardman source said republicans will insist that the mayor’s podium be bigger than Mrs. Zoppo-Sassu’s and she be prohibited from making an opening or closing statement. In fact, they will demand she not be allowed to speak, talk, chat, enunciate, verbalize, or whisper, and most importantly, she must pledge not to roll her eyes. “We would prefer she not be invited at all,” said one Republican source who asked that his name, Latham Eikel, not be revealed.

No word from the Zoppo-Sassu campaign if these terms are acceptable.

Noted historian Doris Kearns-Goodwin weighed in on the matter and keenly observed that Bristol’s 2017 election for mayor will be historic. Not because a racial barrier will fall, or the first Roman Catholic will be elected or a man in a wheelchair will win, or a billionaire businessman from New York will defy the odds and beat an establishment candidate.

Rather, should the mayor be victorious, he will be the first Bristol mayor to be re-elected that was censured by the city council, and cost the taxpayers over $100,000 in legal fees due to a “lapse in judgment.”

Meanwhile, if Ellen Zoppo-Sassu is elected she will be the first mayor in Bristol to have a hyphenated last name.

This sentenced was written due to boredom.

Boardman


Nutmeg TV to Air New Game Show ‘As Politicians Match Wits’

July 5, 2017

This September Nutmeg Community Access TV will debut a new game show called,” As Politicians Match Wits”. Votes and donations are on the line as local politicians compete against one another by answering general knowledge questions such as: What color is the color tan? And, what time is it at 10:30?

The program will be hosted by former TV newsman Tom Monahan because he has his own microphone.

The first episode gets off to a quick start with Andrew Howe and Ellen Zoppo-Sassu squaring off. Outraged by the first question, what day is tomorrow?, Mr. Howe forfeits the game because he felt the question should have gone out to referendum so the public could weigh in. Consequently Ellen plays against herself in what turns out to be a seesaw battle. Tune in to see who wins.

Twelve episodes will air and feature Josh Medeiros, Peter Kelley, Greg Hahn, Dave Mills, Eric Carlson, Dave Preleski, Mary Fortier, Anthony D’Amato and Cheryl Thibeault with her impressive resume.

The mayor refused to participate based on the advice of counsel, but Egor his spokesperson will.

Egor

As Politicians Match Wits will air Fridays at 9 p.m. following Nostradamus Knows Best, a sitcom about the everyday troubles faced by the 16th-century French , physician, philosopher and seer.


Knock 3 Times

July 2, 2017

For politicians, knocking on a stranger’s door is no easy task because you do not know what is on the other side. However, door knocking is an effective way to communicate with voters one-on-one and generate good will.

Politicians do a great deal of door knocking during their campaigns and each does so quite differently. Councilwoman Mary Fortier in District 3 says she is a quiet knocker. “I lightly tap three times and if they don’t answer I quietly walk away, but leave behind one of my home-made pies.”

Eric Carlson, a candidate in the First District, has a completely different approach than Mrs. Fortier. “I relentlessly pound on the door until someone answers because I know they are in there.”

Over in District 2, Councilwoman and vocalist Jodi Zils Gagne says she does not bother knocking or ringing doorbells because she sings to entice voters to answer the door. “Usually, an inspirational Broadway song like ‘Dream the Impossible Dream’ or ‘You Gotta Have Heart’ but if I am in the zone I will belt out something from West Side Story in a major scale and a minor scale just for kicks.”

Demographics and party affiliation can play a part in the approach, but for the mayor none of that matters. “I barge in, raid the fridge, make long distance calls and tell them about Bristol’s AAA bond rating and leave.”

Door knocking experts say going door to door is time consuming, so how you knock is important. Two knocks is too few while four is too many but three is just right. Consequently, Andrew Howe, a newcomer to the political arena and a candidate in the Second District, is learning the ropes. He admits his door knocking skills are a work in progress, “I have tried all sorts of approaches, but lately I have been using the old shave and a haircut two bits knock. People answer the door and listen to what I say, but then look at me like I am nuts. I don’t get it.”


Forestville to Get New Sawdust Factory

June 6, 2017

Construction is set to begin on a sawdust factory in the historic section of Forestville. It will be the only factory in the United States that exclusively cuts wood for the purposes of sawdust.

The wood will be cut and pulverized into wood particles for no reason whatsoever because once pulverized, the particles will be simply thrown away.

Additionally, the factory will not employ people because woodpeckers and carpenter ants will do all the work, according to a statement issued by the mayor’s office. The mayor hailed the announcement to build the sawdust factory as a triumph for Forestville.

“This sawdust facility will have no economic impact on the region or provide any jobs for workers,” the mayor said at a press conference.

A source close to the mayor elaborated and said there is no incentive for the factory to be built or the wood to be cut. “It’s just a way for the mayor to get his name in the newspaper and attend a ribbon cutting ceremony.”

The Sawdust Factory will occupy the location that was once home to the Air Pollution Factory.


Stocks Finish Higher On News Of Calvin Brown Retirement

May 31, 2017

First District City Councilor Calvin Brown (D), a self-styled champion of the underclass with a reputation for grandstanding, will not seek re-election. He made the announcement last week to a gathering of shiftless party members at the Bristol Historical Society.

Standing next to a watercolor of city namesake and inspiration, Bristol Palin, Councilor Brown dramatically thanked his supporters. Using his hands, air quotes, dramatic pauses and lots of adjectives, collective nouns and past participles, he added that he will “not be a candidate for office” in “2017””.”

“Afterward”, the Bristol Democratic Town Committee announced they will pay tribute to Mr. Brown by raising his voter ID number to the rafters of their headquarters this June. In November they will also allow him to cast the first ballot in the 2017 election.

The Bristol Republican Party congratulated their political foe as well, texting, “Mr. Brown has a long record of service to this town with perhaps the greatest being his decision to not run again.” In tribute, they sent him a brand new soapbox with the inscription, “Should you reconsider and seek office somewhere other than Bristol.”

The Remarkable Life Of Calvin Brown

Exhaustive research by Boardman on the internet revealed just how much Mr. Brown accomplished in his tenure. A six-foot three-inch, 210-pound outside linebacker from Gainesville, Florida, he is male and has no political experience information on file according to respectively, Google and votesmart. Winning reelection as a Chelsea city councilor, he was arrested for a fight with his wife, served in the NSA as a professor at Shasta College and died in 1923, 2009, 2016 and at least twice in 2017. IMDB also lauds him as the first African American stuntman recognized in Hollywood.

Calvin Brown Timeline

2013
Using charm, thoughtfulness and political moxie, he is elected in the First District.

2014
Fought successfully for 53 school lunch employees from losing their jobs to privatization. As a “thank you”, the cafeteria workers give him a complementary gift card for ten percent off any school lunch except pizza.

2015
Files injunction against the Forestville Duck Race because his plastic yellow duck did not win. Later it is discovered his duck sank to the bottom of the Pequabuck and was not recovered. His supporters suspect sabotage.

2016
The Calvin Clause (a revision to the city charter where elected officials must reside in the district where they were elected during their term of office) is named for him. In an emotional speech on the matter, he declares, “Today I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth.”

2017
Flirts with mayoral run but decides to help Ellen Zoppo-Sassu in her bid to become the first mayor in Bristol’s history to wear black rectangular glasses. Later, Boardman writes an article about him.

2025
Dies in hit-and-run by a self-driving vehicle fleeing a self-driving police car. The vehicle is sentenced to five years in an impound lot and two years community service with Uber. Per the councilor’s will, Mr. Brown is laid to rest in an angry posture next to the future gravesite of Mayor Ken Cockayne.

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