10% Charlie, Guida’s Supercow and Other Local Celebrities Attend Inaugural

November 16, 2017

Supercow arriving at Inaugural

Bristol’s new mayor and city councilors were sworn in Monday night at Bristol Eastern High School. The auditorium was crowded and enthusiastic, and included three former mayors and many dignitaries.

Other luminaries in attendance were 10% Charlie from Kaoud Oriental Rugs, Good Ole Tom, Fast Eddy, Crazy Bruce, BB (from the Bristol Blues) and Guida’s Dairy Supercow who took a real shine to Mary Fortier.

10% Charlie was spied chatting up newly sworn-in City Councilor Greg Hahn at the meet and greet following the ceremony, but became a nuisance because he ended every sentence with, “and don’t forget to ask for me 10% Charlie.”

10% Charlie

Crazy Bruce was as crazy as ever and perhaps a little tipsy too because he sang corny songs out of key while trying to sell cheap booze cheap.

Others like Good Ole Tom and Fast Eddy mingled while looking for cheap gold and silver to buy. Fast Eddy however, poorly disguised himself as the lady from the Bob’s Discount TV commercials and kept looking over his shoulder.

BB, a baseball mascot, appeared out of place so he just sat in the corner and twitched nervously while eating peaches from a can.

Guida’s Supercow worked the room flashing the peace sign and posing for photos. Later he took to the dance floor with ladies in bikini tops and short shorts. Okay, I made that last part up.

Following the meet and greet with Bristol’s new city employees, Supercow said that it was not only ‘an honor’ to be invited but to attend too because he finally got to meet Mary Fortier and 10% Charlie.

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The 2017 Inaugural Address

November 14, 2017

Thanks to a recent election, Bristol has a new mayor.  Ellen Zoppo-Sassu was sworn into office under the CFL lights of Bristol Eastern High School.  A band played as she took the oath on an iPad with an opened pdf copy of the Bible.

Her acceptance speech was as electric as her debate speeches.

“The ballots were counted and I can tell you that a certain number of you went to the polls,” Mrs.Zoppo-Sassu began.  “There you filled out ballots and they were counted.  When they were counted the person who won mayor was determined and that was me.”

The most stirring moment came when she quoted Thomas Jefferson.  “In considering the disposition of a will, Jefferson debated ‘whether the consideration of ‘love and affection’ expressed in the deed be sufficient to give it validity depends on this:  whether there was any inheritable relationship between Holman and Alexander and Mary Noe?’  To which he firmly responded – ‘Mary Noe has no right to the land!’  My friends, that’s the message I deliver to you on this podium where I am standing at the present moment at night.”

“I was struck by Jefferson’s words,” one Zoppo-Sassu supporter, Anne Dinkel said.  “I don’t know what it meant, but it was powerful.”

The inspiring lecture ran fifty-three minutes, including ten minutes on bibliography.  After, the crowd was given a pop quiz.  Most did average to fair.  Some however had to stay after the speech and hear it again.

“I completely support her platform,” said Mrs. Dinkel.  “And with the help of her study guide, I should know what that is in a few weeks.”

Mrs. Zoppo-Sassu issued a companion white paper – British for “political platform” – with a 105-point plan for her mayorship.  Boardman has sent it to an English expert at Cambridge for analysis.

“I remember this great quote that really sold me on her,” recalled another excited voter, Mel Dinkel.  “She said, ‘We need a mayor who… needs money’ or ‘wants to save money?’  Anyway, it ended with ‘That’s how I will do it.’  Or something like that.”


Inauguration Concert Follows the Inauguration

November 13, 2017

Following the swearing-in of the Mayor-elect and the City Council Monday night at Bristol Eastern High School, the following acts are appearing at a concert honoring the new mayor and city council members:

Closed Casket

Local music legend Closed Casket, a favorite of the Mayor-elect, will appear but without their legendary horn section of Mickey, Matt and Mickey. The horn section remains in Bristol Hospital following a dreadful tuning accident.

Free Beer: Local bar band set list to feature songs no one has ever heard.

Test Tube Babies: Punk Rock cover band will perform, provided they can remember how to tune their instruments and the drummer can count it off to four.

Gun Nut Crazy: The Country band is scheduled to plays songs which support the Second Amendment. It will be a quick set.

Severed Head

A Heavy Metal act that shreds children’s songs such as Row, Row, Row Your Boat, The Wheels on the Bus and many other favs.

Musical acts are not the only artists performing. There is a mixture of entertainers in the lineup including:

The Delusionist

Performing in the courtyard is Marlon J. Murlow better known as The Delusionist. Is he a conspiracy theorist? A futurist? Maybe both or all of the above.

• Was the War of 1812 a hoax?
• Is the voice in your head you or someone else?
• Is The Periodic Table of the Elements only true some of the time?

Find out as Marlon J. Murlow is The Delusionist. Half magician, half mind reader and half visionary and seer.

• Was Mount Rushmore made from natural earth erosion?
• Is there a day of the week missing?
• Did Amelia Earhart Kidnap the Lindbergh baby?

Find out as Marlon J. Murlow is The Delusionist. One third of his brain is clairvoyant the other third is not.

• Does the All-Seeing Eye have cataracts?
• Did Twentieth Century Fox sink the Titanic so they could later make a hit movie about it?
• Were antidepressants invented to stop the Great Depression?

Find out as Marlon J. Murlow is The Delusionist. Part fake, part made-up and part lies.

The Forestville Civic Ballet

The Forestville Civic Ballet will reenact Ellen’s election victory. The troupe, composed of local prima donnas, will perform the Avant guarde ballet ginned up on Diet Coke and ibproffin. The performance will last two days.

Catering

The entire event is catered by celebrity chef Wolfgang Puck and will include “Democrat friendly food” such as Croissants, Granola, Arugula, Veggie burgers, Massaman curry, Avocado salad, Basil Fried rice, Tom yum soup and Yogurt chicken.

There will be superficial food for the bipartisan types in attendance such as Lemon chicken, Single-serving carrot cake and Shrimp tempura roll.

As for the Republicans they can indulge their taste buds with Mozzarella sticks, Boneless wings and Sweet and sour chicken.


New Employees Receive Tour of City Hall

November 12, 2017

Prior to their swearing-in ceremonies Monday night, Mayor-elect Ellen Zoppo-Sassu and soon to be city councilors Greg Hahn, Josh Medeiros and Peter Kelley with an e, were welcomed to City Hall early Friday.

City Councilwoman Mary Fortier provided a tour of 111 N. Main Street and pointed out little things such as such how a door sticks on the third floor, and the toilet handles in the bathrooms need to be jiggled upon flushing.

Late she brought them to the entrance to the Chamber of Seclusion, but they were not allowed to enter. The chamber, located beneath City Hill, is cloaked in mystery because only the mayor and city councilors are allowed access. Rumors abound that is a small and intimate chamber with touches of gold, marble and mahogany with a vending machine, and an air hockey table for entertainment.

“The Chamber of Seclusion is a sacred place for elected officials,” remarked Greg Hahn speaking for the group. “It is the room to which the most difficult decisions are made, and we respect that we cannot enter until we are sworn in. Not only that, but they didn’t give us keys yet.” The council trio will not receive their keys until the outgoing councilors have returned theirs.

Mrs. Fortier also debriefed them regarding the Cone of Decision and the Great Orb of Influence. The future city councilors declined to comment about either.

The Forestville Fire Department could not be reached for comment regarding this story.


That’s All Folks

November 11, 2017

On a cold rainy night, crowds numbering in the hundreds, gathered throughout Bristol and Forestville to celebrate that the election was finally over. When the news broke a raucous cheer went up and could be heard from Forestville to Witches Rock and over to Chippens Hill.

The celebrations in Forestville were started by unregistered voters and began just after 8PM Tuesday night, and continued into Wednesday.

Roberta Jones, an attendant at Mr. Bubbles Car Wash, was in disbelief. Trembling and with tears filling her eyes, she asked, “Oh my gosh it’s over? It’s really, really over?” Her friend Wendy fell to her knees and cried, “Thank you baby Jesus!”

A woman named Mitzi Danforth, residing on Redstone Hill Road in an earth colored ranch featuring an electric garage door opener and a finished basement, requested her identity not be revealed was thrilled too, “No more phone calls! No mailers! No more drama!”, she roared.

And Councilman Dave Preleski, like the Crying-Indian in the Keep America Beautiful commercials, shed a single tear and solemnly said, “I don’t have to censure anyone anymore.”

Downtown, a massive crowd assembled along Memorial Boulevard blocking many side streets. Police on horseback cleared the area so the celebration could continue. One man wore a brightly colored Fuck Voting! sweatshirt. It fittingly captured the mood and the moment.

Federal Hill saw its fair share of celebrations too with music and dancing, but the mood was sullied when the revelers realized there is another election in just twelve months.


Zoppo-Sassu Releases Platform on Parallel Parking

November 6, 2017

Late yesterday, Democratic mayoral hopeful, Ellen Zoppo-Sassu, announced a community action plan on how to help motorists parallel park. This latest plan comes on the heels of her other intitatives concerning Economic Development, Energy and Efficiency and the Do’s and Don’ts of Cleaning Shower Curtains.

Mrs. Zoppo-Sassu’s 12-step plan is detailed and addresses why drivers are apprehensive about parallel parking. “With my platform we will eliminate the dread of parallel parking, especially amongst new drivers because it is ravaging Bristol. The plan is comprehensive and provides insight into the seldom discussed perils of perpendicular parking as well,” she told Boardman.

If elected the Zoppo-Sassu administration will also tackle the menacing dangers of Dryer Lint Cleaning, which the current administration has refused to do, she added.

The election is Tuesday November 7, 2017. Stay semi-informed with Alan Boardman’s semi-comprehensive and semi-accurate election coverage.


Place Your Betts! Las Vegas Oddsmakers Taking Betts on Local Elections

November 3, 2017

The race for mayor between Ken Cockayne and Ellen Zoppo-Sassu has attracted the attention of Las Vegas bookmakers and local bookies. However, betting on the outcome is not the only thing people are putting their money on.

The race is too close to call and the line keeps fluctuating so gamblers are placing bets on other categories such as: What color dress will Ellen wear election night? Blue? Red? Hot Magenta? Scotch Tape Plaid? Betters are putting their money on red but if you bet $100 on Scotch Tape Plaid, and she wears it you could win $2,500!

Currently, much to everyone’s chagrin, there is no betting line established for a pantsuit.

As for the mayor on election night, what type of knot will he tie his infamous orange tie? Half Windsor? Full Windsor? Kelvin Knot? Will he need help tying it? The money seems to be following that idea as 45 percent of it came in late yesterday.

You can also lay a wager on who will the Bristol Observer endorse for mayor. Experts discourage putting any money on Ellen because the Observer has become state-run media.

What about the Write-in candidate? Oddsmakers have established an over/under line for him.

In 2015 the Write-in received 11 votes. The over/under this year, based on the candidate’s depth of political knowledge, sincerity, moxie and voter anger, is 15.5.

Bookies are taking bets on the council races too. How many videos will Greg Hahn make of himself taking leisurely strolls? How many times will Andrew Howe use his highly successful, “Bristol is an oasis in a fiscal desert” line prior to Election Day?

Voters have it tough these days. Not only must they decide who the best political leaders are for the town, but who and what they should bet on.

The election is Tuesday November 7, 2017. Stay semi-informed with Alan Boardman’s semi-comprehensive and semi-accurate election coverage.