The Heat is On!

September 18, 2017

Election Day is fast approaching and Bristol/Forestville politics are beginning to heat up.

Sunday, Mary Fortier and Cheryl Thibeault went toe to toe on the State of the City, which resulted in the show being extended a half hour. In fact, it has been almost two days since the program and Cheryl is still on the air answering one of the questions.

Their interplay was lively, informative and both candidates represented themselves well…during the pre-show banter. The show itself descended into a food fight. Boxing promoter Bob Arum was listening and he was impressed so he wants a rematch in October.

Arum told Boardman, “I think we could have a good battle on our hands with Facebook users jumping in over the top rope so speak. I want to promote it with signs, banners, bunting – the whole shebang.”

The candidates have not agreed to terms but each has a rider or list of requirements that must be met before they will agree to appear together.

Cheryl Thibeault’s diva demands include the following:

* Her resume will be read by the town crier after every other question
* She must be allowed to talk and talk and talk without ANYONE interrupting
* Budgets give her the warm fuzzies so all questions must pertain to the budget; any budget
* All bumper music is to be “Cheryl approved”
* A basket of cute meowing kittens has to be in the studio during the program

Mary Fortier’s rider demands demand the following:

* Cheryl will stop talking long enough so Mary can speak
* A copy of the “Code Enforcement numbers” will be made available prior to air in English, Spanish and Braille
* The mayor returns all of her committee postings that he stripped away
* She must be allowed to name drop “Ellen Zoppo-Sassu” in each segment
* One can of Red Bull – no wait two cans! – check that three cans of Red Bull will be provided to her after the show just because

The election is Tuesday November 7, 2017. Stay semi-informed with Alan Boardman’s semi-comprehensive and semi-accurate election coverage.


In the Event They Lose in November Bristol Republicans Go to DEFCON 3 Now

September 12, 2017

Bristol Republicans, concerned they could lose this November, held an emergency meeting last night in their emergency shelter. The shelter, an underground bunker complex constructed in the back woods of Chippens Hill, is fortified with concrete walls and blast doors for privacy.

Jeff Caggiano, the Bristol Republican Town Committee Chairman, at a press conference late Tuesday afternoon, elaborated on the meeting, “This is going to be a close election so I increased our readiness to DEFCON 3. Consequently, I told party members that should we lose they will see more Prius drivers and Hybrid cars. It’s a scary proposition I know because my comments were met with howls, but they need to be prepared for any and all eventualities.”

Mr. Caggiano went on to say that the purpose of the meeting was to help party members avoid a Lord of the Flies scenario should political Armageddon take place. Based on this hypothesis, Bristol Republican leaders drafted a set of rules called a Declaration of Conduct and Behavior and they have begun doing drills on how to fit in should a catastrophic scenario such as losing the mayor’s office and city council take place.

Party members are taking classes as well to learn fun liberal activities like riding a bike, meditating, Tai chi, wearing pant suits and eating granola. “I told them ya know ‘granola ain’t so bad,’” Mr. Caggiano remarked while weaving a wicker basket by hand and eating some homemade granola.

The Predawn Raid (Let’s Do it All Again Next Week)

September 1, 2017

Local Democrats and Republicans cannot agree on much, other than they don’t really care for one another and they hold the other responsible for our collective woes. The vitriol displayed on social media over these issues is at times not for the timid.

As a result, frustrated with what they called “the Democrats antics,” Republicans decided to conduct a raid on the Bristol Democratic Town Committee (DTC) Headquarters. So, adorned in the latest wear from Vineyard Vines, they assembled at the Chippanee Country Club. With their Gingham Oxford shirts and Bermuda shorts glistening under the moon’s light, they marched south to the West End, a loyal stronghold for the Democrats.

The predawn raid began before dawn with the Republicans ransacking the DTCHQ by pillaring campaign door hangers, flyers and handouts. The savage and barbaric behavior climaxed when a handlebar mustache was drawn on to a Josh Medeiros campaign poster.

The assault was well underway when a nameless Democrat named Atticus Covell came upon the raid, took to his Hybrid Car and made a midnight ride through the West End to alarm his fellow Democrats. A hastily mobilized liberal regiment soon arrived and engaged the Republicans by yelling out left-speak code words such as “carbon footprint” and “equality for all” and “targeted spending”, while waving around the Rose Report, Bristol’s version of the Warren Commission Report.

The Republicans retreated to the Roberts Property on Chippens Hill, and were hassled en route by the Democrats who flashed images of Eleanor Roosevelt, Robert Kennedy, Cesar Chavez, Bernie Sanders and Julian Bond, which seared their Republican eyes. The Republicans returned the volley fire and called them snowflakes, libtards and moonbats. Their feelings hurt, the Democrats withdrew to a safe space to attend their wounds.

Both sides later conceded the raid was pointless and so were the countermeasures, but mutually agreed they would continue hostilities by demonizing the opposition on social media until the election.


Questions for the Candidates

August 31, 2017

As November 7th approaches there are critical issues facing the Village of Forestville. Apparently the candidates for mayor will not debate so here are some questions voters should be asking when they knock on your door:

1). City Hall

The hysterics and drama of City Council have supplied the local press with many lengthy articles.  What would you as mayor do to preserve this valuable resource for yellow journalism?

2). Route 6 Construction

What troubles you most about Route 6 construction?  The large influx of people from Plainville who will flood the city after it is finished, or the traffic delays caused by road detours and shirtless construction men?

3). City Hall and Memorial Boulevard School

You say that the city should examine the possibility of moving City Hall to Memorial Boulevard School.  But can you tell us how you plan to do that, considering that City Hall weighs over 20,000 tons? 

4). Günter Nimtz

Critics say you are afraid to take on tough issues.  They point to the fact that when Günter Nimtz claimed to violate relativity by transmitting photons faster than the speed of light, you were absolutely silent.

If you are elected mayor, can voters be assured you will tackle other hard issues that affect Bristol.  Issues like school menu choice, whether music is defined by duration and environmental context or content, and the inconsistency of material implication with conditional logic.

5). Irrelevant topic and education

Bristol has a sister city in Greece and one in North Korea.  What would you do to invigorate a study-abroad program so that Bristol students can learn in schools in Greece as well as in one of North Korea’s prestigious prisons?


Previewing the Candidates of District 2

August 24, 2017

Boardman, throughout the election season, will breakdown the city council races. Today District 2 is previewed, which includes the West End and Chippens Hill.


The demographics in Bristol’s second district are a mixed bag. Consequently, what do you get when you mix Bristol’s oldest and grittiest section with Bristol’s newest and wealthiest section? Lukewarm voter turnout.

Jodi Zils-Gagne (R)
Jodi Zils-Gagne is seeking reelection. She is Bristol’s most approachable, enthusiastic and happiest city councilor, and there is reason to be.

Earlier this year her Good Will initiative was approved. The initiative allowed police officers in the West End to award gift cards to citizens engaging in positive acts or deeds.

However, voters were disappointed that she did not include Get out of Jail Free cards as part of her Good Will Initiative. Will voters hold it against her?

Andrew Howe (R)
Mr. Howe wants to keep moving Bristol in the right direction; at least that is what his campaign literature says. What direction that is no one seems to know including the candidate.

A first time candidate with no political experience he represents the everyday person; he is a faithful lieutenant to the mayor, and a big advocate of the referendum. In particular he would like to put the MBS project out to referendum “so the people can decide.”

But some are wondering why he did not put his candidacy out to referendum so the voters could decide if he should even bother seeking office.

He also speaks of being transparent. However the letter e in his last name is silent.
Why is the e silent? Is he hiding something? Should the police be called?

David Preleski (D)
An Attorney at law with a BS degree in finance and economics from CCSU and an MBA in finance and economics from the University of Hartford. He wears glasses, is the voice of reason on the city council and the women of Chippens Hill and the West End go “ooh-la-la” when he wears his patented blue dress shirts. It says as much on his business cards.

Unless you don’t like his blue shirts or his glasses, there is no reason not to vote for him.

Peter Kelley (with an e) (D)
What can you say about Peter Kelley (with an e)? Well, a Google search for the name “Peter Kelley (with an e)” turns up a great deal of information about “Peter Kelley” (with an e).

He is an animator with Industrial Light & Magic, VP American Wind Energy Association, Assistant Professor of Finance at the University of Notre Dame, Contributor to The World Economic Forum, Chef and a graduate of the University of Arizona, Texas Tech, and Stamford.

His wives Kim, Rica, D. Anne, Valerie, Roisin, Barbara, Susan and Lorraine all think he is a great guy.

And, amazingly, according to, Peter Kelley (with an e) died in 1853, 1911, 1914, 1930, 1998, 2004, 2011 and twice in 2017.

The election is Tuesday November 7, 2017. Stay semi-informed with Alan Boardman’s semi-comprehensive and semi-accurate election coverage.

This sentence was written on a dare.


City Council Season Tickets to Go On Sale!

August 21, 2017

Due to the popularity of the city council meetings as a result of their liveliness, the City of Bristol announced season ticket packages for 2017/2018 council sessions will go on sale this week.

Reserve your seat in the gallery with Mini, Half or Full Season plans. The first 100 Bristol/Forestville residents to place a deposit for season tickets will enjoy the following special privileges and so much more!

* 10% discount on water bill
* 40% off any Parking Tickets with complementary coupon
* One year guarantee your property will not be seized via eminent domain
* Name an ordinance
* Access to the Meet-the-City Councilor Party
* Four complementary passes to a Zoning Board Meeting
* Address the City Council without having to sign up
* Replica Mary Fortier glasses
* Replica Tony D’Amato bow tie

Season Tickets holders will also be given an exclusive tour of the Chamber of Seclusion where councilors have been spending a great deal of their time recently, and a once in a lifetime opportunity to view the Cone of Decision.

When you become a season ticket holder you have an opportunity to see an array of characters, extraordinary revelations and government in action too.

Bring your family bring your friends to City Hall by purchasing your season ticket package today!

Clarence Darrow Lives!

August 19, 2017

Last week, under a cloud of confusion, City Councilor Calvin Brown did a fantastic Clarence Darrow impression and litigated the latest City Hall controversy during a city council meeting. His efforts resulted in an Executive Session concerning the mayor.

Mr. Brown was praised by Democrats for bringing the issue to bear, but tamped down any praise by modestly telling Boardman, “Que sera, sera. Whatever will be, will be. The future’s not ours to see. Que sera, sera. What will be, will be.”

However, Boardman has learned Calvin plans to litigate former public matters at city council meetings before his term comes to end including Bush v. Gore, Miranda v. Arizona, Marbury v. Madison and for just the heck of it The State of Tennessee v. John Thomas Scopes.