Local Bookie Taking Bets on Conspiracy Theories Regarding False Missile Warning in Hawaii

January 13, 2018

Hawaii was subject to a state wide alert warning of an incoming ballistic missile this morning. It was later determined to be a false alarm due to human error.

However Smitty, Forestville’s resident bookie, quickly established a betting line to determine, How Long Will it Take for a Conspiracy Theory to be Generated about the False Alert?

Less than 24 hours is the favorite at -165. Meaning a bet of $165 will net $100.

24-48 hours, 48-72 hours or whenever Alex Jones gains access to a television studio are being offered too.

Wagers can also place bets on, Who Will be Blamed?

Smitty established The Deep State with the best chance because they are a favorite foil amongst the Alt-Right community.

Others with a betting line include President Obama and Hillary Clinton. Hillary Clinton, a frequent target for conspiracy theorists, has been accused of murder, using body doubles and shaky financial dealings just to name a few to keep the word count for this article under 250.

Longshots on a local level are the current occupant of Bristol mayor’s office, and the Bristol Board of Education.

Another side bet is, Who Will Peddle the First Conspiracy Theory?

Alex Jones, host of InfoWars, a noted conspiracy theorist who promoted 9/11 was an inside job, mass shootings are false flag operations, Obama is the head of Al-Qaeda and the government is using juice boxes to make children gay, is the favorite coming out of the clubhouse followed by Fox News host Sean Hannity and Trump.


Coup d’état Canceled Due to Snowstorm

January 4, 2018

The coup d’état planned by Bristol Republicans to topple the mayor and the City Council Thursday morning, after only two months on the job, was canceled due to a significant snowstorm forecast for the area.

Snowfall is expected to begin shortly before sunrise with blizzard conditions reached later in the day. Consequently, everyone involved with the coup is to stay home. “With snow coming down at rates in excess of three to four inches per hour at points, and winds reaching as much at 60 miles per hour and white out conditions predicted, it will be difficult to overthrow the municipal government today,” the coup leaders said in a statement.

The coup d’état will not however, be rescheduled or carried out Friday because the element of surprise is gone, and the military junta they wanted to install has a doctor’s appointment scheduled for noon.

Coup members are instructed to continue about their lives.

Key(s) to the City Missing

January 2, 2018

The ceremonial key to the city, which is bestowed upon deserving citizens that have a positive impact on Bristol or Forestville, is missing the mayor’s office said early Tuesday morning.

Following the transfer of power from the previous administration, the key subsequently vanished. Councilwoman Mary Fortier told Boardman in an exclusive, “Ellen (Zoppo-Sassu) handed it me and I handed it to Dave (Preleski) and he handed it to a guy who handed it to a guy and so on and so forth. Now it is missing. What the (deleted expletive)!”

Mayor Ellen Zoppo-Sassu noted she would personally conduct an audit of city property, and do an inventory too if the key does not turn up. However, as she told Boardman while navigating her way through a Dunkin Donuts Coconut Crème Pie flavored iced coffee, which offers a creamy combo of vanilla, coconut and sweet pie crust flavors. At least that’s what she said it says on their website anyway. “I have been connecting the dots on this missing key, and have connected them to one of the new city council members. Could be Greg Hahn maybe Josh Medeiros but my money is on Peter Kelley. I have no evidence nor do I have proof. Call it a hunch,” the mayor told Boardman.

The Southington Board of Education was contacted by Boardman about this matter, and they declined to comment. Wimps.

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A Look Back at 2017

December 27, 2017

2017 had its fair share of stories and headlines to captivate the residents of Bristol and Forestville. Here is a look back at just a few of the stories that made headlines.

Drought Ends

The drought of 2016 came to an end in 2017. The then mayor officially declared the drought over with a ribbon cutting ceremony, and told drought protestors to shut up and go home.

Drought protestors said they would not leave because the Bristol Reservoirs were not 98% full, they were 2% empty.

Bristol Used New Defense Laser to Eliminate Blight and Critics

In March, Lockheed Martin announced they developed a 60 kilowatt-class laser that the government could use to thwart threats.

Consequently, in an effort to eliminate threats such as blight and critics, the mayor asked the army to fire the laser at both. The Office of the Mayor within days announced, “The U.S. Army, at the behest of the City of Bristol, used a Stryker armored vehicle with a laser weapon and ‘burn-through’ capabilities, eradicated both blight and critics thus removing these stains from Bristol.”

Super Fight II Ellen Vs Ken

Super Fight II, as it is dubbed for the purposes of this article so the boxing playbill created during the election and edited out of a piece can finally be used, did not live up to the hype as Ellen vanquished Mayor Ken handily by winning every precinct. However, the campaign was spirited, entertaining and added to their lore.

Ellen Zoppo-Sassu’s win was historic and inspirational as she became the first hyphenated mayor in Bristol’s history. Her victory carved a path for Councilwoman Mary Fortier to become Bristol’s first acting female mayor.

Mrs. Fortier was subsequently lauded with accolades from all over the state; her photo appeared on the front page of most state newspapers and she made numerous television appearances too. Oh, wait, that was Ellen not Mary. Never mind.

Man Who Crossed Street Without a Crossing Signal Censured by City Council

Forestville resident Limping Larry, without using a crosswalk or a crossing signal to guide him, successfully crossed Pine Street on a Tuesday in mid July and was not injured or harmed, according to police.

However, the City Council, after the incident became public knowledge, censured Larry for taking such a risky walk.

Councilor Dave Preleski opined in a blistering editorial, “How did Limping Larry cross that street? Who colluded with him? Did he have help? If so, who and why? That is not an easy road to cross especially if you have limp even if it is fake like Larry’s.”

Limping Larry subsequently apologized to the Traffic Division and the City Council for crossing the street without waiting for the signal.

The collusion allegation remains under investigation and will be for the foreseeable future.

Forestville Man Opened an Escort Business

The midlife crisis of Forestville resident Bob Knepper continued.

Mr. Knepper opened an escort business in the red-light district of Forestville called Intimate Encounters. “I know prostitution is illegal but that doesn’t mean you can’t do it,” Mr. Knepper said.

Critics charged he was disrespecting and debasing women. In response Mr. Knepper remarked, “How am I being disrespectful and debasing women? We have a good dental plan and I even offered my wife a job on the weekends. You know this political correctness thing has gone too far.”

Help Us Reach Out Goal (BOE Deficit)

In August the Board of Education announced they had a 2.4 million dollar deficit.

Consequently, the BOE had a pledge drive to raise funds for the school year. The event was called “Whoops We Need 2 Million Dollars Pronto Won’t You Please Help.”

The deficit resulted in an escalation of everyone’s favorite social media activities: finger pointing and character assassination.

Closing Thoughts

There are no closing thoughts. This sentence was written to merely extend the article by another sentence. So was this one. And this one too.

Okay, I am done. This is my last sentence.

Mayor Releases Her Schedule for Next Tuesday

December 11, 2017

Ellen Zoppo-Sassu is well organized, detail oriented and believes in transparency. Consequently, it came as no surprise that upon becoming mayor that she publishes her daily schedule. Boardman, via a source, was provided an advance copy of her schedule for next Tuesday.

All Times Eastern unless otherwise notated.

12:01 AM
Go to bed.

Fall asleep.

1:12 AM to 1:36
Dream I am swirling in a ravine of swirling Iced Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte from Starbucks®.

Night terror. I am mayor of Waterbury and wake up in a cold sweat.

Resume sleep.

Consciousness begins for the day.

Speed read the entire 2010 UN Security Council Report sans the addendum.

Drive to the office doing the speed limit at all times.

Unlock City Hall, turn the lights and heat on.

Roll call.

Meeting with AA – Accountants Anonymous. Confront the problem some residents are having with debits and credits and develop an action plan.

Push back the Procrastinators Association meeting to 3PM.

Meet with local guy who makes paper footballs for a living.

Send email regarding ribbon cutting ceremony at 2. Remind them the 15’’ Chrome plated Scissors must be OSHA compliant and left handed.

Office photo for posterity. City Hall staff to line up alphabetically by height and weight.

12:00 PM
Lunch. Speed read through the local ordinances for flaws and grammatical errors. Correct and add punctuation where needed.

Push back Procrastinators Association meeting to the following week.

Attend ribbon cutting ceremony for new ordinance. Cut ribbon diagonally and make a few remarks including from my inaugural, which have no bearing on the proceedings.

Busy work.

Attend a budget meeting. Listen to presentation, for the umpteenth time, entitled, What is a Budget?

Consume a Cinnamon Dolce Latte Expresso with sweetened whipped cream via Starbucks®.

Attend reception Forestville Appreciation Day at Nuchie’s.

Mingle: 12 minutes
Dine: 15 Minutes
Remarks: 2.5 minutes
Exit: 7.5 min

Get in car.

Start engine.

Put in gear and go home.

Bristol Republicans Do Exorcism

December 6, 2017

Following the results of the recent 2017 Municipal Election, which saw Bristol’s Republicans surprisingly lose every council seat but one and the mayor’s office too, Bristol Republicans did an exorcism of the City of Bristol.

Jeff Caggiano, Chairman of the Bristol Republican Town Committee, said they needed to rid Bristol of evil spirits, which clearly took possession of the voters on Election night. “What else can explain their landslide victory?” he asked. “I have come to learn the Demon can control a voter’s mind, a voter’s soul and a voter’s vote too. Who knew?”

The exorcism was held in the basement of St. Joseph’s Church by Fr. Luciano who wore a Medieval-looking red tunic designed by Ralph Lauren. As the exorcism moved along the City of Bristol yelled out insults and blasphemies such as, “Connecting the dots!’ and “Censure!” while it writhed around on the floor and howled like a wolf. Fr. Luciano countered by saying the Hail Mary and the Lord’s Prayer (Extended Version) in broken Italian, while using conservative amounts of Holy Water.

While the ritual played out Mr. Caggiano whispered to Boardman, “If the exorcism doesn’t work we will read from the Necronomicon, do Gregorian chants – whatever it takes.”

Asked if he thought the exorcism was successful Mr. Caggiano remarked, “Ask me that in 2019.”


For Nikki

Best of the City Council Now Available on DVD

November 19, 2017

Just in time for Black Friday and the official start of Christmas shopping, Clown Town Video is releasing on DVD, Blue-ray and Digital HD the Best of the City Council 2015 – 2016 Volume 1 for only $29.95.

For the first time ever all of the tension, anger and drama of the 2015 – 2016 council meetings are compiled and presented in vivid color and mono sound.

No city council meetings in the surrounding towns can top Bristol’s in 2015 and 2016 with the harrowing plot lines and unending drama.

Volume 1 is a two-disc set and contains the following:

Disc 1
Nightmare on North Main Street

Pledge of Allegiance (October 2016)
Mary’s Mosaic
Recusal Part 1
Where Do You Live?
Time’s Up!
Calvin’s Crusade
Water Bills!
Recusal Part II
Public Comments: Secret Meetings?
Special Council Meeting June 2016
Censure 1

Disc 2
Beyond Councildome

Special Council Meeting August 2016
Robert’s Rules of Order, or Not Robert’s Rules of Order, That is the Question
Recusal Part III
Please Stand By: Audio Difficulties
Encourage and Welcome Dissent
Revenge of the Water Bills (Computers Are Not My Favorite Thing)
Recusal Part IV
Code Enforcement: Judgement Day
Here We Go Again

Product Description
Recorded Live at 111 N. Main Street in the council chambers it’s the Bristol City Council Meetings 2015 – 2016 Volume 1.

Watch the reading of the minutes, new business, old business and of course the drama. It is all here on 2 discs for the first time ever!

Product Details
• Format: Multiple Formats, Box set, Color, Mono, NTSC
• Language: English (Dolby Digital 2.0)
• Subtitles: English/Gibberish
• Subtitles for the Hearing Impaired: English
• Region: Region 1 (U.S. and Canada only)
• Aspect Ratio: 1.33:1
• Number of discs: 2
• Rated: NR Not Rated
• Studio: Clown Town

Release Date: November 24, 2017

Editorial Reviews
The first of two contentious council years began with promise and hope, and ended with mistrust and infighting.

The Best of the City Council 2015 – 2016 Volume 1 on DVD, Blue-ray and Digital HD includes appearances by an array of residents, city employees, department heads, attorneys, lawyers, barristers, legal advisors and many more.

SPECIAL FEATURES: Audio Commentary by some of the participants. Companion documentary Fahrenheit 1/11 North Main.

Carla Rodriguez Calderón
Seeing this compilation makes me yearn for more drama!

Shelley Nguyen
While watching this I laughed and I cried so I can say it is well worth the 30 bucks.

Rippy Patton
I was there and this %$*# was real!