Forestville Book Club Embroiled in Controversy

May 1, 2017

Kelly Slater, a member of the Forestville Book Club, is embroiled in controversy with members of the club.

The club is reading Gravity’s Rainbow, a dark and sinister novel by Thomas Pincheon. However, following their meeting one week ago, they agreed to read two chapters during the week but Miss Slater read ahead of the group and completed four chapters.

A number of influential members became livid and condemned her reading even threatening to take her bookmark and reading lamp. Mary Leshin, President of the Forestville Book Club told members via email, “We are taking this infraction seriously and will take action, if necessary.”

The next day though the club convened in an executive session and recommended that she be forced to read silently the next time the group met. Slater recused herself from the session and later, after hearing of the disciplinary action, called the group a bunch of schoolmarms and similar salty adjectives.

Miss Slater said she did not understand their autocratic style and is thinking of leaving the book club to start her own.


The Russians Are Coming, the Russians Are Coming!

December 14, 2016


Media fears over an uncomfortably close relationship between Russia and President-elect Donald Trump have increased with Rex Tillerson named as Secretary of State. The Exxon CEO was previously awarded by President Vladimir Putin the Order of Friendship medal, two gallons of borscht from Fast-Food Fiedor’s and free Russian cable for a year.

At the same time, Russophilia has oddly infected Forestville. Local eateries are adding hearty Russian cuisine to their menus and hanging smoked fish in their windows. Bars, pubs and package stores now exclusively sell Russian vodka and Kvas for the first time since the Carter administration.

The Beat, Bristol’s Rock Mix, has changed its format and plays 19th-Century Russian classical music. The afternoon drive features double shots of Stravinsky and Shostakovich with news at the top of the hour provided by Sputnik.

“Yeah, the kids can’t get enough Rimsky-Korsakov,” says DJ Mike James. “He’s so much less depressing than Green Day.”

In Greene-Hills School and Hubble School, students are learning Russian as a second language, so that when they graduate, they have something else to confuse and confound them.

At the Manross Library, Tolstoy, Dostoyevsky and Chekhov are the only books currently on the bookshelves.

Said the librarian as she took a load of Ayn Rand and Mark Twain books to the dumpster, “We’re simply responding to what our library patrons want. We took a vote and all five of them demanded only Cyrillic-based authors.”

One restaurant owner said, “So we celebrate the October Revolution the day before the election. It wasn’t because we were instructed to by Forestville propaganda officer Yaroslav. It is for the proletariat… uh, the people.”

Trump’s senior adviser Kellyanne Conway downplayed worries about undue Russian influence in America. Speaking to the press while Varshavianka was played in the background, she said, “These worries, comrades, is funny joke, yes?”

June 6, 2016


Five-Year Old to be Honored at Rockwell Park


A commemorative plaque will be erected at Rockwell Park in honor of five-year-old Danny Johnson for successfully completing 100 trips down the twisty slide at the playground. Today’s ceremony will start at 12pm and run until nap time at 12:30 today.

Parade This Saturday

An inclusiveness parade will be held this Saturday in downtown Bristol starting at 10 a.m. The parade will honor and celebrate everyone and everything.

All participants in the float and band competitions will receive first-place medals and entry into the band competition will not require knowledge of how to actually play a musical instrument.

The parade will begin at Oakland and Wooding Street and end a block later at Judd or whenever participants feel like stopping.



The Bristol Agoraphobes support group has rescheduled its first meeting at the Manross Library to this Thursday at 9pm.

This marks the 27th time the group has tried to meet. It is hoped those who signed up for the group will be able to show up this time.

A support group for compulsive burglars has canceled their meeting at their halfway house formerly located on Maple Street.

The cancellation happened as a result of their computers, furniture and house being stolen sometime last week. The leader of the group, Dr. Michele Joiner announced that she will begin the search for a new location once the police locate her car.

Cat Show

On the 20th, the Cat Appreciation Society will host their annual Cat Show. Cat owners are invited to register and participate in several categories including Strangest, Most Stand-Offish and Most Colorful Coat. Cats will also be allowed to participate in the event.

The highlight will be the cat obedience trials. It is hoped this year a cat will actually win.

Story Time at the Forestville Library

July 6, 2015
Warren Report

Warren Report

In order to encourage children to learn more about American History on Wednesday at 10 a.m., preschool age children are invited to take an adventure and read the Official Warren Commission Report on the Assassination of President John F. Kennedy.

Portions of the report will be read in a slow and deliberate manner so it will be easy to understand by local educator Lisa Baker. After, the children are encouraged to write their own Warren Report using crayons and paper provided by the library.

Friends of the Library are admitted free; Acquaintances of the Library $2.50, adults $7: and seniors $6.

Sponsored by the Warren G. Harding Society of Forestville.

The Lost Book

March 14, 2015
Manross Library in Forestville

Manross Library in Forestville

In August of 1587, British settlers started a colony on Roanoke Island off the coast of what is now North Carolina. The settlers established relations with the local tribes, built a fort, planted crops, looked for gold, fornicated and took what did not belong to them. Pretty typical stuff for the time. However, by 1590 the settlers completely vanished without a trace. Their disappearance remains a mystery.

But the mystery about the Lost Colony does not end there. According to several sources, a book about the Roanoke Colony available at the Manross Library has met a similar fate and librarians are worried.

No one recalls the author or the name of the book about the Lost Colony but everyone agrees it was on the shelf, and kept under a watchful eye. However the book went missing in 2010 and oddly enough volunteers assigned the task of searching for the book went missing too. As a result, investigators from the British Museum in London and the National Geographic Society believe the events are connected so they are here in Forestville investigating.

When librarians first discovered the manuscript missing the only clue was the book was not in its designated slot. Then the library catalogue card containing the book’s information went eerily missing. Things then started to get weird.

The word “basement” was found carved on a pillar in the nonfiction section. And later, an unmarked storage box was located with no contents but it showed apparent signs of a struggle.

Determined to find the book, librarians ordered the volunteers to descend into the basement armed with only a map and a flashlight. Hopes were high.

The volunteers were never seen again.

What happened to the book? Was it misfiled? Was it stolen? Did it ever exist? And what happened to the volunteers?

Bernard Peasley from the British Museum in London postulates something nefarious is afoot, “Roanoke settlers disappear without a clue. A book about the Roanoke settlers disappears without a clue. And volunteers sent looking for missing book about the Roanoke settlers disappear without a clue. You have to be clueless to think these events are not connected.”

Mr. Peasley said he and his colleagues are committed to finding the missing book and the volunteers, “I will not leave Forestville until I have the answers or I go missing too.”

Man Late with Library Book Seeks Protective Custody

January 4, 2015
These books are not late

These books are not late

On a bright warm June day around mid-morning, a smallish middle aged man walked up Central Street and stopped at the Manross Library numbered 260. Ten minutes later he approached the front desk to check out a book. The book was date stamped a bookmark secured and out the front door the man went disappearing into the streets of Forestville. To date the two have not been seen again.

Months passed and the library seeking the return of their property issued dunning notices to the patron. The notices advised of the over due date, fines and possible reprisals terrified the book borrower.

Fearing retaliation he asked the Friends of the Library to broker a deal. They refused. He sought asylum from the Plainville Library but that request was rebuffed. He then requested protective custody from law enforcement and that too was denied.

Out of options the “Folio Fugitive” hopes for an amnesty day when the library will waive late fees on overdue items.

Mayor to Ban “Dog-Earing” Books at the Manross Library

November 29, 2014
Manross Library

Manross Library

Since becoming mayor, Ken Cockayne has attacked blight in the village of Forestville. Now he has set his sights on combating the menacing and deeply troubling problem of dog-earing library books at the Manross Library.

Calling it a “perilous and urgent issue facing the inhabitants of Forestville” in a meeting with staffers. The mayor later expanded his view when he told library employees, “We must guard against the folding down of the corners in a library book for the sole purpose of a bookmark. While I recognize the imperative need of a bookmark we must not fail to comprehend the grave consequences because it damages books from which there is no turning back.”

It is not known what actions he can take but suspending water fountain privileges or access to the bathrooms are under consideration by the mayor.

Calling it his top priority the mayor will address the problem in his next State of the City Address.

A dog-eared book

A dog-eared book