10% Charlie, Guida’s Supercow and Other Local Celebrities Attend Inaugural

November 16, 2017

Supercow arriving at Inaugural

Bristol’s new mayor and city councilors were sworn in Monday night at Bristol Eastern High School. The auditorium was crowded and enthusiastic, and included three former mayors and many dignitaries.

Other luminaries in attendance were 10% Charlie from Kaoud Oriental Rugs, Good Ole Tom, Fast Eddy, Crazy Bruce, BB (from the Bristol Blues) and Guida’s Dairy Supercow who took a real shine to Mary Fortier.

10% Charlie was spied chatting up newly sworn-in City Councilor Greg Hahn at the meet and greet following the ceremony, but became a nuisance because he ended every sentence with, “and don’t forget to ask for me 10% Charlie.”

10% Charlie

Crazy Bruce was as crazy as ever and perhaps a little tipsy too because he sang corny songs out of key while trying to sell cheap booze cheap.

Others like Good Ole Tom and Fast Eddy mingled while looking for cheap gold and silver to buy. Fast Eddy however, poorly disguised himself as the lady from the Bob’s Discount TV commercials and kept looking over his shoulder.

BB, a baseball mascot, appeared out of place so he just sat in the corner and twitched nervously while eating peaches from a can.

Guida’s Supercow worked the room flashing the peace sign and posing for photos. Later he took to the dance floor with ladies in bikini tops and short shorts. Okay, I made that last part up.

Following the meet and greet with Bristol’s new city employees, Supercow said that it was not only ‘an honor’ to be invited but to attend too because he finally got to meet Mary Fortier and 10% Charlie.

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New Employees Receive Tour of City Hall

November 12, 2017

Prior to their swearing-in ceremonies Monday night, Mayor-elect Ellen Zoppo-Sassu and soon to be city councilors Greg Hahn, Josh Medeiros and Peter Kelley with an e, were welcomed to City Hall early Friday.

City Councilwoman Mary Fortier provided a tour of 111 N. Main Street and pointed out little things such as such how a door sticks on the third floor, and the toilet handles in the bathrooms need to be jiggled upon flushing.

Late she brought them to the entrance to the Chamber of Seclusion, but they were not allowed to enter. The chamber, located beneath City Hill, is cloaked in mystery because only the mayor and city councilors are allowed access. Rumors abound that is a small and intimate chamber with touches of gold, marble and mahogany with a vending machine, and an air hockey table for entertainment.

“The Chamber of Seclusion is a sacred place for elected officials,” remarked Greg Hahn speaking for the group. “It is the room to which the most difficult decisions are made, and we respect that we cannot enter until we are sworn in. Not only that, but they didn’t give us keys yet.” The council trio will not receive their keys until the outgoing councilors have returned theirs.

Mrs. Fortier also debriefed them regarding the Cone of Decision and the Great Orb of Influence. The future city councilors declined to comment about either.

The Forestville Fire Department could not be reached for comment regarding this story.


City of Bristol’s Charter and Code of Ordinances Book a Huge Success!

August 4, 2017

We previously reported on the publication of the City of Bristol’s Charter and Code of Ordinance. The first printing sold all five copies within a month. After this success, a wider release was ordered by Simon & Schuster. The second edition includes bonus pull-out posters of councilmen in suggestive poses.

The book features illustrations by Nick Park. His characters Wallace and Grommit are depicted negotiating various ordinances, like coming up with the $250 city fee to operate a lemonade stand unless said lemonade originates from a Bristol farm or a veteran. In another example, Grommit fails to produce a rabies certificate for his dog license and is chased by Bristol Animal Control. Hilarity ensues until the final panel, which is quite sad.

Pre-sales have the mostly nonfiction book at #25,012 on Amazon and a New York Times Bestseller. “A municipal retelling of its own narrative,” beamed Times reviewer Harriet Lane. “The Council outdid itself in this year’s crop of ordinances (a more well-considered output than this year’s yawner, ‘Terryville’s Big Book of Ordinances’). The reader is feverishly charmed by the frothy pomo Sec. 5-21.1 and the heady Sec. 3.2. of Appendix D.”

Online customer reviews found the book made for easy summer reading on the beach and an attractive way to smoosh ants. Another called it, “the Harry Potter entry in the wizarding world of bureaucracy.” The book has even spawned fan nonfiction on WordPress.

Councilmen Mary Fortier and Anthony D’Amato will embark on a promotional tour this month, appearing at Barnes & Nobles in Waterbury, West Hartford and Farmington and at Sal’s XXX Book Nook in Southington. They will also give an interview on CT-N, the Connecticut government access network, with Production Technician 1 Sarah Schulz. CNN was on the itinerary until they realized that no one watches that channel.

Title: The Wonderful City of Bristol Presents: The Charter and Code of Ordinances
Authors: Various
Paperback: 550 and a half pages
Language: Mostly English
Year: 2017
Price: $50.00 Paperback; $10.00 Kindle

Bristol Prime members get 20% off the book. Members also get discounts on city services, including same-day delivery of water bills and courtesy hat-tipping by police


Municipal Leaders to Read Local Ordinances to the Public

August 1, 2017

The public is invited to City Hall this Friday to hear Bristol’s politicians read excerpts from the City of Bristol’s Charter and Code of Ordinances.

Representatives of both parties will read not only portions of the ordinances, but the appendixes too.

Ordinances are a group of laws used to govern a municipality. Bristol’s ordinances range from voting machines to street improvements to sewers and more.

Copies of the ordinances will be available for purchase following the event, which is scheduled for 7 p.m. in the Council Chambers.

After the reading municipal leaders, including staff from the Corporation Counsel’s office, will be available for questions, autographs and denunciations. Hors d’oeuvres and an ill tasting punch will be served following the event.

A breakdown of the readings is as follows:

Sec 2. – Construction of the charter*:
Dave Preleski

Sec. 5. – City council districts, voting districts and precincts:
Calvin Brown

Sec. 51. – Referendum:
Andrew Howe

Sec. 55. – Ethics board and conflict of interests (Sections a and b):
Mayor Cockayne

Sec. 56. – Reserved for future use:
Mary Fortier

Appendix C Zoning:
Anthony D’Amato

* Includes Legislative history — Sp. No. 352, § 2, 1911; Sp. No. 102, 1921; Sp. No. 434, § 2, 1931; Sp. No. 489, § 2, 1939.


Bristol Democrats Formally Endorse Candidates Then Attend After Party

July 29, 2017

On a rare cool summer evening last Monday, the Bristol Democratic Town Committee gathered at 111 N. Main Street, and nominated their candidates for city offices this year.

Following the nominations and acceptance speeches at City Hall, members of the DTC headed to a well-attended after-party at Sporty’s Cafe for food and conversation. Unfortunately it wasn’t exactly a night at The Algonquin Round Table, but it would do for a Monday night.

Calvin Brown was spotted nursing a beverage while chatting up Rippy Patton about how Prilosec OTC is the #1 Doctor Recommended frequent heartburn brand for 10 straight years!

Meanwhile, there was Dave Preleski and Mary Fortier discussing how exciting it is that as lawyers in Connecticut they get to pay the Occupational Tax (an annual tax imposed on attorneys in Connecticut).

Former state legislator Chris Wright was in the house too and he conferred with political newcomers Josh Medeiros, Greg Hahn and Brittney Barney about the importance of comfortable and breathable cotton shirts on the campaign trail.

Mayoral nominee Ellen Zoppo-Sassu mixed and mingled her way through the “fete” trying to find someone to debate her as she consumed a Hot Salted Caramel Mocha Coffee.

The event was catered by chef Wolfgang Puck and included “Democrat friendly food” such as croissants, granola, arugula, kale, guacamole, veggie burgers, spicy tuna tartare and yogurt chicken.

The election is Tuesday November 7, 2017. Stay semi-informed with Alan Boardman’s semi-comprehensive and semi-accurate election coverage.

Related Headlines

* Ellen Zoppo-Sassu Has the Internet Freaking Out About Hot Salted Caramel Mocha Coffee!

* Why Aren’t Synthetic Fabrics all the Rage on the Campaign Trail?

* Bristol Democrats Will Have a Fundraiser at Muzzy Field Tonight, Will Moroccan-Spiced Wagyu Short Rib and Chopped Salad be on the Menu?


Previewing the Candidates of District 3 / Battle of the Resumes

July 25, 2017

This year’s races for City Council will hinge on the candidates outlook for Bristol’s future.

Boardman, throughout the election season, will breakdown the city council races. Today District 3 is previewed, which includes Federal Hill and Forestville.

Cheryl Thibeault (R)

Mrs. Thibeault has an exceptional resume. When she enters a room her resume has already been there for ten minutes.

Currently she serves on the following boards and committees:

• Board of Finance (chair)
• Retirement Board
• 10-Year Capital Improvement Board
• Fire Building #4 Building Committee (co-chair)
• BOF liaison to the Police Board
• Youth leader in her church

But wait there is more.

• Mayor’s Task Force on Energy Conservation
• Greene-Hills School Building Committee
• Mayor’s TEAM committee
• Memorial Boulevard Task Force
• PTA president
• Girl Scout leader
• Forestville Village Association member
• Chamber of Commerce Board Director
• Wheeler YMCA Board
• Rescued a kitty from a tree
• Orchestrated the 2014 Ceasefire in Fallujah
• Her last name is two syllables
• Just copyrighted the word resume©
• In her spare time she is a super-hero

Mary Fortier (D)

Councilwoman Mary Fortier is seeking her third consecutive term. According to City Council Magazine she is Forestville’s favorite city councilor.

Mrs. Fortier is a mother of six and lives in the Federal Hill area in a house on a street. Her resume© includes the following:

• Lawyer with the State of Connecticut, Waterbury Court House
• Eighth woman to serve on the Bristol City Council
• Served on the Bristol Development Authority
• Served on the Bristol Community Organization
• Served on the Disability Commission
• Served on the Pine Lake Committee
• Served on the Real Estate Committee
• Served on the Salary Committee
• Was one of 100 women leaders in Connecticut that petitioned Governor Malloy to support paid family sick leave in 2016
• Regularly attends Bristol Blues games but has yet to thrown out a first pitch. Baseball Prospectus says she throws from a three-quarters arm slot; hides the ball well and hits her spots
• Wears glasses
• Signs her name in cursive
• Her last name is three syllables

Dave Mills (R)

Mr. Mills previously served two terms on the City Council before returning in 2015. His name appears in the newspaper a lot and now this website. Here are some highlights from his career:

• Retired School Teacher and high school football coach
• 2015 received the Spirit of Bristol Award from the CT Chambers of Commerce
• 2003 Bristol Sports Hall of Fame Inductee
• Head football coach at Bristol Eastern for 26 years
• Twice named “Coach of the Year” by the CIAC
• 1988 State Champion
• Revolutionized football using multiple formation offences and bringing back the shotgun, invented the 4-3 defense (Flex Defense), 20 straight winning seasons, and wore his trademark fedora on the sidelines. Wait that was Tom Landry former head coach of the Dallas Cowboys. Never mind.

Brittany Barney (D)

A newcomer to Bristol politics so not much is known about candidate Barney. However, a Google search of the name “Brittany Barney” reveals the following information:

• She is a Business Coordinator at Grey Mountain in Boulder, Colorado
• According to IMDb Brittany Barney is an actress best known for her role in the movie Santiago (2011)
• The 5’4 Junior Guard was the Benson High School Girls Basketball Player of the Game on February 2, 2017, Vs. Pima
• In 2009 playing for Clinton Community College against Finger Lakes “Brittany Barney” had 10 rebounds, seven assists and two steals
• Her favorite word is “soooo.”
• Her grandmother died in 1856, 1907, 1959, 1992, 1997, 2012 and 2014

The election is Tuesday November 7, 2017. Stay semi-informed with Alan Boardman’s semi-comprehensive and semi-accurate election coverage.

END


Nutmeg TV to Air New Game Show ‘As Politicians Match Wits’

July 5, 2017

This September Nutmeg Community Access TV will debut a new game show called,” As Politicians Match Wits”. Votes and donations are on the line as local politicians compete against one another by answering general knowledge questions such as: What color is the color tan? And, what time is it at 10:30?

The program will be hosted by former TV newsman Tom Monahan because he has his own microphone.

The first episode gets off to a quick start with Andrew Howe and Ellen Zoppo-Sassu squaring off. Outraged by the first question, what day is tomorrow?, Mr. Howe forfeits the game because he felt the question should have gone out to referendum so the public could weigh in. Consequently Ellen plays against herself in what turns out to be a seesaw battle. Tune in to see who wins.

Twelve episodes will air and feature Josh Medeiros, Peter Kelley, Greg Hahn, Dave Mills, Eric Carlson, Dave Preleski, Mary Fortier, Anthony D’Amato and Cheryl Thibeault with her impressive resume.

The mayor refused to participate based on the advice of counsel, but Egor his spokesperson will.

Egor

As Politicians Match Wits will air Fridays at 9 p.m. following Nostradamus Knows Best, a sitcom about the everyday troubles faced by the 16th-century French , physician, philosopher and seer.