Snaffu at Mayor’s Portrait Unveiling

January 10, 2018

Tuesday night local A-listers, people from the “the click” and folks that no one has ever heard of, crowded into the Council Chambers at City Hall to see Mayor Ellen Zoppo-Sassu’s official portrait revealed.

Regardless of social status, however; everyone was stunned to discover that the newly minted mayor did not have a photo portrait, instead her image was cast onto a baseball card. “We are still trying to figure out what happened,” said stunned councilwoman Mary Fortier, who is the mayor’s consigliere and was in charge of the Photo Committee, the Unveiling the Photo Committee and Tour the Mayor’s Office Committee. “She sat for the photo; they took the photo, we proofed the photo and we got a (deleted expletive) baseball card!”, Mrs. Fortier vented while sampling the tiramisu pie she made for the occasion.

The card has small black borders and boasts a large photo of the mayor, but showcases smaller photos of several city councilors, including Mrs. Fortier. The back of the card contains Mrs. Zoppo-Sassu’s biographical information, her accomplishments and season-by-season statistics for the one-time light hitting utility outfielder.

Every mayor from John F. Wade to Daniel J. Donovan to Ken Cockayne have a photo portrait until now. “We will get this baseball card thing rectified and corrected,” Mrs. Fortier vowed to Boardman in the hallway following the ceremony. “Meanwhile, I will trade you an Ellen Zoppo-Sassu card for two Tommy Shopay’s, a Ted Kubiak and a player to be named later.”

Boardman is holding out for more.

P.S. Ted who? Yeah, yeah yeah. Look him up.

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Key(s) to the City Missing

January 2, 2018

The ceremonial key to the city, which is bestowed upon deserving citizens that have a positive impact on Bristol or Forestville, is missing the mayor’s office said early Tuesday morning.

Following the transfer of power from the previous administration, the key subsequently vanished. Councilwoman Mary Fortier told Boardman in an exclusive, “Ellen (Zoppo-Sassu) handed it me and I handed it to Dave (Preleski) and he handed it to a guy who handed it to a guy and so on and so forth. Now it is missing. What the (deleted expletive)!”

Mayor Ellen Zoppo-Sassu noted she would personally conduct an audit of city property, and do an inventory too if the key does not turn up. However, as she told Boardman while navigating her way through a Dunkin Donuts Coconut Crème Pie flavored iced coffee, which offers a creamy combo of vanilla, coconut and sweet pie crust flavors. At least that’s what she said it says on their website anyway. “I have been connecting the dots on this missing key, and have connected them to one of the new city council members. Could be Greg Hahn maybe Josh Medeiros but my money is on Peter Kelley. I have no evidence nor do I have proof. Call it a hunch,” the mayor told Boardman.

The Southington Board of Education was contacted by Boardman about this matter, and they declined to comment. Wimps.

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A Look Back at 2017

December 27, 2017

2017 had its fair share of stories and headlines to captivate the residents of Bristol and Forestville. Here is a look back at just a few of the stories that made headlines.

Drought Ends

The drought of 2016 came to an end in 2017. The then mayor officially declared the drought over with a ribbon cutting ceremony, and told drought protestors to shut up and go home.

Drought protestors said they would not leave because the Bristol Reservoirs were not 98% full, they were 2% empty.

Bristol Used New Defense Laser to Eliminate Blight and Critics

In March, Lockheed Martin announced they developed a 60 kilowatt-class laser that the government could use to thwart threats.

Consequently, in an effort to eliminate threats such as blight and critics, the mayor asked the army to fire the laser at both. The Office of the Mayor within days announced, “The U.S. Army, at the behest of the City of Bristol, used a Stryker armored vehicle with a laser weapon and ‘burn-through’ capabilities, eradicated both blight and critics thus removing these stains from Bristol.”

Super Fight II Ellen Vs Ken

Super Fight II, as it is dubbed for the purposes of this article so the boxing playbill created during the election and edited out of a piece can finally be used, did not live up to the hype as Ellen vanquished Mayor Ken handily by winning every precinct. However, the campaign was spirited, entertaining and added to their lore.

Ellen Zoppo-Sassu’s win was historic and inspirational as she became the first hyphenated mayor in Bristol’s history. Her victory carved a path for Councilwoman Mary Fortier to become Bristol’s first acting female mayor.

Mrs. Fortier was subsequently lauded with accolades from all over the state; her photo appeared on the front page of most state newspapers and she made numerous television appearances too. Oh, wait, that was Ellen not Mary. Never mind.

Man Who Crossed Street Without a Crossing Signal Censured by City Council

Forestville resident Limping Larry, without using a crosswalk or a crossing signal to guide him, successfully crossed Pine Street on a Tuesday in mid July and was not injured or harmed, according to police.

However, the City Council, after the incident became public knowledge, censured Larry for taking such a risky walk.

Councilor Dave Preleski opined in a blistering editorial, “How did Limping Larry cross that street? Who colluded with him? Did he have help? If so, who and why? That is not an easy road to cross especially if you have limp even if it is fake like Larry’s.”

Limping Larry subsequently apologized to the Traffic Division and the City Council for crossing the street without waiting for the signal.

The collusion allegation remains under investigation and will be for the foreseeable future.

Forestville Man Opened an Escort Business

The midlife crisis of Forestville resident Bob Knepper continued.

Mr. Knepper opened an escort business in the red-light district of Forestville called Intimate Encounters. “I know prostitution is illegal but that doesn’t mean you can’t do it,” Mr. Knepper said.

Critics charged he was disrespecting and debasing women. In response Mr. Knepper remarked, “How am I being disrespectful and debasing women? We have a good dental plan and I even offered my wife a job on the weekends. You know this political correctness thing has gone too far.”

Help Us Reach Out Goal (BOE Deficit)

In August the Board of Education announced they had a 2.4 million dollar deficit.

Consequently, the BOE had a pledge drive to raise funds for the school year. The event was called “Whoops We Need 2 Million Dollars Pronto Won’t You Please Help.”

The deficit resulted in an escalation of everyone’s favorite social media activities: finger pointing and character assassination.

Closing Thoughts

There are no closing thoughts. This sentence was written to merely extend the article by another sentence. So was this one. And this one too.

Okay, I am done. This is my last sentence.


10% Charlie, Guida’s Supercow and Other Local Celebrities Attend Inaugural

November 16, 2017

Supercow arriving at Inaugural

Bristol’s new mayor and city councilors were sworn in Monday night at Bristol Eastern High School. The auditorium was crowded and enthusiastic, and included three former mayors and many dignitaries.

Other luminaries in attendance were 10% Charlie from Kaoud Oriental Rugs, Good Ole Tom, Fast Eddy, Crazy Bruce, BB (from the Bristol Blues) and Guida’s Dairy Supercow who took a real shine to Mary Fortier.

10% Charlie was spied chatting up newly sworn-in City Councilor Greg Hahn at the meet and greet following the ceremony, but became a nuisance because he ended every sentence with, “and don’t forget to ask for me 10% Charlie.”

10% Charlie

Crazy Bruce was as crazy as ever and perhaps a little tipsy too because he sang corny songs out of key while trying to sell cheap booze cheap.

Others like Good Ole Tom and Fast Eddy mingled while looking for cheap gold and silver to buy. Fast Eddy however, poorly disguised himself as the lady from the Bob’s Discount TV commercials and kept looking over his shoulder.

BB, a baseball mascot, appeared out of place so he just sat in the corner and twitched nervously while eating peaches from a can.

Guida’s Supercow worked the room flashing the peace sign and posing for photos. Later he took to the dance floor with ladies in bikini tops and short shorts. Okay, I made that last part up.

Following the meet and greet with Bristol’s new city employees, Supercow said that it was not only ‘an honor’ to be invited but to attend too because he finally got to meet Mary Fortier and 10% Charlie.


New Employees Receive Tour of City Hall

November 12, 2017

Prior to their swearing-in ceremonies Monday night, Mayor-elect Ellen Zoppo-Sassu and soon to be city councilors Greg Hahn, Josh Medeiros and Peter Kelley with an e, were welcomed to City Hall early Friday.

City Councilwoman Mary Fortier provided a tour of 111 N. Main Street and pointed out little things such as such how a door sticks on the third floor, and the toilet handles in the bathrooms need to be jiggled upon flushing.

Late she brought them to the entrance to the Chamber of Seclusion, but they were not allowed to enter. The chamber, located beneath City Hill, is cloaked in mystery because only the mayor and city councilors are allowed access. Rumors abound that is a small and intimate chamber with touches of gold, marble and mahogany with a vending machine, and an air hockey table for entertainment.

“The Chamber of Seclusion is a sacred place for elected officials,” remarked Greg Hahn speaking for the group. “It is the room to which the most difficult decisions are made, and we respect that we cannot enter until we are sworn in. Not only that, but they didn’t give us keys yet.” The council trio will not receive their keys until the outgoing councilors have returned theirs.

Mrs. Fortier also debriefed them regarding the Cone of Decision and the Great Orb of Influence. The future city councilors declined to comment about either.

The Forestville Fire Department could not be reached for comment regarding this story.


City of Bristol’s Charter and Code of Ordinances Book a Huge Success!

August 4, 2017

We previously reported on the publication of the City of Bristol’s Charter and Code of Ordinance. The first printing sold all five copies within a month. After this success, a wider release was ordered by Simon & Schuster. The second edition includes bonus pull-out posters of councilmen in suggestive poses.

The book features illustrations by Nick Park. His characters Wallace and Grommit are depicted negotiating various ordinances, like coming up with the $250 city fee to operate a lemonade stand unless said lemonade originates from a Bristol farm or a veteran. In another example, Grommit fails to produce a rabies certificate for his dog license and is chased by Bristol Animal Control. Hilarity ensues until the final panel, which is quite sad.

Pre-sales have the mostly nonfiction book at #25,012 on Amazon and a New York Times Bestseller. “A municipal retelling of its own narrative,” beamed Times reviewer Harriet Lane. “The Council outdid itself in this year’s crop of ordinances (a more well-considered output than this year’s yawner, ‘Terryville’s Big Book of Ordinances’). The reader is feverishly charmed by the frothy pomo Sec. 5-21.1 and the heady Sec. 3.2. of Appendix D.”

Online customer reviews found the book made for easy summer reading on the beach and an attractive way to smoosh ants. Another called it, “the Harry Potter entry in the wizarding world of bureaucracy.” The book has even spawned fan nonfiction on WordPress.

Councilmen Mary Fortier and Anthony D’Amato will embark on a promotional tour this month, appearing at Barnes & Nobles in Waterbury, West Hartford and Farmington and at Sal’s XXX Book Nook in Southington. They will also give an interview on CT-N, the Connecticut government access network, with Production Technician 1 Sarah Schulz. CNN was on the itinerary until they realized that no one watches that channel.

Title: The Wonderful City of Bristol Presents: The Charter and Code of Ordinances
Authors: Various
Paperback: 550 and a half pages
Language: Mostly English
Year: 2017
Price: $50.00 Paperback; $10.00 Kindle

Bristol Prime members get 20% off the book. Members also get discounts on city services, including same-day delivery of water bills and courtesy hat-tipping by police


Municipal Leaders to Read Local Ordinances to the Public

August 1, 2017

The public is invited to City Hall this Friday to hear Bristol’s politicians read excerpts from the City of Bristol’s Charter and Code of Ordinances.

Representatives of both parties will read not only portions of the ordinances, but the appendixes too.

Ordinances are a group of laws used to govern a municipality. Bristol’s ordinances range from voting machines to street improvements to sewers and more.

Copies of the ordinances will be available for purchase following the event, which is scheduled for 7 p.m. in the Council Chambers.

After the reading municipal leaders, including staff from the Corporation Counsel’s office, will be available for questions, autographs and denunciations. Hors d’oeuvres and an ill tasting punch will be served following the event.

A breakdown of the readings is as follows:

Sec 2. – Construction of the charter*:
Dave Preleski

Sec. 5. – City council districts, voting districts and precincts:
Calvin Brown

Sec. 51. – Referendum:
Andrew Howe

Sec. 55. – Ethics board and conflict of interests (Sections a and b):
Mayor Cockayne

Sec. 56. – Reserved for future use:
Mary Fortier

Appendix C Zoning:
Anthony D’Amato

* Includes Legislative history — Sp. No. 352, § 2, 1911; Sp. No. 102, 1921; Sp. No. 434, § 2, 1931; Sp. No. 489, § 2, 1939.