Four Keys to a Successful City Council Meeting Tonight

March 13, 2018

Tonight at 7PM there is a City Council meeting.

The City Council has gotten off to a good start this year, but in order to keep the momentum going there are four keys to make sure that tonight’s meeting is successful too.

Why only four keys? Because Boardman could not think of five.

Opening Ceremonies

It is important the meeting begin without any problems and what better way than to have the Pledge of Allegiance happen without a hitch. If everyone does it unison it should be a good night. However, if someone misses a beat it will be an omen of things to come.

Peter Kelley with an e Needs to Turn his Microphone on and Keep it on

Mr. Kelley has difficulties with his microphone because he forgets to turn it on and keep it on. “I need to cut down on my unforced errors. It’s a killing us in the red zone during these meetings,” Mr. Kelley explained at Media Day last Tuesday. “There is no question I have to take better care of the microphone.”

Consent Calendar

The City Council is addressing what many residents have complained about for years and years: the length of the Consent Calendar. At press time there are nine items on the agenda for tonight. As a result, they announced new initiatives, which includes a countdown clock and buzzers for items that run long.

Councilors will also be reminded by the Chair to cut down on their use of adjectives, and to read faster.

If the Corporation Counsel Chimes in it Could be a Long Night

Should the Corporation Counsel get control of the microphone the Chair may never get it back, and thus lose the audience and the meeting.

“Time of Possession is important at meetings like this,” Councilwoman Mary Fortier told Boardman. The audience does not want to hear words like “complex litigation” or “update” or “Petitioner v so and so”. If the City Council can win the time of possession battle this will be a successful meeting.”

At the meeting in February they nearly lost control because the Corporation Counsel went on and on with details regarding four lawsuits that were never brought to the council for approval.

District 2 Councilman Dave Preleski said he was stunned by those revelations, “I was stunned by those revelations and didn’t think we would ever get the microphone back. Josh (Medeiros) and I ordered takeout because it took so long. Who knew?”

The City Council meeting starts at 7PM with an after party beginning shortly thereafter.

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City Council Live Tuesday

February 11, 2018

Tickets are still available for Tuesday’s City Council meeting at 111 N. Main Street at 7PM.

The agenda items include many standards from their catalog such as: “Approval of the Minutes from the Previous Meeting,” “Appointments,” and “Resignations.”

For Tuesday’s meeting, promoters promise the set list will feature the council’s signature hits “Unfinished Business,” “New Business,” and “Committee Reports” with a slew of others including their anthem “Announcements.”

Recent performances saw Councilwoman Mary Fortier’s signature announcement and solo spot “How to Pay Your Water Bill Online” being dropped from the set. Devotes (Councilheads) are hoping it returns Tuesday night because it usually rips the roof off the place.

Attendees should be ready for a neat and orderly meeting with plenty of council clichés, presentations, questions and general banality. However, Mayor Ellen Zoppo-Sassu promises a quiz following the meeting with study aids being made available.

As an added bonus an “Executive Session” could be in order, but it will be out of sight from the public. Although, a glimpse of the Cone of Decision is possible.

The opening act is expected to be Joint Board Meeting, and their set will last 15-30 minutes. Councilheads will be pleased to learn they will not perform an extended version of “Comptroller Interlude” thus extending the JBM set.

Event: City Council Meeting
Date and Time: Tuesday February 13, 7 PM
Opening Act: Joint Board Meeting
Special Guests: Public Participation (Open format)


Federal Hill Association to Provide Trolley Tours Following Winter Storm

February 7, 2018

Bristol/Forestville will receive a wintry mix of ice and show Wednesday with schools expected to be closed. Accumulations will be 2 to 4 inches with the higher elevations to receive slightly more.

The Bristol Federal Hill Association, anticipating the community wants to know how residents of Federal Hill faired during and after the storm, will have trolley tours all day Thursday so everyone can see for themselves. The tours will feature first-hand accounts by Federal Hill residents about the challenges they faced watching others clean their driveways and sidewalks.

There will also be stories by survivors who braved the elements, and removed snow themselves with a snowblower or shovel.

Meanwhile, Thursday morning, the mayor and acting mayor will survey the snow covered Federal Hill neighborhood from a helicopter to verify there is no damage. Later, they will attend a media briefing and update the city if Federal Hill residents require aid or assistance.

If you need information about how family and friends in the Federal Hill neighborhood are doing after the storm, the city encourages you to call the hotline they set up at 1-800-FEDERAL. The hotline is open from 6:30 a.m. until midnight every day until the next storm rolls in.


Key to the City Found

January 27, 2018

The Key to the City, reported to be missing since the election, was located late yesterday afternoon.

The initial suspects were new city councilors Greg Hahn, Josh Medeiros and Peter Kelley with an e. However, in a stunning and unexpected turn of events, the key was found in the mayor’s fall purse; a faux snake skin Vera Bradley clutch with matching wallet and key fob.

The mayor, Ellen Zoppo-something or other, attempted to downplay the incident by blaming Mary Fortier, a councilwoman in District 3 with a pretend French last name. “Finding the key in my Vera Bradley is like finding a toy at Toys R Us or a hammer at Hammer World. Obviously, Mary put it there because she is the acting mayor and wants me out of the way,” Mrs. Zoppo something or other told Boardman as she dived into a Caramel Mocha Iced Coffee with a trapezoid shaped Krazy Straw®.


Snaffu at Mayor’s Portrait Unveiling

January 10, 2018

Tuesday night local A-listers, people from the “the click” and folks that no one has ever heard of, crowded into the Council Chambers at City Hall to see Mayor Ellen Zoppo-Sassu’s official portrait revealed.

Regardless of social status, however; everyone was stunned to discover that the newly minted mayor did not have a photo portrait, instead her image was cast onto a baseball card. “We are still trying to figure out what happened,” said stunned councilwoman Mary Fortier, who is the mayor’s consigliere and was in charge of the Photo Committee, the Unveiling the Photo Committee and Tour the Mayor’s Office Committee. “She sat for the photo; they took the photo, we proofed the photo and we got a (deleted expletive) baseball card!”, Mrs. Fortier vented while sampling the tiramisu pie she made for the occasion.

The card has small black borders and boasts a large photo of the mayor, but showcases smaller photos of several city councilors, including Mrs. Fortier. The back of the card contains Mrs. Zoppo-Sassu’s biographical information, her accomplishments and season-by-season statistics for the one-time light hitting utility outfielder.

Every mayor from John F. Wade to Daniel J. Donovan to Ken Cockayne have a photo portrait until now. “We will get this baseball card thing rectified and corrected,” Mrs. Fortier vowed to Boardman in the hallway following the ceremony. “Meanwhile, I will trade you an Ellen Zoppo-Sassu card for two Tommy Shopay’s, a Ted Kubiak and a player to be named later.”

Boardman is holding out for more.

P.S. Ted who? Yeah, yeah yeah. Look him up.


Key(s) to the City Missing

January 2, 2018

The ceremonial key to the city, which is bestowed upon deserving citizens that have a positive impact on Bristol or Forestville, is missing the mayor’s office said early Tuesday morning.

Following the transfer of power from the previous administration, the key subsequently vanished. Councilwoman Mary Fortier told Boardman in an exclusive, “Ellen (Zoppo-Sassu) handed it me and I handed it to Dave (Preleski) and he handed it to a guy who handed it to a guy and so on and so forth. Now it is missing. What the (deleted expletive)!”

Mayor Ellen Zoppo-Sassu noted she would personally conduct an audit of city property, and do an inventory too if the key does not turn up. However, as she told Boardman while navigating her way through a Dunkin Donuts Coconut Crème Pie flavored iced coffee, which offers a creamy combo of vanilla, coconut and sweet pie crust flavors. At least that’s what she said it says on their website anyway. “I have been connecting the dots on this missing key, and have connected them to one of the new city council members. Could be Greg Hahn maybe Josh Medeiros but my money is on Peter Kelley. I have no evidence nor do I have proof. Call it a hunch,” the mayor told Boardman.

The Southington Board of Education was contacted by Boardman about this matter, and they declined to comment. Wimps.

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A Look Back at 2017

December 27, 2017

2017 had its fair share of stories and headlines to captivate the residents of Bristol and Forestville. Here is a look back at just a few of the stories that made headlines.

Drought Ends

The drought of 2016 came to an end in 2017. The then mayor officially declared the drought over with a ribbon cutting ceremony, and told drought protestors to shut up and go home.

Drought protestors said they would not leave because the Bristol Reservoirs were not 98% full, they were 2% empty.

Bristol Used New Defense Laser to Eliminate Blight and Critics

In March, Lockheed Martin announced they developed a 60 kilowatt-class laser that the government could use to thwart threats.

Consequently, in an effort to eliminate threats such as blight and critics, the mayor asked the army to fire the laser at both. The Office of the Mayor within days announced, “The U.S. Army, at the behest of the City of Bristol, used a Stryker armored vehicle with a laser weapon and ‘burn-through’ capabilities, eradicated both blight and critics thus removing these stains from Bristol.”

Super Fight II Ellen Vs Ken

Super Fight II, as it is dubbed for the purposes of this article so the boxing playbill created during the election and edited out of a piece can finally be used, did not live up to the hype as Ellen vanquished Mayor Ken handily by winning every precinct. However, the campaign was spirited, entertaining and added to their lore.

Ellen Zoppo-Sassu’s win was historic and inspirational as she became the first hyphenated mayor in Bristol’s history. Her victory carved a path for Councilwoman Mary Fortier to become Bristol’s first acting female mayor.

Mrs. Fortier was subsequently lauded with accolades from all over the state; her photo appeared on the front page of most state newspapers and she made numerous television appearances too. Oh, wait, that was Ellen not Mary. Never mind.

Man Who Crossed Street Without a Crossing Signal Censured by City Council

Forestville resident Limping Larry, without using a crosswalk or a crossing signal to guide him, successfully crossed Pine Street on a Tuesday in mid July and was not injured or harmed, according to police.

However, the City Council, after the incident became public knowledge, censured Larry for taking such a risky walk.

Councilor Dave Preleski opined in a blistering editorial, “How did Limping Larry cross that street? Who colluded with him? Did he have help? If so, who and why? That is not an easy road to cross especially if you have limp even if it is fake like Larry’s.”

Limping Larry subsequently apologized to the Traffic Division and the City Council for crossing the street without waiting for the signal.

The collusion allegation remains under investigation and will be for the foreseeable future.

Forestville Man Opened an Escort Business

The midlife crisis of Forestville resident Bob Knepper continued.

Mr. Knepper opened an escort business in the red-light district of Forestville called Intimate Encounters. “I know prostitution is illegal but that doesn’t mean you can’t do it,” Mr. Knepper said.

Critics charged he was disrespecting and debasing women. In response Mr. Knepper remarked, “How am I being disrespectful and debasing women? We have a good dental plan and I even offered my wife a job on the weekends. You know this political correctness thing has gone too far.”

Help Us Reach Out Goal (BOE Deficit)

In August the Board of Education announced they had a 2.4 million dollar deficit.

Consequently, the BOE had a pledge drive to raise funds for the school year. The event was called “Whoops We Need 2 Million Dollars Pronto Won’t You Please Help.”

The deficit resulted in an escalation of everyone’s favorite social media activities: finger pointing and character assassination.

Closing Thoughts

There are no closing thoughts. This sentence was written to merely extend the article by another sentence. So was this one. And this one too.

Okay, I am done. This is my last sentence.