Review of the August 2018 City Council Meeting

August City Council Meeting
by The Mole

While Boardman continues to convalesce during his death, I attended the city council meeting on August 15th.

All times below are approximations because I have no concept of time. After all what is time, but just a form of measurement used to sequence events. Man that was kind of preachy.

Note: it is a WEDNESDAY and not a Tuesday so this seriously conflicts with my social agenda.

7:02
First impressions:
The councilor introductions would work a lot better with smoke bombs and lasers.

I don’t get how they are seated. Regardless of the logic, I think they should sit alphabetically and by height.

7:03ish
Announcements hits lead off tonight? Is someone injured? A day game after a night game possibly?

7:04ish
Amazon to Bristol? Hey now that’s a win!

The mayor has an Amazon gift bag and is tossing the contents to the city councilors. How about something for the spectators? Oh, right, no freebies for the potato eaters sitting out here in the cheap seats.

Ya know if she had an air cannon and shot those t-shirts into the crowd that would have played really well.

Whoa, whoa, whoa – time out. During that Amazon debriefing did the mayor drop “mosaic” on an unsuspecting crowd? What, no bifurcate or quixotic as part of her vocab this month?

7:22
A break already? What is going on here? First, they meet on a Wednesday. Next, Announcements is at the top of the meeting and finally the mayor utters a fancy word that does not necessitate me having to consult a linguist or a lexicographer. We are seriously off the rails.

7:25
We are back.

Wouldn’t it be neat if they used a starter pistol to signify the meeting was resuming?

7:45ish
Mary said there is a wiffleball tournament at Page Park. That is nice but I really wish she would discuss her water bills again. I miss those halcyon days.

7:53ish
Dave Preleski is up with the Ordinance Committee and Real Estate Reports. I am ready for him this month and plan to stay awake. I visited Dunkin Donuts earlier and purchased an Iced Coffee. They offer three sizes for this type of situation: Large, Extra Large and OH DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN! Knowing Dave was up tonight I went with the OH DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN!

Here we go. Wait! He waived off the reading? Jesus H! Hang on I need a minute to process this.

7:54
What am I going to do with all this coffee? Thanks a lot, Dave!

7:55
It seems I spoke too soon. He’s reading Ordinances. Freaking Preleski man. I bet Peter Kelley with an e, who just arrived, wishes he got stuck in traffic.

7:56
Peter Kelley with an e looks haggard and is loosening his tie. That look of exasperation shows he knows and he gets it. Have a Vodka, Lime and Soda and buckle up. No Waterbury Fade tonight Kemosabe!

7:57
I stand corrected. True to his word Dave kept it short. This night is so screwed up but thank you God.

8:08
I was texting with a “friend” so I missed a bunch of shit (no Boardman to edit me so I have free rein), but I did hear something about a grant and bullet proof vests. Bullet proof vests are important, but I wonder do they make designer bullet proof vests? When will Versace or Ralph Lauren get in on the action? Not only should one be protected, but they should be stylish while they are being protected.

8:12
What are they discussing now? Never mind I am losing my focus and I just learned Australian Pink Floyd is coming to the Oakdale in October so I am securing tickets.

8:15
Section 102 Row C!

8:16
Did I do my laundry?

8:17
Where can I get a jaw-dropping credit card with 0% APR and cash back awards?

8:18
There are two arm rests here. Which one is really mine?

8 something
Water, water, everywhere. This is inside baseball stuff. Next council meeting I am bringing a date.

Hey Boardman, if you can hear me in your current state, send help!

8:30 maybe
Executive Session! That’s a wrap. Thank you Boardman!

No idea what time it is
Next month’s meeting is next month so until then see you then.

The Mole

Review of the July 2018 City Council Meeting

Alan Boardman remains dead but his condition is improving. As a result, The Mole reviewed the July 2018 Bristol City Council meeting proceedings from Tuesday and those observations follow.

All times are made up because The Mole’s wrist watch does not work.

7:02
We start with the Pledge of Allegiance. Nothing wrong with that but can we change it up once in a while and do the Alphabet Song instead? From the looks of the crowd though there are some people here that probably don’t know the lyrics. Scratch that idea.

7:18
I am bored. Why can’t we have a barbeque during the meeting and turn this joint into a smokehouse? It would not be that difficult. The way I hear it Councilman Dave Mills makes a mean Cornish Game Hen with wild rice and mashed potatoes. Mr. Mills wraps it in bacon with a butter mixture that is absolutely to die for. All this while he diagrams football plays too.

The mayor can bring her Federal Hill famous baked beans. She uses pinto beans (sans the baked beans) with sautéed onions, peppers and a dash of rosemary to get that Smokey taste. Mmm-mmm.

Mary Fortier can show up with her infamous store-bought cole slaw.

Who can we get for the brisket? Does Councilman Greg Hahn cook? Probably not because he is a musician so he is only good for the booze. Get this man access to bourbon, lemon, vermouth, and ginger beer NOW and we can get this thing going!

7:25ish
Did the mayor just say quixotic? What does that even mean? My God I have to waste my time looking this shit up. Yeah, I swore because Boardman is dead and cannot edit me.

According to an online dictionary:

Adjective

1. exceedingly idealistic; unrealistic and impractical.

Yeah it fits these proceedings

Did this woman swallow a dictionary as a kid?

7:35ish
Property transactions. Oh sweet Jesus this is going to take forever. Councilman Preleski enjoys this way too much. Alas, I am headed to Dunkin for an Iced Coffee.

7:47ish.
I am back and Preleski is still going. Yap, yap, yap. My God! Peter Kelley with an e has the look of a man that is in need of a cyanide capsule.

7 something or other
Can we give the ball to Josh Medeiros? The guy is running up and down the court and playing solid D, but he ain’t getting no touches. He is not Pistol Pete Maravich with a dazzling array of behind the back passes, but he can dish and swish, especially from the left side of the circle.

It might be near 8PM
Quiet night for Mary and Greg. Other than seconding and making a motion to make a motion they are laying low. Have they become monks and taken a vow of silence? Let’s see…are they wearing robes? If the two idiots in front of me would-nope no robes. That sucks!

7:50
Other than the guy next to me waking up, what would happen right now if I were to yell Bingo!?

Time Unknown
Dave Preleski is the acting mayor for the next four months? Ay dios mio! Anyone have him in the Acting Mayor Pool? Please bring back Mary because I liked her tenure as acting mayor.

8:00 maybe
New Business is up followed by Old Business. Why can’t we have Nobody’s Business? Oh wait I spoke too soon. Apparently, they are going into “Executive Session” in a minute. Oh boy secret time! Shh.

Sometime after 8:00
Most of the gallery left so this is boring and deathly quiet. Those that remain have their faces stuck in their phones.

Should I make small talk with someone? Maybe this is an opportunity to get to know people that I do not know nor share my political opinions or life experiences. Perhaps by doing so new worthwhile relationships will be forged, and we can engage in dialogue and understanding. Who knows that could lead to lasting friendships thus making Bristol a truly “All Heart” type of community!

Are you kidding me? No way! The Sox are playing Texas and the Yanks are in Baltimore. I need scores and I need them now people.

Time Unknown
I am leaving as I am supposed to meet someone for coffee. Nothing will come of that silly secret meeting anyway. However, if by chance there is breaking news, the local media is here providing gavel to gavel coverage so we will definitely read about it first thing in the morning with a big giant headline!

The Mole

Four Keys to a Successful City Council Meeting Tonight

Tonight at 7PM there is a City Council meeting.

The City Council has gotten off to a good start this year, but in order to keep the momentum going there are four keys to make sure that tonight’s meeting is successful too.

Why only four keys? Because Boardman could not think of five.

Opening Ceremonies

It is important the meeting begin without any problems and what better way than to have the Pledge of Allegiance happen without a hitch. If everyone does it unison it should be a good night. However, if someone misses a beat it will be an omen of things to come.

Peter Kelley with an e Needs to Turn his Microphone on and Keep it on

Mr. Kelley has difficulties with his microphone because he forgets to turn it on and keep it on. “I need to cut down on my unforced errors. It’s a killing us in the red zone during these meetings,” Mr. Kelley explained at Media Day last Tuesday. “There is no question I have to take better care of the microphone.”

Consent Calendar

The City Council is addressing what many residents have complained about for years and years: the length of the Consent Calendar. At press time there are nine items on the agenda for tonight. As a result, they announced new initiatives, which includes a countdown clock and buzzers for items that run long.

Councilors will also be reminded by the Chair to cut down on their use of adjectives, and to read faster.

If the Corporation Counsel Chimes in it Could be a Long Night

Should the Corporation Counsel get control of the microphone the Chair may never get it back, and thus lose the audience and the meeting.

“Time of Possession is important at meetings like this,” Councilwoman Mary Fortier told Boardman. The audience does not want to hear words like “complex litigation” or “update” or “Petitioner v so and so”. If the City Council can win the time of possession battle this will be a successful meeting.”

At the meeting in February they nearly lost control because the Corporation Counsel went on and on with details regarding four lawsuits that were never brought to the council for approval.

District 2 Councilman Dave Preleski said he was stunned by those revelations, “I was stunned by those revelations and didn’t think we would ever get the microphone back. Josh (Medeiros) and I ordered takeout because it took so long. Who knew?”

The City Council meeting starts at 7PM with an after party beginning shortly thereafter.

City Council Live Tuesday

Tickets are still available for Tuesday’s City Council meeting at 111 N. Main Street at 7PM.

The agenda items include many standards from their catalog such as: “Approval of the Minutes from the Previous Meeting,” “Appointments,” and “Resignations.”

For Tuesday’s meeting, promoters promise the set list will feature the council’s signature hits “Unfinished Business,” “New Business,” and “Committee Reports” with a slew of others including their anthem “Announcements.”

Recent performances saw Councilwoman Mary Fortier’s signature announcement and solo spot “How to Pay Your Water Bill Online” being dropped from the set. Devotes (Councilheads) are hoping it returns Tuesday night because it usually rips the roof off the place.

Attendees should be ready for a neat and orderly meeting with plenty of council clichés, presentations, questions and general banality. However, Mayor Ellen Zoppo-Sassu promises a quiz following the meeting with study aids being made available.

As an added bonus an “Executive Session” could be in order, but it will be out of sight from the public. Although, a glimpse of the Cone of Decision is possible.

The opening act is expected to be Joint Board Meeting, and their set will last 15-30 minutes. Councilheads will be pleased to learn they will not perform an extended version of “Comptroller Interlude” thus extending the JBM set.

Event: City Council Meeting
Date and Time: Tuesday February 13, 7 PM
Opening Act: Joint Board Meeting
Special Guests: Public Participation (Open format)

Federal Hill Association to Provide Trolley Tours Following Winter Storm

Bristol/Forestville will receive a wintry mix of ice and show Wednesday with schools expected to be closed. Accumulations will be 2 to 4 inches with the higher elevations to receive slightly more.

The Bristol Federal Hill Association, anticipating the community wants to know how residents of Federal Hill faired during and after the storm, will have trolley tours all day Thursday so everyone can see for themselves. The tours will feature first-hand accounts by Federal Hill residents about the challenges they faced watching others clean their driveways and sidewalks.

There will also be stories by survivors who braved the elements, and removed snow themselves with a snowblower or shovel.

Meanwhile, Thursday morning, the mayor and acting mayor will survey the snow covered Federal Hill neighborhood from a helicopter to verify there is no damage. Later, they will attend a media briefing and update the city if Federal Hill residents require aid or assistance.

If you need information about how family and friends in the Federal Hill neighborhood are doing after the storm, the city encourages you to call the hotline they set up at 1-800-FEDERAL. The hotline is open from 6:30 a.m. until midnight every day until the next storm rolls in.

Key to the City Found

The Key to the City, reported to be missing since the election, was located late yesterday afternoon.

The initial suspects were new city councilors Greg Hahn, Josh Medeiros and Peter Kelley with an e. However, in a stunning and unexpected turn of events, the key was found in the mayor’s fall purse; a faux snake skin Vera Bradley clutch with matching wallet and key fob.

The mayor, Ellen Zoppo-something or other, attempted to downplay the incident by blaming Mary Fortier, a councilwoman in District 3 with a pretend French last name. “Finding the key in my Vera Bradley is like finding a toy at Toys R Us or a hammer at Hammer World. Obviously, Mary put it there because she is the acting mayor and wants me out of the way,” Mrs. Zoppo something or other told Boardman as she dived into a Caramel Mocha Iced Coffee with a trapezoid shaped Krazy Straw®.

Snaffu at Mayor’s Portrait Unveiling

Tuesday night local A-listers, people from the “the click” and folks that no one has ever heard of, crowded into the Council Chambers at City Hall to see Mayor Ellen Zoppo-Sassu’s official portrait revealed.

Regardless of social status, however; everyone was stunned to discover that the newly minted mayor did not have a photo portrait, instead her image was cast onto a baseball card. “We are still trying to figure out what happened,” said stunned councilwoman Mary Fortier, who is the mayor’s consigliere and was in charge of the Photo Committee, the Unveiling the Photo Committee and Tour the Mayor’s Office Committee. “She sat for the photo; they took the photo, we proofed the photo and we got a (deleted expletive) baseball card!”, Mrs. Fortier vented while sampling the tiramisu pie she made for the occasion.

The card has small black borders and boasts a large photo of the mayor, but showcases smaller photos of several city councilors, including Mrs. Fortier. The back of the card contains Mrs. Zoppo-Sassu’s biographical information, her accomplishments and season-by-season statistics for the one-time light hitting utility outfielder.

Every mayor from John F. Wade to Daniel J. Donovan to Ken Cockayne have a photo portrait until now. “We will get this baseball card thing rectified and corrected,” Mrs. Fortier vowed to Boardman in the hallway following the ceremony. “Meanwhile, I will trade you an Ellen Zoppo-Sassu card for two Tommy Shopay’s, a Ted Kubiak and a player to be named later.”

Boardman is holding out for more.

P.S. Ted who? Yeah, yeah yeah. Look him up.

Key(s) to the City Missing

The ceremonial key to the city, which is bestowed upon deserving citizens that have a positive impact on Bristol or Forestville, is missing the mayor’s office said early Tuesday morning.

Following the transfer of power from the previous administration, the key subsequently vanished. Councilwoman Mary Fortier told Boardman in an exclusive, “Ellen (Zoppo-Sassu) handed it me and I handed it to Dave (Preleski) and he handed it to a guy who handed it to a guy and so on and so forth. Now it is missing. What the (deleted expletive)!”

Mayor Ellen Zoppo-Sassu noted she would personally conduct an audit of city property, and do an inventory too if the key does not turn up. However, as she told Boardman while navigating her way through a Dunkin Donuts Coconut Crème Pie flavored iced coffee, which offers a creamy combo of vanilla, coconut and sweet pie crust flavors. At least that’s what she said it says on their website anyway. “I have been connecting the dots on this missing key, and have connected them to one of the new city council members. Could be Greg Hahn maybe Josh Medeiros but my money is on Peter Kelley. I have no evidence nor do I have proof. Call it a hunch,” the mayor told Boardman.

The Southington Board of Education was contacted by Boardman about this matter, and they declined to comment. Wimps.

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A Look Back at 2017

2017 had its fair share of stories and headlines to captivate the residents of Bristol and Forestville. Here is a look back at just a few of the stories that made headlines.

Drought Ends

The drought of 2016 came to an end in 2017. The then mayor officially declared the drought over with a ribbon cutting ceremony, and told drought protestors to shut up and go home.

Drought protestors said they would not leave because the Bristol Reservoirs were not 98% full, they were 2% empty.

Bristol Used New Defense Laser to Eliminate Blight and Critics

In March, Lockheed Martin announced they developed a 60 kilowatt-class laser that the government could use to thwart threats.

Consequently, in an effort to eliminate threats such as blight and critics, the mayor asked the army to fire the laser at both. The Office of the Mayor within days announced, “The U.S. Army, at the behest of the City of Bristol, used a Stryker armored vehicle with a laser weapon and ‘burn-through’ capabilities, eradicated both blight and critics thus removing these stains from Bristol.”

Super Fight II Ellen Vs Ken

Super Fight II, as it is dubbed for the purposes of this article so the boxing playbill created during the election and edited out of a piece can finally be used, did not live up to the hype as Ellen vanquished Mayor Ken handily by winning every precinct. However, the campaign was spirited, entertaining and added to their lore.

Ellen Zoppo-Sassu’s win was historic and inspirational as she became the first hyphenated mayor in Bristol’s history. Her victory carved a path for Councilwoman Mary Fortier to become Bristol’s first acting female mayor.

Mrs. Fortier was subsequently lauded with accolades from all over the state; her photo appeared on the front page of most state newspapers and she made numerous television appearances too. Oh, wait, that was Ellen not Mary. Never mind.

Man Who Crossed Street Without a Crossing Signal Censured by City Council

Forestville resident Limping Larry, without using a crosswalk or a crossing signal to guide him, successfully crossed Pine Street on a Tuesday in mid July and was not injured or harmed, according to police.

However, the City Council, after the incident became public knowledge, censured Larry for taking such a risky walk.

Councilor Dave Preleski opined in a blistering editorial, “How did Limping Larry cross that street? Who colluded with him? Did he have help? If so, who and why? That is not an easy road to cross especially if you have limp even if it is fake like Larry’s.”

Limping Larry subsequently apologized to the Traffic Division and the City Council for crossing the street without waiting for the signal.

The collusion allegation remains under investigation and will be for the foreseeable future.

Forestville Man Opened an Escort Business

The midlife crisis of Forestville resident Bob Knepper continued.

Mr. Knepper opened an escort business in the red-light district of Forestville called Intimate Encounters. “I know prostitution is illegal but that doesn’t mean you can’t do it,” Mr. Knepper said.

Critics charged he was disrespecting and debasing women. In response Mr. Knepper remarked, “How am I being disrespectful and debasing women? We have a good dental plan and I even offered my wife a job on the weekends. You know this political correctness thing has gone too far.”

Help Us Reach Out Goal (BOE Deficit)

In August the Board of Education announced they had a 2.4 million dollar deficit.

Consequently, the BOE had a pledge drive to raise funds for the school year. The event was called “Whoops We Need 2 Million Dollars Pronto Won’t You Please Help.”

The deficit resulted in an escalation of everyone’s favorite social media activities: finger pointing and character assassination.

Closing Thoughts

There are no closing thoughts. This sentence was written to merely extend the article by another sentence. So was this one. And this one too.

Okay, I am done. This is my last sentence.

10% Charlie, Guida’s Supercow and Other Local Celebrities Attend Inaugural

Supercow arriving at Inaugural

Bristol’s new mayor and city councilors were sworn in Monday night at Bristol Eastern High School. The auditorium was crowded and enthusiastic, and included three former mayors and many dignitaries.

Other luminaries in attendance were 10% Charlie from Kaoud Oriental Rugs, Good Ole Tom, Fast Eddy, Crazy Bruce, BB (from the Bristol Blues) and Guida’s Dairy Supercow who took a real shine to Mary Fortier.

10% Charlie was spied chatting up newly sworn-in City Councilor Greg Hahn at the meet and greet following the ceremony, but became a nuisance because he ended every sentence with, “and don’t forget to ask for me 10% Charlie.”

10% Charlie

Crazy Bruce was as crazy as ever and perhaps a little tipsy too because he sang corny songs out of key while trying to sell cheap booze cheap.

Others like Good Ole Tom and Fast Eddy mingled while looking for cheap gold and silver to buy. Fast Eddy however, poorly disguised himself as the lady from the Bob’s Discount TV commercials and kept looking over his shoulder.

BB, a baseball mascot, appeared out of place so he just sat in the corner and twitched nervously while eating peaches from a can.

Guida’s Supercow worked the room flashing the peace sign and posing for photos. Later he took to the dance floor with ladies in bikini tops and short shorts. Okay, I made that last part up.

Following the meet and greet with Bristol’s new city employees, Supercow said that it was not only ‘an honor’ to be invited but to attend too because he finally got to meet Mary Fortier and 10% Charlie.