How Much Snow Today? No one Knows

March 10, 2017

A winter storm is expected for Forestville Friday during the morning commute and ending around 4PM.

Due to the snow grocery stores, gas stations, churches and area brothels were crowded Thursday night in anticipation of the storm.

WFSB Channel 3 predicted Forestville could receive as much as 4 inches. NBC 30 said “maybe” three inches.

Meanwhile News Channel 8 claimed the Ville might be buried with two inches perchance. And the National Weather Service predicted there could be as much as an inch. However, AccuWeather said conceivably there could be no accumulation of snow in Forestville.

Regardless of the differing opinions, a parking ban was issued beginning Friday at midnight and will remain in effect until further notice.

With the “storm” bearing down on Southern New England, Forestville residents were reminded by government officials of the following:

• In the event of an emergency the number for 911 is 911
• Stop, look and listen before you cross the street
• Stay alert, stand firm, show courage and be strong
• If you see something say something
• Liberté, égalité, fraternité!
• There is no abbreviation for the word pop

The Forestville Fire Department could not be reached for comment.

Boardman Attends White House Press Conference

February 28, 2017


White House press secretary Sean Spicer revolutionized press conferences by allowing media outlets outside D.C. to attend through the use of Skype. Boardman was lucky enough to get one of these Skype seats for a recent presser.

Sadly, the White House press corps was upset with Boardman. Some felt the Boardman reporter’s question to Sean, “How much is that podium you use and where can I get one for my mom?” was irrelevant to the purpose of the meeting. Even more expressed outrage at the podium’s price tag with an Amish Times reporter claiming he could get one for half the cost in oak. Others were even, even more disgusted by our reporter’s follow-up question, “Can you guess what number I’m thinking of right now?”

Boardman released a statement saying the press corps was sanctimonious in their criticism and that our reporter’s questions was in the interest of the public’s right to know about pressing issues of the day. Also it helped us get a sweet deal on a podium.

Next week, a Skype seat will be held by little Janie Wills who puts out The Forestville Cat Newspaper to her friends in kindergarten. She is expected to ask if the president likes cats and if so, how much.

And the following week, it will be The Bristol Press’s turn to hold a Skype seat. Press reporter Jane Zachary Jones is expected to ask the president’s opinion of Cortland Hull.

Breaking News: Local Man Has Headache

February 25, 2017


Forestville resident Mitchell Luby complained of a constant but dull pain in his head Friday. Co-workers said the headache caused him to leave work early. Although the source or cause of the headache at this hour remains unknown it is not believed to be work related.

Mr. Luby’s status is listed as day to day. The Bristol Press and Bristol Observer are aware of this story but declined to file reports.

In an unrelated matter, a local writer was working on a new article for his blog yesterday and suddenly stopped writing in mid sentennce because h

Trump Pressers to be on Pay-Per-View

January 13, 2017


Last Wednesday’s press conference pitted Donald Trump against CNN reporter Jim Accosta and the reviews say it was a smash hit. Therefore Trump’s office announced a new schedule of press conferences to be held at various venues around the country on pay-per-view.

The schedule will be arranged by Linda McMahon, Trump nominee for Small Business Administration head and past CEO of the professional wrestling organization WWE.

The next press conference scheduled for February 20th is expected to continue the CNN/Trump feud storyline. The plan calls for Accosta to badger Trump and Trump to taunt and mock Accosta and CNN. It is expected to do large pay-per-view buys especially in the international markets like China and Russia.

The undercard features The Undertaker vs. Rachel Maddow and Anderson Cooper vs. Kathy Griffin. “Kathy’s embarrassed me on my New Year’s Eve show one too many times,” Cooper said. “No more Mr. Nice Gay!”