Best of the City Council Now Available on DVD

November 19, 2017

Just in time for Black Friday and the official start of Christmas shopping, Clown Town Video is releasing on DVD, Blue-ray and Digital HD the Best of the City Council 2015 – 2016 Volume 1 for only $29.95.

For the first time ever all of the tension, anger and drama of the 2015 – 2016 council meetings are compiled and presented in vivid color and mono sound.

No city council meetings in the surrounding towns can top Bristol’s in 2015 and 2016 with the harrowing plot lines and unending drama.

Volume 1 is a two-disc set and contains the following:

Disc 1
Nightmare on North Main Street

Pledge of Allegiance (October 2016)
Mary’s Mosaic
Recusal Part 1
Where Do You Live?
Time’s Up!
Calvin’s Crusade
Water Bills!
Recusal Part II
Public Comments: Secret Meetings?
Special Council Meeting June 2016
Censure 1

Disc 2
Beyond Councildome

FOI
Special Council Meeting August 2016
Robert’s Rules of Order, or Not Robert’s Rules of Order, That is the Question
Recusal Part III
Please Stand By: Audio Difficulties
Encourage and Welcome Dissent
Revenge of the Water Bills (Computers Are Not My Favorite Thing)
Announcements
Recusal Part IV
Code Enforcement: Judgement Day
Here We Go Again

Product Description
Recorded Live at 111 N. Main Street in the council chambers it’s the Bristol City Council Meetings 2015 – 2016 Volume 1.

Watch the reading of the minutes, new business, old business and of course the drama. It is all here on 2 discs for the first time ever!

Product Details
• Format: Multiple Formats, Box set, Color, Mono, NTSC
• Language: English (Dolby Digital 2.0)
• Subtitles: English/Gibberish
• Subtitles for the Hearing Impaired: English
• Region: Region 1 (U.S. and Canada only)
• Aspect Ratio: 1.33:1
• Number of discs: 2
• Rated: NR Not Rated
• Studio: Clown Town

Release Date: November 24, 2017

Editorial Reviews
The first of two contentious council years began with promise and hope, and ended with mistrust and infighting.

The Best of the City Council 2015 – 2016 Volume 1 on DVD, Blue-ray and Digital HD includes appearances by an array of residents, city employees, department heads, attorneys, lawyers, barristers, legal advisors and many more.

SPECIAL FEATURES: Audio Commentary by some of the participants. Companion documentary Fahrenheit 1/11 North Main.

Carla Rodriguez Calderón
Seeing this compilation makes me yearn for more drama!

Shelley Nguyen
While watching this I laughed and I cried so I can say it is well worth the 30 bucks.

Rippy Patton
I was there and this %$*# was real!

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10% Charlie, Guida’s Supercow and Other Local Celebrities Attend Inaugural

November 16, 2017

Supercow arriving at Inaugural

Bristol’s new mayor and city councilors were sworn in Monday night at Bristol Eastern High School. The auditorium was crowded and enthusiastic, and included three former mayors and many dignitaries.

Other luminaries in attendance were 10% Charlie from Kaoud Oriental Rugs, Good Ole Tom, Fast Eddy, Crazy Bruce, BB (from the Bristol Blues) and Guida’s Dairy Supercow who took a real shine to Mary Fortier.

10% Charlie was spied chatting up newly sworn-in City Councilor Greg Hahn at the meet and greet following the ceremony, but became a nuisance because he ended every sentence with, “and don’t forget to ask for me 10% Charlie.”

10% Charlie

Crazy Bruce was as crazy as ever and perhaps a little tipsy too because he sang corny songs out of key while trying to sell cheap booze cheap.

Others like Good Ole Tom and Fast Eddy mingled while looking for cheap gold and silver to buy. Fast Eddy however, poorly disguised himself as the lady from the Bob’s Discount TV commercials and kept looking over his shoulder.

BB, a baseball mascot, appeared out of place so he just sat in the corner and twitched nervously while eating peaches from a can.

Guida’s Supercow worked the room flashing the peace sign and posing for photos. Later he took to the dance floor with ladies in bikini tops and short shorts. Okay, I made that last part up.

Following the meet and greet with Bristol’s new city employees, Supercow said that it was not only ‘an honor’ to be invited but to attend too because he finally got to meet Mary Fortier and 10% Charlie.


Place Your Betts! Las Vegas Oddsmakers Taking Betts on Local Elections

November 3, 2017

The race for mayor between Ken Cockayne and Ellen Zoppo-Sassu has attracted the attention of Las Vegas bookmakers and local bookies. However, betting on the outcome is not the only thing people are putting their money on.

The race is too close to call and the line keeps fluctuating so gamblers are placing bets on other categories such as: What color dress will Ellen wear election night? Blue? Red? Hot Magenta? Scotch Tape Plaid? Betters are putting their money on red but if you bet $100 on Scotch Tape Plaid, and she wears it you could win $2,500!

Currently, much to everyone’s chagrin, there is no betting line established for a pantsuit.

As for the mayor on election night, what type of knot will he tie his infamous orange tie? Half Windsor? Full Windsor? Kelvin Knot? Will he need help tying it? The money seems to be following that idea as 45 percent of it came in late yesterday.

You can also lay a wager on who will the Bristol Observer endorse for mayor. Experts discourage putting any money on Ellen because the Observer has become state-run media.

What about the Write-in candidate? Oddsmakers have established an over/under line for him.

In 2015 the Write-in received 11 votes. The over/under this year, based on the candidate’s depth of political knowledge, sincerity, moxie and voter anger, is 15.5.

Bookies are taking bets on the council races too. How many videos will Greg Hahn make of himself taking leisurely strolls? How many times will Andrew Howe use his highly successful, “Bristol is an oasis in a fiscal desert” line prior to Election Day?

Voters have it tough these days. Not only must they decide who the best political leaders are for the town, but who and what they should bet on.

The election is Tuesday November 7, 2017. Stay semi-informed with Alan Boardman’s semi-comprehensive and semi-accurate election coverage.


Sean Spicer Eyes Move to Federal Hill

October 7, 2017

Following the news that former White House spokesperson Sean Spicer is eying properties in the Federal Hill section of Bristol, The Bristol Federal Hill Association held an emergency meeting late last night.

Many members are in a panic that Mr. Spicer could move into the historic neighborhood. One man, who lives on Oakland Street and wished not to be identified, but his first name is Otto and his last name is Velez, said he does not want Mr. Spicer to live near him. “I am afraid he will yell at me and my little dog FuFu if I ask him a question.”

Fefe DuBoise went further telling Boardman, “He will interrupt the neighborhood’s bucolic splendor with his constant need to argue.”

After failing to land a job at CBS News, CNN, Fox News, ABC News and NBC News as a contributor, Mr. Spicer secured a deal to develop a program with Nutmeg TV, the areas public access station. Boardman has exclusively learned that Sean Spicer’s program will be called Yoga with Sean and will air Wednesday mornings at 6AM.

Sean Spicer is considering a move to the Bristol/Forestville area so he can commute to Nutmeg TV with Bob Boils host of Good Morning Plainville.


MOTHER OF GOD WHAT THE F IS GOING ON?

September 28, 2017

“Hoooooly Shit! The City of Bristol has gone collectively insane!” exclaimed Dr. Edward Stouten, a psychologist at Tunxis Community College following the revelations in Bristol’s latest political soap opera.

For the last few weeks there have random apologies, accusations, counter accusations, screen shots, finger pointing, Facebook fights and threats all in the name of politics.

In an exclusive interview, Dr. Stouten told Boardman while twirling his right index finger near his head, “This town is cuckoo.”

Dr. Stouten, in a report to The American Psychiatric Association, recommended that the entire City of Bristol be sent to a state mental facility that is fenced with guarded grounds for evaluation, treatment and therapy. “Clinically speaking there are no drugs or medications on God’s green earth that can help some of the politicos or residents. I’m not mentioning names…Amanda Yapes.”

In attempt to capitalize on all the chaos, next month the local public access channel Nutmeg TV will air its new day time drama As Bristol Fades.

Gunner Fenbeck and Brad Blazer, the producers of How to Make Toast and Legislators in Love, promise plenty of plot twists, tawdry secrets and kooky plotlines ripped straight from the hallowed halls of Bristol City Hall in the hour-long drama.

In the first episode, the self-described “man of the people candidate”, Andrew Howe suffering from Stockholm Syndrome is written out of the show as he follows the mayor off a political cliff.

In a weird side plot, the Cicero of the council chambers Calvin Brown blurts out a secret that’s not a secret but is a secret to those that don’t know that it’s a secret. DUN DUN DUUUUN!!!

And finally, a deceased mayor comes back from the dead to haunt the town and run as a third-party candidate in his present reanimated condition. Boo!

As Bristol Fades will air at noon Monday through Friday on Nutmeg TV following a morning of dead air.

The Forestville Fired Department declined to comment about this matter.


Remember Sebastian Gorka? Try Not to Gasp When You See Him Now!

August 27, 2017

Sebastian Gorka, a fiery counterterrorism guru, no longer works at the White House but he wasn’t fired, or dismissed nor did he resign – he just no longer works there.  According to sources he will most likely take a job with Breitbart News. 

During his tenure at the White House no one knew what his duties were other than to look like someone that would be named Sebastian Gorka.  Those duties will continue at Breitbart.

Sebastian Gorka Gets a Jaw-Dropping Credit Card With a 0% APR Until October 2018

His parting gifts from the Trump administration include a Discover it® – Cashback Match™ card. 

Sebastian Gorka qualified for the card because he has average to excellent credit, which is usually a credit score of 670 or higher. He was thrilled to learn that there are Card perks such as free TransUnion FICO® Score on his monthly statement and lots of fine print that he will never read.

How is Sebastian Gorka Responding to Taylor Swift’s New Song?

Now that Sebastian Gorka is out of a job and away from the White House, one thing everyone wants to know is: What does Sebastian Gorka think of Taylor Swift’s new single? 

Many believed Sebastian Gorka would throw some shade on the tune and say it was “fake” written by “extremists” because he says that about everything. But so far he has remained silent. Associates say Sebastian Gorka has remained silent because….

Connecticut Homeowners Born Before 1985 Get a Big Surprise

Sebastian Gorka was born in October of 1970 so he qualifies for the Home Affordable Refinance Program, which typically saves $4,140 homeowners a year.

Due to his cool new credit card and the new Taylor Swift tune in his head and the money he is saving, Sebastian Gorka will sleep well because…

It is Time For a New Pillow!

Sebastian Gorka deserves to sleep better at night, and there is no easier way than with a Sleepgram pillow.

The Sleepgram Pillow is a revolutionary pillow because not only is it the only pillow on the market that is delivered in a shipping crate, but it is the only pillow on the market that can be folded into thirds.

And this is fantastic news for Sebastian Gorka because…


Forestville Man Successfully Makes Bank Deposit

August 2, 2017

Gavin Peppers successfully deposited birthday money into his savings account shortly after 2 PM today. No one was reported injured.

Glenn Thrush, April Ryan, Lorenzo Burgio, Eugene Robinson, Ben Bradlee Jr., Mike Barnicle, Joseph Rago, Hamed Aleaziz, Don Stacom, Barbara Demick, Robert Lipsyte, Kirsten Powers, Thomas Friedman, Carl Bernstein, Paul Krugman, Seymour Hersh, David J. Frum, Pete Hamill, Katy Tur, Maggie Haberman, and Edward Clarkin contributed to this story.

Correction: A previous version of this report neglected to mention that Mr. Peppers is 68 years old. Boardman deeply regrets the omission.