Remember Sebastian Gorka? Try Not to Gasp When You See Him Now!

August 27, 2017

Sebastian Gorka, a fiery counterterrorism guru, no longer works at the White House but he wasn’t fired, or dismissed nor did he resign – he just no longer works there.  According to sources he will most likely take a job with Breitbart News. 

During his tenure at the White House no one knew what his duties were other than to look like someone that would be named Sebastian Gorka.  Those duties will continue at Breitbart.

Sebastian Gorka Gets a Jaw-Dropping Credit Card With a 0% APR Until October 2018

His parting gifts from the Trump administration include a Discover it® – Cashback Match™ card. 

Sebastian Gorka qualified for the card because he has average to excellent credit, which is usually a credit score of 670 or higher. He was thrilled to learn that there are Card perks such as free TransUnion FICO® Score on his monthly statement and lots of fine print that he will never read.

How is Sebastian Gorka Responding to Taylor Swift’s New Song?

Now that Sebastian Gorka is out of a job and away from the White House, one thing everyone wants to know is: What does Sebastian Gorka think of Taylor Swift’s new single? 

Many believed Sebastian Gorka would throw some shade on the tune and say it was “fake” written by “extremists” because he says that about everything. But so far he has remained silent. Associates say Sebastian Gorka has remained silent because….

Connecticut Homeowners Born Before 1985 Get a Big Surprise

Sebastian Gorka was born in October of 1970 so he qualifies for the Home Affordable Refinance Program, which typically saves $4,140 homeowners a year.

Due to his cool new credit card and the new Taylor Swift tune in his head and the money he is saving, Sebastian Gorka will sleep well because…

It is Time For a New Pillow!

Sebastian Gorka deserves to sleep better at night, and there is no easier way than with a Sleepgram pillow.

The Sleepgram Pillow is a revolutionary pillow because not only is it the only pillow on the market that is delivered in a shipping crate, but it is the only pillow on the market that can be folded into thirds.

And this is fantastic news for Sebastian Gorka because…

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Forestville Man Successfully Makes Bank Deposit

August 2, 2017

Gavin Peppers successfully deposited birthday money into his savings account shortly after 2 PM today. No one was reported injured.

Glenn Thrush, April Ryan, Lorenzo Burgio, Eugene Robinson, Ben Bradlee Jr., Mike Barnicle, Joseph Rago, Hamed Aleaziz, Don Stacom, Barbara Demick, Robert Lipsyte, Kirsten Powers, Thomas Friedman, Carl Bernstein, Paul Krugman, Seymour Hersh, David J. Frum, Pete Hamill, Katy Tur, Maggie Haberman, and Edward Clarkin contributed to this story.

Correction: A previous version of this report neglected to mention that Mr. Peppers is 68 years old. Boardman deeply regrets the omission.


Sean Spicer to be Offered Communications Job with the Mayor?

July 22, 2017

Sean Spicer, White House press secretary, resigned Friday morning following the appointment of Anthony Scaramucci as Director of Communications.

Immediately following his resignation, City Hall officials, on behalf of Mayor Cockayne, reached out to Mr. Spicer to determine if he was interested in a communications job with the mayor’s office. Personnel Director Diane Ferguson told the mayor she was impressed with Mr. Spicer’s ability to explain the president’s various positions, even when he didn’t know what they were.

As an incentive, the administration offered to have a customized maple podium designed with Mr. Spicer’s name engraved. The podium includes an adjustable gooseneck microphone and not one but two cup holders.

Celebrity watchers wonder if Melissa McCarthy is going to be hanging out around town now as a result.

However, should Mr. Spicer accept the position it would lead to the termination of the mayor’s longtime spokesperson, Egor.

Egor is popular with residents but the mayor has grown increasingly frustrated with him because he has no command of the English language, and he speaks in the third person. Speaking from his home under the Anthony V. Savino Bridge on Route 72, Egor commented about the matter, “Egor not happy, Egor mad. You not like Egor when Egor mad!”

Members of the usual press contingent in Bristol expressed nervousness. Said an anxious Mike Chaiken of the Bristol Observer, “I heard the last reporter that argued with Spicer ended up cowering under a chair after a particularly harrowing barrage of Mother Superior-style repartee.”

The press pool is also concerned over rumors that Spicer will ban the use of cameras, mikes and even sign language at press conferences. “Does this mean we have to go back to using pen and paper?” Lorenzo Burgio of the Bristol Press plaintively asked. “Writing? I – I don’t remember how to do that.”


CNN: The Joke Stops Here

July 7, 2017

CNN tracked down the person who made the meme of Trump beating up a person wearing a CNN logo in a pro-wrestling match. They threatened him with public exposure and subsequent violence. As a condition of their silence, the perpetrator agreed to abstain from internet activity and have Anderson Cooper’s face tattooed on his buttocks.

CNN head Jeff Zucker said that the network’s strategy is to now get tough with people who would make fun of them. “News is not funny,” he said while standing barefoot in a vat of wine grapes. “Anyone who tries to make fun of it, we will crush like… like whatever I’m standing on right now.”

As part of this new aggressive stance, the network ID has also changed. Now James Earl Jones announces, “This is CNN… b***h!”

Zucker also declared, “Next, we’re going after ‘The Simpsons’ for killing me off in an episode. I promise everyone that this time Bart will eat my shorts!”

In response to these actions, the board of Boardman and its founder, Alan Boardman, unanimously voted to not offend CNN in future articles.

“I have a wife and kids,” said one harried board member. “I can’t afford for CNN to find out and tell my girlfriend about that!”

“My degree from The Connecticut School of Broadcasting And Stuff never prepared me for this,” said another. “I have nightmares of Wolf Blitzer making love to my wife!”

As a precautionary procedure, Boardman offices have instituted CNN reporter drills. Employees will learn what to do in case a representative from CNN visits. Boardman’s current fire marshal on loan from a rival Bristol newspaper based in Nevada, Edward Clarkin said, “We’re still deciding what a drill should look like. We considered ‘duck and cover.’ But for now, we are sticking to the procedure John Kerry used to negotiate a deal with Iran – ‘stop, drop and beg.'”


Greta Out at MSNBC

June 30, 2017

Greta Van Susteren is out after 6 months MSNBC, but she won’t be out of work long.    

Nutmeg TV, the public access provider for Forestville and Bristol, contacted Van Susteren immediately following her dismissal and hired her to host a call-in show called, “The Talk of Bristol.”

According to Nutmeg TV Executive Director Joanie Sutter, “The Talk of Bristol” will broadcast every other Tuesday at 6 p.m., following “Fun With Straws” and prior to “How to Dig a Hole.”

Despite her awards, fame and over 20 years of television experience, Ms. Van Susteren must take Nutmeg TVs production classes to learn how to use their equipment and produce a program before she goes on the air, Sutter proudly revealed. 
 
This is the second coup for the public access station in as many months.  In May they landed Scott Pelley formally anchor and managing editor of the “CBS Evening News.”  Mr. Pelley currently labels and logs tapes in the Nutmeg TV Library because he has not yet completed Nutmeg’s rigorous production classes.

“For The Record with Greta” began airing on MSNBC in January of 2017, and was cancelled due to poor ratings and frizzy hair.


How Much Snow Today? No one Knows

March 10, 2017

A winter storm is expected for Forestville Friday during the morning commute and ending around 4PM.

Due to the snow grocery stores, gas stations, churches and area brothels were crowded Thursday night in anticipation of the storm.

WFSB Channel 3 predicted Forestville could receive as much as 4 inches. NBC 30 said “maybe” three inches.

Meanwhile News Channel 8 claimed the Ville might be buried with two inches perchance. And the National Weather Service predicted there could be as much as an inch. However, AccuWeather said conceivably there could be no accumulation of snow in Forestville.

Regardless of the differing opinions, a parking ban was issued beginning Friday at midnight and will remain in effect until further notice.

With the “storm” bearing down on Southern New England, Forestville residents were reminded by government officials of the following:

• In the event of an emergency the number for 911 is 911
• Stop, look and listen before you cross the street
• Stay alert, stand firm, show courage and be strong
• If you see something say something
• Liberté, égalité, fraternité!
• There is no abbreviation for the word pop

The Forestville Fire Department could not be reached for comment.


Boardman Attends White House Press Conference

February 28, 2017

press-conf-01

White House press secretary Sean Spicer revolutionized press conferences by allowing media outlets outside D.C. to attend through the use of Skype. Boardman was lucky enough to get one of these Skype seats for a recent presser.

Sadly, the White House press corps was upset with Boardman. Some felt the Boardman reporter’s question to Sean, “How much is that podium you use and where can I get one for my mom?” was irrelevant to the purpose of the meeting. Even more expressed outrage at the podium’s price tag with an Amish Times reporter claiming he could get one for half the cost in oak. Others were even, even more disgusted by our reporter’s follow-up question, “Can you guess what number I’m thinking of right now?”

Boardman released a statement saying the press corps was sanctimonious in their criticism and that our reporter’s questions was in the interest of the public’s right to know about pressing issues of the day. Also it helped us get a sweet deal on a podium.

Next week, a Skype seat will be held by little Janie Wills who puts out The Forestville Cat Newspaper to her friends in kindergarten. She is expected to ask if the president likes cats and if so, how much.

And the following week, it will be The Bristol Press’s turn to hold a Skype seat. Press reporter Jane Zachary Jones is expected to ask the president’s opinion of Cortland Hull.