Bond Girls Join #MeToo Movement

February 15, 2018

Several women who played objects of affection in James Bond films are now suing on behalf of their characters, alleging sexual harassment and worse by 007. Lawyer for the characters, Gloria Allred said, “Look at poor Mary Goodnight. She was pressured into sex with Bond because she didn’t want to lose her job at MI6 while Scaramanga ran free, developing a powerful energy weapon.”

She also cited Bond’s offensive use of double entendres. “When Plenty O’Toole introduces herself, Bond says, ‘Named after your father perhaps.’ Who finds that funny?” asked Allred. “Imagine the trauma she felt from that remark before she made love to Bond and got murdered by SPECTRE.”

A spokesman for SPECTRE confirmed they were not named in the lawsuit, but did state that “Consistent with EEOC policies, we strive to kill in a gender-neutral manner and actively encourage young women to get involved in terrorism, revenge and extortion.”

The suit was praised by Anne Klelander, head of the Organization for Attractively Challenged Women or OACW for short. “It’s time beautiful women stopped enjoying being adored. But this is only a first step. Next we demand Baywatch women swim in voluminous dresses, Lara Croft wear comfortable clothing and X-Men’s Mystique wear any clothing.”

There was no comment from John Verlander, head of the Organization for People Who Don’t Know How to Form Acronyms or WGTMNODLKXZ for short.

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Book Review: An American Budget

February 13, 2018

An American Budget (Trump’s 2019 Budget) written by Trump with Mick Mulvaney was released yesterday, and it was a bore and a challenge to read. It lacked a plot, character development and droned on and on regarding expenditures and revenues while lacking a moral compass.

For example, the book proposes to make cuts to student loan subsidies, reduce pension benefits for federal workers and cut food stamps while increasing spending for the military. Alas, the boots on the ground will never see any of that money, so who do your root for and identify with there?

At only 160 pages the prose gets bogged down with charts, gimmickry and unrealistic fiscal assumptions; thus spiraling the plot out of control and rendering it a work of fiction.

Trump, it is said, never wanted to be president so he probably did not want to write An American Budget either and it shows.

However Mick Mulvaney, Director of the Office of Management and Budget, who never smiles and wears glasses, must take responsibility for this fiasco because it is his creation.

This work is neither comprehensive nor thought-provoking, and leaves the reader feeling unfulfilled. One suspects this is what the author(s) were going for all along. If this is the answer to Michael Wolff’s Fire and Fury, it is a poor rebuttal.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR(S)

Trump resides in Washington D.C. and has no pets.

Mick Mulvaney was born in 1967 and is a mean person.

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Why New Britain Mayor Erin Stewart Always Smiles is Finally Revealed!

February 2, 2018

Erin Stewart became mayor of New Britain at the age of 26 in 2013, and was reelected in 2015 and 2017 as well.

Prior to becoming mayor, Erin was a campaign staffer for former Congresswoman Nancy Jonson, and was a legislative aide in the Connecticut General Assembly.

These are some of the reasons she is always smiling, but others say it is because of her new BankAmericard® Credit Card!

The BankAmericard® Credit Card is the top-ranked balance transfer card, and a great choice for anyone looking to save on balance transfer fees and interest charges, especially if you live in New Britain or Forestville, which is so awesome!

But that is not the only reason for Erin’s ear to ear smile.

The 30 year old New Britain mayor is a fiscally conservative Republican who is also pro choice and supports responsible gun ownership, and the civil rights of everybody, which brings a smile to her face day in and day out. However, another reason Erin Stewart is always smiling is because the GOVERNMENT WILL PAY YOUR MORTAGE IF YOU BORN BEFORE 1984!

That’s right people the Federal Government, yes THE federal government, has introduced a brilliant homeowner program called Home Affordable Refinance Plan (HARP), which benefits millions of Americans; if you believe everything you read on the internet is true! By enrolling in this program homeowners can reduce their monthly mortgage payments by a ton.

You may find it hard to believe, but this is not the only reason Erin is constantly smiling. No, no.

During her tenure as mayor, Erin Stewart cut the city of New Britain’s deficit with spending cuts and eliminating jobs and the results were four bond-rating upgrades from Standard & Poor’s.

And while that brought a smile to her face, Erin Stewart was REALLY smiling when she learned Michigan Treasure Hunters unearthed dirt in their quest to find a 220 year old treasure!

Erin is tickled with delight that Rick and Marty Lagina are from Kingsford, Michigan, and that every summer they spend millions of dollars in Novia Scotia to find undiscovered dirt buried deep below the surface of the earth.

So, at long last Erin Stewart’s secret is revealed, which is another reason she is always smiling because…

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New England Patriots Win Conference Championship

January 23, 2018


Special to Boardman

Last Sunday, the New England Patriots won the Conference Championship.

April Ryan, Lorenzo Burgio, Eugene Robinson, Kathy Chu, Ben Bradlee Jr., Mike Barnicle, Joseph Rago, Hamed Aleaziz, Don Stacom, Barbara Demick, Robert Lipsyte, Kirsten Powers, Thomas Friedman, Carl Bernstein, Michael Rezendes, Paul Krugman, Susan Slusser, Seymour Hersh, David J. Frum, Pete Hamill, Katy Tur, Maggie Haberman, Sacha Pfeiffer, and Edward Clarkin contributed to this story.

Correction: The original version of this report omitted a comma. Boardman regrets the omission.


Trump Now says Pink Floyd Will Pay for the Wall

January 22, 2018

Beginning in 2015 and ever since, Trump has stated over and over that Mexico would pay for the wall he wants to build along the southern border of the United States. However, in yet another stunning reversal, Trump has abandoned the idea of making Mexico pay for the construction costs and instead, he now wants the English rock band Pink Floyd to pay for the wall.

Speaking at a fundraiser Thursday night Trump pledged to the crowd, “I will build a tremendous wall. It will be a great, great wall and I will make Pink Floyd pay for that wall. They don’t know it yet but they will pay for it. Believe me.”

Pink Floyd released their 11th studio album entitled The Wall in 1979, and to date it has sold 17 million copies worldwide.

White House officials say Trump listened to The Wall, and after speaking with advisors and having the concept album explained to him several times he wants The Floyd to pay for his proposed wall. “Drugs have been pouring into this country for a long time, and they (Pink Floyd) consumed a lot of those drugs so they should pay for the wall with their royalties,” Trump pledged Thursday from a gold lectern created in his image.

No word if Roger Waters, David Gilmour et al were notified of Trump’s recent policy change.

Meanwhile Mike Pence continues to nod adoringly at Trump, and Rachel Maddow continues to laugh at almost everything she says during her broadcast.

The Forestville Fire Department had no comment about this story.


All Clear Issued for Bristol and Forestville

January 19, 2018

On the heels of two other false alarms came a third, this time in Bristol. A city hall employee accidentally pressed a button that sent out a maroon alert to all residents who subscribe to the service. The maroon alert ordinance established a warning system to alert residents of incoming people from Southington.

The false alarm led to many city employees and residents to take cover and hospital employees to hide under patient beds. Some abandoned cars to seek shelter, while others abandoned video games resulting in an entire “Call of Duty” team to be wiped out and a digital town to be taken over by the Nazis.

The all clear was issued through radio, text messages to cell phones and maroon alert greeting cards. Still to be notified is interim ESPN president George Bodenheimer who locked himself in a bunker with Colin Kaepernick.

A spokesman for the mayor who declined to be identified said, “We regret this error and in response, the person responsible has been given a raise. At least, we don’t have to hear from Colin Kaepernick for awhile.”

Recently, errant false alarms concerning missile attacks on Hawaii and Japan respectively by a state employee and a Japanese broadcaster revealed a need for citizens to undergo false alarm preparedness training. An expensive audit of the problem in Hawaii revealed firstly, that people must know how to better fake responses to such alarms and secondly, that they should do a longer and costlier audit.

“We should learn the lessons Hawaii is paying for to not cause unnecessary worry about Southington,” the spokesman continued. “We must only scare and terrorize the public when there is an authentic threat of people from that s***hole city.”


Schools Closed Today Parents Still Outraged

January 17, 2018

Bristol and Forestville schools are closed today due to a winter storm that is expected to drop 4-7 inches of snow.

The Board of Education made the decision to cancel school Tuesday evening. However, for some parents that was too late. “They knew ten days ago about this storm so they should have canceled then,” said one mother named Marla Walley, who asked not to be identified. “Waiting until the night before the storm is ridiculous! It could have and should have been done last week.”

Parents also complained that the accumulations are not expected to be substantial and blamed the BOE. “Four to seven inches is a waste of everybody’s time. If the Board of Ed wants the day off then they should have a real snowstorm. The Board of Education can’t get anything right,” remarked Rosa Martinez, a parent.

Others were livid with the Public Works Department because their road was not the first to be plowed. “This is ridiculous. I live on a fault line so my street should be plowed first,” remarked Mark Hannah. “If there is an earthquake during the storm how will first responders help me if my road is not plowed?”

Forestville resident Omar Hassan saw it differently. “I live on a very important secondary road so it should be plowed well before everyone else. No it is not near the hospital and no it is not a state road, but it is an essential neighborhood road that is used as a cut through.”

In a related story. Bristol Talks is complaining again…….