Ariana Grande Will Still Release New Album Despite Local Resident Breaking Favorite Pencil

August 9, 2018

Only days after Ariana Grande announced her new album Sweetener will be released August 17th, a Forestville Village resident, who wished not to be identified and so as to not offend anyone’s delicate sensibilities we have changed his name to “Alan Boardman”, sharpened his Eberhard Faber Number Two pencil and was not harmed, according to those familiar with the incident.

Eyewitnesses say that on the day in question, “Alan Boardman” broke his famed number 2 pencil while writing a series of journal entries. The vintage pencil, used to write many random musings, was brought back to a quick point without incident and “Alan Boardman” resumed writing. The crisis lasted almost a full minute. Sources close to “Alan Boardman” say the pencil broke because it was previously over sharpened, a charge “Alan Boardman” denied.

A spokesperson for Ariana Grande said despite the pencil mishap Ms. Grande’s album will be released as scheduled.

“Alan Boardman” could not be reached for comment.

Residents of Forestville and Bristol are reminded to take the necessary precautions during these over obsessive times to not over sharpen their pencils.

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Review of the July 2018 City Council Meeting

July 12, 2018

Alan Boardman remains dead but his condition is improving. As a result, The Mole reviewed the July 2018 Bristol City Council meeting proceedings from Tuesday and those observations follow.

All times are made up because The Mole’s wrist watch does not work.

7:02
We start with the Pledge of Allegiance. Nothing wrong with that but can we change it up once in a while and do the Alphabet Song instead? From the looks of the crowd though there are some people here that probably don’t know the lyrics. Scratch that idea.

7:18
I am bored. Why can’t we have a barbeque during the meeting and turn this joint into a smokehouse? It would not be that difficult. The way I hear it Councilman Dave Mills makes a mean Cornish Game Hen with wild rice and mashed potatoes. Mr. Mills wraps it in bacon with a butter mixture that is absolutely to die for. All this while he diagrams football plays too.

The mayor can bring her Federal Hill famous baked beans. She uses pinto beans (sans the baked beans) with sautéed onions, peppers and a dash of rosemary to get that Smokey taste. Mmm-mmm.

Mary Fortier can show up with her infamous store-bought cole slaw.

Who can we get for the brisket? Does Councilman Greg Hahn cook? Probably not because he is a musician so he is only good for the booze. Get this man access to bourbon, lemon, vermouth, and ginger beer NOW and we can get this thing going!

7:25ish
Did the mayor just say quixotic? What does that even mean? My God I have to waste my time looking this shit up. Yeah, I swore because Boardman is dead and cannot edit me.

According to an online dictionary:

Adjective

1. exceedingly idealistic; unrealistic and impractical.

Yeah it fits these proceedings

Did this woman swallow a dictionary as a kid?

7:35ish
Property transactions. Oh sweet Jesus this is going to take forever. Councilman Preleski enjoys this way too much. Alas, I am headed to Dunkin for an Iced Coffee.

7:47ish.
I am back and Preleski is still going. Yap, yap, yap. My God! Peter Kelley with an e has the look of a man that is in need of a cyanide capsule.

7 something or other
Can we give the ball to Josh Medeiros? The guy is running up and down the court and playing solid D, but he ain’t getting no touches. He is not Pistol Pete Maravich with a dazzling array of behind the back passes, but he can dish and swish, especially from the left side of the circle.

It might be near 8PM
Quiet night for Mary and Greg. Other than seconding and making a motion to make a motion they are laying low. Have they become monks and taken a vow of silence? Let’s see…are they wearing robes? If the two idiots in front of me would-nope no robes. That sucks!

7:50
Other than the guy next to me waking up, what would happen right now if I were to yell Bingo!?

Time Unknown
Dave Preleski is the acting mayor for the next four months? Ay dios mio! Anyone have him in the Acting Mayor Pool? Please bring back Mary because I liked her tenure as acting mayor.

8:00 maybe
New Business is up followed by Old Business. Why can’t we have Nobody’s Business? Oh wait I spoke too soon. Apparently, they are going into “Executive Session” in a minute. Oh boy secret time! Shh.

Sometime after 8:00
Most of the gallery left so this is boring and deathly quiet. Those that remain have their faces stuck in their phones.

Should I make small talk with someone? Maybe this is an opportunity to get to know people that I do not know nor share my political opinions or life experiences. Perhaps by doing so new worthwhile relationships will be forged, and we can engage in dialogue and understanding. Who knows that could lead to lasting friendships thus making Bristol a truly “All Heart” type of community!

Are you kidding me? No way! The Sox are playing Texas and the Yanks are in Baltimore. I need scores and I need them now people.

Time Unknown
I am leaving as I am supposed to meet someone for coffee. Nothing will come of that silly secret meeting anyway. However, if by chance there is breaking news, the local media is here providing gavel to gavel coverage so we will definitely read about it first thing in the morning with a big giant headline!

The Mole


Is Russia Investigation Winding Down Or Will Red Sox Regret Trading Roenis Elias?

May 4, 2018

A list of questions Special Counsel Robert Mueller wants to ask the president was leaked all over the press this week. Wetted critics point out that although the counsel is charged with investigating Russian meddling in the 2016 election, none of the questions deal with it. Instead they center on the president’s feelings about topics like James Comey, Michael Flynn, sunsets and Green Day.

His questions include “What was your reaction to news reports on Jan. 12, 2017, and Feb. 8-9, 2017?”, “What flavor of ice cream do you like and why?”, “How does my hair look?” and “Is there life after death?” Many conservative pundits worry the latter question is a perjury trap. Still, Trump may grant an interview request on condition that Kanye West be allowed to translate his answers into a rap.

Ex-FBI head Comey chimed in while assembling an altar to himself. While Trump didn’t “collude” with Russia, Comey suspects he was “in cahoots.” He bases it on an FBI memo that he did not leak but slipped to the press in a non-FBI sanctioned manner.

Republicans complain that Mueller has yet to interview any of the Russians or Democrats his offices alleges are involved. Even the Russian lawyer who met Donald Trump Jr. was upset. Said Natalia Veselnitskaya, “I demand to be investigated, so I get big American tell-all book.”

To date, Mueller has charged 13 Russians for internet fraud, Paul Manafort for improperly declaring income prior to 2015, and several others for inaccurately stating how much money they saved on car insurance with GEICO.

A CNN panel of 72 analysts and a malamute think Mueller’s list shows he is running out of things to investigate. “You have to remember,” said the panelist with the loudest voice, “it comes after an e-mail he sent begging Trump staffers to turn themselves in for a crime, any crime, even mailing letters without sufficient postage.”

The dog added, “Ruh. Ruh. Ruh.”


Bristol Blues Announce 2018 Promotional Dates

March 22, 2018

Yesterday, the Bristol Blues announced their promotional schedule for the 2018 season, which features several unique gimmicks to entice fans to the ballpark. A quick review shows last year’s much hated “Prohibition Night” was annexed, which will make fans and beer venders happy.

Below is a partial list of the 2018 promotion dates. Additional dates could be added and will be reported here should they become available.

Friday June 8, Political Correctness Night

The Blues kick off their promotional events with Political Correctness Night! It will be a night of baseball, fun and neutral words.

For example, the first baseman will be referred to as the first base person. Likewise, for the second base person and the third base person too.

Errors will not be recorded in the scorebook and instead they will be referred to as a “Deficiency Achievement”.

The “batboy’ will be known as the bat retrieval person.

Booing or rather “alternate cheering” will not be allowed.

All players and fans alike will receive participation trophies at the conclusion of the game.

Saturday June 23, Doomsday Prepper Night

When the world comes to an end why not be prepared? As a result, the first 100 fans to buy soda will receive a Bristol Blues Doomsday Prepper Bug Out Bag!

Each bug out bag includes a hand crank radio, MRE’s, a colorful gas mask, powdered water, 2 Potassium Iodide Tablets and a Bristol Blues Foam Finger.

Saturday July 7, Non-disclosure Agreement Night

All fans attending the game must sign a Non-disclosure agreement (NDA). Fans can watch the game and enjoy the game, but with the NDA in place they are strictly prohibited from discussing or disseminating any information about the game unless they receive written consent of the Bristol Blues, the FCBL or Major League Baseball.

Saturday July 21, TSA Pat-down Night

That’s right every fan over the age of 21 coming through the gates will be subjected to an “enhanced” TSA Pat-down like they are on a government watch list. The civil liberties and legal groping issues will take place at all entrances and food and souvenir lines as well.

Questions like “Can you do that again?” or “What are you doing later” will not be viewed as “funny.”

Attendance is expected to be well below average for the evening.

Friday July 27, Second Amendment Night

Join the Blues Friday July 27th at Second Amendment Night! Every fan over the age of 18 will receive a copy of the Second Amendment courtesy of the Bristol Gun Club. It is all there, “A well regulated Militia,” blah, blah, blah. You know the words. Well, at least the first part anyway.

Also, included is Federalist No. 46, a metal ammo case and some thoughts and prayers too just in case.

The Bristol Blues are a member of the Futures Collegiate Baseball League of New England and play at Muzzy Field.

That’s it I am done.


Another Nor’Easter Coming to Forestville But First…

March 21, 2018

A Winter Storm Warning is in effect for the village of Forestville today as a nor’easter is bearing down on the ville. This is the first nor’easter since the last the last nor’easter. How much snow is expected? We will let you know right after this message from the State of Connecticut Tourism Division.

Are you considering a move? Then consider the state of Connecticut!

The state of Connecticut has a great moderate climate, four seasons and plenty of hills, all complimentary.

Sure, other states my brag about highway projects that finish within one generation, lower gasoline taxes, and less regulation, but Connecticut is the only state that has four different vowels and four syllables. So, while other states may have better schools, reduced liability costs, and lower taxes. And while other states may have shorter names, the state of Connecticut offers you a great view of trees! Did you know the leaves change color in the fall too?

So, come to Connecticut. We are half-way between Boston and New York City!

A major nor’easter has its sights set on Forestville and Bristol so a Winter Storm Warning is in effect for Forestville and Bristol for Wednesday and into early Thursday.

Satellite images show a weather event will happen today and result in a significant accumulation of snow so roads will have to be plowed. We will let you know which roads will be plowed, and how much snow is expected right after this.

You’ve just had a hard day at work and now it’s time to unwind.

Why not crack open a can of Schlock Beer?

Schlock Beer; No flavor, no taste, just schlock. Because sometimes you just want to get drunk and you don’t care how!

In case you missed it: A massive winter storm is headed east so the National Weather Service has issued a Winter Storm Warning for the entire village of Forestville, Bristol and the state of Connecticut!

Snow is expected to fall from the sky and land on the ground resulting in the roads having to be plowed with driveways, and sidewalks to be shoveled too.

The wind will be from the east and then the northwest, but later from the south and then the north. The causes of wind, which roads are to be plowed and how much snow is expected are coming up. But first this:

You haven’t been able to sleep for weeks and you’re tired.

You’ve tried everything but nothing seems to work. Well now there is hope, hope in the form of a little tablet called, Coma.

Coma, the sleep tablet, provides a state of deep, prolonged unconsciousness.

Contrary to common belief Coma is not a poison.

And, while it’s not an “illegal” drug it should not be used by women that are pregnant, lactating mothers or people that are not mentally fit.

Coma, the sleep tablet, is a long-term sleep solution resulting in excessive sedation, amnesia and brain activity that could be considered “unreliable”.

60 million Americans suffer from a sleep disorder, why should you be one of them?

Think Coma, a long term medical answer to a short-term medical problem.

To recap, a snowstorm of biblical proportions will batter the entire village of Forestville, Bristol, the state of Connecticut and New England Wednesday, Thursday and maybe forever!

This storm will result in massive power outages, death, general chaos and the region being wiped from the map!

What cities and towns will no longer exist? Who will lose power? Who will die? What roads will be plowed? What does snow look like and how much snow is expected and when are still to come. Plus, traffic and a funny cat story but first these words from…


News On The Go

March 8, 2018

New York Times Reports Gary Cohn Out
After claiming for the last fourteen months that economic advisor Gary Cohn was about to leave the White House, Mr. Cohn announced his resignation. Having finally got the story right, the Times next plans to claim that Christmas is about to happen tomorrow.

Hatch Act Dissed
Trump advisor Kellyanne Conway was accused by the Office of Special Counsel of violating the Hatch Act, the first person so charged since President Obama’s HUD secretary in 2016. The Hatch Act bans members of the White House from breeding poultry in the West Wing.

The Special Counsel is expected to formally present his proclamation to the president accompanied by the Office of Special Guards while wearing his sash, fur robe and gold crown.

White House Takes Aim Against Flying Doohickeys
The Department of Homeland Security is working on a bill to regulate hostile drones. The bill targets anyone who speaks in public for prolonged periods of time in a dull or grating monotone. Critics worry this will decimate the staff at NPR.

Moon Calls
German carrier Vodaphone announced they would provide 4G network connectivity on the Moon. However, many popular calling plans would not be available, such as “Geh irgendwohin” and “Freunde und Familie.” Vodaphone received a congratulatory call on their project from Angela Merkel of the future. There, she serves her 100th consecutive term as German chancellor and made the call from a phone embedded in her cybernetic shoulders.

The News for Astronauts
The FAA passed a rule making it illegal for astronauts to text while flying. Texting incidents resulted in zero accidents so far in 2017. Acting FAA administrator Daniel Elwell stressed, “We can do better than that.”

If you have a lead on someone who actually watched the Oscars, call Boardman’s tipline. All calls are confidential, more or less. Surcharges may apply. You may also be signed up for a Shave Club membership.


Bond Girls Join #MeToo Movement

February 15, 2018

Several women who played objects of affection in James Bond films are now suing on behalf of their characters, alleging sexual harassment and worse by 007. Lawyer for the characters, Gloria Allred said, “Look at poor Mary Goodnight. She was pressured into sex with Bond because she didn’t want to lose her job at MI6 while Scaramanga ran free, developing a powerful energy weapon.”

She also cited Bond’s offensive use of double entendres. “When Plenty O’Toole introduces herself, Bond says, ‘Named after your father perhaps.’ Who finds that funny?” asked Allred. “Imagine the trauma she felt from that remark before she made love to Bond and got murdered by SPECTRE.”

A spokesman for SPECTRE confirmed they were not named in the lawsuit, but did state that “Consistent with EEOC policies, we strive to kill in a gender-neutral manner and actively encourage young women to get involved in terrorism, revenge and extortion.”

The suit was praised by Anne Klelander, head of the Organization for Attractively Challenged Women or OACW for short. “It’s time beautiful women stopped enjoying being adored. But this is only a first step. Next we demand Baywatch women swim in voluminous dresses, Lara Croft wear comfortable clothing and X-Men’s Mystique wear any clothing.”

There was no comment from John Verlander, head of the Organization for People Who Don’t Know How to Form Acronyms or WGTMNODLKXZ for short.