MBS Building Committee Breaks Up Due to Creative Differences

April 8, 2018

Yesterday, the Memorial Boulevard School (MBS) Building Committee announced they are breaking up due to infighting and creative differences.

Formed in 2015, the building committee had a meteoric rise as MBSmania gripped the community and residents embraced their work.

A series of films were released to capitalize on their popularity: A Hard Day’s MBS and All You Need is MBS.

Consequently, an over confident chairman remarked to the Bristol Press in 2016, “We are more popular than the Planning Commission.”

The statement sparked outrage among Bristol Republicans so they burned their MBS memorabilia, and urged Bristol schools to ban books about MBS from being read in classrooms.

That same year rumors swirled that committee member Limping Larry died in a breathing accident and was replaced with a look-a-like.

Appearing on the Bristol Beat, an online radio station at the time, in the summer of 2017 and having been around petroleum products all day, lead conspiracy theorist Myron Goldberg stated, “There are no photos of the committee and the name of Forestville resident Limping Larry appears nowhere on their webpage or their minutes? Why?” Sipping from a cup of antifreeze he continued, “If you read the committee minutes backwards and then read them forwards there are clues suggesting Limping Larry is deceased, but there are no clues suggesting he is dead. How can that be?

Following Mr. Goldberg’s appearance, Limping Larry is Dead began trending for almost an entire minute.

The committee was soon beset with internal problems.

The summer of 2017 MBS members and their families visited India to meditate with the Maharishi, but returned almost immediately because there was no Starbucks, and they discovered the Maharishi died in 2008.

The Maharishi

During the final days of the 2017 municipal election and as the MBS project became a campaign issue, two members of the committee staged a Bed-in called “Give MBS a Chance.”

The bed-in was beset with problems from the onset because one member wanted a Bob-o-pedic mattress while the other wanted a Craftmatic adjustable bed, and there were issues with the pillows.

Last month they surprised everyone by holding their monthly meeting on the roof of city hall in what can only be called a desperate last gasp. The meeting was taped by Nutmeg TV for a movie to be called Let Us Be.

Based on these issues and several other factors their breakup was announced early Saturday.

City councilors will wear black armbands at Tuesday’s council meeting, and the City of Bristol’s flag will fly at half-staff during lunch Monday.

Sebastian Goo contributed nothing to this story.

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Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow

March 28, 2018

Since local government changed hands in early November, Bristol Republicans have conjured conspiracy after conspiracy against the new mayor Ellen Zoppo-Sassu and the Democrats.

There was the BOE deficit, health care for two, Charter Revision Committee-gate, MBS for God knows what this week, and the fire department schedule change just to name a few to keep this under 426 words. Once regarded as practical and astute the republicans have become the party du jour for the tin foil hat crowd leaving many to wonder, what happened to them?

So in an effort to find out, late last week on a cold and stormy night, Boardman was taken to a secret meeting in Tory Den; a rock formation in the foothills of the Bristol and Burlington border where citizens that were loyal to the British crown once hid.

With the next council meeting only a few weeks away, Bristol Republicans gathered here to cook up their newest conspiracy.

Three republican witches huddled in the dark cavern over a great boiling cauldron, and begin to create their brew. With the eye of a newt and the toe of a frog deposited into the grand broth, the republicans chant, “Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and caldron bubble.”

The first witch leans over the kettle and speaks,
“I doth not like her I must confess,
So we must tarnish any success.”

The second witch comes forth and following a clap of thunder announces,
“Round about the cauldron go,
In the fire department work schedule I shall throw.”

Ashes emanate from the scalding cauldron into the frosty night air.

The third witch, addressing the bubbling cauldron, and stirring the brew howls,
“By the pricking of my thumbs
Something wicked this way comes.
Write some editorials,
That are accusatorial.”

The midnight hags retreat and the assembly marvels at their good fortune. But what does it mean and what does it matter?

Alas from from the rabble emerged the jester adorned in orange breeches, orange tights, orange jester shoes and an orange petticoat; with a tin foil hat like a fool’s cap, and a stick he found in the forest.

Clearing his throat the jester delivers his soliloquy.

“To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.”


That’s All Folks

November 11, 2017

On a cold rainy night, crowds numbering in the hundreds, gathered throughout Bristol and Forestville to celebrate that the election was finally over. When the news broke a raucous cheer went up and could be heard from Forestville to Witches Rock and over to Chippens Hill.

The celebrations in Forestville were started by unregistered voters and began just after 8PM Tuesday night, and continued into Wednesday.

Roberta Jones, an attendant at Mr. Bubbles Car Wash, was in disbelief. Trembling and with tears filling her eyes, she asked, “Oh my gosh it’s over? It’s really, really over?” Her friend Wendy fell to her knees and cried, “Thank you baby Jesus!”

A woman named Mitzi Danforth, residing on Redstone Hill Road in an earth colored ranch featuring an electric garage door opener and a finished basement, requested her identity not be revealed was thrilled too, “No more phone calls! No mailers! No more drama!”, she roared.

And Councilman Dave Preleski, like the Crying-Indian in the Keep America Beautiful commercials, shed a single tear and solemnly said, “I don’t have to censure anyone anymore.”

Downtown, a massive crowd assembled along Memorial Boulevard blocking many side streets. Police on horseback cleared the area so the celebration could continue. One man wore a brightly colored Fuck Voting! sweatshirt. It fittingly captured the mood and the moment.

Federal Hill saw its fair share of celebrations too with music and dancing, but the mood was sullied when the revelers realized there is another election in just twelve months.


Questions for the Candidates

August 31, 2017

As November 7th approaches there are critical issues facing the Village of Forestville. Apparently the candidates for mayor will not debate so here are some questions voters should be asking when they knock on your door:

1). City Hall

The hysterics and drama of City Council have supplied the local press with many lengthy articles.  What would you as mayor do to preserve this valuable resource for yellow journalism?

2). Route 6 Construction

What troubles you most about Route 6 construction?  The large influx of people from Plainville who will flood the city after it is finished, or the traffic delays caused by road detours and shirtless construction men?

3). City Hall and Memorial Boulevard School

You say that the city should examine the possibility of moving City Hall to Memorial Boulevard School.  But can you tell us how you plan to do that, considering that City Hall weighs over 20,000 tons? 

4). Günter Nimtz

Critics say you are afraid to take on tough issues.  They point to the fact that when Günter Nimtz claimed to violate relativity by transmitting photons faster than the speed of light, you were absolutely silent.

If you are elected mayor, can voters be assured you will tackle other hard issues that affect Bristol.  Issues like school menu choice, whether music is defined by duration and environmental context or content, and the inconsistency of material implication with conditional logic.

5). Irrelevant topic and education

Bristol has a sister city in Greece and one in North Korea.  What would you do to invigorate a study-abroad program so that Bristol students can learn in schools in Greece as well as in one of North Korea’s prestigious prisons?

Boardman


Previewing the Candidates of District 2

August 24, 2017

Boardman, throughout the election season, will breakdown the city council races. Today District 2 is previewed, which includes the West End and Chippens Hill.

Overview

The demographics in Bristol’s second district are a mixed bag. Consequently, what do you get when you mix Bristol’s oldest and grittiest section with Bristol’s newest and wealthiest section? Lukewarm voter turnout.

Jodi Zils-Gagne (R)
Jodi Zils-Gagne is seeking reelection. She is Bristol’s most approachable, enthusiastic and happiest city councilor, and there is reason to be.

Earlier this year her Good Will initiative was approved. The initiative allowed police officers in the West End to award gift cards to citizens engaging in positive acts or deeds.

However, voters were disappointed that she did not include Get out of Jail Free cards as part of her Good Will Initiative. Will voters hold it against her?

Andrew Howe (R)
Mr. Howe wants to keep moving Bristol in the right direction; at least that is what his campaign literature says. What direction that is no one seems to know including the candidate.

A first time candidate with no political experience he represents the everyday person; he is a faithful lieutenant to the mayor, and a big advocate of the referendum. In particular he would like to put the MBS project out to referendum “so the people can decide.”

But some are wondering why he did not put his candidacy out to referendum so the voters could decide if he should even bother seeking office.

He also speaks of being transparent. However the letter e in his last name is silent.
Why is the e silent? Is he hiding something? Should the police be called?

David Preleski (D)
An Attorney at law with a BS degree in finance and economics from CCSU and an MBA in finance and economics from the University of Hartford. He wears glasses, is the voice of reason on the city council and the women of Chippens Hill and the West End go “ooh-la-la” when he wears his patented blue dress shirts. It says as much on his business cards.

Unless you don’t like his blue shirts or his glasses, there is no reason not to vote for him.

Peter Kelley (with an e) (D)
What can you say about Peter Kelley (with an e)? Well, a Google search for the name “Peter Kelley (with an e)” turns up a great deal of information about “Peter Kelley” (with an e).

He is an animator with Industrial Light & Magic, VP American Wind Energy Association, Assistant Professor of Finance at the University of Notre Dame, Contributor to The World Economic Forum, Chef and a graduate of the University of Arizona, Texas Tech, and Stamford.

His wives Kim, Rica, D. Anne, Valerie, Roisin, Barbara, Susan and Lorraine all think he is a great guy.

And, amazingly, according to Geni.com, Peter Kelley (with an e) died in 1853, 1911, 1914, 1930, 1998, 2004, 2011 and twice in 2017.

The election is Tuesday November 7, 2017. Stay semi-informed with Alan Boardman’s semi-comprehensive and semi-accurate election coverage.

This sentence was written on a dare.

END


Mayor and City Council to Use Ouija Board to Make Critical Decisions

May 8, 2017

The Mayor and City Councilors in a unanimous vote last week approved the use of a Ouija Board to help them make pivotal decisions regarding the City of Bristol.

City leaders will use the Ouija Board for guidance while the Cone of Decision is being repaired by Public Works due to overuse during the fall and winter seasons.

The Finance Department thwarted their initial plans for a crystal ball because at $29.95 it was considered a budget buster. However, city officials discovered Mayor Stewart in New Britain used a Ouija Board to seek advice on how to replace the Rock Cats when they moved to Hartford. As a result Bristol has now partnered with New Britain to share the Ouija Board in a shared services program. The head of finance wanted to put the “board game” issue out to referendum but that request was denied.

Sitting in a circle in the Chamber of Seclusion, the Mayor and City Councilors will use the the game board to solicit input from Bristol’s forefathers regarding the former mall site, Memorial Boulevard School, teacher layoffs, Route 6, the mill rate, and a multitude of other topics which are so extraordinary complex they require the counsel and wisdom of dead people.

It is expected that they will begin using it immediately or sooner if possible.

The Ouija Board was not available for comment.


City Planning Gala to Celebrate MBS Still Being Closed

April 26, 2017

Later this year the City of Bristol will host a black-tie gala ball at Nuchie’s to celebrate 5 years of the Memorial Boulevard School being closed.

The mayor, along with city councilors, civic leaders and important people that no one has ever heard of, will celebrate the closing of the school, and the continued commitment to keep the landmark building, built in 1923, closed.

The MBS Gala will include cocktails, dinner, live music by the band Closed Casket and an auction of MBS memorabilia led by Christie’s Auction House of New York.  Noted memorabilia collector Bill Chatterton has donated MBS grout from his collection to the auction.  A silent auction will also be held and feature an autographed copy of the MBS Task Force Final Report signed by all the committee members. 

Former news reporter Tom Monahan will be the Master of Ceremonies. 

There will even be local tributes and renderings by the Art Squad. Among them is a beautifully painted traffic box of the historic and iconic building entitled Empty. Critics say the traffic box is truly an awe inspiring work of art and verification that there is a God.

The classically designed building closed in 2012.  The task force charged with developing a plan for the school put in 15 months of hard work, and recommended using the building as a community cultural and arts center. It was believed the undertaking would be part of a strategy to increase economic development and cultural growth.  Instead the Memorial Boulevard School remains dark, barren and empty and is now the latest attraction in an ever growing collection of empty buildings and vacant lots.