That’s All Folks

November 11, 2017

On a cold rainy night, crowds numbering in the hundreds, gathered throughout Bristol and Forestville to celebrate that the election was finally over. When the news broke a raucous cheer went up and could be heard from Forestville to Witches Rock and over to Chippens Hill.

The celebrations in Forestville were started by unregistered voters and began just after 8PM Tuesday night, and continued into Wednesday.

Roberta Jones, an attendant at Mr. Bubbles Car Wash, was in disbelief. Trembling and with tears filling her eyes, she asked, “Oh my gosh it’s over? It’s really, really over?” Her friend Wendy fell to her knees and cried, “Thank you baby Jesus!”

A woman named Mitzi Danforth, residing on Redstone Hill Road in an earth colored ranch featuring an electric garage door opener and a finished basement, requested her identity not be revealed was thrilled too, “No more phone calls! No mailers! No more drama!”, she roared.

And Councilman Dave Preleski, like the Crying-Indian in the Keep America Beautiful commercials, shed a single tear and solemnly said, “I don’t have to censure anyone anymore.”

Downtown, a massive crowd assembled along Memorial Boulevard blocking many side streets. Police on horseback cleared the area so the celebration could continue. One man wore a brightly colored Fuck Voting! sweatshirt. It fittingly captured the mood and the moment.

Federal Hill saw its fair share of celebrations too with music and dancing, but the mood was sullied when the revelers realized there is another election in just twelve months.

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Questions for the Candidates

August 31, 2017

As November 7th approaches there are critical issues facing the Village of Forestville. Apparently the candidates for mayor will not debate so here are some questions voters should be asking when they knock on your door:

1). City Hall

The hysterics and drama of City Council have supplied the local press with many lengthy articles.  What would you as mayor do to preserve this valuable resource for yellow journalism?

2). Route 6 Construction

What troubles you most about Route 6 construction?  The large influx of people from Plainville who will flood the city after it is finished, or the traffic delays caused by road detours and shirtless construction men?

3). City Hall and Memorial Boulevard School

You say that the city should examine the possibility of moving City Hall to Memorial Boulevard School.  But can you tell us how you plan to do that, considering that City Hall weighs over 20,000 tons? 

4). Günter Nimtz

Critics say you are afraid to take on tough issues.  They point to the fact that when Günter Nimtz claimed to violate relativity by transmitting photons faster than the speed of light, you were absolutely silent.

If you are elected mayor, can voters be assured you will tackle other hard issues that affect Bristol.  Issues like school menu choice, whether music is defined by duration and environmental context or content, and the inconsistency of material implication with conditional logic.

5). Irrelevant topic and education

Bristol has a sister city in Greece and one in North Korea.  What would you do to invigorate a study-abroad program so that Bristol students can learn in schools in Greece as well as in one of North Korea’s prestigious prisons?

Boardman


Previewing the Candidates of District 2

August 24, 2017

Boardman, throughout the election season, will breakdown the city council races. Today District 2 is previewed, which includes the West End and Chippens Hill.

Overview

The demographics in Bristol’s second district are a mixed bag. Consequently, what do you get when you mix Bristol’s oldest and grittiest section with Bristol’s newest and wealthiest section? Lukewarm voter turnout.

Jodi Zils-Gagne (R)
Jodi Zils-Gagne is seeking reelection. She is Bristol’s most approachable, enthusiastic and happiest city councilor, and there is reason to be.

Earlier this year her Good Will initiative was approved. The initiative allowed police officers in the West End to award gift cards to citizens engaging in positive acts or deeds.

However, voters were disappointed that she did not include Get out of Jail Free cards as part of her Good Will Initiative. Will voters hold it against her?

Andrew Howe (R)
Mr. Howe wants to keep moving Bristol in the right direction; at least that is what his campaign literature says. What direction that is no one seems to know including the candidate.

A first time candidate with no political experience he represents the everyday person; he is a faithful lieutenant to the mayor, and a big advocate of the referendum. In particular he would like to put the MBS project out to referendum “so the people can decide.”

But some are wondering why he did not put his candidacy out to referendum so the voters could decide if he should even bother seeking office.

He also speaks of being transparent. However the letter e in his last name is silent.
Why is the e silent? Is he hiding something? Should the police be called?

David Preleski (D)
An Attorney at law with a BS degree in finance and economics from CCSU and an MBA in finance and economics from the University of Hartford. He wears glasses, is the voice of reason on the city council and the women of Chippens Hill and the West End go “ooh-la-la” when he wears his patented blue dress shirts. It says as much on his business cards.

Unless you don’t like his blue shirts or his glasses, there is no reason not to vote for him.

Peter Kelley (with an e) (D)
What can you say about Peter Kelley (with an e)? Well, a Google search for the name “Peter Kelley (with an e)” turns up a great deal of information about “Peter Kelley” (with an e).

He is an animator with Industrial Light & Magic, VP American Wind Energy Association, Assistant Professor of Finance at the University of Notre Dame, Contributor to The World Economic Forum, Chef and a graduate of the University of Arizona, Texas Tech, and Stamford.

His wives Kim, Rica, D. Anne, Valerie, Roisin, Barbara, Susan and Lorraine all think he is a great guy.

And, amazingly, according to Geni.com, Peter Kelley (with an e) died in 1853, 1911, 1914, 1930, 1998, 2004, 2011 and twice in 2017.

The election is Tuesday November 7, 2017. Stay semi-informed with Alan Boardman’s semi-comprehensive and semi-accurate election coverage.

This sentence was written on a dare.

END


Mayor and City Council to Use Ouija Board to Make Critical Decisions

May 8, 2017

The Mayor and City Councilors in a unanimous vote last week approved the use of a Ouija Board to help them make pivotal decisions regarding the City of Bristol.

City leaders will use the Ouija Board for guidance while the Cone of Decision is being repaired by Public Works due to overuse during the fall and winter seasons.

The Finance Department thwarted their initial plans for a crystal ball because at $29.95 it was considered a budget buster. However, city officials discovered Mayor Stewart in New Britain used a Ouija Board to seek advice on how to replace the Rock Cats when they moved to Hartford. As a result Bristol has now partnered with New Britain to share the Ouija Board in a shared services program. The head of finance wanted to put the “board game” issue out to referendum but that request was denied.

Sitting in a circle in the Chamber of Seclusion, the Mayor and City Councilors will use the the game board to solicit input from Bristol’s forefathers regarding the former mall site, Memorial Boulevard School, teacher layoffs, Route 6, the mill rate, and a multitude of other topics which are so extraordinary complex they require the counsel and wisdom of dead people.

It is expected that they will begin using it immediately or sooner if possible.

The Ouija Board was not available for comment.


City Planning Gala to Celebrate MBS Still Being Closed

April 26, 2017

Later this year the City of Bristol will host a black-tie gala ball at Nuchie’s to celebrate 5 years of the Memorial Boulevard School being closed.

The mayor, along with city councilors, civic leaders and important people that no one has ever heard of, will celebrate the closing of the school, and the continued commitment to keep the landmark building, built in 1923, closed.

The MBS Gala will include cocktails, dinner, live music by the band Closed Casket and an auction of MBS memorabilia led by Christie’s Auction House of New York.  Noted memorabilia collector Bill Chatterton has donated MBS grout from his collection to the auction.  A silent auction will also be held and feature an autographed copy of the MBS Task Force Final Report signed by all the committee members. 

Former news reporter Tom Monahan will be the Master of Ceremonies. 

There will even be local tributes and renderings by the Art Squad. Among them is a beautifully painted traffic box of the historic and iconic building entitled Empty. Critics say the traffic box is truly an awe inspiring work of art and verification that there is a God.

The classically designed building closed in 2012.  The task force charged with developing a plan for the school put in 15 months of hard work, and recommended using the building as a community cultural and arts center. It was believed the undertaking would be part of a strategy to increase economic development and cultural growth.  Instead the Memorial Boulevard School remains dark, barren and empty and is now the latest attraction in an ever growing collection of empty buildings and vacant lots. 

 

 

 

 


Memorial Boulevard School to be Converted Into a Dunkin Donuts

December 12, 2016

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After years of discussion and debate by the community and city leaders, The Memorial Boulevard School Committee in a stunning decision is recommending to city officials that the former school and iconic building be converted into a Dunkin Donuts.

The building, which is 90,000 square feet, is currently vacant, but the proposed Super-Duper Dunkin Donuts, as it will be known, will take up the entire building and include a store gift shop, museum and the world’s largest drive thru, which will be the running track that goes around the property. It is expected to attract coffee drinkers to the Mum City on a daily basis in record amounts.

The donut company and coffeehouse has proven to be very popular in Bristol and Forestville with a least 10 establishments and more to come.

However, despite Dunkin Donuts local popularity, several City Council members expressed their concerns. “A Dunkin Donuts Gift Shop and Museum but no Dunkin Donuts Paint Bar, Yoga Studio or high-end senior housing?” asked council member Anthony D’Amato. “That’s ridiculous.”

Councilor Calvin Brown had issues as well, “Is this so called Super-Duper Dunkin Donuts going to expand the menu and offer Chicken Marsala, Bolognese sauce or Anguilles à la crème at affordable prices? Or are we stuck with donuts, mocha latté’s and sandwiches? I’ve got a lot of constituents to answer to.”

The Finance Department echoed Mr. Brown’s concerns regarding the menu selection and the pricing, and as a result issued the following statement. “It is this department’s belief that before anything is done Dunkin Donuts must publish their menu so it can be put out to referendum allowing the voters to decide what they want to eat and at what prices.”

No time table was established for converting the public building into a coffee and donut mecca.


City Hall Relocation Sticker Shock

December 11, 2016

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City officials recently heard proposals by the Public Works Department to either move City Hall offices to Memorial Boulevard School or renovate the existing building. The price tag is between $20 – 24 million; less if they share space with homeschooler Mrs. Thurman’s first-grade class.

Critics of the proposal were shocked by its cost and the prospect of having to use safety scissors and student chair desks for official business.

Forestville consulting firm Landry, Issel and Escalanté presented an alternative to City Councilors, the Board of Finance, the Memorial Boulevard School Committee, and Jerry the Security Guard.

The idea is to convert City Hall to a Tiny House on wheels. A Tiny House is between 100 and 400 square feet and it is mobile. “Why pay millions to renovate or move when we can have a Mobile City Hall for under $25,000?” the report asked.

The new City Hall?

The new City Hall?

The proposal is gaining traction especially among Councilors and Jerry the Security Guard. Proponents say that by using a tiny home for City Hall they can eliminate clutter, downsize staff, force collaboration, eliminate security concerns and City Hall can come to the taxpayers not the taxpayers to City Hall.