Breaking News: Local Man Has Headache

February 25, 2017

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Forestville resident Mitchell Luby complained of a constant but dull pain in his head Friday. Co-workers said the headache caused him to leave work early. Although the source or cause of the headache at this hour remains unknown it is not believed to be work related.

Mr. Luby’s status is listed as day to day. The Bristol Press and Bristol Observer are aware of this story but declined to file reports.

In an unrelated matter, a local writer was working on a new article for his blog yesterday and suddenly stopped writing in mid sentennce because h


UConn Fans Surprised by Coach Diaco’s Firing

December 29, 2016

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After compiling an impressive 11 and 29 record over the last three seasons, the University of Connecticut in a bold and controversial move fired their head football coach Bob Diaco Wednesday.

The decision to fire a coach with only three wins this year and a six game losing streak at the end of the season left many fans open mouthed. “Wow! I am completely shocked,” remarked Lidia Merkel. “This is a dark hour. I may need to take a leave of absence from my job.”

Pedro Tavares was caught off guard and disappointed because the team showed signs of improving, “They actually scored points in the last game so things were looking up.”

“My God is nothing sacred anymore?” asked Mitchell Luby when he heard the announcement on WTIC (1080 AM). “We had the worse offense in the nation and lost the last six games of the season by a combined score of 130-16. What kind of monster fires a guy with numbers like that?”


Snubgate

December 22, 2015
Snubgate!

Snubgate!

The mayor plans to meet with state legislators representing Forestville and Bristol to discuss state budget issues, but there is one notable exception, Representative Frank Nicastro, Democrat.

Earlier this year, Mr. Nicastro voted for the second largest tax increase in state history and as a result the mayor refused to invite him to the budget discussions. The mayor’s opposition was outraged over the “snub.”

Consequently, dozens of small fires erupted, numerous cars were overturned and public property was destroyed after democrats heard news of the “snub”, authorities said.

Police took to the streets in full riot gear and deployed three canisters of tear gas in front of the Forestville Social Club. Numerous registered democrats were heard to chant “F the Snub!” over and over. Police reported a handful of arrests were made.

Forestville Police take to the streets in riot gear

Forestville Police in riot gear

Shouldn’t the mayor as chief executive have the right to invite or not anyone he wants to his office for a meeting? If so, why the rumpus?

A review of town records shows a long list of people not invited to the mayor’s office dating back to the early 1900s due to their politics, ideology or whatever. The list includes captains of industry, scientists, activists, humanitarians, actors, politicians et al and includes:

Yuri Gagarin, Typhoid Mary, Hurricane Camille, J. Paul Getty, Louis B Mayer, Nelson Mandela, John Paul I, Indira Gandhi, Route 72, Salvador Dali, Pol Pat, Ho Chi Minh, Hirohito, Thurgood Marshall, Agatha Christie, Truman Capote, Dorothy Dandridge, Bonnie and Clyde, Annie Oakley, Robert Oppenheimer, Eva Peron, Che Guevara, Golda Meir, The Dalai Lama, Oprah, Annie Leibovitz, Toni Morrison, The Stanley Cup, Benjamin Netanyahu, Bill Boggs, Elon Musk, The Budweiser Frogs, Steve Harvey, Bjork, Ruth Bader Ginsberg, Bob Iger, Lorne Michaels, Gloria Allred, Neil deGrasse Tyson, Fiorello La Guardia, Dr. James Andrews, Konstantin Chernenko, The Symbionese Liberation Army, Patty Hearst, Tanya, Beyoncé, Meg Whitman, Anna Wintour, Zahi Hawass, and the United Nations Charter.

But wait there is more.

Kermit the Frog, The Class of 1985, Henrietta Hippo, Michio Kaku, Mitchell Luby, Angela Merkel, Tyra Banks, Led Zeppelin, Limping Larry, the Goodyear Blimp, Ron Howard’s brother, The California Raisins, Lassie, Yakov Smirnoff, The cast of Saved By The Bell, God, Wu Tang Clan, The USC Trojan Marching Band, Uncle Fester, Stinky Pete, Pope Francis, R2D2, Frodo, Mac Davis, Pablo Escobar, Shamoo the Wonder Pig, The New York Mercantile Exchange, A man dressed like a chicken, my Mom’s neighbor’s sister Susan, anyone named Clinton, Myth Busters, the Ancient Aliens Guy, Me, Insane Clown Posse, The Securities and Exchange Commission, The Phillie Phanatic, DB Cooper, and KISS impersonators.

Insane Clown Posse Banned by a Bristol Mayor

Insane Clown Posse Banned by a Bristol Mayor

The entire file, which clerks say is beyond voluminous, contains every individual banned, snubbed or not invited to any meeting with the mayor’s office dating back to the incorporation of the city. It is kept in a large room well below City Hall and is guarded like a fortress, 24 hours a day 365 days a year.

Workers complain that boxes show up by the truck load each and every day as the file grows and grows and grows.

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The files below City Hall


On the Air – Forestville’s Radio Station

November 15, 2015

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Forestville has a radio station!

WSTA, located on the FM frequency 1700.5 and with their studio in Forestville, began broadcasting after midnight this morning. According to employees, WSTA broadcasts all static all the time. From the Berkshires to the Sound they play Adult contemporary static to an audience frustrated by conventional terrestrial radio.

The morning commute starts with the wacky and zany antics of “Buzzy, The Whopper and the Big Guy.” They play double shots of static and provide Route 72 traffic updates on the eights.

Middays and afternoon drive is done by Bob Boils and the Midnight Toker handles the overnight.

In the coming months they will expand and add white noise and silence to their format, due to their growing popularity.

“The static we play is reflective of the community we serve,” said station manager Mitchell Luby in a press release.


Forestville Resident to Self-Publish a Book

May 3, 2014

Silas Minutia is going to publish a book about theoretical words. Theoretical words are words which are not real and only exist in theory.

The author is hoping that in the course of reading through the white boring pages with no illustrations, images or photos, readers will discover words that cannot be found in any dictionary. The book will be published in July and will be available in book stores.

This is going in to be a difficult read for some residents. Are you reading this Mitchell Luby?
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Mr. Bubbles Promotes Mitchell Luby

September 13, 2012
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Mr Bubbles car Wash promotes local resident

Mr. Bubbles Car Wash, the notorious car wash along East Main Street in Forestville, announced today the appointment of Mitchell Luby to Assistant Night Supervisor.

Mr. Luby joined Mr. Bubbles as just an assistant five years ago.  He received his GED in 2005 and has held various jobs in the community.  Occasionally Mr. Luby attends mass at Saint Matthew Church.

“We are fortunate to have someone like Mitch working for the company and I am pleased that he was promoted,” said his co-worker and friend Banana Bob.


Deavers’ 4th of July Celebration in Forestville

July 4, 2011

Deavers' 4th of July

Saturday was John and Barbara (Babs) Deavers annual 4th of July party.  The party had the usual assortment of cocktails, scrumptious hors d’oeuvres and an actual dinner menu! However, the highlight of the evening was not the food, or the Forestville Orchestra playing various patriotic songs, or the fashion show for charity or even the inspiring fireworks display, it was, by far, Barbara Deavers.  With her shoulder length hair and summer tan showing off her shapely leg, Babs was easily all the rage.

Moving quickly through Forestville’s various social classes that were in attendance, I sensed everyone had a spectacular time.  Those lucky enough to be there included Larson Canover, Maria Malvado, Solomon Weeks, Mitchell Luby, Dan Blazjowski, Rene Dubois, Zack Flanders, Trever Canby, Clovis and Kletis Denim, Virgilio Gonzales, Harley Pritchert, Mike Hill and Beth Hill, Ted and Nancy Tanner, Cookie Genison, Rob Halford, Betty Boukus, Howard and Phoebe Faris, Joe Kapperstein, Silas Minutia, Norbert Pendleton and Toby Jacks.