Fun Has No Place In Tillerson State Department

August 8, 2017

State Department Secretary Rex Tillerson announced that as part of budget-cutting, fun stuff will no longer be permitted. For instance, the department will no longer have a standing order Hasbro Leaders-Of-The-World® bobble-head dolls for new employees. Even worse, major cuts are expected at the information and amusement park, State Departmentland.

Visitors negotiating entry will be disappointed by the lack of implementation of the “It’s a Small World” boat ride, Mr. Kerry’s Moderately Tepid Ride and Strategic Patience Mountain, where people wait for hours in cars on a rollercoaster for the ride to start. The animatronic Hall of State Department Persons will be closed, as well as the popular live shows, “State Department Musical” and “Seward’s Follies.” However, Sanctions Cafe and Protocol Island will still be open for the cautiously “adventurous.” And as always, guests can get a U.N. resolution named after a loved one for a nominal fee.

Across Compliance Square where a man dressed in a Hans Blix costume checks visitors’ bags for WMDs, the Henry Kissinger Theater is suspending hourly showings of “State Department of the Future.” The film shot in glorious 2D depicts how advances in jargon and red tape will complicate diplomacy in exciting new ways. It also previews the use of “space shuttle diplomacy.”

Despite these changes, holders of season passes will not be eligible for refunds. The Washington Post says women and minorities will be hurt the most. Women and Minorities Magazine says children and puppies will be hurt more. Tillerson could not be reached for comment as to why he hates children and puppies.

Less Money For Treasury?

Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin is contemplating similar belt-tightening moves. One possible change is an end to the policy of free banknotes to visitors.

Cuts are further projected in the number of engravers, which will result in bills having fewer serial numbers. The expensive ink used to print them will be replaced by green Sharpies and the portraits of the presidents will be substituted with easier-to-draw stick figures.

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Boardman Attended Trump Jr Meeting With Russians

July 21, 2017

All the Presidents Men

Every day the guest list at Donald Trump Jr’s., meeting from last summer with Russian officials connected to the Kremlin, who promised damaging information about Hillary Clinton, continues to grow.

Therefore, in the interest of full disclosure, Boardman is prepared to disclose that a Boardman representative attended the meeting as well.

Who attended the meeting?

The meeting included the then-campaign manager Paul Manafort, Jared Kushner, Rob Goldstone and a bunch of Russians who were really annoying because their names were difficult if not impossible to pronounce.

How did Boardman get invited?

Boardman attended the meeting at the behest of Mr. Manafort who is a regular reader of the Boardman site and interested in all things Forestville.

What was discussed?

It was difficult to understand what was discussed because everyone was speaking Russian.

What did Boardman do at the meeting?

During the meeting Boardman sampled the Russian tea cakes, which were readily available, the Russian vodka that was offered by Mr. Manafort and the Borscht that was plentiful and served hot.

What were the takeaways?

Russian tea cakes are overrated, Russian vodka smells like rubbing alcohol, and why would anyone eat borscht?


Mueller To Expand Probe Into Possible Russ… Zzzzzz

July 21, 2017

Anonymous leaks to an anonymous paper reveal that Special Counsel Robert Mueller has expanded his probe into something, which other leakers say involve President Trump’s campaign doing something with Russia, Trump obstructing justice somehow, or the Chicago Cubs’ comeback in the World Series.

The probe now focuses on all transactions the president ever had with anyone whose name ends in “-sky” or “-ov.” One person of interest is Dmitri Garov, owner of a seedy bird food business.

Garov allegedly bought what is characterized as “an unusual quantity” of lemonade from the lemonade stand Trump ran when he was seven. Unknown sources say Trump’s second-grade teacher Mrs. Garrett, his neighbor Mrs. Kravitz and members of his favorite show, The Monkees, have all been subpoenaed. The Monkees have also been ordered to play a full set for the investigators.

Subpoenaed

Band member Michael Nesmith told reporters he is shocked that Mueller would suspect them of involvement in a Russian plot. “People say we monkey around, but we’re too busy singing to put anybody down.”

Worries that Russia is buying influence in American politics raised by many Democrats including Nancy Pelosi, Bernie Sanders and Karl Marx as well as Bill Clinton during a speech he gave for the Russian embassy. Said House Intelligence Committee member Adam Schiff, “We must get to the bottom of this. If we don’t find anything, we must get to the top and then go back down to the bottom.”

Asked to comment, local mad scientist Rick Sanchez was turned down.


U.S.-France Relationship Rocked by Trump’s Testy Call With President Macron

July 15, 2017

Early in the Donald Trump presidency, leaks of partial content of phone calls between the president and world leaders became big headlines. Boardman is proud to announce it too now has the partial content of a phone call between Trump and French President Emmanuel Macron, thanks to an anonymous leaker named Jacques Aurevoir.

The following was a call placed by Macron from his quarters in the Élysée Palace to Trump in the American embassy about ten at night, following dinner at the Eiffel Tower with their wives, Melania and Brigitte.

Macron: Hi, Don. So, what are you doing now?

Trump: Same thing I was doing fifteen minutes ago when you last called. Writing an executive order for a border wall with California.

Macron:: You want to come over and play Xbox? I just got “Call of Duty: Infinite Warfare.”

Trump: Not now.

Macron: How about in an hour?

Trump: Maybe another time.

Macron: Okay… Hey, you like crepes? There’s a great crepe cart around the corner. We could go eat some crepes and ride horses after.

Trump: Really, I need to finish this order and…

(Sound of Brigitte in background)

Macron: Oh, I have to go. It’s my bedtime. See you tomorrow, okay?

Trump: Sure.

Macron: Promise?

Trump: Yes. Yes, I promise.

Macron: Cool! I want to show you my Spider-Man comic book collection. Then a parade with army men and jeeps and guns and big planes! – And they do anything I want them to! It’ll be so amazing! A demain!


Pence Still Nodding His Head in Admiration of Trump

July 8, 2017

After 167 days as vice president and despite an administration plagued by leaks, firings, and a president that shared classified intelligence with Russian officials, Mike Pence still manages to look adoringly at President Trump.

The VP was last spotted doing his dutiful duty early this week in the Oval Office while Trump signed an Executive Order. Later, he stood close by and nodded his head up and down while Trump had his pouty “ain’t I powerful face” going.

Despite President Trump’s low poll numbers and a presidency constantly in turmoil and turbulence, Vice President Mike Pence promises he will continue to dreamily gaze at Trump.


CNN: The Joke Stops Here

July 7, 2017

CNN tracked down the person who made the meme of Trump beating up a person wearing a CNN logo in a pro-wrestling match. They threatened him with public exposure and subsequent violence. As a condition of their silence, the perpetrator agreed to abstain from internet activity and have Anderson Cooper’s face tattooed on his buttocks.

CNN head Jeff Zucker said that the network’s strategy is to now get tough with people who would make fun of them. “News is not funny,” he said while standing barefoot in a vat of wine grapes. “Anyone who tries to make fun of it, we will crush like… like whatever I’m standing on right now.”

As part of this new aggressive stance, the network ID has also changed. Now James Earl Jones announces, “This is CNN… b***h!”

Zucker also declared, “Next, we’re going after ‘The Simpsons’ for killing me off in an episode. I promise everyone that this time Bart will eat my shorts!”

In response to these actions, the board of Boardman and its founder, Alan Boardman, unanimously voted to not offend CNN in future articles.

“I have a wife and kids,” said one harried board member. “I can’t afford for CNN to find out and tell my girlfriend about that!”

“My degree from The Connecticut School of Broadcasting And Stuff never prepared me for this,” said another. “I have nightmares of Wolf Blitzer making love to my wife!”

As a precautionary procedure, Boardman offices have instituted CNN reporter drills. Employees will learn what to do in case a representative from CNN visits. Boardman’s current fire marshal on loan from a rival Bristol newspaper based in Nevada, Edward Clarkin said, “We’re still deciding what a drill should look like. We considered ‘duck and cover.’ But for now, we are sticking to the procedure John Kerry used to negotiate a deal with Iran – ‘stop, drop and beg.'”


“Transformers 5” Debuts to Franchise-Low $69 Million

June 26, 2017

Following left-wing celebrities Johnny Depp, Jim Carrey and Madonna, Wile E. Coyote has also now called for President Trump to be assassinated.  He made the threat through a series of small wooden signs he held up in a remote American desert.

It is not Coyote’s first foray into politics.  He vocally supported free health care at Bernie Sanders rallies and during his many post-cartoon-episode hospitalizations.

Like other stars who threaten Trump, Coyote’s fortunes have hit hard times.  His TV career has dwindled and the Road Runner stopped receiving his calls, thinking them to be some sort of trick.  In 2016, he was hired to do unboxing videos for the Acme Corporation.  However, they dropped him earlier this month when a mishap with Acme Dehydrated Boulders® resulted in a massive rockslide in Yosemite National Park.

In an article entitled, “Girlboss Canceled by Netflix After One Season”, The Hollywood Reporter did not mention Mr. Coyote at all.  In a second article, they did mention him and suspected that his words were a publicity stunt to restart his disaster-prone career.

Myopic off-screen pal Mr. Magoo said that he disagrees with the politics and dinner choices of his “hirsute friend.”  However, he understands his need for attention, saying, “Oh Coyote, you’ve done it again!”  He then drove into a chicken coop.

The Secret Service expressed no concern about this latest threat.  A spokesman said, “Given Mr. Coyote’s history, we fully expect that any scheme by him against the president will only end in Mr. Coyote plunging off a cliff or being blown up by his own bomb and then plunging off a cliff.”