Trump Affairs Get News Media Hot and Bothered

March 26, 2018

The world of news was rocked by allegations that an adult film actress and a playboy model had affairs with Trump. A flushed “Sex and the City” star and New York gubernatorial candidate Cynthia Nixon also admitted to secretly referring to Trump as “Mr. Big.”

“This is unseemly,” said a distraught Joy Behar. “No president has ever had an affair in history that I choose to remember.” Meanwhile, President John F. Kennedy’s second grandson twice removed (but who keeps coming back) Jimmy Kennedy sent Trump a congratulatory e-mail.

Nationwide, the polling firm Gallup found the reports led to 70% of men experiencing what Sigmund Freud calls, “president envy.” At the same time, 60% of women report pre-signing up on Amazon for any books on the affairs, especially E.L. James’ upcoming “Fifty States of Grey.”

The opinion of eleven-year-old Chippens Hill student Joshua Reeves reflected that of many men. “I wanted to be James Bond when I grew up. Now I want to be president just like Donald Trump. He gets hotter girls.”

Five-year-old South Side school kindergartner Michael Shturbs was more circumspect as he played on the ground. “I used to want to be president of the Earth. Now I want to be president of the Earth.” He then returned to eating dirt he found by the sandbox.

The effect is not limited to the United States. An international traveler said, “Before Trump, foreign women would make fun of me for being American. Now thanks to Trump, they go wild for me. Thank you, Donald Trump.”

An ex-Secret Service agent under President Obama added, “I now get sex for free in Latin America.”

White House sources confirm that correspondence from U.K. Prime Minister Theresa May now comes drenched in the new naughty Victoria Beckham perfume, “Soccer Tart.” Meanwhile, German Chancellor Angela Merkel started sexting Trump provocative photos of her in guild trousers and safety shoes. She also made him mix tapes of romantic hits by famous oompah bands.

“Whatever way you cut the pizza, the news is a spicy item for us,” said government affairs analyst and pro-Berlusconi dishwasher at Nuchie’s, Salvatore Salvatorio. “It shows to the whole world our country still has the sexy.”


The Sore LoserPaLooza Comes to Forestville

March 20, 2018

Sore LoserPalooza is coming to the green near the Forestville Train Station this June 9th and 10th. That’s right, sore Losers, whiners and poor sports alike can complain, name call and blame others for their discontent without being judged.

If you are bitter, angry, always point the finger and never own your troubles or defeats, and; you never look inward like a normal person, then this is the place for you!

Sore LoserPalooza is a two-day bitch fest for athletes, politicians, office workers and shut-ins to blame others and insult rivals.

In addition to the blaming anyone but themselves mantra, sore losers can play interactive video games such as Scapegoat. Scapegoat is an arcade style game with a large video screen and sound system where players conquer the world, and inevitably lose but it is not their fault so they get to pick the scapegoat!

Venders will be on hand too selling crying towels, tissues AND the best selling book The Blame Game: How the World is Out to Get You.

In keeping with the anger and doom and gloom of the attendees, there will be music from the likes of Depeche Mode, The Smiths and The Cure.

The VIP guest list is still to be announced but past speakers include: Tom Brady, Cam Newton and Sergio Garcia.

Admission is free but tickets are ten bucks.

Trump Fires Tillerson; Eyes Move to Forestville

March 13, 2018

This morning Trump fired Rex Tillerson as Secretary of State and preplaced him CIA Director Mike Pompeo.

Mr. Tillerson had grown increasingly disillusioned with the Trump administration, and their undermining of his authority.

Sources say the 65 year old Texan and former ExxonMobil CEO next order of business is to move to the Forestville section of Bristol in the coming weeks. Mr. Tillerson is excited about Bristol’s low crime rate and its numerous attractions.

Currently he is looking at properties in the Village Road area along the Plainville border, but has not ruled out Federal Hill or Chippens Hill. Upon moving to Forestville/Bristol his neighbors will include other Trump refugees Sean Spicer and Stormy Daniels.

Stormy Daniels Moving to Federal Hill Section of Bristol

March 9, 2018

Porn actress Stormy Daniels has purchased a home in the Federal Hill section of Bristol, according to sources.

The “Wicked Divas”, “Bikini Kitchen” and “Big Busted Goddesses of Las Vegas”, actress purchased a property in the historic enclave, which is listed on the National Register of Historic Places and Bristol’s List of Fancy Schmancy Neighborhoods.

Ms. Daniels, whose real name is Stephanie Clifford, joins a neighborhood filled with Bristol’s A-listers and insiders, many of whom no one has ever heard of.

The amenities of her large Victorian home include windows, doors, a cellar, heat and a roof, says Fefe DuBoise, a nosy neighbor.

The women of “The Hill” are having an allergic reaction to Ms. Daniels taking up residence and have banned her from their Wine While Knitting Meetups, and the Aqua Zumba Class they take Saturday mornings at the Bristol Boys & Girls Club.

Meanwhile, the men are showering the AVN (Adult Video News) Hall of Fame member with lavish gifts from Parkside Café, and offering to show her the neighborhood. “Yeah, I got Stormy a Parkside Café gift card, so what?” said Oakland Street home owner Otto Velez. “Actually, I got her two and a t-shirt as well only because it is not everyday that a Hall of Famer moves into the neighborhood!”

News On The Go

March 8, 2018

New York Times Reports Gary Cohn Out
After claiming for the last fourteen months that economic advisor Gary Cohn was about to leave the White House, Mr. Cohn announced his resignation. Having finally got the story right, the Times next plans to claim that Christmas is about to happen tomorrow.

Hatch Act Dissed
Trump advisor Kellyanne Conway was accused by the Office of Special Counsel of violating the Hatch Act, the first person so charged since President Obama’s HUD secretary in 2016. The Hatch Act bans members of the White House from breeding poultry in the West Wing.

The Special Counsel is expected to formally present his proclamation to the president accompanied by the Office of Special Guards while wearing his sash, fur robe and gold crown.

White House Takes Aim Against Flying Doohickeys
The Department of Homeland Security is working on a bill to regulate hostile drones. The bill targets anyone who speaks in public for prolonged periods of time in a dull or grating monotone. Critics worry this will decimate the staff at NPR.

Moon Calls
German carrier Vodaphone announced they would provide 4G network connectivity on the Moon. However, many popular calling plans would not be available, such as “Geh irgendwohin” and “Freunde und Familie.” Vodaphone received a congratulatory call on their project from Angela Merkel of the future. There, she serves her 100th consecutive term as German chancellor and made the call from a phone embedded in her cybernetic shoulders.

The News for Astronauts
The FAA passed a rule making it illegal for astronauts to text while flying. Texting incidents resulted in zero accidents so far in 2017. Acting FAA administrator Daniel Elwell stressed, “We can do better than that.”

If you have a lead on someone who actually watched the Oscars, call Boardman’s tipline. All calls are confidential, more or less. Surcharges may apply. You may also be signed up for a Shave Club membership.

AR-15 Semiautomatic Weds Forestville Resident

February 19, 2018

Rusty Curtland and Iris, an AR-15 rifle, were married Saturday in their Forestville home. Bruce Groogan, a Forestville area Justice of the Peace, officiated the occasion.

Mr. Curtland, a Forestville native and an independent contractor specializing in odd jobs, proposed Friday.

The AR-15, named Iris by Mr. Curtland, is a lightweight semi-automatic rifle manufactured in the United States.

The couple met due to a chance encounter at a gun show. “From the moment I saw Iris and held her I knew immediately I was done with handguns and shotguns,” an excited Mr. Curtland explained. “It was love at first sight. Iris gives my life purpose and meaning.”

Rusty proposed to his AR-15 rifle in his basement amongst scented Doe and Buck Urine, and tea lights to help set the mood. He asked for Iris’s hand in marriage because he said, “We share an eternal bond and besides we have been sleeping together for years so it was the right thing to do.” Mr. Curtland went on to say that he believes the AR-15 firearm may eventually be banned because it has become the weapon of choice in mass shootings. “I love my Iris and my Iris loves me and nothing will keep us apart. ‘My bounty is as boundless as the sea,’” he told Boardman.

Curtland, 53, whose first marriage to a Glock 19, a 9mm handgun, ended 10 years ago when the gun disappeared following a night of promiscuous drinking and cavorting.

The ceremony went off with a hitch. The AR-15, with a 30-round magazine, wore black with a red dot optical scope and muzzle to suppress the flash and sound.

The groom wore a waterproof insulated hunting jacket and matching pants with Woodsman Hunting boots.

The couple exchanged their vows in front of a stray dog and a terrified passerby.

The Wedding at a Glance:
Venue: Private estate, Forestville
Catering: None
Dress(es): Colt Manufacturing
Suit: Cabela’s
Photography: Selfies
Officiant: Bruce Groogan
Music: The Best of Molly Hatchet (CD)

Pence Has a Full Day Planned Being Obsequious

February 16, 2018

Trump is scheduled to depart Washington this afternoon to go to Florida so Vice President Mike Pence, never one to shy away from being obsequious to Trump, has a busy planned being obsequious to Trump.

This morning at a meeting regarding infrastructure, Pence is scheduled to go overboard lavishing Trump with praise. His remarks are to remind Trump and the nation how humbled he is to be in his presence, and thank him for his strong leadership.

The love fest will continue during a briefing with Trump where he will continually say “Sir.” The vice president is expected to answer “Yes my Lord” when peppered with questions by Trump.

After the briefing, the vice president will fawn all over Trump in the presence of White House staff.

And finally just before 3PM, while Trump addresses the media prior to boarding Marine One, Mr. Pence will stand behind Trump and while admiring him with a deep stare, he will nod his head up and down only stopping to change which side of his head he chooses to nod.

It is unknown if the vice president will wave while Marine One departs for Andrews Air Force Base.