Government Shutdown Apparel Now Available

January 20, 2018

Celebrate the historic 2018 Government Shutdown with officially licensed government shutdown apparel with Alan Boardman’s 2018 Government Shutdown Apparel. There are T-shirts, sweatshirts, sweaters, hats, socks, stockings and more!

The t-shirts, sweaters and hoodies come in three sizes: Large, X Large and Jesus Christ!

All wear is 100% cotton, machine wash and tumble dry and made in sweat shops by children in China, Honduras and Haiti.

The apparel is available from a variety of respected brand names like Nike, New Era, Adidas, and Puma. Included in the collection is the limited edition “THIS TIME IT’S NOT TED CRUZ’S FAULT” sweat shirt. It will sell out quickly so buy one, no check that buy two, and do so right now!

The geniuses in Washington can’t get their act together, but you can get yours together by ordering your trendy and stylistic 2018 Government Shutdown apparel today.

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Doctor Certifies Trump Fit – Women and Minorities Affected Most

January 16, 2018

According to a source who watched it on TV, the president’s physician Dr. Ronny Jackson pronounced Trump to be of sound mind. Reporters were outraged and demanded a special counsel to investigate. Some were sent scrambling to Wikipedia to find a new clause in the Constitution to impeach him under.

A frustrated Don Lemon took to the airwaves on CNN. “I don’t see how Jackson can say Trump’s not crazy. The doctor clearly did not watch our discussion panels with other journalists where we definitively concluded Trump is insane.”

ABC’s Brian Ross accused Trump of cheating on his cognitive test. “No one tests thirty out of thirty,” he added. The network then put him on double suspension.

Confirmation of Trump’s sanity led MSNBC morning host Mika Brzezinski to collapse into Joe Scarborough’s gangly arms. To help Brzezinski recuperate, a network doctor prescribed for her to exercise and cut fat from her diet as well as the first “z” in her name. “It’s a vestigial letter,” the doctor explained. “It isn’t necessary and could get infected.”

Trump responded to the doctor’s findings saying, “In your face, media! I’m not crazy!” He then laid on the floor and ran circles around his head yelling, “Woop-woop-woop-woop-woop!”

Dr. Jackson also proclaimed the president to be in excellent health, although overweight. The body-shaming doctor further noted that Trump has no history of tobacco or alcohol use, but does have an annoying addiction to pop rocks. He also has x-ray vision and can lift ten times his weight in Diet Coke.


MLK Day 2018

January 15, 2018

Here is your guide to Martin Luther King Jr. Day in Forestville for 2018.

WEATHER:

MLK Day tailgaters better bundle up because temperatures will be in the low 20s under mostly cloudy skies. Winds from the northeast at 9mph are not expected to impact kickoff.

SCOUTING REPORT:

Entering the 32nd consecutive MLK Day as a federal holiday, the country needs some inspiration following another week of ignorant comments by Trump about immigrants, and the unmistakable sound of silence about those comments from the Republican Party and his supporters.

A nation more divided and more polarized since Trump took the Oath of Office, makes today a must-win scenario even though we are only a year into his presidency.

Clearly Trump is in the hot seat so expect him to make obligatory comments today about Mr. King, and the continued cause. However, scouts worn, Trump’s remarks will not be believable due to his blatant disregard for nonwhites, and anyone that is not him.

INJURIES:

Forestville reports the following injures:

Questionable:

Bobby Darwin – Hamstring
Louisa Delgado – Arm
Dick Drago – Elbow
Courtney Flowers – Ankle
Jennifer Jeffries – Knee
Saul Lowenstein – Illness

Drago and Darwin will not start today, but are expected to play. They have been listed as “Out” since New Year’s observations so this is an upgrade.

Doubtful:

Bob Bailey – Shoulder

FESTIVITIES:

Today’s Opening Ceremonies are sponsored by: Hoover Vacuums, Vacuums that Really Suck.

Today’s Closing Ceremonies are Sponsored by:
Ode de Smoke Cologne, Small Like a Cigarette Without Having to Smoke.

MLK QUOTE YOU MAY HAVE NEVER HEARD

“So we have been repeatedly faced with the cruel irony of watching Negro and white boys on TV screens as they kill and die together for a nation that has been unable to seat them together in the same schools.”
April 4, 1967

OTHER MLK QUOTE YOU MAY HAVE NEVER HEARD

“What time is it?”
October 10, 1962


JFK Assassination Files Released

October 29, 2017

Last week The National Archives released thousands of documents regarding the assassination of President Kennedy. However, there still remains a trove of documents that are not being released at this time due to national security concerns.

The following information was gleamed from the documents that were just released:

Boardman


Sean Spicer Eyes Move to Federal Hill

October 7, 2017

Following the news that former White House spokesperson Sean Spicer is eying properties in the Federal Hill section of Bristol, The Bristol Federal Hill Association held an emergency meeting late last night.

Many members are in a panic that Mr. Spicer could move into the historic neighborhood. One man, who lives on Oakland Street and wished not to be identified, but his first name is Otto and his last name is Velez, said he does not want Mr. Spicer to live near him. “I am afraid he will yell at me and my little dog FuFu if I ask him a question.”

Fefe DuBoise went further telling Boardman, “He will interrupt the neighborhood’s bucolic splendor with his constant need to argue.”

After failing to land a job at CBS News, CNN, Fox News, ABC News and NBC News as a contributor, Mr. Spicer secured a deal to develop a program with Nutmeg TV, the areas public access station. Boardman has exclusively learned that Sean Spicer’s program will be called Yoga with Sean and will air Wednesday mornings at 6AM.

Sean Spicer is considering a move to the Bristol/Forestville area so he can commute to Nutmeg TV with Bob Boils host of Good Morning Plainville.


Fun Has No Place In Tillerson State Department

August 8, 2017

State Department Secretary Rex Tillerson announced that as part of budget-cutting, fun stuff will no longer be permitted. For instance, the department will no longer have a standing order Hasbro Leaders-Of-The-World® bobble-head dolls for new employees. Even worse, major cuts are expected at the information and amusement park, State Departmentland.

Visitors negotiating entry will be disappointed by the lack of implementation of the “It’s a Small World” boat ride, Mr. Kerry’s Moderately Tepid Ride and Strategic Patience Mountain, where people wait for hours in cars on a rollercoaster for the ride to start. The animatronic Hall of State Department Persons will be closed, as well as the popular live shows, “State Department Musical” and “Seward’s Follies.” However, Sanctions Cafe and Protocol Island will still be open for the cautiously “adventurous.” And as always, guests can get a U.N. resolution named after a loved one for a nominal fee.

Across Compliance Square where a man dressed in a Hans Blix costume checks visitors’ bags for WMDs, the Henry Kissinger Theater is suspending hourly showings of “State Department of the Future.” The film shot in glorious 2D depicts how advances in jargon and red tape will complicate diplomacy in exciting new ways. It also previews the use of “space shuttle diplomacy.”

Despite these changes, holders of season passes will not be eligible for refunds. The Washington Post says women and minorities will be hurt the most. Women and Minorities Magazine says children and puppies will be hurt more. Tillerson could not be reached for comment as to why he hates children and puppies.

Less Money For Treasury?

Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin is contemplating similar belt-tightening moves. One possible change is an end to the policy of free banknotes to visitors.

Cuts are further projected in the number of engravers, which will result in bills having fewer serial numbers. The expensive ink used to print them will be replaced by green Sharpies and the portraits of the presidents will be substituted with easier-to-draw stick figures.


Boardman Attended Trump Jr Meeting With Russians

July 21, 2017

All the Presidents Men

Every day the guest list at Donald Trump Jr’s., meeting from last summer with Russian officials connected to the Kremlin, who promised damaging information about Hillary Clinton, continues to grow.

Therefore, in the interest of full disclosure, Boardman is prepared to disclose that a Boardman representative attended the meeting as well.

Who attended the meeting?

The meeting included the then-campaign manager Paul Manafort, Jared Kushner, Rob Goldstone and a bunch of Russians who were really annoying because their names were difficult if not impossible to pronounce.

How did Boardman get invited?

Boardman attended the meeting at the behest of Mr. Manafort who is a regular reader of the Boardman site and interested in all things Forestville.

What was discussed?

It was difficult to understand what was discussed because everyone was speaking Russian.

What did Boardman do at the meeting?

During the meeting Boardman sampled the Russian tea cakes, which were readily available, the Russian vodka that was offered by Mr. Manafort and the Borscht that was plentiful and served hot.

What were the takeaways?

Russian tea cakes are overrated, Russian vodka smells like rubbing alcohol, and why would anyone eat borscht?