The world of news was rocked by allegations that an adult film actress and a playboy model had affairs with Trump. A flushed “Sex and the City” star and New York gubernatorial candidate Cynthia Nixon also admitted to secretly referring to Trump as “Mr. Big.”
“This is unseemly,” said a distraught Joy Behar. “No president has ever had an affair in history that I choose to remember.” Meanwhile, President John F. Kennedy’s second grandson twice removed (but who keeps coming back) Jimmy Kennedy sent Trump a congratulatory e-mail.
Nationwide, the polling firm Gallup found the reports led to 70% of men experiencing what Sigmund Freud calls, “president envy.” At the same time, 60% of women report pre-signing up on Amazon for any books on the affairs, especially E.L. James’ upcoming “Fifty States of Grey.”
The opinion of eleven-year-old Chippens Hill student Joshua Reeves reflected that of many men. “I wanted to be James Bond when I grew up. Now I want to be president just like Donald Trump. He gets hotter girls.”
Five-year-old South Side school kindergartner Michael Shturbs was more circumspect as he played on the ground. “I used to want to be president of the Earth. Now I want to be president of the Earth.” He then returned to eating dirt he found by the sandbox.
The effect is not limited to the United States. An international traveler said, “Before Trump, foreign women would make fun of me for being American. Now thanks to Trump, they go wild for me. Thank you, Donald Trump.”
An ex-Secret Service agent under President Obama added, “I now get sex for free in Latin America.”
White House sources confirm that correspondence from U.K. Prime Minister Theresa May now comes drenched in the new naughty Victoria Beckham perfume, “Soccer Tart.” Meanwhile, German Chancellor Angela Merkel started sexting Trump provocative photos of her in guild trousers and safety shoes. She also made him mix tapes of romantic hits by famous oompah bands.
“Whatever way you cut the pizza, the news is a spicy item for us,” said government affairs analyst and pro-Berlusconi dishwasher at Nuchie’s, Salvatore Salvatorio. “It shows to the whole world our country still has the sexy.”