ACA Faces Tough Vote In House On Eve of MegaDeth’s Asian Tour

March 23, 2017

Earlier today, the vote on Speaker of the House Paul Ryan’s American Care Act was postponed. The act aims to repeal and replace Obamacare, the Affordable Care Act, but lacks enough votes among both parties to pass.

An unnamed representative went on the record saying, “I want to be clear – I am completely in favor of the ACA and therefore definitely against the ACA. I will vote to back the ACA.” But not all representatives are so clear on which way they are voting.

Megadeth frontman Dave Mustaine said, “Certain songs have a certain energy level that works really great live.”

A big stumbling block is opposition by conservatives. When asked if this sets Trump back, conservative leader Mark Meadows said, “Criss cross applesauce!” and ran away laughing.


Overlooked Confirmation Hearings Drag On Past Tuesday And “National Confirmation Hearing Day”

March 22, 2017

Overlooked Confirmation Hearings Drag On Past Tuesday And “National Confirmation Hearing Day.”

Amid the hubbub of major Senate investigations and hearings, one hearing has received little attention on Capitol Hill. Like most Trump appointees, noted physicist Dr. Matsahura Matsui has seen his confirmation as head of the Office of Scientific Science held up in committee.

Democrats grilling Dr. Matsui are particularly troubled by his solution to the fine-tuning problem of vacuum energy in regards to the cosmological constant.

Senator Richard Blumenthal queried why the nominee would suggest a new variable to resolve the predicted value for vacua. “We have learned something important since the days that I served in Vietnam,” he said, “And that is, Nvac∼O(10272, 000).”

Senator Elizabeth Warren went on the warpath, accusing Matsui of being in the pocket of Big Physics and somehow, banks.

Republicans on the other hand were enthusiastic.

“Dr. Matsui’s novel approach to the entropy problem deserves the Senate’s support where we engage in entropy all the time,” said Senator Mitch McConnell.

Another contentious confirmation hearing is expected for Trump’s pick to fill a new White House cabinet position – a handcrafted mahogany piece with cherry wood veneer. However, Democrats led by Chuck Schumer vowed to attack this nominee too on the basis that its Scandinavian Contemporary design ill fits the French Empire style of the room in which it will serve.

As well, minority chair of the Select Chair Committee, Senator Al Franken is expected to heatedly question the cabinet over its provenance and links to extreme right-wing furniture.

Senate insiders feel that Democrats will soon cease slow-walking Trump appointees. The move comes as ratings for hearings on C-SPAN were cut in half last Friday when five viewers decided to watch the Paint Drying Channel instead.


Trump’s Tax Return Finally Released! Orrrrr Was It?

March 17, 2017

In a much hyped and long winded report Tuesday night, MSNBC host Rachel Maddow presented President Trump’s 2005 federal income tax return to her audience. However, after closer examination, is it really Trumps’ return?

Buddy Myers, a clerk in the office of Forestville CPA Chandler Juliet, says he has a hunch that the 1040 form is a fraud.

According to Mr. Myers the 1040 shown to the public is filled with irregularities and was created by photoshopping numbers, hand-placed date stamps and items of no value from another return onto the supposed Trump return.

Some sections of the return he says show evidence of an Ottendorf Cipher, in which numbers and letters are used to reveal clues about its true origins. Mr. Myers confessed however that he has yet to decode the cipher because he hurt his arm while bowling.

At a press conference about his two day probe into the matter, Myers, who was surrounded by people that mostly nodded their heads and cheered at inopportune times remarked, “It took a long time to produce this return that has no signature, no detail and is redacted. I think this return is a fake, a fraud – a phony if you will. Trump could end the speculation simply, just show the return with all the schedules and it’d be over.”

Fake?

To help him in this endeavor Mr. Myers recruited former Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio, the man who has tried to prove President Barack Obama’s birth certificate is a forgery. “This is bigger than the birther thingy or the George W. Bush Texas Air National Guard thingy or the Russia thingy. You’re talking about a president who has never filed tax returns. If he had why won’t he produce them? This guy is not a taxpayer he is a tax delinquent and this forged return proves that.”


The Serpent and the Rainbow and The Cult of Trump Or Politics Makes Hypocrites of Everyone

March 8, 2017

In the early evening hours as the sun fades from view, dozens of Trump believers gather to assemble a small crude temple in the backyard of a Forestville resident. A ritual, replete with time tested traditions, will soon begin to indoctrinate the latest Trump supporters.

A Shaman enters and begins the initiation or Rada. The ceremony which includes rhythmic drums, chants and spells known as a “trabajo” are cast over the participants lasting many hours. The living spirits of Steve Bannon, Stephen Miller, Reince Priebus and High Priestess Kellyanne Conway are invited to envelop the converts.

Two spirits cannot inhabit one body. Therefore, the indoctrinated fall into a trance and their own spirits are cast away so the body, mind and soul can be possessed by the Deity Trump.

With the ritual complete and the realities of the world suspended, the new converts emerge to a post-truth era filled with alternative facts, fake news, lies, conspiracy theories and totalitarianism. The credulous followers go forth and promulgate the word of Trump.

Scientists at Tunxis Community College say the characteristics of the converted resemble a carnival of vacant and lifeless souls possessing no will of their own. However, historians are quick to note that in the 1990s Clinton supporters and unrepentant followers succumbed to a similar fate becoming glassy eyed automatons thus confirming politics makes hypocrites of everyone from time to time.


Jeff Sessions to Give up Being Attorney General for Lent

March 3, 2017

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Top congressional Democrats are asking Attorney General Jeff Sessions to resign following revelations that he lied under oath during his confirmation hearing.

“I will not resign but I will give up being Attorney General for Lent,” he said at a press conference Thursday.  “It will do me a world of good to get away from these Trump people for a few weeks.”

Later, appearing on state-run TV Fox News, Sessions expanded on his remarks to Tucker Carlson, “I am extending an olive branch to the Democrats. For forty days I will stop my war on pot, gays, voting rights and Civil Rights in exchange they will stop asking for my resignation over this Russian thing.”


Trump to Remove References to the Constitution from the White House

February 20, 2017

Upon taking office Donald Trump’s Administration deleted or removed all references to climate change from the White House website.

Later, the administration instructed the Environmental Protection Agency to remove the climate change page from its website too.

Now a source tells Boardman that due to the president’s recent constitutional difficulties he wants all references to the United States Constitution removed from the White House. “The president is frustrated with the Constitution’s burdensome laws,” a source said.

Consequently at the winter White House at Trump’s Mar-a-Lago property in Palm Beach, Trump aide and attorney Stephen Miller is spent the weekend examining ways to get rid of sections of the Constitution. “It was written over 200 years ago by the so called ‘Founding Fathers’. It’s old, faded, outdated and some amendments were added over the years that are in our way,” Miller told Boardman.

Miller went on to say that he is in the process of rewriting the Constitution so that it is aligned with the president’s views. “We are going to make the Constitution great again.”


The Logan Act, Logan’s Run and Flyngazzi

February 18, 2017

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Some on Capitol Hill are pursuing an investigation of former national security adviser Lt. General Michael Flynn to determine if he violated the Logan Act in speaking to a Russian diplomat.  Others demand a criminal investigation of those that leaked portions of the classified conversation as a violation of the Espionage Act.

Still others want to probe why they weren’t invited to Flynn’s post-appointment party.  Said one congressman involved in the investigation, “We gotta fight for our right to party.”

====Fast Facts====

Logan Act
A United States federal law that details the fine, incarceration and/or imprisonment of unauthorized citizens or talking dogs who negotiate with foreign governments having a dispute with the United States.

Different than —

Logan’s Run Act
A United States federal law that details the termination of unauthorized citizens who try to escape Carrousel on their 30th birthday.

Espionage Act
Punishes acts of interference with foreign relations (especially marital) and foreign commerce of the United States, punishes espionage and better enforces the criminal laws of the United States as well as America, and for other purposes like promoting the sale of “U.S.A. #1” t-shirts. 

The act applies to all security breaches except those that attack Republicans or that stuck-up girl in the next cubicle who is trying to steal your man and won’t even let you borrow her stapler.